Living with the in-laws for 4-6 weeks..how to cope?

[february2003bride]

DH''s parents are coming to the US this week and first are going to BIL''s house in the midwest. At some point, they will want to visit us. DH wants them to decide how long they want to stay. He says as the eldest born son (DH is Indian) that had can not say "Hey Mom and Dad! We''re so excited you''re coming for a visit. Feb03bride and I were thinking 7-10 days?"

We''re at total odds as to how long they can stay. I''m a SAHM and DH works long hours and travels almost every week. He really won''t even BE here for most of their visit. He''ll take one week off but the other 3 (minus weekends) I''m stuck with them. We''re polite to each other but I have serious issues with my MIL. Serious issues. DH is asking me to put that aside for 4 (or so) weeks and I don''t feel I can. DH feels that I should be able to do this for him, that we don''t know how many more times they''ll be able to travel to the US (they are in their late 60''s).

The thought of them coming for 4 (or more!) weeks puts me into a nauseated panic. I feel 10 days is enough but DH says he can not give his parents that option. He wants them to decide how long. I''m at a loss of what to do. Part of my thinks I need to put on my big girl pants and just deal with them and another part of me wants to fight it and push for 2 weeks. I can say though, that if I go the second route, my marriage will be extremely strained. Heck, it already is as we''ve been fighting for two days.

 

[CasaBlanca]

Drugs, lots of them!

 

[Kaleigh]

Oh man I feel for you. Here''s the thing, he needs to put on his big boy pants and see how You feel. He won''t even be there, while you deal with them...

And you are a busy Mom... You will be taking this head on, without any help from him....

That''s not cool.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 3/22/2010 9:58:37 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Oh man I feel for you. Here''s the thing, he needs to put on his big boy pants and see how You feel. He won''t even be there, while you deal with them...

And you are a busy Mom... You will be taking this head on, without any help from him....

That''s not cool.

This was my first thought when I read your post... it seems he just wants you to give in to him, but he isn''t willing to understand your side of it at all. I really feel for you - I don''t know how in the world I would handle my in-laws coming for a month or more, especially if I was a SAHM and had to be around them the whole time! I think 10 days-2 weeks is a pretty long time as it is. He''s a big boy and needs to tell his parents they are more than welcome to spend two weeks at your house (but that''s it). An open-ended invitation for them to stay as long as they want is pretty dangerous, particularly when you''re the one who will be home all the time and your husband won''t even have to be the one to deal with it. Seems kind of unfair.

If you two can''t reach a compromise... then I would go buy a nice bottle of wine (or two).

 

[PumpkinPie]

Kaleigh is absolutely right - wait until everyone else chimes in similarly and show him this thread!
I"m sorry you have this stress on your plate

 

[movie zombie]

perhaps they can go on the road with him so they can have a really nice visit?

mz

ps how do you get along with them for short periods of time?

 

[Allison D.]

I would probably find a way to have a convenient "accident" that would result in my having my jaw wired shut for 4-6 weeks.

Then, I could meet hub's request...........and THEN LORD IT OVER HIM for the rest of his natural life to prevail in any further disputes we have.

Of course, he'd probably rather have me just say no than the latter.

*****

Moving on to answer more seriously, if his parents are in their late 60s and probably not hugely likely to ever return, I'd probably try to dig deep on this one. I wouldn't want to be the reason he denied what could be his parents last request before someone expired, etc. If it's causing this much turmoil in the last two days, I can't imagine the havoc it could wreak down the line if it turns out to be the last thing they ever asked of him.

I WOULD, though, first extract a promise from hub that IF there was a next time after this, all bets would be off and it would be up to HIM to rearrange their visit during a time when he'll be around and make it C.R.Y.S.T.A.L. clear that he'd be the primarily burdened party then.

 

[megumic]

Let him know your parents are coming for 4-6 weeks and that you''ll be dropping in and out while he''s home with your parents and the kids...then see how he feels about this!

