Is internet chatting cheating?

[AdiS]

You seem like a strong and intelligent person, cnspotts. You refused to accept the blame when someone was trying to put it all on you and you stood up for yourself. That's worthy of admiration. I have a feeling that you're going to be just fine! All the best to you!

 

[pomjuice963]

Hi everyone, I'm back now & I have time to give a little more background of my situation, and also explain what I'm thinking that I'm going to do. Thanks again for all of your feedback.

JulieN, your post most struck a nerve with me - thanks so much for sharing your experience. I cheated on boyfriends when I was younger & lost the one that got away because of that. That was 15 years ago, & I have never cheated on a partner since then because I learned my lesson, so thank you for reminding me of what I have to lose if I do this.

Here's the deal - I've been with DH 7 years, married for 5 years. When we first met it took him several dates to work up the courage to kiss me, which was actually a refreshing change from the unwanted groping that I was getting from match.com dates. He told me that his last relationship had ended because he wasn't very physically affectionate (a year and a half earlier & he hadn't been with ANYONE since then - I should have taken that as a red flag) but he was really working on being more affectionate. When I met his parents, I noticed that they were not physically affectionate at all, so I figured that he never saw that behavior modeled, but since he wanted to be more affectionate, he would be. He did really make an effort, and the first 9 months of our relationship was great.

Unfortunately, it turned out that he also had a problem with premature ejaculation - not immediate, but about a minute into intercourse. When it happened the first couple of times, he said it was because he hadn't had sex in so long. Then it didn't happen anymore for a while, but I realized afterwards that was because he would drink A LOT (like 5 drinks) and that would totally eradicate the problem. However, when it happened once after we had been dating for almost a year, I brought it up it a casual & non-confrontational way, and he totally physically & emotionally shut down (like, what did he think, that I didn't notice when it happened?). I told him that it was no big deal, there were things we could do together to remedy it, but he flat-out refused to discuss it, and he emotionally withdrew for a few weeks. Things went back to normal though, it didn't happen that often, and we were still having sex several times a week.

We moved in together after we had been dating for about a year & a half, & that's when things started to get iffy for me. DH works very long hours & gets up at 5 am every day, so of course he is tired when he gets home at 7:30 pm. So, when he started falling asleep on the couch instead of initiating sex, I could understand that he was tired. But we went from having sex 5 times per week, to 2 or 3 times per week, and then eventually to once every week or two - it just seemed like his libido wasn't that high. He never turned me down if I initiated, but he would only initiate every week or two. I know that there was no **** issue, because I am fine with ****/erotica & have a collection, but he had none. He never looked at **** online, ever. I know that he isn't/wasn't having an affair, because whenever he wasn't at work he was with me, and he works in an all-male environment. He really just was one of those people who didn't have a high sex drive.

By this time we had been together for almost two years, I told him that we needed to go to sex therapy to see if we could ever become more compatible sexually. Literally a week after I brought it up, the tried & true birth control that I had been using for 15 years failed, and I found out that I was pregnant. He proposed & we got married. I did think about not having the baby (raising it by myself wasn't an option) but we kind of saw it as a message from the fates that we were supposed to be together, so we took the leap.

Fast forward a couple of years, and we started going to sex therapy when our son was 3. The sex had gotten really bad - it came out in therapy that he felt that he was being judged on his performance, which made him nervous & upset, and made sex worse. I could sense his hesitancy, which turned me off, because I like men to be dominant in the bedroom. So, we were only having sex about once or twice a month. The therapist is one of the best in the country & specializes in premature ejaculation, so I think he did about as well as he could with us. He told us that the problem was intimacy, and that because I came off as the "sex expert" to my husband he was afraid that he could never live up to my standards. Also, I'm into some light kink, and he just wasn't into it & it felt unnatural & forced to him, so he didn't want to do it anymore. DH had never told me any of this - we did a lot of exercises to work on our intimacy & closeness, which DH needed to feel turned on. Things did get better, DH was initiating sex, we were having it once a week, so I was much happier than before. However, I had to give up on the things that were turn-ons for me, and just be glad that at least I was getting vanilla sex.

