Is it harder to decide to be a SAHM if you have a high income?

[Mobinvera]

For example, my sister is a SAHM but got married / had kids when she was young and had a relatively modest income. Financially, I feel like this choice was easier for her to justify because if you take the cost of child care into account, it wasn’t a significant amount that she would be bringing in. I will be older by the time I have children and have had more time to develop my career and earn a higher annual salary. I feel like I will be less able to financially justify being a SAHM because I will be ‘losing out’ on more money than I would if I didn’t earn so much.

Just wondering what other’s thoughts are on this.

 

[Sha]

I suppose it would be harder, but I guess it also depends on your partner''s income as well. IF your partner also has a high income, then it mightn''t matter if you only operate on one salary or two. If your salary contributes significantly to the household income, though, or if you''re the main breadwinner, then I suppose it would be a lot more difficult to give up those earnings.

I happen to be the main breadwinner in my household, so becoming a SAHM wouldn''t be an option for me. There''s no way we could survive on DH''s income alone.

 

[steph72276]

I think it would be. I was a teacher, and while I loved my job, by the time I took into account daycare, gas, work clothes, lunches, dinners out b/c I was too tired to cook from scratch, etc, I wasn''t bringing home enough to really make it worthwhile to me. And now with 2, I can really forget about it until they are both in school full time, I think it would COST me money to work now!!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I don''t know, it depends on how much $ we had and how much our cost of living was. There is a correlation between making more and spending more, so I see what you''re saying about sacrificing the extra income or lifestyle benefits. At the same time, I''d love to have the chance to raise my children without worrying about the finances.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I only think it would be difficult to give up the high income if you needed it for your lifestyle. Otherwise, I think the couple could use the woman's high income to their advantage for the future. If the husband also makes a high income, and I'm assuming that is the case, then they could live on one income for 1-2+ years (before having the baby) and save 100% of the woman's income. That income could be a travel account for the next 5 - 10 years or heck, if she makes enough, maybe they could pay cash for a second family vacation home after a couple of years of saving. The key is that once the couple decides that she will be a future SAHM, all of her income is considered "extra" and wouldn't be used to buy a bigger house, a nicer car, etc. (things that would require you to keep that income). If you don't need it, it won't be difficult to give up no matter how much you make.

 

[Puppmom]

Well, the decision is really easy when you don''t have any money!

 

[fieryred33143]

Depends on how you were living before the baby arrived, IMO.

If you have a high income but didn''t have substantial debt and saved a lot of your money you could justify SAH even if just for a year or two. If you have a high income and your lifestyle reflected it then it would probably be harder.

It also depends on your partner''s income too.

If FI had a high income, I''d be home

.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Daycare costs us about 20% of my take home income and I walk to work. It is 27% of DH''s income and he works at home. We spend maybe $50 per month of gas driving our son to daycare. It is a no brainer for us from a financial perspective for me to work, set aside the fact that I love my job, and also a no brainer for Dh to work.

But neither of us wanted to stay at home. I think if I wanted to stay at home then finances would not play into the equation, we would make it work on DHs salary -- downsize, rent, etc. Life is too short to let finances call the tune.

 

[CatLuver]

I think the original question may be asking whether giving up a high income would be harder, even if the income is not really needed (e.g. the husband has a high enough income or the budget makes the wife''s income not really "necessary"). I think yes. If your income is not high enough to offset the costs of child care, it seems like it wouldn''t be too difficult to give it up, from a financially rational sense. If your income is higher, you''re giving up more - opportunity cost. There are also other factors to consider, such as your desire to maintain a career & your prior investment in your education & career, and the consequences to your career in the future. Would it be difficult to jump back in when kids are older, and still be able to get the same level of job? If not, you have to include those extra "ramp up" years when considering forgone income.

 

[Ninna]

Like most of my co-workers I saved as much as I could to keep similar spending while being SAH. Childcare costs are ridiculous in my area!

 

[D&T]

yes, I think it is for me personally harder. By the time DH will be making the same level or more than me, my youngest might be in third grade, and I don't think I plan on having anymore kids, so for me to stay home would almost be pointless

by then However, if my DH already had a high income, and I was able to stay home comfortably, and don't plan on going back to my field, it might make it easier. There are just too many variables: ie:how easy will it be to go back into your career once/if you decide to go back? are you a SAHM material? (I'm not 100% I always need projects or other involvement to keep me sane) and other factors that I can't think of with my mommy brain at the moment

 

[meresal]

If my salary equaled what we would pay in day care expenses, then I would be a SAHM in a heart beat.