But seriously, marriage is about compromise and he''s got to be willing to give and take with this. Four weeks is a freakin long time!!! In all honesty, in 10 weeks, 10 months or 10 years, the visit will not matter - but the principle that your DH could not understand why you are very distressed about this will matter! In the alternate, it is my understanding that in the Indian culture there is a very strong deference and respect to elders no matter the circumstances. Perhaps he feels uncomfortable going against this ingrained cultural aspect??

Good luck. Stock up on whatever it will take to get you through the extended in-law visit!

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 3/22/2010 9:58:32 PM
Author: CasaBlanca
Drugs, lots of them!

CasaBlanca- LOL! I was thinking wine...lots and lots of wine

 

[Lanie]

This is very easy for all of us to say it''s not cool that they would stay for so long, and that you need to set boundaries, etc.

But, it''s a cultural thing. My sister is married to an Indian man and he has told her that when his family comes over to visit, they will most likely come for at least a month. End of discussion. If your inlaws are making the trip over here, that''s a really big deal and difficult to do as an older couple. They are wanting to stay for so long so they can make the trip worth it. I think your husband feels he can''t tell them a time limit bc that is not something a son would tell his parents in his culture. One of my best friends married a girl who is Chinese and her mother runs their lives. He has accepted it. I''m not saying it''s right but that''s just how her family operates. I''m also not saying every Asian family is like this as well. I''m also not saying you should take a back seat to your inlaws. But this could be one of those things that is a huge source of cultural conflict, and for your DH to limit them would be very disrespectful.

No help from me, but this is a cultural issue that you might not win. Maybe others will chime in that have similar inlaw or parental situations.

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 3/22/2010 9:58:37 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Oh man I feel for you. Here''s the thing, he needs to put on his big boy pants and see how You feel. He won''t even be there, while you deal with them...

And you are a busy Mom... You will be taking this head on, without any help from him....

That''s not cool.

Kaleigh- DH and I did talk about it some more tonight on the phone (he''s traveling right now) and he says he does see my side. But that he can''t say to them that they can only come for 7-10 days. He said it would be insulting and that no indian family has their parents stay for only 10 days. Actually, that''s not true, the last visit with us was 16 days

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 3/22/2010 10:26:39 PM
Author: Lilac

Date: 3/22/2010 9:58:37 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Oh man I feel for you. Here''s the thing, he needs to put on his big boy pants and see how You feel. He won''t even be there, while you deal with them...

And you are a busy Mom... You will be taking this head on, without any help from him....

That''s not cool.

This was my first thought when I read your post... it seems he just wants you to give in to him, but he isn''t willing to understand your side of it at all. I really feel for you - I don''t know how in the world I would handle my in-laws coming for a month or more, especially if I was a SAHM and had to be around them the whole time! I think 10 days-2 weeks is a pretty long time as it is. He''s a big boy and needs to tell his parents they are more than welcome to spend two weeks at your house (but that''s it). An open-ended invitation for them to stay as long as they want is pretty dangerous, particularly when you''re the one who will be home all the time and your husband won''t even have to be the one to deal with it. Seems kind of unfair.

If you two can''t reach a compromise... then I would go buy a nice bottle of wine (or two).

Lilac- DH says he sees my side but that it''s family obligation and that he can''t insult them by saying to them they can only stay for X days.

And yes he would prefer if every time they visited if I was all "of course honey! As long as they would like!" That is NOT going to happen

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 3/22/2010 10:43:18 PM
Author: movie zombie
perhaps they can go on the road with him so they can have a really nice visit?

mz

ps how do you get along with them for short periods of time?

Maevie- thank you for responding! I''m not sure what DH''s reaction would be if he read this, lol.

Movie Zombie- Oh, I WISH they could just travel with DH! That would be a great compromise

How we get along is strained politeness. When DH and I first got married and even when we dated and they were visiting, there wasn''t much of an issue. Then during our 2nd year of marriage they tried to live in the US. They were in our area a year and that time was very bad. Very very bad. DH and I almost divorced over it and while it is 6 years later, I still hold a grudge over what happened during that year, particularly to my MIL. Could I survive 4 weeks? Yes. I think I''m a fairly easy going person however, I like my space and I like my privacy and I like my family time since we have so little of it due to DH''s job. My inlaws know no boundries and have no problem following me around the house (MIL) or going through our bills (FIL).

