IYO,did we do the right thing by helping our daughter

[mayerling]

Yes, I think you did the right thing. Though, I would prefer it if you stopped calling it a loan and referred to it as a gift. A parent lending a child something, and expecting it back, just seems wrong to me.

Really? I don't think there's anything wrong with loaning a kid money. I've been on the receiving end of gifts and loans from my parents (although not for my down payment-we paid that ourselves).

DF-as long as your daughter is financially independent otherwise, I think it was very generous of you.

You're right. I shouldn't imply that just because it seems wrong to me, it would seem wrong to other people as well.

 

[missy]

DF, I also think it was a very generous thing for you and your wife to do. When I was single and bought my first home my parents gave me a gift of money-not equal to the down payment as I put 30% down but it was generous and it helped! Congratulations to your daughter and to her road to adulthood and to her carving out an independent and happy life!

 

[justginger]

I suppose I'll be the only dissenter so far. I don't like the idea of parents continuing to give and give and give - especially to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. After the parental purchase of my first car at 16 (and I 'paid it off' by maintaining a 4.0 GPA, under threat that if it slipped I'd have to start ponying up the cash), I was pretty much entirely self-sufficient. I received normal gifts, Christmas and birthday, but other than that I have never taken money from my parents. I can't imagine a situation, short of needing emergency life-saving surgery, that would require me approaching my parents for money. If I can't afford it on my own, I can't have it. That's how the real world works - you want something, you sacrifice and save.

My parents covered my tushie for years and if anything, now is the time I start forking over for THEM. I want them to be comfortable and enjoy their retirement years, not concern themselves with my finances. Unless I was getting the deal of the CENTURY and couldn't wait one minute more, I'd never take their money for a deposit. And in the case it were the deal of the century, and I did accept their savings, I would be repaying them, with interest, ASAP.

 

[missy]

I suppose I'll be the only dissenter so far. I don't like the idea of parents continuing to give and give and give - especially to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. After the parental purchase of my first car at 16 (and I 'paid it off' by maintaining a 4.0 GPA, under threat that if it slipped I'd have to start ponying up the cash), I was pretty much entirely self-sufficient. I received normal gifts, Christmas and birthday, but other than that I have never taken money from my parents. I can't imagine a situation, short of needing emergency life-saving surgery, that would require me approaching my parents for money. If I can't afford it on my own, I can't have it. That's how the real world works - you want something, you sacrifice and save.

My parents covered my tushie for years and if anything, now is the time I start forking over for THEM. I want them to be comfortable and enjoy their retirement years, not concern themselves with my finances. Unless I was getting the deal of the CENTURY and couldn't wait one minute more, I'd never take their money for a deposit. And in the case it were the deal of the century, and I did accept their savings, I would be repaying them, with interest, ASAP.

Ginger, doesn't it depend on the family, the relationship and what the parties involved feel is right/best? I mean, just because you would do it one way doesn't mean it is the only right way KWIM? I do not personally know DF's situation or his daughter's level of independence so I cannot make any judgments either way but I will speak from personal experience. Every December my parents gift us money because they want to. They prefer to give us now vs when they are gone so they can see us enjoy it and perhaps make our lives a bit easier. It is not a huge amount of money but nonetheless generous and loving and the sentiment behind it priceless. We however are very financially independent and certainly do not rely on their gift. I also know they would never accept money from us. We show our love and support in many different ways and they would be shocked and unhappy if we were to start "forking money over to them"! Now that is not to say your way is not good as it works for you guys. By the same token one shouldn't make blanket statements condemning other ways that work for other families. Just saying.

 

[justginger]

I understand what you're saying, Missy. I took the topic as 'what is YOUR opinion on the situation.' And that is MY opinion. I am certain that DF has posted in the past about financial issues and his adult daughter, which colors my perception of the situation. I personally think that adult children need to save their own home deposit. I also have the unpopular belief that children old enough to get married are capable of paying for their own wedding.

Things absolutely do work differently for every family, these are just my opinions.

