is it bad to ask you to return the jewelry he gave you?

[Arkteia]

My son was dating this girl for almost 2 years. When she turned 18, I gave her a small diamond pendant - a girl should receive a nice gem at 18. She put it in a box. Then I brought her these opals. The thanked me and put them in a box. Then I gave her diamond earrings for her 19-th birthday. She thanked me and never wore them.

My son gave her a Photoshop. She still uses it, I believe. Then he gave her a topaz ring which she put in a box (I believe she was quite happy to receive a gift from him, though. She is just young and shy and is not used to wearing jewelry. Her mother doesn't). Then he gave her small blings - he is a student - and she put them in a box.

My son broke up with her. I do not think it is was the right decision, and he misses, her, too, but what is done is done. He is 20 - you don't think far ahead when you are this age.

When he told me he dumped her, I asked him, "I hope, you did not ask her to return the jewelry back?"
And he said, no, of course not. And I said, thanks God.
And then he asked me, "but what is wrong in asking a girl to give back the jewelry?"
And that is where I stumbled. All I could think of was, "Well...it is not what a gentleman would do".

I still can not think of a good rationale for WHY A MAN SHOULD NOT ASK A WOMAN TO RETURN THE JEWELRY AFTER HE OR SHE BREAKS THE RELATIOHSIP.

When my friend was getting a divorce after a year of marriage, her husband (who loved her and showered her with gifts) asked for his jewelry, and she refused to give it back to him explaining that it was "her amortization cost". At least, she provided some plausible explanation...

So...what do you think? I just have this sense that it is morally wrong to ask her to give back the jewelry. Even if she doesn't wear it and keeps it in a box. Am I too old-fashioned? Read too many knight stories in my childhood?

 

[yssie]

Well... were they gifts or loans?




An engagement ring is a different case - not only is it generally a vastly more expensive undertaking (though those little baubles can add up, that''s for sure!), it''s a symbol of a promise to marry that I think should be given appropriately depending on who breaks that promise, and for what reasons.

 

[Arkteia]

Date: 2/8/2010 3:19:28 AM
Author: yssie
Well... were they gifts or loans?




An engagement ring is a different case - not only is it generally a vastly more expensive undertaking (though those little baubles can add up, that''s for sure!), it''s a symbol of a promise to marry that I think should be given appropriately depending on who breaks that promise, and for what reasons.

No, they were gifts. Absolutely. But I have seen people asking to give their gifts back, too.
As to engagement rings...If a woman breaks the engagement, it would be decent if she gives him back the ring - at the moment when she is telling him about it. If a man breaks up an engagement...Well, I''ve seen so many girls, all in tears, telling me how everything went well and they didn''t expect it at all...if he also asks for the ring, it will be the final blow, I think. Although if it happened to me, I''d be over the broken engagement sooner since I despise shallow, greedy people.

 

[VRBeauty]

The tradition (and it may also be the law) is that if a woman breaks an engagement, she returns the engagement ring. If a man breaks an engagement, the woman is not expected to return the ring. An engagement ring is in effect a contract that there will be a marriage to follow, so whoever breaks the engagement loses out on the ring.

There is no such expectation for other gifts in a "courtship" or friendship. As Yssie pointed out, they're gifts, not loans.

ETA to answer your original question, yes, I think it is bad form to ask for the return of something given as a gift, so your son did good. I suppose it might be a different story if your son had given a piece of jewelry that was a family heirloom, but the ex girlfriend still would not have been under any obligation to return it.

 

[MissMina]

A gift is a gift. No take backs. Every once in awhile my DS
is looking for something and then remembers "Oh I gave it to
so and so".

As for engagement rings, etiquette says they should be returned.
But state laws vary widely.

 

[Rhea]

A gift shouldn''t be asked for back. Except for engagement rings they are unconditional.

I once had a boyfriend ask for the jewellery he''d given me back. Two rings that he''d spent about $450 on total from the mall. I said that he could have those back if he was willing to give back the gifts I''d given him, which included a watch and expensive video games. He couldn''t see how they were related. According to him the jewellery he gave me was conditional and like promise rings whereas the stuff I''d given him wasn''t. I didn''t give them back, my understanding was that they were Christmas and birthday gifts, same as mine were to him.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Unless it''s an engagement broken prior to marriage (and only if she breaks it off), any jewelry given is a gift and does not need to be returned.

