Making friends as adults

[katamari]

Who has done this? How did you do it? I have just been throwing myself into my work, and I don't think that is a sustainable strategy anymore. Any suggestions?

--

I am not asking for advice catered toward my particular experience, but in case it would help here it is:
DH and I moved cross-country in August for my new job. We love the area and I love my job (DH is in in the midst of interviewing right now and, we hope, will have work he loves by the end of the year). However, we are having trouble meeting people.
What doesn't seem to work for us: Neighbors. We have tried to reach out to our neighbors, but we are childless 30-somethings in a neighborhood of mostly 30-/40-somethings with children. Co-workers. I work 40 miles from our home. Most of my co-workers live in the city where my college is, so developing friendships through my work is less enticing because it would involve lots of traveling. (Plus, neither of us particularly like making friends at work for multiple reasons, the main being an effort to sustain some work-home divide). Faith organizations. DH and I do not share a faith. We tried to find a faith organization here, but neither of us liked the options for the other's faith. We decided it is best to keep this aspect of our lives separate, which has worked for us in the past.
What might work: Volunteering. We have tried volunteering and have found some great organizations, but we are not sure we will build friendships doing it. Waiting it out. My career is highly mobile--you have to take the job you get, and it almost always requires relocating. Friends who have done it in the past says things sort of fall in place in 1-2 years. Getting out. DH and I like to go to shows, bars, and restaurants. We get out, but it is awkward, at least for us, to start conversations with others.

 

[TravelingGal]

Katamari, IMHO making friends as an adult is about as tough as finding a significant other. Meaning a TRUE, kindred spirit like friend, and not one that is out of convenience (like promixity.)

There's not one way to make such a friend...but it does help to put yourself out there, just like in dating. The problem with adult friendships is that a lot of the time, adults already have their circle of friends and aren't actively seeking to build any new ones.

Finding friends as a couple is even more difficult. That means 4 people have to like each other all at once!

For you, I'd say find something that interests you and pursue it. You get the fun of furthering yourself and having common ground with any people you might meet in your venture.

And insanely...how about internet forums that actually allow you to PM? It takes longer, but real friendships can form!

 

[fieryred33143]

I was going to suggest the online route as well. I don't know if you are part of any other forums but if you are, maybe there are some locals you would feel comfortable meeting up with? I met a friend through the other site I visit often. We met up at a very public place and she's now a great friend. We aren't bffs or anything but it's really fun getting together with her.

 

[Gypsy]

Well, my closest new friends as adults have been through work and through PS. It's hard though. REALLY REALLY FRICKIN HARD to make friends as adults. But sometimes you get lucky.

 

[TravelingGal]

Well, my closests friends as adults have been through work and through PS. It's hard though. REALLY REALLY FRICKIN HARD to make friends as adults. But sometimes you get lucky.

Finding chemistry with anyone is tough. To answer Katamari's question about how I found my one adult friend (meaning found after I was 21), she worked at my company and was volunteered to help us at a tradeshow. We were all in a van traveling 1.5 hours to the destination when I made a joke that no one really got. She did. There was just a twinkle in her eye and we clicked. We just stuck with each other for the rest of the show and the rest is history. All it was, was chemistry.

 

[HollyS]

My dearest and oldest friends came to me in the usual way: work and church. That's where we spend the most time outside the home.

Actually two of my oldest friends were people I met at my first job in Texas, when we were all young. It does seem less easy after you leave your 20s to pal around with the folks you work with. By that time, each of you has other obligations outside of work, and you do a little less socializing anyway.

We've been at the same church for almost 20 years, so we've had time to get to know many people in a fairly intimate setting over a long period. It didn't happen immediately.

Many 'occasional' friends, people who care about us, but we don't regularly socialize with, are people we've met through business contacts or employment. They are people we might invite to a party, but we wouldn't make plans to see them very often.

The older I get, the closer the circle of friends actually is, and the smaller it becomes.

 

[violet3]

Agreed. making adult friends is really hard. I hate to say that i've made most of mine through work....how bout gym classes? i have made some aquaintences that way....

 

[dragonfly411]

I'm 24. I have a horrible time making friends. There aren't as many girls that have the same interests as me that I can relate to here. I mean there are, but I know of only one girl (who I am friends with) that is happy to head out to the woods sans guys. I don't know many who are happy to bait their own hook. Not many who know how to load their own gun, or who enjoy the same movies, or books. Sigh. There are lots of horsey folks, but I don't have a horse to compete on so I look silly going to sit at the barrel races by myself.

