Ladies - Did you change your last name?

[Scorpioanne]

I would prefer not to disappear from history, or to have to start anew upon marriage. The first half of my life counts, too.

Well said Circe.

The first half my life (pre marriage) built my character.

The second of my life (post marriage) I assume will only build my patience levels.

I guess I don't see how changing your name is giving up who you are or what you've accomplished. I earned my masters degree before I was married. I have a different name now, but I still earned the degree. It's still mine.

ETA and remotely off topic- Any Friends fans remember when Phoebe was changing her name? She didn't realize she could change her entire name...so she wanted to go with Princess Consuela Bananahammock. Her husband told her if she was going to do that then he was changing his name to Crap Bag.

Er ... apologies if I was unclear: I'm not raising abstract, philosophical objections here. A woman's accomplishments are her own no matter what her name (Dr. Princess Bananahammock? perhaps? ) What I'm saying is that it's been very difficult for researchers to track women's lives through history, because there's no continuity. Women disappear out of history when their names change.

Let's put it like this: having worked hard to publish and leave my mark as Circe Russian-Jewish Name, I'd find it a little dispiriting to basically start over as Circe Swedish Name who appeared out of nowhere, from the perspective of great-great-great grandkids trying to figure out where they came from.

ETA: Thanks, TG - and no kidding!

I ran into one of my high school teachers on Friday (about 35 years after-the-fact) and when I reintroduced myself to him he commented that as a person with an interest in geneaology that it is a shame that women's names get lost so he thinks to is wonderful when women keep thier names in some way, shape or form. Since I am 52 he must be mid to late 70s so let's not assume that older adults think women should take thier husband's names. It seems to me that fewer young women keep thier names these days (at least going by the former students of mine that I know have been married recently).

 

[distracts]

I will not be changing my name. This deeply offends my fiance, but it deeply offends me that he won't change his last name to mine. He goes on and on about TRADITION! and how no one will know that we're married. But his last name is kind of stupid. And my name is awesome. As well, he has... differences... with his family and barely talks to them, whereas I am very close with mine, as is he, and so I really don't understand why we would change our name to show affiliation with people he doesn't even like, rather than people we see and talk to literally every day. Also, his name is religiousy sounding and we're both atheists so that kind of bothers me as well. He doesn't see how his name sounds religiousy but EVERYONE else does, to the point where when my parents found out his last name, my mom laughed until she cried at it, and thought it was deeply ironic that an atheist was dating someone who sounded so religiousy. Those reasons really offend him for some reason though. Officially, publicly, my reason for not changing my name is "I'm used to my name and don't want to change it." This is easily accepted as most people call me FirstnameLastname as if it's hyphenated, because it flows really well together (and my last name is a fairly common first name, so it's a "two first names" situation). His name is just awkward with mine. So awkward. Even people who are initially in favor of me changing my last name change their mind once they try saying it, and admit that my original last name just works better.

We are not dealing with the children's names yet - there have been bitter fights about that already, and there will be again. Realistically, they will probably end up with hyphenated last names. My last name-his last name - at least we both agree that mine sounds better coming first.

My mother has told me before that if she was getting married in this day and age, instead of thirty years ago, she would have kept her last name, and that she wishes she was brave enough to have done it then. That really sealed the deal on keeping my name for me. My mother is WAY more traditional than I am, and if she regrets changing her name even a little, I will regret it bucketloads and resent my fiance because of it.

My fiance claimed in our first argument about this that he doesn't know "ANYONE!" who changed their last name. He didn't appreciate it when I pointed out that the wives of all three of his best friends still have their maiden names. He did not appreciate that AT ALL. I honestly think he had never, ever noticed what their last names were. He just assumed they'd changed their names, and has probably gone blithely about his life assuming that every married woman he's met has changed her name to that of her husband's. He'd never thought about it before that first big argument. It's still a contentious issue, but he's coming around to my point of view (now that I've stopped telling him I'm not changing my name because his is stupid).

I also just find it annoying to have to re-learn the names of people I've known all my life. It's not just a hassle for the person changing their name, but also everyone who knows them. There are multiple friends who I've known 20+ years who've gotten married recently and who I still call Firstname Maidenname. Of course, it doesn't help that I address most people as Firstname Lastname, so a lastname change renders the person almost unidentifiable name-wise to me.

