Is it ok to ask one''s SO to lose weight or work out so that you''re more attracted?

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 3/20/2009 10:36:02 AM
Author: Thomperchik

This is a very sensitive issue for me. I don''t think it is ever a good idea to ask your significant other to loose weight/get toned unless they brign it up!

For men it might be different, but it is never, ever a good idea to ask a woman to lose weight!

I don''t want to thread-jack, but I received this email from my ex last week, and this is one of the reasons why I don''t think it''s a good idea to ever bring weight up, unless your SO does it first...


-----Original Message-----
From: Jerk
Sent: Friday, March 13, 2009 7:31 AM
To: Thomperchik
Subject: hey

So, I feel like I should get this off my chest. I didn''t want to break up because I didn''t love you. You''re amazing, I loved ya. I had talked with my friend Justin, and he was telling me about how his wife had really let herself go after they got married. Quit wanting to work, sat around the house, gained a bunch of weight, and he was just miserable. I kept telling myself that wouldn''t be us, but I guess I really psyched myself out. I loved you too much to tell you I noticed you had gained weight when i saw you (I know I had too), so rather than talk about that fear I just kept it inside. Everytime I talked to Justin, he sounded so miserable. I guess I got scared about that, and I didn''t know how to talk to you about it. It''s really such a shallow topic, you were about to be my wife, the last thing I wanted to say is baby please don''t get fat or lose your motivation.

Anyways, I am sorry for texting you last night, I just really miss you sometimes. I hope you are doin alright, if you ever have time to write and let me know what''s goin on with you I would love to hear

Oh my.

While I''m shocked that some guy had the balls to even write this, at least he was honest and saved you from staying with him!

I don''t think it''s okay to come right out and say "hey, you''re getting too fat!" but I do think that there are certain expectations of one''s SO. Both me and my DH haved gained a bit over the years, but if I went from where I am now to a huge fat person he would not be happy, and vice versa for me. Geez, we sound so shallow but it''s the truth. I also think it''s different for men and women though. It''s socially okay for a man to be overweight but not a woman

I think maybe a better approach would be to make it a joint effort. After I had a baby DH and I both decided that we needed to make better lifestyle choices so our son grows up in a healthy environment. We''re both eating better and taking the time to exercise regularly.

 

[InLuv101]

Date: 3/20/2009 11:28:27 AM
Author: DivaDiamond007

Date: 3/20/2009 10:36:02 AM
Author: Thomperchik


This is a very sensitive issue for me. I don''t think it is ever a good idea to ask your significant other to loose weight/get toned unless they brign it up!

For men it might be different, but it is never, ever a good idea to ask a woman to lose weight!

I don''t want to thread-jack, but I received this email from my ex last week, and this is one of the reasons why I don''t think it''s a good idea to ever bring weight up, unless your SO does it first...


-----Original Message-----
From: Jerk
Sent: Friday, March 13, 2009 7:31 AM
To: Thomperchik
Subject: hey

So, I feel like I should get this off my chest. I didn''t want to break up because I didn''t love you. You''re amazing, I loved ya. I had talked with my friend Justin, and he was telling me about how his wife had really let herself go after they got married. Quit wanting to work, sat around the house, gained a bunch of weight, and he was just miserable. I kept telling myself that wouldn''t be us, but I guess I really psyched myself out. I loved you too much to tell you I noticed you had gained weight when i saw you (I know I had too), so rather than talk about that fear I just kept it inside. Everytime I talked to Justin, he sounded so miserable. I guess I got scared about that, and I didn''t know how to talk to you about it. It''s really such a shallow topic, you were about to be my wife, the last thing I wanted to say is baby please don''t get fat or lose your motivation.

Anyways, I am sorry for texting you last night, I just really miss you sometimes. I hope you are doin alright, if you ever have time to write and let me know what''s goin on with you I would love to hear

Oh my.

While I''m shocked that some guy had the balls to even write this, at least he was honest and saved you from staying with him!