 

[stephbolt]

No advice, just commiseration. My one good friend I made as an adult I met through a sports team (we were both in grad school, but in different programs). She moved cross country after grad school though so now I am back to square one.

So I guess maybe an adult rec sports league? I'll be watching this thread for other suggestions.

 

[Gypsy]

Well, my closests friends as adults have been through work and through PS. It's hard though. REALLY REALLY FRICKIN HARD to make friends as adults. But sometimes you get lucky.

Finding chemistry with anyone is tough. To answer Katamari's question about how I found my one adult friend (meaning found after I was 21), she worked at my company and was volunteered to help us at a tradeshow. We were all in a van traveling 1.5 hours to the destination when I made a joke that no one really got. She did. There was just a twinkle in her eye and we clicked. We just stuck with each other for the rest of the show and the rest is history. All it was, was chemistry.

Totally Agree. With each of my TWO adult friends there was chemisty and it really just clicked pretty much right away.

 

[lizzyann]

I agree with another poster who mentioned gym classes. I have met two friends thru zumba and swimming at the gym. And we live right down the road from eachother and we had no idea!

 

[Steel]

I don't have any advice on this one - I'm still trying.

Perhaps as TGal says; this might be a benefit to bringing back the PM's?

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Volunteering is a great way. Find an organization that appeals to an interest-- that way you will have more in common with the other volunteers from the get go.

I have made several good friends with my sorority alumni group. We span all ages, alma maters, and it's a very diverse group. Were you involved in anything similar in college?

I met one of my best adult friends through PS... Hi Uppy! We have both learned that age is only a number, and have become extremely close despite the age gap. I think we're both learning from one another and this unconventional friendship has been such a blessing. So, I guess my lesson with us is don't write off a new acquaintance because it seems unlikely.

Do you have friends or family members back home who know other people that live in the area? Don't be ashamed to go on "blind dates'" so to speak, to meet new people. My mom met one of her best friends like this. She also met a dear friend who is her yoga instructor.

 

[soocool]

To make it easy, see if there is a Welcome Wagon in your neck of the woods. This doesn't always involve people new to the area, but people who want to meet other people. The one is our area has a group who host play dates for their kids and the moms get together as well. Another group is a Bridge group that plays cards once a week. A third group is a cooking group who host dinner parties once a month in each other homes. Another group is a "wine group" who get together to visit local wineries, etc. You get the idea. I hope that helps!

Here's a link to the one in my area so you get an idea of what it is about.

http://buckscountyneighbors.net/

 

[Tacori E-ring]

It is so much harder as an adult. The years between college and parenthood were the most difficult. Now that I have a child it is pretty easy again. I imagine she is my golden ticket until she is a teen and more independent. Now that I am back in school, there is a whole crop of potential friends. I have also made friends from people I met through the gym or other friends.

 

[packrat]

I feel for you Katamari! I've lived here my entire life and hardly have any friends. I'm socially awkward. My bff seems to be pulling away from me, and even general friendly type teasing seems to be kind of mean, or at least I perceive it that way.

Most of my adult friends I've met thru whatever job I was doing at the time. (Except my current job. This one is not conducive to outside work friendships AFAIC) My brother dated a girl several years ago when London was just little, and we had pretty much an instant friendship, tho after they broke up and she moved it was awkward and didn't last.

It's hard b/c JD works different hours than normal people. He's always either done 2nd or 3rd shift, and sometimes he works 7 days a week, and doesn't always know if he has to work the weekend until Friday, so hard to make couple-plans. And now we've got kids, and don't like to ask people to watch them (and only allowing a couple people to watch them to begin with, we don't want to overstep, you know), so we like to just have people over here to have supper, watch movies etc, but a lot of people don't want to do that I guess, they want to go out, or have child free supper at someone's house.

What about taking a fun class-was that already mentioned, I forget.

I've got a few friends who are older than I as well. A couple of them are about 45 or so I think.

And then I've got my PS friends, my jewelry peeps. Never in a million years expected to make friends on here, but I did and it's really nice.

 

[mary poppins]

A bunch of my good friends are people I met through participating in the Jaycees (local Junior Chamber of Commerce) and meetup.com activities and events, taking a gym class (tai chi), and posting on another message board for people have a common interest that requires us to participate in an activity that occurs locally and nationwide. I also have a couple of people who I refer to as "hand-me-down friends." When I moved to a city where I didn't know too many people, I asked my current friends if they knew anyone in my new city who might want to get together. I hit it off with a few of my friends' friends and am happy to call them my friends now.

