Living together before marriage

[TheOptimist]

Lately I''ve been thinking that I want to live with bf at some point, just so I know what it''s like. At the beginning of the relationship, he practically lived with me. But now, we kind of have a set routine of me sleeping over at his place two times a week. I think at some point, it would be nice to not have to pay for two places and live together, I''ve been married before and it does show you alot about the other person --- I want to know if our dynamic will work.

I was just wondering how many of the LIW actually lived with their BF/FI/SO before marriage? Why or why not?

 

[gwendolyn]

J and I definitely will. I''m in an unusual situation, twofold, actually, 1) because he''s from the UK and I''m from the US so we''re an international couple doing the long-distance thing, and 2) because he is ready to get married now (and has been for about a year?) and I''m not. I always thought I was a big dreamy romantic who''d get all wrapped up in the romance of falling for a guy who lives in another country, but that''s not how I turned out at all. I''m in the UK now for the year doing my master''s degree, but even though we''re in the same country (finally!), we''re still 200 miles apart. We see each other once every couple weeks, which is MUCH better than once every 6 months or so, but it''s still ''special time,'' not everyday normal life.

So, yes, I DEFINITELY want to live together before we get engaged.

 

[chocolatefudge]

I live with my SO and we''re not engaged yet. The main reasons were:

1) At my parents house I was sharing a room with my two sisters and it was horrible having no space of my own!
2) Had just graduated and needed soemwhere to do all my work (I''m a teacher) and could never seem to find anywhere to get it done.
3) Couldn''t afford to live on my own, houses are VERY expensive where I live.
4) I really wanted to live with him!

My mum did moan a bit about preferring me to be married before living together as she did, but what am I supposed to do?!? Couldn''t MAKE him marry me! It seems to have turned out well anyway as he was never keen discussing marriage but says he loves us living together and thinks about it a lot now.

 

[CNOS128]

Oh, Gwendolyn, I don''t know how you do it!! when I haven''t seen my boyfriend for 2 weeks I feel like it''s been a year. I guess 2 weeks is better than 6 months, but still...i give you a lot of credit.


I personally only want to live with someone if I''m engaged or married. I just feel like I need that level of commitment before I''m willing to uproot myself and make such a big transition. As it is, I spend all my weekends and 2-3 weekdays with my boyfriend and we share household chores, etc. But I need the security of having my own place until I''m sure it''s going to be ''forever''.

It''s weird, but my brother, who''s lived with all his major girlfriends and still isn''t married, also told me he thinks I''m going about things the right way. Strange boy, he is, but i do value his opinion.

 

[MissDee]

I''ve lived with my BF for 2 years now, and I wouldn''t change a thing. At first I was a little anxious, but it really tells you a LOT about not only eachother, but whether you can actually see yourself with this person for the long haul (as I''m sure you know a few nights a week is much different than every single night).

I guess it''s kind of like ''try before you buy''

.

Now - if you were going to do a long-distance move, to live with your SO, then you may want a higher level of commitment. My SO did a long-distance move for me, so I guess he was sure!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I lived with my previous SO and that taught me a very valuable lesson: living together first is essential for me. Clearly that relationship went down the pooper after a few years of living together or else he wouldn’t have been my “previous” SO.

After getting out of that relationship, fighting to get full control over the apartment we had shared, fighting to keep the darling kitty you see in my avatar and generally fighting about EVERYTHING, I was finally living alone. When I started to date my current SO he asked me after 6 months to move in with him. I declined as I was in absolutely no rush to get in so deep with another person so soon. A year and a half later, when we had been dating for about 2 years, my SO sat me down and explained that for him, living together was essential. He too had lived with a previous girlfriend and he now felt that living together was the truest test of how much your relationship can withstand. About 3 months later, we got our first place together. We lived there for almost 2 years (I think).

Currently, we’ve owned a house together for almost 2 years. I’m so pleased with our home and even more pleased with the fact that we really do have a very good ability to see each other day in and day out and still love each other. Even our animals have learned to accept each other and coexist peacefully together!