Er ... apologies if I was unclear: I'm not raising abstract, philosophical objections here. A woman's accomplishments are her own no matter what her name (Dr. Princess Bananahammock? perhaps? ) What I'm saying is that it's been very difficult for researchers to track women's lives through history, because there's no continuity. Women disappear out of history when their names change.

I had never thought of that before, but it's so true. I can trace my male lineage back generations upon generations, but the wives start pretty much where they enter the family tree, or at most one generation back from that, if we happen to know their maiden names (if we know there's, we almost never know their mother's). And we also often can't figure out what happened to the daughters of male ancestors once they got married, as their husband's last names often aren't mentioned in correspondences and family memoirs. I know my dad's mother's family several generations back even on the female sides only because her families were very wealthy, and we so we have better records.

 

[mrs jam]

I love sharing my husband's last name! It gives me the warm fuzzies. My first name and maiden name are very, very French and very complicated for people to pronounce or spell. While it looks beautiful on paper, it was a hassle to spell out for people or listen to them while they butchered the pronunciation. My married name is only four letters long and also happens to be a very cool adjective. I love it, and I happily waited in line at the DMV and Social Security office to change it. I've been procrastinating on the passport, though.

 

[rainwood]

[quote="Scorpioanne It seems to me that fewer young women keep thier names these days (at least going by the former students of mine that I know have been married recently).[/quote]

I was going to say the same thing. I'm 57 and hyphenating or keeping your name was very popular when I and my peers got married.

 

[kenny]

What if women kept their mother's last name and gave it to their daughters . . . & . . . men kept their father's last name and gave it to their sons?

Both genders would be treated with equal respect and every subsequent generation would not have to add yet another hyphenation.

 

[lulu66]

i did change my name, but...

honestly, growing up i always joked that i couldn't wait till i could change my last name. while it's not too long, it's easily mispronounced & everyone saying it for the first time mispronounces it with a question mark at the end. it was so annoying. but then as time got closer & closer to the wedding i started having second thoughts: do i really want to change my unique name to my hubby's very normal last name? kind of like an above poster stated "it's my name. i earned it." also, my generation is the last of my last name (my father's the only son who had children--3 girls), so that caused me some reservation too. i was still going back and forth. DH was def for the name change and we'd been on the same page until i had these "thoughts" about it. i was still thinking (he would have supported either way. his mother actually legally took his father's name but uses her maiden name professionally & socially, so he's been exposed to it.) so, i was still "thinking" when we were in the office to get our marriage license. i didn't realize i had to put the name change down on the form; i thought i had till we signed it after the ceremony. so, spur of the moment i decided to go w/DH's last name, my original thought.

but (again) we've been married 1 1/2 years, i've changed my name socially & thru SSA but my drivers license & passport still have my maiden name. they are like my one last thing. if i had to do it over again, i wouldn't have changed it right then r maybe at all. if/when we had/have children & it turned out to be a big deal, i would have done a legal name change at that point.

p.s. oh & hypenating wouldn't work for us b/c of my maiden name. combined with ANY other name it incites rolling-on-the-floor laughter. seriously.

good luck with your decision, my advice is don't drop your name if you don't feel comfortable with it. try to find a solution that you both feel comfortable with though.

 

[Circe]

Hey, a question that's been on my mind lately ... what're those of you who've hyphenated or who have different last names planning to do about the kids?

Initially, my husband and I had decided that we'd just give boys his last name and girls my last name and let Fate decide. But ... since having a kid and doing that parent-thing of dreaming out the future, I've started to wonder if having a Scandinavian-sounding last name in contemporary American culture might not carry a little more of an edge than a Slavic-sounding last name, the current global situation being what it is. And I HATE that I'm having that thought, given how I feel about assimilation, and considering how it falls in line with how every thread I've ever seen on name-changing is chock-full of women who married men who "just had a cooler name!"

(Not this thread, obvs, as I've been happily reading all your tales of nifty nomenclature ... but as C-Tek observed on p. 2, this thread is unusual in that the majority of posters are either hyphenating or keeping their names.)

So it's a two-pronged thing, of wondering whether there's either a collective gendered inferiority complex, or if women tend to marry "up" socially in some way, and of feeling a little guilty for being subject to the same social pressures I'm observing. I suppose it's that I've never felt entirely happy with any of the solutions open to us: changing my name wasn't an option, hyphenation with our specific names would have been a mouthful (also, Pandora's point about what will happen a generation or two down the line), and a little part of me wonders if I might not be disadvantaging hypothetical daughters by pinning them with my heritage as opposed to my husband's. On the other hand, I might be borrowing trouble - future kids could all be male, after all! or, if they're girls, they might opt to change their names.

