IYO,did we do the right thing by helping our daughter

[TristanC]

I think you did right. In your shoes, I would just be grateful for the ability to have done what you did. I'm sure many parents would like to be able to make that gift, but were just financially unable.

Gifting, or creating dependence are two different things. If you loaned/gave money, you are an enabler. In this case, even without the down payment, if the child was on the right path, the occasion would still have happened. However, if you saw an opportunity, and the timing was right, then by all means, enable your child. It is better and wiser to have obtained a good deal, than to wait 4 years, and overpay and write it off as a 'lesson' in independence.

I'm all for enabling, I'm not at all for causing reliance. So yes, lend or give your child a manageable sum to get her on her way with a house purchase. No, don't lend her rent money so she can live in a high class apartment with rents that are well above her pay band.... and so on.

So that's my personal stand. In this case, in your story, it sounds like you were an enabler. So for me, it is a big thumbs up.

 

[steph72276]

Just a couple of more thoughts... Was the husband consulted on the decision? Like I said in my post above, I know my husband's response would have been thanks but no thanks because he would have felt indebted to my parents and because I think we both would have felt like our parents had some sort of say in what we do to the house since they have so much money in it. I also think his pride would have been hurt and he would have felt like what he could provide wasn't good enough for me. The other thing is, have you thought of what you would do if something goes bad? Just say 3 years down the road they lose jobs and are faced with foreclosure....are you prepared to bail them out since you've got so much money in it? Or is it just a one time thing you're willing to lose if things don't work out??

 

[monarch64]

FL Steph, DF's daughter isn't married, and if you've ever read his posts here he's VERY much in the know about the housing market. I'm pretty sure this wasn't a case of Daddy saying "here's 35k, sweetie, now run along."

 

[steph72276]

FL Steph, DF's daughter isn't married, and if you've ever read his posts here he's VERY much in the know about the housing market. I'm pretty sure this wasn't a case of Daddy saying "here's 35k, sweetie, now run along."

Ahh, not sure why I thought she was married. Well, one income makes it even a greater risk that something would happen. DF may be a housing market expert, but there is no way for him to predict a job loss, illness, etc that would prevent her from paying the mortgage. But yeah, I'm familiar with his posts, so something tells me that since he bailed her out when she ran up the credit cards on coach bags, he would do the same in that situation as well. DF, am I remembering wrong or do you have 2 daughters? Are you going to give the next daughter the same deal?

 

[Dancing Fire]

FL Steph, DF's daughter isn't married, and if you've ever read his posts here he's VERY much in the know about the housing market. I'm pretty sure this wasn't a case of Daddy saying "here's 35k, sweetie, now run along."

Ahh, not sure why I thought she was married. Well, one income makes it even a greater risk that something would happen. DF may be a housing market expert, but there is no way for him to predict a job loss, illness, etc that would prevent her from paying the mortgage. But yeah, I'm familiar with his posts, so something tells me that since he bailed her out when she ran up the credit cards on coach bags, he would do the same in that situation as well. DF, am I remembering wrong or do you have 2 daughters? Are you going to give the next daughter the same deal?

yes,when the time comes and if we had the money, fair is fair.we try to treat both daughter the same way.

 

[partgypsy]

I suppose I'll be the only dissenter so far. I don't like the idea of parents continuing to give and give and give - especially to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. After the parental purchase of my first car at 16 (and I 'paid it off' by maintaining a 4.0 GPA, under threat that if it slipped I'd have to start ponying up the cash), I was pretty much entirely self-sufficient. I received normal gifts, Christmas and birthday, but other than that I have never taken money from my parents. I can't imagine a situation, short of needing emergency life-saving surgery, that would require me approaching my parents for money. If I can't afford it on my own, I can't have it. That's how the real world works - you want something, you sacrifice and save.

My parents covered my tushie for years and if anything, now is the time I start forking over for THEM. I want them to be comfortable and enjoy their retirement years, not concern themselves with my finances. Unless I was getting the deal of the CENTURY and couldn't wait one minute more, I'd never take their money for a deposit. And in the case it were the deal of the century, and I did accept their savings, I would be repaying them, with interest, ASAP.

I think this really varies by family, there are different cultures involved. While both of our sets of parents did not help us out with wedding or house costs, I do know that my husband's parents were given the downpayment for their first home by one of his grandparents. In addition to inheriting, my grandmother gave her life savings to my father and his brother to start their business (and in turn my grandmother lived with us). As long as everyone is on the same page, there is no wrong or right way. The thing I worry about, is being stuck in the middle. Both of my parents were helped quite nicely at different times by inheritances. Though I did not receive any financal help after college, I feel there still an expectation of financially supporting my parents, in particular my mother. She is my mother of course I will do what I can, but I do find it a bit ironic that the "independence" talk may be one-way street sometimes.