Is anyone else really disturbed about the idea of a Bachelor Party?

[treysar]

Initailly FI was going to go ot a baseball game for his bachelor party- I loved this idea. Now it has turned into a bar in the city followed by a strip club. I can handle that, but then they are all getting a hotel room in the city, and I am obsessed with the idea that they will have a private stripper in the room, or that my fi will get really drunk and do something stupid.

This is dumb - I trust him. He''s not even a big drinker - which could be good OR bad - becuase what if he''s drunk and does something stupid out of drunkeness?

You are hearing a very insecure part of me that wil ONLT reveal this sort of thing via anonymous internet chat..

I can not handle it - i am totally freakedo ut by it. And what is worse is that I do not drink, so I get REALLY paranoid about itall.

I KNOW I am going to get a wave of "you should get married if you don''t trust each other" but aside from al lthat flaming, I''m hoping to hear some kind words of how to handle my admitted craziness.

 

[allycat0303]

Treysar,

I don''t think you are being insecure about it. I''m not engaged or anything, but I think that every girl has personal feelings about strippers/ strip clubs. I don''t think it has anything to do with insecurity, you either mind or you don''t mind. I told my boyfriend, if he goes to the strip club (bachelor or not) pick up a girlfriend on the way home because I won''t be waiting for him. For me, it''s a question of respect. In the same way he wouldn''t let me go see male strippers (not that I would want to). Other girls are ok with it and that is fine too, but I hate the fact that if a girl is upset or worried, it''s immediately "she''s insecure". I would kill my boyfriend if we were walking down the street and he craned his neck to check out a girl, so I''m not supposed to be upset if he cranes his neck to look at naked girls AND pays for the privilege???

That being said, I know you know, that nothing will happen, it doesn''t mean you have to be happy with the situation. Talk to him about it, maybe some reassurance will help. Regardless, I think that it would be good that his bachelor party consisted of something you are BOTH comfortable with. It''s the most important day of your life, and you don''t need anymore stress. Good luck!

 

[fire&ice]

You could express your concerns to him & suggest they do something other than the stripper.

This whole notion of men wanting to see women strip is beyond my female brain.

Hubby''s batchelor party involved going to a strip club. Hubby thought it to be rather skanky. But, in that crazy male bonding way, the "guys" seem to have fun. No one ended up with a stripper.

That being said, I wrestled with the whole thing. Not that I didn''t trust him - just that it felt weird. Talking to him made me feel better.

 

[ammayernyc]

My bf has been to a number of bachelor parties where they have had strippers in hotel rooms. It used to bother me. Now it doesn''t since I know that unless they pay this woman for sex, nothing is going to happen. And chances are no one is going to pay her for sex b/c if she were that damn hot, she wouldn''t be a prostitute.

I''ve been to strip clubs. There are definitely good looking women. But you can usually see it in their eyes that they are just doing a job... they are not really getting off on being naked in front of lots of strangers.

Trust me, I am also extremely insecure. My bf would never do anything to hurt me -- especially since I''ve been burned in the past. But you can''t control boys from looking at other women (as much as I would like to!) The best thing you can do is give him your blessing because after the party is over, he''s yours forever.

 

[diamondlil]

You are NOT crazy, Treysar. Although I totally do not get why men want to see that anyway, it''s very common for batchelor parties, and I think you should definitely talk to your fiance about it. Having your talk in the back of his mind may help to keep him on the straight and narrow.

Beside the idea of getting a stripper and being involved in all that, talk to him about the drinking too. Another thing men seem to find hilarous is to take their friends out an get them to drink WAY more than what they normally would. I know this from experience. And that situation can get totally out of control and be dangerous as well.

Little story: My husband (of 19 years) was taken out bar hopping by his friends for his batchelor party. Unfortunately, my then-fiance did not come across as being drunk even though he was, and his friends kept giving him more. When they dropped him off (thankfully they had a driver) after the long night out, they thought he was fine . . . NOT! They did not even make sure he made it up the flight of stairs to the apartment. For whatever reason, my fiance decided to take a walk to get some fresh air (totally out of his mind). During his walk, he got lost, fell down multiple times, lost his glasses, barfed all over himself, and somehow ended up with poison ivy all over his face a week before our wedding!!!

