kids related topic...any regrets of

[Mayk]

Had my first at 35, took me several years to get pregnant with her... and lost two after that... (I was not clearly not good breeding stock).. I think God knew what he was doing. I have my hands full with one. I don't know how people afford to raise children today.. medical costs, school, activites, not to mention clothing and just the basics... She did a 3 week camp this year that cost what a semester of tuition would cost... I also have two step children.. one in college and one that got a car this year... OH MY... it does take a village to raise children.. it's the hardest thing you do as a parent.. love, protect, teach, provide.. it's not for the weak at heart.. for sure.. But I wil say... I do belive I've never done anything as imporatant... as trying to raise a respectful young lady... (with very little from her father)

 

[monarch64]

Just had my (our) first baby at 35, husband is 39. Both our sets of parents were of similar ages when they had us so I suppose that factored into each of our decisions to wait until our thirties to start a family. My only regret is over sleep deprivation--would have probably been a bit easier to recover from when we were in our twenties. We are zombies these days! Fortunately we both have in-town commutes to work so not super worried about falling asleep at the wheel.

I have not experienced the intense worry or huge life changes about which some warn. Sure, I worry about her and miss her now that I'm back to work, but my husband is able to work from home and bring her to his office or meetings and things have gone well so far. When she's mobile it will be more difficult but so far we have not had to resort to daycare and for that I am very very grateful.

I think our mission in life has changed: we were once both consumed with the ambition to make money, buy things, accumulate, etc. Now the focus is on providing our daughter with the essential tools for survival once she is grown, i.e. education, socialization, and lots of love. So, no regrets, really this has just enriched our life experiences and made us better all around.

 

[missy]

As an interesting aside I have noticed a difference in couples who have kids to those who do not. This is my observation only and not statistically significant in any way. Couples we know who don't have children are tighter as a team, in their relationship, than couples we know who do have children. They do more things together and just seem stronger in their marriage. I could guess as to why that is but since it is specific to my friends I would not want to generalize this to the population at large.

 

[Laila619]

As an interesting aside I have noticed a difference in couples who have kids to those who do not. This is my observation only and not statistically significant in any way. Couples we know who don't have children are tighter as a team, in their relationship, than couples we know who do have children. They do more things together and just seem stronger in their marriage. I could guess as to why that is but since it is specific to my friends I would not want to generalize this to the population at large.

Probably because they have so much more couple time to be together, what with regular date nights, etc. Jealous!

I think *if* you are married to the right person, having kids can deepen your love and appreciation for your spouse. Seeing my DH as a wonderful and caring daddy has made me see him in a whole new light! He has really embraced fatherhood and stepped up to the plate in huge ways.

 

[missy]

As an interesting aside I have noticed a difference in couples who have kids to those who do not. This is my observation only and not statistically significant in any way. Couples we know who don't have children are tighter as a team, in their relationship, than couples we know who do have children. They do more things together and just seem stronger in their marriage. I could guess as to why that is but since it is specific to my friends I would not want to generalize this to the population at large.

Probably because they have so much more couple time to be together, what with regular date nights, etc.

I think that is part of it for sure but I also think many couples with children put their children first and I think while it depends on your personal situation of course it is best to put your spouse first. I have psychologist friends and the ones who specialize in marriage counseling say successful marriages really depend in large part to putting your spouse first above all else.

ETA: And I totally agree with the last part you just added Laila. It really comes down to the relationship you had before kids and the relationship you want to maintain after. Again, putting your spouse first over your kids is key (according to some very reputable marriage counselors) but if you are married to the right person it should all work out.

 

[Laila619]

As an interesting aside I have noticed a difference in couples who have kids to those who do not. This is my observation only and not statistically significant in any way. Couples we know who don't have children are tighter as a team, in their relationship, than couples we know who do have children. They do more things together and just seem stronger in their marriage. I could guess as to why that is but since it is specific to my friends I would not want to generalize this to the population at large.

Probably because they have so much more couple time to be together, what with regular date nights, etc.

I think that is part of it for sure but I also think many couples with children put their children first and I think while it depends on your personal situation of course it is best to put your spouse first. I have psychologist friends and the ones who specialize in marriage counseling say successful marriages really depend in large part to putting your spouse first above all else.