I have since moved to another new city and this thread reminds me that I should go out and find more new friends. I'll be doing it as part of a couple now which, as someone pointed out above, is harder because four people need to be interested in friendship and making time now instead of just two.

 

[star sparkle]

I don't have any good advice, but just want to say that I empathize with you. The only friends I've made as an adult are through work, and even then it's not like I get together with them regularly. I grew up in a town about an hour away from where I currently live and work, and really I've grown up so much from that life that I'd have nothing in common with the people who were my friends growing up even if I were able to see them regularly.

I even met my SO through work (though we don't work together, per se), so obviously I'm not one who has any suggestions to offer. Sorry!

 

[Indylady]

Hmnn..making friends after school (I mean after graduation) really is hard. I spent this past summer with just one, solitary lunch-time buddy and no 'friends' at all because I was living and working in a new city. It was only tolerable because I knew it would end soon.

How about:
--An inter-faith center, or a church with a focus that is more on morals than scripture (you can take a stab, I just don't want to break any rules or offend posters by posting a name)
--Co-op grocery stores in your area: become a member, and then you get to elect the exec-board and sit in on meetings, and you will generally find like minded people (at least like minded about their groceries if nothing else!)
--Cooking classes: I've taken a few through our local Hare Krishna group
--Retreats: spiritual, hobby-based, etc.

I have to run, but I'll be checking back soon!

 

[asscherisme]

Well, my closest new friends as adults have been through work and through PS. It's hard though. REALLY REALLY FRICKIN HARD to make friends as adults. But sometimes you get lucky.

I totally agree! And add work and kids to the mix and its really really hard.

 

[swingirl]

I know you’ve tried it but I think volunteering is a good way to meet adults. What has worked for us; community theater (they always need people to build and paint sets, collect tickets, etc. so whether you have talents or not isn’t an issue). Local politics; getting involved in committees, participating in meetings, and organizing events. If you enjoy children there are volunteer mentoring programs. I participated in this and all the adult mentors got together once a month for social and idea sharing. Seemed like everyone was very open and interested in socializing, as most people did not have kids of their own.

Volunteering works best when you pursue your interest and get involved with people who share the same passion. Once you click, the original interest doesn’t play such an important role. It’s time consuming but night classes are also a good place to meet people. Anything like cooking classes, foreign language, social dance, stuff just for fun.

Bottom line is it’s hard, takes effort and doesn’t always work. Good luck.

 

[asscherisme]

It is so much harder as an adult. The years between college and parenthood were the most difficult. Now that I have a child it is pretty easy again. I imagine she is my golden ticket until she is a teen and more independent. Now that I am back in school, there is a whole crop of potential friends. I have also made friends from people I met through the gym or other friends.

When I had once child I agree, he was the ticket to meeting people. But as you have more kids and older kids and are always driving from one thing to another or trying to juggle schedules, I find that kids don't help and make me so busy its hard to find the time to connect.

By the way, your daughter in your avatar is ADORABLE!!!

 

[Autumnovember]

Is it bad that I'm only 22 and I've given up on making new friends?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

It is so much harder as an adult. The years between college and parenthood were the most difficult. Now that I have a child it is pretty easy again. I imagine she is my golden ticket until she is a teen and more independent. Now that I am back in school, there is a whole crop of potential friends. I have also made friends from people I met through the gym or other friends.

When I had once child I agree, he was the ticket to meeting people. But as you have more kids and older kids and are always driving from one thing to another or trying to juggle schedules, I find that kids don't help and make me so busy its hard to find the time to connect.

By the way, your daughter in your avatar is ADORABLE!!!

More the reason to only have one! I agree, once she gets older I can't use her to increase my social life anymore. For now, I will enjoy it! Bwahaha! My mom's close friends were usually parents of our friends. It is only natural you would feel connected to people in similar situations. My ILs are in a 55 and up community and it is like college again for their social life. So I think you have to do what you like (sports/art/writing class/choir/etc) and the friends will follow. Women tend not to trust new women in my experience. It's a shame.

Thanks for the compliment. I'll keep her.

 

[curlygirl]

I agree that it's very hard to make friends as an adult. The majority of my adult friendships have come through work. And more recently, I've made some real friends who are the parents of my child's friends. At first I thought we would just have the pleasantries at school but a couple of the moms and I have really clicked and even spend time together without the kids which is nice. Other than that, I have absolutely no idea how to make lasting friendships as an adult!