 

[missy]

I understand what you're saying, Missy. I took the topic as 'what is YOUR opinion on the situation.' And that is MY opinion. I am certain that DF has posted in the past about financial issues and his adult daughter, which colors my perception of the situation. I personally think that adult children need to save their own home deposit. I also have the unpopular belief that children old enough to get married are capable of paying for their own wedding.

Things absolutely do work differently for every family, these are just my opinions.

I agree with you Ginger. I also don't think people who cannot comfortably afford the monthly home payments should purchase a home but I realize that was quite an unpopular view when I posted it a long while ago. So believe me I totally agree that adults should pay their own way. I am just commenting that if a parent(s) wants to give money (that they can afford) just because I see nothing wrong with that. I think we are pretty much on the same page concerning finances and responsibility.

 

[sba771]

I think it was kind of you, but different strokes for different folks. I would not allow DH and I to accept money from anyone for our house. It was very important to me that no one but us ever be able to hold anything over our heads with it or stake any kind of claim in the house. While everyone is welcome to have opinions about how we run and remodel our home, it was so so important to me that I could shoot them down without worrying about someone reminding me of a loan or a gift.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I can see the good and the bad in it. First, I will admit that I am hugely jealous that you can do that for your daughter. Sometimes life really doesn't seem fair. Second, as long as it was 100% no strings attached then I think it's great that you did it for her. But, if you ever pull the "I gave you money and you're not doing this for us" then THAT is not okay. Congrats on her new house!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Is this the daughter that had/has credit card debt?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I suppose I'll be the only dissenter so far. I don't like the idea of parents continuing to give and give and give - especially to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. After the parental purchase of my first car at 16 (and I 'paid it off' by maintaining a 4.0 GPA, under threat that if it slipped I'd have to start ponying up the cash), I was pretty much entirely self-sufficient. I received normal gifts, Christmas and birthday, but other than that I have never taken money from my parents. I can't imagine a situation, short of needing emergency life-saving surgery, that would require me approaching my parents for money. If I can't afford it on my own, I can't have it. That's how the real world works - you want something, you sacrifice and save.

My parents covered my tushie for years and if anything, now is the time I start forking over for THEM. I want them to be comfortable and enjoy their retirement years, not concern themselves with my finances. Unless I was getting the deal of the CENTURY and couldn't wait one minute more, I'd never take their money for a deposit. And in the case it were the deal of the century, and I did accept their savings, I would be repaying them, with interest, ASAP.

I don't see a problem with giving her the money if she is responsible and has a solid job. That was the only thing I guess I missed is what she does for a living and how she is sure she can afford the payments on a large home like that. The price is GREAT! Sounds like she got an excellent deal... but still, it is a hefty payment for a single woman who's in her 20s (imo)...

 

[nkarma]

I suppose I'll be the only dissenter so far. I don't like the idea of parents continuing to give and give and give - especially to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. After the parental purchase of my first car at 16 (and I 'paid it off' by maintaining a 4.0 GPA, under threat that if it slipped I'd have to start ponying up the cash), I was pretty much entirely self-sufficient. I received normal gifts, Christmas and birthday, but other than that I have never taken money from my parents. I can't imagine a situation, short of needing emergency life-saving surgery, that would require me approaching my parents for money. If I can't afford it on my own, I can't have it. That's how the real world works - you want something, you sacrifice and save.

My parents covered my tushie for years and if anything, now is the time I start forking over for THEM. I want them to be comfortable and enjoy their retirement years, not concern themselves with my finances. Unless I was getting the deal of the CENTURY and couldn't wait one minute more, I'd never take their money for a deposit. And in the case it were the deal of the century, and I did accept their savings, I would be repaying them, with interest, ASAP.

I completely agree! I have not taken anything from my parents since I was 18 beyond the occasional gift or paying for dinner out. Maybe, I think this because my mom could never really give me anything large anyways, but I am 100% against taking money from anyone into adulthood. It is so much sweeter to earn and pay for things yourself. Everytime I pay off a school or car loan and save up for the house or big expense I have coming up, I feel so fulfilled. This is how life is supposed to be. You work hard, save up and achieve milestones and then you can only look to yourself (and your SO if you have one) for having accomplished what you have.