I don''t think it''s okay to come right out and say ''hey, you''re getting too fat!'' but I do think that there are certain expectations of one''s SO. Both me and my DH haved gained a bit over the years, but if I went from where I am now to a huge fat person he would not be happy, and vice versa for me. Geez, we sound so shallow but it''s the truth. I also think it''s different for men and women though. It''s socially okay for a man to be overweight but not a woman

I think maybe a better approach would be to make it a joint effort. After I had a baby DH and I both decided that we needed to make better lifestyle choices so our son grows up in a healthy environment. We''re both eating better and taking the time to exercise regularly.

I agree with the highlighted part above. I like to stay in shape for myself as well as my husband and he for me. Granted we are young (me-26, him-31) but if I ever notice I''ve put on a few I try to make changes and adjust some things and he does the same. I would not love him any less if he gained weight, but I''m glad we both try to maintain our bodies for health reasons and for maximum sexiness

.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 3/20/2009 10:43:45 AM
Author: elledizzy5
I love my SO no matter what, and I think he''s attractive no matter what. I honestly don''t find him more/less attractive based on how ''Fit'' he is.

He will not always be as fit as he is now, and I couldn''t care less.

If it got to the point where his health was at risk, obviously we''d work together to get healthy.

If he told me he was less attracted to me because I put on 10 pounds, I would be CRUSHED. I mean that. CRUSHED. Call me sensitive/insecure/whatever you want, but I don''t know if I''d recover from that.

Well said, elledizzy5! That''s EXACTLY how I feel.

Both mine and my SO''s weight has fluctuated in the years we''ve been together. Sure, I notice it but it never affects my level of attraction for him. That''s just strange to me.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

Hey I wanted to let you know a little example of something like this happening to me-

Me and my BF moved in together in August. I always played sports in highschool, but now I''m a junior in college, so I work out A LOT less and a LOT less extreme. So when we moved in, we didn''t really do a lot of "stuff" in the bedroom, and I was really concerned. Turns out he made a HUGE mistake of blaming it on my weight, which has changed since high school not DRASTICALLY but by about 30 pounds.

I WAS CRUSHED

This was honestly all I could think about for months. I brought up in every fight we had, every time we were going to get intimate, I couldn''t put it out of my head. We talked about it all the time. Now, this did make me want to lose weight, and I have lost almost 25 pounds since january, but still really? It took me MONTHS and MONTHS to get over it and it not only hurt my feelings REALLY bad, but it hurt my confidence (which I never really ever lacked, regardless of weight).

SO- I guess the point of my story is REALLY think about the reasons why you would EVER mention it to someone if it is an issue that really is a shallow issue with someone? Weight is more or less a superficial quality about someone.

ETA! Me and my BF are fine, and we did talk it through and got over it, but let me tell you it was NOT easy.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I think honestly, everyone has different thresholds for how much of comments like this they can take from someone else. Mine, personally, is a big fat (no pun intended

) ZERO, especially from my SO. I spent most of the first part of my life with EVERYONE (kids at school, ballet teachers, parents, everyone) commenting on my weight, and not in a nice way. I struggled with it for years and I know it will always be a struggle.

So for me, I''m way harder on myself when I get out of shape than my DH could ever be, and he understands this and he found me sexy even when I was 45 lbs heavier than I am now. That said, he did encourage me when I wanted to lose weight and is supportive of my being healthy and active, and I try to do the same for him.

 

[AdiS]

Well, there are certainly 2 valid points of view here:

1)It''s never ok to tell your SO "I''ll like you more if you loose some weght."
2)It''s never ok to let yourself go and stop taking care of yourself. It may be shallow, in fact, it is shallow, but we love with our eyes almost as much as we do with our hearts. Personally, I want to stay in shape. DH shares my opinion. Age, baldness, or God forbid, a serious injury or illness are things that are out of our control. Overweight due to your lifestyle/neglected appearance are not.

 

[DiamondFlame]

Here''s a guy''s take. Would a woman feel ok if her spouse were to tell her, "I''d find you totally hot if only you have bigger boobs (or flatter tummy/firmer ass, etc.) "??

Yeah. That''s what I thought.

But there''s always a better, nicer way of putting in the suggestion to tone up/lose weight...

 

[kama_s]

If you dont find him attractive now because he doesn''t have a hard body, try picturing him saggy with arthritis when he''s 80. When you love someone, you love them for their love handles and their sagging body parts.