Yes, that is definitely true and I agree. In our house, we say that our son needs to adapt to and fit into our lifestyle, not the other way around. We were a couple first. While we obviously adore him, at the end of the day we try to make time for just us, and not be all about being parents at the expense of the marriage. Of course, like you said, it depends on one's personal situation; if one is married to a jerk all bets are off.

 

[missy]

As an interesting aside I have noticed a difference in couples who have kids to those who do not. This is my observation only and not statistically significant in any way. Couples we know who don't have children are tighter as a team, in their relationship, than couples we know who do have children. They do more things together and just seem stronger in their marriage. I could guess as to why that is but since it is specific to my friends I would not want to generalize this to the population at large.

Probably because they have so much more couple time to be together, what with regular date nights, etc.

I think that is part of it for sure but I also think many couples with children put their children first and I think while it depends on your personal situation of course it is best to put your spouse first. I have psychologist friends and the ones who specialize in marriage counseling say successful marriages really depend in large part to putting your spouse first above all else.

Yes, that is definitely true and I agree. In our house, we say that our son needs to adapt to and fit into our lifestyle, not the other way around. We were a couple first. While we obviously adore him, at the end of the day we try to make time for just us, and not be all about being parents at the expense of the marriage. Of course, like you said, it depends on one's personal situation; if one is married to a jerk all bets are off.

Haha, totally agree. Jerks are bad with or without children!

 

[DNB]

Had first at 23 and second at 26 (boys). They are now 26 and 28 and they were sooooo easy to raise. We have no regrets at all. I loved being a mom and still do. My only wish is that we'd had at least one more. We made the decision about two based on financial reasons, but knowing what we know now, we could have easily had one or two more. Oldest is single, youngest has a gf and they've been together over a year. Expecting an engagement in the next year. They however, probably will never have kids as she has fertility/medical issues. They might adopt one someday. I need my oldest to get married because he WANTS kids LOL. We always thought having our kids early would mean we'd be young grandparents. We're already older than our parents and grandparents were when they had grandchildren. DH and I have been married 31 years and have a great relationship and always did. We "dated" throughout their growing up years and didn't put our entire focus on them all the time. While we didn't have the "partying" 20's, most of our friends didn't either and we don't feel we missed anything. We instead have been empty nesters since we were in our mid-late 40's so we're enjoying the freedom on this end.

 

[diamondringlover]

This is a somewhat loaded question for me, we had our first son and we were 24 (spent 25th birthday in the hospital when I had him) and hubby was 30...2nd son I was 36 and he was 42..11 years between them...that I regret, I do not regret having them I just wished they were closer in age...the reason we waited was we were living in a really tiny 2 bedroom house in a not so nice neighborhood (hubbys house when i met him) and it took us over 4 years to finally sell the house once we moved to our current bigger 4 bedroom house we decided to go ahead and try to have another child, it took me almost 3 years to get pregnant, we actually had given up hope when I got pregnant. So now my boys are 26 and 15, the oldest is moved out and the youngest is waiting till he is old enough to get his temps to drive...I really wish they were closer in age

 

[Haven]

As an interesting aside I have noticed a difference in couples who have kids to those who do not. This is my observation only and not statistically significant in any way. Couples we know who don't have children are tighter as a team, in their relationship, than couples we know who do have children. They do more things together and just seem stronger in their marriage. I could guess as to why that is but since it is specific to my friends I would not want to generalize this to the population at large.

That's so interesting. DH and I have noticed that having children seems to either bring people closer together as a team, or to drive them apart.

We know many couples who never had children, a handful of them have been retired for a few years. The only big difference I've noticed between the two groups is that people who never had children seem more rigid and set in their ways. I'm guessing this is because having children forces you to adapt fairly regularly, and not having children gives you the luxury of living exactly as you please. I'm a bit nervous about giving up that luxury, to be honest!

 

[missy]

As an interesting aside I have noticed a difference in couples who have kids to those who do not. This is my observation only and not statistically significant in any way. Couples we know who don't have children are tighter as a team, in their relationship, than couples we know who do have children. They do more things together and just seem stronger in their marriage. I could guess as to why that is but since it is specific to my friends I would not want to generalize this to the population at large.

