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Inlaw troubles....

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LitigatorChick

LitigatorChick

Brilliant_Rock
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Dec 19, 2007
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My inlaws are certifiable nutbars. They are rude, offensive, and insulting to me and my son. They do this when DH does not see, and when I tell him, he says how could my perfect little mommy and daddy do such things (yes, he has an issue with his parents - calling Freud!!). Or they do stuff when he is around, and then say they "forgot" (like how they have forgotten my last name did not change - we have been married 7 years! Or how they forgot my parents are farmers after they say how stupid farmers are).

DH wants to invite them for a visit (they are from out of town). I cannot handle the abusive nature of their comments, particularly when they are directed at my son (they insult him if he sucks his thumb and they pull it out of his mouth, for example: he is 21 months old).

What can I do??? I don''t want to cause trouble, but if I ignore them, they simply take the insults to a higher and more offensive level. HELP!!!
 
I am sorry to hear that you have to deal with this behavior. I know that it is hard to ignore and it makes you boil in your skin even more when you don''t say anything. It is not fair for your son to have to be around their insults and abusive comments. My DH is the same with his mother (she could do no wrong) so I am not sure how supportive he would be at talking to them for you. I am never one from confrontation, but I would politely say that you don''t appreciate them speaking that way around your son and hope that shuts them up! If not, you could always remove your self from the situation if it goes that far. Maybe go to the park or movies with your son until you cool down. Good luck!
 
I have tried ignoring them for 12 years, and they just keep getting more offensive. I could take the abuse, but I can''t take it against my son.

During the last visit, I would leave a lot with my son, but it was so bad, I felt like an unwanted guest in my own home!!!
 
I really feel for you! I''m having a bit of an inlaw issue myself and am helpless to do anything about it right now, so I really can empathize here. Thing is, I really think your dh should be the one to rectify this! Is there any way you can sit down with dh and let him know how you feel about their comments without offending him? He may not get it if it''s about you, but what about his son? I hope there''s a reasonable way to get through to him b/c I''m not sure that you can say much to people like that without burning a few bridges along the way. I''m guessing that if they are coming for a visit, they don''t live closeby and you can atleast be grateful for that, right? Good luck -- I really wish I had more to offer, and I hope your dh wakes up! ;)
jen
 
DH has serious parent issues, and shows no prospect of waking up. As a teenager, they were both verbally and physically abusive to him. At the age of 16, he moved out and had no contact with his parents for the next 6 years. They then resumed contact (only about 1 or 2 times a year), and they act as sweet as can be. I think because he wants to have a good relationship, he ignores his past. I don''t understand it.

I have nevertheless told him that this is offensive and to talk to his parents, and he refuses. He says I am too "sensitive" and to get over it.
 
Can they at least stay in a hotel -- that way you won''t feel like you have to leave your own home? If I were in your situation, I would request that your DH either (1) talk to them, but they do sound quite wacko, he can''t help them, really, they will need professionals, but likely won''t go for help, right?, (2) tell them they have to stay in a hotel and request that your DH spend lots of time outside the house with them, or (3) tell DH that you are staying in a hotel with your son if he can''t be man enought to do the above, or (4) maybe DH can go visit them???

Sorry, I am not the best problem solver, but I do not like this situation for you or your son. If your DH wants to maintain a relationship with his disfunctional parents, that''s fine, but unless they learn to respect you and your son, then I see no reason why you should have to endure these people!!

Hope everything turns out better than you expect it will.
 
Unfortunately, sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. People like that will never "get it" unless they are called on their behavior criticized for it in front of others the minute it happens. People are more hesitant to insult others after they''ve been insulted a few times.
 
LitigatorChick - I''m sorry your having such a rubbish time with the inlaws.

Its a really tricky situation and I can understand you not wanting to cause trouble, but directing abusive comments at you and your son is completley unacceptable and something you do not have to tolerate
I think Madam Bijoux has hit the nail on the head - fight fire with fire. Can you explain your feelings to your husband and lay down some grounds rules before they come for a visit? Tell him if they play up or are rude you will pull them up on it - if it continues tell you husband you will be asking them to leave. Tough but he and they need to know where the line is.

