Ladies - Did you change your last name?

[MakingTheGrade]

I didn't change my name, for a lot of reasons already mentioned, plus I'm lazy.

I told him I"d change my last name to his if he let me pick out a new first name for him. It's only fair. I was going to rename him Logan.

 

[soocool]

I am in my mid 50s and changed my last name back to my maiden name a little over 2 years ago.I did this because I did not want to have any association with DH's family who caused me so much grief (long story, but his mother wanted to poison me and all because I wasn't a Polish girl) in my over 20 years of marriage. When I got very sick and thought I was going to die I realized that I did not want his family name on my tombstone. DH understood completely. He changed his last name and DD changed her last name as well and she will most likely keep it and never change it after she experienced first hand what happened to me.

On a happy note.... (sorry to say that I can be happy about this, but) DH's father passed away last year and since his brother did not want to take care of the mother (SIL had enough of her and she is a girl he brought back from Poland to marry to please mommy and daddy) dearest mama was placed in a nursing home where no one visits her from what I understand.

 

[Circe]

It has always seemed odd to me that if the woman kept her surname, the children seem to get the male's name. There are several woman in this thread saying they changed their name because they wanted the same name as their children. To me that doesn't require a name change by the woman. If we have children, they will have my fantastic (haha!) surname.

YES - this is such a good point. Like Jen said, it really does highlight how the latitude afforded still circumscribes the radius of a short leash.

 

[Kismet]

I ran into one of my high school teachers on Friday (about 35 years after-the-fact) and when I reintroduced myself to him he commented that as a person with an interest in geneaology that it is a shame that women's names get lost so he thinks to is wonderful when women keep thier names in some way, shape or form. Since I am 52 he must be mid to late 70s so let's not assume that older adults think women should take thier husband's names. It seems to me that fewer young women keep thier names these days (at least going by the former students of mine that I know have been married recently).

Heh, I have to say that the issue that I run into in my genealogy research isn't that I can't track them due to name change but that they're either not mentioned at all or they're just mentioned by their first name.

Sorry for the side track comment.

 

[misssoph]

Hey, a question that's been on my mind lately ... what're those of you who've hyphenated or who have different last names planning to do about the kids


Well I have kept my name because it is MY name. I didn't have any particular feelings about what I would call my daughter and son, so they have my husbands surname. Now that it is THEIR name I would feel the same way , that they shouldn't change it either.

Does it cause confusion to have different names, not really. I just state what their name is and what my name is, I behave like I expect people to cope with this. And they do.
Really nowadays so many kids come from blended families, unmarried parents etc people have to be a bit more flexible.

 

[rubybeth]

Hey, a question that's been on my mind lately ... what're those of you who've hyphenated or who have different last names planning to do about the kids?

No plans for kids for us, but if for some insane reason that changes, our child would get both last names. I guess I wouldn't care what they did with their names upon getting married.

One thing I forgot to mention is that my DH was given his mother's last name, as his parents aren't married. So I actually have my MIL's maiden name joined with my father's last name, which I think is pretty cool.

 

[Clairitek]

Hey, a question that's been on my mind lately ... what're those of you who've hyphenated or who have different last names planning to do about the kids?

If we have kids they'll get a hyphenated last name. Our last names together aren't terribly long, but they're not short either. (5 syllables, 15 letters.) My last name (3 syllables) sounds better first...I think. Still deciding on that.

I figure the kiddo can figure out what s/he wants to do with it if s/he gets married. Of course I would hope that if hypothetical kid is female and marries, she'll keep her hyphenated last name, but she may be sick of it by that point and drop it for her hypothetical spouse's hypothetical shorter name.

To answer Circe's question about what our kids will end up being named- they'll have my hyphenated name (which, miraculously, includes DH's name too! ). They can choose what to do down the line. I don't feel as if its a burden to them. I think our future kids had a 2/3 chance of ending up hyphenated from the start because had I chosen to not alter my last name at all they would have ended up hyphenated.