We stopped going to sex therapy for a while when we had our second baby, and haven't resumed. However, remarkably, because I haven't tried to talk about sex at all, DH seems to be a lot more turned on & is initiating sex more frequently. Now we're having sex 2-3 times per week, and there is emotional intimacy with the sex (that was my problem before - it was more of a recreational than a love activity for me). He is also not having problems anymore with being premature.

I think that TGal had a point about it just being boring now because we've been together for so long, so I'm really considering that I just need to lower my expectations. Maybe we should go back to sex therapy because that seemed to be the only place that he felt comfortable talking about sex - I think that with a "ref" there, he didn't feel like I was criticizing or judging him.

I am worried to bring up the fact that things aren't all perfect and rosy, though, and that I'm still craving variety in the routine, because every time that I bring up our sex life he shuts down & takes it as a criticism, no matter how low-key I am about it. Since I haven't said anything for the past year, things have been MUCH BETTER but am I supposed to go through life walking on eggshells if I ever want to try anything new?

I do think that you guys are right, though, and that I just need to bite the bullet & talk to him about things. If he shuts down & withdraws, that's his problem, and not my fault. I do feel especially bad about thinking about having a "pen-pal" when he does seem to be trying harder than ever to be affectionate & intimate. But, I think that he would rather that I tell him how I am feeling than go behind his back.

I really do appreciate everyone's feedback - you are all right that he would probably not be happy if he found out, and honestly, I have felt kind of awful about even considering it, but the devil on my shoulder was egging me on. I really needed some people to slap some sense into me, so I'm really grateful that everyone took the time to offer their thoughtful opinions - I think that you all helped me dodge a bullet.

I will let you know what happens if/when I talk to DH ... until then, I better dust of those erotica books.

 

[Dancing Fire]

We moved in together after we had been dating for about a year & a half, & that's when things started to get iffy for me. DH works very long hours & gets up at 5 am every day,

so of course he is tired when he gets home at 7:30 pm

. So, when he started falling asleep on the couch instead of initiating sex, I could understand that he was tired.

But we went from having sex 5 times per week

, to 2 or 3 times per week, and then eventually to once every week or two - it just seemed like his libido wasn't that high. He never turned me down if I initiated, but he would only initiate every week or two. I know that there was no **** issue, because I am fine with ****/erotica & have a collection, but he had none. He never looked at **** online, ever. I know that he isn't/wasn't having an affair, because whenever he wasn't at work he was with me, and he works in an all-male environment. He really just was one of those people who didn't have a high sex drive.

5X per week??? give him a break, no wonder he's tired...

 

[lucyandroger]

Hi pomjuice, Maybe it would be easier to talk to your DH about sex if you boosted his confidence first. I could be completely off base but it sounds like maybe you only talk about sex when there is an issue to discuss so he immediately anticipates criticism. I would suggest after having sex that you tell your DH how amazing he was in bed (even if it's a little lie) and let him know all the things he did that you liked. After a few weeks of that, perhaps he will feel more confident and open to discussion about trying new things.

 

[fieryred33143]

Just out of curiousity pom, how is he with taking direction while having sex?

 

[Dreamer_D]

... The sex had gotten really bad - it came out in therapy that he felt that he was being judged on his performance, which made him nervous & upset, and made sex worse. I could sense his hesitancy, which turned me off, because I like men to be dominant in the bedroom. So, we were only having sex about once or twice a month. The therapist is one of the best in the country & specializes in premature ejaculation, so I think he did about as well as he could with us. He told us that the problem was intimacy, and that because I came off as the "sex expert" to my husband he was afraid that he could never live up to my standards. Also, I'm into some light kink, and he just wasn't into it & it felt unnatural & forced to him, so he didn't want to do it anymore. DH had never told me any of this - we did a lot of exercises to work on our intimacy & closeness, which DH needed to feel turned on. Things did get better, DH was initiating sex, we were having it once a week, so I was much happier than before. However, I had to give up on the things that were turn-ons for me, and just be glad that at least I was getting vanilla sex...