 

[sklingem]

For me there is no question that living together is a must before getting engaged and/or married. Honestly, it is not the engagement/marriage part that is the big step but to find out whether you want to spend your life with that person. I think that you can only be (fairly) sure of it by living together and sharing "every-day life" with all the ups and downs. What do you prefer? Setting yourself up for failure by sticking to traditional rules of not living together (and I could think of other things) before marriage or increasing your chances of a long-term relationship (including engagement and marriage) really working out? I choose the latter. It would be a weak consolation for me to "do the right thing by not living together" but then getting a divorce. People ask me about the right time to get married/engaged. I tell them that you know when it is not a question anymore but a logical/desired step that you know is not going to change anything dramatically. Only living together can get you to that point if you want to be honest with yourself and not blindly trust that things will work out "just" because you are engaged/married. Does it mean that other pathways will never work out? Of course not. But I think that the chances of things working out are much greater when you share your life and place together before making any further commitment.

 

[sunnyd]

My BF and I live together, and have essentially since the beginning of our relationship. Seriously. We got together in February, I moved out of my parents (transition, not for the first time) at the end of March, and until he officially moved in (ie, with all his stuff) in August he stayed at his $600/month heated storage unit twice. I wouldn''t recommend it, but it worked for us. We bonded and got really close really quickly, so it worked! When we told his mom that he was moving in, she said "FINALLY!" Haha. But it was also clear that we were going somewhere. That was important too.

So that was a novel, but for me, I have to live with someone before formally committing to anything because I am weird and have habits and annoyances that any roomie would need to deal with. Haha! But this is just one of those things that''s different for everybody.

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 3/7/2008 12:44:53 PM
Author: sklingem
For me there is no question that living together is a must before getting engaged and/or married. Honestly, it is not the engagement/marriage part that is the big step but to find out whether you want to spend your life with that person. I think that you can only be (fairly) sure of it by living together and sharing ''every-day life'' with all the ups and downs. What do you prefer? Setting yourself up for failure by sticking to traditional rules of not living together (and I could think of other things) before marriage or increasing your chances of a long-term relationship (including engagement and marriage) really working out? I choose the latter. It would be a weak consolation for me to ''do the right thing by not living together'' but then getting a divorce. People ask me about the right time to get married/engaged. I tell them that you know when it is not a question anymore but a logical/desired step that you know is not going to change anything dramatically. Only living together can get you to that point if you want to be honest with yourself and not blindly trust that things will work out ''just'' because you are engaged/married. Does it mean that other pathways will never work out? Of course not. But I think that the chances of things working out are much greater when you share your life and place together before making any further commitment.

I think it''s a really personal decision and there''s not one way to go about taking any life step. Some people may not be "setting themselves up for failure" by not living together; plenty of people don''t live together before marriage, and still have happy, healthy unions. I''ve never seen empirical evidence that shows that people who live together have longer marriages. Have you? People also choose not to live together based on reasons other than tradition and "doing the right thing". As for being honest with oneself, I fail to see how living with someone is the "only way" a person can reach this point. Care to elaborate? Not everyone relies on blind faith that things will work out "just because" there''s an engagement or a marriage; you''ve made a huge assumption there.

 

[Aloros]

I guess it depends on the relationship. I know if I''d moved in with my ex, it would have been a TRIAL. We would have broken up soon after moving in together if we hadn''t done so beforehand.

I didn''t feel like I learned anything by moving in with my fiance. We''d spent so much time together beforehand that there were no real suprises or differences in the way we interacted with one another. I knew exactly what I was getting into. We''d already been spending every night at his or my place, helped one another with cleaning & cooking, and influenced one another''s decorating decisions.

I don''t think I''d move in with someone without having "the talk" first. When my fiance and I moved in together, he was in possession of the ring, and we were both clear that we were going to get married to one another. He proposed about a month later.

