Is it tacky....

[cmcwill]

Is it tacky to have some sort of "honeymoon fund" either on your registry or mentioned on your knot website or something similiar?

Colleen

 

[jackieblue]

I may get flamed for this, but honestly...I think it's tacky.

If people choose to give you money and that's how you choose to spend it, great. You still shouldn't actually ask for money.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Yes, asking for money is tacky and against etiquette. . .

wedding etiquete

From the above website. . ."Registries are the limit of how much a couple may direct gift giving. You may not indicate that you would prefer cash, request donations to your mortgage fund, take up a honeymoon collection, or even mention that you’d rather the money go to charity. Any attempt to direct generosity looks greedy. Coincidentally, it also makes guests feel less generous."

 

[cmcwill]

Haha! Thanks guys! I thought it was a little weird...I thought it was a little weird to see a mention of the registry on a save the date notice or invitations that I've gotten, but apparently people are doing that now too.

Thanks for your opinions!
Colleen

 

[CaptAubrey]

i don't think it's that cut-and-dried. there are plenty of cultures where gifts of money are not just appropriate but expected. i've been to weddings where the couple conducted a "money dance," where the guests would pay for a dance with the bride. personally, i find this in bad taste, but plenty of people don't.




that said, the captain is old school on gifts--they are things given in celebration of the marriage, and the couple has no business dictating what they should be given (or, god forbid, how much should be spent). registry information is to be released only when requested. it's okay on shower invitations but that's it.




the only exception i would make is "no gifts please, if you want to celebrate our marriage please make a donation to [this charity]." i've seen those and don't think there's anything wrong with it. some people find it tacky, but it's a useful reminder that weddings can get too materialistic.

 

[AtlantaC]

I agree that it's not a clear cut issue as it once was. When young couples really are just starting out, or couples are filling up a home, those store registries are a huge help. However, many couples, like my fiancee and I, have already been together for a while and on our own for quite some time. That means such couples probably already have all the linens, dishes, knives, pots, pans, crock-pots, blenders, toasters and little candle holders they need.

Registry info in general should be passed through the grapevine anyway, and gifts shouldn't be expected. If someone wants to give you something you need they'll ask your family or friends where you're registered or for gift ideas. They shouldn't feel bad or angry if the gift that's suggested to them by family and/or friends is money.

What's the difference between someone knowing you gave them $20 cash and knowing you gave them a $20 candlestick that they registered for?

If someone isn't comfortable giving money, they certainly are entitled to give you anything they want or nothing at all. As I said, gifts are not to be expected. Personally, I'd rather have nothing instead of another collection of things I don't need yet have to lug around or sell at a garage sale for 1/10th of what someone paid for it. That's just wasteful. When the situation is reversed, I always feel like I'm giving people something I know they can use when I give them money.

 

[aliciamt7]

Another option instead of doing a "honeymoon fund" is to use a vacation website (I forget which one does a lot of them, but it's very popular--I'm sure theknot.com or weddingchannel.com has it on there somewhere) as one of your registries and on it it lists things that your guests can get you toward your honeymoon, such as dinner at one of the fancy restaurants, a parasailing trip, etc...and that way you don't actually ask for money, but your guests can pay for things you will be doing there. A lot of couples who already live together and have a lot of things normally registered for do this because it helps to cut costs during the actual honeymoon. Good luck!

Alicia

 

[winyan]

In the NorthEast, especially in the NY/NJ area, money is usually given to a wedding couple. Italian families especially, seem to honor this custom, and the bride actually carries a money bag for the gifts.

I received exactly one material gift (a set of brass candle sticks) for my wedding, the rest was cards w/cash or checks inside. The person who gave the candle sticks was from the Anapolis, Md. area.

win

 

[cmcwill]

I'm from NJ too, so I'm familiar with the money thing...I guess I've always thought it was a balance of both registry gifts and monetary (cover your plate) gifts. I was just wondering what people's opinions on actually asking for money (with a purpose in mind) rather than gifts was. I'm not even engaged yet but the thought popped into my head that some of my friends were either geniouses or brats. The vacation website might be a tactful loophole, no? That way people feel like they're buying you a gift, and you're not asking outright for cold hard cash. I also agree that there is a vast difference in the types of couples that are getting married these days, and that some could use Macy's Cellar and some have been there done that. How do the established couples do it?
I don't think that the couple has no say in what theyre given, but they should be gracious for everything. Most people would rather see their gifts go to good use, rather than returned. I try to do something from couple's registries whenever possible.
And maybe its just because I come from a big Irish family, and am being married into a big Italian family, but I would never go to a couples wedding without bringing, or sending them a gift within a year. But that's just me!

