Living with the in-laws for 4-6 weeks..how to cope?

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 3/23/2010 1:15:47 AM
Author: movie zombie
ok, they''re coming to visit and not an easy way out of it....but you almost divorced 6 years ago due to the interactions and you''re still bitter about it...i would be, too, i''m sure.

so, how about putting them up in a hotel/motel/bed and breakfast nearby? limit their time in your home, give you some space, etc. then when your hubby is around, he can entertain them.

lock your bills up in a closet or safe or something. shut doors behind you and lock them if necessary?

mz

That was my initial thought too. Can you explain to them that you''re just so busy and won''t have time to make them comfortable so it would be best for them if they stayed somewhere other than in your home?

My feeling is that if they cause that much stress in your marriage, and your DH knows it, then there is no reason why you should be forced in allowing them to stay in your home when he won''t even be around to wrangle them....and when he doesn''t follow the Indian cultural practices to begin with.

I am not Indian, and neither is my DH''s family, but I''m guessing that putting them up in a hotel won''t go over well with the IL''s but I think this is a time when you need to put your marriage and family first.

 

[lulu]

Sorry to say, but I think for the sake of your marriage you have to suck it up. No rules, no lists and try to make the best of it. It''s an entirely different culture and even though they''ll be in the US they are still Indian. Surely when you married you knew there would be cultural expectations?

I really feel for the position your husband is in here. When you marry someone you marry the whole family, and having them for six weeks is better than having them nearby all the time. I''m so happy that my husband would step up to the plate in a situation like this.

 

[Pandora II]

Could you have a nervous breakdown?

Seriously I feel so sorry for you. My mother has to have her mother to stay for a week at a time once or twice a year and it is ghastly - the years I was ill and living at home we used to hit the gin bottle, or take the witch out shopping... she''s scared of escalators and lifts, so my mother and I would do a runner up an escalator and go for coffee.

I could happily have either my mother or MIL for extended visits, but they are both very easy going. Step-MIL I could manage about 24 hours before I would want to commit major crimes, so I get what you are going to have to deal with.

I''m afraid I don''t have a lot of advice, but I think the idea of counselling for you and DH in advance is a good one.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

One other thing comes to mind - if they''re going to be there for a few weeks rather than a few days, it might be worth seeing if there is an Indian community centre or similar anywhere near you, so they can have somewhere to go that''s out of the house. I live in a tiny village in Scotland and there''s an Indian community centre 20 minutes drive from here, so there''s a good chance you''ll find one. There are activities, get togethers and friendship groups and they are very welcoming to short-term visitors. Might give you an hour or two of sanity...

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 3/23/2010 10:39:46 AM
Author: lulu
Sorry to say, but I think for the sake of your marriage you have to suck it up. No rules, no lists and try to make the best of it. It's an entirely different culture and even though they'll be in the US they are still Indian. Surely when you married you knew there would be cultural expectations?


I really feel for the position your husband is in here. When you marry someone you marry the whole family, and having them for six weeks is better than having them nearby all the time. I'm so happy that my husband would step up to the plate in a situation like this.

I agree with this. I don't get along with my MIL and we all lived together for 9 MONTHS. 4-6 weeks is not that long in the big picture of life. You love your husband, which means you need to accept and be accommodating to his family. It doesn't mean you are letting them move in, but come on... you knew this was the culture you were marrying into and that this was the family you were agreeing to join. And you should be happy to do that for him, without him needing to buy you anything.

I know it seems like a big emergency, but there are couples out there who have to care for their parents full time when they become sick. Whose in-laws have to move in permanently. It's part of agreeing to form a union with someone. That's why we say "For better or worse" not "For the foreseeable future." So calm down and make the best of it. It's probably not going to be as horrible as you're building it up to be in your mind. Keep a positive attitude and look for opportunities to get to know your husband's family better instead of fighting and heading for the brink of divorce again.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 3/23/2010 9:52:20 AM
Author: zipzapgirl
Don''t forget the code word. There needs to be a code word between you and your husband that pulls him back home within a few hours. A mercy word, if you will. And hubby has to agree to it.

