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trillionaire

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This is when being a LIW gets hard


SO''s brother and SIL are expecting a baby in June. It will be the first child together (SIL also has a 6 yr old) and the 1st grandbaby for his family. They got married last July. Anyway, SO told me last weekend that they were having a baby shower in May and his mom wants him to come, and I checked my email this morning and saw his flight itinerary. It makes me sad because I love his family, but because I am not family I am not included in the shower and whenever he goes out to visit after the baby is born.
I never had a timeline or anything about getting engaged, but my secret wish was that it would be before the baby comes, so that I could be a legit aunt. I don''t want kids and my siblings are far from that point, so I was really excited about SO''s little niece''s arrival in a few months. (which is ironic because SO, his mom and dad were distinctly UN-excited about it whenever I asked) I just feel really left out. His family is in CA and I can''t afford to fly out there right now anyway, but even so... it sucks to be me.

FML
 

fieryred33143

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I''m sorry. I know this is probaby not what you want to hear right now but I do not understand why you weren''t invited. You have been with your FF for a while now right (I want to say 5 years but I could be completely wrong). In any event, I think its silly that they didn''t invite you to the shower. I can *maybe* see not wanting a "girlfriend" around older children that may get attached if the brother (your FF) is someone that has a different flavor of the month. But we''re talking about a newborn meeting someone that is very much part of the family.

I''m sorry trill. Big hugs. Have you talked to him about how you are feeling?
 

NakedFinger

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Date: 4/1/2009 9:16:24 AM
Author:trillionaire
This is when being a LIW gets hard


SO's brother and SIL are expecting a baby in June. It will be the first child together (SIL also has a 6 yr old) and the 1st grandbaby for his family. They got married last July. Anyway, SO told me last weekend that they were having a baby shower in May and his mom wants him to come, and I checked my email this morning and saw his flight itinerary. It makes me sad because I love his family, but because I am not family I am not included in the shower and whenever he goes out to visit after the baby is born.
I never had a timeline or anything about getting engaged, but my secret wish was that it would be before the baby comes, so that I could be a legit aunt. I don't want kids and my siblings are far from that point, so I was really excited about SO's little niece's arrival in a few months. (which is ironic because SO, his mom and dad were distinctly UN-excited about it whenever I asked) I just feel really left out. His family is in CA and I can't afford to fly out there right now anyway, but even so... it sucks to be me.

FML
Trill- not to pry, but why wouldnt you be included in that? My SO and I arent engaged yet, and I am invited to EVERYTHING! B-day parties, weddings and even showers (so not only events that my SO will be at, I get invited on my own to his family's events). Its just surprising to me that you would be excluded, just because its not "legal" yet. You are a part of his life, engaged/married or not, so if you love his family, and wanted to be included in things, you should be. Especially if you SO wants you there too.

ETA- Haha Fiery, we must have posted at the exact same time. I was just saying the same thing!
 

LaraOnline

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Yes, I agree. If the family is happy to have their son live with you, and for him to have the benefit of your company daily /weekly/monthly/yearly, they are being standoffish by not inviting you... IMO
I guess every family's different - I can't really imagine holding someone at arms length for so long.
But I guess it's better not to take it personally. *shrugs*
 

trillionaire

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Yeah, I dunno folks. I just know I wasn''t invited. His family loves me and is typically very inclusive. SO wasn''t really very excited about going (sounds like girly stuff to him), but we only talked about it once in passing, and then his mom apparently booked him a ticket. Their family has been going through a lot lately, with his brother losing his job and being diagnosed with cancer and having two surgeries in two weeks, then needing chemo and other issues... so it might be that they are very consumed and preoccupied with that is going on. I dunno. Maybe they would expect me to come when the baby gets here, but didn''t want to ask about two trips back to back (May and June)? Who knows.

On the upside, I guess I will be free for Memorial Day weekend!

Anyone know anything
I can get into?
 

