I''m really frusterated

[Italiahaircolor]

So...

You probably remember we whinning about my DH overextending an invitation for the holidays....

Well...

86 that, because no one is coming to our house anyway.

Sure, I should probably do a couple cartwheels over the fact that I don''t have to buy air mattresses, or accomidate a house full...But those celebatory cartwheels would have been short lived because in the same breathe he told me "the dog isn''t coming" he also told me "everyone decided Christmas would be in Pittsburg".

.

Everyone? By everyone do you mean everyone but my DH and I who clearly explained we didn''t want to travel this holiday season? I am so mad. Maybe even too mad.

My MIL and I don''t have a warm and fuzzy relationship. We tolerate each other sometimes, and sometimes she makes her real feelings clear. However, I always try to put my best foot forward with her...even when its hard. But when she shared with my DH that Christmas would be at her home, my DH actually said "let me talk to Ashley about it"...meaning, if he goes back to her and says "no, we didn''t want to travel and still don''t" it will be my fault, because obviously DH checked with me and I said NO! Once again, I''ll be the bad guy...giving her more fuel to dislike me and doubt my DH''s choice of a mate.

Traveling for Christmas is very hard for me. I can''t physically take to much time away from work. I already planned on taking the day before Chriistmas Eve, Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas off. Any more time would be to much...I have people who depend on me, and I feel kind of bad taking as much time off as I am. If we traveled to PA, it would Friday, and I''d have to return home Sunday...which means, overall we''d have less than 48 hours there.

My MIL says its because her Mom (my DH''s Grandmother) wants to celebrate with her...this, of course, I understand and totally expect. Grandma''s husband passed this year, and I''m sure the holidays will be bittersweet for her. But, we won''t even be celebrating Christmas on Christmas...so why can''t my MIL and FIL go see Grandma on Christmas, and come to us over the weekend?

My MIL says "generously" that "if we go to PA for Christmas, they will come to us the following weekend" to which, I laughed. First of all, I extended an specific invitation on a specific day. We work, we have jobs...we can''t just "take time off the next week" because she feels like she can make it out then. Unfortunately, we don''t lead that type of life. If she and my FIL did come, they would complain about not seeing "us" because I go to work at 6am and come home often times after its dark.

I''m just mad...I feel like my MIL keeps me under her thumb by putting me in situations that either make me look badly or force me cave...am I wrong? Please tell me what to do????!!!!

Oh, and thanks for letting me vent.

 

[justjulia]

May I offer a suggestion? Why not spend Christmas at home with your husband and no one goes anywhere. Would your husband accept this? You''d have a restful break, which you may need quite badly.

This routine may come in handy for you in the future, because if you are like us, we found that once we had children we relished the time at home celebrating Christmas Eve and morning. We always visited families earlier or later, but not on Christmas.

All things considered, with the grandmother grieving, they may want to stay home the entire season anyway. Then you and dh go up in January, stay in a hotel while you are there, and make your visit short and cordial.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

You don''t want them to come stay with you and you don''t want to travel to stay with them...basically you don''t want to spend Christmas with them. That puts your DH in a tough situation. If he is okay with it I think it is fine for you both to stay home (where ever you live) and celebrate it together. Will his parents complain and will it negatively reflect you...yes. I have said this before...merging of families is usually messy. It gets WAY worse once kids are involved FYI.

 

[decodelighted]

We switch between DH''s family & my family every other year. All my sisters do the same. Get this into a system and then stick to it ... or celebrate by yourselves one year. You''re allowed to! You are adults.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Julie...I would love to stay home, and bunker down. My parents live very near by (20 minute or so) and we usually celebrate Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with them...but the day after I would love to sleep in, go to a nice brunch, and spend time with my DH...not fighting traffic on the 80/90 turnpike driving to PA!!

Tacori...No, I would have welcomed them to celebrate with us locally...I would have put his parents up gladly, and would have preferred for my SIL/BIL and their dog to stay at a hotel, but I would have caved eventually. I just didn''t want to travel...hence offering to host it in the first place. We''ve traveled the last two years, and its been hard. My first Xmas with my MIL was a nightmare, I vividly remember wandering around her neighborhood sobbing my eyes to my own Mom about how hurt I was over the unkind things she was saying. Last year was admitably better. But still, it takes a lot out of me.

Decoded....you''re right, we''re adults, we choose our choice. But, as Tacori pointed out...I fear the resentment. I know that there is already of level of dislike there...and I''ve managed to "maintain" it over the years by neither giving them reason to dislike me, and unfortunately, she is bent on not giving.