So consider this curiosity as much as anything else ... what'cha planning on, ladies?

 

[Amys Bling]

What if women kept their mother's last name and gave it to their daughters . . . & . . . men kept their father's last name and gave it to their sons?

Both genders would be treated with equal respect and every subsequent generation would not have to add yet another hyphenation.

interesting notion...

 

[PumpkinPie]

I did not. My husband would have preferred that I take his name, but I strongly felt that it was not his decision. He could have chosen to take my last name, but did not.
We have a child now, and she has his last name, but this was a difficult decision for me - I lived in Europe for a year with a family who gave the children the mother's name which really appealed to me.

 

[SCDP]

I am not married yet, just engaged, but I will be keeping my name. Fiance and I have discussed what we will do with children, and have decided to continue what my parents did for my name. I am Firstname MomsMaiden DadsLast. My mom actually just tacked my dad's last name onto her name, so she is First Middle Maiden Husband. I am not sure if we will give our children an additional middle name as well, but we can cross that bridge when we get to it.

When I was younger I resented NOT having a "real" middle name. More recently, past 10 years or so, I feel very fortunate to carry both my mother's name and my father's. Together, they make me who I am. Truthfully, I always knew I would keep my name. I actually brought this up early in my relationship with my fiance, so he always knew how I felt and what would happen. He fully supports my decision.

Honestly, I don't know many women my age who have kept their last name. I am 25 and in graduate school, and one of my classmates is married and did not change her name. I think this is the only married woman I know in my age group (2 who did not change her name. I actually told her how refreshing it was for me to FINALLY know someone who chose to keep her name. I will be interested to see what my close friends decide to do when they get married. Maybe I will pave the way, at least for a conversation or thought about the decision. What irks me is the assumption that a woman will or should change her name.

 

[ForteKitty]

My friend's husband hated his father's name so much that he created a brand new name when he moved to California. First, middle, last... all new. The last name is completely made up and fantasy sounding, like Mr. FluffypantsPumpkinschnapps. This is after they met. When they started dating a little while later, she told him that she will not be changing her name because she loves her family name. He was PISSED, and told her that she didn't respect his name. Um, first of all, LMAO at his new name, and seriously, you expect her to change her name to a made up one that sounds ridiculous? She never changed it, and good thing too, because she's now getting a divorce.

My other friend told her husband that the only way she'll change her name is if he does all the paperwork for her. She still has her maiden name 2 years later.

 

[distracts]

My friend's husband hated his father's name so much that he created a brand new name when he moved to California. First, middle, last... all new. The last name is completely made up and fantasy sounding, like Mr. FluffypantsPumpkinschnapps. This is after they met. When they started dating a little while later, she told him that she will not be changing her name because she loves her family name. He was PISSED, and told her that she didn't respect his name. Um, first of all, LMAO at his new name, and seriously, you expect her to change her name to a made up one that sounds ridiculous? She never changed it, and good thing too, because she's now getting a divorce.

This reminds me of a (happier) story - one of my old teachers and her husband kept their last names when they married. When they had kids, they wanted to all have the same name, so they agreed on a last name they both like (a regular though uncommon one), and BOTH changed their names. That way, neither one of them had to deal with something the other one didn't also have to deal with, which made it more fair.

I've told my fiance that this is the only acceptable-to-me strategy that will get me to change my name. I have even handed him a list of names! He doesn't like this suggestion though.

 

[ladypirate]

Hey, a question that's been on my mind lately ... what're those of you who've hyphenated or who have different last names planning to do about the kids?

I figure if we have kids they will get the hyphenated name and once they are adults they can choose to keep one name or the other or both. The (episcopal) priest that married us and his wife both hyphenated their names and gave their kids both names. When their son got married he opted to drop one of them and keep using the other and it wasn't a problem.

 

[aljdewey]

I chose to change my name and had no reservations about doing so. It didn't matter to Rich one way or the other, so no pressure there. I loved my maiden name, got along great with my family, was well-educated, and got married later in life (late 30s.)

From the many posts on these threads, it seems that many associate their identity pretty heavily through their names. I don't really feel that way. My parents could have chosen a different first name for me, and it wouldn't have made me any less who I am today than I am under this name. I feel much the same about my maiden name; for me, changing my surname didn't at all make me any less who I was before.

