LDR''s -- Who''s the More Adaptable One?

[TCBug]

Here''s the question: "Who''s the more adaptable one in your long-distance relationship?" I hate to say it, but I''ve discovered that I am.

DH and I were married 6 years when I started law school in New York. (He was already an MBA with a job on Wall Street.) Immediately upon graduating, I followed him to the midwest for his career. Then, I practiced law for 11 HAPPY YEARS in the midwest. I became a partner in my law firm, LOVED my job, was invited to join boards, generally made a name for myself in the community, etc. BUT THEN, DH was transferred back to NYC for his career!

You know what? I didn''t follow him at first. In fact, not for 1.5 years! We flew to see each other 2x per month. But it was hard -- no direct flights and sometimes we got stranded in Atlanta, Dallas, Chicago, etc.) It ALWAYS took 6 hours to get "there." But still, despite the fact we''d been married almost 18 years, I was sooooo happy with my career and my friends that I didn''t follow him.

Then it finally hit me: I''M THE MORE ADAPTABLE ONE. HE''S NEVER GOING TO BE HAPPY IN THE MIDWEST. What a rocket! I''m not thrilled about this revelation. You might call me grumpy. But I''m the more adaptable one, damnit! And our 20th anniversary is on 12/23. . . .so somebody PLEASE tell me to just relax and that I''ll get a job in NYC at some point. . .

 

[codex57]

Considering the HUGE legal market in NY and the fact that you''re a partner, you shouldn''t have trouble finding a job. You may not be a partner at first, but you should be able to find a good paying job.

 

[TCBug]

Thanks, codex57!

The job search is slow but sure. I WILL become employed and I truly appreciate your encouragement.

But my real question is about how people put an end to a LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP (LDR).

At some point, both parties in an LDR want to come together, right? Sooo, how is that going to happen? Who''s going to move for the other? It doesn''t matter if you''re new in your relationship or have been married for 18+ years like me. Who''s the more adaptable one? Who can/will give up all they have ever known and worked for?

This is scary stuff. I want the PS "movers" and the "movees" to think about how difficult this will be. PLEASE be kind to the "mover!" (Thank goodness, so far my DH has been a gem -- but I''m still missing my former life.)

 

[Cehrabehra]

I''m not in an LDR but I have to say that it is me as well. Before we married I was in california and he was in florida and I moved to be with him. then I moved to NY, back to CA, up to WA, then to OR for his career. He wants to move back to CA but to socal where I am from the bay area. Again I will follow his wishes. But I''m insisting on a nice house

 

[KimberlyH]

I was the mover in an LDR, we were married about a year and a few months post move. For and am content with my decision, but I do miss my other life, so to speak. My DH had built a business and has an elderly mother he provided care for, I was in a city with no family nearby (my sister lived two hours away, my parents were closer to him) but an amazing circle of friends, a decent job (although not a career) and a very comfortable life. Who moved was a no-brainer due to his business and mom; I also never wanted to settle down permanently in the city I was living in so that made it a lot easier (I was in Sacramento, CA he lived/s in San Diego, and I prefer SD a trillion times over Sacramento). I miss my friends and the familiarity of Sacramento, but I love San Diego and am slowly but surely making friends (and maintaining old friendships through visits, email, telephone calls, etc.). But I am definitely the more flexible of the two of us on a whole. He is a regimented/scheduled sort of person, I am more fly by the seat of your pants.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

My history teacher in highschool did the same thing with her husband. She stayed in Cleveland to continue teaching (she was the head of the history department and taught at my school FOREVER). He moved to Chicago. They saw each other every weekend (took turns traveling) and she LOVED it. She said they were happy b/c during the week they could get their work done w/o feeling guilty and then the weekend was just about them.

I think if it works for you both and you BOTH are happy good for you!