I think that the issues you are having are not about sex. It is about trust and perceived regard, and the fact that your husband does not feel 100% confident in your regard for him. Whether that is his own issues (likely given the back story) or how you relate to him (probably too) or a combination of the two, it sounds like he is feeling vulnerbale and insecure in his relationship with you. The above is what makes me think that. I think if you keep focusing on the sex issue it will only make him withdraw more and make you even more frustrated. And when he is feeling insecure he is not going to want to explore sexual behaviours that make him feel vulnerable. I bet you big money that if you can focus on the trust and regard issue and leave sex out of it for a good long while, say a year, then once he feels more loved and valued, then he will break out the dominance all you want and indulge your light kinks.

In a situation where one partner, in this case your husband, is feeling insecure, you could subsitute any other demand you were making on him and would see the same outcome as you have now -- withdrawl and shutting down. Imagine you wanted him to lose weight, wanted him to get a better job, wanted him to be more loving, wanted him to basically *change* for you. Any of those demands is potentially threatening to an insecure person because it implies that he, as he is, is not good enough. And in that scenerio, pushing more and making more demands will only make it worse. If you want a sensitive person to change in ways that make you happy, you have to help them be more secure and trusting in your first. THEN you can make the request and it will not be threatening.

I recommend couples councelling NOT for sex. Good lord, he must be so tired of the focus on sex. I am imagining being in his shoes and how immasculated and turned off I would feel. Work on the trust and security and the sex will follow.

 

[TooPatient]

Hi pomjuice, Maybe it would be easier to talk to your DH about sex if you boosted his confidence first. I could be completely off base but it sounds like maybe you only talk about sex when there is an issue to discuss so he immediately anticipates criticism. I would suggest after having sex that you tell your DH how amazing he was in bed (even if it's a little lie) and let him know all the things he did that you liked. After a few weeks of that, perhaps he will feel more confident and open to discussion about trying new things.

Gah!!!! -- Never highlight and then hit Backspace... deletes the post!

Anyway...
Great suggestion!

Build his confidence. Let him know what he does that you like. Maybe he'll even start doing those things more often to make you happier.... he might even start trying some new things to find more of what you like. (worked for me )
This isn't going to fix it magically overnight, but with time he might gain enough confidence to do some of what you've been looking for.

 

[Steel]

Not addressing the problems that you have raised, in order that you are stimulated while you work out how to better gel as a couple, I highly recommend you order a buckload of sex toys and **** and get busy when your DH is away. I am a huge proponent of self loving and it might have fringe benefits; not least you will continue to feel sexy and sexual (and get off) but your husband possibly may find it sexy too.

 

[Steel]

Hi pomjuice, Maybe it would be easier to talk to your DH about sex if you boosted his confidence first. I could be completely off base but it sounds like maybe you only talk about sex when there is an issue to discuss so he immediately anticipates criticism. I would suggest after having sex that you tell your DH how amazing he was in bed (even if it's a little lie) and let him know all the things he did that you liked. After a few weeks of that, perhaps he will feel more confident and open to discussion about trying new things.

Gah!!!! -- Never highlight and then hit Backspace... deletes the post!
Anyway...
Great suggestion!

Build his confidence. Let him know what he does that you like. Maybe he'll even start doing those things more often to make you happier.... he might even start trying some new things to find more of what you like. (worked for me )
This isn't going to fix it magically overnight, but with time he might gain enough confidence to do some of what you've been looking for.

I'm using IE. Next time try hitting control + Z together, the hot key for 'undo'.

 

[iLander]

I think you have seven year itch. It's a cliche, but like many cliches, it's true. After about 7 years, the novelty wears off, and the dulls set in. I've watched a lot of marriages dissolve, and a lot of separations happen, at the 7-8 year mark. Some people work through it, some don't,

Are you sure he didn't have some kind of trauma, when he was young? Women aren't the only victims of sexual abuse, as we all know.

