TravelingGal
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2004
- Messages
- 17,193
I pretty much agree. I think that at any given point in time in a relationship, one person typically loves the other more. It's kind of like push and pull, wax and wane. It's up and down. I think I read something as well to that effect, that it's never equal. Doesn't mean that one person ALWAYS loves the other more, it's more like 'you can't have both loving each other equally as intensely at the same time'. Which is interesting. If I look back through my relationship with Greg...I think I can see the rises and dips.Date: 1/2/2007 4:16:49 PM
Author:TravelingGal
I read this the other day...states that in a relationship, love is never equal. Someone ALWAYS loves more.
Do you agree with this? And if so...in your relationship (past or present), if you were to really take a hard look, who loves whom more?
I agree with both of you ladies. I see it as "ebb and flow." You've pretty much said the same thing in a different way.Date: 1/2/2007 4:23:39 PM
Author: decodelighted
Hey TG ... interesting question. I know I've read & heard 'advice for women' along the lines of 'make sure you marry someone who loves you MORE than you love him' ... advice HOTLY debated among feminists & romantics & anyone with an opinion I'm sure!![]()
Personally ... I'd guess than in most long-term successful relationships the degree of love/ balance of love swings back & forth over time like a pendulum.
One quote I heard went something like this 'We never fell OUT of love with each other at the SAME time'.![]()
Yeah...if you are with someone who adores you that you don''t adore, it feels smothering and annoying. I agree that we are all taking about good, healthy relationships where both love one another. It''s just that "little bit more" concept that I am interested in. And if you are the one who loves more...do you ever feel vulnerable? (although I think it would take loving someone a LOT more to feel that way)...Date: 1/2/2007 4:35:55 PM
Author: Mara
This reminds me of that song...
''Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you....or are you going back to the one you love?''
Of course the ideal scenario is you both love each other. I always thought I''d rather be with someone who adored me, than be with someone who I loved who didn''t adore me...but I found that wasn''t the case. I didn''t want to settle.
Congrats to your parents!!!Date: 1/2/2007 4:39:16 PM
Author: Girlrocks
I can speak from my personal experience that yes, I agree that your love for someone goes up and down. There have been times in my 8 year marriage that I've thought, God, it can't get any better than this, and then a few months later, I WANT TO KILL HIM, literally!I love the quote that some one else mentioned...it was a famous person, married for a long time, when asked what the secret to a long marriage was, the response was 'we never fell out of love with one another at the same time'. My parents are going to celebrate their 50th anniversary next September (they got married at 17 & 1![]()
and I'm sure that there were times during their marriage when either of them was ready to throw in the towel, luckily, just not both at the same time. I think it's good that your love goes up and down...I think the person that is 'up' at the time can carry the load while their partner is 'down', and vice versa (does that make any sense??).
haha...I think you should have left the question mark (you must know my parents, by the way!!)Date: 1/2/2007 4:42:45 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Congrats to your parents!!!Date: 1/2/2007 4:39:16 PM
Author: Girlrocks
I can speak from my personal experience that yes, I agree that your love for someone goes up and down. There have been times in my 8 year marriage that I've thought, God, it can't get any better than this, and then a few months later, I WANT TO KILL HIM, literally!I love the quote that some one else mentioned...it was a famous person, married for a long time, when asked what the secret to a long marriage was, the response was 'we never fell out of love with one another at the same time'. My parents are going to celebrate their 50th anniversary next September (they got married at 17 & 1![]()
and I'm sure that there were times during their marriage when either of them was ready to throw in the towel, luckily, just not both at the same time. I think it's good that your love goes up and down...I think the person that is 'up' at the time can carry the load while their partner is 'down', and vice versa (does that make any sense??).
I like that quote too. But I think it applies to *feelings*. There are times where I am so 'in love' with him, and other times I am not so much. What what about that deep, core love? I know it's hard to separate that from feeling in love, but I wonder at the root, if someone can actually love someone more....period...and if that is a healthy thing.
ETA edited to make it a exclamation mark on the end of 'parents' instead of the question mark I originally typed. Lol...
That''s interesting that you read something like that in a magazine article. When TGuy and I first became serious, he kept saying that relationships should be 50/50...equal and even. That concept kind of bothered me, and I told me it should be 100/100. That way on days you can''t give 100 percent, you would still be "overlapping" because if you are only targeting 50%, if both people have a crap day and you only give 30% each, you''re not even meeting halfway in the middle. While it may be idealistic, this concept has worked for us. Some days he only gives me 40%, but my 70% gets us to "meet".Date: 1/2/2007 5:12:21 PM
Author: rainbowtrout
One thing I always try to keep in mind that I read somewhere (probably a woman''s magazine?) was ''try to give to where you feel like you are sacrificing/giving about 60 percent, and you''ll be hitting about even'' So if both people try to give a little more than they think is equal, it should all be fine.