However, it is not, and leaving my job would mean my DH and I giving up lots of things that make us happy. We are not ready to do that, and DH's salary is not high enough to carry that on its own. We are hoping that by the time we have our next one, I will be able to stay home... or at least do consulting from home.

The more money you have, the more you like nicer things... it's hard to go back after enjoying those things.

I would venture to guess that a homeless person that grew up on the streets, is more content with their life on the streets, than a homeless person who used to live in a home and knows what heat, a/c, and having a car is like.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I also think that if I wasn''t as career-minded a person it would be an easier decision for me. Or if I married and had kids at a young age. part of the problem is I just can''t fathom not working at age 30. I equate adulthood with career and working a 40 hour week.

 

[jewelz617]

I was making OK money before. Not poor, not rich, but relatively comfortable. We've had to make a lot of sacrifices for me to be a SAHM and they have been so worth it.

I find the cost of daycare really justifies one person staying home, to be honest. However once my degree is finished I'll be making more money and then that will be a different story.

 

[Haven]

This is an interesting question, and it''s one I''ve never really thought about before.

My friends who have chosen to work while having children have all had jobs that they really loved, so giving them up wasn''t about missing out on the money, but on the experience.

I imagine that if your lifestyle depends on *all* of your combined income, then it would be harder to be a SAHM. If you live below your means, then I imagine it''s easier to leave the job because then you won''t also be abandoning your lifestyle.

I have a couple friends who went back to work shortly after deciding to be SAHMs because they just didn''t like staying at home. I think that''s a common reason to continue working, too.

 

[megumic]

I think this question is kind of loaded. While income is one factor, I also think (like OPs mention) it also has to do with the lifestyle you want to have, how you want to raise your children, whether you want a career, your future potential earning power, among other things. I''m sure a high income does impact the decision to be a SAHM, but I don''t think it is the sole deciding factor.

 

[PinkTower]

Our first child was born prematurely. While that was a difficult experience, I was always sort of glad that the decision to become a SAHM was made for me. Once we readjusted our plans for my returning to work because that was not an option, it was amazing the things we did without. Being a SAHM meant no formula, no disposable diapers, no daycare, etc.
My advice to anyone would be to never just assume that you can return to work after the baby is born. I suppose if your income is very high, or you have a grandmother who can keep the baby, you could return to work with a premature baby at home. But, I''m a teacher, so was no way we could come out ahead with my salary if someone else had to care for the baby.

 

[partgypsy]

I think it is good that you are thinking about these things before planning to have a child, though alot of this has to do with the future you really don''t know if you will want to become a SAHM at that point, or want to experience continuity with your career. However if you do feel you will wan to stay home once you have a child, then use any extra earning power with that in mind. Instead of living off both salaries, try to live on one, and save the rest, or use it to pay down debt or put yourself in a better position when it you do plan to stay at home. It''s all about what your priorities are.

 

[Mobinvera]

Thanks everyone – it’s interesting to read different perspectives on this.

The reason it came up was because I was thinking about the idea of being a SAHM and some usual considerations (impact to career, independence, social interaction, finances, way children are raised etc.) and had the thought “the decision would be easier if I made X instead of Y…” cross my mind. Then I reflected on how bizarre it sounded that a decision may be easier if I made less. I neither love nor hate my job, but do enjoy the financial security it provides. I am definitely interested in trying to live off one income and see if/how we are impacted.

 

[PumpkinPie]

We live below our means - I make about the same money as my husband, but we could easily survive on one of our salaries so the possibility is there. However, I''m not the kind of person who could stay at home full-time.

But - I do think my income would make a difference for sure. I think I might feel differently if my salary did not cover daycare costs.

 

[janinegirly]

I guess it depends whether you're asking if it's hard to justify continuing working to the outside world (when you could certainly afford to stay at home and still maintain your lifestyle) or if you are trying to justify it to yourself.

In terms of others, I suppose it is harder b/c people relate to their own situations and most people work because it's necessarily financially.

However as people say over and over, happy and fulfilled mom = happy family.

To me it can be harder to be a working mom who actually would prefer to be home. Because then it's less about career and fulfillment and can sometimes spark feelings of resentment. Although of course the bigger picture in that case is 2 incomes can mean having more options in the near future (to stay at home, save for college etc).

