Is this weird/offensive/not a big deal?

[blueberrydot]

Hi ladies - I think this is actually my first BIW thread! And it has nothing to do with my wedding! LOL. I have a weird situation going on, and I wanted your advice.

My high school best friend's wedding is coming up in March, and I'm a BM. Initially there were going to be 4 BMs - me, her sister, and two of her college friends, and her fiance is also having four groomsmen. Well, things have changed, apparently. I'll put up the text exchange that happened a week or so ago so you all can get a clear idea of the new situation:

the bride: Would u be my flower girl? We have no little girls in our family. [cousin's name redacted] will be my ring boy. Ur little, it'll b cute! lol. just a thought.

An hour went by without a response from me (I hadn't received the text yet, because I wasn't checking my phone). So she sends another text:

the bride: I'm totally kidding btw

I finally read both texts and I send her back this:

me: Lol, I can fill in if you are in a pinch hahahaha

So at this point I'm obviously assuming it was a joke. Then I get this:

the bride: Ok, I was serious. I'm not gonna make u throw flowers, just walk down w [cousin]. I want to add [FSIL] as a bm and [fiance] doesn't want to add a GM, so this works.

I sent her a text back that I would do it, and she thanked me for being "cool" about it. And to be perfectly honest, I didn't really care at first, if that's what she wants well, it's her wedding day. However, the more I think about it, the weirder it seems to me. First of all, I'm going to have to walk down the aisle with a 10 year old boy, which...is kind of creepy. I'm 27! I asked her if it was really necessary that I walk down the aisle with the ring boy, and if I could just walk alone - I told her that flower girls don't always have to walk down the aisle with the ring bearer and it seems like most often, the flower girl actually walks alone. She vetoed that idea - if I'm gonna be the flower girl, then I'm walking down with the ring bearer, period. Second of all, what the heck am I going to be doing while the "real" bridal party are taking pictures? The reason she's making me a FG is because they don't want the bridal party to be uneven, so I feel like this means that I won't be in the pictures, because, well, the pictures would be of an uneven bridal party...which I'm assuming is exactly what she's trying to avoid. When asked about this, she said that of course I would be in the bridal party pictures, which prompted me to ask what is the point of me being a flower girl in the first place, if I'm going to be in the same BM dress as the others AND I will still be in the bridal party pics? I didn't really get a straight answer from her, but I think she just really wants a flower girl and ring bearer to walk down the aisle together...? Which, again...I'm 27, and the ring bearer is 9.

When I expressed my reservations to the bride, I kind of expected her to be like, "Well, if you're uncomfortable with it, that's fine, having an uneven bridal party is not a big deal." But instead, she told me that if I don't want to do it, then she'll make her sister do it but that she would rather I be the one because I'm the shortest. Anyway....the feedback I have been getting on this when I've mentioned it to friends and family has pretty much all been negative, which has also been weighing on my mind. When I told people that the bride had asked me to be a flower girl, I really did NOT expect such strong reactions from them, but I have gotten responses that vary from "So you're basically kicked out of the wedding party?" to "WOW, I would be insulted and offended if I were you." The general consensus is that they feel I'm being demoted from a bridesmaid in favor of her FSIL that she's met three times in the 5 years she's been with her fiance.

Anyway, what are your thoughts on this? I'd love to hear some objective opinions.

 

[GettingDesperate905]

I have no helpful advice here but had to say: BIZZARE! Youre a better bm than me, i wouldnt do it

 

[sillyberry]

Ummm...I have no words. Flower girl? WTF? I would be totally bewildered by that. It's

One thing I can (hopefully) alleviate your fears about - at my friend's wedding when I was 28 I recessed with the 12 year old groomsman (groom's little brother) and it was cute and not weird. We got lots of laughs.

Then again, I wasn't the freaking flower girl.

I mean, have uneven bridal parties. Or if it is so important for FSIL to be in the wedding party, then make FI add a groomsman (since his sister is the one causing the disparity).

Sheesh. This is ridiculous.

 

[amc80]

I think it's sort of insulting. A flower girl is a GIRL. I think I would feel downright stupid walking down with a 9 year old boy, unless he was a groomsman. Why can't there just be uneven numbers? Have one guy get walked down the aisle by two gals. I honestly think I would decline and just not be part of the bridal party.

