Is internet chatting cheating?

[pomjuice963]

Hello all,

I am a regular poster, but have created a new login just to ask this question. I am in a marriage that has become more "roommates" than lovers. My husband works a lot, then comes home & falls asleep on the couch, and he is not & never has been a physically affectionate person. We have tried sex therapy, but his tastes are more "vanilla" than mine, so when we do have sex, it's fine, but not that exciting to me. We have basically come to dunderheads, and I've come to realize that his sex drive is not going to increase, and he's never going to be willing to experiment or try anything new. Other than the lackluster sex life, the marriage is good, we are great friends and never fight, and we have children, so I'm not considering leaving the marriage.

I am considering getting an internet "penpal" to correspond with - erotic chats and whatnot - I am not looking for an emotional relationship. Believe me, if I could interest my husband in anything like this, I would do it with him, but he is uncomfortable talking about sex, and I feel like I'm growing older and I'm going to pass my prime without enjoying the sensual parts or life anymore. I feel like having an erotic penpal may give me the excitement I'm craving. So, if we never meet, and he never even learns my name, is it technically cheating? I guess that I'm feeling equally excited/icky about the prospect of doing this. My first choice would be to have an exciting sex life with my husband, who I am still extremely attracted to by the way, but since he is lukewarm on sex in general, I know this will never happen (especially since 6 months of sex therapy didn't change anything). I know that it's selfish, but is it really that bad if there isn't physical cheating & he doesn't find out about it?

I respect the opinions of many of you on here, so tell me what you think. Thanks.

 

[dragonfly411]

Pom - I feel like any form of communication of this sort with another individual is just not in line with being committed. Although I completely understand your frustration, there is always going to be that chance that your husband WILL find out, and he will probably feel very inadequate if he does. Have you considered switching therapists? Or just talking to your husband one on one about how you are feeling?

 

[Circe]

I sympathize with your frustration (my very first relationship was, er, libidinally disparate, and aside from the obvious issues, it took me *years* after the relationship ended to not feel unattractive, rejected, etc.). That said, I think this might be a case of the road to hell being paved with good intentions.

Let's say you find a penpal, and you have a great relationship. Could you really resist the temptation to meet in person if, on top of dovetailing desires you also found your penpal funny, thoughtful, etc.? Could you keep it from bleeding over into your relationship if your drive got higher as a result of the stimulation and your husband was still unresponsive, or from comparing your husband to your penpal?

At the end of the day, it *is* cheating if your husband doesn't know about it. Dan Savage would tell you to do it anyway if that's what you need to be happy. But I think Dan Savage kinda plays fast and loose with social convention sometimes ....

My advice would be to try therapy again with a different therapist, and to talk to your husband. Maybe a new therapist will be able to come up with better solutions for connecting, or suggest medication (testosterone?): maybe s/he will just be able to talk you through this so your husband can come to terms with it, in which case, hey! No need to feel icked. I really hope you find a solution that works for you ....

 

[Lauren8211]

I'm in the boat of "If you wouldn't do it in front of them, you shouldn't do it, " so yes, I do think that is cheating.

I really do feel for you, but thats not appropriate behavior to do something behind the back of your spouse. If it were me in that situation, I'd tell my husband that I was seriously considering going outside of the marriage to get my sexual needs met. Since you won't leave your marriage, I'm not sure how many options you really have. I can't tell you anything a sex therapist hasn't said already.

There is no right answer here, because you're either letting yourself down, or letting your marriage down. I hope you figure something out.

 

[afreebird]

I think it's a very slippery slope. Something to consider is that once you develop actually feelings for your penpal (and I'm pretty sure feelings would start to develop at some point), you're only going to feel more resentful of your husband. I had a friend who pretty much played out this same scenario, and she confided to me that she became so emotionally involved with her "e-pal" that she actually felt like she was cheating on him whenever she did anything with her husband.

I say it's better to just be upfront with your husband about your feelings and go from there. Life is too short for this kind of possible drama.

 

[trillionaire]

yes it is cheating.

I'm sorry that you are in this difficult situation. I would be miserable.

 

[JillyC]

Pom-
Would you have these penpal conversations out in the open? Would your husband be okay with you having an online chat like you describe with another person? If the answer is no, then I would also urge you to try to keep communicating with your husband about the issues and try to work out a solution. I'd also suggest a marriage counselor to help with the communication that the two of you need to work this out.

Looking outside of your marriage to have your needs met by someone other than your husband could be very damaging to your marriage. It doesn't matter if we think it's cheating or not, it only matters if your husband would think it was cheating.