Our apartment building was very close to a highway (the other side of a tree buffer), and I can only imagine what could have happend if he had stumbled through the woods and onto the highway.

When my fiance showed up at the door, I dragged his sorry butt to the shower, clothes and all, and threw him in. I then called his friends (who were home and had already gone to bed), and reamed them out for not making sure he was inside and safe before taking off. I was pacing the apartment for quite a while debating on whether I really even wanted to marry such an idiot.

The poor guy was so sick, he lost 7 pounds overnight, and the poison ivy was so bad, he had to get a steroid shot to take down the swelling. That would have looked jus beautiful in our wedding photos, don''t you think?

Eventually I calmed down, things were smoothed over with everyone involved, but it taught us all a few lessons. All these years later, that night is vivid in my mind. Thankfully, my husband felt awful about the whole thing and still apolgizes for it when the story comes up -- which it does from time to time.

Sorry to ramble. Just make sure you discuss with your fiance your concerns. Going out with the guys for a party before the wedding is a tradition, but you just want to make sure it''s handled responsibly. Okay, I must be sounding like an old fuddy-duddy, and I apologize for that.

DiamondLil

 

[petunia princess]

I don''t think there''s much reason to get worked up over a Bachelor Party. I know girlfriends who have forbidden them and it just seems really silly. I''m sure you feel w/100% confidence that your fiance is not going to throw away his whole life by doing something stupid at a Bachelor Party...its just nerve-wrecking to think about men+strippers+alcohol. He and his boys just want to have a night of fun and not get in trouble for it.

And if you are still worried....talk to him about it. Let him know that you are leery of the idea and see what his expectations are....although, chances are he just wants to have a rip-roaring good time w/his boys. At this point you can tell him what your expectations are....look but no touch, no lap dances, or whatever your hang-up is. I''m sure if you all discuss it you will feel so much better about it....its just the anxiety of the unknown that''s got you worried now.

Besides, shouldn''t you be busy planning your Bachelorette Party?

 

[flopkins]

treysar- I don''t think your concerns are extreme - but I agree with the others that the most important thing is to express your concerns to your FI and make it clear what does and what doesn''t bother you.

An idea that might diffuse the hotel room issue- a friend of mine had their Bachelor''s and Bachelorette the same night, they each did their thing (guys went to dinner and strip club, girls went bar/club hopping) and at the end of the night they ALL met at a hotel room in the city and celebrated the end of the night together, with their friends... and exchanged stories of the evening. I think that''s a great idea, and I hope we do something similar!

 

[abradabra]

I definitely understand the nervousness about the whole bachelor party thing, but look at this way...

1. If he''s going to do something bad; he''s going to do something bad. You can''t prevent him from getting drunk and getting a little crazy for the rest of both your lives. Will he never attend someone else''s bachelor party? Go out with his friends while you are away? Etc... If his version of crazy is smooching (or worse!) strippers, then I promise you, it will come out at some point in your relationship. It''s almost better that it does before you get married... Chances are, that''s not his version of getting wild and you have nothing to worry about in the first place.

2. I firmly believe that the practice of getting strippers for bachelor parties is more about embarrassing the groom than anything else. I have never been to a bachelor party, but the stories I have heard about strippers are more funny than worrisome. Besides, a private striptease might be sexy, but one in front of 20 of your buddies is not so hot.

3. It''s an opportunity for him to go out with his friends and have a good time. I''d imagine you don''t want him worrying/feeling guilty about you and your restrictions while he''s there--this is supposed to be his "last hurrah"--one more big night with his buddies before he dedicates his life to you.

I used to get nervous about bachelor party stuff, but then one day I just kind of got it. I got that it wasn''t about me or our relationship. That I had to draw the line in the sand and trust him. That he was a good guy and if he wasn''t, I would probably know it by now.

It is really tough though--maybe you could find a way to distract yourself that evening/weekend that''s he''s gone--work, friends, movies, your bachelorette party... Anything that will keep your mind off this and allow both of you to have a great time. Because that''s the point of the whole tradition...

 

[treysar]

Thank you so much for your responses - it feels much better to know that I''m not alone ,and just "talking" about it outloud with you guys makes me feel better already.

What a kind bunch, and very thoughtful! Thank you again!!

And Abradabra, you had really great points - all very true!!