 

[Autumnovember]

I agree with all of the reactions you've gotten so far. I would feel like I was kicked out of the BP...and I really cant believe she actually wants you to do this. Its WEIRD. I would politely tell her you are not interested in doing it anymore (even if it means you won't be in the BP). I would definitely be insulted if I was asked to do something like that....its just silly in my opinion.

 

[Anonymous]

I'd politely tell her that you understand her position of wanting to make her FSIL a BM and she would like you to step down as a BM, however you'd prefer to come as a guest. A flower girl is a position for, well, a GIRL. Not a full grown adult woman. Don't even get me started on the whole short thing. I wonder though, is she having you help with traditional bridesmaid duties? If so, was she planning on still having you take care of those things? It's all kinds of weird! hehe

 

[MustangGal]

Something similar happened to Robbie a couple years ao, she actually did go through with being a flower girl! I don't have the time to go through and find her posts, but there were several about the situation.

That said, I'd probably just decline being in the bridal party and go as a guest.

 

[nkarma]

I think some of these responses are a bit hasty as this is your good friend after all.

I think she just wants people to walk down the aisle in order of height. Can you just suggest her that "flower girl" isn't really the right term as you are a bridesmaid since you will be in the pics, standing up there, wearing the dress, over the age of 10, not throwing flowers, etc...Are you fine walking down with a 9 year old? I think it would be cute and seems like in all other aspects a bridesmaid. You two seemed to be confused because of terminology.

 

[CurlySue]

Based solely on the way this bride has handled her communication with you, if I were you, I would tell her you've changed your mind about being the FG, even if it means not being part of the BP at all.

I mean, she texted you about her supposed conundrum instead of calling you... then pretended she was kidding... then 'fessed up and said she was serious. Awkward and weird. She said her rationale for asking you to be the FG was because you're the shortest??? Wow.

I'd be more irritated about how poorly she's communicating.

With that said, I actually think you could pull off the FG thing *if* you really wanted to. You can still look fabulous, right? And if you're walking down with a 9-year old, you could play it off in a more big-sisterly role or an aunt-like role, even though you aren't related to the kid. Like sillyberry said, it could come off as cute if you strut your stuff with some confidence.

Ultimately, I think if you back out of the FG role, people will understand, so whatever you decide will be fine. Totally up to you and how you feel.

 

[FuturePsyD]

I think the way she approached it is what makes it so awkward.

She pretended like she was joking after she didn't hear back from you for an hour b/c, IMO, she knew what she was asking was a bit insulting. SO she felt she had upset you and tried to play it off as a joke. When you responded kindly and said you would help her out if she really needed you, she back stepped and said she really wasn't joking.

I realize its her wedding and as a friend you want to help her out, but she doesn't seem to be taking your feelings into account AT ALL! She knows what she is asking is a bit insulting and to make matters worse you were chosen as the FG by DEFAULT for being the "shortest". Ugh! She doesn't even bother to give a better excuse, like you're so pretty and you have such a baby face, etc But, "you're the shortest" Not so nice in my opinion when you're asking a friend to do a favor for you.

And I agree with your suggestion her allowing you to at least walk down the aisle alone and not with the 9 year old ring bearer. Isn't that how it's typically done anyways? Seems she doesn't want you to get a lot of attention walking down by yourself or something?

All a bit odd

 

[slg47]

ditto with FuturePsyD is saying...obviously she knew it was going to be offensive so that's why she was feeling you out...seems very odd. I don't think it is appropriate for a 28 year old to be a flower girl, so I would decline. I don't understand why she is so hung up on having the BP be even...but it seems to me like she is essentially kicking you out. Maybe have a conversation with her and try to understand where she is coming from...it seems like you would be part-BM and part-FG which is just awkward. If I were you I would just decline though...or say that you will be happy to support her as a BM but you don't feel comfortable being a FG

 

[blueberrydot]

I'd politely tell her that you understand her position of wanting to make her FSIL a BM and she would like you to step down as a BM, however you'd prefer to come as a guest. A flower girl is a position for, well, a GIRL. Not a full grown adult woman. Don't even get me started on the whole short thing. I wonder though, is she having you help with traditional bridesmaid duties? If so, was she planning on still having you take care of those things? It's all kinds of weird! hehe

