I''m losing faith!

[caribqueen]

Believe me when I say I am trying to be positive about everything. I mean, I’m the one who’s always telling everyone else that everything happens for a reason and it’s all supposed to work out in the end and every other saying that sounds like that. But I need to vent right now.

At the end of 2007, my BF and I started talking seriously about getting engaged. I knew he had not done any research or bought anything, then. We ended up going home to visit family over the holidays that year and he asked my dad for his blessing. (I know because my dad blurted it out right after BF left). So again, that was December 2007. Knowing that my BF was serious I was relieved and felt, well if he asked my dad, it must be coming within months.

In the beginning of 2008 we started going to stores together to see what I liked, but my tastes kept changing. I think it’s because until you try on something you really like, you can be undecided. At one point, we had even argued about whether I’d have any say in the matter – like actually help pick it out. Well, he finally softened and came to me to go pick out our ring together. I was stoked, ecstatic, relieved! W picked it out (white gold w/princess cut) that spring (200 and put it on layaway.

Then he was injured while playing sports and that required surgery, not once but twice, because the surgeon didn’t do something right the first time. When that happened, we had to cancel the layaway and I tried not to be that selfish person. But I’m sorry, I’m in my 30’s for God’s sake and I finally thought my time was coming. So then after that, I got over it and he secretly went back and had the place order the same style. He didn’t reveal that to me until the end of last year. I thought it was very sweet because he knew that I had fallen in love with that style. Ladies, you know how it is. When you know what you want, you want that! He took me to see it, and I noticed that it was several hundred dollars more than what the original one cost. (This is why I had to have part in the matter because he, like most guys does not pay attention to details sometimes). Anyway, I was okay with it as long as he was okay paying the extra amount of money.

As fate would have it, right around that time he found out that he was going to be laid off from his job. He was very positive about things and continued forward with his plans for the ring. We were fortunate that his employer valued him and moved him into another position. Then there was a sign to me that everything happens for a reason, because we ended up seeing a platinum style ring similar but daintier than the white gold one that was actual lower in price (less diamonds and less metal). So now this new one is on layaway and if I’m correct about it, it could be a matter of weeks or just a couple months before I get it. (I think he’s paying more than expected, plus we have plans to visit family next month. In my female mind I think it would be nice for us to go home engaged since we don’t see them that often.)

So now, in my mind, I’m thinking “okay, I’m down to homestretch – no more than a month or so….” and then BAM. Today he told me, his job is ordering furlough days. Why????? I believe my BF is doing everything he can to make my dream ring possible for me, within his means. He''s a hard-worker, hustles and is ambitious. We live middle class, not rich, but as you know these days middle class is disappearing, so it''s beginning to be a struggle. I don''t in anyway blame him.

BF and I haven’t dated a terribly long time (3+ years which is decent), but I am in my early 30’s. I waited to marry because I wanted to concentrate on my career. My career, by the way, is in an industry that is dying. The same thing is happening to my BF. He has a BA and worked for 10+ years up to a managerial position, to now have to think about starting over in another industry because of this economic mess.

I know this economy is not happening to him or us, or me directly and I’m thankful by the way, that I still have a job. But is it really supposed to be this difficult? My ring is modest, not showy, not glam, not blingy, but decent for what my BF can afford. I just want to get married and start my life with my man. But it’s like at every turn, there’s a new challenge. Please tell me that someone else can relate?

 

[LaraOnline]

I feel for you. I also ''waited'' *eyeroll* until my thirties to get married. However, unlike you, I did not wait long once I met the right man!
I was chomping at the bit, and we basically had to find the cheapest ring I could live with, if I wanted an engagement ring at all, that is!

It took me about four months of constant shopping (post engagement) to find the ring... I love it now, it is dainty, restrained, and I never feel out of place wearing it. *heart*

People say well you don''t need an engagement ring to marry, and that is true. I guess if push came to shove, I would have considered that route if I coulnd''t find a ring that fitted my budget... perhaps you should consider ''setting the date'' and announcing the engagement right now anyway - particularly as you know that a ring is ''in the works''...?

My sister-in-law didn''t get an engagement ring, until my brother and her renewed their vows 20 years after the original wedding. She has the patience of a saint!

Anyway, I''m glad I DID get an engagement ring, and I hope you get a pretty one too. But if I had to make the grim choice, I''d take the perfect man now and bill him for the ring later - not 20 years later!!

 

[JulieN]

you don''t need more than about $30 to get married. Yeah, there''s the ring of your dreams... and then there''s the man of your dreams.

 

[Sharon101]

I see 2 seperate issues. One is that your economic situation at the moment does not really allow for the ring that you want. It seems that this has been the case for awhile now. Its a double saddness and dissappointment that you were promiced the ring and vertually had it in your possession. It would not be easy to have it then hear you cant have it. But, at the end of the day no engagement ring doesnt stop a couple from getting engaged or married. Seriously many people do not have an engagement ring by choice, even though for you it would not be your real choice.

The second issue seems to involve the difficulties and uncertainties of the current economic environment and how that has effected your relationship and your life. I think hard times do make it harder to be happily in love.

If you really believe that this guy is your partner for life, I think you should just get engaged without a ring. However, if you feel that things dont feel right across the board and that your partner is not commited to a future with you for any number of reasons, maybe give yourself a time limit here.

But I do understand that life can be scarey when your future is uncertain and when you have to start again after working so hard to get somewhere in a chosen industry.

Good luck and Im sorry that you are experiencing hardship and dissapointment so early in the relationship.