 

[deegee]

Hubby and have to travel every year for Christmas. My family is an hour away and his parents live 4 hours away from my parents. We usually spend Christmas Eve with my parents and family, and then travel Christmas Day to visit his. His mom is such a nasty person that we always stay in a hotel - you have to get away from her. Last year we came back home on Christmas Day, and that didn''t sit well with MIL. Hubby told her that we didn''t feel like traveling (I had started a new job and couldn''t really take off many days) and she could come and stay with us, but she absolutely refuses to travel. She hasn''t visited anyone in at least 3 years, and she''s such a nasty person that her own kids don''t want to visit her. I don''t know a good resolution to my problem or yours! But I do understand your situation. It sounds like your MIL is a lot like mine!

 

[KimberlyH]

Italia,

Noting what you've said about your relationship with your MIL this is clearly about more than who goes where for Christmas. The two of you appear to be in a power struggle of sorts. You said your frustrated that this will be blamed on you because your husband said he'd need to talk to you before giving her an answer, but I don't think you'd be any less frustrated if he had told her "Yes, we'll be there" or "Nope, we're not coming" because it still means the initial plan of celebrating at your house isn't going to happen. I don't think you're out of line for being upset, and probably feelilng left out, but your MIL may be feeling the need to be close to her mother, not just on but also around Christmas because this will likely be a difficult year for her. It's okay that you and your husband don't want to travel, but that doesn't mean that his family should be required to do so. Perhaps you can compromise with a celebration of the New Year at your house in January, or some other permutation of the holidays so that everyone gets what they want? For the sake of getting along, you may need to let this go, no matter how frustrated you are.

I can tell you, one of the nicest holidays I've ever had was Thanksgiving with just my husband and myself at our favorite restaurant. We celebrated with my family later, but it really solidified our relationship to spend a holiday alone.

Best of luck to you. Take deep breaths.

 

[Elmorton]

Hi Italia...just wanted to say I feel your pain on the traveling thing. Our parents are only 3 hours away (and an hour apart from each other), but last year it was the most exhausting holiday ever. The moment I got home and caught up on sleep, I called my parents and said there was no way we were going to do it again. They''re both youngest kids, and their sibs had children by the time they got married. My parents calmed me down by saying that when you''re a newlywed, sans kids, the travel brunt will simply fall on you because everyone assumes that you''re more flexible due to your young and happy lifestyle. They said that if you go with the flow in the first few years, it''s a lot easier once you have kids to lobby to stay put. The situation is a bummer, but I think they''re right. I hate feeling exhausted and tired during the holidays, especially when that''s time to spend with family members that we rarely see, but I really think it''s necessary to keep everyone happy. If I were in your shoes, I''d just do what''s necessary to keep MIL happy, as long as it isn''t breaking your neck.

As to your DH''s response...well, yeah, it would have been preferable if he would have responded right off the bat with "no, we''re not traveling" but at least he didn''t just say "Alright, see you there." I think that it''s respectful that he said he wanted to check with you, and if the answer is no, you''re not going this year, then you or he can choose words carefully when you talk to your MIL - like "We know it''s important for gma to be there/easier for BIL to be there, but we''re really not able to do multiple holiday locations and keep up with work. I''m sure we''ll be able to figure out something during Dec/Jan, but Christmas just isn''t going to work out." If your MIL is going to make you the villian, then she''d do that no matter what her son replied after she said Xmas was going to be at her house, yanno?

Anyway...I guess the bottom line is that I hear you on the frustration, and I hope it works out for the best this year.

 

[littlelysser]

Okay...I''m not meaning to be overly harsh here, but I *kind* of think you are wrong here...well, maybe not wrong, but really overreacting.

I would be the bigger and more compassionate person here. So you don''t get along with your MIL. That doesn''t change the fact that your DH''s grandmother is spending her first Christmas alone. Perhaps she would like to spend more than a single day with her family. I''m sure this is going to be a difficult holiday for her and having her family around would CERTAINLY help. So yeah, I completely understand why your DH''s family would choose to have Christmas near her. I really and truly do not think this is about you or your MIL trying to make you look bad at all...

I don''t know if you are aware of it, but your post really drips annoyance. Your MIL offered to come to you the next weekend - and you laughed at the offer? Sheesh. That seems harsh. My guess is she was trying to appease you since she knows you don''t want to travel for Christmas. I guess I don''t get your outrage at extending a specific invite on a specific day...it doesn''t sound like you are particularly accommodating or interested in spending any time with them. I read your earlier post about being SOO annoyed that your BIL (I think) was bringing their dog and having to buy an air mattress. It seems to me that you just really don''t like these people and are *kind* of looking for any reason to be mad at them...

