Is it wrong for me to dislike someone so much?

[brightlight]

I really dislike my SIL. She''s done some really horrible things to my family that I don''t want to get into, but she''s the MOST selfish and self-absorbed person I''ve ever met. Example: she admitted that she was going to use her baby to spite her father. She always has an angle to manipulate people to get what she wants from them.

I really struggle with my feelings. I strive to be a good person and live a positive life, and I feel guilty for having such negative feelings about another person. She is the only person I''ve felt this negative about. I don''t think I was capable of disliking someone so much until I met her, and I feel guilty knowing I''m capable of disliking someone so much.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 3/5/2010 4:25:44 PM
Author:brightlight
I really dislike my SIL. She''s done some really horrible things to my family that I don''t want to get into, but she''s the MOST selfish and self-absorbed person I''ve ever met. Example: she admitted that she was going to use her baby to spite her father. She always has an angle to manipulate people to get what she wants from them.


I really struggle with my feelings. I strive to be a good person and live a positive life, and I feel guilty for having such negative feelings about another person. She is the only person I''ve felt this negative about. I don''t think I was capable of disliking someone so much until I met her, and I feel guilty knowing I''m capable of disliking someone so much.

Don''t feel guilty. If you don''t like someone, it''s probably for a reason. Either because of their actions, or maybe you just don''t "mesh" with them and it creates a toxic vibe.

Whatever the reason, keep your distance and take a step back for your own mental well being. If she wants to seek you out, you can see how you feel then.

 

[meresal]

I think it's fine not to like her, but at some point you have to choose to not let her effect your feelings.

This is what I am trying to implement with my MIL. I just laugh at the things that come out of her mouth. It's been so much better for my personal morale.

ETA: There is no one in my life that I dilike, expect for MIL at points, but it's so much easier to just remove these people from your day-to-day life as much as possible. When it comes to family, it so much better to just Fake-It.

I don't mean fake a friendship, I mean if you are in a public setting, fake a friendly converstaion and then go on your way.

 

[dragonfly411]

I agree with PA trust your instinct on a person. If she''s done bad things to your family, and is manipulative in that way, then something is amiss, and you are only acting on your instinct.

 

[Steel]

No, it is not wrong to dislike another person.

I would add two thoughts. Firstly that people change, you and or she might change so you may not hate her forever and secondly is it possible that she simply expresses herself badly?

 

[hmr_mama]

brightlight--I think we have the same SIL!! Just last night I was talking to my husband about her (it is his step-brother''s wife). I have been turning the other cheek for years and I''m really beginning to tire of it. Like my mom always says, "you don''t have to like her....but you gotta love her!".

 

[Maisie]

I think its ok not to like someone as long as you don''t get caught up in negative stuff. I don''t like my mother''s husband (eeek did I just say that out loud?), but I am respectful towards him and don''t do anything that make me feel ashamed of my behaviour.

 

[Kaleigh]

Sounds like she's given you plenty of reasons to dislike her. So no it's not wrong of you to dislike her...

You can't like everyone.

Those that I dislike, well they've given me plenty of reasons to dislike them and stay clear of them.

ETA: In saying that, there are very few that I really dislike.

 

[purrfectpear]

Just remember that it takes a lot more energy to dislike someone than it does to ignore them. All your dislike in the world will probably never bother her, but it will bother you.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 3/5/2010 5:47:04 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Just remember that it takes a lot more energy to dislike someone than it does to ignore them. All your dislike in the world will probably never bother her, but it will bother you.

True that PP. +1

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I do think there are people out there who are truly toxic. It sounds like your SIL may be one of them. In normal circumstances the best solution would be to avoid the toxic person. If you cannot distance yourself you can detach yourself emotional. Think about WHY she is the way she is. What life events led her to react the way so does? What makes her prone to manipulation? I think we are molded for the most part by life (the good and the bad). I find it easier when I look at a toxic person as not someone who is out to make MY life difficult but someone who is sick (physically or mentally) and is lost. I don''t want to hold onto resentments or anger b/c then I myself become toxic. So my best advice is to let go. Be grateful you don''t need to cope with life the way she does. Accept your differences and pray someday she can live a happy and healthy life. It is not your job to change or save her.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/5/2010 4:25:44 PM
Author:brightlight
I really dislike my SIL. She's done some really horrible things to my family that I don't want to get into, but she's the MOST selfish and self-absorbed person I've ever met. Example: she admitted that she was going to use her baby to spite her father. She always has an angle to manipulate people to get what she wants from them.

Do you think she's manipulating you in some way? Be careful around her and watch your back.

