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Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advice.

summerangel

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jun 3, 2011
Messages
3
This is a really long story, so I apologize. Hopefully someone will have the time to read it, and be able to give me advice from an outsider's standpoint

I met my fiance two years ago, and we have a ton in common. We have similar personalities, we are introverts, and we enjoy the same kinds of things. We have the same political views, and we get along so well in so many ways. He treats me better than any guy that I have ever met has, in terms that he is a true romantic and that he surprises me all of the time, brings me flowers for no reason, thinks of the most thoughtful gifts, and puts up with all of my issues, etc.

On the other hand, we have so many problems. His mother passed away a few months before we met. Since we are in our 20s, and she wasn't even 50 yet, it wasn't very expected. She had been quite sick for years, but he was not expecting her death. He doesn't have any close family here, and since he is an introvert, he doesn't have any true friends. I don't feel like he ever truly got over it, either, because they were so close. He only cleaned out her parts of the house a couple of months ago, and I haven't even been back there to look, so I have a feeling that it's probably still pretty bad.

Since his mother was so sick, they lived together. He took the furnished basement of a rental house, and she lived upstairs, with the pets. He apparently didn't want to take in the last two dogs, but did because she really wanted them. That made a total of three dogs and a cat.

After she passed away, he stayed in the house, and the dogs continued to stay upstairs. The problem is that the last dog that they took in was not trained, even though they were assured that she was (she was a rescue). She began to urinate and defecate on the floor, and she also completely tore up the furniture. I don't think that it was very frequent at first, but then it became worse as they spent less time with the animals. The animals basically took over the living room, since the humans weren't often around.
After his mother passed away, he didn't spend much time in the house, especially after he met me. I understand that he was lonely and that he wanted to spend time with me, but this dog literally destroyed the house. It became so bad that I couldn't even walk in without almost gagging. No matter how much he scrubbed the floor, it didn't matter, because the horrible stench was still there. It's also obvious that he didn't always catch the 'accidents'. Then, the other dogs started going on the floor, too, even though he was in total denial that they were.

I told him that he needed to train her, but he didn't want to crate her since he wasn't around, and he didn't seem to want to take the time to do it. He would try to discipline her, but it was fruitless, so it just continued to happen. I think she went after him once, and then he was scared to really train her. At that time, I didn't spend much time at his house, and I pretty much just went downstairs immediately after arriving. I was so lonely too, and we seemed to have so much in common and such a connection, so I tried to ignore it, especially since we weren't super serious at that time.

He always made excuses for them. That the dog that started it must have a very small bladder and not be able to hold it well, etc (even though it did not happen nearly as much until he started going out more and more). He didn't think that it was 'fair' to try to house train her now, when he couldn't even get a new carpet and the urine scent on the current one would just confuse her, but he would take care of it later. Besides, it only happened once every two weeks (but every other hour when I was around?!). Then, that the oldest dog just must not be able to hold it anymore (not true, because when we put a diaper on him, he would never go to the bathroom in them, even over a span of several hours). And finally, that the largest dog must be having problems, since he never did it before, and since he drinks so much water (the vet ran a test and said that nothing was wrong). He used to make jokes about it "oh, haha, dog #3 is pooping on the floor". Then he would pick it up without washing his hands, and without scrubbing the floor.

As our relationship started to become really serious, I became very stressed about the animals, and also about his general messiness (his house looked like an episode of Hoarders, and it seems better now, but nowhere near done). He promised that the dogs were no longer going to the bathroom in the house, and since I didn't go there often and wasn't even living in the same city, I stupidly believed him. Then, I got a job in his city, so I decided to move in. We decided to try to stay upstairs, so that we could give the animals more attention and be like a big family.

He had to tear the carpet up and scrub like crazy, and finally most of the bad odor went away. He assured me that they were now trained. He had to leave on the first afternoon that I was there, and over the course of less than four hours, the dogs urinated on the floor FOUR times. I would turn around to look at one, and turn around to a puddle of urine on the floor. He swore that it hadn't happened in months, that he was shocked, and that it must be the change in their routine since I was there and the carpet was up.
I also realized that I am highly allergic to the newest dog, and maybe all of them. As soon as I sat in 'her' chair (I didn't even realize it at the time), I started to itch like crazy. The same thing happened the next day, and then my fiance admitted that she actually lays in that chair all the time. I also noticed that I was getting a stuffy nose and scratchy throat when I was in the living room, especially when he vacuumed.

