LIW needs help showing BF E-ring shopping together is ok

[CMC]

Hi Fellow LIW!

I need to enlist your help, in helping me find articles or support that say shopping for a ERing together is ok! My bf has already told me that he''s proposing this year, but he''s the stereotypical male who walks in, sees what he wants and walks out. No extra throught put into the 4c''s or if he''s getting a good deal. (afraid of this, I scoured goodoldgold.com and learned everything I could, and linked him to resources). And from what I can tell diamonds aren''t a quick walk-in & walk-out type of purchase.

I''m a practical girl, and I''d rather we "window" shop together (I''ve never tried any rings on, so I don''t even know what I like). Then pick out a few we BOTH like and then he can make the final decision when he''s ready. He''d rather take another girl, which I''m not comfortable with, since it will be the ring I wear for a lifetime.

He said he would take me with him if I could provide support/documentation, that it is acceptable now for couples to go together. He thinks it would take the surprise element out of it, but can''t he still surprise me by how he proposes and when? I have complete faith that he will pick something I love, or I''ll love anything he picks, BUT I don''t want him to get ripped off by jewelers...

So if you have any helpful links that would be fantastic! Thanks!

PS. For xmas he got me a diamond solitaire pendant which I love, but he went to a MALL and visited the B&M''s in there... that''s almost guaranteed rip off. My pendant is fantastic, and I love it, but I don''t want him to be paying for more than necessary.... is this selfish?

 

[vc10um]

Welcome, CMC!

First off, congrats on taking the next step in your relationship!!!

Second, it's not selfish at all to want him to get the most for his money on your engagement ring! It's never smart to pay more for something than it's worth!

Third, I think you will find many many many instances of girls shopping with their men on here. In fact, take him to a jewelry store on a Saturday afternoon. Not a maul store, but a nice B&M with a good selection and good reputation. Don't say where you're going. Just walk in. 10-to-1 odds says there's a couple in there shopping for e-rings. It happens all the time nowadays! Many of the recent threads show instances of women shopping with their men, even flat out purchasing a portion of their ring (either the stone, setting, or both!). Also, there is still plenty of surprise to be had with the where and when...so no worries on that for him!

I'm sure plenty of the other ladies on here will chip in their personal stories about shopping as well!

PS: For me, I've taken A to a jewelry store and shown him my fave e-ring in the world, and then a few more that I also love, as well as a few designs online that I adore. From that point, I'm putting it in his very capable hands to choose a stone and which setting he wants me to have.

**Edited since I apparently can't spell today.**

 

[Lauren8211]

I have an idea.

Tell him you''re about to spend X on a gift for him (1,000, 5,000, 10,000 - whatever his ring budget is) and he gets to put in absolutely no input, it might be one of the most important gifts he receives in his entire life, it will symbolize something EXTREMELY important, and he has to wear it every day for the rest of his life whether he likes it or not.

See how he feels about that.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 1/14/2010 2:15:44 PM
Author: elledizzy5


I have an idea.


Tell him you're about to spend X on a gift for him (1,000, 5,000, 10,000 - whatever his ring budget is) and he gets to put in absolutely no input, it might be one of the most important gifts he receives in his entire life, it will symbolize something EXTREMELY important, and he has to wear it every day for the rest of his life whether he likes it or not.


See how he feels about that.

Ditto this!! That should drive the point home...

From what I've seen, ring shopping together is the norm rather than the exception now. I don't know of any specific resources, but have you tried doing a search on the forums (I know similar topics come up time and again on LIW), and showing him the responses? Every time someone posts a "is it ok/a good idea to look at rings together" type of question, the answer is always a resounding YES, with a multitude of good reasons why.

Another point - ring shopping together was one of the most special and memorable experiences of my life. I can't tell you how exciting and fun it was. I'd have felt kind of cheated if my fiance had denied me that because of his own preferences. Maybe use this approach with him (if you do feel this way)?

