I''m hurt and embarrassed

[jas]

I''m in a bit of a pickle...

I got engaged on Sunday (whee!) and we''re now in a whirlwind of happy planning for an October wedding (ack!)

It seems the whole world is smiling on us, except for my sister.

My older sister suffers from severe depression and anxiety, coupled with a lot of anger. This came on in her teens, and for the last 20 years, we''ve been civil, but I''ve been a dumping ground/easy mark for her anger and pain. I have always understood that this is the illness, and have been able to deal with it logically, but generally she''s happier if we stay on the occasional email "What''s new" level. It''s been hard, but she has told my mom that she feels..not jealous, but she sees my life (which, trust me has not been glorious) and wonders why she can''t have things as easy as (she perceives) I have it. It''s easier for her to have pulled back. The last time we saw each other, for my parent''s 38th anniversary, she literally walked out of the room and locked herself in her bedroom for 3 days because she couldn''t handle it. When she emerged for their celebratory dinner, she snapped at everything I said. If I made a joke, she told me I was inappropriate. If I said something sentimental, she brooded. If I said nothing, she was happy.

We don''t fight or anything, it''s just...well it''s just what it is. I feel I have a biological sister, but not much else. I have a brother, and he and I are close. She''s sort of close with him, but she dumps on him a lot.

She''s been on meds for a couple of years, and according to my mom, it keeps her on an even keel at work and in public, but she can only hold it together for so long, so the family is her "safe" zone. She recently went off meds because she''s interviewing for new jobs and doesn''t want the "fog" that comes with the meds. It''s been rough.

Trust me, this is killing my mom and dad, but they have strong coping mechanisms and have learned how to navagate things.

So, we carefully told her about my engagement when it happened. She said congratulations and all seemed well. We thought that, while this might be something she''d filter in her own mind as the world focusing on her "failures", that she would understand that this is a joyous time for us, especially considering I just survived a "slight" bout of cancer and have been struggling to get to a good point in my career for years. That and I had to kiss several frogs (and toads) before finding my beloved.

With my parents'' approval, and because I want my wedding day to be about family, I asked if she would consider (she didn''t have to answer right away) being my MOH, and if not that, at least standing up at the wedding with me because I wanted my sister with me.

I guess I shouldn''t have, because she barked at me that I shouldn''t be rushing the engagement and why am I planning this now (umm, it''s in 5 months) and that she wasn''t sure she could get away from work for the wedding (we haven''t set an exact date yet!) because she''s under a lot of stress (which, admittedly she is, but I know that she has scores of vacation time and that October is a "slow" time at her job).

I feel so hurt, but I can''t get over how embarrassed I am. I told my FI, because he wants to pick a best man (he has no brothers but lotsa friends) and casually asked who I wanted to stand beside me. I''m embarrassed because his sisters have been more sisterly to me than my own. I''m embarrassed because I feel I triggered something in her. I''m embarrassed because I know this makes her look like a mess. I''m embarrassed because I''m afraid she won''t come. I''m embarrassed because I''m afraid she will come! I know she''d have been hurt if I didn''t ask.

I can only hope she gets back on them, but to be honest, I have this little voice inside me telling me that I''d be hurt LESS by her not showing up than by her showing up and making my parents sad and making the whole family walk on eggshells.

She''s never met my fiancee, and rejected my suggestion that we both call her this weekend so i can at least introduce them over the phone.

I feel like the smallest person in the world. And the biggest heel. It''s not that it''s about me...C and I want this to be about our families...and I feel I can''t even do that.

Jackie

 

[Rebemdee]

I''m so sorry this has made your engagement less joyful. You have NO REASON to feel embarassed. You did what a loving sister would do; you tried to include her and she turned you down. Now you ask somebody who really will help you to be your MOH. Of course your sister will be invited to the wedding, and if she chooses not to come, so be it. My brother didn''t come to my wedding, and it was his choice completely. He felt I ignored and abandoned him because I didn''t personally call to ask him to come, even though I didn''t do that for the other 60 people invited, and decided getting an invitation in the mail wasn''t good enough (and there''s other stuff too, some of it amazingly similar to your sister''s issues). So I didn''t call, he didn''t come, and honestly, I was relieved.

