I''m breaking all the rules!

[brooke.lynne]

Hey ladies.

I bought myself a ring... and need some insight!

I am four years into my relationship and seven months into my constant obsession with getting engaged, and a more recent ring fascination.

I recently imposed a no-talking-about-it-with-him rule on myself. I think it''s easier to restrain myself from bringing it up than to listen to his hemming and hawwing about timing.

The flip side of that decision was analyzing why it was so important to me that we be engaged. I decided that I want to be engaged because I want to, and that is enough.

I knew I would love the feeling of wearing an engagement ring, and how it would make others look at me differently, especially at work, but I know he''s just not ready to go there yet. That being said, we have discussed getting married, at length, for years now, and have taken a series of steps to make us closer. We both acknowledge that our relationship is beyond the point of no return, and when I do bring it up, he always says that he believes we are going to be married.

So I was chatting up a local jeweler (I sometimes indulge in browsing, even if I don''t tell him) and happened upon an antique, 1920s era rose gold ring with a .10 or something diamond. It is not appropriate as an e-ring for our ages and place in life (I paid $100). So I bought it, on the spot. I''ve been wearing it on my left hand, and I okayed it with him. I also notified him that I would tell co-workers and friends that it was a gift from him (a lie). But I know that if people ask me if I''m engaged, I have to say no, mostly because my BF would think it was lying.

What makes a couple engaged? Agreeing to be married, right? The dropping to one knee, surprise thing is a cultural phenomenon that just doesn''t seem to be part of his style. If anyone asked me who was a stranger or a neighbor who I didn''t know well, I would just say I was engaged (I pretend to be his wife for doctor''s appointment purposes all the time anyway).

I feel like I''m crazy for buying myself what can ostensibly be considered an e-ring. Help me manage the crazy!

 

[happyfeet1988]

I don''t want this to sound harsh, as i just recently got engaged and know what you''re going through right now. It seems like you bought this ring for all the wrong reasons. If it was just something you wanted to get for yourself, i would understand. But, you intentionally bought this to tell people it was from your boyfriend. It isn''t. You said you would tell people you didn''t know that you were engaged. You aren''t. I hate to say it, but that sounds very odd to me. Why lie about what''s going on with you and your boyfriend. If you honestly like the ring you bought, why not wear it as a right hand ring, and be proud and independent in the fact that you bought if for yourself? And don''t count on the fact that dropping to one knee and surprising you isn''t your boyfriend''s style. I didn''t think my fiance would do it either, but he was very traditional about the proposal. You should talk to your boyfriend more about this situation. I can''t imagine he would be okay with you passing it off as a gift from him or something as huge as an engagement ring when it''s neither of these things.

 

[decodelighted]

Hmmm. Hope you're prepared for a lot of opinions. Honestly, the first thing I thought of was ... "When you get the baby itch, will you just stuff a pillow under your shirt?"

Basically, I think you're lying to yourself. And more than that ... you're wearing your "crazy" on your sleeve (or left ring finger) for the world to see. *cringe* And I'm afraid you're fooling yourself to think that people won't come away sad for you, rather than HAPPY for you if, say, you had been given a promise ring or an engagement ring. PRETENDING just looks ... well, I'm sure you can guess how it looks.


ETA: It also seems strange to me that you boyfriend is fine with your lie about it being a gift from him, but NOT okay with a lie about being engaged. It shows that he's HONKY DORY about lies that make him look generous, but not okay with looking COMMITTED.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

to each his own I say.

I don''t think the "ring" finger needs to be a parking spot for e-rings only. If your content and you bf is too, no harm no foul right?

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Date: 12/12/2007 7:27:31 PM
Author: decodelighted
Hmmm. Hope you''re prepared for a lot of opinions. Honestly, the first thing I thought of was ... ''When you get the baby itch, will you just stuff a pillow under your shirt?''

Basically, I think you''re lying to yourself. And more than that ... you''re wearing your ''crazy'' on your sleeve (or left ring finger) for the world to see. *cringe* And I''m afraid you''re fooling yourself to think that people won''t come away sad for you, rather than HAPPY for you if, say, you had been given a promise ring or an engagement ring. PRETENDING just looks ... well, I''m sure you can guess how it looks.


ETA: It also seems strange to me that you boyfriend is fine with your lie about it being a gift from him, but NOT okay with a lie about being engaged. It shows that he''s HONKY DORY about lies that make him look generous, but not okay with looking COMMITTED.

No Doubt, gotta love this hen house.