 

[Cehrabehra]

the ONLY exception I believe in morally speaking is if SHE dumps HIM and SHE has HIS family heirlooms. To me those should be returned - but if he dumps her then all bets are off. This isn''t about your son though - just random lol

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 2/8/2010 6:56:22 AM
Author: Addy
A gift shouldn't be asked for back. Except for engagement rings they are unconditional.

I once had a boyfriend ask for the jewellery he'd given me back. Two rings that he'd spent about $450 on total from the mall. I said that he could have those back if he was willing to give back the gifts I'd given him, which included a watch and expensive video games. He couldn't see how they were related. According to him the jewellery he gave me was conditional and like promise rings whereas the stuff I'd given him wasn't. I didn't give them back, my understanding was that they were Christmas and birthday gifts, same as mine were to him.

Agreed!

And I love that you told your ex that and didn't give the rings back, Addy. What an idiot! And I never get why a guy would want jewelry back. What's he going to do with it? Actually-a guy who would ask for jewelry back is probably the same type of guy who would regift it to his next girlfriend and pretend it was new.

I was just talking about this last night, actually. My friend's ex bought her a scooter and she gave it back to him when they broke up. I was like "Um WHY?! If someone gives me something, it's mine forever!" I've never given someone back jewelry or any other gift when we broke up.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 2/8/2010 8:49:38 AM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 2/8/2010 6:56:22 AM

Author: Addy

A gift shouldn''t be asked for back. Except for engagement rings they are unconditional.


I once had a boyfriend ask for the jewellery he''d given me back. Two rings that he''d spent about $450 on total from the mall. I said that he could have those back if he was willing to give back the gifts I''d given him, which included a watch and expensive video games. He couldn''t see how they were related. According to him the jewellery he gave me was conditional and like promise rings whereas the stuff I''d given him wasn''t. I didn''t give them back, my understanding was that they were Christmas and birthday gifts, same as mine were to him.

Agreed!


And I love that you told your ex that and didn''t give the rings back, Addy. What an idiot! And I never get why a guy would want jewelry back. What''s he going to do with it? Actually-a guy who would ask for jewelry back is probably the same type of guy who would regift it to his next girlfriend and pretend it was new.

I was just talking about this last night, actually. My friend''s ex bought her a scooter and she gave it back to him when they broke up. I was like ''Um WHY?! If someone gives me something, it''s mine forever!'' I''ve never given someone back jewelry or any other gift when we broke up.

I don''t understand either! It''s a gift. Chances are that the gifts were given both ways, your friend probably gave her ex a gift like she got a scooter! I did ask the ex-bf what he planned do with the rings, he said that he didn''t know. I sold one of the rings and gave the other to my mother who really likes it and wears it a lot. He''s the only bf who has ever asked for anything back. I often wonder if the e-ring he received back from another ex (before they married) is on his wife''s finger

 

[jewelz617]

Jewelry is a gift. So it would be bad to ask her to return them for sure.

Now if it was an engagement ring, you give that back. An engagement ring is like making a promise, so if the engagement/promise was not fulfilled, you give it back.

Sorry about what your son is going through. Breakups are rough at any age

 

[radiantquest]

Date: 2/8/2010 3:52:14 AM
Author: VRBeauty
The tradition (and it may also be the law) is that if a woman breaks an engagement, she returns the engagement ring. If a man breaks an engagement, the woman is not expected to return the ring. An engagement ring is in effect a contract that there will be a marriage to follow, so whoever breaks the engagement loses out on the ring.

There is no such expectation for other gifts in a ''courtship'' or friendship. As Yssie pointed out, they''re gifts, not loans.

ETA to answer your original question, yes, I think it is bad form to ask for the return of something given as a gift, so your son did good. I suppose it might be a different story if your son had given a piece of jewelry that was a family heirloom, but the ex girlfriend still would not have been under any obligation to return it.

Yup. That is exactly what I was going to type.