 

[vespergirl]

Hey there, sorry I''m a little late to this thread, but I wanted to share my experience with this. I was making a high salary as a legal marketing executive when I became unexpectedly pregnant with our first child, and I decided to leave my career for several years to be a SAHM. I would have been happy to work 2 or 3 days a week in the office once I returned to work when DS was 5 months old and have a nanny come on those days (I offerred to take a 50% salary cut and no benefits), but my office said their policy was that I could retain all my salary and benefits, but could only leave at noon on Fridays (some reduced schedule) and I did not want to leave my son with strangers for that many hours a week, either with nannies or at a daycare center.

So, I just decided to stay at home full-time instead. We are fortunate in that my DH makes a very good salary, and we were able to have me stay home with little change to our lifestyle - I still have a maid come every two weeks, I can still shop (though not as much), and we still vacation (though maybe one big trip a year instead of two). It was an easy decision for me to make, because I worked for my salary & perks, not because I had any emotional attachment to the job - it was just work to me, not a passion.

Still, I don''t plan to be a SAHM forever. My son is 3, and I have a new baby due next week, and I would like to stay home until the little one starts full day school, in either kindergarten or first grade, so probably for the next 5 years or so. In a couple of years, when the youngest is in preschool, I may start going back to school for my Masters, which is something I''ve wanted to do for ages, but never had time to do. Then, I will have a degree to help me pursue a career that I actually care about when I am ready to return to work.

Anyway, I have to say that for me it wasn''t difficult to give up my salary, for two reasons - I didn''t care about the job, and my DH made enough money for us to pretty much continue having the same lifestyle that we enjoyed before.

 

[Miscka]

This is a really interesting thread. I used to think I would never want to be SAHM, but I also thought I would be in a career that I love, instead of just working a job if that makes sense. DH and I are used to living cheaply off my income while he is in school, so we are TTC and I will be p/t or SAHM when we have a baby most likely. If I earned more or loved my job, I would feel differently.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 4/8/2010 2:29:09 PM
Author: FL Steph
I think it would be. I was a teacher, and while I loved my job, by the time I took into account daycare, gas, work clothes, lunches, dinners out b/c I was too tired to cook from scratch, etc, I wasn''t bringing home enough to really make it worthwhile to me. And now with 2, I can really forget about it until they are both in school full time, I think it would COST me money to work now!!

Even once they''re in school, it may cost you money to work (after gas, clothes, etc.). When I called around, the cheapest I could find for my two boys *during the school year* was about $1,100-$1,200 a month. During the summer, it was insane. . .I don''t even remember.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I think the main reason it would be hard for me to be a SAHM isn''t necessarily the salary, but the amount of money and time I''ve put into my education. I''m in my second year of medical school right now, and the idea of spending almost 300k, and putting in what feels like a billion hours of studying, to be a SAHM after graduation..well...it makes me cringe. I would just feel like I wasted so much time and money.

Although I do think a higher salary makes it harder to quit a job in general. My mom''s job drives her crazy and gives her all sorts of health issues, and my parents have a comfortable nest egg and would be totally ok if she retired (my dad already did retire). But she used to work as a waitress making minimum wage, so I think it''s really hard for her to just give it up after working so hard for it, despite all the rational reasons for why she should quit.

 

[icekid]

Date: 4/10/2010 8:17:45 AM
Author: MakingTheGrade
I think the main reason it would be hard for me to be a SAHM isn''t necessarily the salary, but the amount of money and time I''ve put into my education. I''m in my second year of medical school right now, and the idea of spending almost 300k, and putting in what feels like a billion hours of studying, to be a SAHM after graduation..well...it makes me cringe. I would just feel like I wasted so much time and money.

Pretty much ditto this. I am a resident physician and while I don''t make a ton of money now, eventually I will probably make significantly more than my husband. He has a good job and does well, but he is not willing to work the hours I do so likely will never catch me

We''re just pregnant now with our first so who knows how I''ll feel when the baby arrives. As of right now, I doubt that I am cut out to stay home full-time anyway. However, due to the time and money that we have invested in my education, it does not really feel like a legitimate option anyway. And not having a choice does suck.

 

[zoebartlett]

I don''t have kids, but I would assume that it would be harder to be a SAHM with a high income. I know I''d find it hard to leave my job if I had a high (or even just higher) salary. Like others have said though, it could depend on a few factors.

