Is is a vent

[mariewest]

I go back and forth between being ok with the waiting, but today I am just down right bitter about the sitation. Yesterday was my birthday and although I wasn''t expecting a proposal, I had the thought in my head. It started out a nice day, my parents sent flowers to my work, and then my SO stopped by with a dessert (candle and all) and a cute card. Then when I went home, SO wanted to know where we should go to dinner and I suggested a place. It''s a little on the expensive side depending on what you decide to get, so I showed him the menu online and he complaining about the chicken and seafood being over priced, etc. So I was like, ok, lets go someplace else then. It kinda ruins it when you have someone complaining about the money. I even said I would pay for half of it. The dinner didn''t turn out to be that expensive because I just drank water and we both got something cheaper on the menu and I still had to pay some towards it. It''s my birthday, I figured he would offer to pick of the tab, not all of it, but he did pay more than me. Then he never gave me a birthday gift besides the dessert in the morning. I was a little disappointed. Not that it''s all about the material things, but I put thought and effort into his birthdays. Of course in the past years he only got me a card (his mom was having surgery that day), and we just went out to dinner last year (which is paid for.) I just figured he has more time this year, that maybe he would put more effort into it. For his birthday this year, I bought a cake, and beer, and took him out to dinner, and got him a gift (which i spend less than past years on, but it was still a reasonable amount.) My parents didn''t even do anything else for me, which they usually do.

I guess all of that combined is getting to me today, Why can''t he get it together and put some effort into making what we''ve talked about happen? He''s leaving for grad. school in a couple weeks and we already found an apartment out there, but I''m not moving out of state until I find a job there. I have told him many times that I would prefer to get engaged before I make a major move, and I feel like after 1 1/2+ years of talking about it, he should have made it happen. I know it comes down to money, but wouldn''t someone be able to save for it in over a year if they wanted to?

I don''t want to be bitter, but I am.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Oh hun, I''m so sorry that you didn''t have a good birthday.

I know what you mean, because I''m not materialistic, but I do expect a bit of extra effort on my birthday! I figured out long ago that if the person I was with couldn''t compromise if he knew something was important to me, the relationship was doomed. Perhaps you should talk to him and make him understand that you want to feel special on your birthday.
How long have you been together?

 

[mariewest]

We''ve been together for 2 years and a little over 7 months.

 

[mrscushion]

Happy belated birthday!

mariewest, honestly, this doesn''t sound too good to me. I don''t like that he''s not putting more thought into your birthdays. If he is tight on money right now, there would be many inexpensive ways to make you feel super-special on your birthday.

I know you say you''re torn between being OK with waiting and not OK with it. The other day, he told you it was going to take 2 years till he has the money to propose with a ring. Now you say you feel a tinge of disappointment that it didn''t happen on your birthday. There are a lot of birthdays and other special days in two years. Are you prepared to feel disappointed on every one of them? After he told you 2008 was the year, and then told you "6 months," and now it''s 2 years ... and it doesn''t look like he''s really making up for the wait by putting tons of thought into making you feel special otherwise.

I dunno. This is one of the more critical posts I''ve written here on PS, but something about your story really touches me and I just want to say, be careful, particularly as with this potential move and changing your life for him.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Date: 8/7/2009 1:15:43 PM
Author: mscushion
Happy belated birthday!

mariewest, honestly, this doesn''t sound too good to me. I don''t like that he''s not putting more thought into your birthdays. If he is tight on money right now, there would be many inexpensive ways to make you feel super-special on your birthday.

I know you say you''re torn between being OK with waiting and not OK with it. The other day, he told you it was going to take 2 years till he has the money to propose with a ring. Now you say you feel a tinge of disappointment that it didn''t happen on your birthday. There are a lot of birthdays and other special days in two years. Are you prepared to feel disappointed on every one of them? After he told you 2008 was the year, and then told you ''6 months,'' and now it''s 2 years ... and it doesn''t look like he''s really making up for the wait by putting tons of thought into making you feel special otherwise.

