Inlaw troubles....

[LitigatorChick]

Ladies, I was up last night thinking about all of this and your kind and helpful words. I so badly want DH to deal with them, as I would deal with my parents if they were doing anything to DH which he did not appreciate (whether I thought it was appropriate or not!).

I think I was largely blaming myself and running and hiding from the situation. Maybe I was starting to buy DH''s comment that I was too sensitive.

But now I am realizing that FIL is a huge bully that DH is so scared to deal with, that DH will sacrific his wife and son because of it. Pathetic, yes, but it is the reality. If you knew FIL, you may understand why.

I need to be the one to look after my son. I need to call it like it is. So rather than hiding, I will confront FIL, in a tactful but firm manner. It is apparent that my current course of action is not working. I needed to deal with this 12 years ago!!!

One little story. At our wedding, FIL moved the place cards on the four front tables so that it would be all of his family at the front. This meant moving my parents and immediate family to the next row. I didn''t know until in the middle of the reception, I noticed my parents were not sitting where they were supposed to be. I confronted FIL, and he said "gosh, I didn''t know that would be such a big deal. Oh well." And he gave me this little sideways smile. I have seen that ridiculous, almost crazy, smile on his face many times since. I wish I had dealt with him then.

 

[iheartscience]

I hope you confronting him is enough to stop it! I can''t even believe how horrible they sound. I would have wanted to smack that smile off his face!

However, I still don''t think you should have to do this on your own without your husband''s help and support. Is he going to turn on you when you confront the FIL? Is he going to get mad at you and take his parents'' side? It seems like he will considering the fact that he blames your "sensitivity" for the problems in your relationship with the FIL and MIL. I would still confront your husband about this, too...just my two cents!

 

[Delster]

LitigatorChick I don''t have any advice to add to what has already been said but I just wanted to say I am sorry you''re being treated like this and to wish you the best

 

[phoenixgirl]

Have you read up on narcissism (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)?

Your FIL sounds like he completely lacks empathy and therefore probably can't be reasoned with. It's best to be very clear about your boundaries with somebody like that as saying, "Please don't mistreat me" won't mean anything to him.

Also, I'd do my best not to volley back and forth with him like with the respect conversation. It sounds like the point for him is to fluster you and never stop arguing back. So instead of pointing out the logical fallacies in his responses, I'd just keep repeating my simple points like an automaton. "Son and I will leave if you treat us negatively." "Missy, you need to show me some respect." "Son and I will leave if you treat us negatively." "Now listen here missy." "Son and I will leave if you treat us negatively." [Further attempt to engage at a negative level.] And then prove your point by leaving! You don't have to get him to agree that you're right (like that would ever happen, right?). You just need to state your position clearly, stick to your guns, and follow through.

Another issue the children of toxic parents sometimes have is the fear that admitting that there is something wrong with their parents means that there is something wrong with them. So they defend the parents because otherwise they're afraid that they're admitting that they themselves are "messed up." They deflect blame onto the functional person who is rejecting the toxic behavior. You are a rational, functional person, and perhaps at some level DH knows that his relationship with you is secure no matter what. But his parents play on a dysfunctional level, and rejecting their behavior leads to the unknown . . . will his parents reject him again? Will they lash out even more than in the past? Will they spread lies about him? Will they send him hate mail? Will they turn the rest of the family against him? You are not an unknown. You will not do these things. So perhaps somewhere in his subconscious he has decided that it is easier and safer to side with them than with you.

I ordered a book on the type of behavior I believed DH's relative was exhibiting. I found that labeling this behavior as a disorder or dysfunctional resulted in the urge for DH to defend the relative. So instead I just read the book in bed at night and would sometimes say, "Hmmm," when I got to a particularly applicable passage. In time DH would ask me to read what I was "hmmm"ing at, and would say, "Hmmm" himself when I was done.

Our contact with the dysfunctional relative is pretty nil. I've followed Dr. Phil's advice not to allow someone who is toxic to have true access to my life. In the past, I tried to be a peacemaker and to set boundaries and try to fix the problem, but the problem is too deep for me to fix it. I've found that without my interference either for or against the relative, DH is less likely to engage at all. So we're just always too busy when this relative calls (if ever -- there are periods of shunning over perceived slights, so sometimes there is no contact). We are polite, but we're not engaging. And if push comes to shove and this person mistreats me, I will make them leave. "I'm sorry, you have to go now." "Yes you have to go." [Stop speaking and just hold open door.] There's a certain Supernannyish approach to dealing with people like this, which makes sense because they are often children emotionally.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 3/26/2008 9:19:56 AM
Author: phoenixgirl
Have you read up on narcissism (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)?

Your FIL sounds like he completely lacks empathy and therefore probably can''t be reasoned with. It''s best to be very clear about your boundaries with somebody like that as saying, ''Please don''t mistreat me'' won''t mean anything to him.

Also, I''d do my best not to volley back and forth with him like with the respect conversation. It sounds like the point for him is to fluster you and never stop arguing back. So instead of pointing out the logical fallacies in his responses, I''d just keep repeating my simple points like an automaton. ''Son and I will leave if you treat us negatively.'' ''Missy, you need to show me some respect.'' ''Son and I will leave if you treat us negatively.'' ''Now listen here missy.'' ''Son and I will leave if you treat us negatively.'' [Further attempt to engage at a negative level.] And then prove your point by leaving! You don''t have to get him to agree that you''re right (like that would ever happen, right?). You just need to state your position clearly, stick to your guns, and follow through.