 

[monarch64]

I suppose I'll be the only dissenter so far. I don't like the idea of parents continuing to give and give and give - especially to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. After the parental purchase of my first car at 16 (and I 'paid it off' by maintaining a 4.0 GPA, under threat that if it slipped I'd have to start ponying up the cash), I was pretty much entirely self-sufficient. I received normal gifts, Christmas and birthday, but other than that I have never taken money from my parents. I can't imagine a situation, short of needing emergency life-saving surgery, that would require me approaching my parents for money. If I can't afford it on my own, I can't have it. That's how the real world works - you want something, you sacrifice and save.

My parents covered my tushie for years and if anything, now is the time I start forking over for THEM. I want them to be comfortable and enjoy their retirement years, not concern themselves with my finances. Unless I was getting the deal of the CENTURY and couldn't wait one minute more, I'd never take their money for a deposit. And in the case it were the deal of the century, and I did accept their savings, I would be repaying them, with interest, ASAP.

I completely agree! I have not taken anything from my parents since I was 18 beyond the occasional gift or paying for dinner out. Maybe, I think this because my mom could never really give me anything large anyways, but I am 100% against taking money from anyone into adulthood. It is so much sweeter to earn and pay for things yourself. Everytime I pay off a school or car loan and save up for the house or big expense I have coming up, I feel so fulfilled. This is how life is supposed to be. You work hard, save up and achieve milestones and then you can only look to yourself (and your SO if you have one) for having accomplished what you have.[/quote]

That is entirely your opinion!

What say you to something like my family's situation--they've run family businesses for generations. Those businesses have put children through college (right into their adult years), purchased cars/trucks, purchased homes, etc. Life isn't necessarily about being entirely self-sufficient once you are 18 for everyone. Some families go about things in a different way than you would choose, and that's how life is supposed to be for them.

 

[iLander]

My MIL gave us $10K as a down payment for our first house.

Years and years (20+) later we built her a new house and she didn't pay a cent for it.

Obviously, the interest on that 10K was pretty high . . .

But that's what family is supposed to be about. There are many cultures where extended families help each other out; a family member needs money to buy a taxi medallion, or a store, or a business. Between gifts and loans, banks aren't needed at all and the loans are always repaid and it's understood that next time the receiver will also pony up for the one in need.

 

[mrscushion]

Yes, you did the right thing. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, if you're in the position to do so. Congratulations on being on that position, by the way. Helping with a down payment is not babying and never letting a young person grow up IMO.

 

[Porridge]

I think you did the right thing, and your daughter is a very lucky girl!

My parents helped me out a lot. They're not great with money, they tended to give me way too much or way more than I needed at least, but that taught me to budget for myself. I saw how hard they worked for their money and didn't want to spend more than I needed to. I really appreciated it and worked hard at school/college to try to show that. I'm not tight, but I'm careful with money as an adult (says me hanging out on a diamond forum ), so us "spoiled" kids definitely don't always grow up to have no appreciation for money. I guess my point is if you can, and your daughter is responsible, then I think it's amazing for you to help her out

 

[Dancing Fire]

Is this the daughter that had/has credit card debt?

no, she never had any CC debt. i was paying her cc when she was attending college. now that she is working full time i haven't pay any of her bills except her cell phone bill which is still under my account.

 

[partgypsy]

IF the parents can afford it, there are a few times in a child's life it is appropriate to gift money, including college, first house, first wedding. Most parents are not in a position to give like that, but if they can, it is certainly nice.I also agree that sometimes the money may be more appreciated at those times than as a later inheritance.

For both my husband and I, we came from families whose parents did help pay the majority of college bills, but did not gift money for wedding, first house, vehicles, etc. I guess the only thing I'd want to say, is for parents whatever they do decide to do, make it equal among the children (don't help one child but not help the other child out). For example my father gave my little brother a downpayment (how much is a secret) for one of his houses, but when my sister asked for similar help was turned down.