It''s hard to take a step back and see it, but this isn''t about you. It''s about her and how horrible she feels about herself. Imagine how bad she makes you feel; she must make herself feel 100 times worse. I don''t think it''s a great idea for her to be in the wedding party; it probably is too much for her, but certainly she can be there and sit with your parents.

Don''t be embarassed...just have sympathy for her, because if you can keep that in your dealings with her, you''ll be able to see her as a fragile, sad person instead of a mean spirited evil person.

Best wishes for you...and remember...she owns her behavior and feelings, and what she does and says is not about you, it''s a reflection of her inner turmoil.

 

[jas]

Thank you for that. I don''t see her as evil. I see her as in so much pain that some of it has to spill out towards other people or it would destroy her. I have been dreading this part of my wedding since i was 11!

But thank you for your words...I''m actually tearing up. It''s a good release for me.

Best,
Jackie

 

[allycat0303]

Oh Jas, It''s really tricky with sisters. On the day I got engaged, my sister CRIED! It was a massive drama. To me it made sense, I''ve been with my boyfriend for 11 years (she''s been with hers for 3 1/2) and I''m older by 2 years. But to her, it wasn''t a happy time for me.

She has always been the prettier, smarter, sweeter, more successful sister. My aunt has a theory that she is so used to be so much better then me, that she reacts very strongly to the slightest hint of competition. But that just goes to say that you can never anticipate how sister''s will react, there''s all sorts of sibling rivialry etc, even if it''s hidden. And the ways you precieve your life, may not be the way she precieves it. It''s always easier to be someone else. We all believe that.

So I really feel for you, I don''t have any good advice other then to let her behavior go, and concentrate on yourself and your future husband!

 

[MelissaSue]

I''m so sorry that you had to go through this. Its hard to reach out to someone only to be stomped on. I will tell you this though, I asked my sister to be my MOH.. and almost immediately I wished that I didn''t ask her.. . I ended up having two MOH''s and had my other one be the official witness, stand closest to me, etc.. My sister was helpful with some things, but we mostly just clashed about EVERYTHING.. Everything was all about her.. she refused to give a toast.. because she told me the anxiety would ruin her day. She didn''t even want to bring her kids to the reception..uhh. they were in the wedding... because she wouldn''t have any fun. She threw me a bachellorette party and then invited all her friends and they stayed for not even an hour and then left and went to another bar.. And dont'' even get me STARTED on my shower.. Oh and then she told everyone that I bossed her around at the bachelorette party and the rehearsal and the wedding..

Anyway.. I guess my point is.. don''t have your sister as a bridesmaid just because she''s your sister. If she wont'' make your day happier.. she shouldn''t be involved.. I know its harsh.. but its true. I''m sorry she hurt you so much..and you''ll probably have to continue to deal with her drama for awhile..which sucks.. but I hope you can try to let it slide and enjoy being engaged and planning your wedding.

 

[widget]

Oh, jas....Your post just broke my heart. I just hate it that your sister's illness has made YOU feel hurt and/or embarrassed! Please please don't!! This is not about you.

I agree with everything Rebemdee said.

You did the loving thing by asking her to be your MOH...now try to move on and ENJOY the happy months ahead!

((hugs))
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PS: I think if she decides she will do it, that you should consider having a dear supportive "co-moh", too.

PPS Congratulations on your engagement!!!!!!

 

[decodelighted]

Jas ...
My heart really goes out to you. You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about!!!! Your fiance (congrats!!) loves YOU ... family is secondary & people are more understanding about mental illness these days anyway. BELIEVE ME ... every family has their *something*. There''s mental illness in my immediate family too, and my brother sent a particularly cruel email recently attacking myself, my fiance (who he''s never met) and our wedding plans (also October!) ... I had to ask my parents to set up a different email account to communicate with me as he''d taken over & was filtering everything through him. He won''t attend the wedding - mostly ''cause he hasn''t left my parents house in about eight years now (says alot, no?) - but, after this incident, I''m kinda relieved about that.