The dogs have always been allowed on the furniture, and they would not stop no matter what. It didn't help that my fiance would forget to enforce it, and the one that I'm allergic to would be up on the couch for 10 minutes before he would even 'realize' it. I had nowhere that I could sit without itching and wanting to tear my skin off. The biggest dog is also super hairy. No matter how much he is groomed and no matter how often you brush him, his hair is everywhere. I even found it in my soup on the first day that I was there. Some of my clothes became unwearable, because of the hair that clung to them, even just by walking through the upstairs or sitting in the car where they had previously been.

We had to live downstairs. I wouldn't even spend time upstairs, because I was too grossed out to walk without shoes up there. It was disgusting to even ever go upstairs. One time he went away on a business trip, and I was left with them. By some miracle, the two big ones did not have any 'accidents' (including the one who originally started it), but the other one continually went to the bathroom on the floor, and also tried to bite my dog. It was extremely stressful.

His third dog is sometimes mean. He is very old and blind and deaf, but he has apparently always had this temperament. He usually misses, but he actually did bite my fiance one day. My fiance was screaming and almost crying in pain. This dog has also tried to bite my dog and me, but he missed. He apparently used to try to go for the other dogs' necks.

My fiance finally put the two bigger dogs outside with shelter (and said that they would never come in again), even though he had originally been against putting them out there, but of course the old one had to stay in. We kept him in diapers, and also in a confined, non-carpeted area, in case the diaper came off. The cat also stayed, and she has also tried to hurt my dog as he was walking by. She has hurt one of my fiance's dogs once, to the point that they had to take the dog to the emergency vet. I had to be careful to keep my dog away from those animals, because he is well-trained (I didn't want him to pick up bad habits) and he is not aggressive in the slightest. They would always eat his food, and the old dog and the cat would go after him.

I ended up moving out, because I left my job (for other reasons) and couldn't stand to be around the animals. He also didn't really care for them properly. Sure, he fed them and gave them water, and he took them to the vet, but he didn't even know whether or not they were receiving heartworm preventative, etc. He just assumed that the vet was taking care of it. Also, he wasn't really providing proper love and attention to them. I don't understand it, because he paid thousands of dollars to have the biter's teeth fixed, and he broke down crying one day when thinking about how he is old and probably doesn't have much time left, and that he is so special and he wanted to be with the dog when it happens, blah, blah, blah. But he just never wanted to take responsibility. Instead, he goes out to see me and calls the dogsitter in to take care of them if he's not going to be home for awhile.

After I moved out, I was still stressed about the animals, and also about his general messiness. He wanted to go to couples' counseling, but I wasn't sure. I posted on one of my forums about it, asking for advice. Then, I was on his computer one day, and I noticed that he had gone to my the forum website. I investigated, and found that he had created two fake names and was actually responding to my questions, trying to sway me to his point of view. When I confronted him, he denied it and made up so crazy story, until he knew that he was caught.

A few days later, he told me about another lie. He had told me that he had put my engagement ring on layaway, and that's why it took him so long to propose. He had previously told me that it was in his safety deposit box, and that he was waiting until the right moment. A couple of days later, I started asking questions, and he admitted that he had also sent it out-of-state so that he wouldn't have to pay tax on it. I specifically told him that I was not comfortable with that option when we were at the jewelry store. I know that he was excited to propose and that he wouldn't have been able to propose for another month otherwise, but he still went against my wishes, and he knew that it was important to me.

He swore that he would never lie again, and he has been going to individual counseling. We tried couples counseling, but I didn't like the counselor at all. The problem is that I feel like he lies all of the time now, and I don't know what to believe. Some of his stories are far-fetched, but I can't prove that he's not being truthful. Before, I always thought that he was honest, so I never questioned it.
He also told me that he wanted to give the dogs better homes now that he realized how they should be treated, etc. He promised that they would never come back in, and that even if we broke up, he wouldn't ever want them in his house again because they destroy everything, and that he would still find new homes for them, and that he was giving them away for himself. I told him that I have nightmares about them coming back in, and he said that it would never happen. He even claimed that he thought he might be slightlyallergic to the newest one, too, and that all of the hair and urine/feces in the house grossed him out, even though it never really seemed to bother him before.