Thanks guys! Awesome thread!
Colleen

 

[canadiangrrl]

Tacky. In all shapes and forms. Sorry.

 

[AtlantaC]

The funny thing about those websites like honeyluna, etc. is that they
a) charge the couple a setup fee
b) charge the givers a service fee or
c)all of the above.

The whole thing is much more efficient if the money is given or sent to the couple rather than passing it through some middle man.

It's all in how you handle it. As long as people know how to suggest what to give you if someone asks, and you're gracious in your acceptance of whatever it is you are given, everyone wins.

I think it's a nice touch to send a thank you card with a brief, personal note about how you were able to use the money. Ex. "Your gift allowed us to have a relaxing massage at the resort. Thank you so much!"

 

[Nicrez]

I am not sure it's just Italian, but I have been to a few weddings, where the bride has a specific bag that carries the wedding money for the Honeymoon or whatever. I have even seen them go from table to table, but that was a tacky wedding if I ever saw one.

As I see it, you spend so much on a wedding. You won't get your money back. If you do, you shold consider politics. Your honeymoon and your wedding should be paid for with your hard earned money with no wish to get any of it back in cash or whatever.

Too many people invite people to get good gifts, and THAT is when a wedding loses it's sincerity and charm. So if you are really close to those 300 people, and none of them gave you money, should you care, no...but if it's in your culture, make sure everyone at the wedding is of the same culture, or prepare to be considered tacky by a lot of those people...

 

[jackieblue]

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On 4/5/2004 5:22:25 PM AtlantaC wrote:

I agree that it's not a clear cut issue as it once was. When young couples really are just starting out, or couples are filling up a home, those store registries are a huge help. However, many couples, like my fiancee and I, have already been together for a while and on our own for quite some time. That means such couples probably already have all the linens, dishes, knives, pots, pans, crock-pots, blenders, toasters and little candle holders they need.
----------------

This is why we didn't register anywhere. We are older and already had at least 2 (sometimes 3) of everything. Many folks gave us Home Depot gift cards, some gave gift certificates from various places, many gave cash, and some gave gifts. A few of the gifts ended up getting donated, but it really seemed as if we would have received gifts like this whether we registered or not. Some people even got creative...we got a satellite radio from a cousin. The money was great and much appreciated, but we never would have asked for it.

 

[nikki]

It is tacky to ask for money for your honeymoon. But i know with the travel agency that i am using to book my honeymoon they give you cards to send with your shower invitations (like the other places you register do). And what people can do instead of buying you a gift off your regular registry is put money towards your honeymoon. I think this is a great idea and i am planning on using it!

 

[fuffi]

I have the ultimate in tacky stories to share. I received an E-vite wedding invitation a couple of years back. As if that weren't tacky enough, the last sentence on the invite was "make checks payable to ....". Needless to say, I didn't attend.

 

[Nicrez]

I may be a broken record, but I realize a lot of people find weddings to be expensive and honeymoons too. I really hope the "money towards your honeymoon" means that you have more than enough to cover that, a wedding and still have savings in the bank, and you would like extra spending money...

If you can't afford a fancy wedding or honeymoon, please don't get into debt over it. One wedding I went to (with the woman who carried the bridal money bag) the bride was saying how it was going to be hard to afford their Mexican Riviera honeymoon and it was so nice of people to contribute.

HELLO?! Don't go to the Mexican Riviera if YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY!!! *sigh*

Why does everyone live in the moment and try to make every moment so spectacular and better than the Joneses when they can't afford to? I am starting to save for our honeymoon NOW in 2006.

We want something awesome and awesome isn't cheap. But I sure as heck won't rely on anyone's money to give me what I want. If my hubby-to-be and I can't afford it, we'll just have to be happy in each other's company is a great place and not in a FABULOUS place.

But that's just my usual $.04...