Finally, I guess I don''t understand why would you only have 48 hours in Pittsburgh? BTW, it is spelled with an H on the end. If you were planning on taking the day before Christmas eve, Christmas eve, Christmas and the day following Christmas off, and then the following weekend, ...well, you''ve totally lost me how this all equals less than 48 hours in Pittsburgh.

As for what you should do...well, you can either go or not go. You and your DH made it clear that you didn''t want to travel...if that is what you guys want to do, then stay in Chicago, but I''d guess that there would be some pretty nasty fallout from that...and well, you''d probably look like the bad guy. But if you and your DH are okay with that, well, that is what matters.

Were I you, I''d go, have as much fun as possible, and next year plan Christmas in Chicago...plan a party or something so that it clear that you guys can''t or won''t travel...

Good luck.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 10/11/2008 11:07:00 PM
Author: littlelysser
Okay...I'm not meaning to be overly harsh here, but I *kind* of think you are wrong here...well, maybe not wrong, but really overreacting.

I would be the bigger and more compassionate person here. So you don't get along with your MIL. That doesn't change the fact that your DH's grandmother is spending her first Christmas alone. Perhaps she would like to spend more than a single day with her family. I'm sure this is going to be a difficult holiday for her and having her family around would CERTAINLY help. So yeah, I completely understand why your DH's family would choose to have Christmas near her. I really and truly do not think this is about you or your MIL trying to make you look bad at all...

I don't know if you are aware of it, but your post really drips annoyance. Your MIL offered to come to you the next weekend - and you laughed at the offer? Sheesh. That seems harsh. My guess is she was trying to appease you since she knows you don't want to travel for Christmas. I guess I don't get your outrage at extending a specific invite on a specific day...it doesn't sound like you are particularly accommodating or interested in spending any time with them. I read your earlier post about being SOO annoyed that your BIL (I think) was bringing their dog and having to buy an air mattress. It seems to me that you just really don't like these people and are *kind* of looking for any reason to be mad at them...

Finally, I guess I don't understand why would you only have 48 hours in Pittsburgh? BTW, it is spelled with an H on the end. If you were planning on taking the day before Christmas eve, Christmas eve, Christmas and the day following Christmas off, and then the following weekend, ...well, you've totally lost me how this all equals less than 48 hours in Pittsburgh.

As for what you should do...well, you can either go or not go. You and your DH made it clear that you didn't want to travel...if that is what you guys want to do, then stay in Chicago, but I'd guess that there would be some pretty nasty fallout from that...and well, you'd probably look like the bad guy. But if you and your DH are okay with that, well, that is what matters.

Were I you, I'd go, have as much fun as possible, and next year plan Christmas in Chicago...plan a party or something so that it clear that you guys can't or won't travel...

Good luck.

First of all, we would be leaving for PA on Friday (after Christmas) and returning Sunday...the drive, each way, is 8+ hours depending on the weather. Regardless, we would not be spending the actual Christmas holiday together.

I, host Christmas for my family at my home. Every year. It's tradition. I do not bend on this, and will never bend. Hence, offering for them to come here--on, or after.

Yes, I did laugh when she offered to come after Christmas. It defeats the purpose...and is a complete imposition. I do not run a hotel. I work 6 sometimes 7days a week...and take specific time off work when they visit...however, I cannot take time off immediately following the days I will have just taken off.

Am I looking for a fight? On a power trip? Prehaps it reads that way, but if you knew me, you'd know thats untrue. I want peace...and I bend for my MIL more times than not. I don't complain that she never calls me, or rolled her eyes when I was referred to as her DIL at a family wedding...I don't b***h when it comes to sending her free makeup, or EVER make my husband pick between she and I. I encourage him to call her...and I send her emails all the time about whats going on at home, work, socially whatever, I try to include her and find common ground--she in return, sends me forwards about women with low self essteem and finding God

. This is my life, I can do my best to share the details with you, but I'll never do it 100% justice. Its goes deeper, and is harder and is sadder than I'll ever find the right words to explain it all the way.

As far as my DH's grandmother...its heartbreaking, I know this. I'm sad for her...and I know this holiday season will be hard. I would never "take her daughter away" and be so incredibly selfish. But, I didn't see the harm in asking her to come the weekend after Christmas when she will be with her Mother during the week. Besides that, its not like my MIL is an only child...she has a sister and two brothers.