This is a good point - she definitely expects me to attend her bachelorette party, and though she hasn't mentioned it I'm sure she assumes I will help in planning it, as well as the bridal shower and other traditional BM duties. She isn't having a MOH, so these duties will probably fall on all of her BMs. In fact, my sister pointed out to me that it may be very likely that many of these duties will fall on my shoulders, because two of her bridesmaids have just completed med school and are currently in their residencies (which will be extremely hectic) and the other BM lives far away, and FSIL lives even further away (she's in Kansas, we're in CA). And another thing - the bride has already asked FSIL to be a BM and she has happily accepted - however, the bride has since sent the BMs a slew of emails to us about a variety of subjects, like BM dress options, possible bachelorette dates, her wedding dress shopping trip with her mom and sister, and her top dress choices. Yet, I noticed that FSIL is NOT included in any of these emails! WACK. So she's taking my place, yet the bride apparently doesn't expect her to be involved?? My sister told me that if the bride is this insistent that I be a flower girl, then I should in turn insist on wearing a white flower girl dress

In all seriousness, though...I just don't understand why she is so insistent on this, because it really doesn't make sense any way you look at it. If I MUST be the flower girl, then I don't understand why I can't just walk alone up the aisle like the other BMs, which is fairly common for FGs anyway. I did a quick poll on another wedding board asking whether their FGs walked alone or with a ring bearer, and everyone that has responded so far had their FG walking alone. I don't mind walking DOWN the aisle with the ring bearer during the recessional, because really, no one is going to be looking at the bridal party at that point anyway, all eyes will be on the bride and groom. I don't know. Perhaps I'm being too fussy about this, but it's only because I don't see the POINT of it all, especially since I'll be dressed in the same BM dresses as everyone else. In fact, it would make more sense for me to be the FG if she told me that I would not be taking pics with the bridal party (it would be a jerk thing to do, yes, but it would make more sense). I mean, her big reason for demoting me to FG is so that she can have an even bridal party, yet if I'm in the bridal party pics - then the party will be uneven! Captured on film for all eternity as being uneven! It just....I don't understand it. I guess she just feels THAT strongly about having a FG and ring bearer walking down the aisle together, because as I mentioned before, she said that if I don't want to do it, she's going to make her sister do it - and it definitely wouldn't be a decision based on height, because her sister is by far the tallest of us all. I'm going to try talking to her again about it and see if I can get concrete reasons as to why she doesn't seem to be budging on this.

 

[blueberrydot]

My sister actually suggested that I bow out of the wedding party as many of you have suggested. I'm torn about doing this, because we've been friends since HS and although we've sort of grown apart over the years, we still refer to each other as "best friends" and I feel that it would be petty of me to drop out over this issue (although I guess you can argue that being "best friends" doesn't mean that much to her since she had no problem demoting me from being BM). I don't know...I'm pretty close with her family, so I feel that they would also think that it would be odd if I dropped out of the wedding. However, I feel like I will probably be in for a crazy ride if I stay in the wedding, and not only because of being a FG. This is not the only harebrained idea the bride has come up with. She told me that she plans on having her two college BMs to give a joint speech at the wedding - the only problem is that they hate each other. The three of them were very close in college, but the two BMs had a falling out several years ago and still don't speak to each other, and the bride thinks that her wedding will be the perfect opportunity to patch things up. ugghghh...just thinking about this is stressing me out.

 

[swingirl]

I think if it were me I'd decline. Recently there was a PS survey on how much does being a a bridesmaid cost. The average was about $1000. Not to mention the responsibility of putting together the showers or bachelorette duties. That's a lot for a second class flower girl to take on especially when it sounds like those expenses/responsibilites would be dumped on your lap.

I think her first email was a cheap shot (Just kidding. No, I am serious.) because she knows what she has asked is totally inappropriate. You should NOT be part so someone's wedding party to do a chore or "even out" the numbers. No, I would decline and enjoy the wedding from a far. Spend $100 on a new dress, $100 on a gift, and $800 on yourself.

PS I would NEVER ask my best friend to be my flower girl.

 

[stepcutgirl]

Odd. Odd. Odd. I'm having an uneven bridal party and honestly...it really isn't a big deal. I would decline and attend as a guest.