 

[AGBF]

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On 4/5/2004 1:12:33 AM cmcwill wrote:

Is it tacky to have some sort of 'honeymoon fund' either on your registry or mentioned on your knot website or something similiar?


Colleen----------------

Well...others have already said it but since there has been dissent (in my opinion that there has been dissent is in itself unfathomable): yes. That doesn't mean that GIVING money is tacky or that ethnic customs such as a money dance are tacky. It is REGISTERING for money (and money towards a specific goal, the honeymoon, no less) that is tacky. A gift is supposed o be chosen by the giver. Giving people some ideas on gifts (a registry) has become acceptable. Going any farther is impolite.

Miss Manners...I mean,

 

[AGBF]

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On 4/23/2004 4:12:46 PM Nicrez wrote:

"I am starting to save for our honeymoon NOW in 2006."





Not bad, but I won't be impressed until I hear that you have started the college funds for your offspring .

Deb

 

[Nicrez]

Deb has a VERY good point. The ASKING is what is sort of icky...

Be impressed when I start trust for each child commencing with $5K-$10K at their birth. Each birthday I will deposit $1K+ (depending on how well we can save).

Now don't get scared, but I already have the mock up papers in a file, because this is what my wealthy boss did for every single family member and if I can learn at least ONE thing from the wealthy, it's how to shelter my money so it can be given in it's highest form to those in my family...

I also have a 401K where I have been contributing since I was 19 at 15% every year. My fiance will SOON be starting his, thanks to his aggressively anal wife-to-be...

 

[AGBF]

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On 4/23/2004 5:07:31 PM Nicrez wrote:



Be impressed when I start trust for each child commencing with $5K-$10K at their birth. Each birthday I will deposit $1K+ (depending on how well we can save).


Now don't get scared, but I already have the mock up papers in a file, because this is what my wealthy boss did for every single family member and if I can learn at least ONE thing from the wealthy, it's how to shelter my money so it can be given in it's highest form to those in my family...


I also have a 401K where I have been contributing since I was 19 at 15% every year. My fiance will SOON be starting his, thanks to his aggressively anal wife-to-be...

----------------

OK, OK...I cry, "Uncle". You win. You *are* the quintessential saver!

Deb

 

[aljdewey]

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On 4/6/2004 12:59:57 PM jackieblue wrote:

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On 4/5/2004 5:22:25 PM AtlantaC wrote:





However, many couples, like my fiancee and I, have already been together for a while and on our own for quite some time. That means such couples probably already have all the linens, dishes, knives, pots, pans, crock-pots, blenders, toasters and little candle holders they need.
----------------

This is why we didn't register anywhere. We are older and already had at least 2 (sometimes 3) of everything.

----------------

This is SOOO true, and we ran into this problem, too. FI and I both work at the same company, and we have been asked 3-4 times to give registry information. I explained to one of the women that we TRULY don't want for anything in the house....heck, we barely have room now to store the stuff we have. We have more sheets/towels than a darn hotel, and we actually *threw out* more than half of Rich's house when we moved in over a year ago.

We don't yet own a house, but are planning to purchase in the next year, so we too thought that Home Depot gift cards or gift cards to the car service (to get to the airport) were great ideas.

I'd gently point out, Nicrez, that suggesting gift cards for honeymoon activities doesn't imply that folks don't already have financial provisions in place for the honeymoon. I think that sometimes honeymoon suggestions arise because 1) it's a special time, and 2) it's something people will use and appreciate. I often ask about honeymoon plans when gifting for others. Why? I'm delighted to give a gift, but I don't really want to spend money on a gift that collects dust in someone's closet. I want them to use and enjoy it....then it's money well spent. To me, the honeymoon is a perfect time to make some unique memories. Heck, AMEX travelers checks might allow someone to splurge on a really good bottle of champagne that they wouldn't otherwise.

Co-workers asked where we are going and asked for names of restaurants we might like to eat at while we are honeymooning.....so we gladly gave them that information even though we have budgeted generously for our honeymoon.

 

[fire&ice]

...just an FYI, be careful about giftcards. They can have some pretty nasty consequences if not used with in the time period. Complete forfiet or a surcharge of 10-25%.