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 3/22/2010 10:45:46 PM
Author: Allison D.
I would probably find a way to have a convenient ''accident'' that would result in my having my jaw wired shut for 4-6 weeks.

Then, I could meet hub''s request...........and THEN LORD IT OVER HIM for the rest of his natural life to prevail in any further disputes we have.

Of course, he''d probably rather have me just say no than the latter.

*****

Moving on to answer more seriously, if his parents are in their late 60s and probably not hugely likely to ever return, I''d probably try to dig deep on this one. I wouldn''t want to be the reason he denied what could be his parents last request before someone expired, etc. If it''s causing this much turmoil in the last two days, I can''t imagine the havoc it could wreak down the line if it turns out to be the last thing they ever asked of him.

I WOULD, though, first extract a promise from hub that IF there was a next time after this, all bets would be off and it would be up to HIM to rearrange their visit during a time when he''ll be around and make it C.R.Y.S.T.A.L. clear that he''d be the primarily burdened party then.

LOL! Couldn''t I just go on a 4 week spa trip??

Yes, his parents are older, there is a good chance this is their last trip unless DH and BIL can convince them to move here and live with one of us. If my DH and BIL can''t convince both of them to come live here then when one of my inlaws passes away, it''s a given one of them will come live in the US. That being said, I told DH that I am trying to be sensitive to the fact that this is the last chance that they will see our kids. They are older, it''s hard to shut down and lock up their house, and then the 18 hour trip here and back. That is a great idea though- that if there are any future visits, it will be arranged around DH''s time off from work.

 

[Kaleigh]

Ok they have to come, I get that.... BUT here''s where YOU put on YOUR big girl panties and lay down the ground rules with your MIL...

They get there, you welcome them nicely... They settle in, and then you say.....

While you are here, this is MY house, and would appreciate the following.... You make a list, that sounds reasonable... nice and neat...

If your husband won''t be there due to business, can he arrange for some plans for them??

Anything to get them out and about??

Heck hire a driver and show them the sights??

Get them tickets to a show??

Just thinking out loud here.....

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 3/22/2010 11:03:57 PM
Author: megumic
Let him know your parents are coming for 4-6 weeks and that you''ll be dropping in and out while he''s home with your parents and the kids...then see how he feels about this!

But seriously, marriage is about compromise and he''s got to be willing to give and take with this. Four weeks is a freakin long time!!! In all honesty, in 10 weeks, 10 months or 10 years, the visit will not matter - but the principle that your DH could not understand why you are very distressed about this will matter! In the alternate, it is my understanding that in the Indian culture there is a very strong deference and respect to elders no matter the circumstances. Perhaps he feels uncomfortable going against this ingrained cultural aspect??

Good luck. Stock up on whatever it will take to get you through the extended in-law visit!

Thanks Megumic! Four weeks is a long freakin'' time! He swears that he sees my side but that it''s an insult to give a time limit. I say it''s an insult to dump and run the inlaws on me! Yes, in the indian culture the inlaws are held to a very high respect. However I''m not indian and I call my MIL by her first name (not Auntie), thye are guests in my house, no she''s not allowed to rearrange my kitchen and I decide how my children are raised. the funny thing is, my husband is very Americanized and swears he was irish in his former life and he dislikes a lot of the indian family obligations. But this, it''s important to him.

 

[kama_s]

Oh, honey. I feel for you. It's impossible to say 'no' to Indian parents. Like you mentioned, they will be insulted and feel disrespected. Especially with him being the oldest - his responsibility in life (according to the traditions in India) is to take care of his aging parents. I just have a few thoughts to share:

1- If he imposes a time limit on their stay, they WILL blame you. Since they don't live in the US, it won't make much difference - but will you be okay with them disliking you?
2- My parents divorced because of in-law (including sibling) issues. I still hold a grudge against them.
3- Could there be a potential for a compromise? Can he make an effort to come home early from work and give you days off to go to the spa/lunch with friends so you can have time away from the in-laws PLUS make it up to you later - perhaps with a sparkling goodie?