AmmayerNYC, I too was burned -cheated on, actually FI is the only one in my life who hasn''t cheated - so it is hard to believe I found such a good guy.

Diamondlil, thank you for sharing - I bet you guys look back and laugh at it now, and I bet he will never do anything like that again!

 

[diamondlil]

Date: 5/4/2005 4:22

1 PM
Author: treysar


Diamondlil, thank you for sharing - I bet you guys look back and laugh at it now, and I bet he will never do anything like that again!

We''ve been married for 19 years now, and nothing even close has ever happened again. I do laugh now, but at the time, it was so NOT funny.

DiamondLil

 

[FireGoddess]

Oh Diamondlil - I laughed out loud at your story - though I know it wasn''t even CLOSE to being funny at the time. At least I bet he felt worse afterwards than you did!

Treysar, I think everyone has given you very good advice and I do want to reiterate that you are not crazy for freaking out about the bachelor party...you only ever hear the infamous stories it seems! Definitely talk about it with your fiance...I would hope (and think) he will be very sensitive to this considering you''ve been cheated on in the past.

 

[Dancing Fire]

treysar
if he's gonna cheat on you, he can also do it after you guys are married.

 

[bar01]

Just my two cents as a guy - I have always avoided strip clubs. I have had to turn down clients and friends when these invitations came up. I am not a prude - I enjoy the female form as much as the next guy – but I find the idea of strippers very professional and detached – like a medical exam or something.

But I will warn you - about private strippers coming to rooms - I have a good friend that has been present when strippers came to a hotel room or private home for bachelor parties of our friends (I bowed out at both times). In two cases the two females engaged in sex with each other for the enjoyment (?) of the males. The strippers had body guards in the room which did not allow any real sex with any of the guys – but some involvement with the guys did happen which I won't describe in an open forum. I have never heard of anything happening in a club.

While I would never want to see strippers – my gal has said if I ever do – I have to take her along – or else!

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 5/5/2005 10:18

4 AM
Author: Bertrand


But I will warn you - about private strippers coming to rooms - I have a good friend that has been present when strippers came to a hotel room or private home for bachelor parties of our friends (I bowed out at both times). In two cases the two females engaged in sex with each other for the enjoyment (?) of the males. The strippers had body guards in the room which did not allow any real sex with any of the guys – but some involvement with the guys did happen which I won''t describe in an open forum. I have never heard of anything happening in a club.

Bertrand, when I asked hubby about this, he said the exact same thing. Clubs are pretty harmless; but, he has heard quite a few stories about "private" strippers in homes & hotel rooms.

 

[IrishEyes]

Yes, Bertrand is right on the private hotel or house parties. I''m a girl, but I''ve been to strip clubs with my DH and one private party with a few guy friends ( awhile ago). The strippers at the clubs are harmless. They dance and do their thing, and usually the private lap dances are done in a room that is off to the side from the main room, but their are other guys (and girls) getting lap dances there as well, so nothing sexual goes on. The most sexual thing I''ve seen happen during a lap dance is the stripper licking the side of some guy''s neck, I think she was trying to be sexy? Anyway, the girls at the clubs are pretty attractive (although I''ve seen some very much NOT attractive ones), and I''ve talked to some of them and they are pretty nice for the most part. However, with the private parties, the story is a little different. Many times there are two or more girls that go to the hotel for the guys. They ( and I won''t get too graphic here since this is an open forum) bring "accessories" with them for themselves for the visual enjoyment of the males. They will usually engage in some form of sexual relations and many times one of the stupid males will pay extra for one of the girls to do something for one of the guys. The one I was at awhile back had something like that happen, although luckily the guy who got it was single. I know that many times, if you pay extra, the girls will go further with guys.

I''m not a big fan of the private parties and won''t let DH go, unless I know the guys that are going with and feel okay about them and don''t think they are scuzzy and troublemakers.

Not trying to freak you out, but just wanted to give you a viewpoint from a woman who has been around this situation a couple times ( and no, I''m not a stripper!!

). You probably have absolutely nothing to worry about, he''ll get tipsy and have a few laughs with his buddies, then come home to you and pass out in your arms!! The next day he''ll probably tell you all about it, including all the dance moves the strippers made that they thought were sexy, but your FI feels were totally moronic and while he had a good time, he missed you that night!! Let us know how it goes and don''t worry!