That's so interesting. DH and I have noticed that having children seems to either bring people closer together as a team, or to drive them apart.

We know many couples who never had children, a handful of them have been retired for a few years. The only big difference I've noticed between the two groups is that people who never had children seem more rigid and set in their ways. I'm guessing this is because having children forces you to adapt fairly regularly, and not having children gives you the luxury of living exactly as you please. I'm a bit nervous about giving up that luxury, to be honest!

You'll be a great mom Haven!! And I am sure your dh will be a great dad as well! I know you will be able to adapt to the change with not much of a problem at all. We have friends who have plenty of time for themselves even with kids. It's all a matter of prioritizing and being organized and willing to delegate a bit. I also know parents who will not leave their kids with anyone so they could enjoy some alone time or a date night. Guess which parents and kids are better adjusted LOL.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Having kids is one of those things that you can't appreciate until you have them. You can't possibly miss what you don't have. I appreciate people's reasons for not having them. It is a huge, long undertaking and the end results are guaranteed to no one. They can be the biggest joy or the biggest disappointments in your life. I know people that feel both ways.

However, I will say this having lived a fair number of years and having had children. There is no pet or niece or nephew or friend's child that will ever come close to having your own children. They are light years apart. Enjoying other people's children is fine for those that choose to do it and I would never encourage anyone to have children if they truly thought it wasn't for them. I'm not on the 'everyone should have children' bandwagon. I've experienced pets that I would give my life for and nieces and nephews galore. It is simply not the same.

so true!!.. although i come here from time to time to rant about my PITB daughters they still bring us the most joys. wife and i have many nieces and nephews,but as MGR said..."It is simply not the same".

 

[Dancing Fire]

Had first at 23 and second at 26 (boys). They are now 26 and 28 and they were sooooo easy to raise. We have no regrets at all. I loved being a mom and still do. My only wish is that we'd had at least one more. We made the decision about two based on financial reasons, but knowing what we know now, we could have easily had one or two more. Oldest is single, youngest has a gf and they've been together over a year. Expecting an engagement in the next year. They however, probably will never have kids as she has fertility/medical issues. They might adopt one someday. I need my oldest to get married because he WANTS kids LOL. We always thought having our kids early would mean we'd be young grandparents. We're already older than our parents and grandparents were when they had grandchildren. DH and I have been married 31 years and have a great relationship and always did. We "dated" throughout their growing up years and didn't put our entire focus on them all the time. While we didn't have the "partying" 20's, most of our friends didn't either and we don't feel we missed anything. We instead have been empty nesters since we were in our mid-late 40's so we're enjoying the freedom on this end.

yep, that's the good side of having kids early in life... FREEDOM by the time you reach your late 40's.

 

[missy]

Had first at 23 and second at 26 (boys). They are now 26 and 28 and they were sooooo easy to raise. We have no regrets at all. I loved being a mom and still do. My only wish is that we'd had at least one more. We made the decision about two based on financial reasons, but knowing what we know now, we could have easily had one or two more. Oldest is single, youngest has a gf and they've been together over a year. Expecting an engagement in the next year. They however, probably will never have kids as she has fertility/medical issues. They might adopt one someday. I need my oldest to get married because he WANTS kids LOL. We always thought having our kids early would mean we'd be young grandparents. We're already older than our parents and grandparents were when they had grandchildren. DH and I have been married 31 years and have a great relationship and always did. We "dated" throughout their growing up years and didn't put our entire focus on them all the time. While we didn't have the "partying" 20's, most of our friends didn't either and we don't feel we missed anything. We instead have been empty nesters since we were in our mid-late 40's so we're enjoying the freedom on this end.

yep, that's the good side of having kids early in life... FREEDOM by the time you reach your late 40's.

LOL when you have kids I am not sure the word "freedom" is really accurate. Your kid is always your kid and always on your mind and your concern-no? Not a bad thing at all but I wouldn't use the word freedom at any stage- even for adult kids.

