Jack and Jill shower?

[luvthemstrawberries]

FI and I aren't so much into EVERYthing that has to do with the typical traditions leading up to a wedding. We like most of it, but not all. I've searched on PS about this and found a thread where some of you listed the different parties you had leading up to yours. That helps a little, but I'm interested in your opinions on how to go about this, or if it will throw a kink in things more than anything.

I think my parents are planning to throw an engagement party soon for us - nothing fancy, just a bbq or something. I guess they'd invite everyone they think would be at the wedding. (?)

My cousin is getting married this fall, and my mom as the aunt is hosting our side of the family's wedding shower for her this summer. Then us bridesmaids will host one closer to the wedding, I guess her lingerie shower or something. My mom was talking about how my cousin's family on the other side should also have a shower for her, and her friends at school/work probably will to. Then she said "just like how your aunt will give you a shower for our family, and J's mom will probably have one for their side."

I didn't say anything then, but J's relationship with his family is ok, but not really close. Not close enough by a mile in my book to host a shower for me. Plus the idea of me sitting in a chair with a bunch of girls/women cooing around me about the towels, toaster, etc is just not my idea of comfortable/fun at all. So I like the idea of a Jack and Jill shower - invite everyone we know, just have one shower, and FI and I are both there to open gifts and stuff, and women and men are invited (not just couples, but everyone). I don't think my mom would be crazy about this idea, but she'd be ok with it if it's what we wanted.

I guess I'd just like to know if this is a common thing. Who hosts it? Would it be a huge burden on my family to do it for more than just our side of the family? My mom is pretty into the etiquette of who's supposed to host what, so I'm unsure of how to approach this. I don't want to offend, because she's pretty excited about me getting married. But I just like the idea more of FI and I sharing things that are bought off a register and given to us, if there's going to be a shower... instead of it all being just on me with only women around for multiple showers. Thanks guys

 

[tlh]

A friend of mine did that. The MOH and BM were the hosts... at the MOH''s house.

 

[meresal]

ILTS: From what I understand about "Jack&Jill's", is that they are more of a "puchase a ticket to come, and then party" kind of party, than a shower of sorts. I don't think that many people bring gifts?

There was a post here a few months ago about one, but I am from the south and these are pretty much unheard of, so I could be completely off base. I'll try and dig the thread up...

ETA: Here it is... https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/is-there-a-standard-donation-for-a-jack-and-jill.103977/

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 2/17/2009 9:50:27 AM
Author: meresal
ILTS: From what I understand about ''Jack&Jill''s'', is that they are more of a ''puchase a ticket to come, and then party'' kind of party, than a shower of sorts. I don''t think that many people bring gifts?

There was a post here a few months ago about one, but I am from the south and these are pretty much unheard of, so I could be completely off base. I''ll try and dig the thread up...

ETA: Here it is... https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/is-there-a-standard-donation-for-a-jack-and-jill.103977/

Mer- I get the impression that she is more referring to a "couple''s shower" than a Jack and Jill party.

It sounds like your cousin is having a TON of showers! Wow. Generous family and friends!

If the combined couple''s shower is what will make you most comfortable and happy then go for it! Maybe you could ask your BMs and MOH to pitch in with the tasks associated with hosting it so your mother doesn''t feel overwhelmed at the prospect of having all these people around that she doesn''t really know.

 

[neatfreak]

I think a couple''s shower is fine if your FI is fine with it, but I also wouldn''t call it a "Jack and Jill" which in many places means a "buy a ticket to help the bride and groom pay for things" party rather than a shower.

 

[elrohwen]

I don''t know if there''s any good way to approach it with your mother other than "Hey, mom, I want to have one big shower with FI and myself instead of a bunch of little showers" and see what she says! She might be more likely to agree if you can find people to help her out (maybe she and your aunt can combine forces?). But if she''s really into etiquette and who''s supposed to do what, she might never like the idea of a co-ed shower. I certainly don''t blame you for wanting one! I had a very small shower and I insisted that FI and my dad hang around for it. One of the girls even wished she had brought her husband when she found out FI was staying for the shower, so I think lots of young people like the idea, it''s just the sticklers for etiquette who aren''t so keen on it.

 

[tlh]

Wow, I had never heard of Jack & Jill in terms of guests paying for a ticket to help w/ wedding costs... wowzers... I love learning new things. That is just news to me... my friend did a couple''s shower, and it was a lot of fun.

 

[NovemberBride]

I think there is no problem at all with a couples shower if that is what you want. I would just make sure your FI is into the idea as well. I know my DH would not have wanted a couples shower, and even though I am sure he would have gone along if that''s what I wanted, his friends would not have been too thrilled with attending a shower and would have to get dragged kicking and screaming by their wives and girlfirends, and I''m pretty sure the single ones would not have come at all. Where I live showers are definitely a "women" thing and the types of activities that take place (games, opening of presents, etc) generally wouldn''t appeal to men. That said, if you made it less like a typical shower and more like a regular party, they might be more inclined to come.

