Lopsided guest list

[zoebartlett]

My mom just e-mailed me her latest thoughts on our side of the guest list. It''s at 95 people right now. My FI''s side, on the other hand, is only at 35 people. Hmmm, does anyone else see this as awkward?

My family knows too many darn people! My FI''s parents are leaving everything totally up to him (and me) -- they don''t seem to want to add to their side at all. My FI comes from a large family (several aunts, uncles, and cousins on both his mom''s and his dad''s side), but my FI doesn''t really know them all. He doesn''t want to add them just to make his side of the guest list bigger.

I''m feeling very uncomfortable about the uneveness but my mom pointed out that A) my FI and his parents are more than welcome to add anyone they want, and if they choose not to add anyone, that''s their decision, and B) my parents are paying for the reception and they''re not going to feel uncomfortable about adding anyone.

Did you are are you dealing with this?

 

[larussel03]

We are actually in the exact same situation -- we have at least 2x more people on my family''s list as FI''s--and he has a larger family, but like your FI doesn''t know them all well and his parents left the inviting up to him because they didn''t mind us not inviting people that he doesn''t know well.

I don''t think it''s terribly awkward though, as long as everyone is ok with who they''re inviting, then everyone should be happy : )

 

[peridot83]

If your FI feels it''s awkward...do you guyz have enough common friends to put them all on his side? I imagine if you told the groomsmen/bridesmaids close friends to spread the word, any comon friends could all sit on your FI''s side for the ceremony.

For me, this works I don''t really care about sides in terms of allegiance as long as my close friends/family are there who cares where they sit? And it helps for the wedding video or pictures, so it doesn''t look like there were tumbleweeds rolling around on one side of the aisle =P

 

[Independent Gal]

We're also in this situation, and its magnified by the fact that Wedding Part 1 will be OVERWHELMINGLY FI's people and vice versa for WP2. But WP2 will be twice the size of WP1. It's partly because I've got dad's side and mom's side, which sort of doubles 'my side'. Also I'm inviting more friends than he is because, well, I have more close friends. I think he's inviting about 8 (plus partners), and I'm inviting about 13 (plus partners).

The thing is, everyone is using the same rule to decide on their list. Anyone is invited to the wedding whom we can honestly say we deeply care for and who deeply cares for us - anyone who 'wouldn't miss it for the world!' or whom we'd be very very sad not to have there. FI could invite more, it's just that there aren't more he'd really LIKE to invite. Then there are a few obligations invites, like CRAZY AUNT F!

My family is larger than his. And many of his parents' (mom is late 60's, dad mid 70's) friends and siblings, sadly, have died recently. (much too young! in their early 70's!). He's not close with his cousins and not interested in having them there.

But it's not awkward, cause everyone used the same rule to make their list. I just wish his friends could mix with my friends at the same party! Some of them would so SERIOUSLY hit it off. But still, we're glad no one will have to pay a fortune to come. And they are all welcome to go to both if they want.

 

[zoebartlett]

My FI says he doesn''t see this as being awkward and he doesn''t really care. He says that he knows my side has more people on it and he''s fine with it, but he knows it bothers me. He knows that my family is way more social than his side, so it would make sense for mine to have more people. As far as friends go, we actually don''t have any common friends. Mostly, we hang out with my friends and their husbands. I know it shouldn''t matter who has how many people and where they sit. I know it''s not really about the numbers but that our close friends and family are there to support us and celebrate in the day. It still bugs me though.

 

[april diamonds]

I am absolutely in this situation but we don''t have a problem with it at all. Our wedding here in NY will be 99 percent my family and friends because they are all here in NY/US. My FI''s family is entirely in Taiwan. So only his immediate family and a handful of aunts and cousins will be attending. So, that''s about 15 ppl (out of 200!!)

Of course anyone who wants to fly in from Taiwan is ABOSOLUTELY welcome, however FI''s parents said they''d rather not pressure them to come such a long distance since most are not really in a place to do so.

Also though, FI and I are fortunate enough to be able to have our wedding here AND a reception in Taiwan for all of his family. Over there it will the opposite, only my immediate family and the rest his.

It sounds to me like your FI''s family is comfortable with not having an even number of guests, and your familiy have been very welcoming in terms of adding people ot the guest list. So I think everything should be just fine!

As a side note, my sister''s wedding was the same way. Our family guest list was about 75% and my BIL''s guest list was the rest and they did NOT have another reception. All turned out fine!

 

[Pandora II]

We both have quite big families, and fortunately we have mainly "our" friends which makes things easier.

My parents - who are paying - have added about 20 people to the list, but they are all people I have known for years and are all good fun and will add to the atmosphere of the day in a good way.

I felt a bit bad that we didn''t have enough space to allow FI''s parents to bring anyone other than their new partners, but certainly FI''s mother doesn''t seem worried at all. Also FI doesn''t have a very close relationship with his parents and so wouldn''t know any of their friends, whereas I am very close to mine and having spent 2 years living at home in my 30''s when I was very ill I have seen a lot of their friends and some of them were wonderful to me during that time.

I''m not really bothered about who sits where during the ceremony - obviously his immediate family will sit one side and mine the other, but everyone else can sit where they want.

I wouldn''t worry too much - as long as no-one feels they have been left out (and it seems your FILs don''t feel that way) then don''t feel bad.

