Is it OK to ask for a timeline?

[lilylover]

I''ve been getting mixed signals lately as to when FFI is going to propose and it''s driving me nuts. I know that he''s looked at rings recently, but then again my sister (who is helping him pick a ring out, etc.) texts me today and tells me that she doesn''t think he''s going to ask anytime soon, she doesn''t know if he''s ready and thinks he might be making up excuses to stall, etc. It''s a 50/50 possibility that she''s just messing with me to throw me off, but who knows.

Do you guys think it''d be acceptable to ask FFI for a timeline? (Ex., "Do you think we''ll be engaged by July?") Or would this be too pushy? I in no way want to pressure him, I just want to know that it''s going to happen so I can RELAX and stop reading into every little bit of information!

Thanks!

 

[caribqueen]

I think it''s definitely okay to ask. But you know your man best, so you''ll have to gauge how exactly to broach the issue. If your relationship seems to be progressing well, then you could start the conversation by asking him his thoughts on you guys getting engaged in the near future. Then you can find out if it means - next few months, by a specific season, or by the end of the year.

Just curious - Why July? Is that something you guys discussed before? If so, then maybe you could ask him if you guys are still on track to getting engaged by July.

Hopefully he''s open to at least discussing the issue. We don''t have to know every detail, but I see no reason why we women should be completely kept in the dark.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 3/9/2009 11:45:20 PM
Author:lilylover
I''ve been getting mixed signals lately as to when FFI is going to propose and it''s driving me nuts. I know that he''s looked at rings recently, but then again my sister (who is helping him pick a ring out, etc.) texts me today and tells me that she doesn''t think he''s going to ask anytime soon, she doesn''t know if he''s ready and thinks he might be making up excuses to stall, etc. It''s a 50/50 possibility that she''s just messing with me to throw me off, but who knows.

Do you guys think it''d be acceptable to ask FFI for a timeline? (Ex., ''Do you think we''ll be engaged by July?'') Or would this be too pushy? I in no way want to pressure him, I just want to know that it''s going to happen so I can RELAX and stop reading into every little bit of information!

Thanks!

Hmm, I''m not sure if I would ask if it''s only a matter of a few months, although it depends on what sort of shopping he''s doing. Normally I would think that you''d first look at rings rather casually with the person you intend to marry, and would only take the sister along to say a definitive "yes" on that one or a "no" on that other one when it was crunch tme if he wanted the ring he chose to be a surprise. But maybe that''s weird of me?

If he''s taking your sister out to help with ring shopping and it''s to get an idea of what you want (which, again, doesn''t make sense to me really), then it could be that he''s just starting to learn about diamonds and it *might* be a while yet. Is he a researcher? Does he take his time when making a big purchase? Is he likely to believe what the salespeople tell him about the diamonds and buy at the first store or will he shop around?

If he does like to do his research before a purchase, then it might be a while yet. If not, it sounds like it could be that your sister is trying to throw you off because he''s bought it already. What do you think he''s thinking?

 

[jcarlylew]

yes and no. asking for a specific month, well as i am sure other ladies can tell you here, those time lines can come and go.
Asking about where you see each other in 1 year, 3 years, etc is perfectly okay as long as you 1) remain calm and 2) OPEN AND LISTEN.
and remember, if he says soon, its probably not going to happen within 6 months. guy soon is more like a year

compared to ladies "soon".


I would suggest staying away from deadlines, but create guidelines.

 

[Still_Waiting]

Well, I really think it depends on your SO. I think it depends upon how much you guys have discussed the issue, his reactions, etc. If you have suspicions that he may be stalling, then it''s probably time to sit down for a heart-to-heart to find out where he truly is and what the hold-up is. On the otherhand, if he really hasn''t given you any reason to think he''s stalling, then why not just be patient-as DIFFICULT as it is-and wait for his perfect proposal. Do you REALLY want to know WHEN it''s going to happen? Or would you rather know less info and be MUCH MORE surprised? That said, I think it''d be totally acceptable to ask if the proposal will happen within a year, or even by the end of the year, but I don''t think asking if it''ll happen within a few months will really help either of you. Good luck, believe me, we all know how hard it is to wait!!!

 

[Shoopy]

Depends on what the end result will be.

If you ask for a timeline, he says "July", July comes with no proposal, what are you going to do about it?

I would have an honest conversation with him to see if he''s still on the same page as you in terms of getting married.

 

[Dreamgirl]

I used to think a timeline was a good idea but truly, you could be pushing him too far and/or setting yourself up for a letdown if it doesn''t happen come the ''time'' discussed as many LIW''s have gone through that here.