LaraOnline

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If they''ve had a lot of family / medical hassles recently, they may even have been embarrassed that they couldn''t pay for your ticket .. so avoided the situation by just not inviting you!
Humans can be funny that way... not want to offend you by not paying for you - so not invite you at all. humph!
 

tlh

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Tril- I am sorry to hear that this has you feeling down. I am sorry you weren''t invited to the shower, I know you would have loved to have come. I would use this an an opportunity to speak w/ your SO and say what it is that you are feeling.

"SO, I''ve never been one for timelines, but the pregnancy and the shower stirred up a lot of feelings. I want to be ENGAGED by the time the baby is born. I feel that since we aren''t engaged or married I am being left out of your family''s milestone moments. Do you want to have a future with me? It is just a little awkward that I am being left out of these monumental family moments. Do they like me? Do they see us having a future together? I am just a little confused. I am not trying to push for an invite because I couldn''t afford the plane tickets out, anyway - I just feel sad that it didn''t occur to anyone to invite me considering the fact that we''ve been together as long as we have...."
 

tlh

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Date: 4/1/2009 9:50:06 AM
Author: trillionaire
Yeah, I dunno folks. I just know I wasn''t invited. His family loves me and is typically very inclusive. SO wasn''t really very excited about going (sounds like girly stuff to him), but we only talked about it once in passing, and then his mom apparently booked him a ticket. Their family has been going through a lot lately, with his brother losing his job and being diagnosed with cancer and having two surgeries in two weeks, then needing chemo and other issues... so it might be that they are very consumed and preoccupied with that is going on. I dunno. Maybe they would expect me to come when the baby gets here, but didn''t want to ask about two trips back to back (May and June)? Who knows.

On the upside, I guess I will be free for Memorial Day weekend!

Anyone know anything
I can get into?
yeah, maybe they just couldn''t afford a plane ticket for you - and that is why you didn''t receive an invite like Lara said.
 

fieryred33143

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You know what, now that I''m thinking about it who''s hosting the shower? It may just be that the hostess didn''t think to extend the invite out to anyone except immediate family


You could always come here (Miami) for Memorial Day
.
 

Winks_Elf

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Date: 4/1/2009 9:16:24 AM
Author:trillionaire

It makes me sad because I love his family, but because I am not family I am not included in the shower and whenever he goes out to visit after the baby is born.
First, (((((BIG HUG)))))

Second, what kind of man is your boyfriend that you are together for so long and yet he doesn''t insist that you come with him, especially since he knows how excited you are about the baby??? You''ve been together for over five years now. And his family excluding you from any family events???
Sorry, but the boy needs to step up for you.
 

neatfreak

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Is it possible that you were invited but that since his family wasn''t buying you a ticket, and he knew you couldn''t afford one, no one let you know so you wouldn''t feel badly?
 

trillionaire

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Thanks for the kind words everyone. I don''t know much of anything about baby showers, having only been to one work related one. I have no idea who is hosting, and it may have been a bit last minute since SO first heard of it on Sunday. And I would not have been able to come anyway, but just like a wedding, it''s nice to know that you are WANTED there. SO was very cute, he was being sentimental about the fact that it will be the first Memorial Day where we weren''t together in at least 5 years... I dunno. I was always excited about the baby, and much moreso than SO... I think my excitement doesn''t have anywhere to go yet.


I can''t really talk to SO until this evening, so it''s nice to have people to talk to here!
Means a lot to me!

And TLH, I''m sure we will talk about how the shower and exclusion make me feel, but I am a total waffly batty crazy chick about engagement. I feel totally tied in a knot. Sometimes I very much want to be engaged, and other times I feel entirely too young and want to wait. I''m 26.5, and not really in a rush, it''s just that the niece coming was the first thing that made me want to have my ''place in the family''. They already call me family, and SO''s mom calls me FDIL, and his family invites me to parties and reunions, so I never had a reason to feel excluded before. This is unusual, and a little sad and uncomfortable.


