IS this now a thing for bridal showers

[Calliecake]

I was recently invited to a bridal shower where there was very little registered for gifts. I thought it was a little strange until I noticed they had a site where you paid to fund their honeymoon. It was clearly marked ”Fund the Honeymoon”. The wedding is being paid for by the parents. Do people nowadays expect bridal shower guests to fund their honeymoon?

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Oh my, so you are expected to give a cash donation at the bridal shower AND possibly cash at the wedding for a gift? I know here in the northeast it is expected that you “cover your plate plus extra as a gift”. It seems a bit grabby to me to be honest.

 

[dk168]

I believe it depends on their circumstances.

For example, if the couple have known each other and/or set up home together for some time, then they are unlikely to need anything for their new home as there might not be one.

Therefore, it would make sense to me if they request for contributions towards their honeymoon as it could be their once in a life time holiday.

DK

 

[CSpan]

The honeyfund concept has been around for awhile although I usually see it for wedding gifts not showers. For showers I always give something in a box (or bag). I had a friend who didn’t need to register for anything, two adult household etc. they toyed with a honeyfund but in the end asked for no gifts. To each their own.

 

[Demon]

I was recently invited to a bridal shower where there was very little registered for gifts. I thought it was a little strange until I noticed they had a site where you paid to fund their honeymoon. It was clearly marked ”Fund the Honeymoon”. The wedding is being paid for by the parents. Do people nowadays expect bridal shower guests to fund their honeymoon?

OMG we may be related, lol. My niece did the same thing. Registered at Zola, with not very many choices, and there is a choice to fund the honeymoon. I tried to buy a few things for the shower, and got to the end to pay, and there was a 'problem' with my order. Not the payment, the order. Of course it didn't say what the problem was. So I emailed them and about a week later got a message saying I could try again. So at this point, I guess its the fund the honeymoon option.

In all fairness, though, this is the only place they're registered for both the shower and the wedding.

 

[elizat]

I am not really up on bridal custom.

But I think it's fine. I'd just spend what I would off a registry item. I would not spend more though. I think boxed gifts can look like more versus cash but I would still only give what I planned on anyway.

 

[chemgirl]

I’m seeing this far more often now that my friends are mostly in their mid 30’s.

We all have houses full of stuff.

It doesn’t really bother me. I just give them whatever I would have spent on a toaster.

 

[Calliecake]

OMG we may be related, lol. My niece did the same thing. Registered at Zola, with not very many choices, and there is a choice to fund the honeymoon. I tried to buy a few things for the shower, and got to the end to pay, and there was a 'problem' with my order. Not the payment, the order. Of course it didn't say what the problem was. So I emailed them and about a week later got a message saying I could try again. So at this point, I guess its the fund the honeymoon option.

In all fairness, though, this is the only place they're registered for both the shower and the wedding.

Too funny @Demon. They are also registered at Zola. I had never seen anything like this.

 

[Cerulean]

Well, I did it myself. We set minimum contributions at $5.

Not for a shower...it was for our wedding. We said NO gifts at our joint shower + bachelor + bachelorette party (Whatever it was...it was about being with our friends!!!)....but It is common among millennials. Nothing we really did was "traditional" beyond me wearing a white dress and him a suit!

We also encouraged people to not contribute funds if they preferred not to, and give us something meaningful like a piece of art, or a card. Many of our friends are artists, they do not make money and we want them to keep it.

My husband and I didn't need things, and I mean really nothing. We are moving cross-country and are de-cluttering, so overwhelmed by the amount of crap we have, which is the opposite of what traditional wedding registries are about.

Neither of us even likes Christmas gifts, so why drum of a list of items that neither of us even want if it's our wedding? Some relatives asked us to come up with a registry of items because our wedding was canceled and they felt bad, we insisted we didn't want anything but they insisted right back, so here we are...not a big deal in the end. Grateful for generosity but...

Maybe try to see it from their perspective. Now if they expect cash + gifts that's another ballgame and I think that's way too much.

 

[Elizabeth35]

TBH--if you are already set up in a house--why the bridal shower?
I would throw an engagement party and request no gifts--just a party.