Another issue the children of toxic parents sometimes have is the fear that admitting that there is something wrong with their parents means that there is something wrong with them. So they defend the parents because otherwise they''re afraid that they''re admitting that they themselves are ''messed up.'' They deflect blame onto the functional person who is rejecting the toxic behavior. You are a rational, functional person, and perhaps at some level DH knows that his relationship with you is secure no matter what. But his parents play on a dysfunctional level, and rejecting their behavior leads to the unknown . . . will his parents reject him again? Will they lash out even more than in the past? Will they spread lies about him? Will they send him hate mail? Will they turn the rest of the family against him? You are not an unknown. You will not do these things. So perhaps somewhere in his subconscious he has decided that it is easier and safer to side with them than with you.

I ordered a book on the type of behavior I believed DH''s relative was exhibiting. I found that labeling this behavior as a disorder or dysfunctional resulted in the urge for DH to defend the relative. So instead I just read the book in bed at night and would sometimes say, ''Hmmm,'' when I got to a particularly applicable passage. In time DH would ask me to read what I was ''hmmm''ing at, and would say, ''Hmmm'' himself when I was done.

Our contact with the dysfunctional relative is pretty nil. I''ve followed Dr. Phil''s advice not to allow someone who is toxic to have true access to my life. In the past, I tried to be a peacemaker and to set boundaries and try to fix the problem, but the problem is too deep for me to fix it. I''ve found that without my interference either for or against the relative, DH is less likely to engage at all. So we''re just always too busy when this relative calls (if ever -- there are periods of shunning over perceived slights, so sometimes there is no contact). We are polite, but we''re not engaging. And if push comes to shove and this person mistreats me, I will make them leave. ''I''m sorry, you have to go now.'' ''Yes you have to go.'' [Stop speaking and just hold open door.] There''s a certain Supernannyish approach to dealing with people like this, which makes sense because they are often children emotionally.

this is so right on. and yes labeling the relative can result in a backlash as described. however, the way you handled it got him engaged. takes a lot of will power and practice. and sometimes one just has to cut off all contact......

i''m not for giving a lot of warning when saying i''m going to do something. if i''ve set clearly the ground rules as to what interaction i''m williing to have....if any....then it is my responsibility to do what i said i was going to do at the first instance.

personally, i''d tell hubby i''ll be back when his family is gone and take the book with me to read. then when i returned home i''d be ready to implement some of the things the author suggests. the problem is that you can do all the things in the book and if your hubby is still resistent and refuses to go to counseling, then you''re left with a very very hard choice. read the books.

movie zombie

ps having worked with a lot of attorney''s, i know that litigators can really turn on the heat when need be to win a case......perhaps your husband''s family needs to see that side.........

 

[diamondfan]

I would be repetitive and be prepared to stand my ground if I say something. I you say that you will leave when X occurs, do not make it idle commentary. Be prepared, even if it is not convenient, to do so.

Also, I would tell hubby in the conversation that you understand for various reasons he has issues seeing this, BUT, that does not make it less real to you or make it your fault etc. I would want his support but in the absence of it I would not drop and roll over either.

 

[Miranda]

Date: 3/26/2008 12:47:48 PM
Author: diamondfan
I would be repetitive and be prepared to stand my ground if I say something. I you say that you will leave when X occurs, do not make it idle commentary. Be prepared, even if it is not convenient, to do so.

Also, I would tell hubby in the conversation that you understand for various reasons he has issues seeing this, BUT, that does not make it less real to you or make it your fault etc. I would want his support but in the absence of it I would not drop and roll over either.

Ditto! You do not need the support of your hubby to protect your child from emotional harm. As DF said, it would be nice to have, but, it is not essential to you doing what needs to be done. The issues he has with his parents are not the real issue here. The real issue is to make sure the cycle of abuse is broken. You are in charge here.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Thanks everyone. I hope this gives me the strength I need. I think I will practice a few "lines" before they come, so I know exactly what to say. This has worked in the past for me: DH was being a complete jerk to me, and when he would be offensive, I would say "You seem interested in confrontation - I am not", and I would leave the room. It really seemed to work.

 

[sred2]

Date: 3/27/2008 8:54:11 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
Thanks everyone. I hope this gives me the strength I need. I think I will practice a few ''lines'' before they come, so I know exactly what to say. This has worked in the past for me: DH was being a complete jerk to me, and when he would be offensive, I would say ''You seem interested in confrontation - I am not'', and I would leave the room. It really seemed to work.

LC, any updates on your situation?!?!

((HUGS!))

 

[LitigatorChick]

I got a stay of execution - the inlaws aren''t coming this month as they had suggested/threatened, so the issue is on hold.

 

[sred2]

Any luck in talking with your DH?? I really hope things work out for the best!

 

[LitigatorChick]

The best thing in the world for me happened this weekend. My DH''s brother and his girlfriend of 7 years came to visit. I actually had a couple hours of alone time with the girlfriend, and she actually brought up the issue of the inlaws. She gave me all her stories (horrifying!) and I shared mine. It was like we were war victims, sharing our tortures and realizing we were not alone. I really sometimes believe DH that I am the b*tch, and it is my problem. Well, I got a wake-up call.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 4/14/2008 9:06:15 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
The best thing in the world for me happened this weekend. My DH''s brother and his girlfriend of 7 years came to visit. I actually had a couple hours of alone time with the girlfriend, and she actually brought up the issue of the inlaws. She gave me all her stories (horrifying!) and I shared mine. It was like we were war victims, sharing our tortures and realizing we were not alone. I really sometimes believe DH that I am the b*tch, and it is my problem. Well, I got a wake-up call.

I''m so glad you had someone to talk to about this who truly understands. Even if nothing else comes of it, its so validating to know you are not the only one who sees/experiences things.

I hope that out of this might come the ability to use this person as an ally in confronting your DH, but as I said, even if that''s not the case, I''m so glad you found a sympathetic ear in someone who has experience exactly what you''re dealing with.