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 3/22/2010 11:06:33 PM
Author: Lanie
This is very easy for all of us to say it''s not cool that they would stay for so long, and that you need to set boundaries, etc.

But, it''s a cultural thing. My sister is married to an Indian man and he has told her that when his family comes over to visit, they will most likely come for at least a month. End of discussion. If your inlaws are making the trip over here, that''s a really big deal and difficult to do as an older couple. They are wanting to stay for so long so they can make the trip worth it. I think your husband feels he can''t tell them a time limit bc that is not something a son would tell his parents in his culture. One of my best friends married a girl who is Chinese and her mother runs their lives. He has accepted it. I''m not saying it''s right but that''s just how her family operates. I''m also not saying every Asian family is like this as well. I''m also not saying you should take a back seat to your inlaws. But this could be one of those things that is a huge source of cultural conflict, and for your DH to limit them would be very disrespectful.

No help from me, but this is a cultural issue that you might not win. Maybe others will chime in that have similar inlaw or parental situations.

Lanie- Thank you for your post! Yes, your post sums it up. It is a cultural issue but it''s also a my MIL is a depressed passive aggressive person who will never change. So four weeks feels like eight weeks. But, I love my husband so...

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 3/22/2010 11:33:35 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Ok they have to come, I get that.... BUT here''s where YOU put on YOUR big girl panties and lay down the ground rules with your MIL...

They get there, you welcome them nicely... They settle in, and then you say.....

While you are here, this is MY house, and would appreciate the following.... You make a list, that sounds reasonable... nice and neat...

If your husband won''t be there due to business, can he arrange for some plans for them??

Anything to get them out and about??

Heck hire a driver and show them the sights??

Get them tickets to a show??

Just thinking out loud here.....

Thanks Kaleigh! Unfortunately a list would NOT go over well. MIL is intimated by me a bit as I talk fast, her english is good but not great and MIL is miserable here the entire time. She only stays as long as FIL decides. She''s extremely passive aggressive with other issues as well, but will never change. DH can''t control his travel and he said he''ll try to be home a bit more but honestly, I know his work and he just can''t. I did tell DH that he has to make some plans for them so we can have some space!

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 3/22/2010 11:40:47 PM
Author: kama_s
Oh, honey. I feel for you. It''s impossible to say ''no'' to Indian parents. Like you mentioned, they will be insulted and feel disrespected. Especially with him being the oldest - his responsibility in life (according to the traditions in India) is to take care of his aging parents. I just have a few thoughts to share:

1- If he imposes a time limit on their stay, they WILL blame you. Since they don''t live in the US, it won''t make much difference - but will you be okay with them disliking you?
2- My parents divorced because of in-law (including sibling) issues. I still hold a grudge against them.
3- Could there be a potential for a compromise? Can he make an effort to come home early from work and give you days off to go to the spa/lunch with friends so you can have time away from the in-laws PLUS make it up to you later - perhaps with a sparkling goodie?

KAMA! I was hoping you would post!

I would actually be totally fine with them being mad at me instead of him. They are so passive aggressive anyway, that really, what''s one more grudge? DH did say that there was the potential of a sparkly goodie after the visit and I''m lobbying for it to be before.

DH has promised to try but really, his work is so time consuming I don''t see how he can get home any earlier than he is now

Part of the reason for 4 weeks is they can''t go back to India and have any of the relatives ask how long did they stay, why are they back so soon, etc.

If they come back to soon, the relatives will talk that something bad must have happened and then my inlaws will be ashamed. Ugh. But they can stay 1-6 months per sons'' home and have a horrible time yet since they''ll have stayed the appropriate amount of time, then everything will look ok when they go back home.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 3/22/2010 11:54:57 PM
Author: february2003bride

KAMA! I was hoping you would post!