 

[Haven]

Missy--Aww, thank you. We're excited, but we enter parenting with a very strange mix of emotions. (I imagine many people do, right? RIGHT?! )

I imagine we will definitely be the sort of parents who prioritize time for ourselves, and for each other. It will be interesting, DH and I are the sort who spend nearly all of our free time together. One of my biggest fears about becoming parents is how it will affect our relationship. I know it has the potential to make us even closer, but it's hard to imagine that because the man is already my best friend in the entire world.

I like the discussion about putting your spouse first. I agree with that. We'll see how well that becomes a reality come December!

I should add: I'm still in a state of bewilderment about being pregnant. We were on the fence for so long that I thought we wouldn't have children. Then we decided to try, and WHAM! I was pregnant right away. So, the questions raised in this thread have been on my mind quite a bit.

 

[MissGotRocks]

Had first at 23 and second at 26 (boys). They are now 26 and 28 and they were sooooo easy to raise. We have no regrets at all. I loved being a mom and still do. My only wish is that we'd had at least one more. We made the decision about two based on financial reasons, but knowing what we know now, we could have easily had one or two more. Oldest is single, youngest has a gf and they've been together over a year. Expecting an engagement in the next year. They however, probably will never have kids as she has fertility/medical issues. They might adopt one someday. I need my oldest to get married because he WANTS kids LOL. We always thought having our kids early would mean we'd be young grandparents. We're already older than our parents and grandparents were when they had grandchildren. DH and I have been married 31 years and have a great relationship and always did. We "dated" throughout their growing up years and didn't put our entire focus on them all the time. While we didn't have the "partying" 20's, most of our friends didn't either and we don't feel we missed anything. We instead have been empty nesters since we were in our mid-late 40's so we're enjoying the freedom on this end.

yep, that's the good side of having kids early in life... FREEDOM by the time you reach your late 40's.

LOL when you have kids I am not sure the word "freedom" is really accurate. Your kid is always your kid and always on your mind and your concern-no? Not a bad thing at all but I wouldn't use the word freedom at any stage- even for adult kids.

Yes, that's true to a certain extent. You never stop worrying or thinking about them but when they are grown and living their own lives, you learn to let go a bit and they let go a bit. The time that you and your spouse have then is really appreciated and enjoyed. It's a different phase of life than when you were newlyweds - you're older, more mature and have been through so much together. It's a wonderful time!

 

[geri]

I had my first and only child at 38, almost 39. It was later than I would have chosen but I didn't meet my husband until I was 36. After 3 miscarriages I was incredibly grateful to have my daughter because I was starting to think I had left it too late. I would honestly have considered having another but at 40, and recently separated from my husband, my family is done. Parenting has been the most rewarding and challenging thing that I have ever done. These first 18 months have been very tough at times but one cuddle from my daughter is enough to remind me why it is worth it for me.

 

[bem3231]

We had our first, a daughter, when I was 37 and DH was 42. I wish that I had started earlier, but I just didn't meet DH early enough to start much sooner than we did. My fertility was already compromised when we started trying to conceive, so that was a bit scary. I feel so blessed that we were able to have my daughter with relatively few interventions. The media today likes to spin stories about women having babies well into their 40's - while this is sometimes the case, I think that too many women assume that it's entirely possible for every woman when, sadly, it's not.

I think that the ideal time to start a family for me would have been in my early 30's - 32 or 33 maybe? The advantage is that DH and I both enjoyed great careers, lots of travel, etc. etc. earlier on in life, but there got to a point where that just wasn't doing it for me anymore.

I agree with everyone who has said that being a parent is the biggest, but also most rewarding, challenge that they have ever faced. It definitely changes you. My DH often comments that he only realized after becoming a dad what a 'self-centered narcissist' he had been prior - lol. In my experience, being a parent definitely expands your human experience. Not to say that it is a necessary part of the human experience, and I certainly respect the position of those who decided that parenthood is not for them - but it is a really fascinating trip that teaches you a lot about yourself, about your partner, and about what it really means to love somebody.