My maiden name is Italian, and my married surname name isn't. I don't feel it makes me any less Italian just because my surname isn't Italian now. LOL - generations of culinary awesomeness don't just evaporate becuase I sign my name differently. For me, changing my surname doesn't alter the history of where I come from. Also, since my family immigrated here, I can say with certainty that my maiden name isn't even the name my ancestors came into this country with! It's an anglicized version of the family name......also doesn't change the history of where we come from to me.

I'm no less me for having changed to my husband's surname; to me, it simply means that I've embarked on a different phase of my life with my husband. I'm certainly no less independent, no less equal - I just don't think those things are tied exclusively to my maiden name. They are who I am, not what I'm called.

I have to also confess I don't see the offense in being called Mrs. Hisname or whatever. Not saying it's wrong, but in my circles, most people aren't trying to be offensive at all, so I don't look for offense in terms that are generally meant to be respectful. Being from New England, I think I take the most offense to being called M'aam.......unless it's someone with an accent from the southern part of the U.S., where m'aam is generally taught as a term to show good manners. LOL

 

[kefira]

I think this is such an interesting topic, especially because so many women responding have kept their name in one way or another.

I chose to keep my name. When I was younger, I hated my name, and was sure I'd change it if I married. It's an unusual, although pretty easily pronounceable name, but it did inspire some schoolyard teasing. It's my adoptive father's name, so I also had felt it wasn't really "mine" anyway. And as a teen, I had a rather epic falling out with my father, which has never been repaired (I'm 35 now). In my 20s, I was in a serious relationship, and we had discussed that I'd definitely change my name to his if we married, because I simply liked his name better. I didn't think about it much after that relationship ended (sans marriage, thankfully!). Then when I DID marry, in my 30s, I realized that although I like my husband's name, that I just wouldn't feel like myself anymore if I changed mine to his. He didn't mind either way, and also asked if I'd like to choose a new name together. In the end we both kept our names, although his family refers to me with his last name when they send us mail. I don't mind - since we eloped, and really aren't close with them, they really wouldn't know unless they asked or we made a point of it. When people ask, I simply say, "I didn't change my name."

 

[rainwood]

Aljdewey -

I don't like being called Mrs. His Last Name because that's not my name either legally or socially, the same way I wouldn't appreciate it if someone called me by the wrong first name. If someone doesn't know me and I won't be seeing them again, I'll let it go but otherwise I'll very politely correct them the same as if they'd gotten my first name wrong. Or sometimes my DH will correct them which I always appreciate.

And for those of you who don't like being called ma'am, just wait. You'll be hearing it more as you get older. The first few times it stings and then you just have to let it slide.

 

[Gypsy]

I've been called ma'am.

Best part of it was that I was buying clothes for my HUSBAND when the squeaky voiced sales clerk asked me: "Are you buying clothes for your son, ma'am?"

REALLY? I look old enough to have a son that wears clothes from the men's section? And ma'am to add insult to injury.

 

[4ever]

I'm getting married in less than a month and I am going to change my last name to FIs. It mattered more to him than to me and his last name is way eiser to spell and pronounce.

 

[Jennifer W]

I've been called ma'am.

Best part of it was that I was buying clothes for my HUSBAND when the squeaky voiced sales clerk asked me: "Are you buying clothes for your son, ma'am?"

REALLY? I look old enough to have a son that wears clothes from the men's section? And ma'am to add insult to injury.

Ouchy! That was brutal...

We don't call people ma'am here, so I don't have that one to look forward to!

 

[Hera]

I've been called ma'am.

Best part of it was that I was buying clothes for my HUSBAND when the squeaky voiced sales clerk asked me: "Are you buying clothes for your son, ma'am?"

REALLY? I look old enough to have a son that wears clothes from the men's section? And ma'am to add insult to injury.

Something like that happened to me when I went to buy an Eminem CD for my husband. The cashier asked if it was for my son
As if I'm not cool enough to listen to Eminem!-hmpph.

Yes, I did change my name. I thought I would like having a generic last name but then found out that everyone has it also so it doesn't exactly make me feel special. I like it anyways because that's who I am. At first, I had a real identity problem but soon I discovered who the new me was.

I don't like being referred to as Miss or Ms and I much prefer Mrs. For some reason, it irks whenever I go to a restaurant and someone calls me Miss. I think the only places that get it right are French restaurants. I appreciate the attention to detail.