And I think you've also laid out a lot of good reasons for him not to feel sexy: working all day, coming home tired, two young kids in the house. Doesn't sound like Caligula time to me, either!

Under those conditions, I think once a week is pretty decent, actually.

Maybe he has trouble switching gears. If he's worried about things at work, he may not be in a sexy frame of mind. I think some questions along the lines of "is anything bothering you?" and that type of thing may help. Dish out some encouragement, some love and then try communicating.

How is the rest of your relationship? Are you open with each other, or does he think he has to be the strong silent type?

Are you really sure it's sex you want? Maybe you really want intimacy and connection.

Can you think of a less strenuous, pressure-filled way to achieve intimacy and connection?

 

[decodelighted]

With the new information I'm a little bit more puzzled. And what I mean by that is: LADY, YOU'RE THE PROBLEM! Not really ... but 2x a week? With intimacy? W/o having to "talk" about it? Um: you're all good. Well ... by national standards at least. It doesn't mean its enough for you or the TYPE you'd prefer ... but C'MON COOKIE. Get real!

What % of folks do you figure are swinging from the chandeliers out there -- with two kids & jobs & real lives etc. I'm starting to think this is more of an "adjustment of expectations" issue than a "he was abused as a child" issue ... or a "he's boring" issue. Its partly habit at this point to label him as the "faulty sexual partner". Even though he's come A LONG WAY. And been willing to TRY! You may be able to cultivate this over time to get more of what you want (recreation, novelty, openness) ... and give more of what HE wants (affection, attention, intimacy, non-judgment, flattery) ... but I'd get busy being happy with what you H.A.V.E. I don't think you realize how "good" it is in the big scheme of things.

If you *had* ended up with someone with more complimentary kinks -- he might not be as good a partner ... or as committed ... or as loving etc. There would be different *gaps* in your relationship. Because no one gets a perfect package. And YOU aren't a perfect package. Yanno?

I do have a suggestion though ... re: spicing it up a TEENSY bit vs. where things are without assuming the dominant role (because you don't like that) or making an outright request of him (since he's sensitive to that). What about the ol' "I had a dream" routine. Blah blah "I had this crazy sexy dream you wouldn't believe. It was awesome." Let him TRY to resist asking what happened. And you fill in the blanks of a "daydream" you had vs. a "REM sleep dream". Okay -- so its a widdle fib.

 

[swingirl]

With the new information I'm a little bit more puzzled. And what I mean by that is: LADY, YOU'RE THE PROBLEM! Not really ... but 2x a week? With intimacy? W/o having to "talk" about it? Um: you're all good. Well ... by national standards at least. It doesn't mean its enough for you or the TYPE you'd prefer ... but C'MON COOKIE. Get real!

What % of folks do you figure are swinging from the chandeliers out there -- with two kids & jobs & real lives etc. I'm starting to think this is more of an "adjustment of expectations" issue than a "he was abused as a child" issue ... or a "he's boring" issue. Its partly habit at this point to label him as the "faulty sexual partner". Even though he's come A LONG WAY. And been willing to TRY! You may be able to cultivate this over time to get more of what you want (recreation, novelty, openness) ... and give more of what HE wants (affection, attention, intimacy, non-judgment, flattery) ... but I'd get busy being happy with what you H.A.V.E. I don't think you realize how "good" it is in the big scheme of things.

This. I was under the impression you two were getting it on twice a year in the dark. But 2-3 times a week, with 2 kids and intimacy sounds reasonable. I don't think talking about it more or suggesting new things is going to change anything because you already tried that. You know what he wants to do and he knows what you want to do. I think you are at a good middle ground. Plus you went into the relationship knowing that you liked kinky and he does not. That is one thing I doubt he can change about himself and your interest in it probably turns him off.

Toys and books.