I dunno. This is one of the more critical posts I''ve written here on PS, but something about your story really touches me and I just want to say, be careful, particularly as with this potential move and changing your life for him.

Ditto

 

[purselover]

Happy belated birthday! I''m sorry it didn''t turn out the way you hoped.

I debated saying anything since you did say you were venting and I wasn''t sure you wanted to hear opinions, but here I go....

I just don''t think he''s ready to propose. He''s knows your feelings about moving and an engagement, he knows you feel ready to get married, he knows you''d compromise on your ring maybe look at gemstone or other rings etc to get engaged sooner, and he still hasn''t done anything. Why? Because he doesn''t want to. You have every reason to be bitter I would be too in this situation, I can''t even begin to imagine how hard it would be to want to get engaged to somehow who just doesn''t seem to want the same things.

I think you realize now you really have no desire to wait 2 years (or whatever new timeline he comes up with) and I think that''s the first step. There is no shame in wanting to get engaged, there is no shame in wanting to get engaged now, I think there is shame though in sitting by and letting that desire be denied for no good reason. I know he''s having unexpected expenses but there''s always unexpected expenses, there could always be more money to set aside for a ring, but the fact that he''s unwilling to compromise and even look at other alterantives to an expensive diamond is telling. You can always get engaged if you want to, there''s always a way of making it happen, trust me I''m marrying a poor student myself.

As for how he treated you last night, I think that''s just unacceptable, to not even offer to pay 100% for your birthday dinner, and to try to dismiss your restaurant choice because it''s too expensive, is just rude! I''m assuming you didn''t run up a $500 tab so what''s a few extra dollars on your birthday? I really think you deserved better than that especially considering the effort you put into his. I really think you need to think long and hard before moving anywhere with him, will you still be okay with moving if in 3-4 years there''s still no engagement? Perhaps you should stay where you are until he proposes I would hate for you to give up your job and home to move with someone who isn''t willing to commit the way you''d like.

And I really do apologize if I''m out of line and upset you in anyway I swear that''s not my intent.

 

[mariewest]

Thanks girls. You''ve put it very nicely and not in a mean way at all which I thank you for. I have brought this up with him before about me wondering if he just isn''t ready and he assures me that is not why he hasn''t proposed yet, however I still wonder about it sometimes. I don''t want to force him to do something he doesn''t want to do, but I''ve told him I''m not waiting around forever for him. I want to see some real progress. Of course he said that I wouldn''t know if he''s saving or looking, etc, because he doesn''t want me to know so it can be a surprise. Well, I think I''m about ready to have him forefit that right, because I''m getting really anxious over this who situation. I know 2 1/2+ year isn''t that long, but I think it''s long enough. We''re both only 23, but we wouldn''t actual have the wedding until we''re 25, and I think that is an acceptable age, and by that point we will be dating for almost 5 years. It''s not like he hasn''t done anything to progress out relationship. He moved to my state and we got an apartment together for the spring/summer and things were really good. In his mind that is taking a step in the right direction, which it is, but the ultimate goal here is marriage not just living together.

 

[LilyKat]

I''m afraid that I agree with everyone else. It''s not about money - he could easily have gotten you an inexpensive or even home-made gift. I get the feeling it''s more about lack of effort, especially in relation to how much you did for him.

23 is young to get engaged, especially for a guy, but that''s not the point. If getting engaged in the next couple of years is something you want, and he isn''t on the same page, it''s a recipe for bitterness. I think it is completely reasonable to say you would prefer not to make a major move without being engaged. I would only do it if you would be ok in the new place even on your own. Don''t feel pressured into doing anything you''re not 100% happy with.

 

[suchende]

i suspect, in his mind, dessert and a candle at work *was* his gift.

is there any chance you were raised with different attitudes about gifts? my boyfriend lets me down at *every* gift-giving occasion. always. he grew up in a house with lots of money stress, and my parents are comfortable and very generous about gifts. i wonder if you are having a disconnect about how elaborate birthday gifts should be?