 

[AtlantaC]

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On 4/23/2004 8:49:22 PM aljdewey wrote:

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On 4/6/2004 12:59:57 PM jackieblue wrote:




I'm delighted to give a gift, but I don't really want to spend money on a gift that collects dust in someone's closet. I want them to use and enjoy it....then it's money well spent.
----------------

Thank goodness there's someone else out there who feels that way...a giver rather than a judge. I was beginning to wonder.

If someone had a gift to give that they thought was just perfect or had special meaning to them already, they wouldn't be asking people where the couple is registered. The simple act of asking for registry info is like saying, "We'd like to give them something they need/want/can use." If you don't care, or as I said if you've already settled on something meaningful, special or even your customary gift, then you don't ask.

"Well, the couple didn't really register for anything since they're planning to move away. We're just going to give them money to help out." --- Wha?!! Money! The nerve!

"Well, the couple is registered at Tiffany's." --- Wha?!! The nerve!

"Well, they registered at Target." --- Wha?!!! They think I'm cheap? The nerve!

My problem is with this vitriol over the answer to the question asked and judging the qualities of the person who answered it. Despite the answer, the asker is still a human being with free will and there are still a whole range of options available to them. They just get what THEY want or give nothing and come support the couple anyway. A gift, whatever it is, is not like paying for a ticket to the wedding. There won't be a bouncer at the door to collect gifts and allow entry. If someone feels that awful about the occasion, they should stay home.

From what I've read in this thread, there seems to be this intricate maze full of hurt-feeling pitfalls, you-bad-person dead-ends, and never-speak-to-you-again traps laid out for a couple. That couple might've thought they were inviting friends and loved ones to share in a special occasion with them rather than inviting a pack of vipers to a rodent roundup. Apparently, there's a kind of sick, unholy pressure put on these couples by some of their guests. Do these people put the same pressure on a friend who has a birthday party? Must he or she walk the same delicate tight-rope? If Little Johnny is asked what he wants for his birthday, should he be trained to answer with a variety of items ranging from $1-100 so everyone feels comfortable? If someone has a specific list of things that will satisfy THEM and make THEM happy when they are invited to someone else's special event, I would politely submit that everyone would ultimately be happier if THEY stayed home.

We're talking about people's relationships with people. If the rules for having a relationship with someone like that are so prescriptive, perhaps the perfect gift would be a rulebook.

 

[Nicrez]

Atlantic, I guess since she asked if it was tacky, and posted it for everyone to opine about, we all did.

Not everyone has the same standards, as my friend who recently had her birthday party registered at Williams & Sonoma or Tiffany's, I consider it tacky. She's very wealthy and has everything she could possibly want, and I think if people even bring a gift, that's nice. Obviously, people are pressured to get things they normally would not have, just to feel comfortable... (many will think this is OK, I think it's irritating)

We all have opinions, and we mention it. Do we molly-coddle when people ask a question, no. Should we? I don't think so. I think if you can't handle the answers you will receive, don't ask the question, just do it.

Colleen, asked a question, got varying responses, and basically the ball's in her court. No guns to her head, no feelings of guilt. As I see it, no one makes you feel guilty without your own help with that.

So, I personally think wearing a PINK wedding gown is tacky, but I saw it this weekend on some bride, and God help me it didn't look too bad. So tacky is up to the person. We're just here to give our opinions and I am still saying I think it's tacky to ASK for a gift so specifically, but it isn't MY wedding in the pink wedding dress is it?!

 

[AtlantaC]

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On 4/27/2004 7:49:16 PM Nicrez wrote:



We all have opinions, and we mention it. Do we molly-coddle when people ask a question, no. Should we? I don't think so. I think if you can't handle the answers you will receive, don't ask the question, just do it.

We're just here to give our opinions and I am still saying I think it's tacky to ASK for a gift so specifically, but it isn't MY wedding in the pink wedding dress is it?!

----------------

Absolutely. We both made the same point in different contexts...but the same point nonetheless. If you can't handle the answer, don't ask the question (Is giving money ok? Where are you registered?). I couldn't agree more.

And right on about the opinions. That's what I'm doing as well, and I certainly don't mean to imply that someone else isn't entitled to their own.

Oh, and for my money, a pink wedding dress isn't tacky...it's just an unusual way to advertise Pepto.