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 5/5/2005 3:20:10 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
treysar
if he''s gonna cheat on you, he can also do it after you guys are married.

True statement. But I think it''s more about the "being egged on by his friends to do something completely idiotic while he may or may not be in a sloppy drunk state" kinda thing.

 

[ammayernyc]

I think the only thing to possibly worry about is a ''heat of the moment'' kind of thing... but my guess is that unless he has disgusting friends, no one would let anything happen. I once told my bf that I would break up with him instantly if I found out that he even kissed another woman (product of me being a moron and staying with someone who cheated...) and he responded, but what if it were heat of the moment... made me a little nervous. But, once he realized I was serious, I think it took a little heat out of his moment.

I have a rule with my boyfriend -- whatever he would do with another woman, stripper or not, he would never get to do with me. Whatever he touched, he would never get to touch on me. Whatever she touched, I would never touch again.

I don''t worry about him cheating... but I worry about my insecurities and history.

 

[icekid]

hmm, i hadn''t given much thought to this before. while i don''t condone guys going to see strippers, i figure it''s "ok" when it''s a big blowout type of party like a bachelor party. still, i''d rather that my bf didn''t have strippers! but i know his friends really well and like them too, so i''m really not worried. if there are strippers, i think it will be more as a joke to make my bf embarrassed. i really trust his friends though not to do anything stupid and ridiculous. if i didn''t like his friends so much, i probably wouldn''t be quite so comfortable with it though!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/5/2005 11:32:15 AM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 5/5/2005 3:20:10 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
treysar
if he''s gonna cheat on you, he can also do it after you guys are married.

True statement. But I think it''s more about the ''being egged on by his friends to do something completely idiotic while he may or may not be in a sloppy drunk state'' kinda thing.

well.....if he''s really drunk.nothing can happen.

 

[AChiOAlumna]

I also agree with abradabra''s points...if the two of you know how the other feels regarding the issue of cheating and you respect each other, then there''s no harm in having a bachelor party.

Little story: During our dating period, there were two things that I told my BF that I wouldn''t tolerate at all: infidelity and abuse. If either one entered our relationship, there would be no relationship after that (sounds hard nosed, but I need to know that I can trust my partner!!) When we were engaged, my FI wanted a bachelor party really badly..but his best man lived real far away...so one of the groomsmen took my FI out for dinner and a movie. My FI came home smelling of smoke and cheap perfume!! I nailed him and said, "You went to a strip club, didn''t you??" We both laughed about it together and he was just happy that he was returning home to me.

Moral: Trust is a big issue...you need to trust that your FI will respect and honor you and the vows you''re about to make. There are going to be plenty of opportunities in a relationship where the two of you won''t be together...business trips, guy/girls'' nights out, weekend trips with the girls/guys, etc. Trust, respect and understanding need to be in place now or else you''re going to be fretting a lot during your marriage...

It''s important to let him know how you feel and what your insecurities are...it''s okay to have the concerns, but not telling him won''t alleviate them either...

 

[jlc0604]

I agree with everything everyone here said about private parties vs. clubs. I too have been to several clubs and have found them pretty much harmless, but private parties are another matter altogether. Many of these private strippers are pretty much prostitutes and will peform all sorts of acts after the show for a price, or so I''ve heard.

I have a friend who had an agreement with her fiance. They agreed beforehand that they would each go out to strip clubs during their bachorlor/ette parties, but not have any private strippers to the house/hotel. I think this is a pretty reasonable request, and BF and I may do something similar. Maybe you should talk to your guy about something like this too?

However, it''s quite a different scene in my experience with a private male stripper. I hired one once for a bachlorette party. It''s more comical than sexual, with the guy arriving dressed up as a police officer or whatever, then ripping off his clothes. The act is pretty much fun, with the girls cheering and laughing the whole time. The main point is for the stripper to embarrass the bride to be. And I''ve never heard of a woman paying for sex with a private male stripper (though I''m sure it''s happened, just not common). So private male vs. private female strippers are really not an even trade off.

 

[ammayernyc]

My bf has been to a couple of private room bachelor parties with strippers. The fact that he told me means that nothing happened... He said there were always two women who ''entertained'' themselves and each other.