 

[mia1181]

You are actually thinking of a couples or coed shower and I think it is a great idea! Just make sure the party isn''t too girly and the men will have something to do.

As for your mother saying that you need to have X,Y and Z showers, I have never heard of that. Most brides have one big shower and anything after that is a bonus. Your Aunt, MIL, Bridesmaids, Coworkers MAY want to each throw you a seperate bridal shower but it really isn''t mandatory IMO. Just tell your mom you don''t want to deal with a hundred different showers.

 

[musey]

Date: 2/17/2009 8:24:17 AM
Author:luvthemstrawberries
I like the idea of a Jack and Jill shower - invite everyone we know, just have one shower, and FI and I are both there to open gifts and stuff, and women and men are invited (not just couples, but everyone). I don't think my mom would be crazy about this idea, but she'd be ok with it if it's what we wanted.

I guess I'd just like to know if this is a common thing. Who hosts it?

I don't know if it's a common thing, but it's what we did! We didn't invite "everyone we know" though... I don't think showers are ever meant to be for a large group (you also mentioned inviting everyone that you think will be at the wedding? Or did you mean for the engagement party?). They're supposed to be (traditionally) for the women closest to the bride, and if you're doing co-ed, the people closest to the couple. I think that the reason for this is that if it's an especially large group it can come off as a gift-grab.

Usually that doesn't end up being a huge group. For us, it was only about 30 people (larger than usual because of the nature of our particular party), and I think the norm is ~10-40 max.

My matron of honor 'hosted', technically, insofar as she planned it - but it was held at my parents' house because it was centrally located (in the country - we came from CA, MOH came from NY, in-laws came from WA, etc.) and large enough to comfortably host a group. For the typical 'shower' part she organized some great co-ed games, and the rest of the time (MOST of the party, by far), was spent eating yummy food and just plain hanging out. It wasn't that structured. It turned into a pool party, in the end

Would it be a huge burden on my family to do it for more than just our side of the family?

Again, this probably depends on how large a group you're planning to invite. If your mom is into the etiquette of this stuff, she knows that shower guest lists are not supposed to be all that large. It's more birthday party size, as opposed to wedding/engagement party/bar mitzvah size.

You would probably invite parents, siblings, a few choice relatives that are especially close, and your very best friends.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Hey guys, thanks so much for the comments so far!!

And for the votes of confidence to go for it!!

I am talking about a "couple''s shower." I just used "Jack and Jill" because that''s the only name I''ve heard for it - but definitely not referring to the ones with cover charges and all. And I didn''t know if the term "couples shower" would infer that only couples were invited and that singles would be third wheels.

tlh - Did you attend your friend''s shower? If so, was it fun - did it seem like a good time, not too stressful to plan? Was it large or small?

meresal - I''m from the south too, still living here. NO ONE, haha and I mean no one, I know has done one before (cover charge type party, or a couples shower). We''re still pretty traditional people, but I think some things about our relationship and wedding are going to surprise some of my deep-in-tradition family members... i.e. "no boquet toss??? what???"

Clairitek - Yeah my cousin is definitely surrounded by generous people. Luckily for her... I think she almost expects it.

My mom and aunt are just very into checking etiquette, such as for the upcoming shower, as a bridesmaid, they said I''m not supposed to help host this one for the family, but rather the one later with the other bridesmaids. To me, I just wonder why it matters?? And they talk about separate showers with separate hosts because our family''s so big, they think it''s overwhelming for one side to invite the other.

I''m not having bridesmaids or a MOH, but I guess I''d try to have people pitch in to help my mom. She''s even commented before that the mother of the bride technically isn''t supposed to host showers, that it''s the duty of close family instead.

neat - Haha yeah I''ve never even heard of a party with cover charges to help the bride and groom. Guess it''s just location/exposure (or lack thereof

).

elrohwen - I think that''s the ticket - to get my mom and aunt to combine forces!!

She is definitely into the etiquette, just as my aunt is, but things aren''t going to work well with this wedding planning if they''re not willing to bend away from it for some things. I think she''ll be ok though, she''s a pretty cool mom.

Hehe, that''s awesome you were able to get your FI and dad to hang around for yours!

Novemberbride - Hehe yeah I should definitely make sure FI is good with it - I''ve mentioned it in passing before, he seemed fine with it. He''s never that enthusaistic about things anyway.

Yeah the showers you mentioned are just like the ones we have here - punch, fingerfoods, everyone sits around and watches the bride open presents and say thank you while someone sits beside her to write all of them down with the gifter''s name, for use later in thank you cards. I don''t mind that so much, but I''d rather have FI there, since registries and gifts are for him just as much as me. And I think I''m not a shower games person at ALL.