If you end up a blathering mess, it''s only fair to know you can call him home when you really need him.
Just knowing you have the word in your pocket will make you feel better.

i don''t know why but this post has put me in mind of Rocky Horror Picture Show....."it was a mercy killing"......

actually, i think a code word that indicates you''ve had it is a great idea.

i also like the suggestions of finding an indian community nearby and getting them involved there.

and the idea of having your schedule with plans outside the house and keeping to it despite them visiting is going to help a lot.

i''d really make sure i had a lock on at least my bedroom and create a retreat there for myself.

mz

ps have you been honest with your husband re still harboring anger re the almost divorce 6 years ago due to prolonged IL interaction? it seems he does see your side of it.....but you may have to give a little and he may have to put on his big boy pants and draw a line with them....as stated previously, marriage requires a lot of compromise.

 

[shimmer]

I''m really sorry that you are in this situation! I have great in-laws, but was with them 3 weeks over Christmas and it got to be a bit much. Every family has different expectations and boundaries, and it is mentally draining to deal with for an extended time--I can''t imagine with children in the mix!

I agree with some of the others, that you should do it for your DH and just try to make the best of it. Going into this with a positive attitude can make a difference! I would make sure (sometime in the future) to address the possibility of them moving in. I think the chances of that are fairly high with your DH being the eldest.

Over the holidays, I found that getting away every day--even for a short walk, or to run to the store--was helpful for me and would clear my head. I would go back to the house refreshed and more positive.

If you have children at home during the day, can you enroll them in a daily program so you can get out for a bit? I used to volunteer at a ''family place'', sort of like a pre-school/daycare but the parents/caregivers would stay with the children. We would do crafts, songs and snacks and were open every weekday for 3-4 hours. I think if you had something like this to get away every day would help tremendously.

If your children are at school, enroll YOURSELF in a daily (daytime) class--yoga, cooking, go to gym etc.. Then take an hour or two before/after for coffee

If neither of those are possibilities, take them somewhere daily. To a park, museum, sightseeing. It will give them time to interact with other things/people and you can have a *bit* of a break.

 

[TravelingGal]

Yup, they''re Indian (not much different from many other asian cultures) so putting them nearby somewhere is NOT an option.

Lots of good advice here. I especially like the one about asking her to teach you to cook Indian food. Keeps her occupied and teaches you something new - what''s not to like?

Also, your DH needs to give you a break. Concoct that you have to be somewhere at regular intervals. Get out of the house, even for 2 hours. I do this when my inlaws come, and I actually LOVE them, but can''t stand the constant conversation and needing to be "on." Knowing that I have some "me" time to look forward to makes the time much much more bearable. Then I get out of the house and revel in the silence! I come back refreshed and gear up until I can have my next break away.

My inlaws come next week for 3 weeks. My boss said I needed to go away to Las Vegas for a weeklong convention, and while I was genuinely bummed to be away while they were here, part of me thinks...phew! No reason for me not to be on my best, most accomodating behavior for 2 weeks knowing that I will be getting a bit of a break. Plus like I said, I love them.

 

[Pandora II]

You mention that your husband and his brother are trying to convince their parents to move to the USA and that if one was to die then the other will move.

Have you discussed what will happen in these situations with your husband? Is he expecting that his parents/parent will move in with you?


DH and I discussed this issue before we got married and agreed that we would never have any of our parents to live with us - not that they would want to. We also told all the parents that they need to sort out whatever they want for their old age in advance and that living with us would not be an option.

 

[february2003bride]

Thank you everyone! I want to address some of the comments.

Of course when DH I got married, it was for better or for worse. But sometimes that worse is so personal (family) that it''s better, healthier to be apart until that worse leaves or not allow that issue to stay for an extended period of time if you know it can be toxic. If my inlaws were sick, without hesitation would I open up my home to them. To me, that''s a no brainer. But that''s not the case right now.

Regarding the cultural aspect, when DH and I were dating and engaged DH told me countless times that he disliked that part of the culture- the mandatory weeks long visits and that never will his parents stay longer than a week or so once we were married. Guess what? That changed. Now that we have kids and he''s older, his opinion of that has changed. So while I was very aware, open minded and embraced the indian culture, DH was telling me no way no how on the long stays. Is 4 weeks long in the grand scheme of life? No. But I''ve seen what has happened time and time again with my BIL and his family when my inlaws stay 2+ months. Like I said, my MIL is very passive aggressive with depression issues (that will never be addressed. We''ve tried.). She told my BIL that if FIL had any health problems due to the stress of them all living together, she would burn their house down. That doesn''t exactly make me want to roll out the welcome mat for an extended period of time.

DH is the one that brought up the "sparkly present" not me. If DH wants to gift me something for having hosted his parents for several weeks, what''s wrong with that?