T2- I agree that your last name sounds better first then C's.

 

[Tuckins1]

I did. I like the custom of it, plus I want our kids to have consistency and feel like one family.

 

[Jennifer W]

I did. I like the custom of it, plus I want our kids to have consistency and feel like one family.

I wonder, do you think that my child won't feel like we are a family because we have different names? In a world where lots of families have different names, for all sorts of reasons, I would never have considered that. I have the same name as my parents, and we aren't really much of a family, because the things that create a family are missing (trust, love, respect, warmth, affection and a few others). My husband and I love, trust and respect each other and our daughter, and we have created a warm, affectionate home for the three of us. How could we not feel like a family, with those important foundations attended to? I think that if all that was done and we still didn't feel like we were a family, there would be something so fundamentally wrong that a name would be the least of our issues. It's a little hurtful to read statements like yours.

eta, probably not fair to pick on you, since you aren't the only person who has said this, so I'm sorry for that.

 

[TravelingGal]

I did. I like the custom of it, plus I want our kids to have consistency and feel like one family.

I wonder, do you think that my child won't feel like we are a family because we have different names? In a world where lots of families have different names, for all sorts of reasons, I would never have considered that. I have the same name as my parents, and we aren't really much of a family, because the things that create a family are missing (trust, love, respect, warmth, affection and a few others). My husband and I love, trust and respect each other and our daughter, and we have created a warm, affectionate home for the three of us. How could we not feel like a family, with those important foundations attended to? I think that if all that was done and we still didn't feel like we were a family, there would be something so fundamentally wrong that a name would be the least of our issues. It's a little hurtful to read statements like yours.

eta, probably not fair to pick on you, since you aren't the only person who has said this, so I'm sorry for that.

Psssstt...here's a secret. When you have kids, you become "mommy" and your DH becomes "daddy"....kids seem to think that works as names just fine................

 

[Jennifer W]

I did. I like the custom of it, plus I want our kids to have consistency and feel like one family.

I wonder, do you think that my child won't feel like we are a family because we have different names? In a world where lots of families have different names, for all sorts of reasons, I would never have considered that. I have the same name as my parents, and we aren't really much of a family, because the things that create a family are missing (trust, love, respect, warmth, affection and a few others). My husband and I love, trust and respect each other and our daughter, and we have created a warm, affectionate home for the three of us. How could we not feel like a family, with those important foundations attended to? I think that if all that was done and we still didn't feel like we were a family, there would be something so fundamentally wrong that a name would be the least of our issues. It's a little hurtful to read statements like yours.

eta, probably not fair to pick on you, since you aren't the only person who has said this, so I'm sorry for that.

Psssstt...here's a secret. When you have kids, you become "mommy" and your DH becomes "daddy"....kids seem to think that works as names just fine................

Hmm. You are forgetting, are you not, the names by which my husband and I are known at home? We are Daddy and Not Daddy. Which puts me in my place, I guess. I mean, I gave her life itself and yet in her eyes, I'm just....Not Daddy.

 

[hoover]

I didn't change my last name. Even 10 years later, he throws out a few barbs of bitterness about that - especially after someone calls him Mr. my-last-name.
But too bad for him! It's my name.

On another note, a friend got married before she graduated from med school, and couldn't change her last name fast enough because she was worried about the kind of patients she would get as "Dr. Love"

 

[Octavia]

Hey, a question that's been on my mind lately ... what're those of you who've hyphenated or who have different last names planning to do about the kids

Well I have kept my name because it is MY name. I didn't have any particular feelings about what I would call my daughter and son, so they have my husbands surname. Now that it is THEIR name I would feel the same way , that they shouldn't change it either.

Does it cause confusion to have different names, not really. I just state what their name is and what my name is, I behave like I expect people to cope with this. And they do.
Really nowadays so many kids come from blended families, unmarried parents etc people have to be a bit more flexible.

