Invitation Etiquette Question

[Clairitek]

I have a question for all of the wedding invitation etiquette experts out there. Please don''t think that I''m terribly rude for thinking about this.

FI and I are struggling to cut down our guest list to a manageable amount. We both have a lot of family to invite and I have a good amount of friends I''d like to include as well. Most of my family is from overseas and most likely will not attend the wedding. FI''s parents have 14 siblings between the two of them and 11 are married. FI hardly knows a few of them. To be honest, I''m not even positive he knows their significant other''s first names in some cases. However, to be polite, all of them are on the invite list. FI''s mother has predicted that about 60% of the aunts and uncles will turn up.

I have a group of about 5-6 friends from college who have all invited me to their wedding. I''ve attended most of them, a few with FI. At the moment these people are NOT on our invite list because of budget restrictions. I realize that having just planned a wedding themselves they totally understand the obligation to invite family and budget restrictions.

My question is this: Would it be horrible to invite these people only a few weeks before the wedding if the guest list allows for it?

I''ve been trying to decide how I''d feel if I were in their shoes. I think that I would be understanding of my friend''s restrictions and family situation. I don''t think that I''d be insulted if I were given a phone call two weeks before the wedding and informed that a bunch of the family members declined their invitation and that there was now space for me. But then again, I tend to be on the laid back end of the spectrum when it comes to these things.

Would you be insulted if this happened to you? If you received a phone call a few weeks before a sorority sister''s wedding with a verbal invitation... "Hey Sister! We''ve had a ton of regrets for our wedding and FI and I would love it if you and your husband could make it."

 

[emeraldlover1]

I think if you said something like, "We were planning on having only family attend our wedding however I''d love it if you and your husband could make it. I''m sorry for the short notice." I''d probably be less offended. However, I personally don''t think that I would attend a wedding that I got a phone invite to a few weeks before anyway. If I got an invite in the mail a month or so before the wedding but never got a save the date I doubt that it would even dawn on me that I possibly wasnt on the invite list. I guess what I am trying to say is can you order a few extra invites and send them out once you know if these family members won''t attend?

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 12/28/2008 6:20:29 PM
Author: emeraldlover1
I think if you said something like, ''We were planning on having only family attend our wedding however I''d love it if you and your husband could make it. I''m sorry for the short notice.'' I''d probably be less offended. However, I personally don''t think that I would attend a wedding that I got a phone invite to a few weeks before anyway. If I got an invite in the mail a month or so before the wedding but never got a save the date I doubt that it would even dawn on me that I possibly wasnt on the invite list. I guess what I am trying to say is can you order a few extra invites and send them out once you know if these family members won''t attend?

Great idea EM1. I didn''t even think of it that way. And you''re right about the paper invite vs a phone call. I do agree that is much less offensive.

To be honest I''d rather invite these women than some of my own family members (that are honestly closet to my parents than me) but I don''t think I could handle the guilty feeling I''d get at family functions when my wedding came up. Especially if these family members saw through photos that we had a ton of friends and not many family members.

We''re planning on sending out the invites for family earlier than those for friends, especially the family that would require arranging long distance travel (from New Zealand and England on my side) and put an earlier response date on the invite than we would for the local friends. Thankfully all of the women who are on this list of friends are within a two hour drive of where our wedding will be so it won''t be a total hardship to plan last minute (meaning a month before the wedding).

One other thing that occurred to me since I''ve been fretting about this is that all of these women had rather large weddings (200 in one case, 150 in another, and 300 in another). I actually really doubt that I would have been invited to any of them if their restrictions had been as tough as mine. This makes me feel a little bit better about the whole thing.

 

[Tuckins1]

I think it''s totally understandable, and if they bi#@h about it... Don''t come!!! I did the same thing. My hubby''s family is huge (10 children on his mom''s, and a bunch from his dad''s), plus i''m close with my WHOLE family on my dad''s side. We only were able to invite about 10 friends or so, and some of them had to wait until about 2 weeks before the wedding because I was waiting on all of the RSVP''s! I think either people can be understanding, or they can be petty. Either way, you''re still going to have the best day of your life, so OH WELL!!