Anyway, DH and I talked a bit more and I told him that if he wants his parents to stay for 4 weeks, then so be it. But that he HAS to be on my side. If we catch FIL going through our bills (which I will stash away), we will call him out on it. If MIL rearranges my kitchen, we''ll ask her not too. However if MIL criticizes the kids, she will be given ONE warning and if she does it again, she will be asked to go back to BIL''s house. Ditto for an favoritism that they constantly show for our oldest son. FIL once said in front of all of the grandkids that our oldest son was his favorite.

I just don''t want anyone to think I''m some horrible closed minded, controlling person! I''m actually very go with the flow but my inlaws make my blood pressure rise. I do wish we had a great relationship but we don''t and it is what it is. I will be getting lots of gym time, lunches with friends, mani/pedis in during that month!!

Thank you again for all of your posts. I am positive I will be re-reading this thread during that time!

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 3/23/2010 3:02:45 PM
Author: Pandora II
You mention that your husband and his brother are trying to convince their parents to move to the USA and that if one was to die then the other will move.

Have you discussed what will happen in these situations with your husband? Is he expecting that his parents/parent will move in with you?


DH and I discussed this issue before we got married and agreed that we would never have any of our parents to live with us - not that they would want to. We also told all the parents that they need to sort out whatever they want for their old age in advance and that living with us would not be an option.

I don''t know why, but I just find this really hilarious. Good for you guys though, it was smart to make that declaration ahead of time, lol.

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 3/23/2010 3:02:45 PM
Author: Pandora II
You mention that your husband and his brother are trying to convince their parents to move to the USA and that if one was to die then the other will move.

Have you discussed what will happen in these situations with your husband? Is he expecting that his parents/parent will move in with you?


DH and I discussed this issue before we got married and agreed that we would never have any of our parents to live with us - not that they would want to. We also told all the parents that they need to sort out whatever they want for their old age in advance and that living with us would not be an option.

Pandora- This is an issue that we''ve tried discussing before. Basically, because they live in india and their sons in the US, if anything happened to them neither DH nor BIL can easily get there. Since they are getting older, DH and BIL want them here however MIL can not mentally handle it. If anything happens to FIL first, MIL has never driven a car, gone to the bank alone, zero independence. She HAS to live with someone. She definitely doesn''t want to live with us, so she would probably live with BIL however there are religious clashing when she stays with BIL (my inlaws are sikh, and BIL''s wife is muslim) for a long period of time. If MIL passes away first, FIL would want to live with us as he gets along better with DH than BIL, and we have the first grandson

.

We tried them living here in their own apartment and it went very bad. I don''t see us trying that again with them. If the day comes where they have to move to the US, I''m not sure what we''ll do. There would be too many variables for us to decide that today.

It''s funny because my parents are extremely indepedent and never want to live with us (and for the most part have a great relationship). They have everrything planned as to where they will stay once they move out of their home. But, different culture...

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 3/22/2010 11:06:33 PM
Author: Lanie
This is very easy for all of us to say it's not cool that they would stay for so long, and that you need to set boundaries, etc.

But, it's a cultural thing. My sister is married to an Indian man and he has told her that when his family comes over to visit, they will most likely come for at least a month. End of discussion. If your inlaws are making the trip over here, that's a really big deal and difficult to do as an older couple. They are wanting to stay for so long so they can make the trip worth it. I think your husband feels he can't tell them a time limit bc that is not something a son would tell his parents in his culture. One of my best friends married a girl who is Chinese and her mother runs their lives. He has accepted it. I'm not saying it's right but that's just how her family operates. I'm also not saying every Asian family is like this as well. I'm also not saying you should take a back seat to your inlaws. But this could be one of those things that is a huge source of cultural conflict, and for your DH to limit them would be very disrespectful.

No help from me, but this is a cultural issue that you might not win. Maybe others will chime in that have similar inlaw or parental situations.

I edited some of my original post after reading through all of the posts and getting more info on Feb's MIL ...

I just wanted to ditto Lanie on this. In most of the world, parents are respected, and it stinks, but the DIL is usually lowest on the totem pole in the family and gets the short end of the stick.

I am a first generation American, and when my grandparents would come to stay with my family, they would often stay for months on end. Which meant that my mom, who was also a SAHM, sucked it up & hosted, and she didn't like my dad's parents. As did my dad when his inlaws were around, though he was at work all day, so there wasn't as much contact (lucky him).

In Western cultures young people rule the roost, but in India not hosting your in-laws for a month would be seen by them as disrespectful. I'm not saying that it's right or wrong, I'm just saying that that is definitely how Feb's husband and family will take it, and I'm not sure if it's worth it to make a lifelong rift with your husband's side of the family.