 

[kelpie]

Hmm, I was supposed to have a 28 yo flowergirl, but this was because she was really excited about it and asked if she could be one. I was like, "why not?" and she has 2 little girls who I guessed should be ones too, but she ended up backing out because she's in AK and I'm on the east coast. I would be put off to be in your situation, I'd say something like, "Look I don't need to have a part in your wedding, especially one as random as this". Also weird how she was "kidding" then "serious". I'd hope she would reimburse you for the dress.

 

[CharmyPoo]

I must agree with others that you should just decline. In all honesty, she probably doesn't want her FSIL to be in the wedding party but is pressured into doing the "right thing". This puts you in an awkward position and I can just see it - you will feel crappy throughout the whole wedding. You wouldn't know where you are suppose to stand .. what you are suppose to do .. are you intruding .. etc. It's not worth the headache and pain day of. Just attend as a guest and be gracious to still support her in planning the bachelorette and hopefully she will recognize how gracious you are and show appreciation.

 

[merbear1215]

I have to admit, when I read this post, I was laughing out loud. It is just so out there. And yes, like the other ladies have said, the fact that rather than calling and explaining the situation, she did a "joke" thing, very very strange.

I am having an uneven bridal party, and I could care less. To me, it is about who is important to you, etc....not just filling in as neccesary or cutting people because the numbers don't line up. Is the uneven thing a problem for her or her fiance? I would NEVER ask someone not to be a bridesmaid after I had asked them to be one.....usually people give some thought to who they ask so it doesn't end up like that.

Here is my advice: ask yourself if you actually want to do this?? If you want to wear the dress, be in the bridal party, all that stuff, then forget the strangeness of it and do what you want. However, if you don't want to do it, turn the situation around on her and kill her with kindness. Just say something like "I totally understand why you would want to have your future SIL in the bridal party and I am fine with that. And I know that having even numbers is really crucial. It's your wedding so I just want to make it as easy as possible on you so don't even worry about fitting me in the bridal party, I totally get it." Hard to dispute that when you frame it in a way that is benficial to her.

Now, the part of me that thinks this is nuts.....no way in hell I would plan her stuff and spend much money on it

 

[Anonymous]

After reading more about her saying she'd have her sister do it if you don't, It seems like she really wants a flower girl, but doesn't have any younger girls that can fulfill the role. She still wants it, and doesn't want an uneven number of BM's, so she's going down her list of BM's that would be least likely to tell her no to being the "flower girl".

True friends wouldn't really put you in this situation. Maybe she doesn't realize all of these things because she's too close to the situation? I don't know. It sounds like at the very least you need to have a heart to heart with her so you can share your thoughts and set some boundaries for the relationship because you're being taken advantage of if you agree to do what she asks.

 

[rosetta]

If anyone suggested that I be their flower girl because I'm the SHORTEST, my foot would make contact with their butt.

 

[blueberrydot]

I must agree with others that you should just decline. In all honesty, she probably doesn't want her FSIL to be in the wedding party but is pressured into doing the "right thing". This puts you in an awkward position and I can just see it - you will feel crappy throughout the whole wedding. You wouldn't know where you are suppose to stand .. what you are suppose to do .. are you intruding .. etc. It's not worth the headache and pain day of. Just attend as a guest and be gracious to still support her in planning the bachelorette and hopefully she will recognize how gracious you are and show appreciation.

This is EXACTLY what I am afraid of. Like, when I walk up the aisle of the church, would I just sit down in the pew, or would I stand up at the altar with the rest of the BMs? When the wedding party is introduced at the reception, is my name just not going to be called? Will I be excluded from the head table?

The thing that really stings is that I know that it was her choice to include FSIL as a BM, and her choice alone, and it's not due to any pressure on her fiance's part or anything like that. If it was at his insistence, then he would have added a groomsman to his party to even out the numbers. I know her fiance, and he's not the type to say, "I want you to add my sister as a BM, but I don't want to add a GM, so you're gonna have to get rid of one of your BMs somehow." He would NEVER do that. And that's really what sucks the most, that I know this was her decision. If it wasn't, she would have said something about feeling obligated to ask her, but she hasn't said anything like that.

The more I think about it, the more sad and angry I get. We've been friends for over 13 years, we've been through a LOT together, and now I'm getting pushed out because she doesn't want to have an uneven bridal party. She has a general inclination to be a bit thoughtless and not all there, but her stubbornness on this issue makes me think that she just doesn't care what my feelings are about this, period. I'm going to email her sister, who I'm also close with, to see if she has any insights on this situation. After all, she's next on the chopping block if I'm out, apparently. I'll let you all know what ends up happening. Thanks for all your advice!