 

[Arkteia]

Premature ejaculation is a common thing. However, most antidepressants (SSRI's like Paxil for example) work well because they delay orgasm. Usually it is an undesirable side effect but it becomes a benefit in cases of premature ejaculation. I might have missed it in your post, but just in case, has it ever been tried to help your husband?

 

[monarch64]

I think you're just turned onto your man on paper and not physically, getting down to brass tacks.

You need excitement, you dislike that he is satisfied with "vanilla" sex. You want intensity; he wants stability.

I don't think that this is about sex at all. I think it's about compatibility, period, which is why I think the sex therapy hasn't helped you ultimately.

You're a person who says that you want to be dominated, but YOU want to be dominated!

Your husband cannot live up to this.

I think in the end that you are just incompatible.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but you asked for honest opinions here. Very best of luck to you. I hope that you are able to come to a peaceful conclusion.

 

[pomjuice963]

Premature ejaculation is a common thing. However, most antidepressants (SSRI's like Paxil for example) work well because they delay orgasm. Usually it is an undesirable side effect but it becomes a benefit in cases of premature ejaculation. I might have missed it in your post, but just in case, has it ever been tried to help your husband?

Hi everyone, thanks for your continued responses.

It really is helping me put everything in perspective. ILander, that was a good point about 7 year itch - I hadn't considered that. Monarch mentioned something about innate compatibility - I guess that I like more of a "take-charge" type guy, but those relationships always ended disastrously for me in the past. Everyone always comments on how well DH and I complement each other - my friends and family have raved about how he calms down my fiery side (but sometimes I miss being fiery!). I add spice to his staid life, so I guess we are a case of opposites attract, but sometimes it's bumpy, and this is one of the bumps.

Crasru, the reason that I chose the sex therapist that we went to was because he literally wrote the book on PE, and he recommends SSRIs for physical cases. He thought that it would help us, but DH did not want to try medication, even though he's had this problem all of his life, which is part of what upset me. My body has been through hell & back bearing his children, and he wouldn't even consider trying a proven remedy, so I felt that was unfair. But, it's his body, so it's his decision.

Just so you know, I did have a talk with DH last night - you have all emboldened me to try to talk to him. I didn't bring up sex at all, but I did talk about wanting more intimacy & emotional connection with him. We're both introverts, so it's easy for us to not be expressive, and part of the reason that we never fight is because we both avoid confrontation. He is very much the old school strong, silent type - not big on love talk or compliments. I told him that I wanted us to feel like we can share things with each other in order to really get to discover each other again & be more connected, and he was really excited and happy to talk and have some intimacy, which suprised me. I didn't mention anything about sex or my idea of wanting to chat with other people, because we have been having pretty good "vanilla" sex and I didn't want to put a crimp in that. I think that maybe in a few months if things are still swimming along I will write him an erotic story for our wedding anniversary or something and see how he responds - I'll be sure not to make it too scary

Thanks again for all of your advice - I appreciate everyone's honesty.

 

[ErinnM34]

I agree with the slippery slope. While you may not be looking for an emotional connection, you might end up with one unintentionally. Forming a strong connection with a 3rd party in an area that has been lacking with your husband might cause strain to the good friendship base that you and your husband do share-you could end up resenting your husband for not giving you what someone else is. In this day and age of cell phones, email, and social networking, "emotional cheating" is rampant- and the time and attention you are giving someone else could be turned towards your husband to make the situation better. I've been on the other side of this wall, and your husband will def FEEL like he's been cheated on if he finds out.

 

[trillionaire]

I'm happy to hear that you guys had a good conversation! From what you have described, he sounds like a sensitive soul (in this area at least), and with him feeling like you are judging him sexually, I can only imagine him shutting down COMPLETELY if you had an erotic penpal. He's going to feel totally emasculated, and it does sound like he's trying in the sex dept. It sounds like you need to spend time boosting his confidence like another poster said. Build closeness and intimacy and go from there. I would avoid any criticism at all, and 2x a week consistently with 2 kids doesn't sound awful to me. Maybe try simple suggestions that aren't specific to him, like once a month, try to fit in a 2-a-day. It's fun, and it doesn't say "something is wrong with you," it says, "I can't get enough!" Confidence really is key in sexual expression, and your husband really needs to feel accepted by you, and loved in spite of the difference in your sex drives.