 

[decodelighted]

I think it's a very slippery slope. Something to consider is that once you develop actually feelings for your penpal (and I'm pretty sure feelings would start to develop at some point), you're only going to feel more resentful of your husband. I had a friend who pretty much played out this same scenario, and she confided to me that she became so emotionally involved with her "e-pal" that she actually felt like she was cheating on him whenever she did anything with her husband.

Ooof. I fear I'll be revealing too much but I'll admit that LONG before I met my husband ... during a "dry spell" ... I had a flirtation with "cyber sex" of this sort. It. Is. Addictive. Its like playing with fire. Would you take up gambling casually? Or heroin? Same deal. Honestly. And that's just the CYBER part of it. If you find someone you "click" with kink-wise ... WATCH OUT. Temptation to meet would be an UNDERSTATEMENT. (Though I never did. Lemmie be clear about that! My adventures were solely of a virtual nature .)

Here's what I would recommend instead. Write. Write erotic stories about whatever tickles your fancy. Publish them online if you wish. Or off line for that matter. And self-pleasure. Also keep physically active to work off sexual tension & indulge in routine massages for additional touch therapy. PLUS -- going to therapy on your *own* might not be a bad plan if you find yourself growing more deeply unsatisfied.

Its a very frustrating scenario that you describe. I wish there was some magic sexy pill to make your husband more imaginative.

 

[Tuckins1]

Sorry to hear that you are having such troubles! I do feel that this type of behavior is not necessarily "cheating" (we can argue semantics all day), but I do think it's unacceptable in a marriage. Unless you can be open with your husband about it and he's ok with it, I personally wouldn't do it.... I'm sorry, I can see how this would be a REAL issue and very hard to deal with. Not to be crass, but sex is a very important part of a relationship (to me anyways). If we weren't doing it anymore, or it wasn't satisfying anymore, I don't know what I would do!!!

 

[fieryred33143]

Yes, IMO, it is cheating. The fact that you have to hide it from your husband is a clear sign that this is not the right avenue to take.

The only advice I have is that life is too short to stay with someone that makes you miserable or that you feel you are not compatible with.

Would you consider telling your husband of your plans and see how he feels about it? You'd be surprised at the amount of couples that are willing to try "open" relationships. Maybe your husband will be ok with you doing the chats (and he may even like it).

 

[HollyS]

Yes. And no.

Technically, you are not cheating.

But it will affect your marital relationship in a negative way.

And, because women DO attach emotion to their sexuality, you may begin to have 'romantic' desires with this penpal. It may not remain a casual 'thing'.

I don't know what to say about your marriage, except this: you must be blunt, direct, and to the point with your husband. Whether you want to admit it or not, whether you think you 'would never stray', the truth is THIS - - if you cannot get what you need, emotionally and sexually from your husband, you will be tempted. Temptation has a way of overcoming most people's inner convictions . . . and becoming . . . something you never thought you would do.

So, my answer is, your husband needs to understand, acknowledge, and change. Otherwise, you might not stray, but you will resent him for what he will not give you. Or, you will find a way to satisfy your needs.

I hope you find the right answer for yourself.

 

[HollyS]

Oh, and just a tidbit I thought I would share, because deco shared:

Erotic fiction can be quite satisfying. In the short term.

Just sayin'.

Amazon.com my friend. Everything comes in a plain brown box.

 

[Imdanny]

Well, in my opinion, yes, it's really cheating. I hope you don't mind me being direct, but you asked for our opinions.

 

[sctsbride09]

I personally also believe its cheating. On a side note..I happen to know someone very well who was in literally the exact same situation, except the kids were adults. Im not going to get too detailed as this person is very close to me, but I will say this- it absolutely destroyed her family. Think long and hard if you truly love your husband as well as what type of life you hope to provide for your children. This not only affects you, but them also. I dont mean to be harsh, but the person that i know regrets her decision so much, and truly feels that it wasnt worth it. As another poster said, its a very slippery slope, and what might begin as a internet flirtation can turn into a full on affair, as in my examples case.

 

[swingirl]

We seem to accept men seeking sexual fantasies from pornography or a Sports Illustrated calendar. But if a woman wants to enjoy some fantasy time it becomes cheating. You have to be strong to draw some very clear lines but under your circumstances (tried everything, married to a man with low sex drive who doesn't want to change) I don't see it as cheating. The only down side is the real possibility of your husband finding out or using your computer. Since he knows about your dissatisfaction in that category what would he say if you mentioned it to him?

