Is your FF tired of the "Ring Talk??"

[TruLuv858]

Hi Ladies, I am sure I am not alone in this but I wish my FF was more willing to open up about diamonds and ER's in general. He is in the process of working with both Leon Mege and Mark at ERD, and while I am pretty certain he is far along in the process (down to 2 diamonds) and is ready to purchase- he NEVER wants to talk "shop"...any time I bring up any thing, he seems almost annoyed? I don't understand this? we are super happy, and excited about this experience, but he acts like all I do is bring this up, which I KNOW is not true, I have gone weeks without bringing it up, but when I mention anything, he's like "Ok, thanks...I think I have it under control"...not in a mean way, but almost like "you don't need to babysitt me"...I don't mean to, but I am just sooo excited, and since I am being left in the dark, I want to make sure that he has all the info, because I am being left out of the design process...he really wants this to be a surprise, but I am such a control freak, I wish that he would have included me in the design process.

Your thoughts? Familiar stories??

 

[Mashira]

I think the key words here were:

I want to make sure that he has all the info, because I am being left out of the design process...he really wants this to be a surprise, but I am such a control freak, I wish that he would have included me in the design process.

Your thoughts? Familiar stories??

He wants it to be a surprise. That would explain why he does not seem receptive to input, or want to discuss it.
I am also a control freak, type A kinda gal, but in this instance, it's time for us to step down, get ourselves (rather than
the ring situation) under control, and tough it out. I know it may come across a little harsh, but it's what I learned to do
the hard way. Hopefully it saves you some grief.

 

[TruLuv858]

Mashira- I know you are ABSOLUTELY CORRECT... I think I am just not giving my FF enough credit, but I feel like I spend SOOO much time on here educating myself, and I know that he has done a fraction of what I have done, so I feel like its my duty to educate him, but I know that in doing that I am taking his "moment" away. Im just venting, he is in good hands with Mark and Leon....

 

[Mashira]

I completely understand. Seeing as that you seem to have the same personality as I do, here is my two cents:

I had a very hard time not letting every other word out of my mouth be 'diamond' this or 'clarity' that. What I did was I sat down and
had a little chat with FF. I wrote down everything I learned, with the websites, and my preferences. I made a nice little compact 5 page paper (yes, I realize this sounds ridiculous) and told him that I was having a hard time keeping my mouth shut. I handed him the papers, asked him to read it, and promised to keep quiet after that.

Well, he read it, and then started asking me questions because he realized there was SO much more than the 4 C's. We ended up picking the diamond together, and he is doing the rest on his own and it will be surprise enough for me, because I have no idea what's going to happen.

Because your FF wants it to be a surprise, I don't see this happening for you. However, that's no reason not to write down everything you want him to know, and give it to him. I think it's a happy medium. You get your say, and he gets to stop hearing you talk about it.

 

[TruLuv858]

I completely understand. Seeing as that you seem to have the same personality as I do, here is my two cents:

I had a very hard time not letting every other word out of my mouth be 'diamond' this or 'clarity' that. What I did was I sat down and
had a little chat with FF. I wrote down everything I learned, with the websites, and my preferences. I made a nice little compact 5 page paper (yes, I realize this sounds ridiculous) and told him that I was having a hard time keeping my mouth shut. I handed him the papers, asked him to read it, and promised to keep quiet after that.

Well, he read it, and then started asking me questions because he realized there was SO much more than the 4 C's. We ended up picking the diamond together, and he is doing the rest on his own and it will be surprise enough for me, because I have no idea what's going to happen.

Because your FF wants it to be a surprise, I don't see this happening for you. However, that's no reason not to write down everything you want him to know, and give it to him. I think it's a happy medium. You get your say, and he gets to stop hearing you talk about it.

Mashira- oh, my PS twin...you crack me up...apparently we ARE VERY alike, I already typed out a "little" packet for him, except mine was 6 pages!!! So, yes, he does have all of the info, but as you know you learn something new on here every day. I should know better, my FF is a C-level at a Medical Device company- his job is to conduct due diligence on companies and negotiate contracts.... but somehow I still have had a hard time letting go...haha...thanks for letting me vent...

