Making friends...

[Still_Waiting]

I need some tips and advice. I''ve found it ridiculously difficult to make new friends ever since I graduated from college in 2001. And now with my best friend moving away in two months I''m finding that with all my friends long-distance, I really need to find a new batch of local gals! How do you all do it? As a substitute teacher, I''m sometimes at different schools every day of the week...not really a place for "pickin'' up"

. I do enjoy a wide-range of hobbies, but they seem to be either seasonal or things I like to do by myself. I check out craigslist from time-to-time, but that always just seems risky to me. One last problem, it can''t cost more than a couple of bucks since I haven''t worked full-time in a couple of years (really trying to pay down the debt I''ve accrued!).

How do you gals meet new friends these days? (particularly those of you who''ve been out of school for awhile) Have you ever set out with the specific goal of making new friends and been successful (or otherwise!)?

Thanks! (And hope I don''t sound too pathetic! I do have lots of friends, they''re all just living far away from me!)

 

[Lauren8211]

I don''t have any advice, since I''m in the same boat as you.

No, you''re not pathetic! It is really hard to make friends!

Just wanted to say hi and that you''re not alone, and then mooch any advice that people give in here.

 

[lliang_chi]

I definitely think you should try your hobbies. The reason why it''s so easy to make friends in school or at work is because there''s a commonality there. You all work @ the same place. You all are taking the same classes, etc.

IRL, everyone is their own island most of the time, and things like hobbies is where you overlap. What do you like to do? You said you have some individual hobbies, but maybe you can find a user group or a local club that does that. My sis met a few ppl in a knitting circle (very individual hobby). I met a fellow PS-er and we hit yoga together sometimes because we both talked about liking that (Met her on the HLT thread).

Try your alumni club. Most of the time they have a "Young alumni" gathering once every few months.

Myself I met a lot of my friends as friends of friends. Maybe some of your SO''s friends'' GFs can be a way of expanding your circle?

HTH!

 

[Bia]

Most of my good friends live in Boston, and I''ve found that since I moved to NY those friendships have dwindled. It''s hard to maintain them when you rarely see eachother, even when you have the best intentions. My BFF lives in TN now, so that doesn''t help. I have been able to make a few really good friends through my FI (friends of his growing up, or gf of his guys friends), but mostly it''s been through school. I am still friends with two people from undergrad, and now am becoming pretty good friends with two girls from my grad program. We started doing dinner after we saw how we just clicked...we''re also part of the younger group in our cohort, so I think that made a big difference.

I say, open yourself up to different hobbies. Whatever you like to do, i.e., jogging (running club), reading (book club), cooking (cooking classes), wine, etc. There are a lot of people out there looking for friends. Meetup.com is a site that helps people find different types of groups/clubs/organizations in their area. I would love to join a few things but right now I just don''t have the time to commit to any one thing other than school and my family, but when I do I definitely want to try something different.

Good luck! And remember, we''re your friends, even though we''re virtual.

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 4/16/2009 11:12:23 AM
Author: elledizzy5
I don''t have any advice, since I''m in the same boat as you.


No, you''re not pathetic! It is really hard to make friends!


Just wanted to say hi and that you''re not alone, and then mooch any advice that people give in here.

ha.. me too

 

[BeachRunner]

Date: 4/16/2009 11:55:40 AM
Author: Namaste

Date: 4/16/2009 11:12:23 AM

Author: elledizzy5

I don''t have any advice, since I''m in the same boat as you.



No, you''re not pathetic! It is really hard to make friends!



Just wanted to say hi and that you''re not alone, and then mooch any advice that people give in here.

ha.. me too

Thritto.

I have no advice, just support and an understanding of your situation.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Have you ever been to the website http://www.meetup.com/ ?

They have tons of groups with tons of different interests that "meet up" from time to time. I belong to several...dog breed / dog walking group, women''s entrepreneurial group, slow food / environmental group, women''s professional book club, and so on.

That''s where I''d start...maybe join something social, like a wine tasting group or somethin''.

 

[NakedFinger]

Thats so funny, my SO and I were just talking about that last night.

Because we started stating at 16 (me) and 17 (him), we have been each others best friend (naturally when you are in a serious relationship, you start spending more time with your SO and less with your friends). So I didnt really keep any of my HS friends, and he only kept 1 of his. And, since both of us commuted for college rather than live on campus, we were only at school for classes and didnt really make friends then.