 

[fieryred33143]

We seem to accept men seeking sexual fantasies from pornography or a Sports Illustrated calendar. But if a woman wants to enjoy some fantasy time it becomes cheating. You have to be strong to draw some very clear lines but under your circumstances (tried everything, married to a man with low sex drive who doesn't want to change) I don't see it as cheating. The only down side is the real possibility of your husband finding out or using your computer. Since he knows about your dissatisfaction in that category what would he say if you mentioned it to him?

I think you have a point in what you say but I don't see this being the same as having an actual live person to exchange contact with. Getting your fix from magazines is very different from exchanging words/feelings with another person outside of your marriage, IMO.

ETA: I also wanted to mention one more thing about the difference. If you are sexually frustrated and feel that an exchange of words is all it will take to feel satisfied, then you can get that from movies, books, and magazines (maybe throw in a couple of toys). But to have that exchange with another person says, at least to me, that what you are missing is intimacy. Getting your intimacy fix from a person other than the one you are married to, again IMO, is cheating and there is a very thin line between that and emotionally cheating. I'm also not judging as I know how important a good sexual relationship is with your partner. I really hope this gets resolved for you

 

[Imdanny]

We seem to accept men seeking sexual fantasies from pornography or a Sports Illustrated calendar. But if a woman wants to enjoy some fantasy time it becomes cheating.

Well, that's not what I meant. In this thread, we're talking about having an on-line relationship with another person. That has nothing to do with any double standard. I would think the same thing about either party doing it, and it isn't the same thing as pornography.

 

[radiantquest]

I understand the situation you are in and although I agree that it isn't ideal and in a perfect world you wouldn't be in it I have to say that I think it is cheating. I have rules to what is and what isn't cheating and this violates two rules

If you would be uncomfortable allowing your husband to see/read it, then it is cheating

If it takes away from time that you should be spending with your husband then it is cheating

I am not judging you, so don't take it that way please. This just my opinion. I can see how this option seems that it would make you happy, but I don't think that it is the right choice. This is the man that you married. Personally, I don't think that getting your love and security from one man and your sexual fantasies or whatever from another man is OK. If you went through with this and did it behind his back and some day he discovers it how do you think it would make him feel?

 

[KittyGolightly]

I don't think it's "technically" cheating, but I do think it's a really, really bad idea. You yourself describe it as selfish behavior - how bad about yourself are you going to feel after the fact? And *you* may not be ready to leave the marriage, but are you sure your husband wouldn't if he found out? To me, it just seems like too much risk - you'd embarrass and hurt yourself, your husband, and your kids if it ever came to light.

 

[rosetta]

You yourself realise how important a sexual connection is. It is A Big Deal.

So surely connecting with someone else in this way, even if cyber, has the potential to deeply affect you. If nothing else, it will bring your lack of a real life sexual connection even into sharp contrast. Is this something you can deal with?

There are likely to be consequences to your behaviour that may be negative.

I sympathise with you entirely but I don't feel this is the solution. Have you explored all the possible medical reasons for your husband's lack of libido? I'm sorry to ask, but have you considered he may be involved with someone else or have an addiction to ****? Sorry if I have been inadvertantly offensive.

Best of luck and cyber hugs to you.

 

[swingirl]

We seem to accept men seeking sexual fantasies from pornography or a Sports Illustrated calendar. But if a woman wants to enjoy some fantasy time it becomes cheating.

Well, that's not what I meant. In this thread, we're talking about having an on-line relationship with another person. That has nothing to do with any double standard. I would think the same thing about either party doing it, and it isn't the same thing as pornography.

The difference is that men are more visual so pornography can satisfy their fantasy. Women are more verbal and to satisfy their fantasy pictures don't cut it but conversation does.

 

[geckodani]

I too believe it is a slippery slope, and would consider it cheating.

If you really, truly want to stay in your relationship and be happy, I think you might want to consider talking to your husband. Sex is important.

I also second the erotic fiction suggestion and/or go check out some toys. They might be able to warm you up before your vanilla sex with your spouse, if that makes sense? Add another level that he doesn't necessarily need to be an integral part of, without adding another person into the mix.

Edited slightly.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Hello all,

I am a regular poster, but have created a new login just to ask this question. I am in a marriage that has become more "roommates" than lovers. My husband works a lot, then comes home & falls asleep on the couch, and he is not & never has been a physically affectionate person. We have tried sex therapy, but his tastes are more "vanilla" than mine, so when we do have sex, it's fine, but not that exciting to me. We have basically come to dunderheads, and

 I've come to realize that his sex drive is not going to increase

, and he's never going to be willing to experiment or try anything new. Other than the lackluster sex life, the marriage is good, we are great friends and never fight, and we have children, so I'm not considering leaving the marriage.