I have a hormonal issue that''s made me gain over 30lbs in two years. I think I had gained around 10 of those lbs while I was in my previous relationship - and my ex mentioned to me how all his friends were talking about my weight gain (seriously?) and how he thought I need to lose them asap. Um, no. He''s a bloody MD...he knows why I gained that weight. Anyways, I dropped him like he''s hot (there were more issues than just this, he was just a vain pig).

And then I gained 20 more and met Mr. Kama, who loves me for all I am! But here''s the thing, I dont eat unhealthy - I am SO big on healthy options and small portions, I dont eat fast food EVER, rarely ever fried food, tons of fruits and veggies and try to limit processed carbs. And I have BUNDLES of energy....I work out 3-5x/week...but I still cant shed any of those lbs. Does Mr. Kama care? No. He loves my muffin top

I''m healthy and active, and that''s what matters to him.

Thomperchik: I can''t believe he said that. Glad he''s the EX. That guy''s not worth your time.

 

[InLuv101]

Date: 3/20/2009 12:04:02 PM
Author: AdiS
Well, there are certainly 2 valid points of view here:

1)It's never ok to tell your SO 'I'll like you more if you loose some weght.'
2)It's never ok to let yourself go and stop taking care of yourself. It may be shallow, in fact, it is shallow, but we love with our eyes almost as much as we do with our hearts. Personally, I want to stay in shape. DH shares my opinion. Age, baldness, or God forbid, a serious injury or illness are things that are out of our control. Overweight due to your lifestyle/neglected appearance are not.

ditto

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 3/20/2009 12:12:56 PM
Author: DiamondFlame
Here''s a guy''s take. Would a woman feel ok if her spouse were to tell her, ''I''d find you totally hot if only you have bigger boobs (or flatter tummy/firmer ass, etc.) ''??

Yeah. That''s what I thought.

But there''s always a better, nicer way of putting in the suggestion to tone up/lose weight...

Totally disagree with that. That is NEVER appropriate.

Women cannot help their breast size with hard work and motivation. Smaller breast size is not a result of being lazy or unmotivated.

Weight, on the other hand, CAN be attributed to that. Obviously there can be medical factors at play here, but in general, most people CAN lose weight with exercise and diet.

Believe me, if boobies got bigger with hard work, you''d bet your @$$ I''d be in the gym every day.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 3/20/2009 12:04:02 PM
Author: AdiS
Well, there are certainly 2 valid points of view here:

1)It''s never ok to tell your SO ''I''ll like you more if you loose some weght.''
2)It''s never ok to let yourself go and stop taking care of yourself. It may be shallow, in fact, it is shallow, but we love with our eyes almost as much as we do with our hearts. Personally, I want to stay in shape. DH shares my opinion. Age, baldness, or God forbid, a serious injury or illness are things that are out of our control. Overweight due to your lifestyle/neglected appearance are not.

That''s where I''d have to disagree, at least for me personally. I think it all depends where your priorities are.

I think my SO is gorgeous but he gets more and more gorgeous each day because of the intelligent, ambitious, funny person he is, regardless of his weight or physical appearance.

 

[justjulia]

I bought a nice treadmill and suggested we both use it. It''s working.

No club fees, no chasing dogs, can watch tv while doing, no brainer.

 

[mrscushion]

It''s never ok IMO to ask your SO to lose weight so s/he''s more attractive. If you think that perhaps your SO could use a little more exercise, I would do as some of the posters above have suggested and exercise more together. I certainly could always use more exercise myself.

 

[Bia]

Only if it is affecting their health.

If you want to motivate your SO to get healthy or lose weight then you have to speak with actions, not words or judgment. If you think he''s a couch potato, then encourage him to get ouside, or go to the gym with you. Haivng a healthier lifestyle is important if it''s important to you...but you can''t make someone do it if they don''t want to.

I never had that healthy outlook. I have always been fairly fit because I am very active, and as a kid I was involved in dance and sports. My FI grew up in a very health-conscious home. He was an active martial artist and skateboarder. He also grew up eating a mostly organic/vegetarian (w/ fish) diet. Now he does eat meat once or twice a month--I turned him into a carnivore LOL.