I also have a huge fear of STDs. I do have OCD, and I have a lot of anxiety issues. I had some symptoms (I do have a history of freaking out about every little thing), and I was sure that they were a disease, so I went and got tested. Everything came back negative, and I was very happy. He said that he should go too, to ease my concerns completely. He told me that he was a virgin when we met, but that he had oral sex in the past. He told me that he had never done underwear-to-underwear grinding, but he didn't 'remember' that we had done it (we had), so I couldn't believe what he said about his previous relationships, either. He also doesn't have any pictures of his apparent ex-girlfriends, except one of them, and none of him and her together.

I told him not to get tested though, because it would cause me more stress. Mostly this is because the panel included herpes type 1, and even though I know most people have it and that it's super common, I was afraid that it would make me irrationally scared if I saw the results. Experts also say that the herpes blood test is controversial because there can be false positives, and then you don't really know what's going on , so if you haven't had symptoms, you shouldn't get it. I had it done and I was negative, but I didn't realize the chance of false positives, etc at the time.

He went and had it done anyway (which was a big step for him, because he is terrified of needles), thinking that it would make me happy. When I found out, I broke down crying and started hyperventilating. I was so scared that something would come back false positive or something (I do have anxiety disorders, and I decided that I definitely need to get back on medication). We were already fighting before I found out (I told him that I just wanted to be friends, but really I needed time to think, and he never seemed to take me seriously about the animals, mess, etc when I just complained, so I had to say that we were breaking up), and told him to leave my parents' house when he told me. We were text messaging each other, and he promised that he would email me the testing center that he used as soon as he got home, etc. It's so pathetic, but I didn't believe that he would give me the real results. Anyway, I woke up the next day, and he hadn't emailed me.

Also, the herpes 1 results mean nothing to me even though they came back negative, because his family members (when he does see them) kiss him on the lips. I told him that I have this irrational fear of diseases and that it makes me uncomfortable, so he assured me that only his grandmother does it, and that he would talk with her about stopping. He supposedly did, but I haven't seen her since, although he has gone up to visit her. Then, his aunt came to visit last summer, and when they said goodbye before she left, she kissed him right on the lips. He doesn't 'remember' it, and is 'surprised' that she would do it. It would be a whole other story if he told me the truth that it happened, or was just realistic with me, but he just tells me that the things that make me uncomfortable won't happen again, and then they do and I happen to see it, but he doesn't 'remember'.

Anyway, since I didn't get the e-mail, I tried calling him and left him a cold voice mail message, but he didn't reply. I tried calling him two more times, and there was no response. I drove over an hour to his house unannounced, which I have never done before. When I got there, he opened the door, and the dogs were in the house. He had already found a new home for the old one (although I think that he was probably about to pick that one back up), but the two big ones were back in. He says that he just broke down and that no one loved him except them, and that he was crying since I broke his heart, etc, and that's why they were back in; because he had a huge moment of weakness. Yet he said that he had let them in in the morning, yet this was 5 pm. Also, he was downstairs getting ready to come to my house (supposedly), but the dogs were upstairs alone.

I can't believe a word he says or a promise that he makes. He says that it was a lapse in judgment, etc. But he said that they would never come back in no matter what, and it only took 12 hours after we 'broke up'. I also don't know that they haven't been in before, even though he 'swears on his mother's soul' that they haven't. I don't ever drop in unannounced, so I honestly have no idea. I do know that we stopped in his house a couple of weeks ago and it reeked of dog and slightly of urine again, but he blamed the old dog (he was still there at that time, but he was wearing diapers and was confined to an uncarpeted area) and the other dogs' old beds, and then he threw the beds away. We also had to go to his house twice while we were in his city hanging out, because we were close by and I had to use the bathroom. He ran in quickly before me both times, because he apparently had my anniversary gifts out on the counter, but I wonder if he was really trying to sneak the dogs out.