 

[mariewest]

Suchende - that''s what I have thought to, that maybe that was it, but I feel like that''s pretty lame. I know he is capable of more. Besides birthday''s, for example this christmas he gave me a nice digital photo frame that I have in my office. It was a nice surprise to have him stop by my office with a treat before he had to go to work. He went to the store and bought it, and he was asking me about what type of dessert I like the day before, and he had a nice card, so he did think about it before.

 

[Indylady]

Mariewest, I think you've got a lot on your mind, and you/others are using this one event as a larger metaphor for your relationship. I don't think that this is a great idea.

He didn't get you a 'present' and you are disappointed. Did you tell him you wanted a present?

Sure, that sounds like a silly question. I am sure you're thinking, "its my birthday, of course I want a present!!" But, he might not have guessed this if you didn't make it clear. He did remember your birthday. He did do something thoughtful. It just wasn't enough, right?

So next time, a couple months before your birthday, remind him your birthday is coming up, and that you'd like something nice, that you've had your eye on this and that, or that you're expecting jewelery/whatever else you might like. If you have expectations, its only fair that he knows what they are.

 

[Indylady]

And a belated Happy Birthday to you! I really hope I didn''t sound too harsh in my other post...all I''m saying is that life''s short, don''t sweat the small stuff. And next time, if you''re looking forward to a particular type/level of present on an event, tell him!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Happy Belated Birthday!!

Okay...I debated how to phrase what I''m going to say, I think I''m just to blurt it out.

He made you split dinner? And you''re moving across out of state to be with him? I''m all good with women being equal providers in a relationship (I know I am, I work very hard) but I also think that there is a time and place where a woman should be treated...and if not her birthday, then when?

You''re giving up a lot for this relationship. Whether it seems that way or not, in black and white you are. Moving, leaving your job to follow him so he can have dreams are realized...that''s a lot. You''ve asked to be engaged before it happened--that''s not your reality. And yet you''re still moving forward with these plans and being disappointed along the way. I guess I wonder why.

If you''re not happy...you need to tell him. Thats what it boils down to. You can''t be in a relationship with someone and feel let down...even over the silly things.

 

[Diva0413]

Date: 8/7/2009 7:07:08 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Happy Belated Birthday!!

Okay...I debated how to phrase what I''m going to say, I think I''m just to blurt it out.

He made you split dinner? And you''re moving across out of state to be with him? I''m all good with women being equal providers in a relationship (I know I am, I work very hard) but I also think that there is a time and place where a woman should be treated...and if not her birthday, then when?

You''re giving up a lot for this relationship. Whether it seems that way or not, in black and white you are. Moving, leaving your job to follow him so he can have dreams are realized...that''s a lot. You''ve asked to be engaged before it happened--that''s not your reality. And yet you''re still moving forward with these plans and being disappointed along the way. I guess I wonder why.

If you''re not happy...you need to tell him. Thats what it boils down to. You can''t be in a relationship with someone and feel let down...even over the silly things.

Ditto. Very well said.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 8/7/2009 7:07:08 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Happy Belated Birthday!!

Okay...I debated how to phrase what I''m going to say, I think I''m just to blurt it out.

He made you split dinner? And you''re moving across out of state to be with him? I''m all good with women being equal providers in a relationship (I know I am, I work very hard) but I also think that there is a time and place where a woman should be treated...and if not her birthday, then when?

You''re giving up a lot for this relationship. Whether it seems that way or not, in black and white you are. Moving, leaving your job to follow him so he can have dreams are realized...that''s a lot. You''ve asked to be engaged before it happened--that''s not your reality. And yet you''re still moving forward with these plans and being disappointed along the way. I guess I wonder why.

If you''re not happy...you need to tell him. Thats what it boils down to. You can''t be in a relationship with someone and feel let down...even over the silly things.

Yup!

Relationships should not be one disappointment after another and it sounds like your ability to communicate with one another isn''t too fantastic. Time to start having some real conversations with him about what it is you both want now and in the future and how you are going to work together to achieve those things. Continuing on, hoping he''ll start to understand isn''t going to fix things, you''ll only become resentful (espcially after moving away from your already established life).