We debated trying for a second for quite a while. We finally decided that we would give ourselves a limited timeframe - 6 mos - to try for another and, if it was meant to be it would be, but if not we were both very satisfied being a family of three. Well, after two miscarriages I have just discovered that I'm pregnant again (on our last month of trying) - expecting our second in April 2013. It is still early days, but things are looking good. I will be 40 when this baby is born, and my DH will be 45.

It is a real challenge not to 'lose' yourself in motherhood, and I understand the perspectives of those posters who have mentioned this. I started a PhD when I was pregnant, and completing that degree has been a good intellectual outlet for me that I am able to pursue with the flexibility that I need to still make parenting my number one priority. I realize that we are very fortunate, however, to have the options and flexibility that we have.

My reason for wishing that we had started earlier is really based on wishing that we had more time to spend with our children, hopefully our grandchildren, and also wishing that my children had more time to spend with their grandparents. I also would have liked to spend my 40's traveling as a family, instead we will likely still be dealing with diapers for the first part of my 40's, anyways.

I think that the perfect answer to this debate is, obviously, different for every single person/couple...

 

[nomissjane]

We had our first, a daughter, when I was 37 and DH was 42. I wish that I had started earlier, but I just didn't meet DH early enough to start much sooner than we did. My fertility was already compromised when we started trying to conceive, so that was a bit scary. I feel so blessed that we were able to have my daughter with relatively few interventions. The media today likes to spin stories about women having babies well into their 40's - while this is sometimes the case, I think that too many women assume that it's entirely possible for every woman when, sadly, it's not.

I think that the ideal time to start a family for me would have been in my early 30's - 32 or 33 maybe? The advantage is that DH and I both enjoyed great careers, lots of travel, etc. etc. earlier on in life, but there got to a point where that just wasn't doing it for me anymore.

I agree with everyone who has said that being a parent is the biggest, but also most rewarding, challenge that they have ever faced. It definitely changes you. My DH often comments that he only realized after becoming a dad what a 'self-centered narcissist' he had been prior - lol. In my experience, being a parent definitely expands your human experience. Not to say that it is a necessary part of the human experience, and I certainly respect the position of those who decided that parenthood is not for them - but it is a really fascinating trip that teaches you a lot about yourself, about your partner, and about what it really means to love somebody.

We debated trying for a second for quite a while. We finally decided that we would give ourselves a limited timeframe - 6 mos - to try for another and, if it was meant to be it would be, but if not we were both very satisfied being a family of three. Well, after two miscarriages I have just discovered that I'm pregnant again (on our last month of trying) - expecting our second in April 2013. It is still early days, but things are looking good. I will be 40 when this baby is born, and my DH will be 45.

It is a real challenge not to 'lose' yourself in motherhood, and I understand the perspectives of those posters who have mentioned this. I started a PhD when I was pregnant, and completing that degree has been a good intellectual outlet for me that I am able to pursue with the flexibility that I need to still make parenting my number one priority. I realize that we are very fortunate, however, to have the options and flexibility that we have.

My reason for wishing that we had started earlier is really based on wishing that we had more time to spend with our children, hopefully our grandchildren, and also wishing that my children had more time to spend with their grandparents. I also would have liked to spend my 40's traveling as a family, instead we will likely still be dealing with diapers for the first part of my 40's, anyways.

I think that the perfect answer to this debate is, obviously, different for every single person/couple...

Bem3231...I think yours and my experiences sound very similar. Like you I ideally would have liked to have started my family in my very early thirties so that I could have more time with my children etc, but I'll happily take what I can get and be the best 40yr old playgroup juggling, toddler wrangling, breastfeeding a newborn mum I can be!! Hehe.

We've just come back from a long holiday travelling around Europe with our two yr old and we had a ball, so it's definitely doable. It might be another few years before we head over again but we've already started thinking about it and planting the planning seeds.

Good luck for an uneventful pregnancy.

 

[Skippy123]

I am glad I had my twins in my 30's. Sometimes I wish I had them earlier as they require lots of energy but then again I am so glad my husband and I spent 10 years traveling and having fun. Now our trips are close by but I can't wait to show my kids the things I have seen. I guess at the end of the day I don't regret anything. Life is good, what more can I ask for?!