 

[PostIt]

I''ve always said that I would never live with someone before getting engaged. I went through a period where I said to myself, "Well, we are going to get engaged anyway one day, so why not just move in together?" (We''ve been together for five years and have been looking for a ring for the past year!

) But then I decided to stick to my longstanding gut feeling, and I am really glad I made that decision to be true to myself instead of rushing into a situation that I never envisioned for myself just to see him more often. Anyway, hopefully we will be engaged by May and moved in together by August!

I don''t think there''s anything wrong with living with your BF before engagement/marriage, nor do I believe the statistics on break-ups or divorce. I think if you were going to break up, it was going to happen anyway.

 

[musey]

I'm not a LIW, but I lived with FI before we got engaged. We'll mark 2 years living together in May, and the wedding is in October.

We didn't have particular reasons for moving in together, we just wanted to. Since we didn't have any moral or religious opposition to it, we went ahead and got an apt together. It's been great, no big problems at all, no major adjustments or discoveries. I can understand why some people may not want to, but it's worked fantastically for us.

Some of my friends said "well, why would he marry you if he gets everything he wants without having to commit?" First of all, he was and HAD been committed for a very long time before moved in, and I didn't need a marriage certificate to prove that. Secondly, I wouldn't want a man to propose to me in order to "get" something out of it (this is just me). Thirdly, FI ended up proposing only 9 months into our living together, where he'd originally (years before) said he didn't want to be engaged without living together for at least a year. So there.

In all seriousness, our moving in together seemed to speed the process along, if anything. He found a comfort in our new lifestyle, and any "scariness" of possible marriage melted away (it was more a "oh, this isn't really all that different at all!" realization for him). He saw what marriage truly could be, instead of whatever image(s) he had in his mind, and he liked what he saw.

Everyone's different, though.

 

[jkil0313]

My boyfriend and I have pretty much lived together from the beginning. We are both still in college so I would crash at his dorm instead of driving home at night (I was a commuter to campus). Then when he moved off-campus and I didn''t feel comfortable sleeping at his house everynight I would stay with him til about 2 or 3 am then drive home about 45 mins. then wake up and go back. Most of the time I would fall asleep at his place around 10pm and wake up at 3am. I know crazy but it worked for us since nights were the times we could really only see each other for work or class purposes. But since then I have moved into his house with him and his three male roommates. Been there for the past year and a half and we are getting our own apartment in April. I think you do get to see a lot of your man you wouldn''t normally but I also agree that if you do break up it isn''t just going to be because you didnt live together before marriage.

 

[musey]

Date: 3/7/2008 1:20:31 PM
Author: PostIt

I don't think there's anything wrong with living with your BF before engagement/marriage, nor do I believe the statistics on break-ups or divorce. I think if you were going to break up, it was going to happen anyway.

I actually took a sociology course during my undergrad (~2 years ago, so relatively up-to-date) that was based around pre-marital cohabitation as it effects future marriage/children/etc. There was a LONG thread on that a while back, lemme try to dig it up...


Anyway, the jist of my course was this:
There are three different ways to approach cohabitating (or not):
-1) As a matter of convenience
-2) As a "trial" period before getting engaged
-3) As a stop-off on the way to getting engaged
(numbers 2 and 3 sound similar, but in the mind-set of the cohabitors they are VERY different arrangements)
-4) NO cohabitation as a result of religious training or moral upbringing

Option (1) leads to the lowest rate of future marriage.
Option (2) is next.
Option (3) has the highest rate of "successful" marriage for cohabitors (as in, no divorce after min. 10 years)
Option (4) has the highest rate of "successful" marriage, period (as in, no divorce after min. 10 years)


Okay, here comes the complication...

Option (1) has the lowest marriage rate, but you have to question whether that's because of the arrangement itself or whether the stats are skewed because of people who moved in together with no intention of getting married, ever.

Option (2) has a lower marriage rate than (3), presumably because if you treat it as a "trial" (aka "We'll get married if this works out"), that gives an easier out... than Option (3), in which cohabitors are entering with full intentions TO get married, without the "if it goes well" mindset.

