LIW in need of some advice...

[needadvicepls]

I normally post here under another name but am using this name for some anonymity.

I am a LIW who is reaching the end of my rope. My bf and I have been together for 5 years this year and we live together. I love him very much, but I'm starting to get completely fed up and need a place to vent. Last year we began talking about getting engaged and aimed for early this year. Unfortunately, he experienced a death in his family late last year so the whole idea of engagement got put on hold which I more than understand. So, early this year comes and goes and he says we should get engaged in the summer. I immediately get excited and start researching rings. We went ring shopping together twice and I did all the work and research to figure out exactly what I want and from what jeweler. We went on vacation recently and I was hoping he'd do it then, but before we went away he flat out told me it wasn't going to happen then and he was sorry. It was really disappointing but I got over it thinking "ok, the summer is almost here." Our anniversary is during the summer so I was thinking he might do it then. Now, he's saying we should get engaged in the fall (possibly), mainly because his family chimed in and said we should wait a full year for the "mourning period" to be over and it's not "appropriate" to get engaged until then. Mind you, this is not something that is customary in their religion so I am having a hard time accepting this. I understand the fall is only a few months later than we planned, but it's more the fact that I'm being told it's being put on hold again and it's not even definite. It could be the winter or later. It makes me feel like it completely isn't a priority and he just thinks I will keep on waiting. Sometimes I feel like I am overreacting, but he keeps getting my hopes up and then they get crushed. He's even gone so far as to joke about it and say he's in contact with a jeweler when he isn't. I've talked to him about all of this countless times and he tells me it's coming and to not get so upset. I think I wouldn't be so upset if we hadn't been together as long as we have, but everyone I know, including my family and coworkers ask me on a near weekly basis when we are going to get engaged. I know I shouldn't care, but it makes it a lot harder when everyone around me is getting engaged and they've been together less than half the time my BF and I have been dating.

Additionally, his family is getting involved and expects us to get married as soon as we get engaged. This is not what he and I discussed and it's not what I want. We both wanted a long engagement so that we can enjoy being engaged and not have to worry about planning a wedding as soon as the ring is on my finger. Apparently this is not acceptable and I had to listen to his mother flip out at us about it this weekend even though we will be paying for our own wedding. His mother has caused me a lot of stress over the past year and it really annoys me that she's trying to put her 2 cents in on this part of our lives.

I'm just starting to feel so upset about all of this. It's like all the excitement that I should be feeling is completely gone. All I feel is stressed out and frustrated. I try so hard to be understanding, but I've reached my breaking point and it's affecting our relationship. I can't help but be disappointed and frustrated and I wind up taking it out on him. He's finally actually in contact with a jeweler but at this point I don't even care. He's gotten my hopes up so many times and disappointed me that I feel so over it.

Thank you all for listening to my rant. I just needed to get this all off my chest and it's not something I can really do IRL.

 

[gummy-bear]

Hi needadvicepls, sorry to hear about what's been going on. I really think it's cruel to "joke" about talking to a jeweler and getting your hopes up. I had a talk with my boyfriend that he was not allowed to use the word "soon" unless it really is right aroumd the corner. I explained how disappointing it is and how it crushes my feelings. I hope your boyfriend has stopped with those gamed. Guys really can be so childish sometimes :p.

Now I mean no disrespect when I say this but his famiy needs to butt out. The engagement and wedding is between the two of you. No one should dictate when you get married. I would not want this pushy behaviour from his mom to spill over into your marriage. Hope things work out.

 

[needadvicepls]

Hi gummy-bear. Thanks so much for your reply. Luckily, the jokes have stopped and he really IS in contact with a jeweler now but it's nice to know someone else out there understands how I'm feeling.

And, no disrespect taken. I completely agree with you. I've been feeling so much frustration regarding our engagement that to hear his mom flip out because of when we want to get married was the straw that broke the camel's back. She is a pushy lady which has been an issue throughout our relationship that I've been very vocal about with him. I've always tried to be as respectful as possible towards her but, I thought this was too much. We both agreed we were ready to get engaged but we wanted to wait a bit before getting married. It's a big step and we've been together so long already without being engaged that I feel no rush to run off and get married right away. I'd like to enjoy being an engaged couple and to enjoy that phase of our relationship, you know?