 

[bee*]

If you want to get married sooner than later, than I would get married without the ering and get that when things pick up again. Or get engaged with a band and you can always get the ering for the wedding day. It shouldn''t hold you back from getting married.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 3/21/2009 11:08:36 AM
Author: bee*
If you want to get married sooner than later, than I would get married without the ering and get that when things pick up again. Or get engaged with a band and you can always get the ering for the wedding day. It shouldn''t hold you back from getting married.

Well said. If the time is right who cares about the ring? Don''t let it stop you from marrying the man you love.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 3/21/2009 11:17:45 AM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 3/21/2009 11:08:36 AM
Author: bee*
If you want to get married sooner than later, than I would get married without the ering and get that when things pick up again. Or get engaged with a band and you can always get the ering for the wedding day. It shouldn''t hold you back from getting married.

Well said. If the time is right who cares about the ring? Don''t let it stop you from marrying the man you love.

thirtto. I think in these times, every minute a of stress feels much bigger than it should or is be. I know, as i too have faced two rounds of layoff - so i get it. it IS stressful.
try and re focus.
*hugs*

 

[freudianflip]

I totally understand how you feel, caribqueen. My BF and I have been through a similar experience with his career situation/ finances, and it has totally affected the timeline and circumstances of our plans for engagement and marriage. BF has his own business, which was never able to fully get off of the ground before the mess with the economy began, and now he has very little work and few alternative job prospects. In our case, unlike yours, BF wouldn''t consider buying a ring until he felt more financially stable. It was a point of contention between us for a long time. Recently though, he''s realized that financial stability could be very far off, and rather than wait forever to propose (which I doubt I could have tolerated) he just went ahead and bought the ring. It''s being made as we speak. Fortunately we have a family diamond and only needed to purchase a setting... but believe me, right now, even the modest cost of a setting is a lot of money for us. We''re also in our 30''s and I had many, many moments when I wondered if an engagement was EVER going to happen.

I agree with the posters who''ve stated that there are two issues that come through in your post: one is the financial challenge of getting your dream ring; the other is the difficulties and uncertainties of the current economic environment and how that has effected your relationship and your life. These are scary times for many of us. It''s hard to go along as if everything is just fine, when you''re freaking out about money, job stability, and plans for the future. Happily, though, you have a man who sounds devoted to you and your engagement is right around the corner! Why not have him propose with a simple band, which could be your wedding band later, then you''ll have a sentimental ring to symbolize your engagement. You can always get a more traditional e-ring later when you''re BF''s job situation shifts toward a more stable place. The important thing is that the two of you are together, and you are on the same page about where you want your relationship to be.

Lots of luck with this! I really feel that you both will figure this out together

 

[caribqueen]

A big thanks for humoring my post. It''s really, really long and I apologize. I appreciate the feedback and support. Unfortunately, at this time, the timeline is really not up to me. BF wants to give me an engagement ring and I think that after all this time he''s going to keep on that path. I''ve told him I didn''t need anything - that a string would do and he just shrugs it off. He wants to do it and I don''t think there''s convincing him otherwise. So I''ll just wait (hopefully no more than the next month or so).

We''re fortunate on other fronts that my parents still want to take care of the wedding and eloping would be a huge insult to them (it''s a cultural and family thing). I''m the only girl and it''s important for my father.

I do believe (deep down) that BF and I may not be as bad off as many in this country right now, and that there will be better days for us. I just needed to complain a bit. Thanks for reading.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 3/21/2009 11:08:36 AM
Author: bee*
If you want to get married sooner than later, than I would get married without the ering and get that when things pick up again. Or get engaged with a band and you can always get the ering for the wedding day. It shouldn''t hold you back from getting married.

Ditto bee*. One of the things we''re looking forward to about being married are tax breaks, insurance discounts, etc. When FI started putting the numbers together, he realized how much more money he''ll be making and how much money we''ll be saving, and suddenly this getting married stuff was pretty awesome! (The goon...)

So I''d say, just go get married!

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 3/21/2009 1:05:36 PM
Author: caribqueen
A big thanks for humoring my post. It''s really, really long and I apologize. I appreciate the feedback and support. Unfortunately, at this time, the timeline is really not up to me. BF wants to give me an engagement ring and I think that after all this time he''s going to keep on that path. I''ve told him I didn''t need anything - that a string would do and he just shrugs it off. He wants to do it and I don''t think there''s convincing him otherwise. So I''ll just wait (hopefully no more than the next month or so).

We''re fortunate on other fronts that my parents still want to take care of the wedding and eloping would be a huge insult to them (it''s a cultural and family thing). I''m the only girl and it''s important for my father.

I do believe (deep down) that BF and I may not be as bad off as many in this country right now, and that there will be better days for us. I just needed to complain a bit. Thanks for reading.

Ahh...scratch my last post then. I think you and I are similar in our situations. I also told FI that I didn''t need a ring, and he insisted on it. And my dad would be terribly insulted if we just ran off and got married.

(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

It will all work out.

 

[ringless]

Oh hun, I know what you mean. I''m not in my 30''s {mid 20''s}, but I''ve been with my bf for 7 1/2 years! We have had some hard times financially, and now with the economy the way it is, even though we are secure in our jobs, it is a really hard time right now. I dont see us getting married If I do get engaged this year, until 2011! That seems like years away... but it is needed just so we can save and pay for our own wedding, and hopefully look into purchasing our first home. It is all so stressful, but you are so fortunate and lucky to have what you do. I am rooting for you, and how exciting you will get a proposal very soon... that is so exciting!