 

[periwinklegirl]

That sounds a lot like my partner acts any time he's doing something (like a task or whatever) and I make the mistake of asking if he needs any help. He just can't stand anyone else to give input, somehow that gets interpreted to mean I don't think he's capable of doing whatever it is. Luckily he let me do all the ring ordering, even thanking me for doing it (like that was a chore!). But I understand your frustration!

 

[FuturePsyD]

I actually am on the other end of the spectrum, so I kinda envy girls whose FF take the time, effort and energy to do their due diligence and educate themselves with all there is to know about diamonds.

My ff is pretty hands off. He doesn't mind what I choose, he says choose anything you like and I will make note of it and purchase it without your knowledge. So my ring will NOT have any element of surprise to it whatsoever.

I am also extremely controlling of things that are important to me, such as my ER which I will have to look at everyday for like 50 years, so I took the reins early on and my ff has gladly allowed me to handle it.

If I felt like he knew what he was doing, I would have liked for him to be a little bit more proactive. Of course I would give a good deal of input and info, like yourself and Mashira have, but then let him go from there like your ff has.

Sounds like your ff just really wants to surprise you and feels he know enough to be able to pull it off.

I am sure you are going to be very pleased with your ER. Look forward to seeing the final product!

 

[TruLuv858]

Periwinklegirl- Thank you....I am not alone, and see you feel my pain...All I am trying to do is help, but literally, he is "trying" not to sound annoyed, because its a positive experience, but clearly...he's annoyed.

Future- Thank you for showing me I should be a little more appreciative, in my first marriage I did EVERYTHING but propose to myself, so I should be a little more grateful, but like you I am a total control freak and wish that I was just more appreciate and a little less involved. This is site, however, as forever ruined me of not caring about jewelry...I am totally obsessed.

 

[Indylady]

Uhh..this, plus the "What lengths have you gone to snoop" thread make it easy for me to see why your FF is annoyed.


You wish you were appreciative and a little less involved-- TruLuv, this isn't something to wish for, this is something that is 100% in your hands to change.

 

[TruLuv858]

Uhh..this, plus the "What lengths have you gone to snoop" thread make it easy for me to see why your FF is annoyed.


You wish you were appreciative and a little less involved-- TruLuv, this isn't something to wish for, this is something that is 100% in your hands to change.

Indy- Wow... my post was meant to open up a discussion with those that could relate at some level. I am dissapointed to see that you can understand why my FF is "annoyed"...what I considered a "light vent" and "reach out" to others who might relate, seemed to have rubbed you the wrong way. Your post totally made me feel judged and will certainly effect what I choose to open up about in the future. Best wishes to you during your journey.

 

[diamondbuggy]

Uhh..this, plus the "What lengths have you gone to snoop" thread make it easy for me to see why your FF is annoyed.


You wish you were appreciative and a little less involved-- TruLuv, this isn't something to wish for, this is something that is 100% in your hands to change.

Indy- Wow... my post was meant to open up a discussion with those that could relate at some level. I am dissapointed to see that you can understand why my FF is "annoyed"...what I considered a "light vent" and "reach out" to others who might relate, seemed to have rubbed you the wrong way. Your post totally made me feel judged and will certainly effect what I choose to open up about in the future. Best wishes to you during your journey.

TruLuv, please don't let IndyLady's post affect what you choose to share. I feel that it's absolutely acceptable to post a 'light vent' to people who can relate. Many of the ladies on this forum can understand and it's nice to know you're not alone on the crazy LIW journey.

IndyLady, I don't know you so I obviously have nothing against you personally but I have often found your posts (on the LIW forum) very judgemental.

 

[Indylady]

..he really wants this to be a surprise, but I am such a control freak, I wish that he would have included me in the design process.

Your FI wants this to be a surprise. But you're snooping, and want to talk about the ring and want to be included the design process. That is why he is annoyed. He wants route A, you want route B. Its as easy as reading the line above.