 

[somethingshiny]

It is not wrong to dislike someone.

It is wrong to disrespect someone.

It is wrong to try to get others to go along with your dislike.

It doesn''t sound like you want to treat her disrespectfully or get others on your "side" so I''d say you''re fine.

Ditto to ignoring her as much as possible. It really is a waste of your time and energy.

 

[yssie]

Date: 3/5/2010 6:57:45 PM
Author: somethingshiny
It is not wrong to dislike someone.

It is wrong to disrespect someone.

It is wrong to try to get others to go along with your dislike.

It doesn't sound like you want to treat her disrespectfully or get others on your 'side' so I'd say you're fine.

Ditto to ignoring her as much as possible. It really is a waste of your time and energy.

Perfect advice.

 

[oddoneout]

Sounds like you have very good reasons to dislike her. I think it''s waranted.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 3/5/2010 4:28:52 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 3/5/2010 4:25:44 PM

Author:brightlight

I really dislike my SIL. She''s done some really horrible things to my family that I don''t want to get into, but she''s the MOST selfish and self-absorbed person I''ve ever met. Example: she admitted that she was going to use her baby to spite her father. She always has an angle to manipulate people to get what she wants from them.



I really struggle with my feelings. I strive to be a good person and live a positive life, and I feel guilty for having such negative feelings about another person. She is the only person I''ve felt this negative about. I don''t think I was capable of disliking someone so much until I met her, and I feel guilty knowing I''m capable of disliking someone so much.

Don''t feel guilty. If you don''t like someone, it''s probably for a reason. Either because of their actions, or maybe you just don''t ''mesh'' with them and it creates a toxic vibe.


Whatever the reason, keep your distance and take a step back for your own mental well being. If she wants to seek you out, you can see how you feel then.

This.

 

[kama_s]

What makes it worse is that she''s family. If there was someone else you knew who was awful and manipulative, you would probably cut ties and avoid the person. But you can''t exactly do that with your SIL. And that''s why you dislike her so much, because you have no choice than to be around her.

Like others mentioned, ignore her as much as you can. Not in a ''I''m-going-to-pretend-you-aren''t-here'' kind of way, but more just keeping your distance and minimal contact.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 3/5/2010 4:58:27 PM
Author: Steal
No, it is not wrong to dislike another person.

I would add two thoughts. Firstly that people change, you and or she might change so you may not hate her forever and secondly is it possible that she simply expresses herself badly?

Thanks to everyone for the support.

We tried to believe that she could change, but we've lost all hope. When having a baby didn't change her at all, we pretty much gave up hope. It's not an issue of poor communication. We've got plenty of poor communicators in the family. It's not even that she's a b**tch. We can tolerate that. It's the fact that she purposely manipulates people to get what she wants, and she treats others so poorly. I just can't tolerate people who purposely do bad things to people for their own benefit.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 3/5/2010 5:27:04 PM
Author: Maisie
I think its ok not to like someone as long as you don''t get caught up in negative stuff. I don''t like my mother''s husband (eeek did I just say that out loud?), but I am respectful towards him and don''t do anything that make me feel ashamed of my behaviour.

No one in the family likes her. I''ve heard other people say bad things about her and be openly hostile towards her, but I''ve never said anything bad (well, except to my hubby). I''ve always been cordial and polite but not overly friendly (b/c I can''t lie like that). I can''t control her behavior, but I can control mine. I think that may be part of my problem -- I''ve been holding it all in.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 3/5/2010 5:47:04 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Just remember that it takes a lot more energy to dislike someone than it does to ignore them. All your dislike in the world will probably never bother her, but it will bother you.

Oh no, it bothers her a lot that people don''t like her.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 3/5/2010 6:45:20 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I do think there are people out there who are truly toxic. It sounds like your SIL may be one of them. In normal circumstances the best solution would be to avoid the toxic person. If you cannot distance yourself you can detach yourself emotional. Think about WHY she is the way she is. What life events led her to react the way so does? What makes her prone to manipulation? I think we are molded for the most part by life (the good and the bad). I find it easier when I look at a toxic person as not someone who is out to make MY life difficult but someone who is sick (physically or mentally) and is lost. I don't want to hold onto resentments or anger b/c then I myself become toxic. So my best advice is to let go. Be grateful you don't need to cope with life the way she does. Accept your differences and pray someday she can live a happy and healthy life. It is not your job to change or save her.