 

[Haven]

I agree that it's hard to make new friends as an adult.

When I was in school I was the type to have a large group of friends, but as an adult I've always been a less is more type of person in the friends department. I often see people who have these large groups of friends and wonder if there's something wrong with me--I don't have a group, just several individual friends from a variety of places.

That being said, here's a lowdown of my close friends and where we met:
J: My oldest friend, met in the second grade
R: Dear friend, we met in our first job after college at age 21 (she's in my book club now)
N: My "best" friend, met at age 22 working at a day camp together for the summer (I quit my "real" job and worked at the camp the summer before I started law school)
D: Dear friend, we met at age 23 in a job
E: Dear friend, we met at age 25 at work

So, I basically met everyone in various jobs. Helpful, huh? I made three good friends in grad school, too.

My mom has been having great luck making friends by going to meetup.com events. I meet a lot of new people when I volunteer, too, I think that's a great venue to meet new people.

 

[VRBeauty]

OOPS! Double-post!

 

[VRBeauty]

I have a terrible time making friends (I'm basically very shy) so I wouldn't rely on my experiences, but..

I have friends who meet others through meetup.com, and some who meet others by participating in Sierra Club, vegetarian society, etc. activities.

I wouldn't rule out faith-based groups either, if your respective places of worship aren't too traditional. I worship in a pretty liberal church, and it isn't unusual at all to meet a member's spouse for the first time at more social affairs...

 

[katamari]

Thank you all so much for responding! If anything, it is nice to see that I am not alone in having trouble here. It makes me feel like less of a loser

TGal, great point about it being harder for DH and I to work together on this. We do hang out with each other a lot (even more now), but it would be harder to meet and approach someone as a dyad. I am typically shy, so I am not good at putting myself out there, but I have to try. How did you end up staying in contact with your friend you met at the tradeshow? I have talked to some great people here, but have felt awkward trying to get their contact information. I guess that is another way I just have to put myself out there.

Fiery, PS is my one and only forum. I lurk on the Chronicle, but I only post here. Maybe I need to spread my virtual wings.

Gypsy, I suppose I should be open to work friendships. I do have some wonderful colleagues. And, there are some PSers in my new city. I guess I could initiate a GTG. I am glad to hear things could work out once I found someone I clicked with. I did meet a really great woman through a co-worker that I hope to run into again. We had a great conversation, but I felt strange asking for her e-mail or number.

Holly, it sure is harder post 20s. I think part of the problem is that DH and I only want a small circle of friends, but those are the kinds that take time and you have to build. I also guess either of us could meet people through our faith orgs. It is just difficult since we don't go to the same ones.

Violet3, gym is a good idea. I am still recovering from a surgery I had this summer, but my exercise ban lifts in December and I have been wanting to do some yoga.

Dragonfly, I don't know how to load a gun or navigate the wilderness, lol, but I do hear you about having specific interests. I guess I will need to branch out, but I could also try to find groups nearby that share my interests.

Stephbolt--great idea! DH and I were very involved in Ultimate in our old city. Here, you sign into leagues as a team, so we didn't get into a fall or winter league. But there has to be a way to get on a spring league. And, there has to be other co-recs that are fun besides Ultimate. Too bad I am terrible at soccer. . .

lizzyann, so you Zoomba?! I am so curious about it. As I sad to Violet, I cannot exercise right now because I am still recovering, but will be able to hit the gym soon enough (and will really need to by that point). I will just have to get in good enough shape that I can talk and don't just suck wind

OUpeargirl, I actually was in a sorority years ago. I am a lifetime member, so I should see if they have an alumni chapter here. I wasn't the most active person in the house, but my sisters were great people. That is a fabulous idea! And, I do think the most promise is with volunteering. There is a great organization here for people between 25-40. I just need to make more time for more events. My BIL lives here. He is very different from me, and I have just assumed he doesn't have any friends I would enjoy, but I should actually ask versus just assuming. I do love the idea of "blind dates" and will have to put a feeler out on the FB. This is a huge city, someone has to know some body here.

Very cool, soocool. I had no idea such groups existed. There is an "Anti-Freeze" group here, since the new city is famous for it's cooler-than-though mentality that shuts newcomers out. They do dinners and tourist-y things via Meetup. Thanks for that rec! I wouldn't have thought to google that.

Tacori, grad school people are the best! I think part of my problem is that my grad school friends are so amazing, that I don't want to move on. But, since we are now scattered across the states and beyond, I am going to have to. I will not tell DH it gets easier with a baby. He is DYING of baby fever right now, and keeps suggesting TTC since "we have all this time on our hands now."