 

[nkarma]

I suppose I'll be the only dissenter so far. I don't like the idea of parents continuing to give and give and give - especially to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. After the parental purchase of my first car at 16 (and I 'paid it off' by maintaining a 4.0 GPA, under threat that if it slipped I'd have to start ponying up the cash), I was pretty much entirely self-sufficient. I received normal gifts, Christmas and birthday, but other than that I have never taken money from my parents. I can't imagine a situation, short of needing emergency life-saving surgery, that would require me approaching my parents for money. If I can't afford it on my own, I can't have it. That's how the real world works - you want something, you sacrifice and save.

My parents covered my tushie for years and if anything, now is the time I start forking over for THEM. I want them to be comfortable and enjoy their retirement years, not concern themselves with my finances. Unless I was getting the deal of the CENTURY and couldn't wait one minute more, I'd never take their money for a deposit. And in the case it were the deal of the century, and I did accept their savings, I would be repaying them, with interest, ASAP.

I completely agree! I have not taken anything from my parents since I was 18 beyond the occasional gift or paying for dinner out. Maybe, I think this because my mom could never really give me anything large anyways, but I am 100% against taking money from anyone into adulthood. It is so much sweeter to earn and pay for things yourself. Everytime I pay off a school or car loan and save up for the house or big expense I have coming up, I feel so fulfilled. This is how life is supposed to be. You work hard, save up and achieve milestones and then you can only look to yourself (and your SO if you have one) for having accomplished what you have.[/quote]

That is entirely your opinion!

What say you to something like my family's situation--they've run family businesses for generations. Those businesses have put children through college (right into their adult years), purchased cars/trucks, purchased homes, etc. Life isn't necessarily about being entirely self-sufficient once you are 18 for everyone. Some families go about things in a different way than you would choose, and that's how life is supposed to be for them.

Oh Monarch I completely agree with you. Sorry I didn't say it was my opinion or I think before the bolded part. It is definitely only my opinion and there are many opinions and ways to live one's life. None of them right or wrong. DF jokes a lot, so I hope what I said wasn't offensive. Seems like most people agree he did the right thing. He probably did, but as for larger question as whether any parent should help with down payments and big expenses after 18, I do not think so. There are a lot, probably the majority, that think the opposite.

 

[mayerling]

Oh Monarch I completely agree with you. Sorry I didn't say it was my opinion or I think before the bolded part. It is definitely only my opinion and there are many opinions and ways to live one's life. None of them right or wrong. DF jokes a lot, so I hope what I said wasn't offensive. Seems like most people agree he did the right thing. He probably did, but as for larger question as whether any parent should help with down payments and big expenses after 18, I do not think so. There are a lot, probably the majority, that think the opposite.

Isn't college a big expense that happens after 18?

 

[monarch64]

Oh Monarch I completely agree with you. Sorry I didn't say it was my opinion or I think before the bolded part. It is definitely only my opinion and there are many opinions and ways to live one's life. None of them right or wrong. DF jokes a lot, so I hope what I said wasn't offensive. Seems like most people agree he did the right thing. He probably did, but as for larger question as whether any parent should help with down payments and big expenses after 18, I do not think so. There are a lot, probably the majority, that think the opposite.

Isn't college a big expense that happens after 18?

Nkarma, I totally understand where you're coming from. In an ideal world, yes, once we turn 18 we should all be expected to take care of ourselves but lots of times it just doesn't work out like that. I have seen parents giving children too much happen within my own family and it's been detrimental to those kids because they have never really learned to stand on their own two feet. It all depends on the situation and circumstance. When I left my first marriage, I had a rude awakening myself...I was welcome to stay with my parents but my family would not help me in any way financially even though I had left with basically no money and no car, etc. It wasn't really that they wanted to teach me a lesson, or that they weren't in a position to help, but they had my future self-esteem and overall well-being in mind. I imagine it would've been very easy for them to say "here's a car, here's some money to get back on your feet with" but they let me struggle instead and that must've been really hard for them to see me go through, but rewarding in the end. Ok, enough of my rambling.