 

[emeraldlover1]

Ok...I lost my post twice. So...great idea on having two due dates on the invite responses. Second...since the girls in question live so close I don''t think a later invite is a bad idea at all! I think its a great option. And...I think anyone would understand not being invited to a smaller wedding.

 

[rms]

I have been to and also heard about weddings where some people are invited to the "dinner reception" and then the "after party" while others were invited only to the "after party". The 2 parts are not necessarily labeled with the names I am using, hence the reason I put " ". My understanding is that by only having a smaller crowd at the dinner, your expenses are of course lower, yet you can still have a big reception and invite people who you would really like to be there to celebrate with you....drink, dance, be merry. You could serve other snack/finger foods later in the night too if you wanted.

just a thought...

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 12/29/2008 2:09:47 AM
Author: rms
I have been to and also heard about weddings where some people are invited to the ''dinner reception'' and then the ''after party'' while others were invited only to the ''after party''. The 2 parts are not necessarily labeled with the names I am using, hence the reason I put '' ''. My understanding is that by only having a smaller crowd at the dinner, your expenses are of course lower, yet you can still have a big reception and invite people who you would really like to be there to celebrate with you....drink, dance, be merry. You could serve other snack/finger foods later in the night too if you wanted.

This is a nice idea if we have dinner. We haven''t even figured that part out yet but I''ll keep this in mind. My friend did this sort of thing for her and her husband''s co-workers. I think they stated on the invite that it was a "Dessert and Dancing" reception. Though, I don''t think a single one of them showed up!

 

[Pandora II]

I sent STDs out about 7 months before in the hope of getting responses very early - then the invitations went out 10 weeks in advance.

I drew a line at first cousins, which hugely reduced the guest-list and nixed all the kids (25 of them).

One thing you could do is let your friends know in advance that you have a nigtmare with gazillions of relatives and you''d love them to come if some family decline. Blaming parents, or FMIL is normally a good and effective ploy!

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 12/29/2008 9:34:25 AM
Author: Pandora II
I sent STDs out about 7 months before in the hope of getting responses very early - then the invitations went out 10 weeks in advance

I drew a line at first cousins, which hugely reduced the guest-list and nixed all the kids (25 of them).

One thing you could do is let your friends know in advance that you have a nigtmare with gazillions of relatives and you''d love them to come if some family decline. Blaming parents, or FMIL is normally a good and effective ploy!

True! Since we have 1 year and 4-5 months until the day I have a little more time to figure out what to do about my dilemma. FI and I sprouted a new, cheaper wedding idea (well more like came back to an old one that we had nixed a while ago that is looking MUCH more attractive due to costs) so we might be able to fit everyone in after all. We just need to check on the capacity of the venue.

I''m just hoping that these girls don''t say much to me in the coming months about my wedding. I hate sharing lots of details with people that I know I can''t invite. It just feels weird.

 

[Jenna51580gr]

I think if you mail an invitation one month prior to the Wedding I would not be offended.

I think a phone call invitation two weeks prior is just too soon.

It is also a really good idea because your inviting people who don't live in the same country to send invites several months ahead time and make the RSVP date sooner (maybe 5 or 6 weeks) so than you can invite everyone with a months time.

Also you always tell everyone that first you are inviting only family and there is any room I would love to have my friends there.

 

[neatfreak]

I think it''s fine as long as you are genuine and honest about it with your friends. I would start by saying that you had major budget/size restraints, but really wanted them to join you on your special day. Because of family obligations you couldn''t extend an invite until now, but it would really mean a lot to you if they could make it. Heartfelt late invites are fine, it''s the "gift grab" late invites that aren''t personal that annoy me. But if you call and are genuine about it, I think it''s fine personally.

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 12/29/2008 2:38:06 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think it''s fine as long as you are genuine and honest about it with your friends. I would start by saying that you had major budget/size restraints, but really wanted them to join you on your special day. Because of family obligations you couldn''t extend an invite until now, but it would really mean a lot to you if they could make it. Heartfelt late invites are fine, it''s the ''gift grab'' late invites that aren''t personal that annoy me. But if you call and are genuine about it, I think it''s fine personally.

This is what I''m most worried about. I don''t want people to think that I''m inviting them to gain more gifts. I hope that these friends know me well enough to know thats not what we''re doing.