I think that it should be looked at as any other type of gift. You wouldnt get someone a sweater as a gift and then when the relationship is over ask for the sweater back. It is the same thing it just happens that it is jewelry.

 

[elrohwen]

I don''t think a guy should ask for it back - it''s a gift.

However, when I had some jewelry left over from a relationship (no ering though) I really wanted to give it back because I knew I would never wear it again. He wouldn''t take it, so I ended up throwing it away after a while

It wasn''t valuable enough to sell for anything really and I just didn''t want it around anymore.

 

[lilyfoot]

Yes, I think it''d be bad manners to ask for any gift back, including jewelry.

Personally, if I had an heirloom piece of a BF''s, and we broke up, I''d insist on giving it back.

 

[Arkteia]

Date: 2/8/2010 9:52:52 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678
Jewelry is a gift. So it would be bad to ask her to return them for sure.

Now if it was an engagement ring, you give that back. An engagement ring is like making a promise, so if the engagement/promise was not fulfilled, you give it back.

Sorry about what your son is going through. Breakups are rough at any age

Thank you. Yes, he is getting through difficult time since he finally realized his own mistake, and I miss her, too. She was not a jewelry or clothes person at all, but she was kind and smart and I liked her. Too many people told me it won''t last long because they started too young. Also, he is a handsome kid, and I am afraid that too many people were saying it to him when they were dating. Hence the result. She cried and fell apart...but only for a couple of days. And then she simply decided she could not trust him anymore.

 

[tlh]

It isn''t just poor manners it is a gift. No matter the cost. When dating a guy I gifted window tinting for his car - it wasn''t cheap, and was about what a cute piece of jewelry would have cost. Did I go into his car and take a razor blade and scratch off the tinting? NO. Do I return the jewelry, no.

A gift is a gift, no matter the cost or form. An engagement ring is different. That was given w/ consideration. Whenever there is a contract, you have an offer, acceptance, and consideration.
A man proposes.. will you marry me? (offer)
YES, YES YES (acceptance)
Places ring on finger (consideration)

This is why an engagement ring is different. The proposal is an actual VERBAL CONTRACT - the ring is consideration. If either party doesnot actually go through with the marriage - the ring must be returned to the purchaser - because the contract was broken. This is why an engagement ring is different.

Jewelry is a gift. I bought you this... oh it is beautiful - thank you. There is no contract by accepting the item. So it belongs to the person who received the gift... and is the property of the recipient... no matter if the relationship disolves.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

great explainations everyone!

A gift is a gift, you can''t/don''t ask for it back.

An engagement ring is a symbol of a promise, a verbal contract, and should be given back if she breaks off the engagement. if he breaks it off, well then, you''ve got yourself a nice pendant

 

[Hest88]

Right, what everyone else said.

Tangentially, though...I always thought if I were passing jewelry down I''d make sure it were passed through daughters or nieces---down the direct family line. I''ve heard of way too many cases where a mom give a son some family heirloom to give to his fiancee and then when they end up getting divorced she takes off with the heirloom. I supposed it''s cynical to think that way, but it seems to be too common to ignore.

 

[swingirl]

You should never ask someone to return a gift. But even if she did gave back the jewelry what would your son do with it? Hopefully not "loan" it to his next girlfriend.

I better have a talk with my 19 year old son!

And an engagement ring is actually a promise to marry. It's a symbol that the man will return to collect his bride. A tradition that is a bit outdated today but that's why if the woman breaks it off she returns the ring.

 

[Bliss]

I would happily give back all the jewelry from an ex, especially because I would probably not want to wear it anymore. Engagement rings definitely should go back. DH was my first boyfriend and some time after we got engaged, I asked for a break. I needed to find myself, become my own person and concentrate on my career. I tried to give the ring back many a time but he refused. He said it was a gift from the heart and that if I ever needed money, I should sell it because he cared about my well being. Of course, I never did any such thing and it sat in the bank for a long time. It was really romantic to give it back to him so that he could propose all over again with our original diamond. Sigh.

For family heirlooms, I hope to have a daughter or niece to pass on my jewelry. I'm already collecting pieces for her, whoever she turns out to be! I have also seen families pass heirlooms down to daughters-in-law and when the couple splits, those pieces never come back. I feel that would be very sad.