However, I also think that the shoe fits both ways, and you should feel free to have your parents stay endlessly, or even tag along on your next vacation, and see how your husband feels about it - if he feels it's an intrusion, then maybe he will limit the length his own parents' visits in the future ... good luck!

I really liked Mrs. Mitchell's suggestions for making your MIL feel useful - having her "teach" you her cooking, for example. Also, do they like looking after the kids? Maybe you could take advantage of the free childcare and get out of the house every day by yourself for a couple of hours. Whenever we have my parents or inlaws stay, I take full advantage of the free babysitting - a godsend for a SAHM

 

[Tacori E-ring]

TOUGH situation. Really you are screwed either way. If I were you I would accept the situation and let go of any expectations (good or bad). I find that if I let go I start to see difficult people differently. I start to focus on why they are the way they are instead of feeling attacked, defensive, angry, etc...I have learned that I will never understand everyone and everything they do. That helps me detach the behavior with the person. I really do believe everyone is just trying to do the best they can. My ILs used to really bother me. Doing what I have mentioned has really helped because they are never going to change. The only one I can change is me. I now try to respond rather than react. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes I am not. Hopefully they will surprise you. Hopefully your DH will give you some breaks. Hopefully your children bonding with their grandparents will be worth an uncomfortable month. Hey, look at it this way...4 weeks a year isn''t that bad. It makes your family really happy. Sometimes we gotta take one for the team.

 

[Lilac]

I know I already responded to this, but I keep thinking about it and coming back to read the responses. I think there''s a huge difference between "not getting along with in-laws" and having in-laws who literally try and get between you and your husband and turn you against each other. And I think unless people have the type of in-laws who will TRY and cause trouble in their marriage between them and their husband/wife they can''t fully understand why in-laws staying over for 4 weeks can be so bad.

I really do feel for you. My husband stands up for me and defends me - always has, always will. But his mother does not stop trying her best to get him to be mad at me. She blames me for everything. Just last night she called my husband and asked him to call her back when I''m not home because she wants to talk to him about me. He is well aware that all she wants to do is insult me so he is avoiding calling her back right now. She lies and tells him I did things that I never did, and she tells him how awful I am. Luckily I have a husband who knows his mother lies and manipulates and she has his entire life, so he doesn''t take her seriously and he''s extremely fed up with her childish behavior at this point... but it''s still extremely hurtful and upsetting that she (and DH''s father) keeps trying to interfere in our marriage and get between us.

I think you might have to just suck it up and have them over for a month in this case, because unfortunately it doesn''t seem like there''s any other choice right now. But I think some people who responded don''t truly understand how detrimental in-laws can be to relationships and marriages if they''ve never been through it the same as you or I have with in-laws who truly TRY to get you and your husband to turn against each other.

Hopefully you and your husband can come to an agreement about how to handle his parents when they are over and start overstepping boudaries - I wish you luck and I hope you let us know how it goes.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 3/23/2010 3:41:37 PM
Author: february2003bride

Pandora- This is an issue that we''ve tried discussing before. Basically, because they live in india and their sons in the US, if anything happened to them neither DH nor BIL can easily get there. Since they are getting older, DH and BIL want them here however MIL can not mentally handle it. If anything happens to FIL first, MIL has never driven a car, gone to the bank alone, zero independence. She HAS to live with someone. She definitely doesn''t want to live with us, so she would probably live with BIL however there are religious clashing when she stays with BIL (my inlaws are sikh, and BIL''s wife is muslim) for a long period of time. If MIL passes away first, FIL would want to live with us as he gets along better with DH than BIL, and we have the first grandson

.

We tried them living here in their own apartment and it went very bad. I don''t see us trying that again with them. If the day comes where they have to move to the US, I''m not sure what we''ll do. There would be too many variables for us to decide that today.

It''s funny because my parents are extremely indepedent and never want to live with us (and for the most part have a great relationship). They have everrything planned as to where they will stay once they move out of their home. But, different culture...

I can''t even imagine the drama before the wedding!

It''s great you''re going to have a lot of activities outside the house to get away from the ILs. Good that you''ve already set ground rules with your husband re: what would be a deal breaker. I do hope you''re able to convince him to cut his hours/travel during their visit. Hoping the visit doesn''t wear you thin. BTW, I''m punjabi too (not sikh though), so if you ever need a listening ear/someone to vent to who understands the culture, feel free to hit me up.