 

[Black Jade]

I went to an Ivy League school way back in the day--not part of the very class that allowed women to attend but attended soon after that when it was a still a new thing to have women being educated there. We were all told constantly how fortunate we were and how we were pioneers and how we had to not let all women down by ''copping out'' and staying at home once we had kids (if we even did have kids. It was strongly implied that being a mom at all was not a good choice to make, since it was much more important to prove that we could everything else just the same as men). Anyway, I ate all this up--until I had my first child. There was no way that I was going to leave that child for someone else to take care of, so I became a SAHM. And a sort of a pariah for many years. I remember meeting one of my former professors in the street once while pushing a baby carriage with my (two by then) kids--and the way he shook his head and said out loud that who would have imagined that I would turn out so badly.
I was young when I had my first two kids--I was 28 when I got pregnant the first time. Fast forward to 10 years later when my female classmates had established their careers and decided they wished to have kids too. Suddenly everything became very different. At reunions women openly talked about how differently they felt about things once they had become mothers, and the ones that were forced to continue working while their children were under five, for financial reasons, were very unhappy about it.
Generally speaking (there are some exceptions) I think that women who want to have a child also want to be with the child. Because, what''s the point, otherwise? There is this sort of ideal in women''s heads, when a baby is an abstract thing, where they remain just the same and are very career oriented, but once the actual baby is there, there are few who enjoy being separated for long, long hours from their child. Once the child is school age is a different story, but few mothers of infants like this separation. Being away from a baby under a year old, especially, seems to be something that most women ONLY do for financial reasons.
So my answer is that it''s easier to decide to be a SAHM if you have a high income, because then you are what is now considered the ''lucky few'' who can afford to afford to do so.
Children don''t really take that long to grow up, and when they are grown up, you can move ahead with your life in other ways. I teach in college and started doing that again part time once my kids were older. Of course, I am an adjunct, rather than even trying to be a professor (much less one with tenure), but that''s just fine. When I look at my grown children, doing well, it seems to me to have been well worth it. One of my kids turned out to be bipolar, also and has other health problems as well--I can''t even imagine what would have happened to him, if I hadn''t had lots and lots of time for him (and his drs. and his IEPs and accomodations at school, and the tutoring he needed, etc. etc.) Also, I know that being at home is a reason that I was able to stay married to the same husband for 27 years (and we are still in love). Marriages, like children, do better when you can put some time into them, which is sort of hard when both spouses are running around like gerbils on a treadmill, only waving at each other in passing.
JMHO. But I have read these posts with interest and the wisest ones seem to me to be the ones where women are not spending the second income, but saving it for in case they want to be a SAHM someday, and sort of not getting used to spending two incomes, because one day they might only have one.

 

[merrijoy]

Date: 4/10/2010 5:45:23 PM
Author: Black Jade
I went to an Ivy League school way back in the day--not part of the very class that allowed women to attend but attended soon after that when it was a still a new thing to have women being educated there. We were all told constantly how fortunate we were and how we were pioneers and how we had to not let all women down by 'copping out' and staying at home once we had kids (if we even did have kids. It was strongly implied that being a mom at all was not a good choice to make, since it was much more important to prove that we could everything else just the same as men). Anyway, I ate all this up--until I had my first child. There was no way that I was going to leave that child for someone else to take care of, so I became a SAHM. And a sort of a pariah for many years. I remember meeting one of my former professors in the street once while pushing a baby carriage with my (two by then) kids--and the way he shook his head and said out loud that who would have imagined that I would turn out so badly.
I was young when I had my first two kids--I was 28 when I got pregnant the first time. Fast forward to 10 years later when my female classmates had established their careers and decided they wished to have kids too. Suddenly everything became very different. At reunions women openly talked about how differently they felt about things once they had become mothers, and the ones that were forced to continue working while their children were under five, for financial reasons, were very unhappy about it.
Generally speaking (there are some exceptions) I think that women who want to have a child also want to be with the child. Because, what's the point, otherwise? There is this sort of ideal in women's heads, when a baby is an abstract thing, where they remain just the same and are very career oriented, but once the actual baby is there, there are few who enjoy being separated for long, long hours from their child. Once the child is school age is a different story, but few mothers of infants like this separation. Being away from a baby under a year old, especially, seems to be something that most women ONLY do for financial reasons.
So my answer is that it's easier to decide to be a SAHM if you have a high income, because then you are what is now considered the 'lucky few' who can afford to afford to do so.
Children don't really take that long to grow up, and when they are grown up, you can move ahead with your life in other ways. I teach in college and started doing that again part time once my kids were older. Of course, I am an adjunct, rather than even trying to be a professor (much less one with tenure), but that's just fine. When I look at my grown children, doing well, it seems to me to have been well worth it. One of my kids turned out to be bipolar, also and has other health problems as well--I can't even imagine what would have happened to him, if I hadn't had lots and lots of time for him (and his drs. and his IEPs and accomodations at school, and the tutoring he needed, etc. etc.) Also, I know that being at home is a reason that I was able to stay married to the same husband for 27 years (and we are still in love). Marriages, like children, do better when you can put some time into them, which is sort of hard when both spouses are running around like gerbils on a treadmill, only waving at each other in passing.
JMHO. But I have read these posts with interest and the wisest ones seem to me to be the ones where women are not spending the second income, but saving it for in case they want to be a SAHM someday, and sort of not getting used to spending two incomes, because one day they might only have one.

