Jealous older sibling

[chemgirl]

I don't have any kids, but I have a sister who is 14 months younger than I am and my mom has loads of stories about how I dealt with the new baby.

Once I wanted my mom's attention while she was nursing and decided that the best way was to bite my sister. Apparently I pushed her and refused to have anything to do with her for a while. When I was 3, I decided it was time for her to leave so I opened the front door and pushed her outside. I closed the door and went back to the table. My mom asked me where she was, and I said she "left" and continued colouring in my colouring book. My mom found her in the driveway and everything was ok, but a lot could have happened.

I think this type of behaviour is fairly typical and he'll grow out of it. I don't have any advice other than to make sure that your older son gets some one-on-one time.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Thought I would update. The jealous acting out slowly got better and now at 5 months, Hunter seems to have adjusted! He loves his brother a lot and seems to get genuine pleasure out of having him around. I think it has been this way now for a month or so, the jealous phases seemed to pass fairly fast. Just thought I would add that for any other parents struggling!

 

[lliang_chi]

Dreamer, fabulous news that Hunter's jealousy issues have passed. Sounds like he likes to keep you on your toes I'm sure soon they'll be best of friends and/or getting into ALL SORTS of trouble together

~LC

 

[Sha]

Thought I would update. The jealous acting out slowly got better and now at 5 months, Hunter seems to have adjusted! He loves his brother a lot and seems to get genuine pleasure out of having him around. I think it has been this way now for a month or so, the jealous phases seemed to pass fairly fast. Just thought I would add that for any other parents struggling!

 

[ponder]

Thanks for the update Dreamer. I really enjoyed this thread. I am a little nervous right now as I am expecting my third and am afraid of jealousy issues with my oldest. My oldest DD is 2.5 and when my second DD came along when she was 16 months old we really didn't have any problems except that she would want me to hold her while I was holding the baby and that she would constantly take the baby's socks off. Now that DD1 is 2.5 and DD2 is 15 months we are expecting DS in the next few weeks. DD2 I can't see being phased by her new brother, but my oldest worries me a little. Currently she is the biggest demand on my time and the one who wants to cuddle with mommy the most. Also she has never been thrilled with the idea of a new baby when we talk to her about it.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Ponder, in the months prior to Ryder's birth my husband started doing more care of Hunter so that he got used to being looked after by someone else, I think that helped a little.

Otherwise, fingers crossed. Hunter adores Ryder now. He really enjoys him. When they are both in the backseat, Hunter even leans over and holds Ryder's hand! That slays me.

But as I said, the beginning was rocky! The agression was hard to deal with, but we just tried to be really understanding that Hunter was hurt, and validated his feelings while also making clear the behavior was not ok. He would bite or head butt Ryder, and would get a time out. And he would say, "I don't like Ryder, I am mad at Ryder". We would say "That's ok, you can feel mad at Ryder, but you cannot hit him! You can hit the floor, or the pillow, or the bed, but not Ryder!"

Also, we found that trying to help him vocalize his feelings or identify them helped a lot too. If I was nursing Ryder, Hunter would come over and get a little pushy with him, and look angry. I would stop him and say "Hunter, are you feeling a little jealous of Ryder? Would you like to sit in my lab too?" And he always said, "Yes please." I would put Ryder down on the floor for a bit and let Hunter sit in my lap the same way Ryder had been sitting, and rock him like a baby and hug him. He liked that a lot. So trying to help him identify that he was not *actually* mad at Ryder, he was sad or jealous, seemed to make a difference. Of course, I would only do this *before* any agression (I could see he was planning something), so as not to reinforce the bad behavior.

Now I recognize when he feels that way and head it off at the pass by offering him a chance to basically sit or do whatever Ryder was doing. He likes to pretend he is a baby and get the same love and affection Yesterday I was rocking him and I said, "When you were a baby I used to rock you like this all the time, do you remember?" and he said "I remember. When Hunter was Ryder." So sweet and broke my heart!

It is important to me that he always understand any feeling he has is ok -- even hating his brother or jealousy -- but he cannot act out aggresively.

 

[janinegirly]

OMG Dreamer...I am so glad I checked in because C is acting the exact same way you describe Hunter, and I was starting to wonder if we were the exception because often all I hear about is how wonderful older siblings are to the baby. C starts off great in the morning and is so sweet and loving to the baby, but as the day progresses she can't contain her anger / jealousy as much and says things like "I don't like baby. Do NOT pick up baby - she can't eat!" All with a mean face! I have tried to validate, spend some time with her, reason with her but sometimes it's just frustrating and I have to just yell and I feel like it's all not helping. So it's nice to read you spell it out so reasonably and I'll try to be more consistent. The treating her like a baby thing would work for sure..sometimes she gets teary eyed and says "Mommy, I want you" or "Mommy put the baby down and pick me up." It's sad but on the other hand I feel so protective of the baby that when C gets pushy/rough..it's hard not to react!! There are sweet moments too for sure but the trying moments are daily too. One thing that I find so cute though is the baby actually smiles adoringly at C..even when she is shouting at her. Obviously has no idea, lol. Today I did talk to C about it all and try to validate her feelings. I said why are you mad? To which she said "I don't want the baby in this house. Only Mommy and Daddy, but NO babies. I don't want a baby sister OR a baby brother." I asked where the baby would go then and she said after a long pause "Grandma's house." Oh boy, but I did have to laugh a bit. Thank god she didn't say anything worse!

Anyway, thanks for sharing and good to hear it turns in a few months...I know it will, but nice to be reassured. Meanwhile I go back to work on Monday...ugh. Lucky you with the 1yr of leave!

 

[nararabbit]

Dreamer, my co-worker had a baby last year, and her little boy was so jealous that he kept putting the baby in the trash can. LOL!!! He is getting better about it. She makes a big deal about how he is the big brother and she NEEDS his help! She directs his energy as much as possible by giving him specific tasks to help her with - handing her the baby powder, reading books to the baby with her, etc.
Her husband has also taken him into the kitchen with him (he does all the cooking) and has made it clear that it's his job around the house now too, so they have nice male bonding time.

 

[ponder]

Nararabbit thank you so much for posting!!! My 2.5 year old is SO into helping me that I think that that may be the best way to approach the new baby with her. She loves spending time with me and helping like a big girl.SO

 

[ponder]

Update: I got off so easy. My 2.5 year old DD is in love with her new baby brother. She wants to do everything with him and is being so helpful. My 1 year old DD is being a little needy, but in general thinks he is interesting when she is not indifferent to his existence. We will see if things continue to go so smoothly once the newness wears off.