When I first met him, I hated everything he ate. I hated veggies, I hate whole wheat bread...you name it, I turned my nose up. But he knew that leading by example was important. So he slowly started incorporating things that were healthy into my diet. And now I eat just like him, with exception to a few things that he won''t touch (like Coca Cola

).

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 3/20/2009 12:46:40 PM
Author: Bia
Only if it is affecting their health.

If you want to motivate your SO to get healthy or lose weight then you have to speak with actions, not words or judgment. If you think he''s a couch potato, then encourage him to get ouside, or go to the gym with you. Haivng a healthier lifestyle is important if it''s important to you...but you can''t make someone do it if they don''t want to.

I never had that healthy outlook. I have always been fairly fit because I am very active, and as a kid I was involved in dance and sports. My FI grew up in a very health-conscious home. He was an active martial artist and skateboarder. He also grew up eating a mostly organic/vegetarian (w/ fish) diet. Now he does eat meat once or twice a month--I turned him into a carnivore LOL.

When I first met him, I hated everything he ate. I hated veggies, I hate whole wheat bread...you name it, I turned my nose up. But he knew that leading by example was important. So he slowly started incorporating things that were healthy into my diet. And now I eat just like him, with exception to a few things that he won''t touch (like Coca Cola

).

Ahh... Bia. A girl after my own heart.

That''s the one vice that I CANNOT give up. I''m addicted.

 

[Bia]

Date: 3/20/2009 12:48:24 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 3/20/2009 12:46:40 PM
Author: Bia
Only if it is affecting their health.

If you want to motivate your SO to get healthy or lose weight then you have to speak with actions, not words or judgment. If you think he''s a couch potato, then encourage him to get ouside, or go to the gym with you. Haivng a healthier lifestyle is important if it''s important to you...but you can''t make someone do it if they don''t want to.

I never had that healthy outlook. I have always been fairly fit because I am very active, and as a kid I was involved in dance and sports. My FI grew up in a very health-conscious home. He was an active martial artist and skateboarder. He also grew up eating a mostly organic/vegetarian (w/ fish) diet. Now he does eat meat once or twice a month--I turned him into a carnivore LOL.

When I first met him, I hated everything he ate. I hated veggies, I hate whole wheat bread...you name it, I turned my nose up. But he knew that leading by example was important. So he slowly started incorporating things that were healthy into my diet. And now I eat just like him, with exception to a few things that he won''t touch (like Coca Cola

).

Ahh... Bia. A girl after my own heart.

That''s the one vice that I CANNOT give up. I''m addicted.

hehehe. I asked FI to grab a pair of my shoes out of my closet last night and guess what he found instead? A bottle of coke! I forgot I stashed it.

He just rolled his eyes and said, "You maniac. You don''t have to hide your coke addiction babe."

 

[AdiS]

Date: 3/20/2009 12:34:31 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 3/20/2009 12:04:02 PM
Author: AdiS
Well, there are certainly 2 valid points of view here:

1)It''s never ok to tell your SO ''I''ll like you more if you loose some weght.''
2)It''s never ok to let yourself go and stop taking care of yourself. It may be shallow, in fact, it is shallow, but we love with our eyes almost as much as we do with our hearts. Personally, I want to stay in shape. DH shares my opinion. Age, baldness, or God forbid, a serious injury or illness are things that are out of our control. Overweight due to your lifestyle/neglected appearance are not.

That''s where I''d have to disagree, at least for me personally. I think it all depends where your priorities are.

I think my SO is gorgeous but he gets more and more gorgeous each day because of the intelligent, ambitious, funny person he is, regardless of his weight or physical appearance.

My hubby says he loves me because I''m intelligent, independent, because I''m always ready to listen and give him reasonable advice, because I never give up and despair. And I feel proud and treasured and appreciated. I feel loved. But I also know that look in his eyes when I''m wearing a gorgeous new dress, when I have a great new haircut or just put that little extra effort to make myself pretty for him. I feel the most beautiful woman in the world. Let''s call it a wrong priority then but the truth is, it makes me happy.

 

[Sha]

I don't see anything wrong with it. I think physical attractiveness is important to most couples - it's probably one of the reasons most of us got with your SO's in the first place (because we were attracted to them), and it's probably one of those things that helps to sustain the physical intimacy/chemistry in marriage. It's not that other things lke personality and values aren't important... they are....but so is feeling attracted to your spouse.

