Is it ok to ask one''s SO to lose weight or work out so that you''re more attracted?

[JulieN]

who doesn''t like a hard body?

 

[LaraOnline]

If yiou are seriously biting your tongue, perhaps you feel that his lifestylehabits reflect other aspects of his personality that you don't enjoy so much... eg late night movies, chip packets under the lounge cushions and a generally lazy / unfun / sulky personality.

But, if on the whole you think your man is awesome / hard worker / caring whatever pushes your happy button, why demand more from him? A 'hard body' is a real obsession, and takes many hours of ongoing work to achieve.

You have to look at the whole package. My man used to be really into sport and fitness ... work out three hours a session four days a week, rugby training, and games, as well as other sports besides. Okay, well this was a decade ago) Yes, he was incredibly handsome in my eyes... to be honest, it was a little intimidating...

Now, he is a gorgeous (and, yes, a bit overweight) family man who doesn't really want to spend so much time away from his wife and kids.

I love him for it.

I do sporadically try to talk him into visiting the gym, because I know he loves feeling fighting fit, and in an ideal fantasy land, he would be a healthier weight, but I love him so much I can't see straight. And I like how he wants to be with me. So I guess his tum hasn't knocked too much off his sex appeal!

 

[neatfreak]

I think it''s more ok if you tell him you want to **both** start working out and getting "healthier", but I think it''s pretty rude to ask him to lose weight outright. Not something I would be ok with my DH telling me that is for sure!

 

[atroop711]

I don't care if his body is hard or not. I fell in love with my dh for him and that gorgeous personality of his. He has been in fabulous shape, he has gained weight and gotten a beer belly... I don't care. As long as he's healthy and ok with the way he looks, I'm ok with it. His weight (as many of us) goes up and down but within 10 lbs. He's his biggest critic. Only when he speaks to me and complains about his weight and says he wants to go back to the gym, I say...then do it if that's what you want.

If my dh became so unhealthy then I would say something (since we have 3 kids) but not before. I'm not into the "perfect" body...just into him

 

[JulieN]

he's not a slob.

it's just hard because food is how I show love. Now, my food isn't particularly fattening or unhealthy, but he and I have different habits. He eats all day while he works, while I eat lightly during the day, and take in more calories at dinner.

I like cooking, so if I make something (most days) I want him to come home and eat it! But he likes to go to the gym after work. But if he does plan to go to the gym, he'll usually eat dinner before coming home.

Complicated? Maybe if we can split gym nights and dinner nights.

Some ladies are saying that their hubbies USED to have great bodies... you know, when they fell in love with him. Mine hasn't had a hot body for a few years (before I met him) and I think part of that is why I am not as attracted to him as I think I could be.

 

[makemepretty]

No. I think that''s mean. As you age, your body changes and eventually...he''ll be old and won''t look at all like he did when you met him. That''s why it''s important to love the person, not the package.

 

[sammyj]

Date: 3/20/2009 6:53:13 AM
Author: JulieN
he's not a slob.

it's just hard because food is how I show love. Now, my food isn't particularly fattening or unhealthy, but he and I have different habits. He eats all day while he works, while I eat lightly during the day, and take in more calories at dinner.

I like cooking, so if I make something (most days) I want him to come home and eat it! But he likes to go to the gym after work. But if he does plan to go to the gym, he'll usually eat dinner before coming home.

Complicated? Maybe if we can split gym nights and dinner nights.

Some ladies are saying that their hubbies USED to have great bodies... you know, when they fell in love with him. Mine hasn't had a hot body for a few years (before I met him) and I think part of that is why I am not as attracted to him as I think I could be.

Julie, does he make comments about his own body? If he talks about wanting to get leaner, then yes, I'd say it's ok to suggest working out together or trying out a new activity. If he seems perfectly content with his body, then no, I wouldn't go there.

My FI went to Kenya for a month a few years ago and came back weighing 145 lbs (he's 5'11"). He started working full-time afterwards and gained 30 lbs in 6 months. He had a belly, muffin tops, and he'd pop buttons on his pants. He was that way for 2.5-3 years and he's only recently started to slim down because we're on a new gym routine (crossfit).

I love him and I love the way he looks. As long as he loves the way he looks then he's all the more attractive.

ETA: I love the 2nd part to your question!

 

[Steel]

Date: 3/20/2009 7:46:44 AM
Author: makemepretty
No. I think that''s mean. As you age, your body changes and eventually...he''ll be old and won''t look at all like he did when you met him. That''s why it''s important to love the person, not the package.

Makemepretty, I agree completely.