I have two gf''s that I used to work with that turned into friendships, and he has his HS friend and all of his cousins his age, and work friends. So friends arent really the problem. But what we were saying last night was how we wish we had "couple friends". All of our friends arent even with someone, let alone married! So when we get married this year, we wont have any other married friends to hang out with. Obviously, we enjoy just being with each other, but it would be nice to have couples to go out to dinner with once in a while, couples that share common intrests or couples to travel with you know? My mom said that will change once we have a baby, because then you start making friends with the other parents at school. But thats a long way off!

 

[Lauren8211]

Along the same lines, do you find that "couple friends" have gotten lame? I swear, getting any of the couples we hang out with out to the bar or for a nice dinner is nearly impossible. They all just want to sit on the couch all night.

I kid you not, last weekend, one of J''s buddies and his girlfriend could not come out because J''s friend was making scones. On a Friday night. What 30 year old, unmarried, no kids guy spends Friday night making scones???

 

[Still_Waiting]

Well, glad to hear I'm not alone!

Thanks for the ideas! I hadn't heard of meetup, I'll have to check it out. I've thought a lot about trying to find a hobbies group, but just haven't known where to start! As far as alumni groups...I don't know if this is normal or not, but I just have NO desire to be affiliated with my university anymore. Maybe because I went to a small, private university. The people I want to see I still spend time with. That was a great idea though! I hadn't thought of it.

Keep the ideas coming!!!

ETD: Our couples friends are usually game for dinner and/or drinks, but it's only on the weekends usually. I need something that I can do AWAY from SO. He's been very busy with work and doesn't come home until (well, what I consider) the wee hours sometimes.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I think hobbies are a great suggestion. One subset of that I''ve found to be great, is volunteering. My husband and I volunteer at our local animal shelter, and that''s been a fantastic way to meet people and make friends.

In general, also, I think that not saying no to invitations is important, as is suggesting doing things together. Most women are up for a couple of hours of shopping and grabbing some lunch, for example.

I really think cultivating your own interests and sense of fun and enthusiasm will draw people to you. This has definitely been my experience - I was always awkward and trying to imitate others or blend in to be popular when I was younger. And I finally figured out that being myself (not to the exclusion of being sincerely interested in others, but enough to feel confident), is key.

 

[Bia]

Date: 4/16/2009 12:33:59 PM
Author: AmberGretchen
I think hobbies are a great suggestion. One subset of that I''ve found to be great, is volunteering. My husband and I volunteer at our local animal shelter, and that''s been a fantastic way to meet people and make friends.

In general, also, I think that not saying no to invitations is important, as is suggesting doing things together. Most women are up for a couple of hours of shopping and grabbing some lunch, for example.

I really think cultivating your own interests and sense of fun and enthusiasm will draw people to you. This has definitely been my experience - I was always awkward and trying to imitate others or blend in to be popular when I was younger. And I finally figured out that being myself (not to the exclusion of being sincerely interested in others, but enough to feel confident), is key.

This resonated with me. I think it is very true. Finding things that make you happy, will build confidence. And when you''re confident, you''re able to be yourself, and able to have fun. That will draw people to you like bees to honey.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Date: 4/16/2009 12:13:03 PM
Author: elledizzy5
Along the same lines, do you find that ''couple friends'' have gotten lame? I swear, getting any of the couples we hang out with out to the bar or for a nice dinner is nearly impossible. They all just want to sit on the couch all night.

I kid you not, last weekend, one of J''s buddies and his girlfriend could not come out because J''s friend was making scones. On a Friday night. What 30 year old, unmarried, no kids guy spends Friday night making scones???

Hahahaha! I started laughing out loud at work when I read this. If I were single, and sure that this guy was straight, I''d ask you to introduce me.

To answer the OP''s question. Volunteering was the first thing that popped into my head. I know in my area, there''s a group of "young professionals" that network and volunteer and have activities like pub crawls and such. I''ve been thinking about joining, but then when would I find time to watch American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Fringe, Jon & Kate, Deadliest Catch, etc etc etc. I''m lame.

 

[Sunset_in_Cali]

Hi Still Waiting! I can relate. After college, I moved across the country. That was about 5 years ago and I still don''t have many friends. It seems like everyone already has established friendships and aren''t looking to make new friends. And it doesn''t help that I''m a quiet/introverted person either. My advice has already been mentioned (meetup.com, gf''s of your bf''s friends), but I did have some success with craigslist, I met a girl who was in the same situation as me (just moved to the area and was looking for friends), and now we''re good friends.

But I''d still like to make more friends, so I''ll be checking this topic for other''s advice.