I would actually be totally fine with them being mad at me instead of him. They are so passive aggressive anyway, that really, what's one more grudge? DH did say that there was the potential of a sparkly goodie after the visit and I'm lobbying for it to be before.

DH has promised to try but really, his work is so time consuming I don't see how he can get home any earlier than he is now

Part of the reason for 4 weeks is they can't go back to India and have any of the relatives ask how long did they stay, why are they back so soon, etc.

If they come back to soon, the relatives will talk that something bad must have happened and then my inlaws will be ashamed. Ugh. But they can stay 1-6 months per sons' home and have a horrible time yet since they'll have stayed the appropriate amount of time, then everything will look ok when they go back home.

Hahahaha. Sorry, I'm laughing because I've heard that plenty of times, even though it leaves me scratching my head. People in India LOVE to gossip, it's what makes the world go round for them. It's all about what people think of them. Blaaahhhh.

See, here's the thing though. I GET your in-laws perspective. I also do understand that your husband can't put a time limit on their visit. But the least he can do is make his hours work in your favour. That would be my biggest issue in this. It's like he can't do this and isn't willing to do that. Which, in my opinion, is not fair. You have to make some serious compromises for his family, he needs to do the same. Something's got to give. KWIM?

Definitely having the goodie prior to their visit would be oh-so-helpful. When your MIL is being a pain and asking for her 10th cup of chai, you can slip into the washroom and go into goodie-oggle world!

 

[swingirl]

I have been married for almost 28 years and my husband and I have been very patient with our in-laws. My mother lived with us for 6 weeks while she had cancer treatments and surgery — several times. My husband "baby sat" my father who had dementia.

Taking care of your parents and in-laws is important in a marriage especially where it''s a cultural responsibility and will cause marital problems if there''s refusal or resentment.

Maybe a way to make it easier for you is to insist your DH be home for dinner and no late hours. Can you engage your in-laws in activities? Cooking, gardening? Can you drop them off at a museum or mall for the day? I feel for you but I think you are going to have to give your husband this "gift" and hope he understands he owes you one!

 

[kama_s]

Date: 3/23/2010 12:26:47 AM
Author: swingirl
I have been married for almost 28 years and my husband and I have been very patient with our in-laws. My mother lived with us for 6 weeks while she had cancer treatments and surgery — several times. My husband ''baby sat'' my father who had dementia.

Taking care of your parents and in-laws is important in a marriage especially where it''s a cultural responsibility and will cause marital problems if there''s refusal or resentment.

Maybe a way to make it easier for you is to insist your DH be home for dinner and no late hours. Can you engage your in-laws in activities? Cooking, gardening? Can you drop them off at a museum or mall for the day? I feel for you but I think you are going to have to give your husband this ''gift'' and hope he understands he owes you one!

I doubt Feb2003 would have any issue looking after her in-laws if they were ill. However, her in-laws almost led them to the brink of divorce, I think it gets a little more complicated than just looking after sick parents, especially when they seem to be in good health and are visiting for pleasure.

 

[swingirl]

Date: 3/23/2010 12:35:27 AM
Author: kama_s

Date: 3/23/2010 12:26:47 AM

Author: swingirl

I have been married for almost 28 years and my husband and I have been very patient with our in-laws. My mother lived with us for 6 weeks while she had cancer treatments and surgery — several times. My husband ''baby sat'' my father who had dementia.

Taking care of your parents and in-laws is important in a marriage especially where it''s a cultural responsibility and will cause marital problems if there''s refusal or resentment.

Maybe a way to make it easier for you is to insist your DH be home for dinner and no late hours. Can you engage your in-laws in activities? Cooking, gardening? Can you drop them off at a museum or mall for the day? I feel for you but I think you are going to have to give your husband this ''gift'' and hope he understands he owes you one!

