Letting go

[Mrs Mitchell]

I would have let it go, maybe after a reminder in case DH had genuinely fogotten. It would drive me to the brink of insanity to live with a nag, so I try to reign in my own control tendencies on the do unto others principle.

I don''t care what anyone thinks of us as a couple. Nothing any other adult does reflect well or badly on me, because I am not that other adult. I think it''s a little disrespectful to try to mould another person''s behaviour unless they are your child.

I think the last post you made is interesting, Kenny. He did it himself anyway. I wonder how many people resist doing certain things because they feel nagged about them or because experience has taught them that their SO will attend to it for them eventually so they needn''t bother.

 

[MissMina]

You are describing me to a T.
What if from now on you just don''t take messages of this sort for your partner?
Have the caller phone again when he will be home, call his cell etc.
Take the onus off of you.
You won''t have to let go of something you never had control over.

 

[House Cat]

Date: 5/22/2010 2:56:52 PM
Author:kenny
When it comes to relationships I''m working on letting go, or identifying what''s my job and what is not.

Here''s an example.
I don''t watch TV but my SO does.
One of our mutual friends called two days ago to invite my SO to a party to watch the final episode of LOST.
She knows I don''t watch TV so didn''t put me on the spot by inviting me, which was nice.
She said she needs an RSVP since they are planning food and drink and it is not even in her home.

I told my SO he was invited and she wants an RSVP.
I don''t know whether he called her back or not.
I suspect not since he said he doesn''t watch that show.

Now here''s the deal and the point of this thread.
I''m not going to nag him or worry about it.
I did my job by relaying the info.
It is not my job to make sure he calls her.
I have to remind myself to let go of thinking it reflects poorly on me if he does not bother to call her.

What would you do in this situation?
Do you think I have an obligation to get back to her since I was the one she talked to?
Or do you think my attitude is too self-centered and I''m not being a ''team-player''?

If you are trying to let go for your own mental health, then what you have written here is spot on. Sometimes, we can spend too much time worrying about what others are doing and that actually takes much needed energy away from ourselves. There is nothing self centered about it. You are allowing him to manage his outside relationships in a way that he sees fit. You are also allowing yourself to keep your own energy for other, more positive ventures. Those positive ventures will most likely have a direct impact on your relationship because you will feel more refreshed and loving in the long run. In a way, you are being more of a "team-player" by letting go....

 

[sillyberry]

Date: 5/22/2010 6:14:48 PM
Author: yssie

Date: 5/22/2010 5:13:25 PM

Author: sillyberry

Date: 5/22/2010 4:55:01 PM

Author: kenny

I''m clear it does not reflect poorly on me.
I''m just not sure about whether it reflects poorly on us, since we are a couple.
Is it each individual''s job to look out for the impression the couple makes.

Or do people not think that way?

I''ve always thought that the impression a couple makes is stuff like how you interact in public - so fighting or bickering when you''re out would reflect poorly on you as a couple. Otherwise, each individual stands alone.

I guess if you''re with someone who is rude or thoughtless (not saying you are) a third party might question your judgement, but I think that is a different issue.

I think raikai nailed it - to an extent, you can''t be held responsible for the choices of another adult, only how you choose to respond to and interact with him/her. If there was a persisting issue (one person consistenly fails to respond in a timely manner, say) and it wasn''t addressed then I do think it will reflect poorly on the couple, as they''re ''failing'' to help each other be a ''better'' team.

She always says super smart things, so I''m going to take that as a compliment.