I blame these BCP''s! I''ve been so emotional these days!!!
 

trillionaire

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Date: 4/1/2009 10:01:55 AM
Author: neatfreak
Is it possible that you were invited but that since his family wasn''t buying you a ticket, and he knew you couldn''t afford one, no one let you know so you wouldn''t feel badly?
I wondered about this too, but I can''t imagine that he wouldn''t mention it. I would decline, but I would still send a gift, so it seems that he WOULD tell me.
 

tlh

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I''m glad you''ll talk to him. But remember, I''m the Queen of Mean! I am pretty good at putting on the pout face and making my DH feel like the arse... that is just my tactic. It has gotten me out of laundry duty for almost 2 years now!
 

fieryred33143

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Date: 4/1/2009 10:12:10 AM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 4/1/2009 10:01:55 AM
Author: neatfreak
Is it possible that you were invited but that since his family wasn''t buying you a ticket, and he knew you couldn''t afford one, no one let you know so you wouldn''t feel badly?
I wondered about this too, but I can''t imagine that he wouldn''t mention it. I would decline, but I would still send a gift, so it seems that he WOULD tell me.
I bet that is what it is too trill. I remember when you went to a wedding (was it the same brother?) and you posted about how they treated you. I can tell his family loves you a lot. If you weren''t invited, I bet it was for a good reason not because you don''t have a place in their family.
 

trillionaire

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Date: 4/1/2009 10:01:34 AM
Author: Winks_Elf
Date: 4/1/2009 9:16:24 AM

Author:trillionaire


It makes me sad because I love his family, but because I am not family I am not included in the shower and whenever he goes out to visit after the baby is born.

First, (((((BIG HUG)))))


Second, what kind of man is your boyfriend that you are together for so long and yet he doesn''t insist that you come with him, especially since he knows how excited you are about the baby??? You''ve been together for over five years now. And his family excluding you from any family events???
Sorry, but the boy needs to step up for you.

Whoa there Winks!
This is not a BF attack thread. SO and his family have been pouring a lot of money into his brother and his family, as I said, he lost his job, his insurance, and was diagnosed with cancer. I understand that, and am fine with it. I don''t need to be there (esp for the shower), I just feel really left out of the loop, which is sad and unusual.
 

trillionaire

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Date: 4/1/2009 10:16:00 AM
Author: tlh
I''m glad you''ll talk to him. But remember, I''m the Queen of Mean! I am pretty good at putting on the pout face and making my DH feel like the arse... that is just my tactic. It has gotten me out of laundry duty for almost 2 years now!
LOL, I should take notes from you. We both hate laundry, and we have the piles of clothes to prove it!
 

trillionaire

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Date: 4/1/2009 9:37:16 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Yes, I agree. If the family is happy to have their son live with you, and for him to have the benefit of your company daily /weekly/monthly/yearly, they are being standoffish by not inviting you... IMO

I guess every family''s different - I can''t really imagine holding someone at arms length for so long.

But I guess it''s better not to take it personally. *shrugs*
We don''t live together, we are LDR. I would not live with a man unless I was engaged or married. No ''free milk'' over here, lol.

Funny thing is, I am used to being really warmly embraced by his family. They have known me for 8+ years and they love me and were much more receptive to me than FSIL, who they held at arms length. I haven''t talked to his family for a while, save email, but I get the impression that they might be a little stressed/overwhelmed about everything right now. The baby is coming soon, and their youngest son has to do chemo, recoop and find a job asap before June. I think they were all pretty blindsided by everything.
 

trillionaire

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Date: 4/1/2009 10:17:19 AM
Author: fieryred33143
Date: 4/1/2009 10:12:10 AM

Author: trillionaire


Date: 4/1/2009 10:01:55 AM

Author: neatfreak

Is it possible that you were invited but that since his family wasn''t buying you a ticket, and he knew you couldn''t afford one, no one let you know so you wouldn''t feel badly?

I wondered about this too, but I can''t imagine that he wouldn''t mention it. I would decline, but I would still send a gift, so it seems that he WOULD tell me.
I bet that is what it is too trill. I remember when you went to a wedding (was it the same brother?) and you posted about how they treated you. I can tell his family loves you a lot. If you weren''t invited, I bet it was for a good reason not because you don''t have a place in their family.
You''re right. I''m not really worried about having a place in the fam, I think I''ve been around long enough to feel plenty secure. Maybe they are planning personal family meetings or something. As I mentioned before, no one was really enthused about SO''s brother and SIL having another kid (they have a 6yr old who they have lots of problems with), so it might be that they are trying to come to terms with the coming baby as a family. SO''s parents are like 45-46ish, and weren''t expecting to be grandparents quite so soon. I really don''t know, and can''t totally relate. I am just EXCITED for the baby!
 