Congrats MGR on the new grandbaby!!! awww, babies

 

[MissGotRocks]

Thanks Skippy - there is nothing quite as sweet as a baby - and you know that times two!!

 

[DNB]

Had first at 23 and second at 26 (boys). They are now 26 and 28 and they were sooooo easy to raise. We have no regrets at all. I loved being a mom and still do. My only wish is that we'd had at least one more. We made the decision about two based on financial reasons, but knowing what we know now, we could have easily had one or two more. Oldest is single, youngest has a gf and they've been together over a year. Expecting an engagement in the next year. They however, probably will never have kids as she has fertility/medical issues. They might adopt one someday. I need my oldest to get married because he WANTS kids LOL. We always thought having our kids early would mean we'd be young grandparents. We're already older than our parents and grandparents were when they had grandchildren. DH and I have been married 31 years and have a great relationship and always did. We "dated" throughout their growing up years and didn't put our entire focus on them all the time. While we didn't have the "partying" 20's, most of our friends didn't either and we don't feel we missed anything. We instead have been empty nesters since we were in our mid-late 40's so we're enjoying the freedom on this end.

yep, that's the good side of having kids early in life... FREEDOM by the time you reach your late 40's.

LOL when you have kids I am not sure the word "freedom" is really accurate. Your kid is always your kid and always on your mind and your concern-no? Not a bad thing at all but I wouldn't use the word freedom at any stage- even for adult kids.

Yes, that's true to a certain extent. You never stop worrying or thinking about them but when they are grown and living their own lives, you learn to let go a bit and they let go a bit. The time that you and your spouse have then is really appreciated and enjoyed. It's a different phase of life than when you were newlyweds - you're older, more mature and have been through so much together. It's a wonderful time!

Absolutely. While I think about my boys everyday, I don't sit and worry about them. They have their own lives and we see each other every couple of weeks and talk at least once per week. Your relationship with your children changes when they are grown and independent. They are responsible for themselves. We do feel the "freedom" of having been there, done that, raised responsible adults who don't depend on us for everything or really anything except being there for each other when needed. DH and I do what we want when we want. Actually, our parents are more demanding of our time now than our kids were. Yes, we both have both of our parents still and all are in good health, but they want to see us a lot. We up and went to the beach for our anniversary a couple of weeks ago. All we did was email or phone the kids and parents and tell them we were going. It really is freeing having raised responsible adults.

 

[texaskj]

I'm with kenny....no kids and no regrets.
You would not believe how many people I've had tell me they love their kids to death, but if they did it all over, they would NOT have any.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I've always said that I could have a wonderful, exciting, fulfilling life with only my husband and no kids. We like our jobs, we have wonderful dogs whom we absolutely adore, we love to travel, we thoroughly enjoy each other's company. You get it.

I still think I would have been completely content with my life because I would not have experienced having a baby. And I am definitely not the type who thinks everybody should. Heck, I have family members who have kids and shouldn't. But my daughter fills me with love the way nobody else could. I like to think of myself as a down-to-earth person who can be objective about the highs and lows of parenting, but I've totally turned into THAT mom who thinks her baby is the most amazing thing on earth.

Honestly, my only regret is not exploring a career that would have provided more work/life balance. I like my job and have negotiated only working 32 hours per week, but it's hard. Maybe if I had explored the option of being a physical therapist or some type of position that would allow me to work fewer hours, I wouldn't be struggling with the whole career thing.

 

[peasypeas]

my only regret is not having more children when I wanted to. mine were born in 04-06-08 I wanted one in 10 and one this year.
but here we are. DH started school. and I'm feeling (for me personally- though I know plenty of friends having babies my age) that I'm getting up there in age. I'm 34.
we got married and waited a couple years. we thought we'd wait five but I'm glad we decided not to.

 

[Laila619]

But my daughter fills me with love the way nobody else could. I like to think of myself as a down-to-earth person who can be objective about the highs and lows of parenting, but I've totally turned into THAT mom who thinks her baby is the most amazing thing on earth.

Hehe! It happens to all of us. I stare in awe at my toddler daily.