I respect the opinions of many of you on here, so tell me what you think. Thanks.

tell him to eat more oysters.

 

[Tuckins1]

Just an after thought- I myself, and DH (alone and with each other) have enjoyed "erotic movies", etc... Trust me when I say my mom should NEVER look in my nightstand drawer!!!

Is this an option for you?

 

[pomjuice963]

Hey everyone, thanks so much for your thoughtful responses. I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate all of your feedback, and noen of your comments or opinions have offended me in any way - I came to you guys because I respect your opinions, and this is not something I can talk to my real life friends about.

I wanted to reply to some of the individual posts that had questions, etc., but it's dinnertime/bedtime over here & I probably won't get a chance to until tomorrow. I just wanted to mention that so people don't think that I disappeared ...

Keep your thoughts coming - thanks!

 

[kittybean]

Gosh, what a difficult, frustrating situation this is. I can see that you're in an incredibly tough position at present and that your options are somewhat limited.

I think having an erotic pen-pal is problematic in a number of ways. First and foremost, you are walking a thin line between staying true to your wedding vows and committing adultery (defined as "sexual infidelity to one's spouse"). Temptation is a very dangerous thing, and it's easy to bite off more than you can chew in this sort of scenario. Second, I do think it's dishonest and amounts to cheating if you are having erotic chats with other people behind your spouse's back.

It might be worth having an honest, full-disclosure talk about this stuff with your husband and see what he thinks about having an open relationship (of sorts). As long as both of you are okay with you having online "pen-pals," I think that might make things easier on you, and you wouldn't have to lie, cheat, or sneak around. Continued open communication is key, of course.

On the other hand, if you think that having that kind of talk would ruin your relationship or your friendship, then you have to decide what it is that you value most, since it seems from what you've said that you can't have a great partnership/friendship and a satisfying sexual relationship. Also, if you believe just talking about the possibility of erotic pen-pals would negatively affect your relationship with your husband, imagine the catastrophic effect it would have if you did it behind his back and he found out later. I would consider that very carefully when planning your next move.

All that said, please understand that I really feel for you here. Your situation sounds awful, and I wish there were really a magic sexy pill your husband could take (good idea, Deco!). Perhaps you convince your husband to seek medical assistance with his libido issues? I wish I could think of some sort of better remedy for you, but it seems your options are pretty limited unless you want to venture into a gray area that is fraught with controversy and potential conflict for you--both internal and external.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I think every couple has their own definition of what constitutes "cheating", so I can't really answer the question without knowing what the word cheating means to you two. But generally speaking, if it involves lying, or if it's something you suspect would deeply hurt your husband (regardless of whether you think it "should" or not), then I'd be tentative about it.

I've certainly known couples who are in open relationships, and others who wouldn't even flirt with other people. I don't think there's only one right way, but I do think both people should be able to be honest and happy.

Sorry to hear about the situation, it sounds just awful.

 

[cnspotts]

I think the important thing to wonder is; would he'd think it's cheating when he finds out.

I say this because I found my DH was living to get online and "play" and it got to the point that he was following certain themes & posters on a particular webiste designed for such things sent in from anyone and everyone. Our marriage has not been the same since. I'm mad, I'm hurt, and I don't understand some the things I've seen. We've talked, he's promised, I don't trust him. I moved out.

I'm not sure what happens next but I know he wants to blame me. I blame him because he's the one that crossed the line.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I'm in the same boat. Young, very interested and DH has become a lump who is only interested in the most plain vanilla. I know I'm the minority here, but, I've done the cyber thing several times. I've always used a mix of fake info (name, age, hair color etc) and have really enjoyed it. Maybe it's my selfishness talking but to me if DH is going to leave me for video games then I can sure as heck leave him for a bit of cyber fun. Anyway, I wouldn't create a penpal so to speak. I would use a chat room just for that type of thing so that each time is different and you're not giving out any personal emails, etc. Life's too short not to enjoy it (or to wait for somebody else).

 

[junebug17]

IMO it's cheating. I feel it's a betrayal of your husband's trust and love. It will keep you from facing the issues you have with your husband. It will probably make you feel guilty eventually, and cause you stress as you hide this from him. You may very well develop romantic feelings toward this person, which will only complicate matters. And of course there's the fall-out if he ever did find out. I feel it's wrong and a bad idea. If I did this to my husband, I would feel like I was cheating.

eta: cnspotts, I appreciate your honesty and candor. I was hoping someone from the other side would post. Your post shows the toll something like this can take on a marriage. It should not be underestimated. I am so very sorry for what you are going through, it must be such a painful experience. Hugs to you.