 

[MoonWater]

Well I definitely don't think it's a problem wearing a non-engagement ring on the left ring finger. I have done so for the last almost 4 years. However, it was a gift from my bf, and I first started wearing it there because it was too big for my right hand (which is what it was actually bought for). We never got around to resizing it and I liked that it kept unwanted attention from men away from me so, I left it there. But to lie and say it was a gift from him when it wasn't seems...weird. You should have gotten him to purchase it for you. And to do it just to seem engaged or to want to get engaged because you know people will look at you differently (?!?!) is seriously odd. Getting engaged and agreeing to commit yourself for life to another person should be all about you and that person, not co-workers and friends.

 

[Pandora II]

I bought my FBIL''s gf a pseudo e-ring - it was one from Clare''s.

I must admit, I wore it out one night and got the most amazing looks and comments from people on my amazing, HUGE, diamond. Not bad for $6!

Anyhow, she''s 21 and got pregnant after a 2 week fling with FI''s brother. He only found out 3 weeks or so before the birth. He''s trying to do the right thing and has moved her and the kid in with him - but the relationship between them is tricky as they never really had one in the first place. She''s madly in love with him and he isn''t in love with her. It''s very sad.

Well, I was having a long talk with her last time I saw them and she confided that she feels awful when she gets looks from people in the street and shops for being so young (she looks about 16) and with a baby.

I know how she feels - my mother had my little sister when I was 14 - and people used to come up to me and tell me it was disgraceful if I was pushing her in the pram or holding her hand in shops.

So I bought her the ring, told her not to tell him, and to wear it when she was out with the baby to give her some confidence (and hope it doesn''t turn her finger green!).

Personally, on the OP''s situation, you are doing yourself a disservice. If your bf is happy with this, he''ll probably reckon you won''t want a real one for a whole lot longer.

I used the fact that people checked out my hand and assumed that at 34 I was young, free and single as leverage in convincing FI that he might just want people to know I was in a committed relationship! I do understand what you are feeling - I felt the same myself, but wasn''t prepared to settle for anything other than the real thing. I felt I''d be cheating myself.

I am questioning the fact that he hasn''t given you a promise ring himself if he knows how much it would mean to you. It''s a dangerous game pretending to be engaged - unless it''s to the electricity man etc where it''s more hassle to explain than just say ''my husband'' - if you get caught out it opens you up to a lot of comments on your relationship, and the difficulties of explaining a real engagement later.

 

[designchica]

Waiting and waiting for our man to pop the question can drive us all a little crazy and obsessive so I truly empathize with you. I am going to be honest with you though, I think you have gone too far and while I do not think you are crazy, there might be people in your life who call you so after this.

I say put the ring on the other hand, continue to buy yourself nice jewelry, but do not settle on living out a fantasy that reflects poorly on you and puts you in a position where you might be made fun of behind your back.

 

[bee*]

Date: 12/12/2007 7:27:31 PM
Author: decodelighted
Hmmm. Hope you''re prepared for a lot of opinions. Honestly, the first thing I thought of was ... ''When you get the baby itch, will you just stuff a pillow under your shirt?''


Basically, I think you''re lying to yourself. And more than that ... you''re wearing your ''crazy'' on your sleeve (or left ring finger) for the world to see. *cringe* And I''m afraid you''re fooling yourself to think that people won''t come away sad for you, rather than HAPPY for you if, say, you had been given a promise ring or an engagement ring. PRETENDING just looks ... well, I''m sure you can guess how it looks.



ETA: It also seems strange to me that you boyfriend is fine with your lie about it being a gift from him, but NOT okay with a lie about being engaged. It shows that he''s HONKY DORY about lies that make him look generous, but not okay with looking COMMITTED.

Deco, ROFL at that highlighted bit-it''s nearly 2 in the morning here and I''m still studying for a horrible exam that I have at 9 so that has lightened up my night!!

Back to topic-I have to agree with Deco-I just think it''s strange that you would lie to people and say that the ring is from him when it''s not. There''s no harm in buying yourself a ring and wearing it on your ring finger, but don''t lie and say it was from him. From reading through lots of posts on this forum and from my own experience, there''s a big difference between a guy saying that he wants to get married and to actually stepping forward and getting engaged so I don''t think that there is any way that you can class this as an e-ring, until he''s ready to be engaged.

 

[DMBsGirl]

Wearing the ring on your ring finger is not an issue in my book, but lieing about being engaged is definitely strange. honestly, whether or not people look at you differently because they think you''re engaged will not change that it''s all a lie. You will NEVER be happy until it happens for real! Who cares if everyone else is fooled, you know the truth! I love diamonds as much as the next girl but would not be happy with just buying a diamond ring for myself, I want to be engaged and a ring would be nothing without the "will you marry me".