Also you mentioned they tend to make these comments when your DH is not around - anyway of recording them so you can play it back to hubby? - Kinda extreme I know but may be worth consideration.

Again I''m sorry your having to go throuigh this. Take care

Lizzie
 
Sorry for the in-law trouble. It''s really up to your husband to set his parents straight. He should be protecting the most important people in his life from insults. Unless he is willing to do that I wouldn''t want the in-laws near me or my son. Your husband has shown his parents that it''s okay to insult and hurt you. And when your son is old enough to know, they''ll continue to do it to him. I''d be more angry with your husband as he''s let this go on for years. If he wants to visit with his parents he should go alone to their house and visit.
 
Yikes! I really feel for your situation. Typically I guess I would say leave it to DH to stop the madness, but in this case it sounds unlikely. My guess is he doesn''t want to sever the little relationship they have because sometimes it feels like it''s better to have a little crappy love than no love (simplistic summary, I know). However, that being said, now that you have a son, putting up with abusive comments is unacceptable. You can certainly be gracious and kind, but if they continue to behave this way, put your son in another room, tell them calmly that you aren''t going to put up with xyz, and their "memory lapses," etc are NOT something YOUR son is going to experience. Period. They can make their choices and live with the consequences. Good luck and remember how every family has someone in it with a screw or two loose.
 
Swingirl''s post is dead on.
 
Ditto Swingirl as well - she is absolutely right that you don''t want to (clearly) and shouldn''t have to set this example of abusive behavior for your son. Have you tried that angle with your DH - asking him if he really wants his son to experience any part of the abuse that he (DH) suffered as a child and teenager?

If that doesn''t work to get DH to see the light, I would just put your foot down. Its your home and they are not welcome in it. You have every right to protect your son (and hey, yourself too) from outright offensive and borderline abusive behavior.

I''m so sorry you''re going through this. But I think either this or Madame Bijoux''s approaches are the only ones that will work at this point. With your son in the picture, I think avoiding contact is probably the best approach, but definitely SOMETHING needs to change.
 
Date: 3/24/2008 11:10:12 AM
Author: swingirl
Sorry for the in-law trouble. It''s really up to your husband to set his parents straight. He should be protecting the most important people in his life from insults. Unless he is willing to do that I wouldn''t want the in-laws near me or my son. Your husband has shown his parents that it''s okay to insult and hurt you. And when your son is old enough to know, they''ll continue to do it to him. I''d be more angry with your husband as he''s let this go on for years. If he wants to visit with his parents he should go alone to their house and visit.
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Thritto everything.
 
I would have it out with them straight.

If that had no response I would book them into a local B&B the next time they come to visit - or I would go away with my child while they were there.

What''s the worst they can say if they do that? Not much more than they have done.

Your husband needs to wake up to the situation and start to put you first. Seems like drastic action on your part is called for.
 
Date: 3/24/2008 10:20:39 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
Unfortunately, sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. People like that will never ''get it'' unless they are called on their behavior criticized for it in front of others the minute it happens. People are more hesitant to insult others after they''ve been insulted a few times.
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Ditto Ditto Ditto!

Stand up for yourself and your child! Don''t wait for your hubby to do it. While ideally he should be the one to do it, he just may not. Some of us don''t like confrontation, whether that be right or wrong, but, SOMEONE needs to set these folks straight. I would flat out tell them to stop the insults or they will be asked to leave. Call and have a chit chat before they come. Tell them that there are certain things that will not be tolerated in YOUR home. I understand that there are lots of different parenting styles, but, humiliating children is not one that I believe to be beneficial to anyone. If they insult your child, get up and leave - or ask them to. Be sure you tell them that you will not have them insulting your child. And be very clear with your DH that you will not be tolerating their rudeness this visit. If he can''t handle it, they can''t come. This is your household, too. If they do come, any chance DH will put them up in a nearby hotel?
 
You DH isn''t going to deal with them if he can help it. My suggestion may seem over the top, but have you considered filming them and their abuse? He has probably blocked-out the past and honestly doesn''t remember most of it and doesn''t want to. If you have proof, he is forced to confront that they are a problem, especially if they are being terrible to your son. Perhaps you could film many things as though you are trying to capture them with their grandson and just "happen" to catch their poor behavior.

I am sorry and hope it gets better.
 