Men are very visual - but so are women, although perhaps to a lesser extent.

If you feel like his weight might be hindering how attracted you are to him - and his weight is due to a lack of physical activity/poor eating habits, AND it's reasonably possible for him to adjust that (e.g no medical or work issues) then I don't see any problems with gently suggesting it. For my part - I hope to keep myself attractive,both for myself and my spouse, and I would expect the same thing from him - as long as it's reasonably possible.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 3/20/2009 12:57:59 PM
Author: AdiS

Date: 3/20/2009 12:34:31 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 3/20/2009 12:04:02 PM
Author: AdiS
Well, there are certainly 2 valid points of view here:

1)It''s never ok to tell your SO ''I''ll like you more if you loose some weght.''
2)It''s never ok to let yourself go and stop taking care of yourself. It may be shallow, in fact, it is shallow, but we love with our eyes almost as much as we do with our hearts. Personally, I want to stay in shape. DH shares my opinion. Age, baldness, or God forbid, a serious injury or illness are things that are out of our control. Overweight due to your lifestyle/neglected appearance are not.

That''s where I''d have to disagree, at least for me personally. I think it all depends where your priorities are.

I think my SO is gorgeous but he gets more and more gorgeous each day because of the intelligent, ambitious, funny person he is, regardless of his weight or physical appearance.

My hubby says he loves me because I''m intelligent, independent, because I''m always ready to listen and give him reasonable advice, because I never give up and despair. And I feel proud and treasured and appreciated. I feel loved. But I also know that look in his eyes when I''m wearing a gorgeous new dress, when I have a great new haircut or just put that little extra effort to make myself pretty for him. I feel the most beautiful woman in the world. Let''s call it a wrong priority then but the truth is, it makes me happy.

AdiS, sorry if I came off judgey...not trying to say you have the wrong priorities. I''m glad your hubby thinks all those wonderful things about you.

My point was that my SO gets the same look in his eye and it''s not because it''s a size 8 in the dress verses a size 10 but rather because it is ME in that dress. Everybody loves to feel beautiful or sexy. For me, my SO makes me feel gorgeous even when I feel the worst about my own appearance and that''s one of the things I love about him!

 

[Bia]

Date: 3/20/2009 12:57:59 PM
Author: AdiS
My hubby says he loves me because I''m intelligent, independent, because I''m always ready to listen and give him reasonable advice, because I never give up and despair. And I feel proud and treasured and appreciated. I feel loved. But I also know that look in his eyes when I''m wearing a gorgeous new dress, when I have a great new haircut or just put that little extra effort to make myself pretty for him. I feel the most beautiful woman in the world. Let''s call it a wrong priority then but the truth is, it makes me happy.

I don''t think it''s the wrong priority at all.

Taking care of yourself is important, IF it''s important to you and the person that loves you. I know that staying active and on top of myself is important to my FI because that''s something that he loves about me. If I were to get heavy, I don''t think that being heavy would have an effect on him so much as how it made me feel about myself that would have an effect on him. When I feel sexy, I act sexy and that makes us a more sexy couple as a whole. Just like, for arguments sake, him sitting on the couch all day, no longer playing music or being active would have an effect on me because those are things that made me fall in love with him. The physical can be very important too because A LOT of times it''s more about how it makes you feel than how you look.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 3/20/2009 1:13:26 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 3/20/2009 12:57:59 PM
Author: AdiS
My hubby says he loves me because I''m intelligent, independent, because I''m always ready to listen and give him reasonable advice, because I never give up and despair. And I feel proud and treasured and appreciated. I feel loved. But I also know that look in his eyes when I''m wearing a gorgeous new dress, when I have a great new haircut or just put that little extra effort to make myself pretty for him. I feel the most beautiful woman in the world. Let''s call it a wrong priority then but the truth is, it makes me happy.

I don''t think it''s the wrong priority at all.