He was so upset and crying over our breakup and how I apparently didn't care, yet he couldn't send me that email, knowing how scared I was? He says that he broke down, and that he forgot about sending it. Also, I have never not responded to his calls, no matter what the circumstances. I don't care if I sounded cold and uncaring in my voicemail message, because he hadn't send me the email that I was desperately waiting for.

I am so scared. My anxiety is through the roof. He thinks that I'm not as upset as he is since I can just tell him that it's over like this, and he keeps crying and swearing that he's sorry for everything. The truth is that I am so petrified, but I don't know what to do. He promised that those dogs would never come back in, and he also promised that they could stay with his family (not close family that he sees often, but they live nearby and have a farm) and that they would never come back, and that I would never have to worry about them again. If he brought them back in the house so quickly, how can I believe that he would never take them back in after his family took them? He says that these were crazy circumstances, but he will probably feel the same way when he can't find a permanent home for one of them, etc.

On top of that, he is telling everyone that he is giving them away because I am allergic. While that might be somewhat true, that's not the main reason, and I feel like it's being blamed on me I feel like we are pawning these unruly animals off on people who have no idea what types of problems that they have, and I don't think he understands how dogs are supposed to act.

Last, I hate how he seems to put his family before me. He left me for New Year's while I was in a new apartment so that he could go visit them, and he barely even called me while he was there. Then, he extended his trip. When I complained about it, he made sure to call a lot when he went on his second trip, but he chose to make it while I was actually moving out of that apartment, which he had promised he would help me with. I was very upset, and he said that he would come home early. By early, he meant that he would leave 12 hours early and just not sleep, so he could drive at night and help me pack on the day that he would have been driving home. Then, the night that he was supposed to leave, he called because his family told him that it would be dangerous, and that there were too many deer in the road, so he should wait until morning. So he did, and ended up leaving exactly when he originally planned.

To be fair, he did ask me before he went on that trip, and I told him to go, but that I was going to be moving that weekend (and he had originally promised to help me). It just seemed ridiculous to me, because he had this sudden idea to go up and surprise his grandmother for her 79th birthday, even though he had never gone for any of her previous birthdays. Since we fought about it, he actually didn't go at all this year, even though they were planning a big party for her 80th birthday.

I am totally alone. I am an introvert, with no other friends in real life. I have my parents, but we don't always get along, and I have my dog. I don't have a job, and no one wants to hire me right now. There are not many nice guys around. In fact, every guy that I have ever dated before has treated me like crap. I know that this whole post only highlights the bad parts of our relationship, but we really do have more in common than anyone that I have ever met, and we have the same goals in life.
 

decodelighted

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2005
Messages
11,534
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

Stop writing on message boards and consult a therapist. In person. And keep going.
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 3, 2006
Messages
9,613
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

Ditto Deco...

You need to sort out your anxiety issues and OCD and get some proper counselling. Stressing about someone catching something by their aunty kissing them is just NOT NORMAL.

Regarding the dog situation, if it was me I would have given your boyfriend an ultimatum over the dogs. They should be rehomed immediately for their own well-being. Then, either buy gloves and a few bottles of industrial bleach or hire a professional cleaning-company and get the house fumigated.

Sounds like your boyfriend is pretty depressed and he could do with some counselling for that.

In any case, neither of you are in any position to think about marriage.
 

canuk-gal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 19, 2004
Messages
20,845
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

HI:

You are not completely alone--you stated you have family. Please engage their help to get you thru this difficult time (you need some support) and to help you seek professional guidance. Once you have your own feelings & behaviors under better regulation/management you will be in a more stable position to sort out the rest of your "issues".

kind regards--Sharon
 

summerangel

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jun 3, 2011
Messages
3
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

Thanks for the advice.

Herpes type 1 (most often known for cold sores) is passed through simple kissing, and it is now approximated that 57% of all Americans have it. By old age, 80-90% do. Since he is not currently infected, if someone kisses him and infects him (even in the absence of symptoms, an infected person can shed the virus about 20% of the time), he will begin to shed it from his mouth. My issue is that herpes type 1 can easily be passed to an uninfected person's genitals through oral sex, and it looks identical to 'classic' genital herpes type 2. It is now known that up to half of all genital herpes cases are caused by type 1, when a person with it on their mouth performs oral sex on a person who has never been infected. If he were newly infected, he would shed a ton of the virus, as opposed to if he had been infected for years, and his body was experienced in handling it.

