I'm not technically a LIW, but I have a Q for you ladies

[atp223]

My fiancé's brither's wedding was tonight (we are older but got engaged after and our wedding is in march). My FI and I just bought a house together, and have already planned our wedding. Yet, his family did not ask me to be in a single professional photo with the five of them plus the bride. Is that typical? Am I overreacting by being offended? I'm honestly just curious what people think...

 

[madelise]

I would be offended. It's not like you're just another 'flavor of the week'. I was in family photos with my ex, whom I was definitely not (even closed to) engaged with. . as well as an old HS boyfriend's family photos at his brother's wedding, WAY before an engagement age.


I find it odd that NONE of them had the courtesy? The kindness? The heart? To reach out to you to join them??
Whenever I take group photos, I'm always trying to drag everyone in, family or not. Did they literally just grab your FI away from you, and drag him into photos, leaving you there by yourself???



ETA-- ATP, did you talk to your FI about this? I'm so mad FOR you..

 

[supergirl10]

I would think this is quite strange also and I would be offended. Is it a cultural thing? as in, only spouses in pictures etc? Do you normally have a good relationship with your soon to be in-laws?

 

[Schafenm]

I would totally be offended! Now that SO family knows we are getting engaged I have been in all of the family pictures and portraits being taken. I hope you get that resolved and possibly talk to your FI. I'm sorry that happened to you! You should not feel left out of anything because this family will be your family soon too.

 

[princesss]

I wouldn't be offended. Not that it wouldn't sting, but technically you're still not family. You're not a favour of the week, but not family, either. I would shrug it off and look forward to your own wedding. After *that*, I would be offended not to be in family pictures!

 

[Enerchi]

my initial reaction was - whoa! ouch - and that I think I would be offended, but perhaps as Princesss noted, maybe they feel that until your wedding... "anything could happen" and that was why you weren't included?? Its too late, but are you at a point where you could ask either your future MIL or the bride, why? or would that just stir up trouble?

I'm sorry - I hope you can get passed this. It would irk me, too!

 

[atp223]

We do have a good relationship, and they are just sort of run of the mill American, so I don't think it was anything cultural or due to bad blood. In my original (drunk) post I should have clarified that my fiancé was the best man, and his sister was a bridesmaid, so they were all together doing wedding party pictures after the ceremony. Then they did family photos, and I hung around outside a couple feet off to the side to see if they needed me, but was never extended an invitation. There are three sibs in their fam, and this brother is the first to get married, so I'm sure it was just an oversight but I was still hurt that they didn't even ask me to be in a single one.

We were taken around and introduced to a bunch of people who had already booked their flights and hotels for our wedding, which isn't really relevant except that I felt like his dad was showing me off/drumming up excitement for our wedding, and was genuinely happy to do that, so it just rubbed me the wrong way that no one wanted a picture of the "whole" fam.

I did talk to my fiancé and he apologized and offered to try to get everyone together for another picture, but by the time we sat down and talked about it it was much later in the evening, and everyone was slightly intoxicated and a mess from dancing, so the opportunity for the posed family pictures was over.

ETA: enerchi - I told him that he needs to point out the oversight to his parents and tell them it hurt my feelings, just so they are aware.

At the end of the day, it's not the biggest deal; I just felt sort of excluded and sad, and wasn't sure if I was justified in feeling that was or was being ridiculous. So I turned to an objective third party pricescope . Thanks for the replies!!!

 

[AmeliaG]

I wouldn't be offended. Not that it wouldn't sting, but technically you're still not family.

My family is like that. We have a lot of broken engagements so I'm sure that plays a part. it sounds like your FIs family just forgot though or maybe it was a request from the bride's family to keep the pictures in the family.

I'd at least ask. If it was the bride's family, your ILs were a bit between a rock and a hard place so I'd give them a pass.

 

[Rhea]

I wouldn't be offended. It sounds like the photos were of the bridal party which you weren't part of and his family was. Not being in the family photos was probably just an oversight. Weddings are hectic, a whirlwind of chaos, and they probably won't even think about your not being in photos until they get their photos back in a few weeks.

 

[marymm]

I wouldn't be offended at all - after all, technically you aren't part of the groom's family until you and your fiance are married. I imagine the bride engaged the professional photographer and there was a specified list of photos he was instructed to take - your fiance's brother probably had very little to do with it.

