I''m new and need help!!!

[Bdiddy26]

First I just want to say Hello!

I have been reading your posts for a few days and you all seem like such nice people I just wanted to ask you a few questions and vent.

I have been dating my bf now for 4 1/2 years and living together for 3 1/2 years. I want nothing more than to get married and have some babies. My bf has known this since day one and says he wants the same but never does anything about it and it''s getting really frustrating! The fact that we have built this life together is wonderful but I just want the security of being married; is that so wrong? I have given him til June to ask and told him I don''t even need a ring, I would be happy with him just asking, but he refuses to ask me with out a ring. June is quickly approching and it just seems like he isn''t even thinking about it

Everyone keeps asking me "what are you going to do in june? You know he''s not going to ask you, are you going to kick him out or what?" I don''t know what to do. I love him and don''t want to leave him but if it goes past june and I do nothing nothing is ever going to happen! To put the cherry on the cake one of my bestfriends is getting married soon and they haven''t even been together more than a year and everytime they talk about the wedding I can''t help but say something or feel something about my bf and myself and they don''t want me around any more b/c it''s annoying. What should I do?

 

[Bia]

Firstly, Hello and Welcome

Secondly, Question: Does he know he has till June? If so, is that really how you want your proposal? I certainly wouldn't. I firmly believe that giving ultimatums is never a good idea, especially in this case. However, if you reach a point where you no longer care to wait, then you should do what is best for you. But threats are just threats.

If he doesn't know he has until June, AND he is saying he's ready but just doesn't want to propose without a ring then maybe try working out some type of compromise. Could you both start some type of ring fund and contribute each week or month (at least there you will see some progress).

I'm not really sure, but I AM sure that some of the ladies here can help. Don't lose hope just yet!

 

[veryprettygood]

Hi, my situation was kinda similar. I can tell you the best way to get a guy to do something is appeal to his inner Knight in Shining Armor.
I said it to my guy in a way that was, like, WAAAY sweet. I told him in the most vulnerable way possible that I want to be his wife, I love him I know he is the one and I would die of happiness if he proposed to me. I also picked out a ring that was in our price range and showed it to him. I mean I showed it to him every day. HTH!!!

 

[gwendolyn]

I have a friend who's been with her boyfriend over 8 years now. When they had been together for 10 or 11 months (over 7 years ago), she talked to him about how she wanted to get married, have a family, etc. He said he didn't want to talk about it. She has since threatened to leave him about 100 times casually, maybe 6 times seriously--the last time was in November when she had looked at apartments she could afford on her own, gave him a last-chance date, said she didn't need a ring and would be happy just going to city hall to get married. She never left him. They are still boyfriend and girlfriend. He know he doesn't have to listen when she says she will leave, because she doesn't follow up her words with action. She blames him for being miserable (she is about to turn 32 and feels she's running out of time to have a family), but she is in control of her own life and has the power to walk away and find someone else. She just can't bring herself to do anything other than mope.

If you talked to him and said that if there is no proposal by June (the end of?) that you are leaving, you need to leave. Otherwise, he won't take you seriously, and you won't take yourself seriously either. I don't think you want to end up like my friend.

If June is an internal time line of yours, I would (in your place) sit down and talk to him and say that you love him, you want to be his wife, and that no piece of jewelry matters compared to that. Then tell him that you feel very frustrated with your current situation and that you aren't willing to wait indefinitely for him to afford a ring when you are perfectly happy to wait for a ring. If he insists on giving you a ring when he proposes, ask how long he thinks it will be until he would be able to propose. If his time line is acceptable to you, then great! No dramatic exits needed. If not, maybe you could suggest a very inexpensive ring he could use instead or that you could help pay for the ring as a compromise.

Best wishes! Oh yeah, and welcome!

 

[sammyj]

Hmmm..well, first, WELCOME!

Second, why is everyone telling you that "you know he''s not going to ask you [in June]?" Does he have a complex about marriage? Does he even see marriage (to anyone) in his future? Or is it a financial issue?