(Me getting wrapped in toilet paper = not very fun for strawberries...) So we''d have to come up with some different way to make it entertaining, I suppose.

mia - Hehe wouldn''t that be a hoot - invite guys, and have all the paper wedding bells, and pink punch, and wrap the guys in toilet paper wedding dresses instead!!

Yeah my mom talks about separate showers because the last one we hosted was a baby shower, and the other side of the family wasn''t planning to host one, so the mother-to-be asked us to invite them as well... which was honestly too much of a burden for one shower. But I''ve also been to bridal showers where the bride''s family, coworkers, and high school friends were all there together for the one shower. So I''ve seen different things. But I do agree with you - I think Mom would perfectly understand not wanting a bunch of different showers to sit through, especially when I''m the type who typically sits back and watches, not really asking for spotlight.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Hey musey - thanks so much for the reply! That''s awesome that''s what you guys did - it''s great to get firsthand advice.

I only mentioned inviting everyone who''s invited to the wedding because I thought I''d heard that''s what''s proper to do - invite all the wedding guests to the shower, or vice versa. But hey, if it''s ok to invite a much smaller, closer group, I am ALL for that, believe me!! Sounds like awesome advice to me. I''ll have to pass this along to Mom.

Just to set me straight, if we are registering, and this is our one shower, and we don''t invite all the wedding guests to it, do people who still want to bring a gift supposed to bring it to the wedding? Is that how it works? Or is the shower supposed to be their opportunity? (Not trying to be ignorant, I just am sometimes.

Plus you hear so many different ways it''s "supposed" to be.)

If you don''t mind me asking, what kind of games did you guys play that worked as co-ed?

 

[musey]

Date: 2/17/2009 1:33:48 PM
Author: luvthemstrawberries
I only mentioned inviting everyone who's invited to the wedding because I thought I'd heard that's what's proper to do - invite all the wedding guests to the shower, or vice versa. But hey, if it's ok to invite a much smaller, closer group, I am ALL for that, believe me!! Sounds like awesome advice to me. I'll have to pass this along to Mom.

No, it's actually traditional to not invite everyone (unless you're having a teeny tiny wedding), and while I'm unsure whether traditional etiquette frowns upon having a large shower (ie. everyone that's invited to the wedding... Haven??), I know that in common practice people tend to view it as a gift grab. What is most commonly done/expected/accepted is to invite only those closest to the bride (and groom, in this case), in which case it's difficult to imagine that number exceeding, say, 40 or 50 at the most.

Here's a simple run-down from Emily Post:
Showers are intimate gatherings for people you know very well—not excuses to haul in more gifts.

Just to set me straight, if we are registering, and this is our one shower, and we don't invite all the wedding guests to it, do people who still want to bring a gift supposed to bring it to the wedding? Is that how it works? Or is the shower supposed to be their opportunity? (Not trying to be ignorant, I just am sometimes.

Plus you hear so many different ways it's 'supposed' to be.)

You can ask your relatives when it comes to your cousin's wedding, but this isn't info that you need to know for your own shower/wedding, right? Because you're not the one getting the gifts (or not), the guests will be. They won't need to be told what to do

That said, this depends on your region. I've heard some people say that it's common practice in their area to gift from the registry for the shower, but give cash at the wedding. Some others say to gift from the registry for both occasions.

Since we traveled to our shower, most people gave us gift cards (if anything, since we did try to communicate "no gifts" ahead of time) and then gifted as usual for the wedding.

In any case, most people don't think of the shower gift as being 'it,' though I have read on PS that some people do.

If you don't mind me asking, what kind of games did you guys play that worked as co-ed?

We only played two games.

The first she called "the newlywed game." She kept the women and I in one room, and sent the men + my hubby off with her husband (who also happened to be our officiant

) into another. They had a list of questions to ask my then-fiance and I about each other, and wrote down the answers.

When we re-convened, the men and women took turns asking me his questions and vice-versa, and we'd have to guess what the other answered.

So it looked like this, with an example question:

-Musey's FI, what's the one item of clothing she has that you can't stand? (He would answer this in the other room.)
-Then they'd ask me, "Musey, we asked your FI what one item of clothing you have that he can't stand. What was his answer?"
-Then I'd answer and see if I got it right. Lots of fun!


The second was "recipes for a good marriage" (sounds cheesy but it was SO funny!). My MOH distributed recipe cards at the beginning of the party, and told people to write their "recipe for a good marriage" on it. She gathered up all the cards before we sat down for game time, and put them in a little box. Then she passed around the box, and each person pulled one card out and read it. Then my husband and I got to guess who wrote it.

People wrote some hilarious things, and it was so fun to try to guess who'd come up with what. My favorite:

1 cup of love
4 cups of respect
2 cups of laughter
A pinch of passion
2 tsp of adventure
1 gallon of "Yes Dear"

We have all the "recipes" in a darling scrapbook that my MOH put together for us, where she wrote all the different things we did, who attended, gifts that were given, memories of the day. I lurve her.