 

[trishy]

im wishing for the best when i say this...

is it possible he is complaining about the expensive dinner and didnt get you any other gift, cuz he is saving up for, or already trying to pay off a ring, that you dont know about? i read in your post that he wants it to be a surprise, so you wont know, but if you guys live together maybe you know his expenses...
i mean doesnt it seem odd that he had you pay part of the dinner on your birthday? could he already be paying for a ring? [or saving up for one?]

im sorry... that must''ve really hurt how he treated you, and especially on your birthday..

i wish you the absolute best. and happy belated birthday

 

[purrfectpear]

The romantic in me wants Trishy to be correct. I am secretly hoping that he is trying to hoard every penny for a ring to propose (thus the concern about the cost of dinner out).

The realist in me says don''t you even think about moving. If it''s the real deal it will survive a distance until the ring is on your finger.

The practical me says just discuss it with him. Things that fester will destroy a relationship faster than any other factor. Trust me on this.

 

[PrincessLily2009]

Every relationship is different, but I don''t think anyone should have to specifically tell their special person that they would like a gift on their birthday. Also, I would be very hurt if my SO let me pay for my own birthday dinner, and he would be a little hurt if he had to pay for his birthday dinner, too.

Maybe you should be a bit more clear about what you expect? I know it''s not romantic, but I make sure to spell things out for my boyfriend, because I find that when I don''t, I end up disappointed.

As a side note, in the year leading up to our break up, my boyfriend became increasingly nonchalant about special events and increasingly cheap. I''m not in any way saying your relationship is headed in that direction, I''m just saying that it can be a red flag, and I would wait before making any life changes for this guy.

 

[suchende]

Date: 8/8/2009 4:50:14 PM
Author: PrincessLily2009
Every relationship is different, but I don''t think anyone should have to specifically tell their special person that they would like a gift on their birthday. Also, I would be very hurt if my SO let me pay for my own birthday dinner, and he would be a little hurt if he had to pay for his birthday dinner, too.


Maybe you should be a bit more clear about what you expect? I know it''s not romantic, but I make sure to spell things out for my boyfriend, because I find that when I don''t, I end up disappointed.


As a side note, in the year leading up to our break up, my boyfriend became increasingly nonchalant about special events and increasingly cheap. I''m not in any way saying your relationship is headed in that direction, I''m just saying that it can be a red flag, and I would wait before making any life changes for this guy.

Lily brings up a good point. In fact, I know that some of my male friends have been advised by other guys to use this "nonchalance" approach to force a girl to dump you.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 8/7/2009 7:07:08 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Happy Belated Birthday!!

Okay...I debated how to phrase what I''m going to say, I think I''m just to blurt it out.

He made you split dinner? And you''re moving across out of state to be with him? I''m all good with women being equal providers in a relationship (I know I am, I work very hard) but I also think that there is a time and place where a woman should be treated...and if not her birthday, then when?

You''re giving up a lot for this relationship. Whether it seems that way or not, in black and white you are. Moving, leaving your job to follow him so he can have dreams are realized...that''s a lot. You''ve asked to be engaged before it happened--that''s not your reality. And yet you''re still moving forward with these plans and being disappointed along the way. I guess I wonder why.

If you''re not happy...you need to tell him. Thats what it boils down to. You can''t be in a relationship with someone and feel let down...even over the silly things.

Ditto this. I would not move to another city for a guy who has moved the engagement timeline back TWO YEARS. Not to mention the fact that he can''t even buy you a real present on your birthday. And he made you SPLIT your birthday dinner?! It''s a total cliche, but I really do think actions speak louder than words.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 8/8/2009 3:41:07 PM
Author: purrfectpear
The romantic in me wants Trishy to be correct. I am secretly hoping that he is trying to hoard every penny for a ring to propose (thus the concern about the cost of dinner out).


