Just a pondering..

[Parsley]

Hello you beautiful ladies, how are you all tonight?

I just found out tonight that my parents got engaged after 4 months :-O and next April they''ll be celebrating their...35th wedding anniversary. I had absolutely no idea, I wasn''t sure how long they''d been together before they got engaged, but I thought it would be longer than that!

It made me think though...when did waiting become the norm? How long is the average relationship before engagement do you think..3/4 years? I know there are a lot fewer and a lot longer, but I''m just guessing averages.

What changed it? The acceptance of cohabitation? The increase in divorces and decline of religion?

 

[D&T]

for me, DH and I only dated three months before getting engaged, then married three months after that... we actually met a year before we started dating, and he knew that I was the one for him, and I knew it as well, we've been married five years now, and have two kids, and are happier now than we have ever been the first three years of our marriage (it was a rough one- a couple of times almost heading into the divorce route) it really varies with people I think, my SIL dated her hubby for about three years I beleive and now are married. My brother had an arranged marriage and have been married for 10 years now.

ETA: me and DH never lived together before we got married. My SIL and her hubby did live together prior to getting married.

 

[crossmyfingers]

I''ve wondered that too. I have no idea what an average might be. My parents met, dated, and got married all in 10 months. Whew. Makes me wonder what BF of 2 years is waiting for, LOL.

 

[Parsley]

Haha, almost exactly the same thought that ran through my head after finding this out
xxx

 

[fuzzers]

I read in an article (not sure where... sorry) that it takes a guy an average of 3.5 years to propose. I think one of the biggest reasons for this is the change in higher level education. Seems like everyone is going to grad school these days (and racking up loans!).

P.S. My folks got engaged after about 6 months.

 

[4ever]

I think it''s more about what is expected of people of this generation which is quite different to our parents.

In our parents and grandparents generations, boys grew into men, got jobs and then looked for wife to take care of the house and have their children and this was expected. It was very odd for a man not to want this (or think they want it due to social conditioning) and for young women to want to become a wife.

Today those strick social expectitions and pressures are not nearly as strong and people feel more free to put marrige on the back burner for a while and pursue other things. It''s not expected that we try and marry young.

 

[gwendolyn]

Most of my friends got engaged after a year (sometimes less) of dating--even the guy whose first girlfriend was at the age of 30; he proposed about 7 months in. We didn't get engaged until after 4 years together, but we were a long-distance relationship. So, it just depends on you as people, your situation, your age (possibly), and how it feels, I guess. What's right for my friends wasn't right for me, and what was right for me wouldn't have worked for them (they all told me they wouldn't have put in the effort to keep an international relationship going). So, just go with what works for you! And hopefully no one will judge anyone's choices.

 

[KimberlyH]

I think there are a multitude of reasons why this is the case, including the following:

My generation (I'm 32) and those that follow seem to be growing up much more slowly than those that come before us. It is much more common for grown children to live at home during and after college (for a myriad of reasons from the extreme change in cost of living to laziness), and many more people go to college now than they did in past generations. These things slow down the progression from childhood to adult to spouse to parent.

Career is defined differently now as well, it's not just a job for many, it's a passion and it takes a lot of time invested which makes other things, such as marriage, less of a priority.

Divorce becoming so common has caused fear. Divorce of parents is quite normal for many people of the latest generations, and not wanting to follow in parents' footsteps has caused people to put off getting married, wanting to ensure that they are ready and choose the right person.

We have different ideas of love and marriage now than in the past related to religion and a shift in culture(s).

 

[trillionaire]

I think a lot of things have changed. Jobs are harder to come by, life expenses are much higher (disproportionately so), people stay in school for longer and spend more time on professional careers, more women got married and became stay at home moms, etc. There have been a number of social shifts. And young adults these days (18-29!) are taking a lot longer to find themselves and mature, social expectations of men and women have changed with the growth of feminism and women's rights, etc. Young people these days are more like children and have fewer responsibilities, generally speaking. My sister is 23, and I would be appalled if she said she was getting married, let alone in a few months! I've been with my FI for 6 years, and I turned 27 last month. I suppose we could have gotten married earlier, but I certainly was not ready to do so. (not that I suggest that people should date for 6 yrs either, lol)

To each their own, but people are complex, and I'd rather know someone well than not know what I was getting into. FI and I didn't even have our first argument until we had dated for TWO YEARS! It can take a long time to know someone. And we have known each other for 9 years now


ETA: Also, the advent and social acceptance of living together before marriage invariably has played into this change. Also, attitudes towards pre-marital sex.

 

[AustenNut]

Ah, what an interesting question! I have no idea how long my parents dated, but I think there are a variety of reasons to explain the current phenomenon we see.