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/17/2009 1:27:53 PM
Author: luvthemstrawberries

meresal - I''m from the south too, still living here. NO ONE, haha and I mean no one, I know has done one before (cover charge type party, or a couples shower). We''re still pretty traditional people, but I think some things about our relationship and wedding are going to surprise some of my deep-in-tradition family members... i.e. ''no boquet toss??? what???''

Hey there! I have a few friends that have done couples showers, I have never heard of a "Jack and Jill" shower until the one thread I posted earlier (and haven''t heard of one since, for that matter), and have never been to a shower where single men were invited.

The couples showers that I have been to were just that, Couples. I think that a shower where you invite single guys is very new age. My mom is quite the etiquette queen, and I don''t think that she would like that idea.

I am having a couples shower back home, but it is being thrown by my mom''s golf friends. I''m not sure if any of my friends and their SO''s will be there or if it will just be my parent''s friends, that I have grown up with. More than likely, no more than 20-30 people total.

Other than that, my FMIL, FGMIL, and FSIL are throwing me one huge shower. It will probably be around 80 people. (Won''t be at someone''s home). My BM''s and both of our families are located all over the place, so the best option was to have one big one, and then the wedding. I''m really excited about it, and we''re hoping that just having one will be a great way for alot of the ladies to meet before the wedding, and won''t require me traveling all over the state of Texas for multiple showers. Many of my BM''s are not actually friends themselves, so this will be a good opportunity for them to hang out ahead of time as well.
I think this is the best option for our situation, and I tend to think you should do what you feel comfortable with.

 

[musey]

Date: 2/17/2009 2:46:31 PM
Author: meresal
The couples showers that I have been to were just that, Couples. I think that a shower where you invite single guys is very new age. My mom is quite the etiquette queen, and I don't think that she would like that idea.

Interesting!

We didn't call ours a couples shower, just a co-ed shower. It basically was just a shower with the gender line removed. So if single women were invited, so were single men.

I suppose we're pretty new-agey, but I'm not sure how much we can claim given that we did in fact get married and have a shower, etc. We just tossed out the traditions we didn't like (no bouquet/garter toss, had a totally secular ceremony, a gifts-free shower (for the most part) just because we wanted to have a party, uneven bridal party, no veil...).

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 2/17/2009 2:05:10 PM
Author: musey
We only played two games.

The first she called ''the newlywed game.'' She kept the women and I in one room, and sent the men + my hubby off with her husband (who also happened to be our officiant

) into another. They had a list of questions to ask my then-fiance and I about each other, and wrote down the answers.

When we re-convened, the men and women took turns asking me his questions and vice-versa, and we''d have to guess what the other answered.

So it looked like this, with an example question:

-Musey''s FI, what''s the one item of clothing she has that you can''t stand? (He would answer this in the other room.)
-Then they''d ask me, ''Musey, we asked your FI what one item of clothing you have that he can''t stand. What was his answer?''
-Then I''d answer and see if I got it right. Lots of fun!


The second was ''recipes for a good marriage'' (sounds cheesy but it was SO funny!). My MOH distributed recipe cards at the beginning of the party, and told people to write their ''recipe for a good marriage'' on it. She gathered up all the cards before we sat down for game time, and put them in a little box. Then she passed around the box, and each person pulled one card out and read it. Then my husband and I got to guess who wrote it.

People wrote some hilarious things, and it was so fun to try to guess who''d come up with what. My favorite:

1 cup of love
4 cups of respect
2 cups of laughter
A pinch of passion
2 tsp of adventure
1 gallon of ''Yes Dear''

We have all the ''recipes'' in a darling scrapbook that my MOH put together for us, where she wrote all the different things we did, who attended, gifts that were given, memories of the day. I lurve her.

Musey- Thanks for sharing the games! Sounds like your shower was fun.

Strawberries- thanks for asking these questions and saving me the time! I am sorta like you and not too into showers n such. I don''t have a ton of girlfriends or female relatives so for me it would like sitting around with my mom, aunt, and bridal party!

I wanted to tell you one more tidbit from my very small shower-related experience. The last (and only) one I''ve been to was hosted by the women in the bride''s family. Her mother, aunt, grandma, sister, etc. She has a good amount of female relatives. I don''t think the BP had much to do with it, mostly because they were fairly spreadout. I am in the throes of trying to plan my friend''s shower and have asked my friend if she thought her step mom (who LOVES to plan and host parties) would want to have a big part of it. Thankfully the answer is yes and I am excited to plan with her. I know etiquette might dictate otherwise but I think all that matters in the hosting end of things is that the people who host genuinely care for for the bride and groom and are willing and happy to help!