 

[missy]

What if women kept their mother's last name and gave it to their daughters . . . & . . . men kept their father's last name and gave it to their sons?

Both genders would be treated with equal respect and every subsequent generation would not have to add yet another hyphenation.

I see a few potential issues with this solution. What if you only have all girls (or boys)? What if the siblings want to share the same last name? That could get confusing in certain situations including school. I don't think I would want my children to have different last names from each other. But that's me and of course you may feel differently. I am not saying there is one right or wrong choice. It's what works best for each individual family.

 

[zoebartlett]

Being from New England, I think I take the most offense to being called M'aam.......unless it's someone with an accent from the southern part of the U.S., where m'aam is generally taught as a term to show good manners. LOL

I agree, Alj. I don't know when people started calling me ma'am instead of miss, but I did cringe the first few times I heard it. Sometimes I still do. When I moved to NC, I heard it ALL the time. When the kids in my class called me ma'am, it kind of grew on me and I got used to it. It sounded cute coming from a 6 year old.

 

[missy]

Responding to those who wrote they do not care for it when people call them Mrs. His Last Name...at first I didn't like it either but now it doesn't bother me at all. I just see it as the easy thing for people to do and it's not like they are trying to offend me. When we receive invites in the mail or cards etc most everyone addresses it as Mr and Mrs His Last Name...only a few individuals (all my friends from before marriage) use Dr. My Maiden Name and Mr His Last Name. It just doesn't matter to me at all. Legally my last name remains my maiden name. Interestingly, I *think* I received a check made out to My first Name My Husband's Last Name and we were able to deposit it...not positive on this one though as it happened a long while ago.

Also, I had to LOL when I read Kefira 's post about making up a new last name. I suggested this to my dh a few years ago (half jokingly) because I don't love either of our last names and there is a last (and first) name I love and wouldn't it be nice to have a melodious first and last name. But seriously I would only do this if we had to go into Witness Protection though because I really do enjoy keeping my maiden name for professional reasons mainly. But I am all ready in case we have to enter WP!!!

 

[missy]

I was thrilled to swap my very distinctive, long, hyphenated surname for his short, more anonymous one.

I have a very close family friend who did the same thing. Her maiden name was hyphenated, very long, and each of the two names in it began with McC. (Imagine "McCaffery-McCullen"--not exactly it, but the same sort of mouthful. She was thrilled to drop her maiden name and take on her husband's four-letter surname when they married. It's funny to say her name in both of its forms because the difference is so striking.

These discussions are always very interesting to me because I just don't relate to the feelings so many express about the connection between name and identity. I'm not sure why, and one way is certainly not better than the other.

I also find it interesting that people in general (not necessarily in our discussions here) tend to make judgments about women based on the decision they make in this situation. There always seems to be comments about how more educated or outwardly successful women tend to make one choice while less educated make another. Or, that dropping your maiden name says something about your independence or strength or yadda yadda yadda. I think people on PS are too polite to really say what they think in terms of these matters, but whenever this discussion comes up IRL the judgments are always there, and people are more forthright about making them.

I don't put much stock into using this choice to tell me anything important about an individual, because in my mind it isn't really all that important. I prefer to look at people's behaviors for those types of insights. But I do think it's fascinating, what people really believe about how much this choice reveals about an individual.

I did not mean to offend you Haven. Personally, I earned a doctor degree under my maiden name and that was and is how my patients and colleagues know me. This choice had nothing to do with how smart or dumb I am in any way. My sister changed her name because she wanted to have the same last name as her children. She has as many degrees as I do so again just to reiterate, my choice had nothing to do with feeling smarter or more superior to anyone else. I just noted for the purpose of this discussion though that all my friends with post graduate degrees kept their maiden names and while we never discussed the reasons why it was most likely for the same reason I did. My dh never even wanted me to change my maiden name so it worked out well for us.

Missy--Thank you for your response, but I wasn't responding to your post when I wrote mine. I promise.
When I say I find this interesting, I'm being forthright. I don't find it offensive when people make a particular judgment about my choice, probably because I'm comfortable with my choice and I'm not worried about making other people happy, in general.

I have a general interest about the conclusions we draw about others based on their choices, especially when those choices aren't ones that say anything particularly interesting about them in my opinion. I think it's natural to judge others, and I think it serves thea very real purpose of helping us understand and feel good about the choices we make for ourselves in our own lives. For me, it really gets interesting when the judgments come out about things that seem like non-issues to me. This topic is a good example of that.