 

[MBKRH]

I completely agree with gummy-bear. The family needs to butt out, and it isn't fair for him to lead you on. I would be furious if my guy was doing that. I understand how frustrated you are. I was in that boat.
I just broke up with my SO three weeks ago. We were together almost 6.5 years. No talks of the future, no ring shopping, nada. He never wanted to talk about the future, and he did nothing to better himself to try and make a life for the both of us. It was hard to end it, but I knew things would never move on.

I hope things get easier for you.

 

[needadvicepls]

I completely agree with gummy-bear. The family needs to butt out, and it isn't fair for him to lead you on. I would be furious if my guy was doing that. I understand how frustrated you are. I was in that boat.
I just broke up with my SO three weeks ago. We were together almost 6.5 years. No talks of the future, no ring shopping, nada. He never wanted to talk about the future, and he did nothing to better himself to try and make a life for the both of us. It was hard to end it, but I knew things would never move on.

I hope things get easier for you.

Hi wishfuldreamer,

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through! It must be hard but I'm sure it's for the best.

A few weeks ago I told my bf that if it doesn't happen by the end of this year I wouldn't be willing to stay in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. I'm not the ultimatum type, but I just don't think it's right to keep leading me on. He's taken steps to build a life for us, but after talking about getting engaged for almost a year, I just want it to happen already. We've had long talks about this and apparently he is ready aside from the mourning issue. If he needs to put it on hold to deal with what he's going through I'd rather just be told that instead of it just keep getting postponed.

Hopefully it will sort itself out soon. Thank you for your support. I really appreciate it.

 

[Jessie702]

Need-- I am not a LIW anymore, but im neither a BIW. First off, i agree with what everyone is saying with butting out. This is the start of your future with him, and if you let people butt in now, they will always butt in,and you wont make a decision with just him, and you. Him joking about the jewelers is wrong, since this is something that is very important to you, and tell him that. If he cant grow up, and stop, that might be something for you to think about. Im not the ultimatum type of woman, but i am the promise type. If you told him that if it doesnt happen by the end of the year, keep to that promise. Good luck hon, try to be patient and stand your ground.

 

[merilenda]

First of all, I want to say that my dad died last March and I got engaged in June. I think a year of mourning is pretty silly, especially if it's not a cultural thing. Don't get me wrong. I miss my dad every single day, but the truth is, he would not have wanted me to waste a year of my life in mourning. He would have HATED that.

I've had my own issues with FI's family from time to time. I think you need to have a talk with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel about the situation. Sometimes families just try to get way too involved. It's not about them - it's about you and your boyfriend joining your lives together. You and he need to make a joint decision about what YOU want and then stick to your guns (especially him, since it's his family giving you the trouble). If you want a long engagement, then set a game plan for a wedding date and stick with it. If they have a problem, then explain that this is what works for the two of you and you would love for them to be involved somehow in the process.

Good luck!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Okay, like with all these posts, I'm going to give you the same advice...
TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND

I am sure that's easier said than done, but still. We can give you all the advice and support in the world, but what you're looking for is answers, and we cannot give you those. But, he can. If you come from a place of honesty, he will too. I'm sure it's scary to have to be the one to bring it up, the fear of rejection is pretty strong, but he needs to know where your head is.

When people say "you aren't marrying his family so don't worry about them, you're marrying him" that's just a lie or wishful thinking. You are marrying his family. Yes, you picked him, but they are the package deal. So while it would be nice to totally negate them and their opinions and their drama entirely, you just can't. So, with all the stuff they are throwing at you like the hasty wedding and the mourning period--that also needs to be addressed now...by your boyfriend. He needs to set them straight. He needs to have that conversation about this being his life and your life and your marriage, and that while they are appreciated and loved, they aren't going to run the show. It's great that they have ideals, but they also need to consider the actuality of things, like...oh, I don't know...planning a wedding! Maybe they are operating under the misnomer that you will get married immediately, and consider that distasteful in light of the family loss, but if they were told that a long engagement is looming, they might "get it" and lighten up.

