Let's discuss: Is it better to receive a surprise engagement ring, or pick it yourself?
- Thread starter pearaffair
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LetLoveRule
Shiny_Rock
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My partner proposed with an interim ring. He had ordered an actual engagement ring but didn't want to wait for it to come in as it took a little while (interstate). We had talked about marriage but I didn't know when he would propose, so it was a surprise!
He thought I wanted a tanzanite ring because I apparently said that a few years ago but I actually wanted a diamond ring. I had a little bit of time to look into diamonds and rings before the ring arrived and by then had decided to go for a custom ring instead of a ring from a chain jeweller. I ended up designing my ring while wearing my interim ring. People still think it's an engagement ring, even though it's silver with a zirconia.
I'm really happy with how things turned out. Proposed to with a beautiful interim ring that I'll wear until my dream engagement ring is finished and maybe then turn it into a RHR or wear it when my diamond ring is not the best choice. Best of both options
He thought I wanted a tanzanite ring because I apparently said that a few years ago but I actually wanted a diamond ring. I had a little bit of time to look into diamonds and rings before the ring arrived and by then had decided to go for a custom ring instead of a ring from a chain jeweller. I ended up designing my ring while wearing my interim ring. People still think it's an engagement ring, even though it's silver with a zirconia.
I'm really happy with how things turned out. Proposed to with a beautiful interim ring that I'll wear until my dream engagement ring is finished and maybe then turn it into a RHR or wear it when my diamond ring is not the best choice. Best of both options
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- Apr 11, 2018
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Both!
Husband bought the diamond. Can’t really go wrong with a WF ACA.
We then designed the ring together.
THe proposal came later as a surprise. The brief was “i want to be surprised. if it’s not good enough, I’m keeping the ring and you’re doing it again”
Proposal was pulled off perfectly.
Husband bought the diamond. Can’t really go wrong with a WF ACA.
We then designed the ring together.
THe proposal came later as a surprise. The brief was “i want to be surprised. if it’s not good enough, I’m keeping the ring and you’re doing it again”
Proposal was pulled off perfectly.
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This is a truly interesting thread to read. I do love PS!
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Loving people's answers and especially some of these solutions that are somewhere in the grey area in between complete surprise and complete control of what is chosen--interim rings, unset-stones, etc. Surprise can exist on a spectrum, it seems! My current e-ring/proposal is also somewhere in the middle. Please indulge me as I'm going to go on a bit of a tangent, but I think it's related
I'm actually on my second marriage. While my current partner is male, my first marriage was to another woman Same-gender relationships have a variety of dynamics (same as everyone else's relationship!) but the common thread is there are no set societally-defined gender roles as default. No default expectation of who takes out the trash, fixes the broken toilet, provides for the family, cooks dinner, PROPOSES For some, this might be a nightmare. For me, it was a dream to have a partnership where everyone did what they were best at, with no push-back for being outside of 'typical' roles or lazy assumptions ("Let me do it, girl's can't read a measuring tape!") So: I cooked, she cleaned, we both can fix the toilet, nobody wants to take out the trash so we have to take turns and when we knew we were ready to be married, I did the early legwork (because that's what I'm good at and interested in) and then we picked out our dream rings together We didn't have a surprise one-sided proposal because that's not what either of us were into as individuals. If we were both surprise proposal sort of people, I'm sure it would have played out differently. Either way, we had the freedom to avoid expectations of how a proposal should be, because there was no default expectation that one of us should have to propose to the other, because of gender Like I said: a nightmare for some. Perfect for me
When we eventually parted ways, and down the road I married my current husband, one of the things I was happy to bring to the relationship was that sense of freedom outside gender roles. There is no "supposed to". I still love to cook. I'm still terrible at cleaning (he's in charge!) and still, we can both fix the plumbing
My ring and our proposal was in the grey area of surprise, because surprise was important to him, so we worked a little bit in. We looked together to get a sense of metal color/stone size/general style (and I shared my general preferences: don't spend too much! nothing too blingy!). He picked a setting and stone on his own. He proposed as a 'surprise'--I knew was coming, but not when. Anyone around at the time I was posting on the LIW board knows that was not my favorite part 
but in the end I'm happy we ended up somewhere in the middle with a proposal and ring that let us each have a bit of what we wanted, as individuals.
I'm actually on my second marriage. While my current partner is male, my first marriage was to another woman
Same-gender relationships have a variety of dynamics (same as everyone else's relationship!) but the common thread is there are no set societally-defined gender roles as default. No default expectation of who takes out the trash, fixes the broken toilet, provides for the family, cooks dinner, PROPOSES For some, this might be a nightmare. For me, it was a dream to have a partnership where everyone did what they were best at, with no push-back for being outside of 'typical' roles or lazy assumptions ("Let me do it, girl's can't read a measuring tape!") So: I cooked, she cleaned, we both can fix the toilet, nobody wants to take out the trash so we have to take turns and when we knew we were ready to be married, I did the early legwork (because that's what I'm good at and interested in) and then we picked out our dream rings together We didn't have a surprise one-sided proposal because that's not what either of us were into as individuals. If we were both surprise proposal sort of people, I'm sure it would have played out differently. Either way, we had the freedom to avoid expectations of how a proposal should be, because there was no default expectation that one of us should have to propose to the other, because of gender Like I said: a nightmare for some. Perfect for me When we eventually parted ways, and down the road I married my current husband, one of the things I was happy to bring to the relationship was that sense of freedom outside gender roles. There is no "supposed to". I still love to cook. I'm still terrible at cleaning (he's in charge!) and still, we can both fix the plumbing
My ring and our proposal was in the grey area of surprise, because surprise was important to him, so we worked a little bit in. We looked together to get a sense of metal color/stone size/general style (and I shared my general preferences: don't spend too much! nothing too blingy!). He picked a setting and stone on his own. He proposed as a 'surprise'--I knew was coming, but not when. Anyone around at the time I was posting on the LIW board knows that was not my favorite part but in the end I'm happy we ended up somewhere in the middle with a proposal and ring that let us each have a bit of what we wanted, as individuals.