Option (4) has the highest success rate, but you have to question whether that's because the religious/moral objections to pre-marital cohabitation would ALSO come along with religious/moral objections to DIVORCE. So, "success" does not necessarily mean that those marriages are happy, just that the people in them would choose to stay regardless of the status of the relationship.

Keeping in mind the conflict between option 3 and 4, studies had shown that the highest rate of marriages which are both "successful" and happy resulted from option 3, not option 4. That is not to say that people entering marriage having not lived together will inherently be less "happy," just that people entering marriage having lived together are presumably making a more "informed" decision. There is still a lot of controversy/contention over that point.


There were a lot more factors playing into the stats (like certain ethnic groups who value procreation above marriage, and will forgo marriage if it's financially out of their reach... but WILL NOT forgo childbearing, EVEN IF it's financially out of their reach). But those are the basics.

Anyway, sorry for getting all academic, but that's what the course was about.

 

[FrekeChild]

Yay Musey! I had a Marriage, Family and their Alternatives class last term and we went over that stuff too. There was the really religious girl who wouldn't shut up about the divorce rate being higher for people who cohabit and that it was living in sin and blah blah blah blah blah.

I live with BF. We've lived together officially for a year and two months. The only complication we've had is that I'm super clean and he's super messy. Other than that, no conflicts.
We've lived together unofficially for a year and 9 months...here's the story:

D had open heart surgery to correct a birth defect in July of 2006, which includes his breast bone being sawed in half-so he couldn't lift anything afterwards for about 2 months that was over 5 pounds. So I became his caretaker at that point, and although I was already kind of living with him, I really actually moved in so I could do his laundry, wash dishes, etc. Wow I sound like a slave.

Anyway, I continued living with him afterwards because my parents were renovating a condo for me to live in, and I had started school that was closer to his place than my apartment. About 2 months after the surgery we found out that his health insurance didn't cover everything (we're talking about 100k for the whole nine yards, but about 4k for what they didn't cover) and that he'd have to pay that himself. As a grad student, any extra bills are a huge financial burden, and on top of the rent-he was hurting financially.

Well, we had talked about getting married even before his surgery, and now there was a reason to live together besides taking that next step towards engagement. I talked to my mom about his bills (she's a staunch Catholic) and she suggested that he move into the condo with me and pay a small amount of "rent" to them every month. So December 31 2006/Jan 1 2007 (we had a huge snow storm on the 29th -12 inches- the whole city shut down and we couldn't get the car out) we finished moving all of his stuff over to my place.

It's been fantastic ever since then and only cemented that we want to get married sometime in the future.

 

[Octavia]

I'm just in the process of switching my license, credit cards, magazines, etc. to FI's address. Even though my apartment's lease doesn't expire for a few more months, it's pretty much a done deal. We sort of gradually started living together -- at first, I would stay over occasionally, then I stayed over more and more until I barely go to my own place, just to check mail or if there's something there I need to get. It was silly of me to sign a lease for this year, because we really started "living together" before I did so, but I didn't want to give up the security of having my own apartment without some formal sign of commitment. Up until a couple months ago, I was a bit stressed because I didn't think we'd get engaged as soon as we did, and I didn't really want to move in with him before we were engaged...but fortunately, he's wonderful and (without even realizing that he was doing so, because I was still mulling things over internally and hadn't brought it up yet) he solved my dilemma for me

Unfortunately, now I have to start dealing with the realities of "shacking up," mainly the fact that I have a whole apartment full of stuff, and he has a whole apartment full of stuff, and it's not all going to fit in one place. And I tend to be a packrat. Sigh.