JulieN, I understand that it is fantastic to have that Rrrrrrh for your husband or wife but honestly (for me) that is not the beginning and end of love. Your SO may have the hottest (**** star) body and be injured terribly to become a quadriplegic or paraplegic. They could loose a limb. They could be attacked in the street and suffer terrible scarring, there are even cases of battery acid being thrown at some assault victims. While it is great to look after your body and look super sexy and fit you (IMHO) should not spend another moment thinking how much more you could be attracted to your SO if he did x or ate x. Concentrate on him as he is now, there may not be a tomorrow and if there is, it may be materially different from today.

 

[JulieN]

yeah, it's cool. He knows he's gotten rather out of shape. He likes working out, even. He totally wouldn't mind losing a few pounds, and he admits that he can get more sexy.

Certainly, I don't love him more or less because of this.

I don't even know why I asked this question... It's late. I guess what I really meant was "is it ok to think that your SO is sexier when s/he's in shape?" And, of course, that is ok.

 

[Deelight]

The only time I would ever say anything is if it were an issue of health because I care about him and I love hi, and then I would tread lightly and make it something we both did.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 3/20/2009 6:53:13 AM
Author: JulieN
I like cooking, so if I make something (most days) I want him to come home and eat it! But he likes to go to the gym after work. But if he does plan to go to the gym, he''ll usually eat dinner before coming home.

I certainly think it''s out of line to ask him to get in shape if you are preferring him to come home rather than go to the gym! Can''t have it both ways I''m afraid...

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

"Is it ok to ask one''s SO to lose weight or work out so that you''re more attracted?"

No, it''s not.

It is OK, however, to suggest BOTH going to the gym and working out together/eating better. Suggest going hiking/bike riding on the weekend instead of sitting on the couch.

Why would you ever tell your SO you''re not attracted to them? Similarly, if it''s such a problem, why are you with that person?

 

[Maisie]

My husband is extremely thin. He always has been. He has tried to put on weight over the years but it never worked. I am the opposite. I am very overweight. He understands how much it bothers me and would never ask me to lose weight just so I would look more attractive to him. It doesn''t bother me how slim he is because its just the way he is built. I love him for him.. not his body.

What will happen when I am 70 and everything has gone south? He will love me anyway because its more than just physical appearance.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 3/20/2009 5:57:31 AM
Author:JulieN
who doesn''t like a hard body?

That made me laugh so hard. It reminded me of those late night commercials with the girls asking you to call the

number. Oh boy, I can already tell how my Friday is going to be.

There have been moments where I''ve wanted Mr. Fiery to lose weight and there have been moments when he has wanted me to lose weight. He and I are a team and we look out for each other. If I say "honey does this make me look fat" I know there is a very high chance that he''ll say yes and if he does, it has never bothered me and vice versa (although he knows better than to say that now lol).

That said, when we have wanted each other to lose weight we still try to respect each other''s feelings. We''ll say "we should really start working out and watching what we eat" and we''ll do just that: exercise and eat healthier together.

There''s nothing worse than having a flawed partner point out your flaws

 

[monarch64]

I think it''s ok to feel like if your SO was more fit you would find he/she more attractive, but as far as actually asking them to conform to what your idea of sexy is might backfire on you and have the opposite effect on your relationship. So, I think if you came right out and asked your SO to please lose weight and work out so I am more attracted to you again, that''s bad. If, on the other hand, you were to say, I really care about and love you and I am concerned that your health might deteriorate if you don''t start working out and eating better, that''s a better way to approach it.

If my hypothetical SO said to me,"honey, you''ve gained some weight and it makes me want you less" I would be appalled and probably take it really personally. But, if he said "honey, I love you so much and want to enjoy a really long life with you, let''s work out together" I would take it as a compliment.

 

[somegirl932]

Date: 3/20/2009 6:43:20 AM
Author: atroop711
If my dh became so unhealthy then I would say something (since we have 3 kids) but not before. I''m not into the ''perfect'' body...just into him

This is my thought too. If you''re genuinely concerned for his health, saying something to that regard is probably much more okay than "lose weight so that you become attractive to me"

 

[LaraOnline]

If you're the one in the kitchen, you have a secret weapon! Develop an interest in hard-core 'healthy' stuff! I feel to some extent responsible for my husband's weight gain:

1. When we got engaged I started cooking for him a lot. He gained some weight in the year of our engagement, but in the first year of our marriage, he put on lot! My fault, I'm afraid!

2. Year 2 our first baby came. As soon as I started having kids, he started working more, working like a man possessed, because he loves us and wants us to be secure. Stress and poor sleeping patterns piles the weight on too!