1) Social acceptance of living together, as well as fewer people remaining sexually abstinent before marriage

2) Higher expectations in terms of quality of living. People want big rings, nice houses, etc all at the beginning of their marriage unlike people from previous generations who started off small and humbly, and then acquired some of the bigger ticket items as they aged and earned more money.

3) People are getting more education, which tends to push back the marrying date.

4) People have higher expectations for what their mate will be (similar interests, values, etc, plus the soulmate connection) which many in previous generations did not require. They went with similar values, and perhaps interests, and built the rest from there, but not expecting the relationship to provide for all of their happiness.


In terms of the age of marriages, I when to the census website and found out some interesting data.

Median age of first marriage for men: 27.5
Median age of first marriage for women: 25.6

Median age of first marriage varies by location. In D.C., NY, and MA the median for men is 29.9-30.0 while for men in UT and ID it’s 25.2. For women, it goes as high as 29.9 in D.C. and 28.5 in MA and as low as 22.8 in UT and 23.5 in ID.

49.2% of men 25-29 have never married
29.6% of men 30-34 have never married
17.9% of men 35-44 have never married
9.7% of men 45-54 have never married

38.1% of women 25-29 have never married
21.9% of women 30-34 have never married
13.4% of women 35-44 have never married
8% of women 45-54 have never married

Unfortunately, however, I haven''t found any statistics on the average length of a courtship prior to being engaged.

 

[mariewest]

My parents only dated 3 months before they decided to get engaged. My Dad did not propose, it was just a conversation that they had. My Mom didn''t even want an engagement ring, but my Dad made her get one anyways. They celebrated 30 years last month. My Mom was 20 when they got married, and my Dad was 25.

I agree that higher education and pursuit of establishing careers may be the reason that there is more of a wait. I also think that because divorce, many people don''t want to rush into married too quickly, especially if it is their second marriage.

 

[diamondringlover]

We met in Feb got engaged in Dec and was married in May grand total of 15 months

 

[teal]

We were friends for about a month and a half, then had a long distance relationship for 4 1/2 months, lived together for 3 1/2 months before he proposed then married a few weeks later (with the big wedding sometime next year, as he is military and can''t get time off until next summer).

 

[Lozza]

Interesting thread!

My parents got married within a year of meeting each other - Mum was 21 and Dad was 24. They decided to get married so soon because Dad was in the Australian Navy and got posted to Darwin (they were living in Canberra - a 5 hour flight away). Their choices were break up or get married. Nowadays, she would just go with him.

I, on the other hand, have been with SO 7 years. My brothers have been with their other halves 3.5 years and 2 years respectively, and neither have plans to marry any time soon.

I think the big differences now are:

1. It''s no longer assumed that you definitely will get married - people spend a long time deciding whether it''s something they even want to do, where I don''t think our parents ever questioned this at all.

2. It''s acceptable (at least in Sydney) to live together, by a place and have kids before/instead of getting married.

3. Higher divorce rates have made us question the sanctity married.

4. Women earn their own money, so don''t need the security of marriage to be provided for.

5. There are higher expectations on the ring, dress, ceremony etc.. making it a lot more expensive.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

fi and i only dated 5 months before we got engaged however we had been friends previously for about 10 years for what it''s worth?

my parents didn''t even date lol, my mom had a big crush on him in high school and then he went off to fight for the army (this was in the 50s, i believe he was in japan but i could be wrong..) anyways, they got to know each other back and forth via snail mail and the last letter my dad sent was to ask my mom to marry him of course he was a smart@ss and wrote it using a secret code that she never figured out until he got home so i guess technically he did ask her in person lol, regardless, they have been together for almost 50 years now

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 9/13/2009 2:37:00 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved
fi and i only dated 5 months before we got engaged however we had been friends previously for about 10 years for what it''s worth?

my parents didn''t even date lol, my mom had a big crush on him in high school and then he went off to fight for the army (this was in the 50s, i believe he was in japan but i could be wrong..) anyways, they got to know each other back and forth via snail mail and the last letter my dad sent was to ask my mom to marry him of course he was a smart@ss and wrote it using a secret code that she never figured out until he got home so i guess technically he did ask her in person lol, regardless, they have been together for almost 50 years now

That is so sweet. I''d have gone crazy trying to figure out what it said. But so sweet.

 

[LilyKat]

I think it's a combination of fewer "incentives" to getting married (now that premarital sex and living together before marriage is the norm), and also social expectations of what should be achieved before getting married (eg finishing higher education, being established in a career, being financially independent). The social norm is also an influence - when people get engaged after less than six months of dating nowadays, it tends to attract a lot of raised eyebrows and snarky comments, which most people would rather avoid; whereas in the past, when everyone did it, it wasn't an issue.

To each their own. Personally, I like to make my mind up quickly

My parents dated for a month before getting engaged, and married 3 months later. They'll celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary in November.