This is what I don't want to happen, but I really dislike her. I think she's just a bad person who doesn't live in reality.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 3/5/2010 6:55:53 PM
Author: MC

Date: 3/5/2010 4:25:44 PM
Author:brightlight
I really dislike my SIL. She''s done some really horrible things to my family that I don''t want to get into, but she''s the MOST selfish and self-absorbed person I''ve ever met. Example: she admitted that she was going to use her baby to spite her father. She always has an angle to manipulate people to get what she wants from them.

Do you think she''s manipulating you in some way? Be careful around her and watch your back.

Believe me she tries. She also tells flat out lies about me to my family. They call her on it, and she backs down.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 3/5/2010 6:57:45 PM
Author: somethingshiny
It is not wrong to dislike someone.

It is wrong to disrespect someone.

It is wrong to try to get others to go along with your dislike.

It doesn''t sound like you want to treat her disrespectfully or get others on your ''side'' so I''d say you''re fine.

Ditto to ignoring her as much as possible. It really is a waste of your time and energy.

Occasionally, I have to remind myself that by disrespecting her I''m disrespecting myself by lowering myself to her level. Still, it''s not easy at times.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 3/5/2010 9:53:55 PM
Author: kama_s
What makes it worse is that she''s family. If there was someone else you knew who was awful and manipulative, you would probably cut ties and avoid the person. But you can''t exactly do that with your SIL. And that''s why you dislike her so much, because you have no choice than to be around her.

Like others mentioned, ignore her as much as you can. Not in a ''I''m-going-to-pretend-you-aren''t-here'' kind of way, but more just keeping your distance and minimal contact.

This is very true. Sometimes, in order to avoid her, I have to avoid my entire family.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 3/5/2010 10:21:36 PM
Author: brightlight

Date: 3/5/2010 5:47:04 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Just remember that it takes a lot more energy to dislike someone than it does to ignore them. All your dislike in the world will probably never bother her, but it will bother you.

Oh no, it bothers her a lot that people don''t like her.

Apparently not, or she''d change

 

[susimoo]

Brightlight,

Take the high road!!

I am Scottish and love a good excuse for a song i.e You take the high road, I''ll take the low road!!

I have been there. Ignore her, that hurts her more. Don''t fuel her fire. Dampen it with love and goodwill.

This chokes negativity!

GOOD LUCK!

 

[Bliss]

Hello! Do you think that your trying so hard not to dislike her is causing you more grief and strain? Maybe you could just allow yourself to feel hurt and angry over her behavior. There's nothing wrong with you or your feelings. I feel that fighting your true feelings can create more conflict. Is it possible to be OK with the fact that you two will never be best chums? Might be easier once you accept it and give yourself permission not to like her. (hugs)

 

[Lilac]

Date: 3/5/2010 10:11:35 PM
Author: brightlight

We tried to believe that she could change, but we''ve lost all hope. When having a baby didn''t change her at all, we pretty much gave up hope. It''s not an issue of poor communication. We''ve got plenty of poor communicators in the family. It''s not even that she''s a b**tch. We can tolerate that. It''s the fact that she purposely manipulates people to get what she wants, and she treats others so poorly. I just can''t tolerate people who purposely do bad things to people for their own benefit.

My MIL is exactly like that. *EXACTLY*. It is unbelievably difficult to be around her because of how selfish and manipulative she can be. My solution? Encourage DH to talk to her as much as he feels he can stand it (he can''t stand his mother''s behavior either, but I don''t want him to stop speaking to her entirely because I think that might hurt him more in the long run) and other than that, I avoid her. We don''t see her or FIL much (FIL is just as bad, except he''s more mean than anything else). We deal with them when we have to, and that''s about it. After years of us putting in effort to spend time with them and be nice to them and they have only been critical, selfish, manipulative, and not nice they just simply aren''t worth our time and energy.

I also hate that I hate them so much. I don''t like disliking people and I try not to have negative feelings like this. I totally understand you feeling guilty about it because I feel completely guilty sometimes if I don''t call or try to talk to his parents - but then I remind myself of all the years I DID try and all the negativity I received in return. I shouldn''t feel bad about not liking people who don''t treat me well at all (and neither should you).

 

[brightlight]

Date: 3/6/2010 2:44:06 AM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 3/5/2010 10:21:36 PM
Author: brightlight

Date: 3/5/2010 5:47:04 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Just remember that it takes a lot more energy to dislike someone than it does to ignore them. All your dislike in the world will probably never bother her, but it will bother you.

Oh no, it bothers her a lot that people don''t like her.

Apparently not, or she''d change

You would think so but not her. She goes crazy - like rageful crazy. Another MAJOR reason we have a problem with her.

 

[brightlight]

Thanks for the additional comments. I''ve got to head out for dinner, but I''ll respond when I get back.