Now, I don't pile up his plate and urge him to have more. I try to take the healthy option, and have made every effort to take responsibility for the foods I serve, rather than 'killing him with kindness'. He knows I can cook! So I lay off the fattening stuff these days!
(although now the children are getting a little older, I find I really do want to cook things like apple crumbles, choc-chip biccies etc...but I do try to choose wholemeal, and low fat...)

Limiting portion sizes is often a very important step for men, who have been encouraged to eat cave-man size portions from the moment they opened their mouth for their first solid food.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

No, I don''t think that it is ok. If my DH said this to me I would be very hurt and offended

!
It is one thing to want to get in shape for health reasons, not based on attraction.

 

[Thomperchik]

This is a very sensitive issue for me. I don''t think it is ever a good idea to ask your significant other to loose weight/get toned unless they brign it up!

For men it might be different, but it is never, ever a good idea to ask a woman to lose weight!

I don''t want to thread-jack, but I received this email from my ex last week, and this is one of the reasons why I don''t think it''s a good idea to ever bring weight up, unless your SO does it first...


-----Original Message-----
From: Jerk
Sent: Friday, March 13, 2009 7:31 AM
To: Thomperchik
Subject: hey

So, I feel like I should get this off my chest. I didn''t want to break up because I didn''t love you. You''re amazing, I loved ya. I had talked with my friend Justin, and he was telling me about how his wife had really let herself go after they got married. Quit wanting to work, sat around the house, gained a bunch of weight, and he was just miserable. I kept telling myself that wouldn''t be us, but I guess I really psyched myself out. I loved you too much to tell you I noticed you had gained weight when i saw you (I know I had too), so rather than talk about that fear I just kept it inside. Everytime I talked to Justin, he sounded so miserable. I guess I got scared about that, and I didn''t know how to talk to you about it. It''s really such a shallow topic, you were about to be my wife, the last thing I wanted to say is baby please don''t get fat or lose your motivation.

Anyways, I am sorry for texting you last night, I just really miss you sometimes. I hope you are doin alright, if you ever have time to write and let me know what''s goin on with you I would love to hear

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 3/20/2009 10:36:02 AM
Author: Thomperchik

This is a very sensitive issue for me. I don''t think it is ever a good idea to ask your significant other to loose weight/get toned unless they brign it up!

For men it might be different, but it is never, ever a good idea to ask a woman to lose weight!

I don''t want to thread-jack, but I received this email from my ex last week, and this is one of the reasons why I don''t think it''s a good idea to ever bring weight up, unless your SO does it first...


-----Original Message-----
From: Jerk
Sent: Friday, March 13, 2009 7:31 AM
To: Thomperchik
Subject: hey

So, I feel like I should get this off my chest. I didn''t want to break up because I didn''t love you. You''re amazing, I loved ya. I had talked with my friend Justin, and he was telling me about how his wife had really let herself go after they got married. Quit wanting to work, sat around the house, gained a bunch of weight, and he was just miserable. I kept telling myself that wouldn''t be us, but I guess I really psyched myself out. I loved you too much to tell you I noticed you had gained weight when i saw you (I know I had too), so rather than talk about that fear I just kept it inside. Everytime I talked to Justin, he sounded so miserable. I guess I got scared about that, and I didn''t know how to talk to you about it. It''s really such a shallow topic, you were about to be my wife, the last thing I wanted to say is baby please don''t get fat or lose your motivation.

Anyways, I am sorry for texting you last night, I just really miss you sometimes. I hope you are doin alright, if you ever have time to write and let me know what''s goin on with you I would love to hear

Ohhh... my goodness.

 

[CNOS128]

Personally, I don''t really think it''s ever okay to tell someone else what to do with his body, unless it is out of genuine concern for his health or safety. And if my fiance told me he wanted me to work out more so he''d be more attracted to me, I wouldn''t marry him (if I were overweight, that might change - although I can''t imagine him ever saying something like this). But some people have the kind of relationship where they can say such a thing to each other without offense. (I just don''t know any of these people).

As to your other question, whether it''s okay to be more attracted to your partner when he''s in shape -- it depends. How turned off are you, especially knowing that he might change?
You should be with a romantic partner you''re attracted to, and I do think it''s a problem to feel like you need to change a person in order to be attracted to him.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 3/20/2009 8:59:46 AM
Author: Deelight
The only time I would ever say anything is if it were an issue of health because I care about him and I love hi, and then I would tread lightly and make it something we both did.

Well said, I agree. I can''t imagine ever saying anything based on how attracted I am/might be to him; I think that would be potentially much more hurtful than helpful.

 

[Lauren8211]

I love my SO no matter what, and I think he''s attractive no matter what. I honestly don''t find him more/less attractive based on how "Fit" he is.