It may really be too much for her to be your MOH. And not to your advantage AT ALL. How ''bout your brother - Dude Of Honor (that''s what I''m doing - with my OTHER brother - much to the confusion of my three sisters

)

I know that you want the wedding to be "about your families" and not "about you two" ... but that may be setting yourself up for drama & unrealistic expectations. Really it IS ABOUT YOU TWO, right? Your familes, both of ''em, are what they are - for good & bad. And keep reminding yourself that you''re not alone, you''re not the only one, it''s not your fault ... whaddya gonna do - get married at a "better time for your sister"?? Will there ever be one? Keep on living your life & make a new family. You might even be inspiring her to make chances in her life in order to have some of what you have. Not that she''ll ever admit it.

*HUGS*

 

[diamondfan]

Jas, I am sorry that it is taking away from your joy. I think you have a good handle on who she is and sadly you may just have to have lower expectations right now.

I have a terrible sister, she is jealous and cruel and I think my whole life has campaigned to hurt me at any opportunity. She used to lie about me and make up whatever she felt like, nothing simple like the truth got in her way. Of course I am not saying your sis is like this, but I had to finally face that we share biology but that is about it, we are soo opposite. Your description of her behavior at the dinner remind me of my interactions to a degree...basically, nothing I ever did or said was right. When I wanted kids and she did not, it was gross to be a stay at home mom, a waste of yourself not have a career. Now she has a much older husband who cannot father more kids and has grown kids and grandkids of his own, suddenly she has a longing for them. If I want jewelry I am shallow, if she wants it is fine. The list goes on and on. I finally accepted that she will never be happy for me or be able to show caring and love and I have removed myself from her life. Not that you have to be so extreme, but I would not expect a lot from her. You will be hurt more than likely if you do. I have an AMAZING step sister who is more than a blood sister could be and then some, so it all worked out fine in the long run...and I know you will be fine too. Not that it does not hurt or make you feel sad, but focus on the good and wherever she can be involved, appreciate it and that is it! Good luck, I am sure it will all work out in the end!

 

[FireGoddess]

I''m sorry about this - and you shouldn''t feel embarassed in any way! You did nothing wrong.

I have 2 sisters but neither of them were in my wedding party. I didn''t ask them to be. I had 2 friends instead as a MOH and a BM. I later found out my mom was very upset about this (who knows about my sisters - but that is exactly the point) but it was my wedding and I told her that my sisters have not ever been close with me, and it has been my friends that have been more like sisters to me. If I was having a bigger wedding party, I might have included them, but I didn''t feel the need with a wedding party of 2. Who knows if they were POed - they never call me or visit or anything, so why should I pick them to stand up for me?

I think it was very kind of you to ask your sister to be your MOH. It is not your fault if she misinterprets this or how she comes off because of it. You did nothing wrong. *hugs*

 

[amyg]

Oh Jas- (((((Hugs))))...you definitely did the right thing by asking her, I am in a similar situation, although mine definitely doesn''t seem as sever as yours, but my sister although, she has a great life, has always been jealous of mine...go figure...and at times she is very hurtful to me, and has not been super supportive during my engagement despite the fact that she agreed to be my MOH...I trully feel for you and hope that you can find away to deal with this so that you can enjoy this time in your life....sending good vibes your way!!!!

Amy

 

[ephemery1]

Jas, I''m so sorry this has put a damper on things for you... but the LAST thing you need to feel is embarrassment. You extended a kind and gracious offer and your sister chose to turn it down, probably for good reason if she is not emotionally prepared to handle the role. And better to know that now than find out the week before the wedding! In the grand scheme of things, your life has not been perfect (nobody''s has)... but you have arrived at a point where you are allowed to be completely, blissfully focused on your happily-ever-after with your future husband. *You are not responsible for your sister''s unhappiness any more than you are for her happiness.* Easier said than done, I know... but remind yourself of that when you start to forget!