I know that I have major anxiety issues with it, but I have been this way for about 10 years, and past counseling was unsuccessful. I do not want to have to worry about it, and this is why I didn't want him to get the blood test to begin with. I knew that I would worry regardless of the outcome.

Also, it's not like he's honest with me about the situation, which would be a million times better. He lies and tells me that it doesn't happen any more, and then when I point out that I saw it happen, he claims that he doesn't 'remember' it.
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 3, 2006
Messages
9,613
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

summerangel|1307212884|2937770 said:
Thanks for the advice.

Herpes type 1 (most often known for cold sores) is passed through simple kissing, and it is now approximated that 57% of all Americans have it. By old age, 80-90% do. Since he is not currently infected, if someone kisses him and infects him (even in the absence of symptoms, an infected person can shed the virus about 20% of the time), he will begin to shed it from his mouth. My issue is that herpes type 1 can easily be passed to an uninfected person's genitals through oral sex, and it looks identical to 'classic' genital herpes type 2. It is now known that up to half of all genital herpes cases are caused by type 1, when a person with it on their mouth performs oral sex on a person who has never been infected. If he were newly infected, he would shed a ton of the virus, as opposed to if he had been infected for years, and his body was experienced in handling it.
I know that I have major anxiety issues with it, but I have been this way for about 10 years, and past counseling was unsuccessful. I do not want to have to worry about it, and this is why I didn't want him to get the blood test to begin with. I knew that I would worry regardless of the outcome.

Also, it's not like he's honest with me about the situation, which would be a million times better. He lies and tells me that it doesn't happen any more, and then when I point out that I saw it happen, he claims that he doesn't 'remember' it.
And? As you say by old age 80-90% of Americans have it.

What do you think would happen if you were to contract it? Are you going to spend your entire life worrying that someone might kiss you or your future husband and give you HSV1? What about if you have children - are you never going to kiss them in case they have some virus or other?

I think you seriously need some therapy to deal with this.
 

iota15

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 19, 2010
Messages
1,278
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

If there's no trust left in the relationship, then leave. Being alone is better than feeling like you're always being lied to - or can't believe what the person is saying. Plus, it leaves you open to meeting someone you truly should be with.

I would suggest trying to meet another germophobe. He'll be cleaner and have a better understanding of your issues. Your current man obviously will never understand your more anxious tendencies. He also seems nowhere near ready - to deal with a fiance and household, or life. I can't imagine any full functioning adult allowing four feral animals to take over the better part of a house.
 

iota15

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 19, 2010
Messages
1,278
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

Also, if virtually everyone gets herpes at some point, then why worry about it. 80-90% of the population don't drop dead because of it. I didn't know the incidence rate was so high, but if it is, and people's bodies get used to it, then who cares?
 

iota15

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 19, 2010
Messages
1,278
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

Upon further thought - and I'm trying to see this from you bf's perspective - and I think you really need to get your anxieties under control. You're almost being controlling with your anxieties and your bf already seems very accomodating, with the exception of the filthy animals.

You're telling him how to raise, deal with the pets - which seems fair because he is far beyond ready to take care of them. But then, him putting his family above you? Effectively making him not attend grandma's 80th bday because of the trouble you caused following her 79th bday? Not allowing him to kiss relatives, which is obviously customary in his family?
 

swingirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2006
Messages
5,655
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

summerangel|1307204326|2937716 said:
After I moved out, I was still stressed about the animals, and also about his general messiness. He wanted to go to couples' counseling, but I wasn't sure. I posted on one of my forums about it, asking for advice. Then, I was on his computer one day, and I noticed that he had gone to my the forum website. I investigated, and found that he had created two fake names and was actually responding to my questions, trying to sway me to his point of view. When I confronted him, he denied it and made up so crazy story, until he knew that he was caught.