 

[sandia_rose]

I was previously married. When I got pregnant unexpectedly, my then-BF moved in with me. He owned his own condo and I owned one, too - we moved into mine because mine had another bedroom (my office, which became the baby's room) and was larger/nicer. We got married when my son was a little over a year old and we sold our condos in favor of buying a house. In my case, I was so preoccupied with being pregnant and then being a new mom that anything outside that universe didn't register. What I should have noticed was my BF's behavior/quirks. If I had noticed these things beforehand (or at least put a critical eye to them), I wouldn't have married him. And now, since real estate has skyrocketed where I live, I can't afford to buy back into the condo complex I lived in before (and loved). I can't afford to buy anything here on my own right now, so I rent. I hate renting, because the last time I rented, I was in my early 20s and I will be 40 this year. So I am essentially back to square one regarding housing.

Fast-forward to now. I have been seeing my BF for two years. He owns a house. The problem with his house is that it's too small for two more people and their stuff. I'm not a pack rat and live pretty minimalistically -- it's just that his house is a 3BR, 40s ranch house. He bought the house in a hurry after his divorce because he needed the tax shelter for his business and it was the only thing he could afford at the time, given that all of his money was tied up in the house that he and his ex owned (and which took forever to sell). Him selling the house and us buying something together is not an option right now because he a) wants to keep his daughter in the same school district and b) he bought his house for far below what anything else in town is going for because it needed work and was part of an estate (old woman had died and her family just wanted to unload it quick). Neither of us has the money to put into the house to make it sale-ready. You're talking updating electrical, re-doing wood floors, a new roof, landscaping the part of the yard that has a nasty slope -- it's not as simple as a coat of paint or curtains. The old lady who owned the house was single with no kids and lived in it for over 50 years....so imagine some of the stuff that needs to be done that had never been done. So, he's now thinking of putting an addition onto the house to create a 2 car garage and a 2 room "master suite" with a bedroom loft and bathroom with shower above it. That would actually be cheaper than getting the house sale-ready...which can be done gradually anyway. That's the thing: you can live with things that, if you were looking to purchase a house, would be unacceptable for you to walk into. Heck, when I sold the house my ex-husband and I owned, we got demands from buyers to change the tile in the bathroom, take down the kitchen wallpaper, etc. -- things that didn't hamper living in the house! But you get the point: when you buy a house, you'd like it to be perfect....and his house is not perfect right now. Back to the addition - that suite would be ours and would free up space in the main part of the house. His house is also the smallest on the street, and doing that would make his house more comparable to others in the neighborhood (and thus easier to sell later). This is not a quick fix or a cheap fix. He has his own contracting business and can get some of the work done via barter/trade with other contractors he knows, but still. And then there is the "ownership" part of the deal. I've told him that if he intends for me to move in with him and to finance part of the addition, then I would need a legal contract that protects my money and then, after the addition is added, a re-fi to add me to the mortgage. I don't want to pay for something that, if we broke up, I would also lose the equity I helped build. Also, I don't want to move in with him and become the "serial girlfriend." If I move in with him, I need to be engaged with a timeline to get married.

On one hand, yes, I would need to live with a man for at least a year before I made the marriage decision. But on the other hand, I don't want to move in and then find myself in "waiting to be engaged" oblivion created by him "getting the milk for free." Right now, I spend a few nights a week (when I don't have my son) at his place. Like Octavia, I don't like paying a monthly rent when I am only physically in my apartment 15 or 20 days, and I do need the security of having my apartment to go back to when something goes wrong. I don't see a better option given everything I explained above.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[littlelysser]

DH and I bought a house together three years before we were married and about a year and a half before we got engaged.

We got married in September of 2007.

We''d decided to move in together because it was silly not to. We were together 5 or 6 nights a week. We wanted to get a dog. I guess when we decided to buy our house we knew that we were going to be spending a long time together. I think we both assumed we''d get married, but had no expectations or rush to actually get married.

We decided to buy because it made the most sense for us financially. And I must say, we''ve been living in our house for almost four years - building equity, making improvements - and I haven''t regretted buying it.