So...
TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND

 

[Amys Bling]

Sorry to hear about all that has been going on. Honestly, the engagement and wedding should be a decision you and your future FI make, and while you want to respect his and your family, ultimately it's your & your FI life and decisions...

 

[suchende]

If my family asked me to delay a few months to respect a grieving period, I'd oblige, so I can see why your BF is inclined to bow to the pressure. As far as the short engagement goes, well, that's overstepping their bounds, IMO. Unless they're paying or providing the space or something along those lines, they should respect your decision as a couple.

 

[needadvicepls]

Hi Italiahaircolor- Thank you for your advice! I agree with him needing to set them straight. I just want to clarify though that I do talk to him about all of this. I'm pretty vocal about everything. I don't really hold anything back because I know how important it is to communicate. However, lately I just feel like it's one thing after another and was looking for some outside opinions and support

Amys Bling- Thanks! I agree

Suchende- You have a point. I suppose if my family asked me to delay, I'd feel the same. I think my real issue is that he's being asked to postpone while other members of his family and siblings are off doing things that I don't think are respecting this grieving period. Also, it's the first time this is even being mentioned to us and it's not a religious or cultural thing. If it was, I'd be more than respectful.

And no, they are not providing anything for our wedding which is why I was so offended! I had a long talk with BF and supposedly he's going to start putting them in their place... We'll see

 

[blacksand]

If my family asked me to delay a few months to respect a grieving period, I'd oblige, so I can see why your BF is inclined to bow to the pressure. As far as the short engagement goes, well, that's overstepping their bounds, IMO. Unless they're paying or providing the space or something along those lines, they should respect your decision as a couple.

I agree with this. I understand your not wanting to wait, especially if it doesn't seem to be in line with his family's other beliefs, but if my family asked me to do this, I absolutely would, out of respect. I understand about setting boundaries with in-laws, but I also think it's important to start the relationship out right by showing respect. I do agree that the length of the engagement is not something they should really have a say in, since they are not planning or paying for the wedding. If you do get engaged, you and your SO should simply inform them of the date(s) you have in mind. That's your decision.

 

[wwmd8118]

needadviceplease ~ I completely understand your frustration because I just went through this - I was with now-FI for 4.5 years before he proposed 2 weeks ago. I have a couple thoughts on your situation. First, if his family asked him to wait a year, while this may seem excessive to you (understandably), I still understand his desire to respect their wishes. Second, the fact that your BF has been to a jeweler is huge and he really may be more serious about it than he is leading you to believe. This is exactly what happened to me. I know that you're probably thinking that's not the case for you but it really could be. If anyone thought they knew their BF and where he was in the process, it was me. I was positive he was dragging his feet and just pushing back the time frame thinking I would wait forever, when I actually found my ring in a drawer and was shocked beyond belief. I didn't even think he had contacted a jeweler yet and he had still been making jokes about when we get married next decade and stuff like that. Even after finding the ring, the proposal was a month later so I thought he had returned it or something. I actually cried 2 hours before the proposal because I was positive (POSITIVE!) it was going to be another couple months based on some things we had coming up. Needless to say, I was beyond shock when he was down on one knee a couple hours later. After my BF proposed, I actually felt guilty because he had been working on my ring for 3 months, while I had been building him up in my mind as someone who didn't care about my feelings that whole time. So, my point in all this is that he may in fact be the great guy you know he is who is respecting his family's wishes while also working behind the scenes to make your wishes come true. Just thought I would offer another perspective since I just went through this and felt very similar to the way you do right now. Best of luck.

 

[wwmd8118]

We went on vacation recently and I was hoping he'd do it then, but before we went away he flat out told me it wasn't going to happen then and he was sorry. It was really disappointing but I got over it thinking "ok, the summer is almost here."

One more thing I wanted to add about this - I went through this exact same thing. We went on vacation 4 months ago for our 4 year anniversary, and I was really hoping it would happen then. Well, it didn't and my BF did the same thing and told me the first day that it wasn't going to happen. I was so upset at the time, but in hindsight, I am glad he told me flat out instead of me hoping for it the whole trip and then being even more let down. So, I just wanted to say that at least he's not trying to get your hopes up and disappoint you - he's being honest and telling you it isn't the right time. Hopefully that right time will be as soon as the mourning period is over.