Taking care of yourself is important, IF it''s important to you and the person that loves you. I know that staying active and on top of myself is important to my FI because that''s something that he loves about me. If I were to get heavy, I don''t think that being heavy would have an effect on him so much as how it made me feel about myself that would have an effect on him. When I feel sexy, I act sexy and that makes us a more sexy couple as a whole. Just like, for arguments sake, him sitting on the couch all day, no longer playing music or being active would have an effect on me because those are things that made me fall in love with him. The physical can be very important too because A LOT of times it''s more about how it makes you feel than how you look.

Couldn''t agree more!

 

[AdiS]

Date: 3/20/2009 1:07:47 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 3/20/2009 12:57:59 PM
Author: AdiS

Date: 3/20/2009 12:34:31 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 3/20/2009 12:04:02 PM
Author: AdiS
Well, there are certainly 2 valid points of view here:

1)It''s never ok to tell your SO ''I''ll like you more if you loose some weght.''
2)It''s never ok to let yourself go and stop taking care of yourself. It may be shallow, in fact, it is shallow, but we love with our eyes almost as much as we do with our hearts. Personally, I want to stay in shape. DH shares my opinion. Age, baldness, or God forbid, a serious injury or illness are things that are out of our control. Overweight due to your lifestyle/neglected appearance are not.

That''s where I''d have to disagree, at least for me personally. I think it all depends where your priorities are.

I think my SO is gorgeous but he gets more and more gorgeous each day because of the intelligent, ambitious, funny person he is, regardless of his weight or physical appearance.

My hubby says he loves me because I''m intelligent, independent, because I''m always ready to listen and give him reasonable advice, because I never give up and despair. And I feel proud and treasured and appreciated. I feel loved. But I also know that look in his eyes when I''m wearing a gorgeous new dress, when I have a great new haircut or just put that little extra effort to make myself pretty for him. I feel the most beautiful woman in the world. Let''s call it a wrong priority then but the truth is, it makes me happy.

AdiS, sorry if I came off judgey...not trying to say you have the wrong priorities. I''m glad your hubby thinks all those wonderful things about you.

My point was that my SO gets the same look in his eye and it''s not because it''s a size 8 in the dress verses a size 10 but rather because it is ME in that dress. Everybody loves to feel beautiful or sexy. For me, my SO makes me feel gorgeous even when I feel the worst about my own appearance and that''s one of the things I love about him!

Then we can both thank our lucky stars we have such wonderful SOs who see us in the dress instead of looking for the label to check the size.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

Date: 3/20/2009 10:36:02 AM
Author: Thomperchik

This is a very sensitive issue for me. I don''t think it is ever a good idea to ask your significant other to loose weight/get toned unless they brign it up!

For men it might be different, but it is never, ever a good idea to ask a woman to lose weight!

I don''t want to thread-jack, but I received this email from my ex last week, and this is one of the reasons why I don''t think it''s a good idea to ever bring weight up, unless your SO does it first...


-----Original Message-----
From: Jerk
Sent: Friday, March 13, 2009 7:31 AM
To: Thomperchik
Subject: hey

So, I feel like I should get this off my chest. I didn''t want to break up because I didn''t love you. You''re amazing, I loved ya. I had talked with my friend Justin, and he was telling me about how his wife had really let herself go after they got married. Quit wanting to work, sat around the house, gained a bunch of weight, and he was just miserable. I kept telling myself that wouldn''t be us, but I guess I really psyched myself out. I loved you too much to tell you I noticed you had gained weight when i saw you (I know I had too), so rather than talk about that fear I just kept it inside. Everytime I talked to Justin, he sounded so miserable. I guess I got scared about that, and I didn''t know how to talk to you about it. It''s really such a shallow topic, you were about to be my wife, the last thing I wanted to say is baby please don''t get fat or lose your motivation.

Anyways, I am sorry for texting you last night, I just really miss you sometimes. I hope you are doin alright, if you ever have time to write and let me know what''s goin on with you I would love to hear

 

[DiamondFlame]

Date: 3/20/2009 1:13:26 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 3/20/2009 12:57:59 PM
Author: AdiS
My hubby says he loves me because I'm intelligent, independent, because I'm always ready to listen and give him reasonable advice, because I never give up and despair. And I feel proud and treasured and appreciated. I feel loved. But I also know that look in his eyes when I'm wearing a gorgeous new dress, when I have a great new haircut or just put that little extra effort to make myself pretty for him. I feel the most beautiful woman in the world. Let's call it a wrong priority then but the truth is, it makes me happy.