Just concentrate now on making decisions that will allow everything to go as smoothly and simply as possible on that important day. Accept your sister''s decision as something she is not able to do, regardless of the reason, and if you choose to have another MOH instead, select a person who will simply make you happy to have standing beside you. Maybe one (or both) of your fiance''s sisters, if you''d like to focus the day on family? And your brother could be a groomsman in exchange?

Don''t worry right now about whether or not she comes. Things will happen the way they are supposed to, and you will deal with it then. In the meantime, you have done all you can. Enjoy your engagement!

 

[Blenheim]

{{{hugs}}}

This hit too close to home for me to respond last night, but I agree with everything that Rebemdee and some of the others said.

We think that my brother is bipolar. At least, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a little over a year ago. His psychiatrist is beginning to question whether he''s slipping into another mental illness (schizophrenia?), but to know for sure he''d have to go off of all of his meds, which would be pretty bad. He''s living with my parents until they stabilize his meds and figure everything out. I was at home when J proposed, and when we told my brother that we were getting married, he said, "That''s all? Can I go back to my room now?" My dad had to have a talk with him about how you congratulate people when they have that kind of news. I''ve told him that I would like him to be a part of the wedding if he feels that he is able, and gave him different options and told him to think it over. With some of them, he could back out the day of if he doesn''t feel up to it.

These past two weeks have been pretty bad. All of our friends were home for Memorial Day, and while only one of his even called, I had two or three over at our house a bit. He started getting very very upset that I had the perfect life -- I was about to graduate college, and I have friends that come over, and I''m getting married -- while he is a failure living at home with his parents. (Neither is at all true -- I don''t have the perfect life and he is completely not a failure.) Because of his behavior and because a lot of the anger was directed towards my life (versus his), my parents had me lock my door and put a chair in front of it before I went to bed, and I had one of the dogs on my bed at my feet. Luckily nothing happened. He told my parents that he thought he''d have a psychotic break if he attended my graduation, and they were in a bind because they both wanted to be there but didn''t feel comfortable leaving him home alone while they were out of town. The eventual solution was having him come into town with them and stay, drugged up, in a hotel room with my uncle, but I''m really not sure right now how he would handle a wedding. We''re just playing it by ear for right now. In 11 months, a lot can happen.

So, what I''m trying to say is that it''s not you. It''s the illness, and it''s her issues. I think that especially when people like our siblings are about to slip into a depressive state, their failures and other people''s successes just get magnified in their minds. When my brother is doing better, he''s able to realize that things aren''t perfect for me and they''re not that terrible for him. It will get better. But at certain times, it''s just so hard to realize that.

As much as you love your sister, I don''t think that she would make a good MOH. You want someone who can stand by you and support you, and it''s probably not the best thing for her emotionally. If she feels up to it, what about showing people to their seats or reading a poem? The ideal situation would be involving her in something that she can gracefully back out of it she needs to. MOH is much harder to back out of them some things.

 

[widget]

Thanks for sharing that, Blenheim...my heart goes out to you and your family.

I didn''t mention this before, but I too have a dearly beloved relative who has struggled with bipolar disorder for years. I truly believe that mental illness can be as wrenchingly painful for loved ones as it is for the the person who suffers from it.

It''s a true true heart-breaker.

Hugs to everyone!

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[VRBeauty]

JAS:

First and foremost, congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding! I hope the planning and preparations go smoothly -- although we all know that there are always a few bumps on the road. It sounds like you hit one of yours very early.

I''ll start by seconding what several others have said. There is no need for you to be embarassed. You invited your sister to participate and it sounds like she''s not up to it, for whatever reason. That does not reflect badly on you or your family. (Anyone who thinks less of you because of this should be embarassed, but that''s another story.)