Bia

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Tril, I think it was probably very innocent. They might have not thought to send you a personal email because they didn’t think you’d come, or maybe it was a total mind fart

. Nothing to do with you personally, I’m sure.


Sometimes families forget about the SO. Not purposefully but because they are so used to having their own little “group.” I remember once when my parents and I went to visit my brother and his live-in girlfriend for the weekend. My father was cooking up a storm and my mother was setting the table. She, very absentmindedly, set the table for four and not five. She had been so accustomed to that for years that it totally didn’t register that there was an extra person! AND she loves my now SIL! She has also done things like call our house and leaves a message only for me. I had to remind her that we live together and it’s not just me here (say hi to both of us mom!).

I wouldn’t take it personally but I would encourage your boyfriend to gently remind his family that you are also his family, and should be kept in the loop when it comes to family events from now on.


((((hugs))))
 

jcarlylew

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trill - no words of wisdom, other than a big hug and hopefully it was all just a misunderstanding/communication like others have mentioned!
 

FrekeChild

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((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS Trill))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I''m sorry. Sounds like they have a lot going on, and I don''t think it was an intentional thing. I''m sure they consider themselves incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful FDIL.
 

Still_Waiting

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WHAT?! I totally don't get why you aren't considered family...is his family INCREDIBLY traditional? My SO's family is quite traditional (and not overly excited when we first moved in together), but they've ALWAYS treated me like family...I don't get it, but I'm so sorry you're being left out of this amazing time...that's just so ridiculously selfish of them...I'd be more than sad if I were you! =(

ETD: Oops, guess I should have read through the thread first before I posted my outrage. I can see how you'd be bummed about STILL being a LIW...(((HUGS)))
 

misskitty

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Date: 4/1/2009 11:17:57 AM
Author: jcarlylew
trill - no words of wisdom, other than a big hug and hopefully it was all just a misunderstanding/communication like others have mentioned!

Ditto this (I was actually in the middle of typing almost that exact sentence, and then I clicked refresh and it was already there!). Big hugs, and I do hope you get to see the baby soon.
 

sammyj

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Awww trill, you''re usually such a positive and spirited PSer that it makes me sad that you''re sad! I have to agree with neatfreak and fiery...the fact that his mom went ahead and booked the ticket for him (and it seemed to be more HER decision than HIS to go to CA) definitely put a spin on the situation. Finances, stress, timing, etc. probably led to an oversight although I agree that an invitation would have been nice.

In regards to your comment about waffling about getting married...is your SO waiting to propose because of you? Are you asking him to wait?? Do you think it''s less about being engaged and it''s more about not wanting to plan a wedding (er...elopement)? I''m just wondering because you two seem like a wonderful couple and
trill =
sammyj.
 

Callisto

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Aw I feel your pain and it sucks. I get invited to family parties and things like that but am still on the outside looking in.

For example: his brother got married this December which I flew across the country for to be a part of but come time for the wedding pictures and I didn''t get included in ANY of the posed pictures. I totally understand that since we aren''t engaged and something could still go awry (which I HIGHLY doubt) and we could end up not together they wouldn''t want me in ALL the family pictures... but not ONE!?!?!?! I mean seriously, they all know he and I are planning to be together forever, why do I need a ring on my finger to be a part of the family. Plus it makes it even harder that my family includes him in EVERYTHING.

Couldn''t they have done like two family pictures, one with and one without me just in case hell freezes over and he and I break up? I don''t know I just thought I''d be asked to be in at least one posed picture. I mean his SIL is going to be in all of our wedding pictures couldn''t they spare to have me in one?

It sucks. I''m totally there with you. Because you and he consider each other family but others don''t always recognize that.
 