If it were me, I would not want my fiance to make a point of telling his parents that you were hurt you weren't included in the family photos - this wedding wasn't about you, and if this complaint is made, it will get back to the bride and your fiance's brother and probably other family/friends - is that the kind of message you want to send to your new family-to-be? I totally understand you felt a little left out, and I could understand you mentioning it to your fiance... but it should stop there - it serves no purpose to inform his parents or anyone else that you were hurt other than to make you look like a complainer on someone else's big day (IMHO).

 

[junebug17]

I totally agree with marymm - I really don't think your fiance should say anything, I really think that would be a mistake - there's nothing to be done about it now, no good can come of it except to make people feel bad/guilty/miffed/embarassed etc - too much potential for drama.

 

[gatorblue]

I can see both sides of this, but if I found myself in your shoes I *know* I would have felt hurt. Maybe not forever, but in the moment, of course...

At my stepsister's wedding nearly 5 yrs ago, she made it a point to have at least a few professional family pics taken with my then-boyfriend. (We'd been together almost 4 years at that point and were discussing the M word.) Well, those pics obviously aren't gracing any walls or shelves now, but at the time I was grateful that she'd thought to include him.

My brother got married last year and although my current BF and I had been together 2.5 yrs and he was a groomsman, he wasn't in the family portraits - just the bridal party ones. I was a little disappointed at the time, but it was a temporarily feeling. He IS most definitely a part of the family, but weddings can be crazy (it would be easy to forget to include someone in a pic!) - not to mention, they tend to bring out a 'traditional' mindset in people who normally wouldn't be described as such.

I wouldn't take it as a sign that his family doesn't see you as a part of their group. Maybe use it as a lesson - if there's anyone you're not sure if you should include in YOUR wedding portraits, invite them in for at least 1 pic.

 

[mandasand]

I think it's a good idea to talk to the parents, the only difference is I would be the one to do it. If you are close to them, then you should feel comfortable telling them your feelings.

And, I bet it was just an oversight...sometimes the photographer doesn't think of every shot and the people in the pic are more concerned about looking in the camera and not looking bad than thinking about who else is standing in the pic with them. When I was married before a long time ago, we totally forgot to get a pic with the grandparents. So, it happens and try not to get too upset over it.

 

[AmeliaG]

At my stepsister's wedding nearly 5 yrs ago, she made it a point to have at least a few professional family pics taken with my then-boyfriend. (We'd been together almost 4 years at that point and were discussing the M word.) Well, those pics obviously aren't gracing any walls or shelves now, but at the time I was grateful that she'd thought to include him.

Honestly the first thing I thought when I read this thread was how glad I was that my ex didn't end up in the photos of my brother's wedding. Considering how we broke up that would have made looking at the wedding photos VERY awkward for all of us.

I'm amazed though at the comments advising atp233 not to say anything and we don't include FIs EVER. \We do let them know in advance so they don't get the wrong message. atp233 didn't get that though so she is understandably hurt. If the family really likes her, I can't imagine they'd harbor ill feelings towards her just for asking. There aren't any firm rules about this any more.

 

[sonnyjane]

Poignant timing! I'm actually on the way to the airport after attending my brother-in-law's wedding. I was not in the pictures. I wasn't asked not to be, but I think it was not really thought of. All of the siblings for both sides were in the wedding party and my husband is the only one that's married, so after the ceremony they were whisked off for pictures and to be honest I didn't think that I should be in them until reading your thread. Oh well!

 

[gem_anemone]

Not a LIW either, but as a former bride, the only thing I can tell you is that trying to get pics done at a wedding is crazy and it's hard to get them all in the short amount of time. From what I remember at our wedding we had a list, but there was no way we were getting through it, so my husband and I stood in the picture area and we were just randomly calling out the individual families as we could remember them to come up and get a pic with us. As an example, we got a pic with my brother, his fiance and their kids. However, I'm not so sure we got a pic with my husband's sister and her fiance. I would have to look. But if we didn't get it, it was not on purpose. I would have liked to have had that. We may have included his sister in the pic with his parents, but I honestly don't remember. I do however remember that if we did include my husband's sister with their parents, I'm 99% sure we did not include her fiance. I'm leaning towards that neither of them were in it though (three months ago and I already forget!) This would be nothing against the fiance, we were just taking a pic of my husband's parents and his actual sister. I guess since I was in it and I'm not related I can see where you are going with that and what you mean by the "whole" family. We didn't get one with my parents and brothers, but I would have liked to and I may not have included my brother's fiance, again nothing against her, just that these are my brothers. If I could do it over I would LOVE a pic of my parents, both brothers, the fiance and the kids!!! Ugh!! Too bad there are no do-overs!