[/quote]

Exactly. I don't feel a pressing need to pass my name along, but I do feel like it's mine mine mine. For our kids, the names we give them will be theirs. As I mentioned before, We do plan to give them DH's last name, mainly because it matters to him and not so much to me. It would probably be easier on them to have my last name, to be honest, but both our names are long and something of a mouthful. We won't hyphenate, as that would give the poor things a 22-character surname! They will have my last name as a middle name, though, because I do think there's a practical benefit to having it there somewhere. And when they're old enough, they can make whatever changes they want, that's not my call.

 

[mrs jam]

While I was teaching, most of my students' mothers whose names were different from their sons/daughters were divorced from the fathers and had remarried. Honestly, I don't recall a single situation in which the mother had a different last name due to keeping her maiden name. I would always mentally kick myself in the rear whenever I mistakenly referred to a parent as "Mrs. Child's Last Name." It was even more complicated to keep a child's parentage straight if the dad was remarried and the stepmother changed her name. Mothers don't typically enjoy it when their child's maternity is mistakenly assigned to the stepmother!

 

[Circe]

I didn't change my last name. Even 10 years later, he throws out a few barbs of bitterness about that - especially after someone calls him Mr. my-last-name.
But too bad for him! It's my name.

On another note, a friend got married before she graduated from med school, and couldn't change her last name fast enough because she was worried about the kind of patients she would get as "Dr. Love"

Oh, that is so sad - Dr. Love is the best doctor name out there!

Well, except for Dr. Evil.

The funny thing is, I decided after reading this thread on the heels of the internal debates I'd been having that while it's important to me to keep my name, I do want to have a link to the baby (if only, paranoically, on the principle that if the post office occasionally sees fit to deny me access to packages because we don't share a name, there's a chance some officious bureaucrat with retrograde tendencies might someday try to do the same thing to me with my kid). So I'm going to compromise by taking my husband's last name as a middle name.

This means my initials will be C.O.P. I'm trying to convince him that this is a sign that, being that we both have Ph.D.'s, we should both totally adopt the last name "Evil." We will be the Drs. Evil, and I? Will never be out of C.O.P.E.

 

[rosetta]

Nope

I don't need to share a name with anyone to feel like a family. I don't share a surname with my husband, and he's family ferchrissakes.

Kid (future) can take his name (a mere 4 letters, I'll make it easy on 'em) then will be offered the chance to change to my surname when they're older. It's not that hard. I had my name changed by deed poll when I was eight. I fancied a different first name and my parents are way cool

 

[Haven]

Hmm. You are forgetting, are you not, the names by which my husband and I are known at home? We are Daddy and Not Daddy. Which puts me in my place, I guess. I mean, I gave her life itself and yet in her eyes, I'm just....Not Daddy.

That's so funny!

 

[amc80]

It's not that hard. I had my name changed by deed poll when I was eight. I fancied a different first name and my parents are way cool

You're in the UK, right?
I just went through the process and it went something like this-

1) Change name with social security office (which means at least an hour of waiting, since you can't make an appointment)
2) Wait a week for SSA to change it in their system
3) Go to DMV with marriage certificate and new SS card...and wait and wait...no appointments for this either.
4) Wait (weeks) for new drivers license.
5) Change name with work, which requires your new SS card, even though you have your new license at this point, and you needed SS card to get the license.
6) Change name with bank, which requires not only your new license, but also your marriage certificate...even though you needed to show your marriage certificate to get your new SS card, which is how you got your new license. By the way, it took me a couple of months to change my banking stuff. I finally did because I got a check made out to my new last name...
7) Change credit cards and everything else. Credit cards are really easy- you just call them. They don't ask for any proof.

