Its like talking to a wall sometimes, I swear

[ksprincess]

I just need to vent a little, this may be a little long.

As background, I graduated from college in May and bf still goes to school which is about 2 hours away from where I live now. He is in his Senior year and plays football so every weekend since end of August I have been going down and visiting him b/c it was very important to him that I be at his home games and I went down after his away games too. Because of this I have not gone out much here in the City but I was willing to sacrifice for a time.

Now that football is over it is expected that he will come to the City to see me now for the next 2.5 months. He came last weekend but yesterday I get a call from him and he basically tells me he has to do things helping his friends friday night and saturday morning. That didn''t bother me as it was an emergency, but then he had the nerve to ask me if I would go down there so he could take me and all of his friends out to dinner! I became really upset at this because it seemed he did not recognize the sacrifice I made and wasn''t willing to make the sacrifice himself. On top of that he had told me last week he was taking me to Alvin Ailey (my favorite dance company in the world) this Saturday and instead he selfishly chose to do what he wanted.

I proceeded to tell him I wasn''t happy about any of this and that I was really hurt by his suggestion. He then launches in to how I''d be ok w/out him Saturday afternoon and asked if maybe I was too dependent on him. WHAT?!?

Because I''m upset that he won''t show me the courtesy of keeping his word I''m too dependent? He then admits that a certain friend has been telling him I''m dependent b/c I came down every weekend for so long.

(Thats where the dependent idea came from) and the reason he''s so adamant about dinner with his friends is because they were talking and they said they wanted to know me better (of course he decides this has to be done this weekend)

After a long discussion, he admitted he was wrong, that he was being selfish, that I had sacrificed a lot, and said he was embarrased that he had called me dependent. But he wouldn''t let go of me going to dinner w/ his friends. It was like he wasn''t listening to a word I said, not one word. So after all that I agreed to go down there on Saturday b/c it was obviously very important to him. But I''m still really hurt and disappointed in all of this. He usually is the sweetest, most thoughtful man, but he is so influenced by his friends.

Thanks for listening

 

[Hopes]

Three words: screw his friends. You have every right to be angry and hurt, because 1) he cancelled plans with you without consulting you and 2) his friends are putting crap in his ears, planting ideas in his head and telling him what to do, which in turn leads to demanding you to go to dinner with all of them. I'd find out who this "certain friend" is and ask what his motives are, because it sounds to me (no offense) that this friend is a stupid young college guy who is way too immature to handle what a real, adult relationship means.

Seriously, his friends should never be above you. In a long, serious relationship old guy friendships usually fall a little bit on the wayside as the guy becomes more involved with the girl. That's natural, and I see it happen in almost every relationship (that eventually transformed into marriage) among a circle of work buddies at my boyfriend's job. Yes, the guys joke about the proverbial ball and chain, but at the end of the day everybody knows that the guys who are happier are married, and the guy who doesn't have a girlfriend is grumpy.

Here's the thing about healthy relationships that I think people are just ignorant about. It's perfectly okay to be dependent on your significant other. Only instead of calling it dependency, call it intimacy, closeness and being able to count on the person you love! The unhealthy relationships are those where you cannot depend on your significant other, where you have to keep so much space between you and the other person that you might as well live by yourself!

You can have a good relationship and maintain good buddies. But those buddies should not be talking about you in that way. A guy who is devoted to his girl would stand up for the girl in front of his buddies, rather than let their (completely unfounded) opinions influence him and his actions. I really hate the machismo and BS that goes into guy friendships, especially in college, and I'm frankly glad that it mostly goes away when the guys reach their 30's (as my boyfriend's friends are). Some of them never grow out of it, but most do, thankfully.

Finally, don't tell his guy friends your real views. You have no influence over them, unfortunately. You can talk to your guy about this and let him how you feel. Don't let him off the hook though, because if he's surrounded himself with friends of this type (chauvinistic, talking down about girls, calling girls they don't even know dependent

), it's not a good influence on him or the relationship.

 

[ksprincess]

Hopes,

Thank you so much for your response. It is only one friend who has made this judgement and has been telling all his other friends who since they don''t know me well don''t have much to go on besides that. And I know who this person is as they are supposedly a good friend of mine as well. Humph!

To top all this off, after I got of the phone crying last night. He had two of his friends whom I know, call me!!!

One, who was trying to figure out what was going on, and telling me "it will all work out" and the second, who called "to get to know me better." Both admitted that bf had just told them to call...