 

[Prana]

Just send him here! Tell him to poke around in the LIW, rocky talky and smtr threads. He will learn and get to see examples of what is acceptable as far as diamond buying goes.

 

[vc10um]

Date: 1/14/2010 2:15:44 PM
Author: elledizzy5

I have an idea.

Tell him you''re about to spend X on a gift for him (1,000, 5,000, 10,000 - whatever his ring budget is) and he gets to put in absolutely no input, it might be one of the most important gifts he receives in his entire life, it will symbolize something EXTREMELY important, and he has to wear it every day for the rest of his life whether he likes it or not.

See how he feels about that.

Well said, elle.

 

[rierie26]

You could also go window shopping together at a jewelry store (B&M, small shop, whatever) and ask the sales associate if a lot of couples go shopping together nowadays. I bet they''d say yes.

 

[MayFlowers]

I agree that you should either send him on here, take him to a jewelry store, or take elle''s advice.

When my SO and I went ring shopping for the first time, we saw about 5 other couples there looking at rings as well. Before we had gone, I didn''t think anyone went shopping together for rings. But, obviously going into the store changed my mind about that!

 

[saltydog75]

If he just googles "is it OK to shop for an engagement ring together", every article nowadays says it''s perfectly fine.

 

[ChocolateLover]

I knew the ring style I wanted needed to be custom made and thought that could be overwhelming for my BF (who hates shopping). So, I showed him a picture of some ring styles i liked & HE actually suggested going shopping together. Not to overwhelm him, I found 1 (just 1!) reputable store that carried a ring similar to what I liked, and funny enough... he picked it out in the store (and they had a LOT of rings in that store).

As that store was out of town, we ended up getting it custom made (for %15 less!) at home anyway,

Maybe you could try that? Print off some pictures of what you like, and maybe a simple guide to buying diamonds? (there are lots out there). If he really wants to shop alone, then at least he''d have a "guide".

 

[ChocolateLover]

also check out:

http://engagementrings.lovetoknow.com/wiki/How_to_Buy_an_Engagement_Ring
&
http://www.xomba.com/should_couples_shop_together_for_a_diamond_engagement_ring

 

[CMC]

Thanks for the welcome and the support LIW''s!

I will let him make the final call as to whether or not he takes me with him, but I have sent him to PS and GOG If anyone else needs evidence that shopping together is ok this article will probably help!

http://www.theplunge.com/ringbuyingguide/should-you-go-engagement-ring-shopping-with-your-girlfriend

It takes Elle''s idea

, but instead of a gift, makes the Ering purchase comparable to FANTASY FOOTBALL DRAFT

!! This will be my approach Thanks again ladies!

 

[4ever]

Ok so I got reading the website you linked to above and it is hallarious.

 

[Echidna]

Date: 1/14/2010 2:15:44 PM
Author: elledizzy5

I have an idea.

Tell him you're about to spend X on a gift for him (1,000, 5,000, 10,000 - whatever his ring budget is) and he gets to put in absolutely no input, it might be one of the most important gifts he receives in his entire life, it will symbolize something EXTREMELY important, and he has to wear it every day for the rest of his life whether he likes it or not.

See how he feels about that.

I'm a bit late to the party, but Elledizzy's strategy worked extremely well for me because my SO is into flying airplanes. His wildest dream would be buying a beautiful one, so I compared ring shopping to buying a plane. Wouldn't he want to be as educated as possible and get the best specs for the least money? Would he want ME (the non-plane obsessed person) to do it as a gift for him all by myself? Probably not

Is your guy into classic cars or collectables or watches or something that you can use as a very basic comparison? That might help.

ETA: When we went ring shopping, the sales lady told us that 50% of couples come together to select a ring. As for the rest, 25% of the time the guy goes alone and 25% of the time the woman goes alone. It's completely acceptable for the wearer to come too!

 

[nkarma]

You could go to a store and ask the sales assistant how many couples they get that shop together with him. I asked a few when we were shopping because I was kind of skeptical as well and they either told me about half of the engagement ring shoppers they see or even a majority are shopping together. You can also point any friends that you know that have shopped together.