If it''s the latter, then Bia''s advice to both contribute to a ring (if he''s ok with it) is great.

If it''s the former, then you need to make your wants and needs crystal clear to your BF, determine whether or not he''s able to give you what you need, and then decide what''s best for YOU in spite of this life you''ve built together.

 

[inloveinpa]

Hi Bdiddy26! I am also new to PS and I understand your frustration. Recently a couple of my friends have gotten engaged in the last 2 months, one of which has been with her boyfriend for a lot less time than I have been with my bf. I know it''s hard to wait, but putting pressure on your bf (and a timeframe) probably won''t work. Unfortunately a lot of guys don''t have the same mentality that us ladies have where we get to a point and are ready to start our family, move to the next level, etc. I have been with my bf for over 3 years now and we live together. I want nothing more than to marry him, spend my life with with him, and start a family. But I also know that he definitely will not propose if he feels pressured...it takes the fun out of them feeling like they have accomplished something really great if they are being pressured and timed on when they have to do it by.

I know it''s really hard, but if you think he will never propose and that is what you want, then maybe it''s not the relationship you should be in. If you think he will, but needs to do it on his own time, then you will wait for him. I think we definitely need to cut our guys some slack...it is a huge financial and emotional committment for them to buy us a ring and ask us to spend the rest of our lives together. And you never know...he may already have the ring and is just waiting for the perfect moment when you are thinking about it or expecting it to give it to you!

I feel your pain and I really hope it works out the way you want it to!

I have to remind myself everyday that I have to cut my bf some slack as he is doing the best he can and to just live in the moment. If we keep worrying about the proposal everyday, this beautiful thing called life will pass us by!

 

[ilovesparkles]

I have to say ultimatums are a bit immature, and I think they should only be used if the couple has talked through things and decided together that by this time, you have to make a decision on this subject or this is going to be the outcome. Like the other girls have said, you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with him. Tell him what you want and need for the relationship to move forward. Find out what he is feeling and the thoughts he is having on the subject. Come to a compromise, or at least a time line on when some decisions are going to be made. I wish you the best and keep us updated!

 

[Treasure43]

Hello and welcome!

I''m sorry that you''re feeling so frustrated. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting marriage, especially after being together (and living together) for as long as you have. As for the June timeline, does he know about this? Is it something you''ve carefully discussed with him or is it more of an ultimatium? Ultimatiums rarely work and if you DON''T leave him, as you''ve said you would than he won''t take you seriously.

I''d suggest sitting down with him and letting him know how important it is for you to be his wife. Tell him that he can always propose with a stand-in ring and upgrade later, if it''s the financial reason that is holding him back. Or come up with a timeline that works for you BOTH. It can be a tough thing for a guy to admit he doesn''t have the finances to propose so that could be the reason. Ultimatly, I''d make sure you find out when he can see himself proposing. Six months? A year? etc. If he seems sincere about wanting to propose and the timeline can work for you then great! However, if you feel like he''s putting you off then it may be time to reevaluate.

You say that your friends keep saying he won''t propose in June. Any ideas on why they feel that way? You also say that it seems like he isn''t thinking about it. What makes you say this? Is it a gut feeling or something you heard or saw? Perhaps he already has the ring and you don''t know it. Perhaps not. Have you two looked at rings together? That might be something to get the ball rolling. Maybe go to a few stores and try on some rings and figure out what you like. This should give yu an indication of how he''s feeling about the situation.

Anyway, good luck! Keep us posted and know you can always vent to us or come to us for advice

 

[bee*]

I would definitely sit down and talk to him about it. Does he know about the June ultimatum? Are you planning on following through if he doesn''t propose? Will you be happy if he does propose due to the ultimatum? I can definitely understand how you want to be married to him but if you can talk to him and find out how he''s feeling about the whole thing, I would. Also I know that it''s really hard not to compare relationships when your friends are getting engaged and married, but try not to. Each relationship is different and will move at a different pace.

