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Lost and confused and in need of advice

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Treasure43

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
655
BF and I are living together in an apt. and he is planning a proposal before the end of summer. We''ve looked at rings and found a beautiful one we both adore. Problem is, I feel terribly guilty letting him spend that much money on a piece of jewelery. We both have a LOT of student loans to pay off. Eventually we want a house and children. He''s an accountant and will be moving up to his dad''s position of head CFO, which has great earning potential. Getting started is the tough part. I''m working at a private school, which doesn''t pay nearly as well as a public school and like I said, we have a lot of loans. We talked about getting me a cheaper ring but ultimatly he said he knows I''m in love with the ring we picked out and wants to get me what I deserve. We''ve talked about not getting married until June of 2011 because my parents won''t be able to help much and we''ll be paying for most everything ourself. I''m not thinking we need a big wedding but there are some things I would like (ie: nice dress, photographer, etc).

I''m feeling guilty for wanting the things that I want and I''m not quite sure how to deal with my feelings. My BF listens and is great and tells me that I deserve everything I want and we''ll work together to come up with a plan for how we can achieve everything we want. I just feel frustraed with myself. WHY is that ring I''ve fallen in love with so important? When do I want a honeymoon and a beautiful white dress? I feel so materialistic and I hate this feeling.

Any advice? Feel free to be brutally honest and those who have already been through this process, how did you get through it?
 

Haven

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 15, 2007
Messages
13,166
Honey, it''s natural to want to own beautiful things and wear a beautiful dress and go on a beautiful honeymoon. I don''t think you should feel guilty about *wanting* these things at all.

Now that I''ve said that, I do think there is a difference between *wanting* a beautiful ring and allowing or encouraging your SO to purchase a beautiful ring that he (or the two of you) cannot afford. Has he saved enough to pay cash for this ring, and you''re just feeling guilty because that money could have gone to pay your student loans? OR will he be financing this ring, thus adding it to your debt as a couple?

If he''s planning on financing, what about saving up for your ring and purchasing it at a later date? It sounds like you two will be engaged for quite a while--is there any way he could propose with a stand-in ring right now, you could save up for your dream ring, and purchase it when you two can afford it?

It''s great that you''re going to come up with a financial plan together, and perhaps the ring can be a part of your plan. I think the biggest key to securing your financial situation is living within your means, which means you only purchase things that you can afford right now, and you save up for things you can''t afford right now, and only buy them when you can. It is sometimes a tough thing to do, especially if you live in a country where credit opportunities abound and most people live far beyond their means, but it can be done.

When we got engaged, DH paid cash for my entire ring. If he had had less money saved up for the ring, I would have gotten a different ring that fit *that* budget. But that is just us, and we don''t believe in financing things except for homes and tuition.

Perhaps you guys should sit down and create a savings plan for all wedding-related things right now. If you''re really honest with yourselves about what you have and what you can save, then you''ll know exactly what you can start planning for in terms of your ring, dress, honeymoon, etc.

Good luck. You''ll be fine. In a few short years you will be married to the man you love, and this ring angst will be a distant memory.
 

Definitely. Maybe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 12, 2009
Messages
582
I don't think wanting a 'nice dress' and photographer, etc are being materialistic. Your FF seems like a wonderful man and seems to want all of your dreams to come true. Just go with that. Everything will come together in the end. Try focusing on what you can do in the moment (saving or buying things for the wedding) and not what the end result will amount to (total cost of the wedding).

Many brides dream of this day their whole lives and picture it a certain way with certain things... unless you are reaching FARRRRR beyond your means, and it doesn't sound like you are, then don't worry about being materialistic.


ditto Haven- great advice.
 

Treasure43

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
655
I believe he''s planning on putting half of it down and putting the rest of it down the next month or so. He''s an accountant and has it all planned out I believe and wants to put at least half, or more of it down and then pay off the rest. He has trouble with big purchases, always has. I do feel guilty about him shelling out that money and it not going towards our loans. However, the idea of a stand in ring doesn''t sit well with him.
 

Treasure43

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
655
Forgot to mention that the intrest is 0% and he plans to pay it off in a few months. Which would leave us almost two years to save for a wedding. I don''t need a big wedding but I would like to have a small wedding and a romantic honeymoon.
 

ilovesparkles

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 13, 2006
Messages
2,389
I''m on the opposite side of this situation, kind of... I have always dreamed of a really nice ring in the 5-6K range. We will be lucky to be able to afford a wedding costing that much right now let alone a ring. H has a very strict budget for the ring so I have had to seriously reconsider, and get something small and simple. I got really upset over it one night and cried about it, felt horribly selfish, but didn''t change what I wanted. H of course feels like anything he gives me should be good enough because its not the ring but us being engaged that counts. We talked promise rings, financing it, all of it. But the bottom line is, we have to stick with the budget without any room for indulgence.