 

[CMC]

Hi Ladies,

So I incorporated everyone''s ideas and I asked my bf if he would let me come up with his "football fantasy draft" (oops I guess it''s called fantasy football draft... even more support for my cause) w/ lots of money on the table. He was apalled that I would even ASK him that question. Seeing how I even fumbled the name of his sacred draft... coming up with his team was not an option.

So then comes the... "So let''s flip the situation and compare it to this E-Ring scenario for me"...

His response... "It''s not a fair comparison, people upgrade their rings over time."

In other words ladies, I''ve got no say in it, because I can always upgrade later... I wasn''t considering it as an option, but seems like I''ve got a stubborn traditionalist on my hands, and will just have to trust him on this one. Although he did say he''s not sure yet if I get to go along for a pre-shop or not... *fingers crossed*...

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 1/20/2010 4:14:50 PM
Author: CMC
Hi Ladies,

So I incorporated everyone's ideas and I asked my bf if he would let me come up with his 'football fantasy draft' (oops I guess it's called fantasy football draft... even more support for my cause) w/ lots of money on the table. He was apalled that I would even ASK him that question. Seeing how I even fumbled the name of his sacred draft... coming up with his team was not an option.

So then comes the... 'So let's flip the situation and compare it to this E-Ring scenario for me'...

His response... 'It's not a fair comparison, people upgrade their rings over time.'

In other words ladies, I've got no say in it, because I can always upgrade later... I wasn't considering it as an option, but seems like I've got a stubborn traditionalist on my hands, and will just have to trust him on this one. Although he did say he's not sure yet if I get to go along for a pre-shop or not... *fingers crossed*...

IMO... a stubborn traditionalist would not allow an upgrade.

ETA: also, tell him he can upgrade his fantasy football team on your 5th wedding anniversary.

 

[CMC]

Date: 1/20/2010 4:18:41 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 1/20/2010 4:14:50 PM
Author: CMC
Hi Ladies,

So I incorporated everyone''s ideas and I asked my bf if he would let me come up with his ''football fantasy draft'' (oops I guess it''s called fantasy football draft... even more support for my cause) w/ lots of money on the table. He was apalled that I would even ASK him that question. Seeing how I even fumbled the name of his sacred draft... coming up with his team was not an option.

So then comes the... ''So let''s flip the situation and compare it to this E-Ring scenario for me''...

His response... ''It''s not a fair comparison, people upgrade their rings over time.''

In other words ladies, I''ve got no say in it, because I can always upgrade later... I wasn''t considering it as an option, but seems like I''ve got a stubborn traditionalist on my hands, and will just have to trust him on this one. Although he did say he''s not sure yet if I get to go along for a pre-shop or not... *fingers crossed*...

IMO... a stubborn traditionalist would not allow an upgrade.

ETA: also, tell him he can upgrade his fantasy football team on your 5th wedding anniversary.

Elle you are brilliant!! Too bad I didn''t have you right there when I was talking to him about!

 

[LilyKat]

Honestly, CMC, if my fiance had acted that way, he would have gotten a good slap. It's your ring! Which YOU will have to wear! You shouldn't have to beg and reason with him for the privilege of having a say in it - the fact that it's clearly important to you should be reason enough. This whole idea that the big strong men make decisions and us feeble womenfolk just have to be grateful for whatever they deign to give us... just rubs me up the wrong way.

Of course, it's not a problem if the woman wants to be surprised - but you don't, and with very good reason! Bottom line - if it's important to you to ring shop together, you should be ring shopping together. Start setting the precedent for your joint married decisions now

Sorry. Rant over

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 1/20/2010 4:40:41 PM
Author: CMC

Date: 1/20/2010 4:18:41 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 1/20/2010 4:14:50 PM
Author: CMC
Hi Ladies,

So I incorporated everyone''s ideas and I asked my bf if he would let me come up with his ''football fantasy draft'' (oops I guess it''s called fantasy football draft... even more support for my cause) w/ lots of money on the table. He was apalled that I would even ASK him that question. Seeing how I even fumbled the name of his sacred draft... coming up with his team was not an option.