 

[Still_Waiting]

Date: 4/16/2009 1:12:18 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 4/16/2009 12:33:59 PM
Author: AmberGretchen
I think hobbies are a great suggestion. One subset of that I''ve found to be great, is volunteering. My husband and I volunteer at our local animal shelter, and that''s been a fantastic way to meet people and make friends.

In general, also, I think that not saying no to invitations is important, as is suggesting doing things together. Most women are up for a couple of hours of shopping and grabbing some lunch, for example.

I really think cultivating your own interests and sense of fun and enthusiasm will draw people to you. This has definitely been my experience - I was always awkward and trying to imitate others or blend in to be popular when I was younger. And I finally figured out that being myself (not to the exclusion of being sincerely interested in others, but enough to feel confident), is key.

This resonated with me. I think it is very true. Finding things that make you happy, will build confidence. And when you''re confident, you''re able to be yourself, and able to have fun. That will draw people to you like bees to honey.

I know that''s very true! Thanks for the reminder!

 

[Still_Waiting]

Date: 4/16/2009 1:38:37 PM
Author: Travel Goddess

Hahahaha! I started laughing out loud at work when I read this. If I were single, and sure that this guy was straight, I''d ask you to introduce me.

To answer the OP''s question. Volunteering was the first thing that popped into my head. I know in my area, there''s a group of ''young professionals'' that network and volunteer and have activities like pub crawls and such. I''ve been thinking about joining, but then when would I find time to watch American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Fringe, Jon & Kate, Deadliest Catch, etc etc etc. I''m lame.

I would LOVE to do more volunteering (I used to do a ton of it)! I''ve been keeping my eye out for something I''d like to get involved with, but haven''t been overly impressed with our local groups (or haven''t been able to make the time commitment). I''ll definitely keep pursuing this though. Great idea!

 

[bee*]

I definitely think that hobbies are a great way to meet people with similar interests. I have met quite a few people in the class that I do at the gym and it''s getting to the stage where we go out for tea/drinks etc which is nice. I think that it can be quite hard to meet friends when you''re working. Most of our friends we''ve known for years and quite a few of them are dating so we''re not short on couple friends, it''s just I''d like a few more girlfriends myself.

 

[mrscushion]

Not pathetic at all. It's so hard to make friends! I've often wondered the same thing. I only had a handful of really good girlfriends to start with and they've all moved away in the past three years.

Fortunately I am going to grad school this year, so I'm counting on that to make new girlfriends.

 

[ilovesparkles]

I can soooooo relate! I lost contact with all my HS friends. In my college I did not like the girls in my program, in fact strongly disliked most of them. I have a few casual friends at work, but most of my really good friends live out of state now. Next Dec/Jan, I am going to be moving to Nebraska to be with H and will know nobody. And it kinda shakes me that I will only know his friends. I want someof my own, you know? I love this idea of meetup.com! The one I have heard of is Events & Adventures, but I don''t know if its local or what. I would google it if I were you!

You are not pathetic, many of us are at that stage in life I think!

 

[LadyBlue]

Maybe you should take a class, like idioms, art, photography, something that you like, can meet and share opinions with new people, maybe you can find friends

 

[ringless]

There are a ton of ways, it just depends on what you're into. Try taking up a new hobby or sport, look at different classes offered at YMCA, art center's in your area, etc. I have a friend that just joined a girls only kick ball league and she made so many great girl friends.
Even church youth/college/single adult groups are a good place to make lifelong friends. The easiest thing to do is compliment someone on their outfit, purse, hair, etc. and that gets the conversation going! If you come across someone catty or that doesn't seem interested, move on... they probably wont make a good friend!

 

[luckystar112]

I swear, it's amazing to me how many post-high school/college girls feel this way, myself included.
For a long time I felt like maybe there was something wrong with me. Am I weird? Do I have a crappy personality? Am I too negative a person? I had lots of friends in high school. My teachers called me a social butterfly. I was "in" with all the cliques. Then, after I moved across the country, nothing. It was like I had lost all of my social skills. What makes me feel better is knowing that I'm not alone. This topic has been started several times on pricescope, and I have met girls in "real life" who feel the same way. Why is it SO hard to meet new girl friends?!?!?!

Date: 4/16/2009 2:00:42 PM
Author: Sunset_in_Cali
Hi Still Waiting! I can relate. After college, I moved across the country. That was about 5 years ago and I still don't have many friends. It seems like everyone already has established friendships and aren't looking to make new friends. And it doesn't help that I'm a quiet/introverted person either. My advice has already been mentioned (meetup.com, gf's of your bf's friends), but I did have some success with craigslist, I met a girl who was in the same situation as me (just moved to the area and was looking for friends), and now we're good friends.

