In need of guest list advice

[merbear1215]

Happy Monday All! I am looking for a little guidance here.....any advice is much appreciated.

Several months ago I emailed my Fiance's mom asking her how many people she would be inviting to the wedding. I told her I did not need addresses just yet, but a number so that we know how many invites, budget, etc. She emailed me back with four family members and two family friends. I emailed her back saying that seemed so few and was she certain. In addition, we had a conversation at length about this same matter, and she explained the family is not very close, she has some friends but they don't even really know SO, etc. So, with that number of 6 in mind, we created the guest list, ordered the invitiations (which have arrived), estimated the budget.

Last week I emailed her for the actual addresses as we are getting ready to send the invitiations. This morning, I received an email from her with the information I needed.....for 30 people. Naturally, I was completely thrown by this. At no point had she mentioned that she was thinking of inviting more people. In addition, they haven't contributed one cent to the wedding (my parents are paying for most, we are doing the rehearsal dinner and some other things).

I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. Even with her 30, the list is mostly my side family/friends so I am not sure I can ask her to cut her list. However, we can't simply add 30 more people without taking people off. But, I don't feel like my side should have to cut considering they are paying for everything and have been far more supportive and kind to us through out our entire relationship. Then there is the logistics of everything...I am not sure we have enough invitiations now, this would put us way over budget, the room can't hold that many people (I realize people won't all come, but I feel like you have to plan as though they might). Part of me thinks, well if you had told me this number from the get go, that is one thing, but now throwing it at me....not so much.

What do you girls think I should do? And, is there anyway to handle this without offending people?

Thanks!!

 

[peach_tea_for_me]

That's a tough one merbear. If she told you originally that she'd only be infiting that small first number, I think she locked herself into that. She has to understand that you've moved forward with invites and such so upping the number is tough. Do you have extra invites? Maybe she can chose just a few with the extras you have? Or maybe your parents can take a closer look at their list and see if there are just a handful of people they could cut, not 30, but just a few. Or, tell his mom you'll see how it goes when the rsvp's start coming back and if there's room you can send out some more invites to those people (maybe not even with formal invites if you don't have them since she couldn't give you that number on time.)
What does your SO think of all this? Maybe SO can talk to mom and break the news. Goodluck with your decisions and all your planning. Keep us posted!

 

[kelpie]

I'm confused! I'd just politely say you can only invite those 6 people originally accounted for since invitations are limited and all seats taken. Don't make it a big deal. It's your wedding.

 

[amc80]

But, I don't feel like my side should have to cut considering they are paying for everything and have been far more supportive and kind to us through out our entire relationship.

Wow, sucky situation. I understand why you are frustrated. Have you had a conversation with her? Play dumb, act confused: "I see you sent me 30 addresses, which of the six are those you are inviting?" See what her explanation is.

However, just because your side of the family is paying for the wedding doesn't mean they don't get an equal number of invites. That's just the way it works. But you can be fully annoyed that she didn't give you all of this info upfront so you could plan accordingly.

 

[rosetta]

Politely but firmly refuse the extra guests. Stand your ground now or you will regret it later. If the number exceeds the venue's maximum capacity then it can breach fire safety rules.

 

[lucyandroger]

How does your FI feel? Does he want to invite the additional guests?

If not, then have him tell his mother that she gets the original 6 and that's it. If he does want the other guests invited, then I would try to make some room because it's his wedding as well, even if your folks are paying for it.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Call her up and say that you budgeted and planned based on the list of 6 she originally sent, and you cannot change that now. Ask her to pick 6 from her list of 30.

My grandmother added a bunch of people to our wedding, but she gave us money to pay for their meals and drinks. If she wants them there, I would expect her to pay their way.

 

[artdecogirl]

Oh ouch! That stinks. What does your fiance think? I guess if it were me I would do whatever he wanted to do but I would lean towards the suggestion of calling her up and stating "which 6 on this list did you want?" Sorry you have to deal with that, Good luck!

 

[diva rose]

I think you need to discuss this with your SO. What does he think?

Also, is he contributing to the wedding or is it just your parents who are paying for it?

Your future mother in law may have added the extra people without any negative intentions.
Maybe after the email you sent her re: initial numbers being small - she felt a bit embarrassed or something that from his side there are only a few people coming.

Think it's best to talk to your SO first, then discuss this with your MIL in person not via emails etc.
You don't want her to get the wrong impression.

In the end, as much as your parents are paying for it, the wedding is about the two of the families not just yours.

How many people are you having at the wedding?