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/17/2009 2:54:04 PM
Author: musey
Interesting!

We didn''t call ours a couples shower, just a co-ed shower. It basically was just a shower with the gender line removed. So if single women were invited, so were single men.

I suppose we''re pretty new-agey, but I''m not sure how much we can claim given that we did in fact get married and have a shower, etc. We just tossed out the traditions we didn''t like (no bouquet/garter toss, had a totally secular ceremony, a gifts-free shower (for the most part) just because we wanted to have a party, uneven bridal party, no veil...).

That''s kind of what I would consider this. More of a celebration than a shower. Did you call it a shower? How did you let people know it would be more of a party than an "afternoon tea", for lack of a better example?

I''ve never been to a couples shower where there were singles invited. For that matter, I was not invited to my college roomate''s Couples'' Shower, because my ex and I were not dating anymore. (lol! That sounds horrible but I thought nothing of it.)

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Awesome musey thanks for the link and the info about your shower. I like the idea of calling it just "co-ed" and not "couples" - that''s what I was trying to get away from earlier, but I don''t think "Jack and Jill" is the right term either.

Thanks for the etiquette advice too. I hear so many things from different people I know, from reading online, etc.

**And just so anyone reading this is aware, I am in no way trying to be a gift-grabber or be greedy by any means. We do plan on registering, 1) because there are things we need (or need to badly replace), and 2) because my entire family views gifts as a given for showers/weddings, so I know if I don''t register, I''ll be getting more questions than anything else about why not. And while we need things, why not?

But I would never go so far as to ask for gifts or anything, and I certainly don''t want a shower to come across as a gift-grabbing session.

So it''s good to know about the size thing for showers. Thanks for that.

I like the idea of only having people we''re close to at the shower anyway - makes it much more special.

And as far as my region, I do know that in past weddings with my family, my mom would either get a smaller gift for the shower and bring a small one to the wedding too, or just a larger one to one event (usually the shower if we''re invited). Good to know about what you said pertaining to different ways people gift - that''s very interesting how it varies!

Hehe I like both those games - they sound like a lot of fun!

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 2/17/2009 2:46:31 PM
Author: meresal
Hey there! I have a few friends that have done couples showers, I have never heard of a ''Jack and Jill'' shower until the one thread I posted earlier (and haven''t heard of one since, for that matter), and have never been to a shower where single men were invited.

The couples showers that I have been to were just that, Couples. I think that a shower where you invite single guys is very new age. My mom is quite the etiquette queen, and I don''t think that she would like that idea.

I am having a couples shower back home, but it is being thrown by my mom''s golf friends. I''m not sure if any of my friends and their SO''s will be there or if it will just be my parent''s friends, that I have grown up with. More than likely, no more than 20-30 people total.

Other than that, my FMIL, FGMIL, and FSIL are throwing me one huge shower. It will probably be around 80 people. (Won''t be at someone''s home). My BM''s and both of our families are located all over the place, so the best option was to have one big one, and then the wedding. I''m really excited about it, and we''re hoping that just having one will be a great way for alot of the ladies to meet before the wedding, and won''t require me traveling all over the state of Texas for multiple showers. Many of my BM''s are not actually friends themselves, so this will be a good opportunity for them to hang out ahead of time as well.
I think this is the best option for our situation, and I tend to think you should do what you feel comfortable with.

So meresal this larger shower is just for women right? That actually sounds pretty fun. I just wouldn''t want all 80 sitting around as an audience watching me open presents, haha! I think that''s the biggest thing for me. I''d want it less structured. But that does sound really neat to get to meet everybody in that way. Did your future inlaws offer to throw the shower this size on their own?

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 2/17/2009 2:54:04 PM
Author: musey

Date: 2/17/2009 2:46:31 PM
Author: meresal
The couples showers that I have been to were just that, Couples. I think that a shower where you invite single guys is very new age. My mom is quite the etiquette queen, and I don''t think that she would like that idea.

Interesting!

We didn''t call ours a couples shower, just a co-ed shower. It basically was just a shower with the gender line removed. So if single women were invited, so were single men.

I suppose we''re pretty new-agey, but I''m not sure how much we can claim given that we did in fact get married and have a shower, etc. We just tossed out the traditions we didn''t like (no bouquet/garter toss, had a totally secular ceremony, a gifts-free shower (for the most part) just because we wanted to have a party, uneven bridal party, no veil...).

Hehe we''re an extreme mix of some very traditional elements, then some really REALLY new age, I think.

Sounds like some of the traditions you threw out are the same ones we''ll probably leave out also.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 2/17/2009 3:03:01 PM
Author: Clairitek

Musey- Thanks for sharing the games! Sounds like your shower was fun.

Strawberries- thanks for asking these questions and saving me the time! I am sorta like you and not too into showers n such. I don''t have a ton of girlfriends or female relatives so for me it would like sitting around with my mom, aunt, and bridal party!