I doubt Feb2003 would have any issue looking after her in-laws if they were ill. However, her in-laws almost led them to the brink of divorce, I think it gets a little more complicated than just looking after sick parents, especially when they seem to be in good health and are visiting for pleasure.

Oh yes, of course it''s very different and I only used it as an example as what you sometimes have to do for your spouse. And if a spouse is going to make it a deal breaker they better be prepared for the fallout.

 

[movie zombie]

ok, they''re coming to visit and not an easy way out of it....but you almost divorced 6 years ago due to the interactions and you''re still bitter about it...i would be, too, i''m sure.

so, how about putting them up in a hotel/motel/bed and breakfast nearby? limit their time in your home, give you some space, etc. then when your hubby is around, he can entertain them.

lock your bills up in a closet or safe or something. shut doors behind you and lock them if necessary?

mz

 

[yssie]

Date: 3/22/2010 11:03:57 PM
Author: megumic
Let him know your parents are coming for 4-6 weeks and that you'll be dropping in and out while he's home with your parents and the kids...then see how he feels about this!

But seriously, marriage is about compromise and he's got to be willing to give and take with this. Four weeks is a freakin long time!!! In all honesty, in 10 weeks, 10 months or 10 years, the visit will not matter - but the principle that your DH could not understand why you are very distressed about this will matter! In the alternate, it is my understanding that in the Indian culture there is a very strong deference and respect to elders no matter the circumstances. Perhaps he feels uncomfortable going against this ingrained cultural aspect??

Good luck. Stock up on whatever it will take to get you through the extended in-law visit!

Yes, and parents/grandparents of grown children do often stay in their childrens' houses for extended amounts of time.


Trouble is, he's not in India any longer, he didn't marry someone with that same ingrained thought process, and his chosen wife is not comfortable with them setting the terms on their stay due to a bitter history. Your husband needs to step up and meet your (and your daughter's) needs and wants and talk to them, or if he's adamant he needs to find an alternative... and as an only child of Indian upbringing, I understand how hard this will be for him!

 

[Samantha Red]

Oh honey I really feel for you. My parents live in the South of France and we are in the UK. The first Christmas they were away they invited themselves to come and stay with us and then stay until my birthday at the end of January - a total of six weeks. It was hell, the stress was so great the day after they left I became ill and was seriously ill with pneumonia for the next 8 weeks. It was so hard on me trying to keep the peace and keep them and my DH happy, but succeeding in keeping no-one happy, least of all myself. It was horrendous. They came last year for one week and that was much better. Six weeks is just too long IMHO. Is there anyway they could check into a local hotel or B and B for some of the time. My next door neighbour got her Australian father in law to do that when she had just had her baby and it seemed to work fine, because they had the house to themselves for a little bit each day.

Good luck, my heart goes out to you it really does.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I have Indian relatives, so I can relate to this! Actually, it probably applies to any unavoidable relative visit, not just a visit from Indian inlaws.

My tips for survival (pick and choose any that might be helpful):

Lock away anything that is private
Give in and embrace gossip, but knowing that anything you say may be passed on...
Get your MIL to show you how to cook Indian food if you don''t already - it''s a good way to pass a fair bit of time and you are doing something together where you both get something out of it
Know that it''s reciprocal - you''ll be able to stay with them if you ever want to
Maybe accept that it''s going to be quite tough and have some me-time built in (arrange ''appointments'' that you have to attend, even if you just go out for a walk for an hour)

More specific suggestions- get your husband to be home as much as possible during their visit. Insist. I''d make this the non-negotiable aspect, since they will likely be coming whatever happens. I''d suggest talking it through with him so that he understands why you will find it hard (and appreciates that you are prepared to go through with it anyway)

Whatever issues caused the problems between you last time probably need to be discussed in advance too. Ground rules for dealing with them, if possible. I know this is going to be really hard to do, especially if you''re already fighting about it. Is it possible for the two of you to see a counsellor or mediator in advance of their visit? I know that sounds a bit extreme, but if their last visit put your marriage at risk, then you may need a third party to help steer you through this.

I''m sorry you''re stressed about this - I would be too. You can always vent to us about it during the visit!