Well, some days I get sad about it but most days now, I am ok with it and really excited to be looking at sapphires. The short of it is, I wanted something more expensive and wish he would wait and save up for it. I have made him feel kinda bad about wanting more than he can afford. You want something less and feel bad he wants to spend more. I don''t think you should feel guilty for wanting this dream ring. Just make sure you two are doing what is best financially.
 

Treasure43

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
655
Date: 4/11/2009 5:05:30 PM
Author: ilovesparkles
I''m on the opposite side of this situation, kind of... I have always dreamed of a really nice ring in the 5-6K range. We will be lucky to be able to afford a wedding costing that much right now let alone a ring. H has a very strict budget for the ring so I have had to seriously reconsider, and get something small and simple. I got really upset over it one night and cried about it, felt horribly selfish, but didn''t change what I wanted. H of course feels like anything he gives me should be good enough because its not the ring but us being engaged that counts. We talked promise rings, financing it, all of it. But the bottom line is, we have to stick with the budget without any room for indulgence.

Well, some days I get sad about it but most days now, I am ok with it and really excited to be looking at sapphires. The short of it is, I wanted something more expensive and wish he would wait and save up for it. I have made him feel kinda bad about wanting more than he can afford. You want something less and feel bad he wants to spend more. I don''t think you should feel guilty for wanting this dream ring. Just make sure you two are doing what is best financially.
He''s very money savvy and I feel like he wouldn''t buy the ring if he knew it would mess us up financially. I just feel guilty because the ring is like 7K.
 

girlie-girl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 29, 2008
Messages
819
Date: 4/11/2009 10:48:56 AM
Author:Treasure43
BF and I are living together in an apt. and he is planning a proposal before the end of summer. We''ve looked at rings and found a beautiful one we both adore. Problem is, I feel terribly guilty letting him spend that much money on a piece of jewelery. We both have a LOT of student loans to pay off. Eventually we want a house and children. He''s an accountant and will be moving up to his dad''s position of head CFO, which has great earning potential. Getting started is the tough part. I''m working at a private school, which doesn''t pay nearly as well as a public school and like I said, we have a lot of loans. We talked about getting me a cheaper ring but ultimatly he said he knows I''m in love with the ring we picked out and wants to get me what I deserve. We''ve talked about not getting married until June of 2011 because my parents won''t be able to help much and we''ll be paying for most everything ourself. I''m not thinking we need a big wedding but there are some things I would like (ie: nice dress, photographer, etc).

I''m feeling guilty for wanting the things that I want and I''m not quite sure how to deal with my feelings. My BF listens and is great and tells me that I deserve everything I want and we''ll work together to come up with a plan for how we can achieve everything we want. I just feel frustraed with myself. WHY is that ring I''ve fallen in love with so important? When do I want a honeymoon and a beautiful white dress? I feel so materialistic and I hate this feeling.

Any advice? Feel free to be brutally honest and those who have already been through this process, how did you get through it?
I think the highlighted bit says a lot. Couple that with the fact that your BF is an accountant and has his budget laid out etc., I''d trust in him that with some planning, you can afford the ring you both adore.

I''d personally trim down the honeymoon expectations before I''d try to find a different ring, but that''s just me. I don''t know what this ring looks like, but $7,000 doesn''t seem too unreasonable. The ring is something that would be enjoyed for quite a long time, whereas a honeymoon will be over in a week or so (not to say the memories wouldn''t carry forward) and could cost as much depending on where you went etc.

Perhaps in order to make yourself feel more comfortable, some of your desires could be ''moved'' here or there in order to get the best of everything (if that makes sense lol)!
 

megumic

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 8, 2009
Messages
1,647
Treasure - I have to say - I''m in a similar predicament and I think it''s common when the ladies are a part of the ring selection process. I''m thankful that I am so we can choose something we both like, but it''s tough when it comes to the financial aspect. But I also have to say, financial matters are one of the top reasons couples fight and have difficulties. Be open, honest and blunt with your SO right now at this first major purchase so you''re on the same page forever and ever!

I''m currently in law school, taking out HUGE loans and will have more than $100k in loans once I''m done. We have no other debt, but also would like a house and family soon. It''s tough to imagine spending a ton on a ring and wedding, but at the same time it is such an important milestone and step to take. For us, we''d prefer to wait on the house and face the big loans in due time and focus on the moment of our pending engagement and wedding.

We discussed the idea of an upgrade down the road, but since we have the cash now (as well as 8-months of savings as a cushion), we have decided to go all in and get the ring I want so it''s mine forever. But truly, it is a personal choice and I think it takes some serious thought and rough feelings. Don''t feel guilty for wanting the ring of your dreams, but I think patience and planning is key to removing that guilt.