 

[Jban]

For me I think about it but I couldn''t do it. My FI and I live in other cities but I will say that when we visit each other we tend to stay in other rooms so that we don''t get too comfortable (yes we are waiting until marriage to "get it on"). I will say that we have learned a lot about each other over the past 2 years (we have been friends for 16) but I wouldn''t have it any other way. And when he moves here later this year we are still planning to live seprate. Both decisions (not living together & abstaining) are religious decisions. I do have strong feelings that these things are wrong but I say that as adults you can do what you want and what works best for me may not work best for you but there are benefits and consequences for any decision.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[honey22]

We met when we were in our final year of high school, a week before I turned 18. We were inseparable from day 1. We always slept at each other's places (we both still lived at home). About a year into our relationship, my Dad 'hired' him to do some odd jobs, landscaping etc around the house. He stayed over the whole time (about 2 weeks). When the jobs were finished my Dad said to him, well, I guess you are moved in right?! And gave him a set of house keys. Yes, my parents were obviously very cool about the whole living/sleeping togther under their roof thing. He moved into my bedroom and we lived as a couple. We quite often stayed at his Mum's place too (he still had a room there if we wanted to sleep over). His Mum was the same as ours. We were treated like adults and they were always very respectul of our relationship.

I think that helped to cement the relationship P has with my parents. They love him to bits (the golden hair child that can do no wrong......... lol). We are more like friends with my parents. It's great.

About 5 (?) years later, we moved into his Mum's to give my parents a break (they now had my sister's partner spending a lot of time there). We lived there for nearly year, when my parents inherited a house, and we moved into that (half price rent - yay). Very nice to live by ourselves!! It really changes the dynamics of a relationship. I think that if we had have lived by ourselves much earlier, we would have got married earlier. After about three years, we built our first home together. We live here with our two 'kids' Honey and Bailey. It's our 12 year anniversary in July - I can't believe it's been 12 years since I saw that sexy guy with the long blonde hair at a high school party - turned to my friend and said, see that guy over there - I don't know who he is, but he will be mine one day!! So very cliche but after three months we were together, and the rest they say, is history.

 

[mamie]

My BF and I have been living together for 3.5 years. For the first year of our relationship I technically lived with my parents, but I stayed practically every night at his apartment that he shared with a male roommate. I decided I couldn''t deal with living in a bare bones bachelor pad and felt I was doing his roommate a disservice so I suggested we get our own place.

I''m glad we did. In my previous long-term relationship I swore I would never live with a BF before marriage (milk, cow, blah blah blah), but reality crept in. It just made sense, economically and relationship-wise. It has allowed me to see the "ugly" side of what our day-to-day married life would be like. I''m now all too familiar with the numerous annoying habits he has, but it''s also shown me a lot of things about myself -- forced me to mature and transition from being a college student to the adult world of rent, bills, housekeeping, etc.

In all honesty, living together has probably made him feel very comfortable (in that we aren''t engaged yet). But since our enagement is three weeks away and the ring has been purchased, I''m pretty relieved that he wants to make it permament, even after seeing my less than glamarous, whiny, bitchy days!

 

[MoonWater]

I''ve been with my SO for 5 years and we have been living together for 4. We designed our ring last Fall and are in the process of finding a diamond. I would never marry someone if I have never lived with them first. I love living by myself, and there are only a few personalities I can tolerate on a day to day basis. I had to know if we could stand each other habits. However, we moved in together originally for convenience. Beforehand, we made a list of the pros and cons. One of the pros was that "it could be permanent" and so it will be.

 

[galeteia]

There was an explosive thread about the milk and cow issue on here a while back, and it brought up some interesting points about this choice.

I personally am not comfortable with buying the car without driving it first. I''ve had my share of cars that looked like a porsche and drove like a riding lawnmower, so to speak, and am glad I found out and ended the relationships in question.

 

[musey]

Date: 3/7/2008 8:31:36 PM
Author: MoonWater

I would never marry someone if I have never lived with them first. I love living by myself, and there are only a few personalities I can tolerate on a day to day basis. I had to know if we could stand each other habits.