 

[Nicrez]

Funny, I just read an online article regarding giving gifts at weddings, and how one woman is moving and needs nothing, but would prefer gift certificates for when she and her husband finallyhave settled in, and how they don't know what to put on the registry until they actually move.

Gift certificates was said to be "against most ettiquette" but the person absolutely advocated doing it with a few stores, and basically encouraged the person to even put down items to her best ability she MAY want, and if not, she can always exchange them, as many registries allow.

Atlantic, the Pepto dress was a riot. My fiancee thought it was beyond tacky, but luckily, the dress was a very pale pink, but still very noticeably PINK...LOL!!

 

[cmcwill]

Haha, honestly I just started this as a topic of interest, I had no intention of doing this myself Nic, but rather trying to see what people thought of this 'phenomenon.' So there are definitely no guns pointed this way!

I just think its interesting how etiquette evolves over time, and what is on the brink of acceptibility one year, becomes commonplace the next.
Its also interesting (for me at least) to read how strong some people's opinions are, because I honestly didn't have an opinion on this when I started the thread. Its all been informative and humorous to read!

Colleen

 

[Nicrez]

Well I think you can notice a few things with your thread and others like it:

1) Many people want to uphold traditions as a way of holding onto something they think is worthwhile or nostalgic.

2) Many people want to make NEW traditions, and do away with old ones, as they view them to be restrictive and outdated (sometimes even offensive as they have roots in negative things to them)

3) Opinions are like mouths, everyone has one. Some people are more vocal on some things, or more obstinant on some views, as everyone makes a stand on SOMETHING, so we all pick and choose our little pets...

4) Some people just like to argue and play devil's advocate, as it can be a thoroughly fun and interesting way to get a point across or to clairfy a point(s)...

5) Truth be told, the only person who should care about your wedding details enough to change them is YOU, as every other person there is supposed to be a positive extra. Two people are getting married, the Bride and the Groom, no one else is important, and even the gifts or bridesmaids should be moot.

6) We live in a very real and changing world where our customs, and manners evolve, just like we do. The mixing of cultures and generations makes this more marked, and will continue to do so, as we change and modify traditions for our own new ones. Our kids will go even farther than us in this respect.

7) The only thing that can be considered tacky is the Macarena at a wedding... I believe that's in the Bible, next to gay marriages and SI-1 diamonds being "impure"...

 

[hoorray]

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On 4/30/2004 4:26:18 PM Nicrez wrote:


1) Many people want to uphold traditions as a way of holding onto something they think is worthwhile or nostalgic.

2) Many people want to make NEW traditions, and do away with old ones, as they view them to be restrictive and outdated (sometimes even offensive as they have roots in negative things to them)

3) Opinions are like mouths, everyone has one. Some people are more vocal on some things, or more obstinant on some views, as everyone makes a stand on SOMETHING, so we all pick and choose our little pets...

4) Some people just like to argue and play devil's advocate, as it can be a thoroughly fun and interesting way to get a point across or to clairfy a point(s)...

]----------------

Agreed! I was the first of my sisters to get married (much to the relief of my mother

), I tried soo hard to have the wedding that made everyone happy.....(unwed older sister, mother worried about the first marriage of her soon-to-be her spinster daughters etc.

)

Thus, I made trade offs worrying about whether someone else would worry or have an opinion about it. First thing I realized when it was all done with was how stupid that was. Luckily, I had some common sense, and it wasn't over the big things...

It's your day...it's all about the 2 of you. Celebrate that and forget the rest. If keeping with the traditions are part of making you happy, then go for it. If you are keeping to them for others' sake, think hard about that.

 

[foundnemo]

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On 4/30/2004 4:26:18 PM Nicrez wrote:



7) The only thing that can be considered tacky is the Macarena at a wedding... I believe that's in the Bible, next to gay marriages and SI-1 diamonds being 'impure'...

----------------

No way! We went to a wedding and had a blast when everyone was having fun dancing, especially to the Macarena!

To the OP, I think requesting and/or demanding any gift is in itself tacky. So yes, it is tacky to ask for money.

Personally, I think my wedding will be a big party where I invite people to come and celebrate with us. I will only invite people for whom I will gladly pay $100-$150 per plate for what I think (and hope) will be a once-in-a-lifetime event. Any gift that we get will be the extra surprise, but we will not be expecting anything.