But I'd still like to make more friends, so I'll be checking this topic for other's advice.

I am in a similar situation. I moved to Houston in 2001 right after high school, and I have not managed to develop a single close friendship. I agree with you that it feels like everyone has already established friendships and they aren't looking for new friends, and I also feel that I am quiet/introverted. Thinking back on my life, I don't think I've never initiated a single friendship that I've ever had. People more outgoing than myself always came to me. Obviously, I have to give a little to get a little but it's hard. I did attempt at starting a friendship with one girl, but we just didn't click and it was so obvious. Our "friendship" faded very fast. That's not to say I'm a hermit or anything. DH and I have a few couples that we hang out with often. And while the girls and I get along great, it's kind of like what elledizzy was saying about how they'd rather make scones on a Friday night. What I feel like I'm missing in my life is a close friendship with a female, where we can meet at Starbucks and chat about our husbands, or go shopping together, or grab a lunch. For the most part, the only girl friends that I have live in my hometown. I think it's part of the reason I want to move back so bad.

But as I was saying earlier, it's apparently really common. I've heard the same thing from one of my old co-workers (moved here in 2003) as well as my DH's boss's wife (moved here in 1996....still no friends!). And of course, all of us live on opposite sides of the city (Houston) so us getting together is not only difficult, but could be considered a conflict of interest.

Sigh. Anyway, I feel your pain!

 

[Still_Waiting]

I checked out meetup.com and it looks pretty cool. Not as many groups nearby as I''d hoped, but I suppose it wouldn''t kill me to drive a little ways (though I do detest it...traffic...ick!). It will be very difficult for me to just show up to one of the events by myself, but gotta push myself beyond my comfort zone from time-to-time, right?

I''d love, love, LOVE to take a couple of classes...lots of things I''d love to learn more about, but, unfortunately, I''m not in the financial position to pay for any. My "fun" budget is VERY small...and any fun money at all is totally dependent upon how many jobs I work in a month. Usually, I only have about $20 to play with...Although, I''m sure there must be some free classes out there...I''ll have to do some more searching.,

Thanks, girls. This really has encouraged me. Not only does the info help, but just knowing that you all care enough to bother posting means a lot too! Hey, any of you gals in the Portland, OR/Vancouver, WA area?

 

[Mannequin]

I know people who have had a lot of luck using meetup.com and similar sites to make new friends. Hope it works for you, SW.

I''m in a similar situation. Grew up in a small town where most people scattered as fast as they could after high school graduation. My best girlfriends now live 100s/1000s of miles away. People come and go in my life so quickly at my grad school, and the school I teach at can be super clique-y. Outside of work and masters classes, I''ve been too busy and too broke to do much mingling in the town I just moved to over the summer. Eventually this will change, but in the meantime I feel like I am losing touch with too many people.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 4/16/2009 2:07:41 PM
Author: Still_Waiting

Date: 4/16/2009 1:38:37 PM

Author: Travel Goddess


Hahahaha! I started laughing out loud at work when I read this. If I were single, and sure that this guy was straight, I''d ask you to introduce me.

To answer the OP''s question. Volunteering was the first thing that popped into my head. I know in my area, there''s a group of ''young professionals'' that network and volunteer and have activities like pub crawls and such. I''ve been thinking about joining, but then when would I find time to watch American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Fringe, Jon & Kate, Deadliest Catch, etc etc etc. I''m lame.

I would LOVE to do more volunteering (I used to do a ton of it)! I''ve been keeping my eye out for something I''d like to get involved with, but haven''t been overly impressed with our local groups (or haven''t been able to make the time commitment). I''ll definitely keep pursuing this though. Great idea!

Do you have specific categories you''d like to volunteer in? Its been my experience that even though I can''t always give a lot of time, anything I can give is much appreciated - I''d consider really pushing to start doing something, so you can have something new in your life and start meeting people. Trust me - even if its only 1-2 hours a week, you will feel so amazing for doing it

 

[misskitty]

I''m so glad this thread was posted! I''m totally having trouble making new friends in my new city (seems like everyone here is still friends with the same people they were friends with in high school), and I love these suggestions.

 

[BeachRunner]

Date: 4/16/2009 7:23:48 PM
Author: luckystar112
I swear, it''s amazing to me how many post-high school/college girls feel this way, myself included.