I sometimes pretend I''m the caller on Suze Orman''s segments "Can I afford it?" Looking at your whole financial situation, including what your FICO scores are, loans, debt, 8-month emergency savings, etc. Can you afford it?

Good luck - I wish you the best!
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,365
Date: 4/12/2009 1:12:16 PM
Author: girlie-girl
your BF is an accountant and has his budget laid out etc., I''d trust in him that with some planning, you can afford the ring you both adore.


I''d personally trim down the honeymoon expectations before I''d try to find a different ring, but that''s just me. I don''t know what this ring looks like, but $7,000 doesn''t seem too unreasonable. The ring is something that would be enjoyed for quite a long time, whereas a honeymoon will be over in a week or so (not to say the memories wouldn''t carry forward) and could cost as much depending on where you went etc.


Perhaps in order to make yourself feel more comfortable, some of your desires could be ''moved'' here or there in order to get the best of everything (if that makes sense lol)!
I thought this was great advice. I compromised very heavily n my original e-ring (to the tune of... quite a bit less than $1000 AUS ... I felt embarrassed that I wanted a more expensive ring, but my husband had very little idea of the cost of engagement rings (didn''t come shopping with me), and said that my initial $6000 AU quote was too expensive. He also said my $2000 was ''too expensive''. At the time we were just starting our business, and we weren''t actually earning much money.

However, we both love travelling, and my DH was determined to give us the best honey moon ever. We spent 6 weeks abroad, in Burma, Singapore and Thailand (DH had never been to Asia before, I had never been to those specific countries...). We went diving, took private tours and basically had a fab time...

I never actually clarified how I felt about his budget for my ring, like you I felt damn embarrassed about even wanting something as expensive as I initially did. I had never been brought up to be a ''princess'' in any way, the girlie stuff and the whole ''you deserve it'' routine just never got a look-in at my place (father was a cattle farmer
)

And of course at the time of the engagement / wedding the MIL thinks I''m just the spoiltest girl ever for getting a white, church wedding and any kind of ring at all. And not to mention the honeymoon!!!!

But a couple of years into the marriage, I started to regret that I hadn''t been more upfront about my preferences for the wedding costs. I felt that my man had his big honeymoon, but my ring, which I wear every day until I die, had been compromised in the process.

I have just recently upgraded my e-ring, and I feel happy that I have done so. I have a solitaire now. I feel validated in a way that I feel I was not before.

I think you should not feel too badly about receiving the ring which you desire. Of course, I think it is important to be considerate of others, and it is probably better for your social life not to be too competitive in general when it comes to conspicuous consumption as well!

One thing: I''m not sure thought that spending a lot of money on the ring really honestly prevents the style boredom that comes in from wearing a ring constantly for years and years on end.
The best thing about upgrading on my fifth anni is that I got to keep my original ring, as a back-up, or for travelling etc, and also I had plenty of time to really think about what it is I wanted in an engagement ring. I didn''t go back and get the tension set which originally was on my dial!

When you are engaged, and planning a wedding, it is very difficult to ''get clear'' on what it is you actually want. You feel pushed for time, and uncertain about so many things... just go easy on yourself, look at your priorities clearly and remember, there''s always tomorrow for the ring (not so much for the white dress!)
 

musey

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
Messages
11,242
Well, I was gonna post and then I saw that Haven went and said everything I was thinking. So I'll just go ahead and ditto Haven, as I so often do
 

swingirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2006
Messages
5,655
Why don''t you post your budget and a photo of what you are loving and maybe someone on PS can find you a less expensive version?
 

Treasure43

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2009
Messages
655
Thanks for all the advice everyone! I think the financial stress just got to me a bit and made me feel guilty for wanting the things that I want. As for a wedding, I''m still deciding what I want. However I know what I want in terms of the ring and honeymoon. FF and I agree that we''d take a trip to the Bahamas for a week and have it be nice but not extravagent. As for the ring, we''ve talked about it a bit more and he''s said he''ll go over his finances more throughly just to make sure he can afford it. We''re also going to talk to his parents (who payed for his sister''s wedding a year or so ago) and get some budgeting ideas from them. We both want a wedding of some sort, intimate and romantic, however it will be just us paying for it so that''s something that has to be taken into consideration. I know his parents and my parents are going to want to invite a LOT of people, but we may have to trim the guest list a bit, as we are paying for it.

I initinally felt guilty for wanting the ring that I want but it will be something that I''ll be wearing fo the rest of my life. I think the student loans are what is really eating at us. Saving up for a ring, a wedding, a house, AND trying to pay off our loans is a bit stressful (to say the least!)
 
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