 

[monarch64]

Our wedding was lopsided as well...I didn''t get married in my hometown so a lot of my relatives and friends from back home couldn''t come. It really wasn''t an issue, though, in the end. We seated people evenly on either side of the aisle and the weather was beautiful for our outdoor ceremony/on-site reception so everyone mingled and things were fine.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

DH had less people on his side too (some of it was due to location). We did not to the traditional bride side/groom side so it was not really an issue. People just sat where they wanted.

 

[Sabine]

We are in the same situation only opposite. Out of the 200 people we''re inviting, only about 30 are from my side of the family or friends of my parents. I''m not really worried about it though because 1. my family is smaller than his, so it makes sense they will have more, and 2. although I do have more family members that I could invite, I would be including people I haven''t seen since I was born, really don''t know, and don''t really care about having at my wedding. I agree with everyone else that what really matters is having the people who mean something to you there for your big day.

Any idea why this is still bothering you even though your logic tells you it shouldn''t? Is it because you are worried his family will regret not inviting members that they could? If they are anything like my family, if your future inlaws aren''t immediately interested in inviting them, you are probably better off.

 

[sumbride]

I''m totally in this situation. In fact, our wedding is 90% "my side" and 10% "his/our side"

And we''re ok with it. mostly.

FI''s mom invited NOBODY. Zero. Zip. Nada guests. And we still don''t understand why. FI is rather hurt by this.

We invited most of his relatives and all of OUR friends. The relatives we didn''t invite are people that FMIL wouldn''t be able to "tolerate". Of course, she did call us last night and tell him we should have invited his aunt, the nun, who she hates and who can''t afford to come (vow of poverty anyone?) unless WE pay for it. Not FMIL. US. We''re not.

My mom invited EVERYBODY else. EVERYBODY she''s ever met, basically.

We''re putting the family on the appropriate sides and then splitting everyone else up evenly.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 8/27/2007 11:16:39 AM
Author: Sabine
We are in the same situation only opposite. Out of the 200 people we''re inviting, only about 30 are from my side of the family or friends of my parents. I''m not really worried about it though because 1. my family is smaller than his, so it makes sense they will have more, and 2. although I do have more family members that I could invite, I would be including people I haven''t seen since I was born, really don''t know, and don''t really care about having at my wedding. I agree with everyone else that what really matters is having the people who mean something to you there for your big day.

Any idea why this is still bothering you even though your logic tells you it shouldn''t? Is it because you are worried his family will regret not inviting members that they could? If they are anything like my family, if your future inlaws aren''t immediately interested in inviting them, you are probably better off.

I''m glad to hear that it''s not that uncommon. I feel better now. Sabine, I think it''s bothering me because in general, my FI''s parents have been so hands-off with everything. They''re not being rude -- they just don''t know about these things (wedding related info./etiquette). I know it could be worse, they could want to be involved with every aspect of the wedding and other things. I just wish that his parents had SOME opinions, ya know? I don''t think his parents will regret anything. They''ve left everything up to my FI and me. I could go on and on with things they''ve been hands-off with but I don''t want to complain endlessly. I''m normally not like that.

 

[Sabine]

Date: 8/27/2007 4:33:08 PM
Author: zoebartlett

Date: 8/27/2007 11:16:39 AM
Author: Sabine
We are in the same situation only opposite. Out of the 200 people we''re inviting, only about 30 are from my side of the family or friends of my parents. I''m not really worried about it though because 1. my family is smaller than his, so it makes sense they will have more, and 2. although I do have more family members that I could invite, I would be including people I haven''t seen since I was born, really don''t know, and don''t really care about having at my wedding. I agree with everyone else that what really matters is having the people who mean something to you there for your big day.

Any idea why this is still bothering you even though your logic tells you it shouldn''t? Is it because you are worried his family will regret not inviting members that they could? If they are anything like my family, if your future inlaws aren''t immediately interested in inviting them, you are probably better off.

I''m glad to hear that it''s not that uncommon. I feel better now. Sabine, I think it''s bothering me because in general, my FI''s parents have been so hands-off with everything. They''re not being rude -- they just don''t know about these things (wedding related info./etiquette). I know it could be worse, they could want to be involved with every aspect of the wedding and other things. I just wish that his parents had SOME opinions, ya know? I don''t think his parents will regret anything. They''ve left everything up to my FI and me. I could go on and on with things they''ve been hands-off with but I don''t want to complain endlessly. I''m normally not like that.

Feel free to complain away! Sometimes venting is the only help! Sounds like your FILs don''t know how much them being involved would mean to you, and that could get tricky. You probably don''t want to be pushy, but their input would probably make you feel so much better. I totally understand. My fiance''s parents are new to the wedding stuff too, and we''re not particularly close although I''d like to be. I''ve gone out of my way to try to make them feel included (especially since he has the kind of mom who totally seems like she would want to be) but I usually get shot down. I even called them before choosing a photographer to go over prices and ask if they seemed reasonable for the kinds of pictures/packages they might want. Although I made it clear I just wanted their opinions, they actually got angry that I would expect them to have any idea how many/what size pictures they would want. It hurt, but I think I''m going to keep trying to get them invovled. I''m trying to think of what the most fun part of the planning would be for htem so that they will enjoy being part of the process. Maybe the guest list is not something your FILs can relate to, but something else will be! Do they have any interests taht you could draw on, like do they like food and would want to be consulted on teh menu? Wines? Stationary? Landscaping? Anything?