For a long time I felt like maybe there was something wrong with me. Am I weird? Do I have a crappy personality? Am I too negative a person? I had lots of friends in high school. My teachers called me a social butterfly. I was ''in'' with all the cliques. Then, after I moved across the country, nothing. It was like I had lost all of my social skills. What makes me feel better is knowing that I''m not alone. This topic has been started several times on pricescope, and I have met girls in ''real life'' who feel the same way. Why is it SO hard to meet new girl friends?!?!?!

You took the words out of my mouth! I feel like it''s me as well! Even in college I was a social butterfly. I had lots of friends, and had no trouble finding something to do when I wanted to. Today, it''s super difficult to find someone to grab a drink with. I have a few co-workers I can talk to, but in the end, they are just acquaintances.

 

[Still_Waiting]

Date: 4/16/2009 9:31:32 PM
Author: AmberGretchen

Date: 4/16/2009 2:07:41 PM
Author: Still_Waiting

Date: 4/16/2009 1:38:37 PM

Author: Travel Goddess


Hahahaha! I started laughing out loud at work when I read this. If I were single, and sure that this guy was straight, I''d ask you to introduce me.

To answer the OP''s question. Volunteering was the first thing that popped into my head. I know in my area, there''s a group of ''young professionals'' that network and volunteer and have activities like pub crawls and such. I''ve been thinking about joining, but then when would I find time to watch American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Fringe, Jon & Kate, Deadliest Catch, etc etc etc. I''m lame.

I would LOVE to do more volunteering (I used to do a ton of it)! I''ve been keeping my eye out for something I''d like to get involved with, but haven''t been overly impressed with our local groups (or haven''t been able to make the time commitment). I''ll definitely keep pursuing this though. Great idea!

Do you have specific categories you''d like to volunteer in? Its been my experience that even though I can''t always give a lot of time, anything I can give is much appreciated - I''d consider really pushing to start doing something, so you can have something new in your life and start meeting people. Trust me - even if its only 1-2 hours a week, you will feel so amazing for doing it

I know that there is a new-comers volunteer group that I think would be a lot of fun. I taught English in Korea for a year and think it would be a blast to help orient people new to the country (and my city), but it''s pretty time consuming. Although, I was looking into that before I was working so little...but I''m trying to find a job for the summer so my hours might not be very predictable.

I also think it''d be fun to help at the Humane Society, but, again, it seemed like I couldn''t commit to the specific hours they needed help.

I used to do a lot of volunteer work with kids through school programs, but now that I''m a teacher, I''m working those hours I used to volunteer!

...I''m not sure what else...I''ll have to go check out idealist.org again. It''s been years since I searched through it, I''m sure it must still exist.

 

[Still_Waiting]

Date: 4/16/2009 7:23:48 PM
Author: luckystar112

I am in a similar situation. I moved to Houston in 2001 right after high school, and I have not managed to develop a single close friendship. I agree with you that it feels like everyone has already established friendships and they aren''t looking for new friends, and I also feel that I am quiet/introverted. Thinking back on my life, I don''t think I''ve never initiated a single friendship that I''ve ever had. People more outgoing than myself always came to me. Obviously, I have to give a little to get a little but it''s hard. I did attempt at starting a friendship with one girl, but we just didn''t click and it was so obvious. Our ''friendship'' faded very fast. That''s not to say I''m a hermit or anything. DH and I have a few couples that we hang out with often. And while the girls and I get along great, it''s kind of like what elledizzy was saying about how they''d rather make scones on a Friday night. What I feel like I''m missing in my life is a close friendship with a female, where we can meet at Starbucks and chat about our husbands, or go shopping together, or grab a lunch. For the most part, the only girl friends that I have live in my hometown. I think it''s part of the reason I want to move back so bad.

But as I was saying earlier, it''s apparently really common. I''ve heard the same thing from one of my old co-workers (moved here in 2003) as well as my DH''s boss''s wife (moved here in 1996....still no friends!). And of course, all of us live on opposite sides of the city (Houston) so us getting together is not only difficult, but could be considered a conflict of interest.

Sigh. Anyway, I feel your pain!

I hear ya on that one! My one friend that I do have this with is moving away!

I guess that''s why this feels so important to me now. I have friends that I see about once a month, but I miss having that small group of friends that would always be up for just hanging out.

 

[Still_Waiting]

Date: 4/16/2009 11:26:52 AM
Author: Bia

Good luck! And remember, we''re your friends, even though we''re virtual.

Aww...thanks!

That''s sweet!