 

[littlelysser]

Okay, I gotcha.

And I really didn''t want to sound harsh! I have a not-so-wonderful MIL, so I understand how difficult it can be. But I do totally understand her decision to stay in town, considering that her dad passed away this year and she wants to spend it with her mom. And even though she isn''t an only child, it still might be important to DH''s Grandma that she''s there. I understand that she is difficult, but maybe just put yourself in her shoes. I''d imagine I''d want to be around my mom, you know?

And you are right, that I don''t know you and I don''t know your situation. It sounds difficult. I was just going by what I read into your posts.

All that having been said...

Well, since we aren''t actually even talking about Christmas day...well, why not just celebrate it the following weekend at your place. Instead of taking so many days off around Christmas, maybe take one less day off and plan to spend it with DH''s parents, the following weekend. Is it possible that you guys could beg off coming down there (because of work, cost, etc) - and DH''s folks and sibs (and dogs) still come up your way for a long weekend, the weekend after?

 

[Haven]

Merging families is tough, and I''m sorry to hear you''re having such a frustrating time with planning the holidays. I feel for you, I really do.

I think the advice to hold your ground and not travel is sound, as long as you won''t regret that choice later. As for your in-laws visiting the week after, I can see how that could be an imposition. You work hard. Entertaining and housing family is exhausting and requires a ton of work. I hope that bit works out, too.

Good luck, Italia!

 

[puffy]

i kinda agree about just staying with your Dh and celebrating christmas with just you guys, IF he is ok with that. it just sounds like too much work for you guys to travel during christmas, which i totally understand as we all have lives and can''t put everything on hold for just a few days. it seems like you and your MIL not getting along is putting your DH in a tough spot. and i know what that''s like as my MIL is not the nicest person in the world. or maybe have your DH talk to his mom about it and maybe you guys can compromise on something. yes, you only extended an invitation for a certain week, but can you guys possibly make it to PA earlier and do a little celebration there, then have another celebration at your home? i don''t know, i know how you feel, but i also know that it sucks to be your DH to be "in the middle" between his wife and his mother. i hope that you guys can find a resolution to this.
and yes it gets way tougher when kids are involved.

 

[justjulia]

Another suggestion,
How about starting your own tradition of Thanksgiving traveling to them, and Christmas you staying put at home? Start this year. Take a piece of notebook paper and fold it in half length ways; on the top label it "Traveling to in-laws Thanksgiving and staying home Christmas." Show it to hubby and brainstorm. Maybe seeing it on paper will enlighten the both of you.

"Why travel TG and stay home Christmas"
PROS Cons
Less time to ask off work. Husband misses his parents at Christmas.
Less home prep time for visitors. MIL is irritated.
Time to enjoy your own Christmas decorations at home.
MIL may at first object but will accept with time.
Routine set for having children. Something to look forward to.
Better road conditions to travel in.
You get to sing "over the river and through the woods" with your kids.

I will say this, it was easier for us to set this up for ourselves in part because my husband came from a very large family (lots of brothers and sisters) and everyone was not expected to rationally make it home for Christmas (or TG for that matter). We settled on TG and it worked very well.

My point is to make a plan, and stick to it.

Now that the grandparents are dead or have advanced alzheimers, I miss them terribly and those days. Hard to believe they are gone.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Traveling is a PITA for sure. We always go to ILs for x-mas...8 hours each way. Now even more complicated with a kid. What does your DH want to do?

 

[phoenixgirl]

If your DH will be ok with the plan, then I''d stay home for Christmas and let them visit you the weekend following. Since you''re not celebrating on the actual day, then what difference does one more week make? And if you''re at work all day, less chance to be annoyed with them, right? Your DH can decide how much time, if any, he can take off to see them, but I don''t see why you would have to do that. This seems like a fair compromise to me.

My DH has a certifiable nut case on his side, but I still understand his desire to see his family for important holidays. I don''t think that''s something you can change.

 

[partgypsy]

Well, when you married your husband you also married, in a fashion, his family. As you said, you host your family every Christmas, without fail, and you will not bend on that. That doesn''t sound very accomodating. I personally hate traveling for the holidays and there were about 3 years where we picketted and said that we were staying home for Christmas (we had a small child). But in general with my husband''s family, we alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas, so it''s understood if we visit for one, we won''t for the other, and it''s clear and no feelings are hurt. With my family since they live so far away (and traveling to Chicago in winter sucks) we agreed that everyone stays put, so there is no guilt for everyone and I simply visit during the year when the weather is actually pleasant.