I don't think it's the wrong priority at all.

Taking care of yourself is important, IF it's important to you and the person that loves you. I know that staying active and on top of myself is important to my FI because that's something that he loves about me. If I were to get heavy, I don't think that being heavy would have an effect on him so much as how it made me feel about myself that would have an effect on him. When I feel sexy, I act sexy and that makes us a more sexy couple as a whole. Just like, for arguments sake, him sitting on the couch all day, no longer playing music or being active would have an effect on me because those are things that made me fall in love with him. The physical can be very important too because A LOT of times it's more about how it makes you feel than how you look.

Gotta agree with this. My SO finds it sexy when I'm working on a project... as opposed to behaving like a couch potato in front of the tv.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 3/20/2009 1:37:47 PM
Author: AdiS

Date: 3/20/2009 1:07:47 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 3/20/2009 12:57:59 PM
Author: AdiS

Date: 3/20/2009 12:34:31 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 3/20/2009 12:04:02 PM
Author: AdiS
Well, there are certainly 2 valid points of view here:

1)It''s never ok to tell your SO ''I''ll like you more if you loose some weght.''
2)It''s never ok to let yourself go and stop taking care of yourself. It may be shallow, in fact, it is shallow, but we love with our eyes almost as much as we do with our hearts. Personally, I want to stay in shape. DH shares my opinion. Age, baldness, or God forbid, a serious injury or illness are things that are out of our control. Overweight due to your lifestyle/neglected appearance are not.

That''s where I''d have to disagree, at least for me personally. I think it all depends where your priorities are.

I think my SO is gorgeous but he gets more and more gorgeous each day because of the intelligent, ambitious, funny person he is, regardless of his weight or physical appearance.

My hubby says he loves me because I''m intelligent, independent, because I''m always ready to listen and give him reasonable advice, because I never give up and despair. And I feel proud and treasured and appreciated. I feel loved. But I also know that look in his eyes when I''m wearing a gorgeous new dress, when I have a great new haircut or just put that little extra effort to make myself pretty for him. I feel the most beautiful woman in the world. Let''s call it a wrong priority then but the truth is, it makes me happy.

AdiS, sorry if I came off judgey...not trying to say you have the wrong priorities. I''m glad your hubby thinks all those wonderful things about you.

My point was that my SO gets the same look in his eye and it''s not because it''s a size 8 in the dress verses a size 10 but rather because it is ME in that dress. Everybody loves to feel beautiful or sexy. For me, my SO makes me feel gorgeous even when I feel the worst about my own appearance and that''s one of the things I love about him!

Then we can both thank our lucky stars we have such wonderful SOs who see us in the dress instead of looking for the label to check the size.

Indeed!

I was addressing the OPs original point of asking an SO to lose weight so you were more attracted to them -- not actually implying that anyone''s SO was looking at the size on a label.

 

[tlh]

Interesting question..........

If he''s grabbing his gut and walking around complaining about it all the time, I''d just say - stop whining and do something about it already.

If I were concerned about his weight, for health reasons - I''d say something. I know if my DH said, wow, you sure jiggle more than you used to... I''d be CRUSHED, angry, and probably starve myself while upping my workouts to an unhealthy level... so i guess it is all presentation.

I''ve have a friend who really let herself go after marriage. Her husband and his friend were talking and she overheard them. The friend said, your wife has really let herself go - you need to say something to her - and her DH said- what do I say... well this spawned a huge fight because he didn''t defend her - and say, no she''s not fat. Now, she not only gained some weight... in their first year of marriage she put on over 100 pounds. This is not something someone doesn''t notice. Trust me, she noticed the weight gain, esp when she could no longer shop at non-plus size department stores. You don''t have to make someone feel like complete dirt just because they are having a hard time with weight issues. But these are friends - not my DH. If this was my DH I would have said something after the first 20 pounds- as it is a lot easier to lose 20 pounds, than 100+...