 

[TravelingGal]

Ideally, I'm stingy with the kid now, make her contribute, teach her about money, and don't spoil her much at all - in the hopes that she'll have some financial sense. Then later on in life, I'd like to let loose a bit more...she'll probably won't know what hit her!

As a mom, I'd love to give to the kid, but it's more important to me that she knows how to work toward something. So I think if she was a fiscally responsible kid, I'd be more happy to give. But if she's awful and takes advantage when she can, then probably not.

Congrats DF...nice of you to help your daughter!!!

 

[chemgirl]

Is this the daughter that had/has credit card debt?

no, she never had any CC debt. i was paying her cc when she was attending college. now that she is working full time i haven't pay any of her bills except her cell phone bill which is still under my account.

But weren't some of those CC bills for things like Coach purses and hundreds of dollars in gifts for friends?

I guess my concern is that she might develop the attitude that she doesn't have to apply herself and save for things because daddy will be there to do it for her. That said, different families operate differently. My parents would never have payed my CC bills even while in school because I have always been expected to pay for my own luxuries (well other than birthday and Christmas gifts). They had no problem paying tuition/books/rent/utilities, but purses/clothing/gifts for friends were my responsibility. They are quite well off so its not a matter of not being able to, they just don't feel that gifting me with large sums of money will help me be independent. Its just how we operated so everything else seems a little strange to me.

I could just be weird though. I personally think its wrong for parents to buy their kids cars so a downpayment on a house is extreme to me.

Just my opinion and I understand that most don't share it.

 

[Dancing Fire]

[quote="chemgirl|
I could just be weird though. I personally think its wrong for parents to buy their kids cars so a downpayment on a house is extreme to me.

Just my opinion and I understand that most don't share it.[/quote]


well, i look at this way...after we kick the bucket she might splurge on a new BMW instead of d/p on a house. at least now we can control on how the money are spent.

 

[chemgirl]

[quote="chemgirl|
I could just be weird though. I personally think its wrong for parents to buy their kids cars so a downpayment on a house is extreme to me.

Just my opinion and I understand that most don't share it.

well, i look at this way...after we kick the bucket she might splurge on a new BMW instead of d/p on a house. at least now we can control on how the money are spent.[/quote]

Haha fair enough!

Like I said, I think every family operates differently so whatever works.

You asked for opinions though so that's what you get!

 

[tyty333]

If my kids were good with money and worked hard to save up what they could then I would help them with a house.
Its a loan though and not a gift. I dont think I could afford to "gift" 3 kids a major amount of money.

If my kids couldnt save money and bought things they really didnt need at this point in their life
(expensive cars, 70 inch TVs, etc.) then I would tell them they are on their own.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I think it's totally wonderful that you can afford to help your child out, especially given the prices of houses in CA!

My brother and I both received $50K as a downpayment from my parents for our first houses. I was married already, but my husband and I were young, and he didn't come from money. My brother was single when he bought his house. My parents did not pay for either of our weddings though. In their minds, a house was a better investment.

I also believe that each situation is independent, and one should not keep doling out money, or bailing their kids out of debt. My parents gave us the money because they could afford to do so, and they knew we had the maturity and money handling skills toqualify for loans and keep up with mortgages. Both my brother and are now in our 30's and in our second houses (much bigger and nicer) than our starter homes thanks to my parents!

I plan to do the same thing for my kids when they are ready to buy houses (they are only 9 and 7) so I have quite a few years to save

 

[nkarma]

Oh Monarch I completely agree with you. Sorry I didn't say it was my opinion or I think before the bolded part. It is definitely only my opinion and there are many opinions and ways to live one's life. None of them right or wrong. DF jokes a lot, so I hope what I said wasn't offensive. Seems like most people agree he did the right thing. He probably did, but as for larger question as whether any parent should help with down payments and big expenses after 18, I do not think so. There are a lot, probably the majority, that think the opposite.

Isn't college a big expense that happens after 18?

Definitely! And there are even more parents that pay for that then home down payments, so I my opinion is likely in the minority about this too. My opinion applies to college too. It is my education that led to my now career. I liked that I could take ownership of what major I choose, how many years I spent in college, and most importantly the doors (and likely increased salary) that open up with a degree. They say college is an investment in your future and who is better in making that investment then you! Paying off two of three college loans that I have was a very proud day for me!