 

[SeattleSweetheart]

I have an antique sapphire solitaire that I haven't gotten resized. I wear it on my left hand, on the ring finger. Not a single person has asked if I'm engaged and I've been wearing it for months.

If someone asked me if I was engaged, I would not lie and say I was. I would tell the truth and say that I bought the ring for myself and I haven't gotten it resized. I see zero shame in that.

Somehow wearing a ring, any ring, on my left hand ring finger helps me cope with the waiting. I just like to look down at my left hand and see something sparkling. Somehow a sparkler on the right hand just doesn't cut it.

I say wear your ring on the left hand but call it a hope ring, instead of a promise ring. You can buy yourself a hope ring.

Please don't sacrifice your personal integrity, just to look engaged or make your boyfriend look better than he is. It just makes you a liar, not a bride.

I'm so glad that you found a ring you like and that you felt empowered enough to buy it for yourself.

Post pics if you can. I'd love to see it!

 

[neatfreak]

I have to agree with Deco here...I think you crossed the line into crazyville.

Just because you WANT to be engaged doesn't mean you always get what you want when you want it.

Now I don't think there is anything wrong with wearing a ring on your left hand if it's only a ring. But what you're making this ring out to be...with the lies about it...is just stepping over the line.

You really need to take a step back and think about things here...you've crossed the line IMO.

 

[TravelingGal]

Hm.

I might have bought myself a nice ring to wear on my left hand (I have done it before).

I then would tell my bf and anyone else who asks that it was my gift to MYSELF - signifying that I am number one in my own life and I am commited to following my own dreams and doing all the things I want...and the only way it would change is if someone asked me to share my life with him and I wanted to say yes.

No, I don''t think you''re crazy. You just sound like you don''t know quite how to be a whole person without being a fiancee.

 

[surfgirl]

And I have to ditto neatfreak...There''s nothing wrong with buying yourself a ring, but pretending it''s from your boyfriend is a bit weird, and him being okay with lying about that is doubly weird as well. The fact that you say "I guess I have to be honest if people ask if we''re engaged" tells me that you''re desperate to be engaged "just because" - as you said - and maybe not for the right reasons. If you really love your guy, and he loves you but perhaps isn''t ready for that next step, you need to be talking to him, or perhaps to a counselor both alone and together - to work on this, but pretending your sort of engaged and getting a ring to wear on your left hand is a bit odd. That said, I wore a ring on my left hand ring finger for many years, but it was a gift to me from my then-boyfriend, now-husband, so wearing it on that hand seemed fine with me and he was fine with it as well. I think it''s the lying about who gave you the ring, and struggling with having to say "No, we''re not really engaged, I bought the ring myself" is the part I find troubling. I think talking to a professional might help you sort out your feelings a bit more, yes?

 

[amy_dub]

I wear a ring on my ring finger.. i have for about 5 years now. It is from my boyfriend, and soon-to-be FI. When he gave it to me, we had already talked about how we knew we were meant to be and that we wanted to get married, but the timing just wasn''t right. The ring isn''t an engagement ring, it isn''t a promise ring (i don''t believe in promise rings). It''s more of an "I love you and when you see this you''ll be reminded of my love for you" and "I''ve bought you every other piece of jewelry, so how about a beautiful ring?" I''ve never said it were a promise ring, I''ve never said it was an engagement ring, because It isn''t and I would feel extremely weird saying it was something it isn''t. I chose to wear it on my left hand ring finger because.. 1) that''s the finger it looked the best on 2) i was hoping to drive away unwarrented advances towards me from creepy guys.

there''s nothing cute about lying, especially about a ring and the true meaning behind it, and definitely not about who bought it for you. What if you two were to break up... but you wanted to continue to wear the ring? Wouldn''t most people find it really odd for you to be wearing the "engagement" ring from your ex?

On the other hand, what if he DOES in fact propose and buys you a ring? Then what will you tell people? You won''t be able to gush at people about your ring and how excited you are to be engaged, because as far as they know, you''ve been engaged this whole time. Claiming to be engaged when you''re clearly not takes everything away from when you''re truly engaged. Being engaged is suppose to be a time of excitement and fun, not a big charade to cover your lies.

Maybe you don''t like the face and "oh" you get when you say "No, (boyfriend''s name) didn''t buy it for me, I bought it." and I can appreciate that. Even nosier people might even say "well, why didn''t he buy it for you? that''s what boyfriends are for!" but those people are old-fashioned and usually aren''t hip on women being independent. Well, poo on them. Don''t let them rain on your parade. Enjoy YOUR ring, and be proud in saying you bought it for yourself.