I am not the best at getting my thoughts out, so please excuse me if this seems rambling. While your post is very wise - I am actually printing it out for my husband to read because it is a lot of how I feel, we live in a high COL area. I went into some pretty bad depression last year because of these feelings - ie no time with my husband, pushing further into the advancing careers (my husband moreso, I am happy being a worker bee and not a manager/director) - where does it end? Where does the push for bigger, better, end. I hate it. I want to move to a shoe box in the middle of the country and live like nomads just so I can have time with my husband. We bought our house last year because we thought we wanted kids, and while I still kinda do, I feel I can't because of the thoughts you expressed here. Right now, I can not afford to stay home. We have $70,000 in student loans, $20,000 in wedding costs, etc to pay off. I feel like it just won't end. The expenses and my husbands wants (mainly related to fishing - ie a boat, fishing gear, etc) will never end and I wll never be able to be a mom. But, I also fear as others have expressed here, staying home and becoming a "droan", not talking to another adult about non baby stuff all day for a few years, I don't know. I don't think my need for stimulation brain can handle that. Also, I am in IT and 99% of programmers are men for a reason - you have to continuously keep learning new technology and it takes A LOT of time and dedication to do so. I am behind the 8 ball already, being 2+ years out of programming is drastic. I can't say that I have the full dedication right now. I can't even bring myself to create a project on the side. You always have to be working on side projects. I want to LIVE. I want to relax and enjoy outings, the landscapes, the world. We got lost in the need to have a bigger house for the future kids, now we are stuck. I had buyers remorse even before we moved in.

I am sorry for the tangent, I just admire (a bit jealous probably) those that have the lifestyle I want. The ability to put a whole person's salary in the bank. With our mortgage, our loans, helping my family if necessary, I just don't feel like we will ever get there.

. And I am not a spender, I don't buy diamonds, purses, clothes, we don't eat out much.

That is my take for now. I think my post is self explanatory that I get what the OP wrote, if you don't have, you don't want. It is hard to go backwards once you have. If you step backwards, you lose the "lifestyle" you created, the circle of friends, aquaintances, etc.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Merrijoy, hang in there. You *will* be able to have a family. These things work themselves out. I''m not saying it won''t take sacrifices or changes, but I know you can do it.


Black Jade, I enjoyed reading your post. I have just decided to become a SAHM. We have a 6 month old baby girl, and I decided to give being a working mom a try, especially because things weren''t going well in DH''s industry when we found out I was pregnant, and I was offered the 12th grade AP classes (I''m a high school English teacher), and there was a sweet grant to go along with it that made my salary not suck anymore . . . Well, even though I finally got the job I always wanted, it turned out I didn''t want it any more when it meant I couldn''t feel I was doing justice to my roles as mother, wife, friend, and, well, ME. At the end of the day, I''m not willing to accept success as a teacher as a trade for enjoying the rest of my life.

But to answer the original poster''s question, I think money has something to do with it, of course. You have to be able to survive on your partner''s income to be a SAHM to begin with. If you bring in the majority of your joint income, I''m sure it is very hard to give up from a practical standpoint. If, however, you and your husband both make a lot, then I guess it comes down to your personality and goals. We always talked about living on one income to prepare for me staying home, but, well, dinners out and trips and little purchases here and there (diamonds!) managed to eat up our discretionary income. However did that happen?

I know we''ll have to change some things and figure them out as we go along.

I also think the stress level of your job makes a difference. I know a lot of women who talk about being able to surf the internet at work, have adult interaction, etc. They don''t want to give that up to be at home. Sure, I get the summers off, but the rest of the year I run around like a crazy person trying to grade essays and make copies and pee during my 6 minute break between classes. My work hours are 8 to 4, so it''s not like I get home at 1:30 or anything like that. I just start to decompress over the summer, and then it''s time to head back to work. I''m ready to move on.