As of now I'm about 75% changed over. The only things that I haven't bothered with (and don't plan to) are the loans for my car and house. Just seems like a pain in the butt. Oh, and my passport. I just got a new passport 2 years ago, and I think it SUCKS that you have to get a whole new one to change your name due to marriage (unless you get married within a year of when it was issued). I have 8 years left on my passport and don't really want to lose those, but I probably will, just so everything is the same. Oh, and making appointments is sort of a pain as well, since I can never remember if I've switched names with a particular doctor or whatever. I had blood test results sitting for a week before I called in- the tests were under my old name but my file was under my new name.

 

[mia1181]

When we were engaged, it was a given that I would take my husband's name and I never considered keeping my own name. It was just natural to me that you take your husband's name. Just as natural as wearing a wedding band or any other marital tradition. However, since it was a question that I was asked a lot when I was engaged, one day I made a joke about keeping my own name to my then fiancé and he was shocked that I even brought it up! He was like "of course you are taking my name! Why would you even bring that up? We are going to be married and that's how it works!" I couldn't believe he took it so seriously, but it honestly didn't matter because OF COURSE I would take his name...

Cut to after we were married... I never got around to sending out the paperwork. Well, I never actually filled it out but I did print it! One day I mentioned to my husband that I hadn't done it and to my surprise his response was "so... It's just a name! Who cares!" I thought it was funny how much his perspective had changed since we were married. At that point we agreed that it wasn't worth the trouble but maybe one day when we have kids. The kids will have his name because I don't feel as connected to my family as his.

More recently, I think I'm leaning toward never changing my name. My husband is completely indifferent at this point, so I will do whatever feels right when the time comes.

I did add his name to my Facebook, so socially I don't mind if people use it, but most people know I go by my maiden name.

 

[Laila619]

I am all for women keeping their maiden (i.e. father's) last name, but isn't it a bit hypocritical to not give your children their father's last name? Of course, anyone can do whatever they want and whatever makes them happy; I was just curious.

 

[Laila619]

On another note, a friend got married before she graduated from med school, and couldn't change her last name fast enough because she was worried about the kind of patients she would get as "Dr. Love"

Hahaha, I would totally go to a Dr. Love. Cool name!

 

[mayerling]

It's not that hard. I had my name changed by deed poll when I was eight. I fancied a different first name and my parents are way cool

You're in the UK, right?
I just went through the process and it went something like this-

1) Change name with social security office (which means at least an hour of waiting, since you can't make an appointment)
2) Wait a week for SSA to change it in their system
3) Go to DMV with marriage certificate and new SS card...and wait and wait...no appointments for this either.
4) Wait (weeks) for new drivers license.
5) Change name with work, which requires your new SS card, even though you have your new license at this point, and you needed SS card to get the license.
6) Change name with bank, which requires not only your new license, but also your marriage certificate...even though you needed to show your marriage certificate to get your new SS card, which is how you got your new license. By the way, it took me a couple of months to change my banking stuff. I finally did because I got a check made out to my new last name...
7) Change credit cards and everything else. Credit cards are really easy- you just call them. They don't ask for any proof.

As of now I'm about 75% changed over. The only things that I haven't bothered with (and don't plan to) are the loans for my car and house. Just seems like a pain in the butt. Oh, and my passport. I just got a new passport 2 years ago, and I think it SUCKS that you have to get a whole new one to change your name due to marriage (unless you get married within a year of when it was issued). I have 8 years left on my passport and don't really want to lose those, but I probably will, just so everything is the same. Oh, and making appointments is sort of a pain as well, since I can never remember if I've switched names with a particular doctor or whatever. I had blood test results sitting for a week before I called in- the tests were under my old name but my file was under my new name.

Amc, isn't changing the name on your passport kind of important - regardless of how there's 8 years left on it? Your passport is the only valid form of ID you can present outside of the US (US driver's licences mean nothing over here), and if it doesn't have your legal name on it things can get complicated.

Edit: I just realised that you do intend to change it.