 

[swingirl]

Had my kids at 34 and 37. I wish I started sooner and squeezed in 1 more. But at the time it was important to buy a house in California so that took some planning. I could have cut down the "dating" stage in half and started having kids soon as we bought our house. Turns out we don't need all that "couple's" time. With the adult kids gone we have waaaaay too much couple's time (it's called empty-nest---boring).

 

[kenny]

I'm with kenny....no kids and no regrets.
You would not believe how many people I've had tell me they love their kids to death, but if they did it all over, they would NOT have any.

Plus, short of suicide, having no kids is the single most "green" thing a person can do.
My carbon footprint ends when my embalming fluid leaches down into the water table.

They should give us tax breaks.
They got it backwards.

Just trying to cheer y'all up.

 

[aljdewey]

I'm almost 39 and my husband is 40. I think we're kind of late bloomers, and we weren't really ever ready. Now I feel like it's a little too late. Every once in a while I wonder what we're missing out on, but overall, we're happy with our life the way it is. Because of my job, I'm around little kids all day long, and I love it. I like the craziness and the busy pace of life at school, and I also like the peace and quiet at home. It's a nice balance.

There are a couple of things that bother me about this subject:

1. My mom has made comments in the past that let me know she's sad she's not a grandma. I feel guilty about that but that's not a reason to have kids. Obviously, she knows this, but I do think she's sad when she hears her friends talk about their grand kids.

2. Some friends have stepped away from our friendship and are now just acquaintances. Having kids changes your life and I totally understand that. I'm assuming these friends simply just didn't feel we can relate to one another anymore, but it makes me sad to think about.

Zoe--This happened to us, as well. Most of my husband's good friends just started having babies the last three or four years, they're all in their early 40s, and all of a sudden they were having little gatherings in their homes and not inviting us, but inviting everyone else. One friend in particular was really obvious about this, in fact we've never even seen his home that he and his wife built two years ago. (DH was in his wedding, he was in ours, they were really close.) When DH told him I'm pregnant he actually said, "That's wonderful! We'll have to have you guys over to the house now." I was really miffed by that, as if now we're in the club or something since we're expecting. Blech.

I have to say that I can completely relate to what you and Zoe are saying, Haven. It feels downright sucky to have friendships retracted or withheld just because I made a different life choice that was right for me. Doing so doesn't mean I dislike children or that I"m not interested in things relating to kids; in fact, quite the opposite. I think I'm far *more* interested in others' kids because I don't have them myself.

While I was fortunate not to encounterthis in my day-to-day local life, it did happen here on PS, and I have to admit that I"m still extremely hurt over it. I've known several of the women here for years and years, and we've all shared many milestones together: engagements, wedding planning, marriages, home buying, etc. Even though I didn't travel on the pregnancy/kids path myself, I was interested in their journeys to the point of being an avid reader and occasional contributor on all the family threads.

I celebrated their pregnancy discoveries and shared in the anticipation of their kids' arrivals. When frustration from sleep deprivation or struggling to nurse brought them to tears, I found myself crying too. I read and offered support through mastitis, torticolis, colic, infant heart surgeries, and more. I contributed product recalls when I saw them, and was genuinely interested in their milestones. I celebrated first smiles, first words, first steps, first solid foods, and all manner of poop celebrations. I took such incredible joy in watching their babies grow through the photos they shared and their stories.

When they decided to move conversations to a more secure channel, they decided that non-mothers weren't welcome anymore. I don't think I can adequately describe what a sense of hurt and loss I've felt and still do feel about it. For many with young families, they can barely make the time for that single group and if you can't participate there, it's a non-starter.

I wonder how they will feel when it's their own children on the receiving end of such behavior. How will you feel when your daughter's friends decide she can't play with them anymore because they all have pierced ears and she doesn't? When your son's friends decide he can't play with them anymore because they all went to summer camp and he didn't? Will they teach their kids that intolerance is justified if others aren't just like them?

 

[aljdewey]

DH and I decided not to have our own children. We didn't make that choice lightly; we knew it meant we'd be forgoing some of the cool things that can come with being parents, and we accepted that was part and parcel of our choice.

We're ten years down the road together, and I'm even more firmly sure we made the right choice.