I think my husband loves me more... but I can only say that if I''m really frank because I want to believe I love him more. We love each other in different ways... we''ve known each other since we were 5 and 3 and we satisfy different things in each other. I think he works harder to make/keep me happy and I am grateful for that, but he''s not very intuitive. He''s a very hard worker, very down to earth - but not a lot of spark. I think I have enough spark for several people and I know that''s part of what he loves about me... I wish he had a bit more. He has the most when we''re alone or with the kids - he is like another person. Others, especially coworkers, are often surprised at how different he is. He''s one of the most compartmentalized people I know. He makes NO effort to form or keep friendships - I''m his best friend and all he believes he needs, besides the kids and his family. I on the other hand end up with the task of staying in touch with everyone... which is good in that I get to choose our friends, but I haven''t had as much time or inclination to work on that since we''ve had 3 kids and I''ve been at home... I wish he''d take some of it on himself but it isn''t really him... anyway I say that he loves me more because he''s created his life in such a way that I am his only friend, his best friend, his lover, his everything. (he wishes I was his housecleaner too but he can''t have it *all* right? haha) but in other ways I''m more dependent on him, and I do love him dearly and passionately and adoringly... but there are a lot of things I get from (or share with) others that he only gets from me.Date: 1/2/2007 4:16:49 PM
Author:TravelingGal
I read this the other day...states that in a relationship, love is never equal. Someone ALWAYS loves more.
Do you agree with this? And if so...in your relationship (past or present), if you were to really take a hard look, who loves whom more?
I think my dh does feel vulnerable more than I do. He isn''t jealous - it isn''t anything like that... it''s just that he has so much riding on just me that if I were to die or something his whole world would collapse.... where as if he died my heart would collapse but I''d be able to love again. Ugh, I hate even thinking about this... hey he just got home so I''m gonna stop talking about this lol!Date: 1/2/2007 4:40:14 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Yeah...if you are with someone who adores you that you don''t adore, it feels smothering and annoying. I agree that we are all taking about good, healthy relationships where both love one another. It''s just that ''little bit more'' concept that I am interested in. And if you are the one who loves more...do you ever feel vulnerable? (although I think it would take loving someone a LOT more to feel that way)...
Weird, that's how my guy and I are to each other. We are really the only people we really trust in each other's immediate lives. Our parents can't be counted on (his dad passed away when he was young, my dad divorced my mom long ago and we have no contact), no other relatives that are close, no true siblings, no best friends aside from each other.Date: 1/2/2007 8:27:44 PM
Author: Cehrabehra
I think my husband loves me more... but I can only say that if I'm really frank because I want to believe I love him more. We love each other in different ways... we've known each other since we were 5 and 3 and we satisfy different things in each other. I think he works harder to make/keep me happy and I am grateful for that, but he's not very intuitive. He's a very hard worker, very down to earth - but not a lot of spark. I think I have enough spark for several people and I know that's part of what he loves about me... I wish he had a bit more. He has the most when we're alone or with the kids - he is like another person. Others, especially coworkers, are often surprised at how different he is. He's one of the most compartmentalized people I know. He makes NO effort to form or keep friendships - I'm his best friend and all he believes he needs, besides the kids and his family. I on the other hand end up with the task of staying in touch with everyone... which is good in that I get to choose our friends, but I haven't had as much time or inclination to work on that since we've had 3 kids and I've been at home... I wish he'd take some of it on himself but it isn't really him... anyway I say that he loves me more because he's created his life in such a way that I am his only friend, his best friend, his lover, his everything. (he wishes I was his housecleaner too but he can't have it *all* right? haha) but in other ways I'm more dependent on him, and I do love him dearly and passionately and adoringly... but there are a lot of things I get from (or share with) others that he only gets from me.Date: 1/2/2007 4:16:49 PM
Author:TravelingGal
I read this the other day...states that in a relationship, love is never equal. Someone ALWAYS loves more.
Do you agree with this? And if so...in your relationship (past or present), if you were to really take a hard look, who loves whom more?
With us, I have friend and he has family. My mom died 7 years ago and so all I have are my dad and brother who is 14 and step mother - but while we''re on good terms, we don''t talk frequently... it''s like aunts and cousins or something... anyway I do have two best girlfriends - of course one lives 1000 miles away and the other 3000 miles away ::sob:: but we email and talk every day - TG for free long distance!! And I have several buddies here that we all consider each other ''friends'' but they can''t touch the 2 ''real'' friends I have. DH''s family - he has 2 sisters, a brother, his parents married for 38 years, 11 grandkids including our 3 and they''re all strangely close - fiercely loyal and spend their time together (we don''t, we live 20 hour drive away) but they don''t share a lot with each other - its weird... they all share with me ''cause people just tend to do that wtih me in person... but... well anyway, we have his family and my friends. I''m sure if anything happened to me he would run to them. His sister and I went to kindergarten together and have been friends for years - sometimes she introductes me as her friend and then introduces her brother as my husband LOL! I have a hard time imagining giving myself right now while I''m in love with my husband... but given the right situation I could see myself finding another man deserving.Date: 1/3/2007 9:44:23 AM
Author: Hopes
Weird, that''s how my guy and I are to each other. We are really the only people we really trust in each other''s immediate lives. Our parents can''t be counted on (his dad passed away when he was young, my dad divorced my mom long ago and we have no contact), no other relatives that are close, no true siblings, no best friends aside from each other.
I suppose I can see it as being rather unhealthy since I don''t even have female friends that are close enough I can call on them to be bridesmaids at my wedding. We do pretty much everything together, and we have the same hobbies/beliefs, even work near each other so we go to work, eat lunch and come home together almost daily. That kind of co-dependency can really break down if something totally tragic happens to one of us, but I try not to think about that.
I think I''ve grown past the point where I''d be totally at a loss as to what to do if I was completely alone again, but I don''t think I''d find someone else who gives me all of himself, quite like my guy does... guess I''m extremely spoiled in that way! I also don''t think I could really give myself wholly to anyone else either, because I wouldn''t find them deserving of that. Definitely agree with TravelingGal on this point: ''I think women need to know they are loved...a lot.''