YES! I gotta admit, after three NOT GREAT roommates, I was a little nervous when I moved in with FI. None of my former roommates had ANY respect for shared space or boundaries.

But I've found living with him quite easy. As he puts it, "when you love someone, you care enough to try not to do the things that annoy the crap outta them."

 

[goodfun7580]

I live with my boyfriend, and I love living with him, and we plan to get engaged in the next year. I feel like whether you live with a guy or not, its not going to change things either way. If a guy wants to marry you, he will propose regardless of you living together, or not. So do what your heart tells you and know that if he truly wants to marry you, he will even if he''s getting the milk for free.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

We have been living together on and off, mostly on, since we started dating over 4 years ago. I have yet to come across a single con of doing it that way and would not change a thing.
It is a lot cheaper
We don''t have to do the chores we hate ie, I hate doing dishes and he hates cleaning the bathroom so if we were seperate would would have to do the hated chores
We get to spend a lot more time together which cements the relationship
our cats live together so they don''t get lonely
I get to wake up to him every morning which makes my day better
we know how to live with each other so we don''t have to try and sort it out while moving in togehter, getting married, dealing with family, etc
it makes our realtionship more "real" to our families which is a major plus when dealing with FMIL

It does take away some of the novelty and excitement of getting married, but I am glad for that too. My FI grew up in a rural area and his friends didn''t live together before marriage, were so excited about that part that they picked bad partners and got divorces. I met my FI when I was 18, far too young for me to get married but living together took off the pressure to do so.

 

[musey]

Date: 3/7/2008 8:38:59 PM
Author: goodfun7580

I feel like whether you live with a guy or not, its not going to change things either way.

I think the only thing it ever changes is that you may "find out before it''s too late," so to speak. Otherwise it''s kinda all the same, whether you make the transition after the wedding or before.

 

[aliciagirl]

My SO and I lived together for the summer... he got an internship in my city and lived with me. But once he started back to university, he moved back to being about 100 miles away. He''s graduating in May and will be getting his own apartment somewhere. I start my rotations in September and will join him wherever he ends up.

We''ve been long distance for all of our relationship (minus this summer) so we are definitely ready to be able to see one another more often. We''re hoping to be engaged before we "officially" live together, though.

 

[KimberlyH]

My husnand and I did not live together before marriage. We met when we were 27/36 (or close to those ages) and dated long distance for a bit less than a year before I moved closer to him. We dated for another 10 months or so, while living in the same city, before getting engaged. When I moved we decided we should learn to live in the same city before trying to live in the same house.

We were married 9 months after getting engaged at 29/38. Neither of us had lived with a SO prior to meeting one another and we figured we''d waited that long, we may as well wait until we were married.

I have no moral/religious basis for not living together, it''s just what worked for us, and we''ve settled into married life (about a year and a half, so we''re still newlyweds in my mind) quite nicely.

I can understand why some feel strongly about living together, or not, but the argument that either is the best way is just silly. It''s a very personal decision and people need to do what works for them and their relationship without worrying about what everyone else is doing, or thinking about what they''re doing.

 

[smiles]

musey well said. just to add a few things:
1. one reason the "trial" option often does not work out is because people entering this type of cohabitation are often still on their best behaviour. the roles/responsibilities they take on may not reflect how life would be 10 yrs from that point if they were still married.
2. another reason cohabiting in general can (does not always) lead to lower marriage satisfaction is because couples go from this superexciting pre-engagement, engagement stage to a super exciting wedding stage to a superfun honeymoon and couples return to their normal every day lives and are kinda like "well now what?" if you havent lived together you ease into normalcy a little more as living together will still be exciting and creating a home...
3. also in general though a trial? if the trial doesnt end well and you break up then you likely arent in it enough to really work on the relationship. if it does end well but you only decided to get married based on the success of the trial one has to wonder if they are really meant for each other etc...
just food for thought

if couples communicate well and are open about expectations etc.. cohabiting doesnt have to end badly... it often works just depends on the people and they way they see it!