A few days later, he told me about another lie. He had told me that he had put my engagement ring on layaway, and that's why it took him so long to propose. He had previously told me that it was in his safety deposit box, and that he was waiting until the right moment. A couple of days later, I started asking questions, and he admitted that he had also sent it out-of-state so that he wouldn't have to pay tax on it. I specifically told him that I was not comfortable with that option when we were at the jewelry store. I know that he was excited to propose and that he wouldn't have been able to propose for another month otherwise, but he still went against my wishes, and he knew that it was important to me.

He swore that he would never lie again, and he has been going to individual counseling. We tried couples counseling, but I didn't like the counselor at all. The problem is that I feel like he lies all of the time now, and I don't know what to believe. Some of his stories are far-fetched, but I can't prove that he's not being truthful. Before, I always thought that he was honest, so I never questioned it.

He went and had it done anyway (which was a big step for him, because he is terrified of needles), thinking that it would make me happy. When I found out, I broke down crying and started hyperventilating. I was so scared that something would come back false positive or something (I do have anxiety disorders, and I decided that I definitely need to get back on medication). We were already fighting before I found out (I told him that I just wanted to be friends, but really I needed time to think, and he never seemed to take me seriously about the animals, mess, etc when I just complained, so I had to say that we were breaking up), and told him to leave my parents' house when he told me. We were text messaging each other, and he promised that he would email me the testing center that he used as soon as he got home, etc. It's so pathetic, but I didn't believe that he would give me the real results. Anyway, I woke up the next day, and he hadn't emailed me.

Also, the herpes 1 results mean nothing to me even though they came back negative, because his family members (when he does see them) kiss him on the lips. I told him that I have this irrational fear of diseases and that it makes me uncomfortable, so he assured me that only his grandmother does it, and that he would talk with her about stopping. He supposedly did, but I haven't seen her since, although he has gone up to visit her. Then, his aunt came to visit last summer, and when they said goodbye before she left, she kissed him right on the lips. He doesn't 'remember' it, and is 'surprised' that she would do it. It would be a whole other story if he told me the truth that it happened, or was just realistic with me, but he just tells me that the things that make me uncomfortable won't happen again, and then they do and I happen to see it, but he doesn't 'remember'.

I can't believe a word he says or a promise that he makes. He says that it was a lapse in judgment, etc. But he said that they would never come back in no matter what, and it only took 12 hours after we 'broke up'. I also don't know that they haven't been in before, even though he 'swears on his mother's soul' that they haven't. I don't ever drop in unannounced, so I honestly have no idea. I do know that we stopped in his house a couple of weeks ago and it reeked of dog and slightly of urine again, but he blamed the old dog (he was still there at that time, but he was wearing diapers and was confined to an uncarpeted area) and the other dogs' old beds, and then he threw the beds away. We also had to go to his house twice while we were in his city hanging out, because we were close by and I had to use the bathroom. He ran in quickly before me both times, because he apparently had my anniversary gifts out on the counter, but I wonder if he was really trying to sneak the dogs out.
There is a pattern here and you know it. He is a liar.
You need therapy for your issues. I don't think a diamond forum can help much.
 

dreamer_dachsie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
24,364
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

Your fears about herpes are unreasonable. Time to get into the therapists again and get some proper counselling to deal with your anxiety. It did not work in the past? Neither did my first diet ;)) Keep trying.
 

summerangel

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jun 3, 2011
Messages
3
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

iota15|1307219118|2937841 said:
Upon further thought - and I'm trying to see this from you bf's perspective - and I think you really need to get your anxieties under control. You're almost being controlling with your anxieties and your bf already seems very accomodating, with the exception of the filthy animals.

You're telling him how to raise, deal with the pets - which seems fair because he is far beyond ready to take care of them. But then, him putting his family above you? Effectively making him not attend grandma's 80th bday because of the trouble you caused following her 79th bday? Not allowing him to kiss relatives, which is obviously customary in his family?
I told him to go to the 80th birthday party. I tried to convince him to go. I tried to explain that the only reason that I was upset that he went last year was because he had promised to help me move out but then went there instead, at a seemingly random time. I just don't understand how it could have been so urgent that he had to suddenly go, when he had never gone there on her birthday before. This year he certainly should have gone, and I encouraged him to do so. The only other time that I asked him to not leave was when I was living with him and would be alone with the animals, and only because it was such a nightmare when he was away on that business trip. I didn't want a repeat of that. Luckily, no trips even came up during that time, except for the one business trip.