I'm sorry you feel judged, that wasn't my intent. If you seriously want to be part of the process, then I encourage you to tell him openly that you want to be in the loop. If you're willing to sit out and let him plan his surprise, then sit out and wish him a good time working with Mark and Leon.

 

[Indylady]

..he really wants this to be a surprise, but I am such a control freak, I wish that he would have included me in the design process.

Your FI wants this to be a surprise. But you're snooping, and want to talk about the ring and want to be included the design process. That is why he is annoyed. He wants route A, you want route B. Its as easy as reading the line above.

I'm sorry you feel judged, that wasn't my intent. If you seriously want to be part of the process, then I encourage you to tell him openly that you want to be in the loop. If you're willing to sit out and let him plan his surprise, then sit out and wish him a good time working with Mark and Leon.

 

[princesss]

Uhh..this, plus the "What lengths have you gone to snoop" thread make it easy for me to see why your FF is annoyed.


You wish you were appreciative and a little less involved-- TruLuv, this isn't something to wish for, this is something that is 100% in your hands to change.

Indy- Wow... my post was meant to open up a discussion with those that could relate at some level. I am dissapointed to see that you can understand why my FF is "annoyed"...what I considered a "light vent" and "reach out" to others who might relate, seemed to have rubbed you the wrong way. Your post totally made me feel judged and will certainly effect what I choose to open up about in the future. Best wishes to you during your journey.

TruLuv, please don't let IndyLady's post affect what you choose to share. I feel that it's absolutely acceptable to post a 'light vent' to people who can relate. Many of the ladies on this forum can understand and it's nice to know you're not alone on the crazy LIW journey.

IndyLady, I don't know you so I obviously have nothing against you personally but I have often found your posts (on the LIW forum) very judgemental.

I fail to see how Indy's post was judgmental. It was honest - the OP seems confused as to why her BF feels the way he feels, and Indy understands it, so she tried to help the OP see where her BF could get a little touchy. It doesn't make sense to assume that people will read related topics as completely separate - if you're sharing one day that you snoop and try to find things out behind your BF's back (like opening his e-mails) and the next day you share that your BF is annoyed with you for trying to control the process, it's almost impossible not to say "Don't you see the pattern?" I feel like Indy was trying to help bring some self-awareness, not scare you off from posting.

This forum is about support, and some of us give support in the form of tough love. Indy will generally give it to you straight, but there is no malice in her posts.

 

[bebe0912]

I totally get it! Honestly, I think there is so much pressure on us girls regarding the ring. What happens the second you tell someone you're engaged? "OMG let me see your ring!!!" That's the first thing out of 99% of people's mouths. So of course you want to be a part of it and of course it's important to you! And it's an exciting time! I think it's only natural for you to want to talk about it! I think it's obvious that you know you need to just let him do this on his own, but you need a sounding board to find other people who share a similar experience. Congratulations, can't wait to see what he picked out!!!

 

[TruLuv858]

Alright...everyone made their point. My intent was not to begin a "she said- she said"....I just want to move on...In the spirit of keeping a supportive environment. I asked the question in hopes to reach out to those with a similar view point, which is why I asked if anyone could "relate"...I didn't post to recieve a lecture on my behavior or "tough love"- thanks. I know what I was doing (snooping) was wrong. My post was written with lighthhearted intentions- I did not post this so that others could use this as an opportunity to dissect me or my relationship. I don't recall asking "what's wrong with ME?"The reality is when people post, they are only posting a fraction of the issue, or relationship- so providing any relationship advice is not warranted- as your perspective is fragmented.

Thank you, and I hope that you will respect my desire to no longer add anything else to this post. Wishing all of you the very best during your LIW stint- hope its a short stay.

 

[TruLuv858]

I totally get it! Honestly, I think there is so much pressure on us girls regarding the ring. What happens the second you tell someone you're engaged? "OMG let me see your ring!!!" That's the first thing out of 99% of people's mouths. So of course you want to be a part of it and of course it's important to you! And it's an exciting time! I think it's only natural for you to want to talk about it! I think it's obvious that you know you need to just let him do this on his own, but you need a sounding board to find other people who share a similar experience. Congratulations, can't wait to see what he picked out!!!