I've learned a lot about myself after reflecting on the ways my own reactions differ from others, and a lot of that insight has come from discussions on PS. Very interesting stuff, here.

Thank you Haven. I feel the same way and enjoy most discussions on PS. I find I do learn more from topics where my opinions differ from others and am glad that PSers can share in that way without (for the most part) it degrading into unhappy bickering. Just last night I received an email from a friend asking that we no longer discuss politics for the sake of our friendship and it sort of upset me. She is an older woman whose friendship I value and while I know we differ quite a bit re politics we share many other values and I enjoy(ed) discussing all topics with her. I guess I am hurt because I feel I must have upset her with an email forward I sent her about one of the candidates and it does bother me if my email upset/annoyed her. This woman is a psychologist and so I am surprised she wants to just cut off all communication re politics just because we disagree but I am seeing her today and will definitely ask why she feels that way but I am also going to respect her wishes as I value her friendship.

 

[Jennifer W]

We pretty much flipped a coin for which last name to give the kid. To be honest, neither of us felt strongly about it. Neither of us feels a strong family identity, or cared about passing on a name / keeping it alive or whatever. We aren't close to our families at all. Neither of us feels sentimental about our name. It's just...there. In the end, we chose her first name first, then picked the second name that sounded nicest with it.

 

[Jennifer W]

I was thrilled to swap my very distinctive, long, hyphenated surname for his short, more anonymous one.

I have a very close family friend who did the same thing. Her maiden name was hyphenated, very long, and each of the two names in it began with McC. (Imagine "McCaffery-McCullen"--not exactly it, but the same sort of mouthful. She was thrilled to drop her maiden name and take on her husband's four-letter surname when they married. It's funny to say her name in both of its forms because the difference is so striking.

These discussions are always very interesting to me because I just don't relate to the feelings so many express about the connection between name and identity. I'm not sure why, and one way is certainly not better than the other.

I also find it interesting that people in general (not necessarily in our discussions here) tend to make judgments about women based on the decision they make in this situation. There always seems to be comments about how more educated or outwardly successful women tend to make one choice while less educated make another. Or, that dropping your maiden name says something about your independence or strength or yadda yadda yadda. I think people on PS are too polite to really say what they think in terms of these matters, but whenever this discussion comes up IRL the judgments are always there, and people are more forthright about making them.

I don't put much stock into using this choice to tell me anything important about an individual, because in my mind it isn't really all that important. I prefer to look at people's behaviors for those types of insights. But I do think it's fascinating, what people really believe about how much this choice reveals about an individual.

I did not mean to offend you Haven. Personally, I earned a doctor degree under my maiden name and that was and is how my patients and colleagues know me. This choice had nothing to do with how smart or dumb I am in any way. My sister changed her name because she wanted to have the same last name as her children. She has as many degrees as I do so again just to reiterate, my choice had nothing to do with feeling smarter or more superior to anyone else. I just noted for the purpose of this discussion though that all my friends with post graduate degrees kept their maiden names and while we never discussed the reasons why it was most likely for the same reason I did. My dh never even wanted me to change my maiden name so it worked out well for us.

Missy--Thank you for your response, but I wasn't responding to your post when I wrote mine. I promise.
When I say I find this interesting, I'm being forthright. I don't find it offensive when people make a particular judgment about my choice, probably because I'm comfortable with my choice and I'm not worried about making other people happy, in general.

I have a general interest about the conclusions we draw about others based on their choices, especially when those choices aren't ones that say anything particularly interesting about them in my opinion. I think it's natural to judge others, and I think it serves thea very real purpose of helping us understand and feel good about the choices we make for ourselves in our own lives. For me, it really gets interesting when the judgments come out about things that seem like non-issues to me. This topic is a good example of that.

I've learned a lot about myself after reflecting on the ways my own reactions differ from others, and a lot of that insight has come from discussions on PS. Very interesting stuff, here.

Thank you Haven. I feel the same way and enjoy most discussions on PS. I find I do learn more from topics where my opinions differ from others and am glad that PSers can share in that way without (for the most part) it degrading into unhappy bickering. Just last night I received an email from a friend asking that we no longer discuss politics for the sake of our friendship and it sort of upset me. She is an older woman whose friendship I value and while I know we differ quite a bit re politics we share many other values and I enjoy(ed) discussing all topics with her. I guess I am hurt because I feel I must have upset her with an email forward I sent her about one of the candidates and it does bother me if my email upset/annoyed her. This woman is a psychologist and so I am surprised she wants to just cut off all communication re politics just because we disagree but I am seeing her today and will definitely ask why she feels that way but I am also going to respect her wishes as I value her friendship.