Honoring and celebrating your families as part of your wedding may have to include recognizing your sister''s limitations. You and your family have been dealing with the sister situation for a long time, and I trust that there has been some family counselling somewhere along the way to help your parents and the rest of the family deal with the emotions and stress involved with living with someone like your sister. If so, it this might be a good time to make a repeat visit to the counselor so that you''ll have some support with whatever decision you end up making concerning your sister''s involvement in your wedding. If you decide not to include her in your wedding party, consider other ways to make her feel more a part of your big day. Set aside a day to help her find a dress... invite her to invite a guest to the wedding... make it clear to her that can stay for as little or as much of the reception as she wants... or consider giving her some small role that will help her mingle with the guests and feel a little less self-conscious.

Best wishes with all of the preparations!

 

[jas]

Thank you all for your responses. It''s startling and sad to see how this disease impacts so many of our lives.

The latest word is that my sister found her "out" -- she said that she is unable to do this because she and I live in different states, but she''s considering being in the bridal party. Although there will be some struggle with this (the push-pull of what she will and will not do) I think it''s for the best.

My best friend just agreed to step up...she was crying she was so happy. Then we roared for about 1/2 hour coming up with the worst possible decor items and dresses (there''s some poofy ones out there). Once we were hysterical over the awful idea of covering the aisle with bubble wrap (our theme is everything tactile!) and decorating the seats with paper clips (our theme is office supplies!) and making our chuppa out of a fishing net (our theme is...naughty nautical) I knew I''d made the right decision.

I love that my MOH is right next to me, simultaneously joyous at how blessed this will be and laughing at how ridiculous some of this can be.

Ultimately, the outpouring of love from our friends and family, as well as my cyberbuds here, has been rewarding. I feel this is so wonderful. I''m glad we''re kinda putting the wedding on the fast track...minimize the drama and focus on our marriage. It''s good, very good.

Thank you all again!
Jackie

 

[selflove]

I''m really happy you have a great MOH now! Sounds like a very caring, fun, considerate, and all-around wonderful friend!

I don''t have any advice for how to deal with your sister but I hope it''s a bearable 4 or 5 months with her until the wedding. Hang in there!

 

[codex57]

Glad you''ve got a great MOH. It''s actually really important. I picked one of my best friends as my best man, not cuz he knew me the best, but mainly cuz he''d just gotten married and is really good at organizing and motivating me and keeping me on track. Yes, it helped that he''s one of my best and closest friends, but it was more important that he was the best man for the job. I''ve got about three friends who could have qualified as my "best" friend, but the one who actually knows me the best (even better than my wife knows me) I didn''t pick cuz he didn''t have the right personality. My wife also took their ability to perform when deciding her MOH.

Planning and actually executing a wedding is REALLY hard work (if you can''t afford to pay for a planner). You need all the help you can get.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

A large percentage of my family has some kind of mental disorder. What you describe sounds like your sister was not properly medicated which always makes things worse. I have found after many painful years that if the person who is mentally ill gets the run of things in a family they bring the whole family down into their dispair. Be a happy, healthy responsible adult and let her rise to the level of you, rather than fall into her pain. I know it sounds corny, but I have been the one bringing down the family and it was better for everone when I was medicated and treated as a normal healthy person rather than everyone feeling bad and worrying over me.

 

[s00n2bRTrnr]

Jas, I know how you feel and no one in my family has any mental disorders! My fiance has a past with violence and his ex-wife. They were together for eleven years, married for nine. She has a serious mental disorder though hasn''t been diagnosed with anything. She did the usual navy wife thing with a male friend of mine and they are now living in FLa supposedly happy, tho she does everything she can to make our lives miserable. She makes up things just to see how we react. ANYWAY now that I have gotten off the subject let me jump back on there...After the marriage went south, she still used her knowledge in what buttons to push to make him go over the edge. She enjoyed it, disgustingly. MY parents found out about his temper and freaked out. Wouldn''t let my fiance in the house, tried everything they could to keep me from him. Needless to say, thanks to the ex-wife, my parents, and the rest of my family might not even be at my wedding. I did however find someone to give me away, my best friend who has been there for me through everything. I even asked him to be my "Dude"-of-honor, but he politely declined. My sister refuses to speak to me, and my family lives in Ct, I am in VA, I don''t even get to talk to my niece and nephew. I am happy that you have a MOH, enjoy it. I don''t have one so I don''t know how nice it is to share my happy time with her.