Last edited:
holeydonut
Shiny_Rock
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- Aug 20, 2018
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- 263
My two cents...
My fiance wanted to be part of the design of her ring, but also wanted to be surprised. I think some people accomplish this by getting a diamond in a simple setting, proposing as a surprise, then re-designing a setting later.
A subtle problem with that approach is that the diamond selection itself can impact what settings are used.
During preliminary discussions with some jewelers, it seemed that halo settings in platinum necessitated whiter diamonds to avoid contrasting as coming across as yellow. Similarly, it seemed that round brilliant was what interested her the most... and some round brilliants (especially ones with small tables and shallow cuts) seem to work better in certain ring designs.
Compounded on all this was the issues of fluorescence, prong # and shapes, and it just became an exercise where we came up with a target design of the setting alongside the diamond selection and just put all that up front.
So now she knows what the ring looks like, what the diamond looks like, but not when the it shows up.
At this point, there should be no doubt what her response would be when the all important question haha. And I don't have to worry about the diamond or ring being a design that she doesn't appreciate, or having the ring have to go away for a few days for re-sizing, modification, design, etc.
My fiance wanted to be part of the design of her ring, but also wanted to be surprised. I think some people accomplish this by getting a diamond in a simple setting, proposing as a surprise, then re-designing a setting later.
A subtle problem with that approach is that the diamond selection itself can impact what settings are used.
During preliminary discussions with some jewelers, it seemed that halo settings in platinum necessitated whiter diamonds to avoid contrasting as coming across as yellow. Similarly, it seemed that round brilliant was what interested her the most... and some round brilliants (especially ones with small tables and shallow cuts) seem to work better in certain ring designs.
Compounded on all this was the issues of fluorescence, prong # and shapes, and it just became an exercise where we came up with a target design of the setting alongside the diamond selection and just put all that up front.
So now she knows what the ring looks like, what the diamond looks like, but not when the it shows up.
At this point, there should be no doubt what her response would be when the all important question haha. And I don't have to worry about the diamond or ring being a design that she doesn't appreciate, or having the ring have to go away for a few days for re-sizing, modification, design, etc.
jbake
Brilliant_Rock
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- Mar 30, 2018
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Our proposal was somewhere in the middle, too. I gave him my ideal parameters & the item number for the setting I liked. I didn’t know his budget, so I tried to be conservative in what I was asking for. I think I ended up telling him I’d like a princess cut, at hopefully 3/4ths carat or larger, eyeclean SI, G-H. He delivered a 1.22ct, VS2, F colored princess in the exact setting I outlined.
The proposal was a complete surprise when he picked me up on a Tuesday after my last class for the day. We went to his apartment & he had set out a planner he knew I wouldn’t be able to resist looking through. On that day’s entry he had written, “Will you marry me?” He had also written me a love letter in the “Notes” section at the back of the planner. Then I was able to used the planner for all our wedding plans & dates.
8+ years later, I still love the stone but recently reset it into a more delicate solitaire. That does make me think I am more sentimental about what he picked out for me vs what I’ve picked out for myself.
The proposal was a complete surprise when he picked me up on a Tuesday after my last class for the day. We went to his apartment & he had set out a planner he knew I wouldn’t be able to resist looking through. On that day’s entry he had written, “Will you marry me?” He had also written me a love letter in the “Notes” section at the back of the planner. Then I was able to used the planner for all our wedding plans & dates.
8+ years later, I still love the stone but recently reset it into a more delicate solitaire. That does make me think I am more sentimental about what he picked out for me vs what I’ve picked out for myself.
MsCocoChanel
Rough_Rock
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- Mar 30, 2017
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- 100
I think it depends on the individual but agree with PPs who mentioned that their proposal was "somewhere in between". I had told my fiancé the diamond shape I preferred and shown him the side baguette setting I liked on several different sites. However, the actual proposal was a complete surprise and I didn't even know he had purchased the ring yet.
In retrospect, however, I wish I had been more involved. While I absolutely love the ring and diamond he picked out I feel he could have had a better quality setting made by another vendor (he chose JA which is fine but the craftsmanship isn't the best) and that I may have been able to find a larger face up round stone with no fluorescence within his budget. He just chose based on the report and didn't take into account for example the carat weight and dimensions of the stone.
I honestly thought he would have asked me before purchasing because we have a very open relationship and it was clear we were getting engaged. I probably should have told him I wanted to be more involved when we had our initial and only discussion. But I love that he picked it out regardless and will always cherish the ring and what it actually represents.
In retrospect, however, I wish I had been more involved. While I absolutely love the ring and diamond he picked out I feel he could have had a better quality setting made by another vendor (he chose JA which is fine but the craftsmanship isn't the best) and that I may have been able to find a larger face up round stone with no fluorescence within his budget. He just chose based on the report and didn't take into account for example the carat weight and dimensions of the stone.
I honestly thought he would have asked me before purchasing because we have a very open relationship and it was clear we were getting engaged. I probably should have told him I wanted to be more involved when we had our initial and only discussion. But I love that he picked it out regardless and will always cherish the ring and what it actually represents.
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- Jan 9, 2008
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- 8,209
Mine was a total surprise engagement. I know that might sound strange, like “didn’t you talk about marriage?” We had not. We were alreafy 30 and TOTALLY dedicated though. He caught me totally by surprise. First date to wedding was less than 2 years. It’s a magical memory for both of us. I completely understand how that would not work for everyone!!
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