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Super_Ideal_Rock
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Feb 2, 2016
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I don't really know what to call this thread but I started thinking about the idea of getting a piece of jewelry after a significant event (affair etc). Like instead of make up sex, make up jewelry, I like the bling idea a whole lot better lol! Super curious to see what the general consensus is on this topic.

A few years back, a friend of mine found out her husband was having an emotional affair and she took off and refused to put her wedding rings back on because they were tarnished by the affair in her eyes. We lost touch so I don't know if she ever replaced them but I can see how looking at them might make her feel a certain way and wanting to start fresh after a reconciliation.

Have you or would you ask for new bling after an affair or other major event in your marriage where you felt like your SO should make amends? Do you find the whole idea of make up jewelry distasteful or just a way to turn something negative and painful into something positive?
 
For me, this just wouldn't work. If my husband does anything that causes me serious pain, I need assurance that he is truly remorseful and dedicated to rectifying it. Anything material would dilute this for me. Jewelry is only a happy, fun thing for me and has nothing to do with an emotional bond that has been broken. I wouldn't want a piece of jewelry associated with a painful time in my marriage. And I don't ever want to feel that he has bought me off or that my trust is for sale. IMHO!

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My first husband used to bring me little guilt presents. A BG Mudd inlay bracelet from a golf trip in AZ. A Tag watch after a guys trip to Vegas, etc. I certainly never asked for any of it. I did sell several things when I left him, so the gifts had their perks. ;)

It's really just a punishment for the guy's wallet and a reminder of shitty treatment for the recipient, imo. Or payoff for a misdeed. I don't really want any gift given out of guilt or penance, or as a way to smooth things over or reconnect. I'd want someone to show me I could trust them with my heart again, and that doesn't happen in any way except continued behavior/actions.
 
I have no interest in that so would not request, and it would not go over well with me if it were DH's idea. The marriage is still the marriage, and an affair, if it occurred, is part of that history so there is no reason to change the wedding set. A blingy trinket reminder won't erase the circumstances.

I'm not into makeup flowers, sex or other tokens. I would want words with sincerity and appropriate actions that support them.
 
The last thing I would ever want is to look down at my finger and be reminded that my husband had an affair.

Friends of mine have received beautiful pieces of jewelry because their husband had spent a lot of money on something he wanted and received such as a fancy car, fancy watch etc. I would be perfectly fine with that.
 
I wouldn't want the reminder of the negative event that a guilt gift would represent. How would you ever look at it without being reminded of the reason you have it....and how could that possibly be healthy?

I also think it's a problematic message if you suggest that your forgiveness/good will is for sale, and that you can be bought off with a trinket when someone has behaved badly. It screams "I don't have to be sorry, and you're a trophy that I can buy with my money" rather than "I'm really sorry, how can I make this right and avoid the same mistake in the future?"
 
I had a friend whose husband had a 2 year affair and upgraded her ering from a 1.5 ct to a 3 ct when he got caught. She forgave him and was ecstatic about the ring. I was able to hold my tongue about my doubts... Long story short, a few years later they are divorced due to another affair. This is just one example but I definitely wouldn't want to be in this camp.
 
ceg said:
I had a friend whose husband had a 2 year affair and upgraded her ering from a 1.5 ct to a 3 ct when he got caught. She forgave him and was ecstatic about the ring. I was able to hold my tongue about my doubts... Long story short, a few years later they are divorced due to another affair. This is just one example but I definitely wouldn't want to be in this camp.
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That would be my concern too. It's an "I'm not sorry, sorry." More like an "I'm sorry I got caught, sorry." And hey, a little gift will make the little woman turn a blind eye, because, ooh...shiny!
 
I'm with everyone else. Jewellery to commemorate something positive (anniversary, significant birthday, just because) would be very welcome. Guilt jewellery, absolutely not! It reminds me of the 'olden days' when men held the purse strings and women were second class citizens.

If my husband had an affair, I'd rather spend the money on counselling or a divorce lawyer, depending on the circumstances, rather than jewellery!
 
It's interesting to see that most everyone here has the same sentiment on this.