 

[jas]

So, as so many of you predicted...drama drama drama.

In the last few weeks there's been a lot of back and forth. Mostly to ease the burden from my mom, who has been dealing with the brunt of this, I kept offering things for my sister, always with the caveat "whatever you are comfortable with..." A few days ago she wrote back, rather tersely, a laundry list of what she would and would not do, indicating she would be most comfortable manning the guest book.

Great! I wrote back, again saying how happy I was that she'd be there and that we'd put her down to man the guest book and greet people (although I was cringing inwardly...she is not the person I want greeting people, but I figured since she had volunteered for this, she'd be on good behavior and not growling at people.)

No sooner did I send this (and we communicate primarily by email...she's more comfortable with this) did she write, "oh, well, if you still need a bridesmaid to even things out let me know."

I was feeling a little manipulated by this, after all -- this is what I'd offered in the first place -- but my mom was overjoyed that my sister was making an effort. I said, "We'd love to have you up there with us, and whatever makes you happy and comfortable, yada yada yada emphasis on we want her up there" --

Her latest was "It's your wedding, you decide."

My mom says she would be so happy to have my sister up there and feeling a part of things, and that this is her way of "apologizing" for being indecisive, oddly enough, and that my sister wants me to really show her that we want her there.

So I wrote back this morning that fiance and I want her up there (again) but need an answer today because he has to work logistics on his side.

Her response, "Ok. I'm a bridesmaid."

I wrote back "Yea!" but I'm really heartsick over this, because I feel that no matter what I do here, I'm wrong. Well, not wrong, but unhappy.

I'm doing this for my mother, but I also know that my sister is going to make the time leading up to the wedding and the day of rather difficult...her anxiety and discomfort with herself comes out through her being bossy and spewing directives to everyone on everything. This is from past experiences on my 'big days" (graduations, etc.) and on other family events, good bad and ugly (do NOT get me started on how she acted before my grandmother's funeral.) She's fine in public, she lets loose in private.

Of course, it would be worse if she manned the guest book, because, even though it was her suggestion, she'd be hurt that I didn't push more for her to be a bridesmaid.

I know I'm in the throws of this now, and feeling raw. I'm trying to stay positive...it's family, I'm doing the right thing, this will be much easier on my mother, I would feel worse if she wasn't up there, etc.

But right now, it's casting a pall over my day...and I feel awful about that. It's making me mourn the fact that I've never felt I had a sister (which she has thrown in my face this last week "we're not close, I don't know you, why are we pretending to be more than biological sisters") and hate hate hate this disease. This time will now be focused on keeping my sister steady through this tough time for her.

And I feel selfish for saying that.

There's that little voice in my head and heart hoping quietly that her job will send her on a business trip that week (she would most certainly attend to that before my wedding.)

Right now, i just want to be married and be in that phase of my life. That's what I've always wanted to focus on...this wedding planning for one freaking day is making all the drama almost unbearable. If it wasn't for FI's dream of a magnificent day, I wouldn't really care. And, to be fair, I guess I've alwas wanted a big celebration...but boy the reality is difficult.

Anyway, I needed to be able to say that somewhere. Thanks all!
Jackie

 

[Gypsy]

Without getting into details... I have a close family member who is similarly afflicted... and another who is unstable in otherways.

So even though I don''t have a sister... I can at least understand part of what you are saying. We cancelled 2 weddings-- one on the count of these particular family members making our lives hell.

So, please understand what I am about to say isn''t meant to be harsh or insensitive.

Yes, when a family member is ill it affects everyone in the family and family members have an obligation to make some accomodations for the illness.