 

[rosetta]

Two x a week sounds absolutely standard with two young kids.

I'm sure there are loads of mothers reading this right now who think it's more than enough.

You obviously have lots of energy and time to still invest, most mums I know are completely exhausted most of the time.

I think your libido is on the high end of normal, while your husbands is on the low end. That's unfortunate but that's life. Your husband has made moves to meet you halfway. Maybe it's time for you to accept a little more of what he naturally is. My FI is 3x a day kinda guy, but he knows that's just not gonna happen on a daily basis. We have reached a compromise that still lets me eat and sleep

Can you talk to him about reaching a compromise?

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Allow your husband to be your erotic "penpal". Ya never know, he might surprise you!

cheers--Sharon

 

[Sabine]

Yes I would consider it cheating. I would not do it unless you were completely upfront with your dh about it and he was ok with it. Any chance you could mention to him that you at least considered this, in hopes that he will see just how frustrated you are becoming and try a little harder to meet you halfway? The thing that gets me for you is thinking about how your dh would feel if you started doing this and he found out. He would probably feel just as betrayed as if you did cheat with someone in person.

I'm sorry for your frustrations.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Two x a week sounds absolutely standard with two young kids.

It is actually much much much more than standard with two young kids

 

[Dancing Fire]

Two x a week sounds absolutely standard with two young kids.

I'm sure there are loads of mothers reading this right now who think it's more than enough.

You obviously have lots of energy and time to still invest, most mums I know are completely exhausted most of the time.

I think your libido is on the high end of normal, while your husbands is on the low end. That's unfortunate but that's life. Your husband has made moves to meet you halfway. Maybe it's time for you to accept a little more of what he naturally is.

My FI is 3x a day kinda guy

, but he knows that's just not gonna happen on a daily basis. We have reached a compromise that still lets me eat and sleep

Can you talk to him about reaching a compromise?

.. 3 X a day X 365 days a yr = 1095 "a world record"... . congrats to your FI...

 

[geckodani]

Two x a week sounds absolutely standard with two young kids.

It is actually much much much more than standard with two young kids

Um. It's much more than standard and I don't have young kids! Once a week is about all we manage over here!

 

[Hera]

Premature ejaculation is a common thing. However, most antidepressants (SSRI's like Paxil for example) work well because they delay orgasm. Usually it is an undesirable side effect but it becomes a benefit in cases of premature ejaculation. I might have missed it in your post, but just in case, has it ever been tried to help your husband?

Hi everyone, thanks for your continued responses.

It really is helping me put everything in perspective. ILander, that was a good point about 7 year itch - I hadn't considered that. Monarch mentioned something about innate compatibility - I guess that I like more of a "take-charge" type guy, but those relationships always ended disastrously for me in the past. Everyone always comments on how well DH and I complement each other - my friends and family have raved about how he calms down my fiery side (but sometimes I miss being fiery!). I add spice to his staid life, so I guess we are a case of opposites attract, but sometimes it's bumpy, and this is one of the bumps.

Crasru, the reason that I chose the sex therapist that we went to was because he literally wrote the book on PE, and he recommends SSRIs for physical cases. He thought that it would help us, but DH did not want to try medication, even though he's had this problem all of his life, which is part of what upset me. My body has been through hell & back bearing his children, and he wouldn't even consider trying a proven remedy, so I felt that was unfair. But, it's his body, so it's his decision.