I agree with you all, in the case of my friend maybe after enough time went by she was able to separate the infidelity from the jewelry or maybe she was just using it as an excuse to upgrade.
 
I don't want to be looking at a reminder of a negative event. Things happen. You work it out and move on with the lessons learned (or you don't and split up) but you sure don't go back to remember the bad and having a constant reminder would seem to me to be asking for people to dwell on an event rather than have it as part of who they are but just a part. The negative would be too much there.

I'm also not for sale. You don't get to do something to hurt me and then buy me off. I deserve a lot more respect than that. I don't have a price list... How much $$$ is forgetting your birthday worth? How much for planning a guys weekend on your anniversary? How much for just kissing another? What about having sex with another?
My self respect is worth a lot more than that.
My grandfather believed he could go out and hire prostitutes then just buy something sparkly and make a donation to their church. Most of us have nothing to do with him anymore. (and my grandmother was miserable for most of her time with him)

Either he is sorry and we work it out or he isn't and we move on.
 
StephanieLynn said:
It's interesting to see that most everyone here has the same sentiment on this.

I agree with you all, in the case of my friend maybe after enough time went by she was able to separate the infidelity from the jewelry or maybe she was just using it as an excuse to upgrade.
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I am all for upgrades for ALMOST any reason. This isn't one of them. To each his own but I would still feel like I was offering my forgiveness in return for something material. And in that case I would be the one with unpure motives. True forgiveness is a gift for both parties and it has nothing to do with anything material.
 
I had a boyfriend who would do elaborate surprises for me at work with gifts and flowers to apologize. He never cheated, but still. For years, I associated surprises, gifts, and flowers with negative experiences.

I'd much rather save those gifts for the positive experiences in life.
 
I just remembered Kobe Bryant and Vanessa Bryant. When he got caught cheating, he bought her an apology ring-- an 8 carat purple sparkler.

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Madeline, I immediately thought of Vanessa when I opened this thread. I remember one of the woman I worked with said she would give her husband a pass for a month if she could get that ring.

There was no way in hell I could be happy with that ring, She received the ring because her husband was accused of raping a woman.

I also remember thinking this ring was too large when I saw the ring. What the heck was wrong with me!
 
I wouldn't want any piece of jewelry or anything that reminded me of something so painful. I don't know how Vanessa Bryant lives with the things Kobe has done in the past. Even an 8 carat sparkler wouldn't do it for me.
 
luv2sparkle said:
I wouldn't want any piece of jewelry or anything that reminded me of something so painful. I don't know how Vanessa Bryant lives with the things Kobe has done in the past. Even an 8 carat sparkler wouldn't do it for me.
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Idk. I'm a "'real person" not directly connected to a celeb and man...8 carats might do it for me. For like, a year, while I gathered my wits and spoke with my attorney, of course. :lol:;):lol-2:
 
monarch64 said:
Idk. I'm a "'real person" not directly connected to a celeb and man...8 carats might do it for me. For like, a year, while I gathered my wits and spoke with my attorney, of course. :lol:;):lol-2:
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Yeah in principle I want to say blechh and no thanks. But idk. I mean if I'm gonna forgive him anyway I might not say no to an 8 carat OEC :lol::P

However if he cheated on me that's a deal breaker and I'd be showing him the door. I'm pretty sure about that.

But if we are talking less major infraction well I'd consider accepting that 8 carat diamond especially if I felt his apology to be earnest and this is just in addition to that. I mean let's not cut off our noses to spite our faces of you kwim. :cheeky:
 
I just met a woman who is four years divorced, having been married for 17yrs. She mentioned that her rings got bigger with each affair. If someone's idea of making amends is a 30 min shopping trip then that doesn't seem like an appropriate way to make amends for breaking someone's heart.
 
I'm a very open minded individual. If it was a pre-determined "free month" ticket - I find nothing wrong with it. The couple can trade a diamond or whatever for a month of freebie time.

Cheating is a different story. The woman did not agree to it beforehand.