 

[LadyBlue]

I think you should have a talk with your SO, tell him how your fee; , how important for you is to get married, and how sad make you feel that he does not want to commit with you. If he does not show any understanding, and care about make you feel better, then I will be wondering if he is the right guy.

Maybe he really want to propose with a ring, and you could wait a little more, but he need to show you that he is doing something to make you happy as well.

Good luck.

 

[Bdiddy26]

Two years ago he took me and his daughter ring shopping, I asked him last year why he did that to me if he had no intentions in asking me. Did he just want to get my hopes up? I asked and he told me, no that maybe it would just tide me over for awhile. It''s not like picked out a really expensive ring or anything it was only $600. Last summer he told me his mom gave him a diamond and he just needed to get a setting for it but everytime he saves up his money he spends it on things we don''t need.

Last June I sat him down and discussed with him why I wanted to get married and why I wanted to get married sooner rather than later and he agreed with all of my points. I told him at that time that I would not but able to wait for him forever and that if he didn''t ask me in about a year or so I would have to move on. He always talks about getting married and what we''re going to do for our wedding but I wish he wouldn''t talk about it any more b/c it makes me upset. Everytime I just forget about it and don''t care anymore he brings it up.

I think he is scared b/c his parents went through a nasty divorce when he was younger and he doesn''t want to ever get divorced. I also think even though he loves kids and is great with them he is afraid to have more b/c him and his daughter''s mom fight ALLLLLLLL the time about everything. I try and tell him that if we ever have kids of our own it would be different b/c we could parent together and it would be a lot easier. I don''t know.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 4/16/2009 4:21:00 PM
Author: Bdiddy26
Two years ago he took me and his daughter ring shopping, I asked him last year why he did that to me if he had no intentions in asking me. Did he just want to get my hopes up? I asked and he told me, no that maybe it would just tide me over for awhile. It''s not like picked out a really expensive ring or anything it was only $600. Last summer he told me his mom gave him a diamond and he just needed to get a setting for it but everytime he saves up his money he spends it on things we don''t need.



Last June I sat him down and discussed with him why I wanted to get married and why I wanted to get married sooner rather than later and he agreed with all of my points. I told him at that time that I would not but able to wait for him forever and that if he didn''t ask me in about a year or so I would have to move on. He always talks about getting married and what we''re going to do for our wedding but I wish he wouldn''t talk about it any more b/c it makes me upset. Everytime I just forget about it and don''t care anymore he brings it up.


I think he is scared b/c his parents went through a nasty divorce when he was younger and he doesn''t want to ever get divorced. I also think even though he loves kids and is great with them he is afraid to have more b/c him and his daughter''s mom fight ALLLLLLLL the time about everything. I try and tell him that if we ever have kids of our own it would be different b/c we could parent together and it would be a lot easier. I don''t know.

So, are you going to move on? If you want to get married and have kids and you aren''t sure he wants either, will you stay knowing that things may never change?

 

[Bdiddy26]

Date: 4/16/2009 4:37:56 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 4/16/2009 4:21:00 PM
Author: Bdiddy26
Two years ago he took me and his daughter ring shopping, I asked him last year why he did that to me if he had no intentions in asking me. Did he just want to get my hopes up? I asked and he told me, no that maybe it would just tide me over for awhile. It''s not like picked out a really expensive ring or anything it was only $600. Last summer he told me his mom gave him a diamond and he just needed to get a setting for it but everytime he saves up his money he spends it on things we don''t need.



Last June I sat him down and discussed with him why I wanted to get married and why I wanted to get married sooner rather than later and he agreed with all of my points. I told him at that time that I would not but able to wait for him forever and that if he didn''t ask me in about a year or so I would have to move on. He always talks about getting married and what we''re going to do for our wedding but I wish he wouldn''t talk about it any more b/c it makes me upset. Everytime I just forget about it and don''t care anymore he brings it up.


I think he is scared b/c his parents went through a nasty divorce when he was younger and he doesn''t want to ever get divorced. I also think even though he loves kids and is great with them he is afraid to have more b/c him and his daughter''s mom fight ALLLLLLLL the time about everything. I try and tell him that if we ever have kids of our own it would be different b/c we could parent together and it would be a lot easier. I don''t know.