Just so you know, I did have a talk with DH last night - you have all emboldened me to try to talk to him. I didn't bring up sex at all, but I did talk about wanting more intimacy & emotional connection with him. We're both introverts, so it's easy for us to not be expressive, and part of the reason that we never fight is because we both avoid confrontation. He is very much the old school strong, silent type - not big on love talk or compliments. I told him that I wanted us to feel like we can share things with each other in order to really get to discover each other again & be more connected, and he was really excited and happy to talk and have some intimacy, which suprised me. I didn't mention anything about sex or my idea of wanting to chat with other people, because we have been having pretty good "vanilla" sex and I didn't want to put a crimp in that. I think that maybe in a few months if things are still swimming along I will write him an erotic story for our wedding anniversary or something and see how he responds - I'll be sure not to make it too scary

Thanks again for all of your advice - I appreciate everyone's honesty.

I think it sounds more like you are missing the spiciness you would have had with the "take charge guy"(that always ended up disastrously). It's probably a person that you are always going to be attracted to, but the best type of person for your life is probably a type like your husband. I would get into therapy for yourself to work out some of these issues. Until then, I don't think I would bring up another issue such as intimacy with him. I don't think it will be healthy to bring up yet another part of your life where you think you are failing as a couple.

Secondly, I cannot imagine why you would want to write him erotica for your wedding anniversary. This day is to celebrate what your union is, instead of pushing upon him more of his inadequacies and what YOU want the marriage to be.

 

[MonkeyPie]

HI:

Allow your husband to be your erotic "penpal". Ya never know, he might surprise you!

cheers--Sharon

I love this idea. Most guys aren't into this - I have tried so many times with DH! - but it's worth a try. And it could be fun!

 

[afreebird]

Taking an antidepressant simply for a premature ejaculation issue is not something I would ever expect from anyone solely for my benefit. I feel it is an outrage that many doctors play fast and loose when prescribing these meds. I have a family member who committed a Zoloft-induced suicide the year before the FDA required the pharmaceutical company to put the "black box" warning on the packaging. Her doctor prescribed her the Zoloft not for depression, but to help with sleep issues. I think a few minutes of googling side effects will change your mind on wanting your husband to give it a try for non-depression issues. Doctors who are willing to prescribe this crap frivolously make me ill.

 

[decodelighted]

I cannot imagine why you would want to write him erotica for your wedding anniversary. This day is to celebrate what your union is, instead of pushing upon him more of his inadequacies and what YOU want the marriage to be.

This. Who is that a present FOR anyway? The more you say ... the more I wonder about your level of *selfishness* and seeming obliviousness to his needs/desires. I cannot think of a husband who would be MORE UPSET by what you were suggesting (re: you having a secret erotic pen pal). And you're like "yeah maybe he'd be upset". That man would be DESTROYED by that and it would DESTROY the progress you've made so far in the vanilla sex dept.

I'm really starting to think you may be self-sabotaging here. Like a secret desire to blow things up because of something inside of YOU. Agree with the idea above that INDIVIDUAL counseling might help you sort out which of your expectations are realistic & which are outrageous. Give you coping skills to help YOURSELF through the erotic drought. AND -- encourage the development of more EMPATHY.

Geez. Writing him an "erotic story" is about the last thing this guy wants. More reminders of what you want. Of what he lacks. Why I mentioned the DREAM idea was because it doesn't but the pressure on anyone. Its a *subconcious* desire on your part (not a request) and he doesn't even have to hear about it unless he *asks*. An erotic story is something you'd sit down and cook up with the intent of enticing him into doing things you want to do ... behind his back ... intentionally. For days. I just really feel like that is so off base from what the man you describe would be able to take any pleasure from whatsoever. It seems FAR more likely that it would have negative consequences and set you both back considerably. Maybe you just meant it as a flippant joke and I'm taking it too seriously.

 

[trillionaire]

HI:

Allow your husband to be your erotic "penpal". Ya never know, he might surprise you!

cheers--Sharon

I love this idea. Most guys aren't into this - I have tried so many times with DH! - but it's worth a try. And it could be fun!

I also love this idea! There are a lot of sites that allow you to just put in the details (like ad libs) and it makes the story for you. This might work for your husband's comfort level, especially if you enjoy it and express that to him. I've used HoocyMail in the past and DH thought it was a riot. We're not into "erotica" like that, but it's always fun to throw something new into the mix I've written some steamy emails, but nothing more than a few paragraphs. I'm pretty openminded, but it would be hard for me to write that type of thing with any frequency... I could use a template though!