I wanted to tell you one more tidbit from my very small shower-related experience. The last (and only) one I''ve been to was hosted by the women in the bride''s family. Her mother, aunt, grandma, sister, etc. She has a good amount of female relatives. I don''t think the BP had much to do with it, mostly because they were fairly spreadout. I am in the throes of trying to plan my friend''s shower and have asked my friend if she thought her step mom (who LOVES to plan and host parties) would want to have a big part of it. Thankfully the answer is yes and I am excited to plan with her. I know etiquette might dictate otherwise but I think all that matters in the hosting end of things is that the people who host genuinely care for for the bride and groom and are willing and happy to help!

That''s exactly what I needed to hear! Especially with different circumstances for people making etiquette such a difficult thing to follow sometimes. I just hope the rest of my family will agree and go along... haha and if not, oh well! I know my mom''s got my own interests at heart. So... here''s to what really matters in life!!!

 

[musey]

Date: 2/17/2009 3:19:23 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 2/17/2009 2:54:04 PM
Author: musey
Interesting!

We didn't call ours a couples shower, just a co-ed shower. It basically was just a shower with the gender line removed. So if single women were invited, so were single men.

I suppose we're pretty new-agey, but I'm not sure how much we can claim given that we did in fact get married and have a shower, etc. We just tossed out the traditions we didn't like (no bouquet/garter toss, had a totally secular ceremony, a gifts-free shower (for the most part) just because we wanted to have a party, uneven bridal party, no veil...).

That's kind of what I would consider this. More of a celebration than a shower. Did you call it a shower? How did you let people know it would be more of a party than an 'afternoon tea', for lack of a better example?

Not a shower because of the gifts thing, or because it wasn't a refined event?

I think this has an extreme variance by region. I would never go to a shower expecting it to be an 'afternoon tea.' In fact, I don't think I'd go to a shower expecting it to be anything in particular, other than a gathering that likely would include games and gifts. If I couldn't tell the formality (for dressing purposes) from the invitation, I'd call and ask to be sure.

We didn't feel the need to let anyone know anything about the tone other than the traditional "let the invitations set the formality tone" thing. My MOH did pretty informal invitations (I think, I'm not sure I ever saw them). If people asked, they answered (ie. gifts? not expected, kids? childcare provided, swimming? (people knew that my parents have a pool) yes, bring your swimsuit if you'd like, men? yep! (they were addressed on the invitation).

Honestly though, I didn't plan it, so I suppose I cant speak for how "we" did much of anything! We weren't uptight about it, we didn't have a better term for a pre-wedding party that included the people closest to us (though I did feel uncomfortable terming it a "shower" because of the implication of gifts) so we just called it a shower.

I don't think people gave a crap what we called it as long as they could come hang out with us for the afternoon.

To be fair, though, the fact that we played games like we did really did make it a shower more than anything else. It just depends on what you feel defines a "shower," I suppose.

We also had a co-ed bachelor/-ette weekend in Vegas, and did everything together (no separate guys'/girls' shenanigans). We're not very traditional I suppose

I've never been to a couples shower where there were singles invited. For that matter, I was not invited to my college roomate's Couples' Shower, because my ex and I were not dating anymore. (lol! That sounds horrible but I thought nothing of it.)

I don't see why it would matter, I suppose I'm a big boggled by this! But I suppose I've never heard the term 'couples' shower' as applied to the guest list, only to communicate that the guests of honor would be a couple not just the bride. Just as a Bridal Shower refers to the bride, a Couples' Shower would refer to the couple (the one getting married).

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/17/2009 3:52:37 PM
Author: musey

Date: 2/17/2009 3:19:23 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 2/17/2009 2:54:04 PM
Author: musey
Interesting!

We didn''t call ours a couples shower, just a co-ed shower. It basically was just a shower with the gender line removed. So if single women were invited, so were single men.

I suppose we''re pretty new-agey, but I''m not sure how much we can claim given that we did in fact get married and have a shower, etc. We just tossed out the traditions we didn''t like (no bouquet/garter toss, had a totally secular ceremony, a gifts-free shower (for the most part) just because we wanted to have a party, uneven bridal party, no veil...).

That''s kind of what I would consider this. More of a celebration than a shower. Did you call it a shower? How did you let people know it would be more of a party than an ''afternoon tea'', for lack of a better example?

Not a shower because of the gifts thing, or because it wasn''t a refined event?

I think this has an extreme variance by region. I would never go to a shower expecting it to be an ''afternoon tea.'' In fact, I don''t think I''d go to a shower expecting it to be anything in particular, other than a gathering that likely would include games and gifts. If I couldn''t tell the formality (for dressing purposes) from the invitation, I''d call and ask to be sure.