So then comes the... ''So let''s flip the situation and compare it to this E-Ring scenario for me''...

His response... ''It''s not a fair comparison, people upgrade their rings over time.''

In other words ladies, I''ve got no say in it, because I can always upgrade later... I wasn''t considering it as an option, but seems like I''ve got a stubborn traditionalist on my hands, and will just have to trust him on this one. Although he did say he''s not sure yet if I get to go along for a pre-shop or not... *fingers crossed*...

IMO... a stubborn traditionalist would not allow an upgrade.

ETA: also, tell him he can upgrade his fantasy football team on your 5th wedding anniversary.

Elle you are brilliant!! Too bad I didn''t have you right there when I was talking to him about!

Years of being extremely stubborn and having to think on my toes!

Seriously though, I doubt he''d pick a ring you wouldn''t like. I''m sure it will be beautiful! Hopefully you can do al ittle more pre-shopping though!

 

[CMC]

Date: 1/20/2010 4:43:55 PM
Author: LilyKat
Honestly, CMC, if my fiance had acted that way, he would have gotten a good slap. It''s your ring! Which YOU will have to wear! You shouldn''t have to beg and reason with him for the privilege of having a say in it - the fact that it''s clearly important to you should be reason enough. This whole idea that the big strong men make decisions and us feeble womenfolk just have to be grateful for whatever they deign to give us... just rubs me up the wrong way.

Of course, it''s not a problem if the woman wants to be surprised - but you don''t, and with very good reason! Bottom line - if it''s important to you to ring shop together, you should be ring shopping together. Start setting the precedent for your joint married decisions now

Sorry. Rant over

Haha LilyKat,

Sometimes I wish I could! But my bf is the opposite of a pushover, and ultimatums get me nowhere (I''ve tried). We''ve come quite a ways in our 1.5 years of dating (short time but we''re 28/30), and I agree with your point on joint decisions. I think he''s eventually going to come around to it, esp since I will nudge a bit more.

He''s just stubborn, and I have to be smarter to about things.

Sometimes I just have to plant the idea, and then he''ll take over. Hopefully this will be the case.

Elle, I''m sure you''re right. He does have good taste, and does know what I like, so I don''t doubt he will pick a perfect ring. I just think it''d be fun too. What if I found the perfect ring that was less than what he was going to spend? That $ could go into the wedding or house right?

Just can''t help being practical!

 

[kittybean]

CMC, I would just keep planting the seeds. You can also plant seeds about what you do like and what you definitely don''t like, too! Go try some on by yourself if you need a better idea of what you like.

As far as couples not shopping together, I''ll tell you a couple personal anecdotes. First, my own story: I didn''t shop with my DH for my e-ring, and let me tell you, it freaked me out. I was so worried I wouldn''t like my ring. I even accidentally saw a CAD sort of drawing of what it would look like beforehand, and I didn''t really like the setting! I was so bummed, but as it turns out, I loved it in person, and it ended up being even more perfect for me than the setting I thought I wanted before. All''s well that ends well, but I would have much preferred shopping together (especially since we made the decision that we wanted to get married together!).

My friend''s story: her FI originally got her what he liked from a B&M chain. It was not her style. After much consideration, she told him it was not her style, and they started shopping together for a new ring. They were able to return the original ring and get a gorgeous new (and less expensive!) one from a PS vendor. They were ultimately really happy with it, but both of them wished they had done the shopping together so the ring would have been perfect when he proposed.

Maybe you can weave these anecdotes into the subtle hints you''re dropping

. If you don''t end up shopping together, don''t worry too much about it. I''m sure he wants to please you and get you something you love. The longer I wear mine, the more hopelessly in love with it (and with him!) I become. I hope the same thing happens to you. Best of luck with your ring hunt and lots of engagement dust coming your way!