Your husband seems similar to mine in that they rather not address the situation. When spouses do this it really makes things hard. Dont you think you have put up with it long enough? You have got to say something. Put them in their place. When they make comments like that you need to let them know it''s not appropriate. Dont let them step on you in your home.
 
Date: 3/24/2008 11:10:12 AM
Author: swingirl
Sorry for the in-law trouble. It''s really up to your husband to set his parents straight. He should be protecting the most important people in his life from insults. Unless he is willing to do that I wouldn''t want the in-laws near me or my son. Your husband has shown his parents that it''s okay to insult and hurt you. And when your son is old enough to know, they''ll continue to do it to him. I''d be more angry with your husband as he''s let this go on for years. If he wants to visit with his parents he should go alone to their house and visit.
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Ditto! His responsibility is to you, and if you see things this way, that is all that should matter. I wouldn''t allow such people into my house.

Easier said than done, though!

DD
 
Thanks for all your input. My DH simply will not address the situation. He does not see an issue, and thinks I am too touchy on certain subjects.

I have confronted my FIL (the main problem) and he fired back, saying "little missy [yes, that was what he called me], you better start treating your father in law with respect". He cannot be helped, and I just need to find a way to function.

I have suggested taking my son to a hotel with me. DH refuses to allow this, as they want to see my son. But I will not leave my son alone. And making them stay in a hotel - DH would explode!

Any other ideas??? I am down to a lot of martinis as my only solution......
 
l"Little missy [yes, that was what he called me], you better start treating your father in law with respect" Uh, yeah only if he is going to reciprocate.
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Yuck. So, they are going to be staying in your home? When you see his family do you stay in their home or a hotel?
 
Hmmm, I would let DH explode...

Then perhaps he might do something.

If my FFIL EVER said anything like that to me, I should walk out the door and refuse to see them again if I was at theirs and throw him out if he was at mine, but I'd probably lose it and throw something at him! That is unbelievably rude. Respect is earned not a right...


I really recommend staying in a hotel - and letting the fireworks happen.

If you don't do something drastic then the situation will just carry on and on. What happens when your son is old enough for them to want him to visit on your own?


My sister has an almost identical situation with her MIL. It came to a head when MIL's dog attacked my 3 year old niece leaving cuts all over her face. I would have called the police, but BIL convinced my sister that she was over-reacting.

She has been insulted for breast-feeding, for the way she brings their children up, for letting her husband cook ... etc etc. Christmas cards are only addressed to BIL and the kids, my sister is left off and he does nothing about it.

After the dog incident she lost it and told them what she thought of them - and didn't say half of what I would have said. BIL made her call and apologise.

She has currently said she's not staying in their house again - they live in Ireland so they don't see them often - but I reckon she will give in again.

I am almost shaking with anger over your situation - you must be a very patient person to have put up with it for so long. I would have thrown a million hissy fits!
 
I had the same problem with my MIL until I told her off. It worked, she treats me with respect. We actually have a good relationship. I didn''t confront her until 5 years into the marriage. I wish I had done it sooner.
 
LitigatorChick,

What you are describing is abuse, plain and simple. Your FIL is a bully. He has bullied your DH in the past, I would not be surprised if he is controlling over his wife, and now is is trying to excert his "authority" over you AND your son.

In my experience of dealing with bullies the only thing you can do is to stand up to them. Your DH did by leaving - something which i suspect took an awful lot of guts and is probably incredibly painful for him to remember, hence the reason I think he does not want to acknowledge this current situation. This could be why his parents are as nice as pie to him now - they know he is strong enough to fight back if needed, a trait in people bullies do not like.

You have to talk to your DH about what made him finally stand up to them and leave. Get him to remember how he felt when he was being abused - something which will be most painful for him, and explain that is how you AND your son are now being treated. Tell him you are not gong to tolerate this behaviour and tell your inlaws that you are not going to accept this behaviour...... EVER! Let it be know you are well aware of how they treated their son in his youth and you will not allow you or your son to be subject to similar behaviour.

If they must visit make sure they stay in a hotel, if your DH won''t allow it, then tough - its the hotel or nothing.
If you feel comfortable let them see your son - if you do not like their behaviour then leave with your son. Again if your husband does not like - tough. At the end of the day you are able to " fight back", your son cannot.