We didn''t feel the need to let anyone know anything about the tone other than the traditional ''let the invitations set the formality tone'' thing. My MOH did pretty informal invitations (I think, I''m not sure I ever saw them). If people asked, they answered (ie. gifts? not expected, kids? childcare provided, swimming? (people knew that my parents have a pool) yes, bring your swimsuit if you''d like, men? yep! (they were addressed on the invitation).

Honestly though, I didn''t plan it, so I suppose I cant speak for how ''we'' did much of anything! We weren''t uptight about it, we didn''t have a better term for a pre-wedding party that included the people closest to us (though I did feel uncomfortable terming it a ''shower'' because of the implication of gifts) so we just called it a shower.

I don''t think people gave a crap what we called it as long as they could come hang out with us for the afternoon.

To be fair, though, the fact that we played games like we did really did make it a shower more than anything else. It just depends on what you feel defines a ''shower,'' I suppose.

We also had a co-ed bachelor/-ette weekend in Vegas, and did everything together (no separate guys''/girls'' shenanigans). We''re not very traditional I suppose

I''ve never been to a couples shower where there were singles invited. For that matter, I was not invited to my college roomate''s Couples'' Shower, because my ex and I were not dating anymore. (lol! That sounds horrible but I thought nothing of it.)

I don''t see why it would matter, I suppose I''m a big boggled by this! But I suppose I''ve never heard the term ''couples'' shower'' as applied to the guest list, only to communicate that the guests of honor would be a couple not just the bride. Just as a Bridal Shower refers to the bride, a Couples'' Shower would refer to the couple (the one getting married).

Musey, of course not! I meant nothing of the sort. I''m very sorry if that was the impression I gave.
Where I am from, Texas, the minute you hear shower, I think the first thing that comes to many people''s mind is, "girls". The only reason I said "celebration", is becuase here, I''m not sure that any of the guys I know would think going to a "Shower" was normal. It would definitely be one of the first I had heard. Just a cultural thing indeed.

I don''t mean to sound ignorant, or to offend anyone, in any way. This is the first that I have heard of Co-ed showers, so I may not have the correct filter on. I apologize musey.

 

[musey]

LOL! Sorry, I have to giggle... I wrote that only because it was indeed an unrefined event, and you're apologizing for possibly insinuating that it was unrefined. It's funny that you're apologizing for giving the impression that you thought it sounded unrefined (as though that would be a bad thing), when that was what we intended to be

Having trouble articulating why I think it's funny

Suffice to say, you have nothing to apologize for, I was just explaining our approach to it.


Anyway, I also don't think I know many men who would think it ordinary to be invited to a shower. I don't think that that necessitates extra splainin', though. They may have been surprised at being addressed on the invitation, but I can't imagine their being invited requiring any kind of explanation other than "you're invited."

I've never been into the "girls only" thing. I've always had friends of both genders (most often more guys than girls), so nothing in my life has ever been "girls only!" and my husband's always been that way too. The wedding events have been no exception. Besides, my husband is by far my best friend in the world and all of our friends are friends with each other - why would we want to exclude or separate genders when it's always more fun to all be together?

I dunno, maybe we're just weirdos! Good thing our family/friends are used to it, because we didn't seem to raise any eyebrows with our untraditional shenanigans!

 

[meresal]

hehe

... understand perfectly. I felt so bad.

FI and I are weirdos. Acutally I have always had friends that are girls, but my best friends have always been guys. Ohh shenanigans!! love that word!

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 2/17/2009 3:52:37 PM
Author: musey

I think this has an extreme variance by region. I would never go to a shower expecting it to be an ''afternoon tea.'' In fact, I don''t think I''d go to a shower expecting it to be anything in particular, other than a gathering that likely would include games and gifts. If I couldn''t tell the formality (for dressing purposes) from the invitation, I''d call and ask to be sure.

We didn''t feel the need to let anyone know anything about the tone other than the traditional ''let the invitations set the formality tone'' thing. My MOH did pretty informal invitations (I think, I''m not sure I ever saw them). If people asked, they answered (ie. gifts? not expected, kids? childcare provided, swimming? (people knew that my parents have a pool) yes, bring your swimsuit if you''d like, men? yep! (they were addressed on the invitation).

Honestly though, I didn''t plan it, so I suppose I cant speak for how ''we'' did much of anything! We weren''t uptight about it, we didn''t have a better term for a pre-wedding party that included the people closest to us (though I did feel uncomfortable terming it a ''shower'' because of the implication of gifts) so we just called it a shower.

I don''t think people gave a crap what we called it as long as they could come hang out with us for the afternoon.

To be fair, though, the fact that we played games like we did really did make it a shower more than anything else. It just depends on what you feel defines a ''shower,'' I suppose.

We also had a co-ed bachelor/-ette weekend in Vegas, and did everything together (no separate guys''/girls'' shenanigans). We''re not very traditional I suppose

Sounds like this really does vary by region. I''m sure my grandmas would probably wonder why in the world men were there, hehe.