It's not that I don't allow him to kiss his relatives. I told him why it makes me uncomfortable, and he chose to say that he would not do it anymore. It's more the fact that he doesn't seem to be being honest about it that bothers me, not that he is doing it. If he told me that he still wanted to kiss them on the lips, it would definitely scare me and make me uncomfortable, but at least he wouldn't be lying to me.

He is very loving and perfect for me in so many ways. I just don't feel that he is always honest with me, and one of the biggest issues is certainly the animals.

I also do recognize that I need to be back on a medication, and I already have the samples that my doctor gave me. The only reason that I ever got off them was because of the horrible side effects that the last one caused. In any case, I am at the point where I do not feel that the side effects are as bad as how I am feeling right now.

I just spoke with him, since I was feeling totally calm and just ready to talk civilly. I told him that they are his dogs and he should be able to keep them if he wants, because I know that he loves them and probably also feels an obligation to take care of them, but also that I do think that he should reallytrain them if he does choose to keep them in his house. He still feels that it would be best to find new homes for them, and I agree, just because you are all right: he's not really ready to care for them.

I really do appreciate all of the advice. I just hope that we can both work on our issues and start feeling better.
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,038
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

summer, fear is a horrible feeling. I think you already know there are alternatives to letting fear control your life. Keep going to different therapists until you click with one. You seem like you love this guy a lot but there are issues you aren't sure you can get past. I wonder if those dogs represent his mom? If that is the case, it might be very difficult for him to get rid of them.
 

MonkeyPie

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 23, 2008
Messages
6,059
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

summerangel|1307204326|2937716 said:
I met my fiance two years ago, and we have a ton in common. We have similar personalities, we are introverts, and we enjoy the same kinds of things. We have the same political views, and we get along so well in so many ways. He treats me better than any guy that I have ever met has, in terms that he is a true romantic and that he surprises me all of the time, brings me flowers for no reason, thinks of the most thoughtful gifts, and puts up with all of my issues, etc.
Actually, he doesn't put up with your issues - he just placates you until he can do what he likes again. Your personalities clash pretty hardcore even with just what you told us, too. (He's a filthy slob, you're a neatfreak. He's a liar, you're honest to a fault. You're OCD, he pretty much seems to care about nothing.) And being bought flowers and being romantic means nothing if he can't handle the big issues.

Get GOOD counseling. And leave him until he does, too.
 

ilovethiswebsite

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 13, 2008
Messages
1,788
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

I think there are many issues worth highlighting here. First, those dogs are not being cared for properly - it's almost animal abuse. If your partner can't take care of these animals properly, then they should be given to SPCA. Dogs and cats are not meant to be left alone in a house running wild. They also can't be left outside all day, even with shelter.

It also sounds like both you and your partner have mental health issues. You have OCD, and he sounds like he may be depressed and/or take after his mother's poor cleanliness habits. Point is, you both need to seek intensive therapy, and you should probably be on medication as well if therapy alone has not proven helpful in the past.

OCD is a disease that affects the way your brain processes information. It perceives threat in the world that does not exist, and makes you do things or worry about things in order to "control" events around you. Your brain has tricked itself in to thinking that acting or behaving a certain way will prevent something from happening, but it won't. It's a chemical imbalance - and medication and therapy can help you tremendously. If you left your anxiety run wild, it will spread like wildfire, and effect every aspect of your life. You need to get it under control, and tell the OCD to take a hike....

As for worrying about herpes, some people are immune already. In fact, you may have already caught herpes when you were a child and are immune. If you aren't - and do catch it - what's the worst that can happen? You won't die from it. You will probably have to deal with a few outbreaks for a few years until your body becomes immune to it as well. Also, the chances of you catching herpes from “shedding” when someone isn’t having an outbreak (i.e. you can’t see sores on their mouth) are very very very slim. Your highest chances are catching it when you see someone has a sore.

In any case, I think being with someone else who has mental health issues is only going to exasperate your symptoms. You need to be alone right now and focus on yourself, and getting better. Only then will you be able to be in a healthy relationship with someone. You also need to work on your introversion. Finding and asking for advice online ONLY is not going to be very helpful. This is another reason long-term counseling can help.

