Invitation Wording- Help!!

[antiquesparkler]

So we got our proof back for our invitations today... and I don't care for some of the wording she added.

Here is what she has:

Your love and friendship have
helped us become who we are
We invite you to share in our joy as we
exchange vows and celebrate our marriage

Antique Sparkler
and
Mr. Antique Sparkler

Invite you to share in their
marriage celebration

Saturday the Sixth of September
Two Thousand and Fourteen
Time

Location

Dinner and Merriment to Follow

I really dont like the part that's bolded. Can I remove it or does that sound silly? I just think its clear in the 3rd and 4th line that they are invited... Any suggestions for soemthing that could be said there?

The invitation is from us (not our parents or anything).

Help!

Thank you!

 

[Maria D]

If I got the originally worded invitation (without the bolded part) I wouldn't think it was glaringly awkwardly worded - but it does seem a little abrupt to have an invitation followed by the inviters' names without some kind of closing. For example, if you were to hand-write an informal invitation you'd end it with Sincerely, Names.

I get why she put in the bolded part. It's customary on a formal invitation for the hosts' names to precede the actual invitation. But you're right - it's totally redundant and reads better without it.

What I would do is omit the bolded part and change the first part to this:

Your love and friendship have
helped us become who we are

Antique Sparkler
and
Mr. Antique Sparkler

invite you to share in our joy as we
exchange vows and celebrate our marriage

 

[vc10um]

If I got the originally worded invitation (without the bolded part) I wouldn't think it was glaringly awkwardly worded - but it does seem a little abrupt to have an invitation followed by the inviters' names without some kind of closing. For example, if you were to hand-write an informal invitation you'd end it with Sincerely, Names.

I get why she put in the bolded part. It's customary on a formal invitation for the hosts' names to precede the actual invitation. But you're right - it's totally redundant and reads better without it.

I 100% agree with what MariaD said, but I'd offer a slight secondary tweak so that it reads more like a causal statement:

Because your love and friendship have
helped us become who we are

Antique Sparkler
and
Mr. Antique Sparkler

invite you to share in our joy as we
exchange our vows and celebrate our marriage

etc
etc
etc

 

[mary poppins]

If I got the originally worded invitation (without the bolded part) I wouldn't think it was glaringly awkwardly worded - but it does seem a little abrupt to have an invitation followed by the inviters' names without some kind of closing. For example, if you were to hand-write an informal invitation you'd end it with Sincerely, Names.

I get why she put in the bolded part. It's customary on a formal invitation for the hosts' names to precede the actual invitation. But you're right - it's totally redundant and reads better without it.

I 100% agree with what MariaD said, but I'd offer a slight secondary tweak so that it reads more like a causal statement:

Because your love and friendship have
helped us become who we are, we

Antique Sparkler
and
Mr. Antique Sparkler

invite you to share in our joy as we
exchange our vows and celebrate our marriage

etc
etc
etc

I agree that the language added to your invitation is redundant. vc10um's suggestion is an improvement, but I would still change it a bit because the narrative mode does not match. The first two lines are written in first person (us and we, referring to yourselves), listing the names is a change to third person (her name + his name = they, is written like you are referring to others) and the next two lines revert back to first person (our, we, our and our) . I would include "we" where bolded to make it match.

As an example, here's what I created for our wedding invitation (all center justified, not flush left):

Because you have shared in
our lives
by your friendship and love, we
Mary Poppins
and
Mr. Poppins
together with our parents
invite you to share
the beginning of our new life
together
when we exchange marriage
vows
on day, date
year
at time
location name
location address
Reception to follow


* I like your dinner and merriment reference.

 

[antiquesparkler]

If I got the originally worded invitation (without the bolded part) I wouldn't think it was glaringly awkwardly worded - but it does seem a little abrupt to have an invitation followed by the inviters' names without some kind of closing. For example, if you were to hand-write an informal invitation you'd end it with Sincerely, Names.

I get why she put in the bolded part. It's customary on a formal invitation for the hosts' names to precede the actual invitation. But you're right - it's totally redundant and reads better without it.

I 100% agree with what MariaD said, but I'd offer a slight secondary tweak so that it reads more like a causal statement:

Because your love and friendship have
helped us become who we are, we

Antique Sparkler
and
Mr. Antique Sparkler

invite you to share in our joy as we
exchange our vows and celebrate our marriage

etc
etc
etc

I agree that the language added to your invitation is redundant. vc10um's suggestion is an improvement, but I would still change it a bit because the narrative mode does not match. The first two lines are written in first person (us and we, referring to yourselves), listing the names is a change to third person (her name + his name = they, is written like you are referring to others) and the next two lines revert back to first person (our, we, our and our) . I would include "we" where bolded to make it match.

As an example, here's what I created for our wedding invitation (all center justified, not flush left):

Because you have shared in
our lives
by your friendship and love, we
Mary Poppins
and
Mr. Poppins
together with our parents
invite you to share
the beginning of our new life
together
when we exchange marriage
vows
on day, date
year
at time
location name
location address
Reception to follow


* I like your dinner and merriment reference.

Thank you all so much!

Mary Poppins, I hope you don't mind me using the first part of your invite. It is the perfect way of saying what we were trying to get across. Thank you for your help!

I'll post some pics soon.

 

[recordaras]

Because you have shared in
our lives
by your friendship and love, we
Mary Poppins
and
Mr. Poppins
together with our parents
invite you to share
the beginning of our new life
together
when we exchange marriage
vows
on day, date
year
at time
location name
location address
Reception to follow


* I like your dinner and merriment reference.

I love this edit. In fact, I really hope you don't mind if I end up steal... ahem, *adapting* that version for our own invites? I love that it's not too stuffy, but at the same time very dignified and heartfelt.

 

[vc10um]

"Because you have shared in their lives by your friendship and love" was how we opened our invites as well.

Glad we could help, AS!

 

[antiquesparkler]

Because you have shared in
our lives
by your friendship and love, we
Mary Poppins
and
Mr. Poppins
together with our parents
invite you to share
the beginning of our new life
together
when we exchange marriage
vows
on day, date
year
at time
location name
location address
Reception to follow


* I like your dinner and merriment reference.

I love this edit. In fact, I really hope you don't mind if I end up steal... ahem, *adapting* that version for our own invites? I love that it's not too stuffy, but at the same time very dignified and heartfelt.

I know! That's how we felt when we read it too!

 

[mary poppins]

Happy to help. What a nice description of our invitation. That's exactly the tone we were going for. Feel free to use any part of it you like.