Bottom line - they love your husband dearly and they probably love you too. When my MIL was driving me nuts on a visit, I had to remind myself of that. It will pass,

Hugs
Jen

 

[CasaBlanca]

So many great responses for you. It seems as if we all want to swoop in and rescue you...as we all have some sort of IL issues. Not sure if that makes you feel any better or not. We (I) always assume everyone else''s in law life is fairy tale-ish...when it is hardly or rarely the case. Heck even mother daughter relationships are strained.

I love all the advice, Mrs Mitchell seems to be adding some positive ways to help make MIL feel welcome and important. Sometimes that really works. Try listening and learning something from her. If just one dish ...she will remember it as your reaching out...not just to her, but her culture-which maybe a pivotal sticking point for her. I would like to add: a memory book gift, hallmark cards have them. Or a family heritage journal. Present it to her and beg her to fill it out for the children. It may keep her occupied and the act alone will exchange respect.

I think any stay longer than 10 days is completely asking way too much of ANYONE. (that isn''t part of a family home sharing culture.) I wonder if a long period stay is their way of insisting you bend to their culture? I have many loving friends who are Indian that 3 or 4 generations live together in small apartments, or 1 bath homes. There is harmony and unity- THIS AMERICAN GIRL HAS NO IDEA HOW THEY ACCOMPLISH THIS FEAT! I bow to their patience and self control.

As Mrs Mitchell suggested...I would also begin locking up important private materials. Organizing drawers and closets...why? Because, after your ten day stint...if you can''t get THEM out of the house...YOU ARE GOING OUT! The seasons are changing and there are parks and museums and library reads waiting for YOU and your kidlet (or kidlets?) forgive me for not knowing which. Get out your calender and community events that are free...and you mark the time and dates with a big permanent marker (non eraseable)..."3 tickets to attend"...or "snack committee"...or "volunteer 1 to 4:00" etc. etc...these are all on the calendar showing after the 10 day stint...you have PLANS. AND YOU KEEP THEM. For your sanity...you leave your home and enjoy things outside your haven. Explore and teach your kidlets new sights and new sounds. Make certain your husband is aware of your plans and you stick to them. It is his job to step in that period and entertain his family. Do not waiver from the calendar...it is written in permanent marker by the way.

Since you have tucked every thing personal away...you have no apprehension of fumbling curiosity...and you relax while away to help refresh and renew your spirit and soul for your return time.

I am hopeful that the pre-stay at BIL''s home, will be so full of great times they will alter their plans and remain there for the length of the US stay...perhaps you are worrying too much ahead of time?

*Oh is there any BFF you have that is having a BABY any time soon? Because if so, she sure could use your help...EVERYDAY and that is the reason you must insist on the 10 day max.

*Isn''t there a class you already signed up for...and can''t get out of?

I just realized I am mimicking MrsMitchell''s advice with finer details...but just in case you need to have a back up plan, we are supporting you to do just that!

The one positive thing I want you to focus on...is these two people, MADE your husband. They also made him the man he is today. The man you choose to love. They had to have done something right to create and mold him to stand out from the others. Haven offend speaks of her unwavering love for her in-laws...how they helped make him the man he is...reading that humbles me and I try to repeat it to myself when my MIL is doing her thing! It has helped me greatly!

If nothing else this PS board is filled with all sorts of experiences. We can all take snipets and advice from each members experiences that can help us forge forward in our own. We all support you and most share in your frustration. Hugs.

PS. The drug thing isn''t a bad back up plan, by the way. (just a joke, so GLAD YOU GOT IT! I can''t drink caffeine or take an aspirin by the way...) But you missed my target... I meant it for THEM!

 

[zipzapgirl]

Don''t forget the code word. There needs to be a code word between you and your husband that pulls him back home within a few hours. A mercy word, if you will. And hubby has to agree to it.

If you end up a blathering mess, it''s only fair to know you can call him home when you really need him.
Just knowing you have the word in your pocket will make you feel better.