Sometimes it's hard to see how our actions are irrational when we have a mental illness and/or are with someone who has one. I think once you remove yourself from this situation you will be able to see things much more clearly. At the end of the day, the things you are posting about here are not critical life difficulties that you need to spend so much time worrying about. Life is too short to spend so much time worrying about these things. If you waste so much time worrying all the time, you won't ever be happy… And everyone deserves happiness.
 

Circe

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Apr 26, 2007
Messages
8,087
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

Yet another vote for therapy - it sounds like you're both very unhappy for different reasons right now, and therapy would help A LOT. Aside from that, I don't think ANYTHING anyone says on this forum is going to make a major difference, because OCD and depression aren't generally susceptible to logic.

That said ... while I don't know if this is something that will comfort you, herpes type I isn't something a healthy adult will catch from a peck on the lips, probably not even during an outbreak. Small children can, because their immune systems are weak, but a grown-up would need considerably more contact. I say this as someone who did get herpes type 1 as a small child from a careless adult, and who's never transmitted it to a single other person - if I'm having an outbreak, I just make sure not to kiss or share drinking glasses with anybody, and it's fine. Happily married for 4 years, and my husband still hasn't contracted it. So, please - get therapy, and in the meantime (by "meantime," I am saying "the hopefully less than a week until you can schedule an appointment), please try not to hyperfocus. I know "try" is the wrong word, as the disease is hard to argue with ... but for your own sake, if you feel the cycle starting, try to distract yourself.
 

NewEnglandLady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2007
Messages
6,299
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

I hate to piggyback on what everybody else is saying, but I definitely think you need to seek help for your OCD. My husband has moderate OCD (he is also hypochondriacal and has issues with contamination)--I believe it took four psychiatrists before he found one he liked. It takes time, but it's a treatable disorder and I know you will be so much happier if you stick with treatment.

Your boyfriend definitely needs to seek individual counseling as well. His mother's death is obviously a major source of depression for him. The situation with the dogs is very unfortunate--it's not fair to them to keep the status quo.

I hate to be a downer, but right now the chances of you having a healthy relationship are 0. Not to say that at some point you couldn't have one, but individually you're both in an unhealthy place. I hope you both seek therapy, it is an underutilized tool, IMO.
 

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
3,689
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

Ditto everyone! Take a break from the relationhip and both of you need to seek out therapy individually.

The way things are now you are both operating dysfunctioanlly and it's feeding the cycle. It's feeding your OCD and its feeding his pattern of panicked reactions of trying to do/say anything to try to keep you happy - but only on the surface (ie lies). He doeesnt appear to really have the skill set to actually address anything or maybe he is in a depresssed state.

The fear of STD thing is definitely unreasonable and becomng all consuming, I hope therapy can work through that.

I hope you keep us posted, try to keep things simple - one step at a time.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

You need to get into counseling, post haste. There is just to much going on, and I think you're sincerely focusing on the wrong things.
 

amc80

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 18, 2010
Messages
5,765
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

Wow. I think you've gotten some really good advice on here already. If therapy hasn't worked in the past perhaps you need to find a better therapist. I really don't think you have any business being in a relationship with anyone until you get your issues under control. I'm not even going to talk about him because I don't think it's relevent. You may be perfect for each other (even though I clearly think that's not the case), but unless YOU are healthy it doesn't matter.

And there are a lot of introverted people out there...that isn't enough to make someone a good match. In fact, I would think you'd do better with someone who was, if not an extrovert, at least a little more towards the center of the spectrum. Someone with friends. Someone who would want to do things other than just hang out with you, 1 on 1, ALL the time.
 

Amber St. Clare

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 15, 2009
Messages
1,628
Re: Major problems with (ex?) fiance. Please give your advi

Please, please keep going to therapy until you find someone with whom you find rapport. You have real issues which need to be addressed before you can even begin to consider planning a life with someone.

And when you do begin to consider planning a life with someone else, don't pick someone who is a liar. There are great guys out there who are looking for healthy women with no agendas.

I wish you luck on your journey.
 
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