That said, my Dh has the problem that he LOSES weight too easily. He''d look like the skinny guy from road trip if he didn''t work out. I don''t find that attractive at all. In fact one summer he lost 20-30 pounds - when he started running with me and stopped lifting weights.... and got to a point where an out of town guest (his friend) thought that he was using drugs - I just told him, I am not attracted to you - you need to gain weight... I''ve also told him if he gets that thin again, I will leave him. I am not serious... but it is wayyy gross.

We both weigh ourselves daily - if we find more than a water weight creep of 2-3 pounds me up, him down- we both actively work to maintain ourselves and our fitness. I find it is far better to nip it in the bud early... than to pile on the pounds and hope some extreme diet will work.

 

[pinkstars]

Date: 3/20/2009 8:59:46 AM
Author: Deelight
The only time I would ever say anything is if it were an issue of health because I care about him and I love hi, and then I would tread lightly and make it something we both did.

This is how my BF says things to me.
I''m definitely over weight and he is absolutely concerned about my health and I''m not sure if he brings it up when I gain some weight, but when he does he''s very gentle about it.
I appreciate that he can tell me that he''s concerned about me and he''s never hurtful or mean, just very caring.

 

[princesss]

Okay, as somebody who has been told I needed to change my body to be more attractive to my partner, no, it's not okay.

If you're not really attracted to him, why are you dating him? Honestly, physical attraction fades, but it sounds more like you're trying to force yourself into the relationship than you're in love with somebody that's put on a few pounds. If you can't honestly say there'd be an attraction there no matter what, I don't understand how dropping a few pounds will help. If you're not attracted to the *person*, the shell won't be enough to keep you committed.

I went through and read some of your posts about your BF, and it just sounds like you've never really been happy with him. Maybe this is just indicative of a bigger problem.

ETA: I wanted to add that some people, like tlh, seem to have a relationship where something like this is okay. But in general I tend to think if you have to ask people if it's okay, you don't have that kind of relationship.

 

[Efe]

I remember talking with a woman at work who had a five month old baby. She told me that her husband told her that he was not nearly as attracted to her because of the baby weight. She then told me that she was going to hire a trainer and get a new fitness routine. I suggested she get a new husband Seriously, I could not believe he would have been so insensitive. She handled it alot better than I would have.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 3/20/2009 6:43:41 PM
Author: princesss
Okay, as somebody who has been told I needed to change my body to be more attractive to my partner, no, it''s not okay.

If you''re not really attracted to him, why are you dating him? Honestly, physical attraction fades, but it sounds more like you''re trying to force yourself into the relationship than you''re in love with somebody that''s put on a few pounds. If you can''t honestly say there''d be an attraction there no matter what, I don''t understand how dropping a few pounds will help. If you''re not attracted to the *person*, the shell won''t be enough to keep you committed.

I went through and read some of your posts about your BF, and it just sounds like you''ve never really been happy with him. Maybe this is just indicative of a bigger problem.

ETA: I wanted to add that some people, like tlh, seem to have a relationship where something like this is okay. But in general I tend to think if you have to ask people if it''s okay, you don''t have that kind of relationship.

Ditto.

When I was in high school I had a boyfriend. We *dated* for almost 4 years. He was emotionally and psychologically abusive. I was around a size 6-8 and he would constantly compare me to Jenny McCarthy and make comments about how I needed to work out more (I was playing tennis 5-6 days a week with running and workouts mixed in) and "why are you eating that?!" etc etc etc.

I don''t wish that kind of relationship on anyone. I would never participate in that kind of relationship again either, and if I saw someone going through that, I would tell them to get out, while hoping they would listen.

Years afterward I found out that my "inability to look like Jenny McCarthy" was not just because I couldn''t work out enough, and didn''t eat perfectly healthy stuff, but also because I have a hormone imbalance that causes me to not be able to shed the pounds, and prevents me from putting on muscle tone, even with daily workouts and eating healthy. I also had an eating disorder when I was in middle school, which I considered going back to because of this ex, but it still wouldn''t have made me look like Jenny McCarthy.

FI loves me for who I am, even though I''ve gained weight since we''ve been together, and really, that is the most wonderful thing. To be cherished and adored even though you aren''t perfect. And not a "hard body".

Because from my experience, that is not real love. That''s something very far from love.