At the end of the photo shoot we did a huge family photo that included everyone including engaged, baby mama/dadda etc so hopefully no one felt left out. It's really difficult to get people paying attention and in organized groups, making it very easy to overlook taking pictures with certain people that you would have liked to have on the day of the wedding. Because of this, if I were you I wouldn't hold too much of a grudge. Sorry that happened to you though! I don't think that it happened because people are not sure you will go through with the wedding. I think they just want pics with their own siblings, but it would have been nice to get pics with everyone if time allowed.

Sorry that was kind of long. I have a tendency to do that!

 

[madelise]

I'm amazed though at the comments advising atp233 not to say anything...

The perks of posting to an online community, is that you get a bunch of varying opinions and advices. This particular community is extremely supportive of each other regardless of dissenting opinion. I rather like that about our community! Have you seen other LIW communities? Man, girls bashing on each other for their posts, calling each other names, members and posts being banned and shut down every day…. lol!!


ATP, I hope you're feeling better about this, and it definitely makes more sense in why it happened, now that you say the photos came in succession immediately after a wedding party photo. It could have just gone by without a 2nd thought.. and that they truly did not mean to make you feel left out. It definitely sounds like his father is TOTEZ.EXCITED about your own upcoming nuptials, to be showing you off to distant relatives! You guys sound like you'll be alright

 

[AmeliaG]

I'm amazed though at the comments advising atp233 not to say anything...

The perks of posting to an online community, is that you get a bunch of varying opinions and advices. This particular community is extremely supportive of each other regardless of dissenting opinion. I rather like that about our community! Have you seen other LIW communities? Man, girls bashing on each other for their posts, calling each other names, members and posts being banned and shut down every day…. lol!!

I know that madelise; i'm not as new to PS as I seem; I was gone for a year but I was a member before that. And this is not the first online community I've belonged to; I know what bashing is and nobody in this thread has done any bashing.

I was simply stating my honest surprise at the comments advising atp233 not to say anything since my family excludes FIs from wedding pictures deliberately and it wouldn't have occurred to us at all to be offended if an FI asked why.

That's all!

 

[atp223]

I'm amazed though at the comments advising atp233 not to say anything...

The perks of posting to an online community, is that you get a bunch of varying opinions and advices. This particular community is extremely supportive of each other regardless of dissenting opinion. I rather like that about our community! Have you seen other LIW communities? Man, girls bashing on each other for their posts, calling each other names, members and posts being banned and shut down every day…. lol!!


ATP, I hope you're feeling better about this, and it definitely makes more sense in why it happened, now that you say the photos came in succession immediately after a wedding party photo. It could have just gone by without a 2nd thought.. and that they truly did not mean to make you feel left out. It definitely sounds like his father is TOTEZ.EXCITED about your own upcoming nuptials, to be showing you off to distant relatives! You guys sound like you'll be alright

Thanks Madelise! I do appreciate everyone's perspective. I feel like when you discuss things like this with your mom, sister, good friends, etc., they are always going to be biased - so it is refreshing to get anonymous reactions and opinions!

 

[Chewbacca]

It seems to be pretty standard, bride and groom posing with the parents and siblings from each family, sans add-ons! It was perhaps remiss to forget to take an in-law's etc photo as well though! But as above have said, there are lots of things to slip through the cracks on a wedding day.

At my SO's brothers wedding I was not invited into the immediate family photo (granted we are not married, but together for five years at the time). However I was in the 'everyone' photo which included another girlfriend (dating two months, bit of a controversial invite by the parents ha ha!), a past next door neighbor and a family friend. I was a little miffed at the time, but only for a second. I figure who cares if I'm in the same group category as the next door neighbor, at least I look slammin' in the photo.

I'll do it how I want it on my own wedding day, right! As can you!

Let us know about how your in-laws respond to your SO bringing this up to them. I'm curious!

 

[lkc84]

When my sister got married last year, my BF of 8 years (soon be be engaged) was not included in the family pictures, however, she made a point to get a professional picture of just the two of us. I thought that was nice. Neither I nor BF were offended that he wasn't in the pics, but then again, the norm with my family is you are not in "official" family portraits (wedding, Xmas card, etc) until married. Every family is different, and if it's really bothering you and you have a good relationship with his parents, I don't see a problem with gently bringing it up.

As someone mentioned above, wedding pictures are crazy and leaving you out might not have been intentional. Especially since your family member was the groom as opposed to the bride and getting the list of photos together gets a little insane. I hope you are feeling better about this and it sounds like your family is super excited for when it's your turn

 

[AprilBaby]

As a MIL I would think you would not be in official photo until you were actually married. What if by some small chance your engagement fell thru?