I am sorry if this does seem harsh but your situation as hit a nerve with me and I abhore bullies
 
I had the same problems with my MIL. She treated my daughter and I like dirt, also in our own home. My husband confronted her and she promised to behave. Yea right!!! She also continued to do it, when my husband was not around.

My husband confronted her again and there was a big blow up. We no longer speak to her. She lives back east, Thank God, and we live in California.

Linda
 
Honestly, I think a direct approach is the only way for you to handle this. They are coming to YOUR home. They should not insult you. Bottom line.

Not to take your DH''s side, but, is it at all possible that you are being too touchy? If that answer is yes, bite your tongue when they come and drink up the martinis. If the answer is no, DH needs to grow a set and tell his parents to behave!!! If he won''t, you need to. FIL also needs to understand that respect is earned. How could you possibly have any respect for a mean person that is insulting your baby?
 
I don''t mean to be harsh here...but your husband really needs to step up and defend you! I would NOT tolerate my hubby telling ME I was crazy because of issues HE has with his parents.

I would do whatever you feel in your heart, whether that is telling them off, or avoiding them. But personally if it were me, I would tell my HUSBAND off.
 
DITTO WHAT NEATFREAK SAID!!!
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Linda
 
Date: 3/24/2008 5:30:02 PM
Author: neatfreak
I don''t mean to be harsh here...but your husband really needs to step up and defend you! I would NOT tolerate my hubby telling ME I was crazy because of issues HE has with his parents.

I would do whatever you feel in your heart, whether that is telling them off, or avoiding them. But personally if it were me, I would tell my HUSBAND off.
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Yep - have to ditto this.

It doesn''t matter if you''re being "too touchy"; it makes you *uncomfortable*. That should be enough for DH. He doesn''t have to agree with you, but he should support you.

If he won''t, that''s the primary problem.

If he refuses to deal with it and you aren''t willing/able to demand his support, your only other alternative is to be firm with in-laws. If FIL says retorts about the ''treat with respect'' thing, I''d likely respond to that. He''s in YOUR house; he should respect you and your home.
 
You are in a bad spot. My mother in law is also the same (as was father in law before he died). She is ultra sneaky and does it when she thinks no one else notices. Years ago I had two talks. One was to hubby saying you are a married man, and we come first, your wife and family. Second talk was to the mother, I basically laid it out that her tactics were noted and not appreciated and would not be tolerated. I nicely said, he lives with me, not you, and this is OUR home. You will not be welcome if you continue this. She knows I mean it. When she does come, I now ignore her. She blabs, I say Oh yes...and go on about my business. If she intrudes in an inappropriate way, I nail her. For instance, my oldest who is now 15 was given, by my mother, a very expensive guitar last June when he graduated 8th grade. My mother was in PA for the graduation, and my mother in law decided SHE had to come too. While here, the gift my mom purchased came up in a context, but price was never discussed. My mother in law was jealous and so she told my son, in front of my mother, "Well, I am not the RICH grandmother from Beverly Hills. Sorry I can't get you a gift like that." But she was NOT sorry and she was being a bitch. I told her, right there, "That is totally offensive and inappropriate. Her gift to him is none of your business if you are going to act like that. You owe both of them an apology." She apologized, and kept her mouth zipped most of the rest of the time.

Bottom line, I stand up for me and my kids, and I have made it clear to hubby he must too. They are grown men, not children. Your word about their actions should be enough, whether or not he WANTS to believe it. Is he so convinced it is not possible? My hubby KNEW it was, and that I spoke the truth, and had to gradually realize he needed to step up to the plate. Bad behavior is bad no matter from whom it originates. No matter who is around when they say something nasty or mean, immediately call them on it, as you would a child who is misbehaving. What got to my hubby was when I told him what a bad example their behavior and his lack of support was setting for our kids.

I am not a confrontational person by nature but certain things have to be addressed. You know what? Too bad if hubby gets upset. He was bullied by them and cannot see clearly about the situation. You need to protect your son. You husband, if you left when they came, might see that you mean business. I would not stay in my home and feel that way.
 
I''m sorry you guys. I don''t know what to say. My MIL is a DREAM.
 
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