 

[zoebartlett]

I just remembered that when I went to the SS office, I was planning on dropping my middle name and using my maiden name in its place. The woman at the counter wouldn't let me for some reason. I had the proper paperwork and everything, but she said she legally had to go by the middle name on my birth certificate and marriage license. We went round and round and then I finally gave up. I didn't bother making calls to follow up on it when I got home but I should have.

 

[Clairitek]

It's not that hard. I had my name changed by deed poll when I was eight. I fancied a different first name and my parents are way cool

You're in the UK, right?
I just went through the process and it went something like this-

1) Change name with social security office (which means at least an hour of waiting, since you can't make an appointment)
2) Wait a week for SSA to change it in their system
3) Go to DMV with marriage certificate and new SS card...and wait and wait...no appointments for this either.
4) Wait (weeks) for new drivers license.
5) Change name with work, which requires your new SS card, even though you have your new license at this point, and you needed SS card to get the license.
6) Change name with bank, which requires not only your new license, but also your marriage certificate...even though you needed to show your marriage certificate to get your new SS card, which is how you got your new license. By the way, it took me a couple of months to change my banking stuff. I finally did because I got a check made out to my new last name...
7) Change credit cards and everything else. Credit cards are really easy- you just call them. They don't ask for any proof.

As of now I'm about 75% changed over. The only things that I haven't bothered with (and don't plan to) are the loans for my car and house. Just seems like a pain in the butt. Oh, and my passport. I just got a new passport 2 years ago, and I think it SUCKS that you have to get a whole new one to change your name due to marriage (unless you get married within a year of when it was issued). I have 8 years left on my passport and don't really want to lose those, but I probably will, just so everything is the same. Oh, and making appointments is sort of a pain as well, since I can never remember if I've switched names with a particular doctor or whatever. I had blood test results sitting for a week before I called in- the tests were under my old name but my file was under my new name.

Amc, isn't changing the name on your passport kind of important - regardless of how there's 8 years left on it? Your passport is the only valid form of ID you can present outside of the US (US driver's licences mean nothing over here), and if it doesn't have your legal name on it things can get complicated.

Edit: I just realised that you do intend to change it.

When you change your name in the US without going to court I believe you are still legally known by your original name (you gain an alias, really). So one of your legal names is still on your passport. I didn't change my name on my passport until just recently when my old one was going to expire. I traveled internationally 2 times after getting married and changing my name with SS and the DMV (credit cards still havent changed and probably never will). I just had to make sure that I booked my ticket under my former name so that it matched my passport. There is nothing illegal about traveling on my old passport (when it was still valid) with my old name on it.

 

[Clairitek]

I am all for women keeping their maiden (i.e. father's) last name, but isn't it a bit hypocritical to not give your children their father's last name? Of course, anyone can do whatever they want and whatever makes them happy; I was just curious.

I'm not sure I follow what you're getting at. A lot of the women who have said that they want to keep their name listed a ton of reasons other than wanting to keep their father's last name because it was their father's (and mother's if she took it when she got married).

I know I said on page 2 in my post about my decision that I did it in part because of my father, but it was more because of his reaction to my change, not really simply because it was his name.

 

[slg47]

I plan on changing my name--to signify that we are 'married' (I am not implying that you who did not change your name are any less-married!) I really like what alj said about not changing yourself but marking a new chapter in your life (or something...I can't remember the exact words). I always thought I would change, mostly because my mom did...it just seems like something you do when you get married. However, my fiance would prefer that I not change. He just thinks it's 'weird' for me to change my name, since he knows me by my current name.

As far as academics not wanting to change...I am surprised no one has made a fix for google scholar/pubmed so you can link all of your publications. It doesn't seem that challenging!

Question for you all...do you think that women who change are seen as less independent? Do you think this affects job prospects?