I did a google search, and you can see what's available... Good luck!

Also, I would still focus on the intimacy building for now. You said your husband sounded excited and receptive. Work on that first... maybe in a few weeks or months, mention this as a fun idea. Maybe you could work on one together, drink some wine, make it fun and low pressure!

http://www.google.com/#sclient=psy&...=&aql=&oq=&gs_rfai=&pbx=1&fp=46dfc76583d8f423

 

[princesss]

I cannot imagine why you would want to write him erotica for your wedding anniversary. This day is to celebrate what your union is, instead of pushing upon him more of his inadequacies and what YOU want the marriage to be.

This. Who is that a present FOR anyway? The more you say ... the more I wonder about your level of *selfishness* and seeming obliviousness to his needs/desires. I cannot think of a husband who would be MORE UPSET by what you were suggesting (re: you having a secret erotic pen pal). And you're like "yeah maybe he'd be upset". That man would be DESTROYED by that and it would DESTROY the progress you've made so far in the vanilla sex dept.

I'm really starting to think you may be self-sabotaging here. Like a secret desire to blow things up because of something inside of YOU. Agree with the idea above that INDIVIDUAL counseling might help you sort out which of your expectations are realistic & which are outrageous. Give you coping skills to help YOURSELF through the erotic drought. AND -- encourage the development of more EMPATHY.

Geez. Writing him an "erotic story" is about the last thing this guy wants. More reminders of what you want. Of what he lacks. Why I mentioned the DREAM idea was because it doesn't but the pressure on anyone. Its a *subconcious* desire on your part (not a request) and he doesn't even have to hear about it unless he *asks*. An erotic story is something you'd sit down and cook up with the intent of enticing him into doing things you want to do ... behind his back ... intentionally. For days. I just really feel like that is so off base from what the man you describe would be able to take any pleasure from whatsoever. It seems FAR more likely that it would have negative consequences and set you both back considerably. Maybe you just meant it as a flippant joke and I'm taking it too seriously.

Excuse the trashy TV reference, but have you seen the show with the girl from America's Next Top Model and the guy that played one of the Brady kids? I think it's called "My Fair Brady"... Anyways, as something special for their anniversary, she does a photoshoot with a friend of hers trying to play out a fantasy she thinks he has. The problem is, he'd already expressed insecurity about her friendship with this girl, and told her that a big fear of his was that she'd cheat on him with this girl. So she shows up on their anniversary with a big, glossy book full of pictures of the exact thing he's terrified of because instead of listening to him, she continued to put *her* expectations about sex at the forefront instead of his. It did not go over well. Google it - it's very much how I think your husband would react to you writing him erotica for your anniversary (internally at least - not sure if he's the type to blow up).

I think you exploring ways to increase the intimacy in your relationship is a great idea, especially if you keep it away from sex for a while. It sounds like he needs/is missing much more of a connection with you than sex, and the focus on sex is frustrating him because he doesn't get a chance to talk about what HE thinks is lacking (which is just as important as what YOU think is lacking).

 

[rosetta]

Two x a week sounds absolutely standard with two young kids.

I'm sure there are loads of mothers reading this right now who think it's more than enough.

You obviously have lots of energy and time to still invest, most mums I know are completely exhausted most of the time.

I think your libido is on the high end of normal, while your husbands is on the low end. That's unfortunate but that's life. Your husband has made moves to meet you halfway. Maybe it's time for you to accept a little more of what he naturally is.

My FI is 3x a day kinda guy

, but he knows that's just not gonna happen on a daily basis. We have reached a compromise that still lets me eat and sleep

Can you talk to him about reaching a compromise?

.. 3 X a day X 365 days a yr = 1095 "a world record"... . congrats to your FI...

yeah, he talks the talk, but i bet he can't walk the walk