 

[iheartscience]

I don''t have any different advice to add, but your sparkly reward better be HUGE! 4 weeks with anyone, let alone people like your ILs, sounds like torture. I hope the time flies and you''re so transfixed by your sparkly reward that you barely notice them. (Not likely, I know!)

 

[Indylady]

Date: 3/23/2010 5:50:01 PM
Author: kama_s

Date: 3/23/2010 3:41:37 PM

Author: february2003bride


Pandora- This is an issue that we''ve tried discussing before. Basically, because they live in india and their sons in the US, if anything happened to them neither DH nor BIL can easily get there. Since they are getting older, DH and BIL want them here however MIL can not mentally handle it. If anything happens to FIL first, MIL has never driven a car, gone to the bank alone, zero independence. She HAS to live with someone. She definitely doesn''t want to live with us, so she would probably live with BIL however there are religious clashing when she stays with BIL (my inlaws are sikh, and BIL''s wife is muslim) for a long period of time. If MIL passes away first, FIL would want to live with us as he gets along better with DH than BIL, and we have the first grandson

.


We tried them living here in their own apartment and it went very bad. I don''t see us trying that again with them. If the day comes where they have to move to the US, I''m not sure what we''ll do. There would be too many variables for us to decide that today.


It''s funny because my parents are extremely indepedent and never want to live with us (and for the most part have a great relationship). They have everrything planned as to where they will stay once they move out of their home. But, different culture...

I can''t even imagine the drama before the wedding!


It''s great you''re going to have a lot of activities outside the house to get away from the ILs. Good that you''ve already set ground rules with your husband re: what would be a deal breaker. I do hope you''re able to convince him to cut his hours/travel during their visit. Hoping the visit doesn''t wear you thin. BTW, I''m punjabi too (not sikh though), so if you ever need a listening ear/someone to vent to who understands the culture, feel free to hit me up.

Oh dear! I wish I was at that wedding.

 

[Indylady]

Feb, I can understand your situation entirely. I''ve had aunts/cousins/grandparents/family friends come and stay from anywhere from 2 to 6 months. Yup. SIX MONTHS. We''ve even had distant friends come and stay at our house when.we.we''ren''t.there. They stopped by for one night on their way through town. I''m not kidding.

You don''t seem to have much of a choice, though I hate to say it. This is my advice:
Mostly importantly:
1) TV/DVD that will be available to in laws; stock the house with Bollywood movies or get the Indian channel. Trust me, I it will be worth it and they''ll spend a lot of time watching tv. There''s something called the JadooBox and I''m not quite sure how it works, but it could be a good idea.
2) Electric kettle or a Keurig so they can easily make their own tea, and tea and biscuits
Next:
3) See if they would enjoy the library/mall. You might even see if they''d be comfortable taking a bus. They might be offended, but they might also get sick of the house and be up for it.
4) Send them on walks with the kids. Quality time for them, and time off for you.
5) Teach them how to use the microwave/tv/etc and the ways of the house. Or you''ll have to do it every single time.

I know I''m late, but I just wanted to chime in and wish you luck!

 

[february2003bride]

Thank you Indylady! Those were all good ideas that I will keep in mind.

DH and I are doing much better. We''ve decided to make a truce and not get into another heavy discussion (read- 2 day arguement) until the topic comes up with his parents and they decide how long they want to stay. Then we''ll go from there. They could very well decide 2 weeks is all they can handle of their DIL

They could also decide 6 weeks

Regardless though, DH and I have decided to go to a marriage counselor about this. Not because we think our marriage is in trouble, but because this is the one issue that causes this type of tension in our relationship. And let''s face it, his parents could very well be around for another 20 years, potentially even living with us one day... *sigh* So we need an unbiased, third party person who can rationally hear both sides, give us advice, coping techniques (for me while they are here, lol), etc.

DH is going to visit them this weekend which is good. He wants to see them and we figure the more trips to BIL''s the less urgency they''ll have to come stay with us.

I''m still going to stock up on the wine.

 

[packrat]

Good for you guys! My husband doesn''t have the strong family ties and couldn''t give a plug nickle if anyone in the family was offended, but I *do* know what it''s like to not get along w/the MIL, so I really wanted to extend some good thoughts and hugs to you. It won''t be easy I''m sure, but hopefully it will go fast for you! Do you get your "please put up w/my parents" present before or after? I think you should get a lil sumthin to tide you over while they''re visiting and then get something BIG when they''re gone.