In both cases he said the women were not women he found attractive. They bring body guards with them so no one can touch them.

I really don''t think there''s anything to worry about.

 

[Jennifer5973]

I have to say that I detest the thought of strippers, strip clubs and the like...not becasue I am threatened but because I find it/them so distateful and repulsive--it is far more upsetting to me that my husband would be in such a low-life, low-class place than what actually goes on.

I don''t believe my husband has ever had to deal with this--all his friends are big card players and they tend to have their bachelor parties at casinos where the focus is gambling (another vice). But I''ve never had an issue with excess there either, so my husband is free to do what he wants without any protest from me.

Whether I think it''s okay or not, the important thing here is how YOU feel, and in a non-confrontational way, I agree you need to express your concerns to your fiance. This is the man you are going to marry--you should be able to say anything to him. Start now with how you feel about the bachelor party activity.

Good luck.

 

[kanne]

I have started and stopped my replies to this question about five times now.

I know someone who cheated with a stripper at his bachelor party (5 years ago). His wife still does not know. This same guy also cheats on his wife (and you guessed it..she doesn't know about that either..or maybe she does). The problem was not with the stripper, but with the guy (yes he's a real jerk).

If you trust your fiance, I would not worry about the bachelor party. It is easier to have an office affair than it is to get frisky with a stripper... wait, does that make sense? In essence, if a person is going to cheat, marriage will not stop them. Did someone already say that in an earlier post? hmmm.. oops! well I can't help it if my avatar is a blonde.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 5/5/2005 10:30

7 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 5/5/2005 11:32:15 AM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 5/5/2005 3:20:10 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
treysar
if he''s gonna cheat on you, he can also do it after you guys are married.

True statement.  But I think it''s more about the ''being egged on by his friends to do something completely idiotic while he may or may not be in a sloppy drunk state'' kinda thing.

well.....if he''s really drunk.nothing can happen.

hehehehehe

 

[codex57]

How are your husband''s friends? It might not be as bad as you think. Half of my friends (if allowed any input) would likely hire some transvestite strippers as a joke. Or midgets. You may be surprised at how much guys think torturing each other is funny, even during a bachelor party.

 

[windy1365]

I told my husband - of ten days - that if he went to a strip club, I would make him suffer for the rest of the relationship. I told him that I considered it cheating, and if he did it, I got a free ticket to sleep with someone else. That took care of it for me.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

I used to not be too worried about the idea of a bachelor party, and really, with my B/F, I'm not worried about him at all. I'm pretty liberal, and having been from Las Vegas originally, I have been to a couple of strip clubs with friends, and even had some friends stripping their way through dental school. Haha.

I would have a couple of guidelines to follow . . .

1) Strip club is ok, but no VIP room.

2) Absolutely NO strippers in any hotel room, ever.

But if you trust each other, you shouldn't need any "guidelines". But it's best to make sure his best friend knows them.

 

[windy1365]

I am totally against my husband going to a strip club. If he is looking at another naked woman behind my back, that is cheating. If we want to enjoy a **** movie together, then fine.

I don''t see how it is not cheating!!

 

[codex57]

Date: 5/10/2005 10:34:37 PM
Author: windy1365
I am totally against my husband going to a strip club. If he is looking at another naked woman behind my back, that is cheating. If we want to enjoy a **** movie together, then fine.


I don't see how it is not cheating!!

Easy. Did he touch her? No. By your definition, if he so much as watches a porno by himself (in which the girl is naked), he's cheating. Not even a porno. Half of what's on cable TV now could make him a cheater in your eyes. Maybe even Janet Jackson during the SuperBowl. I hope he doesn't watch much TV.

Other women are more comfortable or secure with themselves/their relationship that they usually draw the line at no touching. Some go further and say no kissing or any kind of sex, but touching her hand or something like that is ok. Some even are comfortable with the woman touching their man, but as long as he doesn't reciprocate or doesn't touch certain "hot" zones, that's ok.

Just depends on the woman and what they're comfortable with. If you think no strip clubs whatsoever, that's fine. Lots of women feel that way. Just make sure you let him and his best man know so they don't do it on accident since it's pretty much tradition now for bachelor parties to have a stripper.

Little reality check tho. I'm 99% sure he masturbates. I wouldn't be surprised if a naked woman, who isn't you, is involved.