I agree with Monarch though that in the real world everything I have said is easier said than done. I was lucky enough to have my opinions apply to me so far, but I hopefully have a long life to live and may need to take money from my parents or ILs in the future. I am with ginger though that it would really have to be a desperate situation.

 

[sparklyheart]

It's interesting to see all of the different perspectives...

My parents were fortunate enough to have enough to provide many things for us but like I said in my last post, things weren't expected... They have told us all they get joy out of being able to share their financial gains with their children to make things easier on us...

I don't have a problem accepting money from my parents.. They worked hard and if THEY choose to share it with me, I'm not going to say no.

I WOULD have a problem ASKING for money from them though... I am proud of the fact that I am now financially independent and have made my own money... and I think that's something everyone should be able to do.. depending on parents doesn't lead to that.. In the case of asking for money, it is 100% a loan and not a gift.. Even if they insist it's a gift!!

Just my opinion though, of course

 

[diamondseeker2006]

It's interesting to see all of the different perspectives...

My parents were fortunate enough to have enough to provide many things for us but like I said in my last post, things weren't expected... They have told us all they get joy out of being able to share their financial gains with their children to make things easier on us...

I don't have a problem accepting money from my parents.. They worked hard and if THEY choose to share it with me, I'm not going to say no.

I WOULD have a problem ASKING for money from them though... I am proud of the fact that I am now financially independent and have made my own money... and I think that's something everyone should be able to do.. depending on parents doesn't lead to that.. In the case of asking for money, it is 100% a loan and not a gift.. Even if they insist it's a gift!!

Just my opinion though, of course

Yes!!! I am proud of my kids' hard work and responsibility, so out of LOVE for them, I CHOOSE to pay for their college, weddings, and help with the first house. Our older daughter made straight A's through undergrad and her master's. She worked during the summers and saved money. She certainly was the poster child for responsibility. So when she graduated and got her first job, we helped her find a place to live. We quickly found out that she could buy a small house or condo and have the same monthly payment as the local rent for a nice two bedroom apartment. So we added some money (gift) to her savings for a downpayment and we did have to co-sign the loan because she had not worked for 6 months at the job as she was just starting. She could afford all the monthly expenses of the house on her own income, so we weren't concerned about cosigning at all. She has been there for 4 years and never have we had to help her. It was a joy to give her a beautiful wedding last year,also. And now they have a beautiful baby girl!

I think we have joy in helping our children as long as they are responsible and we are not hindering them in any way. I know our parents paid for our college and wedding and we have had gifts along the way, too. And we certainly are hardworking and successful on our own. The key is that the child is not dependent on the help from the parents.

One thing I am majorly against is kids getting loans for 4 years of private college (undergrad) and coming out with $150,000+ debt when they finish. THAT is what I would never do to my kids as long as I was able to help them (and they did not/will not go to schools that expensive, either). (I will add that if they wanted to go to med (or other professional) school, they could get loans for that because I would feel fairly certain they could repay that debt.)

So, to you DF, I think what you did is exactly what we did! So I say, good for you!!!

 

[steph72276]

Whatever works for each family of course, but personally no I would not have accepted such a large gift from my parents. I got academic scholarships and worked 2 jobs during college to pay my own way through school. Since I've been married, I haven't asked for/received a dime from them except for things like Christmas/birthday/gifts for the kids type things. My husband and I rented for a while before we were able to buy our first house. I'm not so sure it would have had the same feeling we got if Daddy had just written us a check for it. There's something to be said for delayed gratification...it makes you more appreciative of what you do have. Also, I'm pretty sure my husband would have been completely against the idea of Daddy giving us a big check on the basis of pride alone. I personally wouldn't ever ask my parents for anything unless we are literally homeless or starving. I feel like they've worked hard their entire lives, they should keep that money to enjoy themselves and would never want to take anything away from them that they could have used to make their lives more comfortable. But again, my opinion only.