Bebe- thank you...this is all I needed, a little sounding board

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Alright...everyone made their point. My intent was not to begin a "she said- she said"....I just want to move on...In the spirit of keeping a supportive environment. I asked the question in hopes to reach out to those with a similar view point, which is why I asked if anyone could "relate"...I didn't post to recieve a lecture on my behavior or "tough love"- thanks. I know what I was doing (snooping) was wrong. My post was written with lighthhearted intentions- I did not post this so that others could use this as an opportunity to dissect me or my relationship. I don't recall asking "what's wrong with ME?"The reality is when people post, they are only posting a fraction of the issue, or relationship- so providing any relationship advice is not warranted- as your perspective is fragmented.

Thank you, and I hope that you will respect my desire to no longer add anything else to this post. Wishing all of you the very best during your LIW stint- hope its a short stay.

Well you are posting on a public forum. You did ask for "our thoughts". You may want to consider that not everyone on LIW is going to sympathise with "snooping" (invasion of privacy) and the constant badgering of your SO. Also you can not dictate who posts in ANY thread, regardless of if you started it.

And Indys thread was not offensive, she was just being straight with you. Kind of like I am now.

 

[TruLuv858]

Alright...everyone made their point. My intent was not to begin a "she said- she said"....I just want to move on...In the spirit of keeping a supportive environment. I asked the question in hopes to reach out to those with a similar view point, which is why I asked if anyone could "relate"...I didn't post to recieve a lecture on my behavior or "tough love"- thanks. I know what I was doing (snooping) was wrong. My post was written with lighthhearted intentions- I did not post this so that others could use this as an opportunity to dissect me or my relationship. I don't recall asking "what's wrong with ME?"The reality is when people post, they are only posting a fraction of the issue, or relationship- so providing any relationship advice is not warranted- as your perspective is fragmented.

Thank you, and I hope that you will respect my desire to no longer add anything else to this post. Wishing all of you the very best during your LIW stint- hope its a short stay.

Well you are posting on a public forum. You did ask for "our thoughts". You may want to consider that not everyone on LIW is going to sympathise with "snooping" (invasion of privacy) and the constant badgering of your SO. Also you can not dictate who posts in ANY thread, regardless of if you started it.

And Indys thread was not offensive, she was just being straight with you. Kind of like I am now.

Really??? I mean, Really??? First of all, let me recognize the obvious- You are absolutely correct, I cannot "dictate" anything people post, I can only request- and CLEARLY that doesnt' work... I am only asking that the negativity stop please...because now it seems I am not only "annoying" my FF, but in your words "badgering"- case in point. There is a very distinct difference between providing input, and being rude.

For the record- I have NOTHING against Indy, I don't- so you need not feel as though you need to defend her...she was at least responding to the original post, your post on the other hand is strictly about my request to move on???

I love this forum, I really do; however, if this continues, I will be asking the moderators to remove or lock this, for others like you who feel sooo compelled to get another word in edgewise.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

 

[TruLuv858]

Alright, "PrincessNatalie"- You have won, I am sooo creeped out by your posts- this will be my last post on LIW... I think I will just stick to the educational aspect. What a dissapointing experience. I was hoping to become a part of a community that wanted to positively share in their experience. I hope your taunting post was worth it to you.

 

[wakingdreams53]

Alright, "PrincessNatalie"- You have won, I am sooo creeped out by your posts- this will be my last post on LIW... I think I will just stick to the educational aspect. What a dissapointing experience. I was hoping to become a part of a community that wanted to positively share in their experience. I hope your taunting post was worth it to you.

Hey TruLuv, welcome to the club. At least you weren't accused of not being real.
Good luck with your relationship and I hope you can post your proposal and beautiful ring on SMTB soon!