But your sister is being selfish and rotten. Pure and simple. She isn''t on her meds. She is ruining this for you without care, and she is focussing only on herself and making everyone else''s lives difficult.

I have dealt with severe depression-- it doesn''t give you liscence to be a become a bad human being-- and unfortunately some people who are diagnosed with it use it as a blanket excuse for bad behaviour. They have this in thier pockets and instead of trying to control themselves they don''t even bother to try and let it all out citing the depression as the reason for the bahavour because it''s easy. I have been to therapy with this particular family member-- to three different therapists-- and they all said the same thing about her bahavouir (which was simliar to what you are describing). The depression was a contributing factor to her feelings... but it didn''t MAKE her a bad human being. Her choices did that.

And it''s wrong. And so is your sister... from what you''ve shared.

 

[rms]

jas, your story sounds so similar to the story of my sister and me. My sister has never been officially diagnosed with anything, but she is a very jealous person and always considered herself the black sheep of the family. The story could go on forever as I try to explain her situation, but it''s actually really hard to explain unless you meet her. When we got engaged, I always dreamed of the celebration of the families like you mentioned. To me it is about more than just the bride and groom (of course bride and groom are most important though

).

When my brother got engaged she said it was her worst nightmare come true. When I got engaged, I was so nervous to tell her it took me over a week to figure out a way. She didn''t say much of anything, and afterwards I cried my eyes out. After a few days she told me she was happy for me and I felt better. I asked her to be my MOH a month or 2 after that because she is my sister and I wanted her to be by my side. She said yes, but she backed out 2 weeks before because I told her how excited I was to go and have our hair and makeup done and she said she didn''t want to wear makeup, then it blew up for that reason plus others. I had already asked my very good friend to also stand up with us to help my sister through it, and for fear that something like this would happen, so she became my MOH. At first my sister said she didn''t want to come to my wedding at all, but later she said she would go as long as she didn''t have to be MOH. She was the life of the party actually, she is very social and fun and loves to talk to people. Maybe she was just fearful of the attention being MOH would draw to her.

On a happier note nowadays, my brother and his wife have 2 kids, and my sister loves them so much she can''t stop talking about them. She also gets along well with our sister-in-law and my husband. She realizes that she is very much a part of the family most of the time. But sometimes there are blow-ups because I see how lonely she can be and dependent on what is happening in the family, I try not to talk about subjects that depress her. I just want her to know that she is loved by us, because she is.

I am sorry for all your troubles, and I sure hope that things work out for you with all the planning. Keep up the spirit!

 

[jcrow]

urgh, i feel your pain! i hate that such important events are when people get stressed and take a turn for the worse. i am in a similar situation with - my mom. painfully true. she doesn''t have the temper/lash-out personality though, which is good. but the last two major events - my college graduation and hurricane lilly - she had some major problems. the bad thing is that she hides it. in both cases it involved her being admitted to the hospital.

eta: i started to go into detail, but it was hard for me to read what i wrote so i deleted it.

 

[jas]

Thank you all for your kind words...it really helps to be able to have a safe place to share this. And jcrow, I really do hear you and understand....

Thank you all!

 

[blodthecat]

Anyone who has had a family member with a mental health problem will understand 'exactly' how you are feeling.

The only piece of advice I can give you is to ACCEPT the situation.

You have no control over how your sister will react to things. And usually, whatever you do will be wrong. I know there is a lot ot stigma attached to mental health problems, but I would be open and honest with people about what is happening. None of this is your fault. I know this is casting a shadow over your wedding plans, but carry on regardless. You can't keep walking on egg shells!

I have oftened wondered if mental illness is worse for the sufferer....or whether it is actually worse for the family. (I'm sure you know what I mean)

Expect the unexpected. Don't be upset by her words or her actions....and just try to show her unconditional love and acceptance.

Mental health problems are really tough....and my heart goes out to your family, especially your parents.

Sending you ((hugs)) Blod