 

[mayerling]

It's not that hard. I had my name changed by deed poll when I was eight. I fancied a different first name and my parents are way cool

When you change your name in the US without going to court I believe you are still legally known by your original name (you gain an alias, really). So one of your legal names is still on your passport. I didn't change my name on my passport until just recently when my old one was going to expire. I traveled internationally 2 times after getting married and changing my name with SS and the DMV (credit cards still havent changed and probably never will). I just had to make sure that I booked my ticket under my former name so that it matched my passport. There is nothing illegal about traveling on my old passport (when it was still valid) with my old name on it.

Sorry, I don't mean to imply that it is illegal to travel under the name listed on your passport. All I'm saying is that, should anything happen, the name on the passport, which is the only form of valid ID, would not be your legal name. It might also be an issue with getting a visa to travel to certain countries. Now, I don't know about the US and whether you're still known by your original name so I can't comment on it (that's certainly not how things work back home; marriage is about the only thing that allows you to legally change your name without going to court).

 

[Clairitek]

It's not that hard. I had my name changed by deed poll when I was eight. I fancied a different first name and my parents are way cool

When you change your name in the US without going to court I believe you are still legally known by your original name (you gain an alias, really). So one of your legal names is still on your passport. I didn't change my name on my passport until just recently when my old one was going to expire. I traveled internationally 2 times after getting married and changing my name with SS and the DMV (credit cards still havent changed and probably never will). I just had to make sure that I booked my ticket under my former name so that it matched my passport. There is nothing illegal about traveling on my old passport (when it was still valid) with my old name on it.

Sorry, I don't mean to imply that it is illegal to travel under the name listed on your passport. All I'm saying is that, should anything happen, the name on the passport, which is the only form of valid ID, would not be your legal name. It might also be an issue with getting a visa to travel to certain countries. Now, I don't know about the US and whether you're still known by your original name so I can't comment on it (that's certainly not how things work back home; marriage is about the only thing that allows you to legally change your name without going to court).

I could see it being challenging if you were to be arrested in another country for some reaosn and not have your passport reflect the currently-used name but all of your old names follow you. If anyone were to peer into my records (which I woud assume they would be doing if I were arrested, at least in the countries I personally travel to- UK, New Zealand, Canada, Western Europe) they would see Clairitek Maiden, Clairitek Maiden-Married in my records. My mother has told me that anytime someone does a credit check (which uses your social security number- one of the major identifiers in the US) she is asked if her alias' are the same person. Shrug. I can see what you were getting at, I was just clarifying that its not a problem to travel on it.

 

[50shadesofblack]

I would like to keep my last name, but I won't.

Me taking his last name is very important for him, and while I do have a preference, it means more to him than it it means to me.

 

[Octavia]

I am all for women keeping their maiden (i.e. father's) last name, but isn't it a bit hypocritical to not give your children their father's last name? Of course, anyone can do whatever they want and whatever makes them happy; I was just curious.

I don't see my surname as belonging to just my father. It's every bit as much mine as it is his, or my great-aunt's, or my cousin's. Who cares if other people out there in the world, some of whom are closely related to me and some of whom are not, happen to share the same surname with me? Doesn't make it less valid as my name. I really hate the implication that a woman doesn't have a name that actually belongs to her, because it's always some male relative's. I was given this name at birth and there is no reason in the world that I can't assert ownership of it, just because it was passed through one branch of the family and not another. If I had chosen to take a different name at marriage, that name would still be mine and not solely my husband's because I would have taken ownership of it by adopting it. I just don't see a name as equivalent to a dress or a pair of earrings, which can be borrowed and lent. If you "wear" it, then it's just...yours.

So, I don't really understand why you think it's hypocritical to give a child the mother's last name, or a hyphenated name, or a completely different name if that's what the parents decide to do. And if the child doesn't feel any attachment to that name when they are old enough to decide, he or she can then choose to bear another name which feels comfortable and right.

ETA: not all women have their father's surname as a maiden name, you know.

ETAA: sorry if this sounds a bit combative, I really dont mean it to be, I just couldn't figure out how to phrase it differently and still make my point. One of those times I wish I was more eloquent...