 

[Izzy03]

I understand where you are coming from, you feel like you and your BF is so much more than just a "boyfriend" and you want people to know that. You just have to be confident with the relationship that you have and not worry about how "committed" others think you are.

One of my married coworkers has made comments that belittle my relationship with my BF because we are not married or engaged, even though he has given me a very impressive promise ring.

Being engaged is so special and exciting, and you will get a lot of attention when it does happen. I think by faking this engagement now, you will be spoiling the fun for when you actually do become engaged

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I agree with everyone else. I have a promise ring from my SO that I wear on my ring finger but only specifically because it is a promise ring. I would never dream of wearing something else on that finger because it wouldn''t feel right on the inside. Also, you really need to stop telling people you are engaged because you are obviously looking at engagement from the wrong point of view. Ditto what everyone else has said, I won''t repeat it. Why is your boyfriend not looking at you weird for this yet?

 

[Circe]

Date: 12/12/2007 7:27:31 PM
Author: decodelighted

ETA: It also seems strange to me that you boyfriend is fine with your lie about it being a gift from him, but NOT okay with a lie about being engaged. It shows that he''s HONKY DORY about lies that make him look generous, but not okay with looking COMMITTED.

Have to say, I agree with Deco in regards to your boyfriend''s motivations ... but let''s talk about you.

The ring sounds lovely. The ring sounds fantastic! As a rose-gold aficionado, I''m slavering to see pictures, and as a devout individualist, I say wear it wherever you want, down to in a piercing through the bridge of your nose (or other body part of choice). But, that said, it doesn''t sound like this is so much about your enjoying this specific piece of jewelry so much as it is about your enjoying the feeling that it - or rather, not IT, but an engagement ring, and, going beyond that, an engagement - would give you. And this part seems problematic: not crazy, per se, but, well, to speak plainly ... false. The part about lying to other people about the ring bugs me a little, but not a lot, just because very few people are, or have a right to be, deeply invested in your choices or decisions. The part about lying to them in order to achieve some kind of recognition or status in your own right, though ... that brings to mind one of my favorite quotations: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." So ... why consent to it enough to feel that you have to lie or explain your situation to anyone else?

Wear your ring with pride and pleasure, and don''t worry about explaining your decisions. SeattleSweetheart and TravelingGal pegged it in their posts.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Date: 12/12/2007 6:42:32 PM
Author:brooke.lynne
Hey ladies.

I bought myself a ring... and need some insight!

I am four years into my relationship and seven months into my constant obsession with getting engaged, and a more recent ring fascination.

I recently imposed a no-talking-about-it-with-him rule on myself. I think it''s easier to restrain myself from bringing it up than to listen to his hemming and hawwing about timing.

The flip side of that decision was analyzing why it was so important to me that we be engaged. I decided that I want to be engaged because I want to, and that is enough.

I knew I would love the feeling of wearing an engagement ring, and how it would make others look at me differently, especially at work, but I know he''s just not ready to go there yet. That being said, we have discussed getting married, at length, for years now, and have taken a series of steps to make us closer. We both acknowledge that our relationship is beyond the point of no return, and when I do bring it up, he always says that he believes we are going to be married.

So I was chatting up a local jeweler (I sometimes indulge in browsing, even if I don''t tell him) and happened upon an antique, 1920s era rose gold ring with a .10 or something diamond. It is not appropriate as an e-ring for our ages and place in life (I paid $100). So I bought it, on the spot. I''ve been wearing it on my left hand, and I okayed it with him. I also notified him that I would tell co-workers and friends that it was a gift from him (a lie). But I know that if people ask me if I''m engaged, I have to say no, mostly because my BF would think it was lying.

What makes a couple engaged? Agreeing to be married, right? The dropping to one knee, surprise thing is a cultural phenomenon that just doesn''t seem to be part of his style. If anyone asked me who was a stranger or a neighbor who I didn''t know well, I would just say I was engaged (I pretend to be his wife for doctor''s appointment purposes all the time anyway).

I feel like I''m crazy for buying myself what can ostensibly be considered an e-ring. Help me manage the crazy!

I agree with everyone''s opinions. If you find something you like, and you want to wear it, be happy in spoiling yourself with a nice "me" gift. I wouldn''t pass it off as an engagement ring or even a gift from your BF. Why would someone look down on you for treating yourself?

When it comes to being obsessed with being engaged just because YOU want it - that''s not what engagement is. It''s a promise, a committment, an intense devotion to each other - not just the ring. I can''t wait for my proposal because I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with FF, not just because I want to be engaged.