 

[PrincessNatalie]

*sigh* whatever hun, it seems obvious you probably shouldnt be posting on a public forum if even a little smily face can send you over the edge.

Fine by me if you are going to stick to posting "educational only" but take this with you: No matter where you post, people are never going always agree with you. If you read through this forum you will find many an example of people disagreeing with eachother, its normal and it is going to happen time and time again. People are going to call you out if what your doing is something they classify as not ok.

And honestly, I would *break up* with my BF if I found out he was going behind my back and snooping through my stuff. If one of my friends was doing it, I would punch them in the face. And I would be terribly offended if he was badgering me about something I was planning and paying a large sum of money that was supposed to be a surprise for him.

One of the things I always keep in mind is if it acts like a duck all the time, its a duck. Whether that duck thinks its a dog, if it acts like a duck it is a duck.

So. Be appreciatve, be happy that he is doing something nice for you, and you will be happy and appreciative. There is no wishing nessesary, just be.

 

[Mashira]

Directed to Truluv858 only because PS does not allow us to send private/personal messages:

I'm so sorry you felt attacked hun. I have also started a thread or two that I thought was inconsequential and it turned into a big ole hooplah and I sat thinking to myself, 'Why do I even bother to post here?' (no offense to any of our wonderful LIW). I think what is best to take away from this is that you did get people who responded in a comforting way, and others that did not. If it's too hard to take those blunt posts, perhaps it is best that you do take some time away from here. I know it's aggravating, and frustrating when you feel as though you are being attacked for no reason. It hurts, even though we don't know the women on here personally, we develop attachments to them. I hope that you are feeling better, and I am really, truly, sorry to see you go.

*HUGS*

 

[LaurenThePartier]

I spend a bit of time on a male-dominated forum of 100k+ members, and it was of extremely timely help during my LIW years. Yes, I was LIW #1 for probably 9 months or more, and I know I had my share of vents on this topic here on PS while I was waiting for my DH to decide if he wanted to marry me or not.

However, it's important to note that men commonly have this idea that if you so much as talk about the ring/proposal, they think it's once again forefront in your mind (as if it's not ALWAYS right there in the front of your mind) so they push the topic off, and sometimes even delay the proposal as a result. Sometimes it forces them to reschedule a proposal that they'd already planned - I've seen it happen a few times with guy friends I've helped with an e-ring. They think "she knows something's up" so they change their plans.

You've snooped and you know your BF is already in serious talks to get your dream e-ring done. Just enjoy this time as a couple during pre-engagement, because you will never get this time back again. The more you talk about the ring, the more likely you're delaying your own proposal. So, as one male-dominated forum lurker to an LIW, the best advice I can give you is to just not bring it up. Ever. Easier said than done; I know. But trust me on this. He will get that ring and it will burn a hole in his pocket if he feels like you've "forgotten" about it.

 

[DuckLovingVegan]

I just wrote a document listing everything that I wanted in the ring cut, clarity, color etc.. I even put what the ring looked like and where to get the diamond from. We discussed his budget for the ring and he doesn't want to spend anymore than 6k I gave him a scenario for each ring setting and the amount he would have left over for a diamond. I also included what my budget was 8K I told him it's only 2K more but I get a bigger diamond for the price. Hopefully he'll decide to go with my budget but if he doesn't that's ok. I told him the doc was on my comp entitled engagement ring and that was the end of the discussion. He said I was too much and who makes a doc entitled that I said lots of people if you only knew about the LIW's on pricescope.

 

[Amys Bling]

well, no need to get all upset and defensive- on all ends! It is true, that not always do people feel, think, and respond the way we would hope that they would and I am a very sensitive person and take offense easily so I know it's hard.

On a lighter note- I just sent pics of e-rings to my FI so he would understand what I liked- and more importantly what I didn't like. There was a thin line when it came to settings (thickness, amount of metal showing, etc) and I had a definite idea as to what I didn't like. I sent him the e-mail when I knew he was considering looking at rings, and titled it FYI- rings. I left it at that, never said another word until he asked me a question.