I thought the point of bridal and baby showers was to gift people things they needed?

 

[Demon]

Too funny @Demon. They are also registered at Zola. I had never seen anything like this.

Lol. Well if you're going to a shower on Aug 7, wear a red scarf so I'll know who you are.

I had problems with Zola for another wedding, too.

 

[Calliecake]

@Demon , I wish we were going to the same shower. I’ve loved reading your posts for years.

 

[bludiva]

i've seen crowdfunding for honeymoons as part of the wedding registry. so instead of buying a waffle iron you can buy the couple some excursion during their trip to hawaii or whatever. i dunno, all registries are a little tacky to me but i'm going to spend whatever my budget is for the wedding. if i want to buy a 50$ gift and they don't have an option in my price range i just get something that's not on the registry.

 

[josieKat]

We did have a honeymoon fund as one of our registry options - we were going as a family, and already had almost everything we needed in two households (both near 50 at the time, second marriage for me). We listed things were were going to do - like snorkeling, drinks on the beach, getting a souvenir, or flights - so people could pick a specific thing to help fund. We kept the minimum really low, and also stressed that it was no pressure because we didn't really need anything. We were able to send a picture of what activity they helped fund in our thank yous. About half picked funding something, and the other half mostly gave cash in person.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Soon it'll be "fund my 3ct Ering"!

 

[Demon]

@Demon , I wish we were going to the same shower. I’ve loved reading your posts for years.

And I've enjoyed yours.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I guess its a cultural or maybe even generational thing so honestly no offence intended
But i find it tacky and greedy, so
lets have a party so we can get stuff

I actually always thought this way about engagement parties

But then i have never been married

 

[nala]

I first saw this like 13 years ago—the couple is now divorced, lol. And I have seen it a lot since then. People use the same registers for wedding as shower, yet you are expected to bring 2 gifts so who knows what makes these couples happy. On the one hand, if the couple is doing a registry to begin with, I guess at that point who cares what they request-lol—they are just dictating to guests what their preference is. I used to think it was in poor taste but tbh, some guests are aholes and will attend a wedding with a crappy gift if any. So I guess it’s just the thing to do now.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I advocate donating for the (potential) RESP fund. Is that an option? Cuz after all the fun on the honeymoon, futures might need a University education!!
cheers--Sharon

 

[qubitasaurus]

I think maybe a registry wouldn't hurt, it helps people not have to think too much. But possibly helpful to have an online one where people can order items no matter where they are. A honey fund is a bit off to me. I think maybe if your hoping for cash gifts then it's less insensitive just to not create the registry at all and ask for a card with a thoughtful message -- accept some people will write something sincere and leave it at that and others will bring you an envelope with some cash.

I think some stage towards the end of planning a wedding your brain just gets fried though and you don't have the energy to think your way through how all the social stuff should be working.

I remember I tried not to invite my own family. As I was worried I'd be putting pressure on them to travel and we live in a very expensive place -- so you know that'd be at least 4 k per person. In retrospect that was one of the less sensitive things I did, lol. I also asked for no gifts. Mmmm could have been more sensitive about that one too -- I should have asked for a card and a rain check to have a dinner with them later or some experience we could share later, so they could give at least something. Most wanted to. Also because most of my extended family sent one representative each, so I effectively cut a lot of people out anyway just because of location and I am guessing those who made it would have liked to have later talked about the event over dinner with us and the rest of their family (it was all my aunts and uncles who made it. While my cousins and their young families weren't there for obvious reasons).

 

[Austina]

I’m with you @YadaYadaYada it all sounds so grabby. Fortunately, we’ve only been to 2 weddings in the recent years, both children of our best friends. They both already had homes, so didn’t need ‘stuff’, (didn’t have ‘showers’ I don’t know if that’s a thing here yet). When their son got married, we asked if they needed anything particular, and we gave them the money for it, and when their daughter got married, they said IF people wanted to gift them anything, they’d appreciate money towards their honeymoon.