I don''t know everything about you and your parent''s in law relationship, but I don''t see anything in your email that your husbands parents are being at all unreasonable or they are being malicious in their decision. But I do agree there are times when it is simply not possible to visit during the holidays (work schedule, etc). In that case make your apologies and make an effort to visit them for Christmas some in the future.

 

[MMMD]

Merging families is really tough. But I''ll give you advice as I had a tough MIL for 21 years (she recently passed away.) Nothing I did pleased her because she didn''t think I was right for her son. I worked too many hours, didn''t take care of her son enough, didn''t spend enough time sucking up to her, etc. etc. This affected me greatly and I used to retaliate by doing stupid petty things myself. I totally stooped to her level. Then I had a baby and she tried to undermine me and "take over." Well I finally matured and got the nerve to tell her face to face that her manipulation of me (and, of course, her beloved son) was OVER. She didn''t have to agree on how we raised the kids or how we lived our lives or spent holidays but, by God, she was going to keep her opinions and nasty comments to herself or she was not welcome in my home. After two months of not speaking to me, she wised up and realized she didn''t have the power in our relationship anymore. We were never best of friends but the nasty comments and eye rolling stopped.

Moral of my story, make sure your actions are your own. Not just a reaction to your MIL''s petty behavior. You and your DH and you two alone should decide what you are doing on the holidays. And if he asks you to go to Pittsburgh, you''ll be doing it for him not HER.

Good luck, everything will work out in the end!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and helpful advice, I appreciate it.

Over the weekend, I did some soul searching, and decided that --- although I wished we didn''t have to --- we will be traveling to see my IL''s the weekend following Christmas.

Even though I''m upset that our wishes weren''t considered, even though with some creative thinking we could have all gathered in IL...I don''t want to hurt my husband and be the cause of even more friction.

I did however insist that we stay at the hotel less than a mile from their home that is pet friendly. And said that their visit following Christmas to our home wouldn''t be practical due to our work schedules.

In my mind, I''ve compromised. I''ve given, but I''ve also stood my ground. And I plan on making it pretty clear that next year we will be staying local...and of course everyone is invited, but should they choose to make other plans, we will not bend again.

Again, thank you ladies...you helped me come to a good conclusion!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Italia, I think you are doing the right thing. How come the right thing is usually the hardest?

Trust me I know the pain and annoyances of it all. Sometimes I feel like the evil DIL. Thanksgiving is the holiday we refuse to leave home. Someday, as we add more children into the mix, we will also stay home for x-mas.

 

[Elmorton]

Just wanted to echo Tacori - I''m glad you came up with a compromise. It''s tough, but I think you''re making a really sound decision.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I just wanted to drop by and offer up a little update...

My MIL had basically ignored my DH and I since he called her to share with her we were coming to PA after Christmas, but would be staying in a hotel...

Until, this morning..

I was greeted, via Blackberry, with a little e-mail entitled "Classy Lady" that was sent and written by my MIL. It was addressed to "God" and went on to discuss how she hopes I learn to love in places where love is hard...and signed Amen, MIL Name.

 

[decodelighted]

Did you show your husband?

 

[dragonfly411]

I''d be showing my husband ASAP..... how rude

 

[cara]

That is beyond rude into ODD category. Passive-aggressive insanity? Wowzers. My sympathies. All I can say is that your MIL might be a completely lost cause and you had best just concentrate on making visiting decisions with your husband for your husband and you alone, and then establishing boundaries on acceptable behavior in regards to snide little comments and condescending little emails. Which this certainly is, but I can see that someone as certain as she is that God might approve of her behavior would be hard to convince that this little email is most unhelpful in terms of MIL/DIL communication.

 

[oobiecoo]

You are a better person than I am for agreeing to go there for Christmas. If MIL treated me that way and hubby still wanted to be around her, I''d be LIVID. He needs to stand up to her for your sake IMO.

 

[princesss]

I''m with oobiecoo. That''s nuts and I hope your DH isn''t standing for it.

 

[hibiscus]

Date: 10/11/2008 11:28:45 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 10/11/2008 11:07:00 PM
Author: littlelysser
Okay...I''m not meaning to be overly harsh here, but I *kind* of think you are wrong here...well, maybe not wrong, but really overreacting.