What was he thinking?

 

[Hopes]

As weird as this may sound, that is actually not a bad thing. It means that your guy cares about you and wants his friends to know that you don''t like being seen in that light and talked about in that way. Since it is just one friend who is spreading this poison, it''s good that his other friends got some noise from your boyfriend about how unhappy you are with it. It may be uncomfortable and awkward to talk to his friends who were put up to calling you, but it does show some bit of regret on all their part.

It''s still a dumb thing to do, but I wouldn''t worry about it. As for this friend who says you are dependent, do you know for sure that he (or even she) doesn''t have some odd ulterior motives for talking that way about you? Anybody who''s been in a relationship before, or who knows someone in a loving relationship, knows when to back off and give that couple in love some space. It''s pretty common, I would think.

 

[ksprincess]

Midday Update: He sent me an email and called. Apologizing for last night and telling me that he bought tickets for Ailey for tomorrow!

He says he just felt rushed for his friends to get to know me b/c he wanted them to be close before he proposed....Part of me wonders if there is so much of a rush, i.e. this weekend because he plans on proposing VERY soon, but we shall see. Right now I am just glad to see him be the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with by keeping his word.

Hopes,
I don't know if this person has ulterior motives. I really cannot think of what they would be besides they somehow seriously don't approve of our relationship. First they just didnt think we belonged together (when we first started dating) b/c we came from two different places...They are the only one!! It is a guy who I was friends with first b4 he became friends with my bf, but I really don't think he likes me or is jealous.

If I'm friends w/ the person saying these things about me (I'm dependent), should I confront them about it?

 

[DMBsGirl]

My boyfriend and i met the summer before we went away to college (we went to schools that were about 4 hours apart). So our relationship began as long distance. (we are now both 26.) I will just share with you that it is not easy at that age! I also felt that my boyfriend''s friends were negatively influencing his ideas of me. At that age, most guys do not have a serious girlfriend and are usually just hooking up. I think it''s sometimes hard for them to see their friend who is in a serious relationship not be around them all the time or participate in certain activities because he has a serious girlfriend. Long story short, if your relationship is strong you can make it through, I did! Life changes drastically after college, as I''m sure you know, and people mature. He is in his last year so you don''t have long to go. Long distance relationships are super hard,and when your boyfriend has a$$hole friends it doesnt make it easier!!

hang in there and good luck

 

[Hopes]

Well it is the 8th of December... so that means he wants to propose by Christmas. It's sweet that he wants his friends to know you, but honestly, when my boyfriend's buddies got married, he didn't know the girls that well and was happy for them. It's not a requirement to get to know the girl too well!

The thing I have heard over and over again from guys I've talked to, or "guy friends" that I've had, is that girls tend to be overly clingy or dependent or demanding or . The case I can remember off the top of my head is a guy who said his ex-girlfriend was too demanding, and he didn't really love her, but he did what she wanted anyway. Afterwards he got with a new girl, they cook together and practically live together, so how's that any different? Difference is how he felt about it. Personally, I usually hear from my guy that he likes it when I call him at work or want to eat lunch with him.

Anyway, I digress. It's all about what perspective you're looking at the situation from, and obviously this guy's opinion is from a 3rd party perspective, which is not always true! There are a lot of cases where the guy involved in the relationship absolutely has no problem with the girl being attentive, but other people around the couple don't like it for one reason or another. If you care about your friendship, maybe bring it up with him if you really want to do so. But guy-girl friendships are always kind of weird, and you can never really know if he does or doesn't have feelings, especially if you are totally in love with your current guy.

 

[anchor31]

ksprincess - I think your BF may not totally understand that it''s completely all right if you both have friends of your own... I get along fine with my FI''s friends and he gets along fine with mine, but I don''t call his friends just to chat and he doesn''t call mine either. It''s a good idea for everyone to get along, but it doesn''t have to be close, you know?

I understand where you''re coming from with the long distance thing... FI and I were almost 2 hours apart for 16 months, then 6 hours apart for another 16 months (for college as well)! It was hard, and a lot of people did try to influence me as well, telling me it wouldn''t work out. I didn''t listen to them, and voila! We''re no longer long distance and engaged to be married!

Congrats on the upcoming engagement... Don''t let your guy''s "not-so-thoughtful" moments ruin in for you. Sometimes they just don''t realize that it''ll hurt us, and sometimes they''re just forgetful (at least my FI is!).