Missy, that's a tough one. I'm sorry you were upset. I'll be honest - I find it hard to like people who hold particular political opinions. It's because (I'll be completely honest here) I think they're wrong. Ha! Of course I do! I mean, I came to the beliefs and ethics I hold to and try to live by because I thought about them long and hard, and I think they are correct. Don't we all? I find it very hard to reconcile someone holding a view that I might personally find offensive with still liking that person. So sometimes, I've asked people I respect and like not to bring up a particular subject with me so we don't fall out. I personally find it hard to respect certain positions and opinions and hard to stop that spilling into how I feel generally about the person who holds them. I recognise that is my problem but I also know that hashing the topic out won't change my views, so I prefer not to discuss it.

eta, it has to be a big issue - I don't struggle with people having different opinions in general, just one a few big topics. I'm not totally unreasonable...

 

[Rhea]

Hey, a question that's been on my mind lately ... what're those of you who've hyphenated or who have different last names planning to do about the kids?

DH already has a hyphenated surname. I have a single surname. If we have children the discussion has been that he'd pick one of his names, he does have a favorite, and hyphenate it with my name. Both of his names are simple and English. Think Robinson-Smith. He prefers the one I don't like as much. People always mispronounce my name and ask where it's from. So children would probably be Grilliot-Smith. *

It has always seemed odd to me that if the woman kept her surname, the children seem to get the male's name. There are several woman in this thread saying they changed their name because they wanted the same name as their children. To me that doesn't require a name change by the woman. If we have children, they will have my fantastic (haha!) surname.


* Not actually names, but just as, um, pretty, as my real last name!

 

[Jennifer W]

Hey, a question that's been on my mind lately ... what're those of you who've hyphenated or who have different last names planning to do about the kids?

It has always seemed odd to me that if the woman kept her surname, the children seem to get the male's name. There are several woman in this thread saying they changed their name because they wanted the same name as their children. To me that doesn't require a name change by the woman. If we have children, they will have my fantastic (haha!) surname.

Addy, I think it's one thing for these new fangled, independent, stubborn silly girls to insist on keeping their real names, we can indulge that if we really have to. No, it's when it starts to affect the children that you have to put your foot down, right? That's just a step too far...

We picked two first names out, to make the final decision when our baby was born - one sounded nicer with my name, one sounded nicer with DH's name, as it happened. So, we didn't quite toss a coin, but that is as deeply as we thought about the question.It was purely an aesthetic decision.

 

[rainydaze]

i changed my name to my DH's. for the most part it was natural for me, but i did give it some thought and we did discuss it. DH would have supported me if i had wanted to keep my maiden name, but he did hope i would change it. he didn't want to take my name (basically because he's traditional and it just didn't feel completely right to him), and i showed him the same respect that he showed me by letting that be his call. i was very fond of my name and my family, and not so fond of his father... but ultimately i saw it as taking my husband's name more than his dad's, i guess. i still feel it was the right choice for me, ten years later.

i have two friends who kept their maiden names (one hyphenated) and both wish they had just changed it to their DH's. the reason being, both have kids and say it would have been much easier. they no longer see the 'point' that they held onto at the time. both also tell people and kids to call them mrs. DH's last name now, too.

of course, you just have to do what feels right to you. my issue with your situation would be your DH's attitude towards it - in that case i would be a little pissed and probably hold onto my maiden name out of spite. of course, i say that tongue-in-cheek... i would be having as many heart-to-hearts as it took to understand/resolve his attitude towards the whole deal, because it would be a red flag *for me*.

 

[iheartscience]

Hey, a question that's been on my mind lately ... what're those of you who've hyphenated or who have different last names planning to do about the kids?

If we have kids they'll get a hyphenated last name. Our last names together aren't terribly long, but they're not short either. (5 syllables, 15 letters.) My last name (3 syllables) sounds better first...I think. Still deciding on that.

I figure the kiddo can figure out what s/he wants to do with it if s/he gets married. Of course I would hope that if hypothetical kid is female and marries, she'll keep her hyphenated last name, but she may be sick of it by that point and drop it for her hypothetical spouse's hypothetical shorter name.