Musey, sounds like your invitations were a good way to set the tone. And addressing to the men as well I think would be an obvious enough way to let them know they''re invited too. And sounds like calling it a "shower" is still the best option, for lack of a better word. There''s never going to be a way to make it foolproof for everyone to know it''s a laid back "party" with some shower qualities.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 2/17/2009 3:52:37 PM
Author: musey

I don''t see why it would matter, I suppose I''m a big boggled by this! But I suppose I''ve never heard the term ''couples'' shower'' as applied to the guest list, only to communicate that the guests of honor would be a couple not just the bride. Just as a Bridal Shower refers to the bride, a Couples'' Shower would refer to the couple (the one getting married).

That''s kind of what I was hoping people would get from the term "couples shower." Not that it was only to invite couples, but to honor the couple, instead of just the bride. In my eyes, both people are getting married, and the registry is usually for both of them. We''d just have to make it entertaining for the guys to have a good time - haha the girls at showers I usually go to, at least in my family, don''t need any entertainment except to just gab gab gab gab gab gab gab.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 2/17/2009 4:39:48 PM
Author: musey

Anyway, I also don''t think I know many men who would think it ordinary to be invited to a shower. I don''t think that that necessitates extra splainin'', though. They may have been surprised at being addressed on the invitation, but I can''t imagine their being invited requiring any kind of explanation other than ''you''re invited.''

I''ve never been into the ''girls only'' thing. I''ve always had friends of both genders (most often more guys than girls), so nothing in my life has ever been ''girls only!'' and my husband''s always been that way too. The wedding events have been no exception. Besides, my husband is by far my best friend in the world and all of our friends are friends with each other - why would we want to exclude or separate genders when it''s always more fun to all be together?

I dunno, maybe we''re just weirdos! Good thing our family/friends are used to it, because we didn''t seem to raise any eyebrows with our untraditional shenanigans!

I don''t know many men who''d expect it either. But hopefully they''d play along!

Good to hear I''m not the only one not really into the girls only stuff. It''s not an entirely bad thing whatsoever, but it''s just not my idea of fun.

Hehe you''re not weirdos! I think my family''s the same way - getting very used to me pushing the envelope. Mom''s kind of just started to say "whatever you want" hehe, instead of asking why I think that way.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 2/17/2009 11:21:47 PM
Author: meresal
hehe

... understand perfectly. I felt so bad.

FI and I are weirdos. Acutally I have always had friends that are girls, but my best friends have always been guys. Ohh shenanigans!! love that word!

meresal hehe you''re not weirdos either!!! Haha, or maybe FI and I are just weirdos along with you and musey and your guys.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 2/17/2009 4:19:21 PM
Author: meresal

Where I am from, Texas, the minute you hear shower, I think the first thing that comes to many people''s mind is, ''girls''. The only reason I said ''celebration'', is becuase here, I''m not sure that any of the guys I know would think going to a ''Shower'' was normal. It would definitely be one of the first I had heard. Just a cultural thing indeed.

meresal - All people I know consider the word "shower" to mean "girls" too. I actually don''t know if many men I know would want to come at all.

You know, I talked to my mom yesterday. We were talking about the different showers for my cousin, and she pointed out that I should do what I want, but I just need to make sure that since this is the one chance I plan to have to be "showered" and do these things where I''m the "guest of honor," that those aren''t things I''d look back on and wish I''d done. She sort of thinks that if I didn''t have a bridal party who would throw me a lingerie shower, I might wish I had down the road. Or that if I don''t do the traditional shower with the women, I might wish I''d had the chance to down the road. I mean, I admit, yeah it''d be sort of fun, like you''re talking about having that huge get-together with all those women and getting to meet them. I think that might be nice. But I also like the idea of sharing it all with my FI too, since he''s a whole half of this wedding thing.

I asked my mom why in the world people want to get lingerie and underwear from other people. I''d much rather pick that stuff out myself. Her response was "sometimes these are just things you do! Most of that stuff peope don''t actually wear anyway!" I told her I''d rather do things that are personal and meaningful, not just "because." And that I don''t want people buying me things I''m never going to wear. I think she might have a hard time dealing with showers and stuff when I throw stuff at her that''s not in etiquette books, such as me not having a bridal party, or wanting a co-ed shower.

I told her there were creative alternatives, such as hanging out with close family instead of a bridal party luncheon, or doing fun advice games instead of a lingerie shower. She said she''s just got to go get a book on this stuff because she''s just not up to date on it.

I told her this stuff usually isn''t in books, and to go GOOGLE it - it''s free, and unlimited information is at your fingertips! Hehe, she''s old school.

Would there be a good way to have some sort of co-ed shower for where gifts are concerned, but still do something small that''s women-only? Maybe just a luncheon closer to the wedding or something?