Vanessa has dealt with a lot. She's been married to Kobe long enough to take a lot from him. So she isn't staying with him to be a "gold digger" as many claim. She must have other private reasons. Love. Societal pressure. Her kids. Who knows!
 
madelise said:
I'm a very open minded individual. If it was a pre-determined "free month" ticket - I find nothing wrong with it. The couple can trade a diamond or whatever for a month of freebie time.

Cheating is a different story. The woman did not agree to it beforehand.

Vanessa has dealt with a lot. She's been married to Kobe long enough to take a lot from him. So she isn't staying with him to be a "gold digger" as many claim. She must have other private reasons. Love. Societal pressure. Her kids. Who knows!
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Love your open mindedness madelise. I don't judge Vanessa either. People have their own reasons for everything and I am not in their shoes. However one should be very careful when bartering for a free month - it could cost a whole lot more when it turns into years (heartache for both and the kids, counseling and attorneys fees, etc.)
 
ceg said:
Love your open mindedness madelise. I don't judge Vanessa either. People have their own reasons for everything and I am not in their shoes. However one should be very careful when bartering for a free month - it could cost a whole lot more when it turns into years (heartache for both and the kids, counseling and attorneys fees, etc.)
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Why would it cause heartache for both parties and the kids? Why would the kids even know?
 
I wonder if some women who embrace this idea have the outlook of making the man pay and if it doesn't work out they still have something they can sell and get something out of. Maybe it's like insurance for the future because let's face it, Vanessa would get a good chunk of change for that diamond she got.

Maybe some women feel they can't leave and get out of the situation so the bling makes it tolerable for them.
 
madelise said:
Why would it cause heartache for both parties and the kids? Why would the kids even know?
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I just mean that if the free month turns into a long term affair (without consent) then it may wind up bad for all parties, i.e., divorce. I don't think I would risk my marriage for a free month. Remember the movie "Indecent Proposal"?
 
I'm hoping that, if a couple was open and honest about it to even have a conversation and keep it in the open, they would continue to keep it an open and an honest conversation.

And children should never know about things like that.
 
Hell yes I would want a whole new wedding set after an affair! To complete the set, I would need a whole new husband!
 
So.... I had to think about this. And I also had to be realistic because I faced the fact that I can be a bit vindictive. In the end I decided that yes, I would let him spend HIS money on me. Absolutely. Would the trust be gone? Sure, and I'd tell him so. Nothing wrong with being up front. I wouldn't be falling for that "baby I'm sorry it won't happen again", BS. Naw brah, you're sorry you got CAUGHT! :eek: :roll: He'd have to put in a lot of work to get me back on track, and a single piece of jewelry won't do it. A suite of jewelry might:P. I wouldn't be cheap because I'd want paraibas ;)

In The case of the Bryants, She would have wiped his ass out and he knew it. They didn't have a prenup but they had small children and had been together for a long time. She knew he was messing around make no mistake, but its the fact he embarrassed her by him getting caught. I won't call it rape because in the end it was determined it wasn't. But he was def. a dog on the prowl (hell may still be, just being more careful about it)

At the end of the day, whatever works for them works for me. They worked out the best deal for them both. He probably will stick it out until the kids are older and won't cost him as much, She will continue to spend his money like water. Cheaper to keep her I guess.
 
I just wanted to add that I am not judging Vanessa Bryant in any way. I just know I could not be as forgiving as she is. I'm sure she has her reasons and I doubt they are monetary. If that was the case she would have taken the money and ran for the hills.
 
I know my answer, because it kind of happened to me would knowing it. When my Anni ring disappeared (possibly due to his affair taking or hiding it) he pressed for me to replace it, two times the 2nd being a very nice ring. I thought he was doing it bc we were going through rough times and it was his promise to me that we were still there for each other. In his mind, he did it out of guilt, or possibly to deceive me. When I found out about his infidelity, didn't want anything to do with ring. The only exception to this for me, is if the couple went through counseling, healed their relationship, and some point in future made new, positive anniversary they were celebrating w a piece of jewelry. You know, coming through the other side
 
Can I be morbid right now?

I want DH to drop off some super mega bling at my front door as a "I'm sorry for dying on you". (I'm being a little cheeky right nowo_O:twisted:)
 
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