 

[katamari]

I would assemble a series of articles on gender inequity in a marriage (and how strongly it is correlated with divorce) and give those to him instead. Elle''s suggestion certainly works, but I also think if he is at all rational, he should be open to your desire to be involved in the selection of the symbol of your life-long partnership.

 

[CMC]

*breaking news*

Progress is made! My bf agreed to let me come along to pre-shop together! yippeeeee

I just had to keep chipping away, and he softened up

. I basically told him how much it would mean to me, and that there are so many intricate details when finding a good diamond, that he realized it''d be better to do the search together (2 eyes are better than 1!). PHEW!

Also, yesterday I secretly went to a local B&M my friend uses just to get a feel for shapes, settings and what I possibly might like actually on my hand. I went in knowing I liked a RB with a pear on each side, and I only came out reassured it would be perfect

I then also told my bf last night (my friend and I ended up being in there for THREE hours) what I had been up to, and gave him the specs on a few diamonds I saw. and then he did the amazing!

He actually went online to look up 2 carat loose stones

... (for him to go online was a major feat, and to put in 2 carats... wow) And it keeps going... he put in Excellent cut, VS2 or higher... he even knew to look for no fluorescence! so proud!

 

[Winks_Elf]

If you''re looking for a round or princess cut center, tell him to search for AGS ideal cuts with SI1 clarity, in the F-H range. He''ll be surprised how many thousands of dollars he can save! I''ve seen AGS SI2''s that I couldn''t really see why they were graded that way. AGS is very strict, so what may be an SI1 in another lab gets an SI2 from AGS. CAVEAT: not everyone can deal with the SI1 or lower grade...it has to be mindclean for you, but remember, you don''t wear the cert, you wear the diamond. Cut is king.

 

[CMC]

Date: 1/24/2010 1:17:33 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
If you''re looking for a round or princess cut center, tell him to search for AGS ideal cuts with SI1 clarity, in the F-H range. He''ll be surprised how many thousands of dollars he can save! I''ve seen AGS SI2''s that I couldn''t really see why they were graded that way. AGS is very strict, so what may be an SI1 in another lab gets an SI2 from AGS. CAVEAT: not everyone can deal with the SI1 or lower grade...it has to be mindclean for you, but remember, you don''t wear the cert, you wear the diamond. Cut is king.

Melissa, you read my mind!

When I was at the B&M... I couldn''t even find some of the inclusions when i was searching for it. The jeweler had to point it out for me, so SI is totally fine! My minimum is definitely GIA Excellent but preferably AGS Ideal. I def prefer cut>carat>color same as clarity.

He pulled a 2.09ct GIA very good (G SI1)... and it just didn''t shine as much as the 1.65ct GIA F,vs2 triple excellent!

 

[1stlady]

Date: 1/14/2010 2:15:44 PM
Author: elledizzy5

I have an idea.

Tell him you''re about to spend X on a gift for him (1,000, 5,000, 10,000 - whatever his ring budget is) and he gets to put in absolutely no input, it might be one of the most important gifts he receives in his entire life, it will symbolize something EXTREMELY important, and he has to wear it every day for the rest of his life whether he likes it or not.

See how he feels about that.

Lmao -I''m new here and my boyfriend had the same idea. When I suggested we go look at rings together he looked at me crazy-he had in his mind too that the ring should be a total surprise. I just said "Great i will pick yours out too and it will be... (i described something i knew he would hate) a wide yellow gold band, with huge round diamonds around the entire ring and that I may add a few red and blue colored gemstones in there for an extra sparkle effect."

You girls should have seen the frown on his face-LOL!!! He went on to say that he didn''t even like yellow gold, and that he didn''t want anything flashy at all, and that big diamonds and gemstones sounded really girly. I just said "Oh well its what I would pick out, you would have no input in it either and it wouldn''t matter because you would be required to wear it every single day for the rest of your life."

After that description -he wanted to go look at rings that day-

We are actually going to make a day of it this Sunday.

So yes they get it once you flip it on them. This idea DEF works and he will be able to see things your way.