 

[monarch64]

BBD--while I definitely think it is strange that this request has been made of you, I wonder if there couldn't be more communication about it between you and this bride-to-be?

I would want to know specifically, before accepting the role of flower "girl", all rules and regulations, and I would just jot down a list of concerns. Something like:

Will I be wearing a similar or same dress as bridesmaids/MOH?

Will I be expected to attend all other adult wedding functions such as showers, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, post-wedding brunch, etc?

Will I be included in all formal pictures?

What duties will I be called upon to do besides walking the ringbearer down the aisle?

Will I be allowed to imbibe (drink alcohol) during the reception (provided there is alcohol available since I am of age)?

To really "even out" the bridal party, might I request a male of smaller stature who will provide some visual balance in formal photos?

Etc.

Sorry, a few of those were me just being facetious.

I think you could use a list like that to open up a candid conversation about her stance on this, though. Maybe??? I hope everything works out.

I've been working hard myself to try to let my inner cynic say "just let it go." I'm sorry this is happening to you. I hope you come to some sort of resolution. Best regards--Monnie.

 

[Trekkie]

I would be incredibly offended.

I internalise too much so I probably wouldn't show it. I'd just politely resign from the bridal party, go to her wedding and smile*.

*...and probably sulk in private... Very mature, I know.

 

[diamondbuggy]

If someone asked me to be a flower girl because I was the shortest I would be incredibly insulted! I'm very short so I'm feeling offended for you. I can't believe how this bride handled this situation. It's all very weird.

 

[oranges]

That is absolutely NUTS !!!! I would decline to be the "flower girl" because that is just ridiculous and then proceed to drop out of the wedding party. It doesn't seem like she values having you stand up there with her on her big day---she's more concerned about numbers and wedding photos. UGH!

 

[Blackpaw]

your friend sounds like a dumb*$%, i wouldnt do it

 

[princesss]

I'm totally having a Robbie the Hot Flower Girl flashback here. Holy cow.

Honestly, I'd go through with it solely because I think it's so absurd and hilarious, how could I not? But I'd definitely back out of planning anything - I mean, you have your role and as far as I remember, flower girls don't pay for strippers or shots!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I'm totally having a Robbie the Hot Flower Girl flashback here. Holy cow.

Honestly, I'd go through with it solely because I think it's so absurd and hilarious, how could I not? But I'd definitely back out of planning anything - I mean, you have your role and as far as I remember, flower girls don't pay for strippers or shots!

I think I'm biased because I thought Robbie rocked it as a flower girl. I do find the way the bride asked you to be awkward, but being a FG over a BM has its perks (which Princesss pointed out). I would just go with it and I think everybody will appreciate what a good sport you are about it.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Wow. I almost have no words.

Does she not realize that NO ONE CARES about even sides anymore?!? I am totally fine with Men of Honor and Best Women roles but an adult flower girl just to even sides is absolutely ludicrous. Is your name going to be printed in the program as the FG or as a BM?

Sometimes I'll play devil's advocate for a bride b/c I realize how when you're getting married, it's hard to grasp that NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR WEDDING AS MUCH AS YOU. It's so easy to make a mountain out of a molehill when you're planning a wedding. The things I thought I would care about, I barely noticed on the big day. The things I got worked up about on the actual day, no one even noticed when I talked to them later.

I would politely decline. Maybe once she has a second to think about having you on your terms vs not having you at all, she's realize how selfish she's being. Don't spend another minute being sad or angry about this. Send her an email and explain your feelings and tell her that you will happily attend as a guest.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I'm totally having a Robbie the Hot Flower Girl flashback here. Holy cow.

Honestly, I'd go through with it solely because I think it's so absurd and hilarious, how could I not? But I'd definitely back out of planning anything - I mean, you have your role and as far as I remember, flower girls don't pay for strippers or shots!

I think I'm biased because I thought Robbie rocked it as a flower girl. I do find the way the bride asked you to be awkward, but being a FG over a BM has its perks (which Princesss pointed out). I would just go with it and I think everybody will appreciate what a good sport you are about it.

Ditto this.