Here''s how I look at it....myself and FF have a ''general timeline'' meaning between now and so many years. That takes the pressure off. Plus he wants to surprise me. But truly, if he''s looking at rings and your sister is helping...I would take that as it will come sometime soon down the road. Maybe he wants to surprise you too!

 

[tlh]

It really all depends on each unique relationship.

The saying.. good things come to those that wait... is true. HOWEVER, it is really EFF-ing hard to sit around and wait, when it appears that everyone around you is leading the life you want to live.. and you are putting your life on hold - for someone else. Those thoughts can lead to bitterness, disappointment, resentment, and loss.

I didn''t have a timeline per-se. I had a dump date. Just like on the milk. Yeah sure, the milk is still good 5 days past the experation date... but some people will dump out the milk within a few days - even BEFORE the expiration date hits.. others will prolong the use of the milk with the old sniff test... sometimes, they''ll win, and get to drink the milk. Sometimes, they''ll lose, and the milk turned sour. Relationships like milk, can have a dump date.

Mine did. I am a girl that sticks to her word. My nowDH always knew this. If I said I was going to do something, it was certain I was. So, I had expected to be engaged by April/May of 2007. The "dump date" was the end of the year. But like the milk... had he waited until the ball dropped.. he would have been dumped on 12/30 - so I could have a new date for 12/31 and kiss i nthe new year with someone else. I was very vocal about this dump date... but it is also part of my personality, and I got my proposal in late october. The longer he waited (money was an issue) the more hostile I became.

My technique doesn''t work for everyone. But I do believe someone has to look within themselves, and ask... if we don''t end up being married, will I still be happy with the choices I have made for my life? If the answer is no, because you''ve been BACK BURNER-ing your life for someone else... it is a problem. If the answer is Yes... then you probably aren''t asking yourself about a timeline.

 

[lilylover]

Date: 3/10/2009 5:21:50 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 3/9/2009 11:45:20 PM
Author:lilylover
I''ve been getting mixed signals lately as to when FFI is going to propose and it''s driving me nuts. I know that he''s looked at rings recently, but then again my sister (who is helping him pick a ring out, etc.) texts me today and tells me that she doesn''t think he''s going to ask anytime soon, she doesn''t know if he''s ready and thinks he might be making up excuses to stall, etc. It''s a 50/50 possibility that she''s just messing with me to throw me off, but who knows.

Do you guys think it''d be acceptable to ask FFI for a timeline? (Ex., ''Do you think we''ll be engaged by July?'') Or would this be too pushy? I in no way want to pressure him, I just want to know that it''s going to happen so I can RELAX and stop reading into every little bit of information!

Thanks!

Hmm, I''m not sure if I would ask if it''s only a matter of a few months, although it depends on what sort of shopping he''s doing. Normally I would think that you''d first look at rings rather casually with the person you intend to marry, and would only take the sister along to say a definitive ''yes'' on that one or a ''no'' on that other one when it was crunch tme if he wanted the ring he chose to be a surprise. But maybe that''s weird of me?

If he''s taking your sister out to help with ring shopping and it''s to get an idea of what you want (which, again, doesn''t make sense to me really), then it could be that he''s just starting to learn about diamonds and it *might* be a while yet. Is he a researcher? Does he take his time when making a big purchase? Is he likely to believe what the salespeople tell him about the diamonds and buy at the first store or will he shop around?

If he does like to do his research before a purchase, then it might be a while yet. If not, it sounds like it could be that your sister is trying to throw you off because he''s bought it already. What do you think he''s thinking?

Well, the reason he is using my sister is because he doesn''t want me to be involved in the ring buying process at all. He thinks that if I know too much about it it''ll take a way the surprise factor and lessen the significance. I don''t reallly agree, but I am letting him do his thing on that one.

I honestly don''t know if he plans on researching things. I would think/hope so, though. He doesn''t mind if I talk about our wedding, or our furture after we get married, but any mention of the ring or the engagement and he doesn''t want to talk about it! I wasn''t supposed to know that he went and looked at rings with my sister, but he ended up letting a few details slip and I figured it out. I do know that she took him to just look at styles and show him what I like.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 3/10/2009 11:37:21 AM
Author: tlh
It really all depends on each unique relationship.
Just like on the milk. Yeah sure, the milk is still good 5 days past the experation date... but some people will dump out the milk within a few days - even BEFORE the expiration date hits.. others will prolong the use of the milk with the old sniff test... sometimes, they''ll win, and get to drink the milk. Sometimes, they''ll lose,

love it!

 

[sammyj]

Date: 3/10/2009 10:18:49 AM
Author: fieryred33143
Depends on what the end result will be.

If you ask for a timeline, he says ''July'', July comes with no proposal, what are you going to do about it?