Packrat, making friends is absolutely hard! Especially because life changes so much as you get older. I do love the idea of a fun class! I've always wanted to learn knife skills (of the cooking variety, not the violent variety, of course I personally would be happy to eat with anyone, but I did get the sense with our neighbors that they thought we didnt' want to hang out with their kids around.

Marypoppins, Meetup looks really promising. I am just having trouble finding things that aren't through the week here. Because I have been working like crazy to avoid the reality that my social life sucks, through the week has been difficult. I do not plan on continuing that into next semester, though. I would happily take some hand-me-down friends (love that term) and am going to put out a feeler to try to find some. Moving does suck! I hope you are having a better time of it than we are.

Thanks, starsparkle. Before we moved, we lived about two hours from where DH grew up. He was lucky if he got to see his friends once every 3-4 months. It is ashamed what a little distance can do.

I actually do have one lunch-time buddy and three carpool buddies, Indy, so I guess things aren't so bad. Those are some great ideas! I actually already shop at the local co-op, so it shouldn't be too easy to chat them up. I also didn't know you could elect to go on a retreat. That sounds great! I wonder if there is a "Weekend with Foucault and Bourdieu" coming up anytime nearby, LOL. Cooking classes sound great, too.

No kids yet, asscherisme. Thanks for the empathy.

Swingirl, great points. I have just been organizing with a group for 25-40 year-olds. Perhaps it would be better to find a cause I am truly passionate about. It would be harder to align DH with that, since most of our core passions are different, but this thread has started to make me think we might be best going this alone at least partially.

I don't think it is bad, Autumnnovember. I was done meeting new people from 25-33. I had the most fabulous group of friends and no desire for even one more. But, then we all got jobs and spread out. If we hadn't, I would have been done. I just hate that everyone in my new city apparently feels the same as you do

Thanks, curlygirl. Maybe we can borrow some kids. We do plan on TTCing in the next 1-2 years, so as long as there are friends in the future, that's cool.

 

[lulu66]

Who has done this? How did you do it? I have just been throwing myself into my work, and I don't think that is a sustainable strategy anymore. Any suggestions?

--

I am not asking for advice catered toward my particular experience, but in case it would help here it is:
DH and I moved cross-country in August for my new job. We love the area and I love my job (DH is in in the midst of interviewing right now and, we hope, will have work he loves by the end of the year). However, we are having trouble meeting people.
What doesn't seem to work for us: Neighbors. We have tried to reach out to our neighbors, but we are childless 30-somethings in a neighborhood of mostly 30-/40-somethings with children. Co-workers. I work 40 miles from our home. Most of my co-workers live in the city where my college is, so developing friendships through my work is less enticing because it would involve lots of traveling. (Plus, neither of us particularly like making friends at work for multiple reasons, the main being an effort to sustain some work-home divide). Faith organizations. DH and I do not share a faith. We tried to find a faith organization here, but neither of us liked the options for the other's faith. We decided it is best to keep this aspect of our lives separate, which has worked for us in the past.
What might work: Volunteering. We have tried volunteering and have found some great organizations, but we are not sure we will build friendships doing it. Waiting it out. My career is highly mobile--you have to take the job you get, and it almost always requires relocating. Friends who have done it in the past says things sort of fall in place in 1-2 years. Getting out. DH and I like to go to shows, bars, and restaurants. We get out, but it is awkward, at least for us, to start conversations with others.

i'm so glad you posted this. i've been *really* struggling with the same lately. DH & i moved across the country a little over 6 mos ago for his job. we're in a really rural area; it seems to us that everyone here was born here, grew up here, & already knows everything about everyone & aren't interested in being our friends. also, we are 30-somethings w/no kiddos. everyone has kiddos. also, (not to sound snobby) but this area is much less educated than where we came from. we both have post grad degrees & are used to being around people of similar education levels. i haven't been able to find a job yet so it's particularly hard on me, DH is the only person i have here. i'm home all day alone until he gets home from work. all i can say, is thank goodness for our 2 dogs, they entertain me & keep me sane.

it's also hard because we left an area where we had great friends & a great community & we really took that for granted i realize now. i'm still in touch with all of our friends there (talk to 3 of them practically daily--that's how close we are!) but am really missing having friends & don't know how to make any apparently. so, all of that is to say: YES! i feel ya girl. it's hard & it sucks. and i'll be your internet friend, if you want?