Dreamgirl

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Awww
that makes me kinda sad too that you weren''t invited. I would feel left out too. I wonder if they feel its more of a family matter as in him, his parents and brother because of everything that''s been going on? Even that would still hurt though as you are pretty much family anyway.

**HUGS**
 

allycat0303

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Trill: I would be really hurt too. But I think you can mention it to your guy. Maybe they extended the invite to you and he already told them you couldn''t come, therefore they didn''t book a ticket. Sometimes I decline of my fiancé''s behalf and he does the same for me. It might make you feel better to clarify the situation.
 

wishinpink

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Date: 4/1/2009 9:16:24 AM
Author:trillionaire
This is when being a LIW gets hard


SO''s brother and SIL are expecting a baby in June. It will be the first child together (SIL also has a 6 yr old) and the 1st grandbaby for his family. They got married last July. Anyway, SO told me last weekend that they were having a baby shower in May and his mom wants him to come, and I checked my email this morning and saw his flight itinerary. It makes me sad because I love his family, but because I am not family I am not included in the shower and whenever he goes out to visit after the baby is born.
I never had a timeline or anything about getting engaged, but my secret wish was that it would be before the baby comes, so that I could be a legit aunt. I don''t want kids and my siblings are far from that point, so I was really excited about SO''s little niece''s arrival in a few months. (which is ironic because SO, his mom and dad were distinctly UN-excited about it whenever I asked) I just feel really left out. His family is in CA and I can''t afford to fly out there right now anyway, but even so... it sucks to be me.

FML

Oh no! =( I''m sorry to hear this! I can totally see why you''d feel left out! =(

I really hope your engagement happens soon! hang in there!!
 

trillionaire

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Date: 4/1/2009 1:13:20 PM
Author: Callisto
Aw I feel your pain and it sucks. I get invited to family parties and things like that but am still on the outside looking in.


For example: his brother got married this December which I flew across the country for to be a part of but come time for the wedding pictures and I didn't get included in ANY of the posed pictures. I totally understand that since we aren't engaged and something could still go awry (which I HIGHLY doubt) and we could end up not together they wouldn't want me in ALL the family pictures... but not ONE!?!?!?! I mean seriously, they all know he and I are planning to be together forever, why do I need a ring on my finger to be a part of the family. Plus it makes it even harder that my family includes him in EVERYTHING.


Couldn't they have done like two family pictures, one with and one without me just in case hell freezes over and he and I break up? I don't know I just thought I'd be asked to be in at least one posed picture. I mean his SIL is going to be in all of our wedding pictures couldn't they spare to have me in one?


It sucks. I'm totally there with you. Because you and he consider each other family but others don't always recognize that.
Callisto, thank you for sharing your story. I think that wedding pictures can make a very uncomfortable situation for a lot of LIWs. I was fortunate enough to be warmly included in his families photos, they were very insistent even though I was hesitant!

Bia Thank you for sharing your story as well! I will take your advice on making sure that SO remains my advocate for family occasions, but his family is generally very good about such things, which I think why this time I am feeling blue. They are actually all starting a family book club soon, and I am a part of that as well.
I'm sure the lack of invitation must be something innocent, but it still remains that if we were engaged or married, I'm 99% sure it would never have happened, so that makes me sad still.

JCarly, StillWaiting, MissKitty, Dreamgirl, Rosebud Thanks for the hugs and encouragement!
Much needed today!

Freke I feel luck to have a great Future fam! They are all really wonderful, and I hear lots of horror stories on PS! I think I got some of the good ones!


Sammy Yeah, he is essentially waiting because of me. I have to figure out what I am doing in terms of grad school, since I've taken time off in the middle of my PhD program. It's keeping us long distance right now,
but we've been LD for so long that it's normal to us! I'm really not in a rush to get married, but I would like for us to be in the same place. We both like where he lives better, but I might need him here to finish my program (8 yrs LDR would be TOO LONG!)

Alleycat, I will check with him, but it would be unusual for him to decline on my behalf. With this economy though, you never know. Maybe they didn't want to burden me
 
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