I would have an honest conversation with him to see if he''s still on the same page as you in terms of getting married.

I agree with fiery. I think it''s more important to discuss whether or not you''re on the same page as opposed to when you''re getting married. Your sister''s comment could very well be a comment to throw you off the scent, but if you have reasons to believe it, then you need to communicate this with your SO.

If you''re sure you''re on the same page, then coming from a person who asked for a timeline at least once a month for the past 4 months, go ahead and ask! Just put on your cutest smile and start the conversation off with, "I''m sorry to be a nag but..."

 

[nail_polish]

My rule of thumb is: when in doubt - just ask. When worried - just ask. When happy - just ask. When sad - just ask. Etc. etc. etc.

Basically, my boyfriend and I live based on the foundation that we will come to each other with anything/everything.

I am a very ''control freak'' sort of girl.. so over the Christmas holidays when I was getting a bit twitchy.. I brought it up.. and at first he was hesitant to divulge anything, but he did admit that it would happen before I am done my undergrad.

This was a huge relief for me.

Now, I know many prove that time lines pass without action.. but I trust that he WILL abide by the time line or else he wouldn''t have said it. He''s not the type.

Ultimately, I advocate for communication - open and honest communication between you and your boyfriend. I know each relationship is unique, but communication seems to be a tested and true tool

Now, don''t expect him to tell you the ABSOLUTE truth, as it may give away the surprise too much, but he should be able to make you feel better

Good luck!

 

[lilylover]

Update:

I said to BF today, "I''ve realized that I have always told you that I want to get married the summer after I graduate (I graduate college in Dec 09, so that means getting married summer 2010) but I have never really asked you if that is what you wanted, too. As you know, it takes a year to plan a wedding, and if you won''t be ready to propose within the time frame to make that happen, we can definitely talk about it."

His reaction was, "That summer sounds good to me."



Later on tonight we were talking on the phone on my way home from class and I was talking to him about my tuition for this summer and the fall, and how I feel bad about my parents having to pay tuition back-to-back like that. At the end I was like, "Man, I am expensive!" And he goes, "Yeah you are for me, too." I replied that I didn''t know what he was talking about, because him and I hardly ever buy one another gifts besides bday''s and xmas. He was like, "I guess you aren''t picking up on what I am saying, never mind!"

So.. that sounds promising to me!

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Date: 3/10/2009 11:21:29 PM
Author: lilylover
Update:


I said to BF today, ''I''ve realized that I have always told you that I want to get married the summer after I graduate (I graduate college in Dec 09, so that means getting married summer 2010) but I have never really asked you if that is what you wanted, too. As you know, it takes a year to plan a wedding, and if you won''t be ready to propose within the time frame to make that happen, we can definitely talk about it.''


His reaction was, ''That summer sounds good to me.''





Later on tonight we were talking on the phone on my way home from class and I was talking to him about my tuition for this summer and the fall, and how I feel bad about my parents having to pay tuition back-to-back like that. At the end I was like, ''Man, I am expensive!'' And he goes, ''Yeah you are for me, too.'' I replied that I didn''t know what he was talking about, because him and I hardly ever buy one another gifts besides bday''s and xmas. He was like, ''I guess you aren''t picking up on what I am saying, never mind!''


So.. that sounds promising to me!

Heck yes that sounds promising!!! See? All you had to do was ask.

I tend to agree with TLH''s thinking. I subscribe to the rule that "Men Love B!tches." In fact, I bought the book "Why Men Marry B!tches" and employed a few tactics from the book. One thing they tell you is to let your man know that you''re happy with him, but you could be just as happy without him. I eluded to that one night and it was like, BAM! Suddenly Mister "I''m happy where we''re at" wanted to talk about "the future." Men are like little beasts who love the thrill of the chase. Sometimes when they know they''ve got you and you''re not gong anywhere, they give up. Why try?

Wow. Sorry, I went off on a tangent there, huh? Moral of the story: that''s really promising news! Whoo hoo!

 

[caribqueen]

That''s great lilylover. Open communication is the best thing!

 

[lovefinally]

I talked to my boyfriend about a timeline mostly because I knew if we wanted to get married next year, we needed to start making plans for a wedding, as reception sites go very quickly. I basically just said what I wanted and he said he wanted the same thing: to be married next year and I just politely pointed out how long planning a reception site requires, which he didn''t know. Long story short, I know he''s going to propose soon and while I''m still wondering when exactly, I am not freaking out that we won''t be able to get married next year.

 

[Porridge]

Yay, perfect! That was a good approach

 

[freudianflip]

you did great! nice job with the ol'' communication

 

[Still_Waiting]

Yay! Nicely done!...You may have even encouraged me to do a little asking of my own!