 

[Laila619]

I agree, jewelry is a gift. I still have some of the ugly stuff my exes gave me sitting around in various jewelry boxes, lol. None of them would have ever been so rude as to ask for me to give it back.

 

[upgrade]

I agree with everyone else. A gift is a gift.

I believe an engagement ring should be offered back if she breaks the engagement, likewise a family heirloom should be offered back if she breaks up with him (although if he breaks up with her, I don''t think he can ask for the heirloom back- he should have thought about that before giving it to her!). I also think though that engagement rings and heirloom pieces ought not to be offered unless a relationship is very, very serious.

Your son did the right thing.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 2/8/2010 6:56:22 AM
Author: Addy
A gift shouldn''t be asked for back. Except for engagement rings they are unconditional.

I once had a boyfriend ask for the jewellery he''d given me back. Two rings that he''d spent about $450 on total from the mall. I said that he could have those back if he was willing to give back the gifts I''d given him, which included a watch and expensive video games. He couldn''t see how they were related. According to him the jewellery he gave me was conditional and like promise rings whereas the stuff I''d given him wasn''t. I didn''t give them back, my understanding was that they were Christmas and birthday gifts, same as mine were to him.

I love it!

I would never wear jewelry from a past relationship (In fact, tossed it all in the trash) BUT a gift is a gift.

Family pieces are still gifts but I think the woman should give them back even before they are asked for. (out of respect for the family that welcomed her)


I see no difference between a cute RHR (pendant, bracelet, whatever) for a b-day and the stuff we buy guys for their b-days. Stereos for cars, power tools, crystal wine sets, and more. (often these cost at least as much as the jewelry they buy as gifts)

 

[LilyKat]

Because you don't ask for a gift back. From anyone.

If you're going to be wanting it back - don't give it in the first place!

 

[Lew Lew]

Ethically, no I don''t think you should ask for your stuff back if you gave it to someone.

Legally, you can get your stuff back depending on whether or not the gift was made in contemplation of marriage. If it is a gift not made in contemplation of marriage, then it is considered a completed gift, and the giver cannot legally compel the recipient to return the gift. However, if the gift was made in contemplation of marriage (e.g., an engagement ring or watch other items you give to your fiance or fiancee), then each state has different rules regarding what the giver can or cannot get back from the recipient. For example, in New York if the marriage does not take place, the gift-giver may seek the return of any “chattel, money or securities or real property", AND, it is not based on who broke off the engagement (courts don''t want to get into who or who was not at fault in breaking off the engagement). So not only can the man can get back an engagement ring, but the woman can get back any items she gave the man, if the gifts were engagement gifts. Fascinating things one can learn in a business law class...

 

[Arkteia]

Date: 2/8/2010 12:18:00 PM
Author: Hest88
Right, what everyone else said.


Tangentially, though...I always thought if I were passing jewelry down I''d make sure it were passed through daughters or nieces---down the direct family line. I''ve heard of way too many cases where a mom give a son some family heirloom to give to his fiancee and then when they end up getting divorced she takes off with the heirloom. I supposed it''s cynical to think that way, but it seems to be too common to ignore.

I always thought it would be nice to wait for a granddaughter and pass it over to her. But what (if) I have a grandson? Most boys these days are totally ignorant about heirloom, even if they know it is of importance to their parents or grandparents. Leave old silver spoons in old apartments, lose gold crosses...what not. Most women, at least, like jewelry. But to a degree, you are right - if I like the girl, I''d probably give it to her because she made my kid''s life good - if for a while - but if I am not sure who she really is, I''d wait till I see.

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 2/8/2010 1:47:47 PM
Author: LilyKat
Because you don''t ask for a gift back. From anyone.

If you''re going to be wanting it back - don''t give it in the first place!

Exactly!!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Heirlooms and e-ring only. I cannot imagine anyone asking for anything else back. It would be tacky.

 

[Steel]

Tell him ''because there are no take backsies''.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think gifts should never be asked to be returned. I would be horrified if my daughter asked a future ex to return gifts she got him. I don''t think rudeness is sexist