He will not always be as fit as he is now, and I couldn''t care less.

If it got to the point where his health was at risk, obviously we''d work together to get healthy.

If he told me he was less attracted to me because I put on 10 pounds, I would be CRUSHED. I mean that. CRUSHED. Call me sensitive/insecure/whatever you want, but I don''t know if I''d recover from that.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

If my husband ever said "babe, I don''t find you attractive because you''re not a hard body"...my heart would be broken!

I don''t think it''s ever okay to change someone because you feel like it. If it''s a matter of health, then that''s a different story. But if it''s a matter of "personal taste" then you''re better off not opening that Pandora''s box.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 3/20/2009 10:36:02 AM
Author: Thomperchik

This is a very sensitive issue for me. I don''t think it is ever a good idea to ask your significant other to loose weight/get toned unless they brign it up!

For men it might be different, but it is never, ever a good idea to ask a woman to lose weight!

I don''t want to thread-jack, but I received this email from my ex last week, and this is one of the reasons why I don''t think it''s a good idea to ever bring weight up, unless your SO does it first...


-----Original Message-----
From: Jerk
Sent: Friday, March 13, 2009 7:31 AM
To: Thomperchik
Subject: hey

So, I feel like I should get this off my chest. I didn''t want to break up because I didn''t love you. You''re amazing, I loved ya. I had talked with my friend Justin, and he was telling me about how his wife had really let herself go after they got married. Quit wanting to work, sat around the house, gained a bunch of weight, and he was just miserable. I kept telling myself that wouldn''t be us, but I guess I really psyched myself out. I loved you too much to tell you I noticed you had gained weight when i saw you (I know I had too), so rather than talk about that fear I just kept it inside. Everytime I talked to Justin, he sounded so miserable. I guess I got scared about that, and I didn''t know how to talk to you about it. It''s really such a shallow topic, you were about to be my wife, the last thing I wanted to say is baby please don''t get fat or lose your motivation.

Anyways, I am sorry for texting you last night, I just really miss you sometimes. I hope you are doin alright, if you ever have time to write and let me know what''s goin on with you I would love to hear

 

[KimberlyH]

I don''t think there is anything wrong with encouraging a partner to be healthy, but you can''t/shouldn''t expect anymore than you''re willing to do yourself. Exercise is part of a lifestyle for me. I love to be outdoors, hiking, biking, jogging, etc. My husband does as well, to a lesser extent than me. But he and I are both weight conscious and try to take good care of our bodies. Our lifestyles wouldn''t mesh if he was an extreme couch potato or if I was an overeater. I would never tell him I expect him to have a "hard body" but I would suggest we exercise more, or eat a bit better if I noticed him gaining weight. We both feel better about ourselves when we are at a healthy weight. Right now, he''s actually on his own quest to lose a few (I didn''t notice he''d gained as it was something like 4 pounds) because he''s unhappy with his own weight. Because we''re both so aware and find it important to be healthy we have never had to talk about it with each other except to encourage one another.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thomperchick, you dodged a huge bullet. Thank your lucky stars and block his e-mail from busting through...you don''t need to listen to that bulls***.

 

[Thomperchik]

Date: 3/20/2009 10:51:56 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Thomperchick, you dodged a huge bullet. Thank your lucky stars and block his e-mail from busting through...you don''t need to listen to that bulls***.

Italianhaircolor - Tell me about it!!!

After that email, I spammed him from ever contating me again!

P.S. Again, thanks for being so supportive!

 

[Regular Guy]

Just stopping in to say I had to read this.

Also...better re-start working out.

Thanks Julie.

 

[Phoenix]

Thomperchik, I'm glad he's yr EX now!! That insensitive jerk!!

Julie, I too think it's ok that you're concerned with his weight gain for health reasons. I second the others that you should both go to the gym and work out together. When I was really super fit and super toned, I bought personal training lessons for my DH (the same trainer who was training me), as although hubby had and still does have gorgeous legs (he played a lot of rugby), his upper body was not getting worked out. We also went to the gym together whenever we could. He was very thankful and actually started taking up triathlon because of this trainer. Now, although he doesn't do triathlons any more, due to his busy work schedule, he still works out fairly regularly, or at least whenever he has a chance. He looks amazing and he's even more fit than he has ever been his entire life. However, last year, I became quite overweight and hubby never said a word about it (well, not in an obvious hurtful way anyway). I started to build up fat around my tummy and my waist, which is the worst fat to have, due to its association with so many diseases. It was actually myself who woke up to the reality of this and started to do something about it. I do wish sometimes that hubby had been a bit more fortcoming about my weight gain, then maybe I wouldn't have become so overweight.