The realist in me says don''t you even think about moving. If it''s the real deal it will survive a distance until the ring is on your finger.


The practical me says just discuss it with him. Things that fester will destroy a relationship faster than any other factor. Trust me on this.

Purrfectpear, you put it in one heck of a nutshell! Straight and to the point. If/when I''m in a really sticky spot, I will be sure to call on you for your thoughts.

 

[sparklyheart]

Date: 8/7/2009 7:07:08 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Happy Belated Birthday!!

Okay...I debated how to phrase what I''m going to say, I think I''m just to blurt it out.

He made you split dinner? And you''re moving across out of state to be with him? I''m all good with women being equal providers in a relationship (I know I am, I work very hard) but I also think that there is a time and place where a woman should be treated...and if not her birthday, then when?

You''re giving up a lot for this relationship. Whether it seems that way or not, in black and white you are. Moving, leaving your job to follow him so he can have dreams are realized...that''s a lot. You''ve asked to be engaged before it happened--that''s not your reality. And yet you''re still moving forward with these plans and being disappointed along the way. I guess I wonder why.

If you''re not happy...you need to tell him. Thats what it boils down to. You can''t be in a relationship with someone and feel let down...even over the silly things.

Ditto.

He is right that you won''t know if he is saving for a ring.. but c''mon.. It''s your birthday! If he was worried about the cost of your birthday dinner then when you got home, he could have said "I''m taking you to (insert affordable restaurant name) for your birthday dinner" instead of complaining about the price and expecting you to pay for some of it. I wouldn''t move anywhere for him at this point. I''m sure other things in the relationship are good but it also sounds kind of like he''s more focused on himself than on you. I hope I''m wrong though!!

 

[Skychick]

Here''s another side:

My SO was raised witout getting very many presents and is also a triplet. Because of this, he never really got the "My b-day is MY DAY feeling" since he shared it wih 2 other people. I had to explain to him that my b-day is a big deal to me.

Does your SO know it means a lot to you?

 

[tlh]

Italia, you always say what I''m thinking... but better... even when you''re blunt... you''re still better with words.

PrincessLily bings up a VERY VALID point, and one I would tuck into the back of your brain. Because as suchende said... I too know a few gent who have pulled this approach with women so they wouldn''t have to be "the bad guy". One gent ni particular is notorious for stringing girls along until the last minute, when he says "no I don''t want you to move with me... i want to do this on my own for awhile..." and then lets the relationship naturally fade away. That way he can continue to "get friendly" while still in town. Not saying this is your guy... just that I know this to be true of both men and women at times.

I''m just not thrilled with this situation. Now, when I first started dating my hubby, he was POOR. WE WERE POOR. My birthday, I don''t really celebrate anyway. I only like to get a cake and a card, because honestly, I LOVE CAKE and will use any excuse to break my salad diet to eat it!

That said, he still got me a card. We didn''t go out to dinner, and I had to buy my own cake (it was pretty pathetic - but I had to have my cake), neither of us had a lot of money. I had a really nice CCARD limit, but no money to actually support it. He didn''t even have that. So when he gave me my card, he said that he wished he could have afforded to get me a gift. Yes, I did feel a little sad, that I had to buy my own birthday cake, because i don''t expect anything else, but I knew that we were both very poor. Christmas was also very meager that year. I did tell him, all I expect on my birthday is a cake and a card. Now that we have money, he still gets me gifts, even though I don''t want them. The thing is, you didn''t have to go out for dinner. He could have made you dinner and not spend any money.... I just think going dutch on a birthday dinner, is really anti-romantic. Anytime, I''m taking someone out for their birthday, I always treat... and this is anyone, not only my romantic partner. I don''t know how I''d handle this, other than just laying your expectations out there. Anyone that wants to have a long lasting relationship with marriage on the horizon, cares about your happiness, and wants you to feel a little special... especially with the big to do you did for his birthday.

Just wanted to give you a huge hug. I''m sorry your birthday wasn''t a little more special.

here''s a present and a cake...