I’m sure I’m completely out of touch with the way things are today, but if we were invited to a wedding of an acquaintance and asked to pay for our food, we simply wouldn’t go.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@Austina, this is exactly what we did. When we married we already had a house and didn’t need anything so, we didn’t have a shower. My co-workers threw me a shower because they wanted to but I was rather uncomfortable about receiving gifts.

 

[Dandi]

I don't understand bridal showers...here in Aus they aren't really a thing (yet) but I've just been invited to one, and don't know what to bring, if there's an expectation to bring a gift! I bought champagne glasses, as the bride and groom have a house together already. They had an engagement party, which is pretty par for course here, and of course the wedding in 6 weeks, so I'm a bit baffled as to why another gift-giving event needs to take place. I suppose as they just aren't commonplace here, I don't get them! I never had baby showers for my kids either, I felt uncomfortable with the notion of asking people to a party and bringing gifts for the occupant of my tummy!

 

[dk168]

I have yet to be invited to a whatever-shower in UK, only hen parties, and they were just girly night outs that were a little bit more risque - one requested for contributions towards adult entertainments such as a naked waiter and a stripper!

DK

 

[doberman]

Soon it'll be "fund my 3ct Ering"!

Or "fund my upgrade"!

If you already have a house stocked with everything you need, you don't need a shower. It's already expected that you're going to be out some hundreds of dollars for the wedding, must you contribute cash again?

There's something about this I don't like, but I can't articulate it very well. A honeymoon is the responsibility of the couple, not their friends and family.

 

[nala]

Here’s my question—especially if you don’t appreciate the registry or honeymoon fund request: Would you show up to a wedding— knowing the couple spent time and effort to show you a great time— empty-handed? Wouldn’t you want to be just as considerate of the couple by giving them a gift they would actually appreciate? And not just taking a chance that they might like your “thoughtful” gift bc you have no idea what they want?
I think the idea of etiquette goes both ways. Yes not cool to request but even more uncool to give a crappy gift. It’s a given that gifts will be given so you might as well stop with the pretenses and request what you want.

 

[Lookinagain]

if you already have everything you need, then why not ask the guests who insist on giving a gift to donate to your favorite charity? I would feel much better about doing that then paying for someone's honeymoon.

 

[nala]

if you already have everything you need, then why not ask the guests who insist on giving a gift to donate to your favorite charity? I would feel much better about doing that then paying for someone's honeymoon.

Sometimes one person’s favorite charity is problematic to others bc of the values that is supports. Just playing devil’s advocate here.

Also, so couples who have it all should not expect any kind of gifts for themselves? Call me selfish, but sometimes it’s nice to be celebrated and get gifts.

For Any party that you attend you can assume that the host “has it all” or why spend money throwing a party. So should we just stop giving gifts altogether?

 

[MamaBee]

I was recently invited to a bridal shower where there was very little registered for gifts. I thought it was a little strange until I noticed they had a site where you paid to fund their honeymoon. It was clearly marked ”Fund the Honeymoon”. The wedding is being paid for by the parents. Do people nowadays expect bridal shower guests to fund their honeymoon?

@Calliecake I just went to one this past Saturday. On the registry it had a link to fund a house! I didn’t want to just send money through there. I would have felt weird going to the shower without a gift doing it that way. I talked it over with a friend who was also going. We decided to write a check. We put large bows on the cards to bring to the shower.

 

[Lookinagain]

Sometimes one person’s favorite charity is problematic to others bc of the values that is supports. Just playing devil’s advocate here.

Also, so couples who have it all should not expect any kind of gifts for themselves? Call me selfish, but sometimes it’s nice to be celebrated and get gifts.

For Any party that you attend you can assume that the host “has it all” or why spend money throwing a party. So should we just stop giving gifts altogether?

No. Some of the posters above said they didn’t want gifts and I was suggesting that if someone insisted on giving one you could ask them to donate to your favorite charity instead. There is nothing forcing them to do that. They could suggest another charity. I did not say people who have what they need shouldn’t get gifts. But if someone tells their guests not to give gifts sometimes a guest may insist upon it and I offered the charity contribution as a way to make the guest feel like they had done some thing for the bride and groom.

And as also mentioned some posters don’t like the idea of donating to a honeymoon fund. I was presenting another option.