I would be the bigger and more compassionate person here. So you don''t get along with your MIL. That doesn''t change the fact that your DH''s grandmother is spending her first Christmas alone. Perhaps she would like to spend more than a single day with her family. I''m sure this is going to be a difficult holiday for her and having her family around would CERTAINLY help. So yeah, I completely understand why your DH''s family would choose to have Christmas near her. I really and truly do not think this is about you or your MIL trying to make you look bad at all...

I don''t know if you are aware of it, but your post really drips annoyance. Your MIL offered to come to you the next weekend - and you laughed at the offer? Sheesh. That seems harsh. My guess is she was trying to appease you since she knows you don''t want to travel for Christmas. I guess I don''t get your outrage at extending a specific invite on a specific day...it doesn''t sound like you are particularly accommodating or interested in spending any time with them. I read your earlier post about being SOO annoyed that your BIL (I think) was bringing their dog and having to buy an air mattress. It seems to me that you just really don''t like these people and are *kind* of looking for any reason to be mad at them...

Finally, I guess I don''t understand why would you only have 48 hours in Pittsburgh? BTW, it is spelled with an H on the end. If you were planning on taking the day before Christmas eve, Christmas eve, Christmas and the day following Christmas off, and then the following weekend, ...well, you''ve totally lost me how this all equals less than 48 hours in Pittsburgh.

As for what you should do...well, you can either go or not go. You and your DH made it clear that you didn''t want to travel...if that is what you guys want to do, then stay in Chicago, but I''d guess that there would be some pretty nasty fallout from that...and well, you''d probably look like the bad guy. But if you and your DH are okay with that, well, that is what matters.

Were I you, I''d go, have as much fun as possible, and next year plan Christmas in Chicago...plan a party or something so that it clear that you guys can''t or won''t travel...

Good luck.

First of all, we would be leaving for PA on Friday (after Christmas) and returning Sunday...the drive, each way, is 8+ hours depending on the weather. Regardless, we would not be spending the actual Christmas holiday together.

I, host Christmas for my family at my home. Every year. It''s tradition. I do not bend on this, and will never bend. Hence, offering for them to come here--on, or after.

Yes, I did laugh when she offered to come after Christmas. It defeats the purpose...and is a complete imposition. I do not run a hotel. I work 6 sometimes 7days a week...and take specific time off work when they visit...however, I cannot take time off immediately following the days I will have just taken off.

Am I looking for a fight? On a power trip? Prehaps it reads that way, but if you knew me, you''d know thats untrue. I want peace...and I bend for my MIL more times than not. I don''t complain that she never calls me, or rolled her eyes when I was referred to as her DIL at a family wedding...I don''t b***h when it comes to sending her free makeup, or EVER make my husband pick between she and I. I encourage him to call her...and I send her emails all the time about whats going on at home, work, socially whatever, I try to include her and find common ground--she in return, sends me forwards about women with low self essteem and finding God

. This is my life, I can do my best to share the details with you, but I''ll never do it 100% justice. Its goes deeper, and is harder and is sadder than I''ll ever find the right words to explain it all the way.

As far as my DH''s grandmother...its heartbreaking, I know this. I''m sad for her...and I know this holiday season will be hard. I would never ''take her daughter away'' and be so incredibly selfish. But, I didn''t see the harm in asking her to come the weekend after Christmas when she will be with her Mother during the week. Besides that, its not like my MIL is an only child...she has a sister and two brothers.

It seems universal where MIL stand.. It is definitely a messy situation when two family merge. I''m no exception. My DH parents just want pics and videos of her grandchild but would not come and visit us. A 10 hours drive to a casino is fine but 5 hours to ours is FAR. Anyway, that''s a totally different thread. Its not easy for you nor it is easy for your DH. Perhaps, this year, you compromise and next year you take your stand on the celebration.

Take care, I hope the holidays goes well.

 

[Elmorton]

Italia, I think this is the first time that I''ve ever thanked my lucky stars that my MIL is an athiest. Are you back to plan B (stay at home by yourselves) or still going to tough it out?

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I hate to say this, but I think no matter what you do, you are going to lose with MIL. I did what you did and went to see them on holidays when I said I didn''t want to, didn''t see my family because they were the nice, understanding ones, etc. After 5 years of this, my MIL spent the wedding weekend doing everything in her power to prevent the wedding from going through; things so reprehensible my DH asked me not to repeat them here. My point is, as long as she doesn''t like you, you are never going to win and you DH will always e caught in the middle. I suggest sitting down and having a long talk about setting boundaries and sticking to them, it may be the best thing you can do.