So, are you going to move on? If you want to get married and have kids and you aren''t sure he wants either, will you stay knowing that things may never change?

That''s why I''m so confused right now, he says he wants to marry me and have kids with me but it just doesn''t seem like he does. I''m not getting any younger and my family has always had problems getting pregnant. I''m scared the longer I wait the less chance I have of ever getting pregnant. I keep asking him to tell me truthfully what he wants and he says he wants that same things.

 

[gwendolyn]

Well, you have a couple of months until the end of June, but I think you need to pay attention to his actions more than his words. If he says he wants to get married, and you don''t need a ring, and would be happy with an inexpensive ring if he insisted on giving you one, AND HE''S HAD A YEAR to get his act together and still nothing happens? What''s his excuse, other than he just doesn''t want to?

Not trying to be mean, hon, but if things don''t happen by June, I think you should stick by your words that you''ll move on, otherwise you may grow to resent him as your child-bearing years fade away and you get no closer to being married and having a family.

 

[Bdiddy26]

Date: 4/16/2009 5:10:31 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Well, you have a couple of months until the end of June, but I think you need to pay attention to his actions more than his words. If he says he wants to get married, and you don''t need a ring, and would be happy with an inexpensive ring if he insisted on giving you one, AND HE''S HAD A YEAR to get his act together and still nothing happens? What''s his excuse, other than he just doesn''t want to?

Not trying to be mean, hon, but if things don''t happen by June, I think you should stick by your words that you''ll move on, otherwise you may grow to resent him as your child-bearing years fade away and you get no closer to being married and having a family.

It''s ok you''re not being mean I asked for help and I thank all of you wonderful ladies for the help! I think right now I''m just in a funk and need to snap out of it!!! Maybe a little pity party with some good wine and good friends would do it!!!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Have you thought about couples counseling? I think people are too afraid of doing this, but is something that can be immensely helpful!

 

[CurlySue]

I just read through this thread, and I have to say I agree with the comments Gwen has posted here, assuming you are 100% sure he knows exactly how you feel right now.

At this point, actions speak louder than words. So if you truly know in your heart that you will not be happy with him unless he marries you, then you need to show him. Otherwise, you''re sending the wrong message. By staying with him w/o being engaged or getting married, you''re basically telling him that you are OK with just living with him.

 

[Bdiddy26]

Hi Ladies! I just wanted to thank you for all your great advice and let you know that I might not even need it!

Last night we were talking and he asked me what ring size I wear and let me know that he was going to be doing a few side jobs for some extra money!!! After that he kept being extra lovey and sweet to me sooooooooo I''m pretty sure I know what he is going to do with the extra money! Now all I have to do is wait!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 4/30/2009 4:52:49 PM
Author: Bdiddy26
Hi Ladies! I just wanted to thank you for all your great advice and let you know that I might not even need it!

Last night we were talking and he asked me what ring size I wear and let me know that he was going to be doing a few side jobs for some extra money!!! After that he kept being extra lovey and sweet to me sooooooooo I''m pretty sure I know what he is going to do with the extra money! Now all I have to do is wait!

First......a big welcome and hello to you!

Glad I read the last posting before posting myself. That sounds like great news! Looks like problem (hopefully) resolved.

 

[tlh]

Date: 4/30/2009 4:52:49 PM
Author: Bdiddy26
Hi Ladies! I just wanted to thank you for all your great advice and let you know that I might not even need it!

Last night we were talking and he asked me what ring size I wear and let me know that he was going to be doing a few side jobs for some extra money!!! After that he kept being extra lovey and sweet to me sooooooooo I''m pretty sure I know what he is going to do with the extra money! Now all I have to do is wait!

That sounds like good news!!!! Best wishes!

 

[ilovesparkles]

I am glad to hear there has been some progress! Here is some good old PS DUST for you! And keep us updated!
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