Yes, the fascination and obsession with being engaged can be overwhelming and sometimes impair your judgement, however lying to people about being engaged will just set you back further. And, how are those people you''re fibbing to supposed to be happy for you once you actually do get engaged?

I say that if you''re happy in your relationship and where you both stand with each other, be proud to tell people that. Just because you haven''t been proposed to yet doesn''t mean anything. Embrace being together, and don''t let someone make you feel bad about it.

 

[gwendolyn]

Hmmm. I can understand your point of view, to an extent. There is something powerful about having a ring on your left ring finger to show you're taken. In some ways, my situation was similar to yours:

My boyfriend and I were living in different countries for 2 years and I was sick of people (nicely) teasing me about my boyfriend not existing because he was never around. He lives in the UK, I lived in the US--obviously we didn't make it to many parties together. Anyway, as it usually happens, once J and I made things official, lots of other dudes crawled out of the woodwork (some literally, blarg) to ask me out. J knew I wouldn't cheat on him, but he still wanted to shoo these guys away. Not being much of a jewelry man (although I'm changing that, bwahahaha

), he didn't think about a promise ring or anything like that.

So, for my birthday last year, I asked if he would mind getting me a ring to wear on my left hand. Preferably diamonds, since I loooove them, but anything that looked like a serious ring to make the guys at my coffeeshop stop asking me out. THAT was when we learned that jewelry in the UK costs 23409820389457023948 times what it does in the US!

So I said, "Right. I know we have almost no budget ($140/£70), and that it would get me 1/3 of a ring in the UK, so how about we look for rings in the US?" So I found one that looked ok, was within budget, said I'd like it, and then ended up having to pay for it myself (at first, he paid me back) because the store wouldn't accept his UK credit card and billing address.

In some ways, then, I can see where you're coming from. My ring sometimes feels like it was more from me, to me because J didn't play much of an active role in it--I shopped around (literally for hours), picked it out, and paid for it up front. I gave it to him to give to me, but he kind of looked at me like I was bonkers, which added to the feeling that I'd gotten it for myself. I've had dozens of people ask me if it's an engagement ring, and one of my brothers joked that I'd gotten married and just not told anyone.

Difference is, it *was* from him, officially--it was my birthday present. I could've just had him pick something out, but I was afraid he'd get totally ripped off, and he was afraid whatever he would pick wouldn't be my style. The purpose of the ring was as much his idea as mine, because we both wanted there to be a symbol of takenness (originally I wanted us to get matching puzzle rings, but he said the only ring he wanted to wear was a wedding band and that no chicks were after him anyway--he's a bit of a loner most of the time).

ANYWAY.

I get where you're coming from, to a point. The symbolism is very strong, and it feels good to have what other people have that you covet, but this is only superficial, so I think the buzz will be wearing off shortly. I'm against lying as a general rule, so pretending the ring is from someone it's not, or meaning something it's not, doesn't sit very well, but it's your relationship, not mine. I also think, for the health of your relationship, you should maybe reconsider this "because *I* want to" stuff, because engagements and marriage and all that aren't just about you. They're about you as a team, and if you try to go charging into getting engaged by yourself...? You're just looking for a status symbol, not a committed relationship. And if that's what you want and that's what the boyfriend wants, then it's fine. But if that's not what you want, then I think you just took a few dozen steps back.

 

[mirre]

SeattleSweetheart, HOPE RING! Love it!

I wear a ring on my left ring finger, it is a super-thin yellow gold ring in a heart shape with detailing on it. NOT ME AT ALL! However, when I was probably around 8 or so (maybe younger maybe older) my grandma had this ring on one pinky and another ring on the other pinky. For some reason I liked this one best (the other was a white pearl and black pearl with a silver band... more my style now). Well one day on the way to Wal-Mart (funny how I remember this like it was yesterday) I told my grandma that I wanted this ring (the gold heart) and then told my cousin who was with us that she could have the other one (like it was my choice lol). My grandma replied "I'll give it to you when you are old enough and responsible enough to keep up with jewelry" (not that I wasn't just that one day I would have it but not while I was so young). On my 16th birthday when we arrived to celebrate Christmas (bday is the 21st of December) she asked me to come back to her bedroom with her away from everyone and handed me a ring box. The ring was in it. I slipped it on my left ring finger because that is the only finger it would fit on without force or being affraid it would slip off. Next Friday will be 6 years that it has been there. I am very proud that it came from my grandmother... it has never left my hand except for tanning and swimming because I don't want a tan line from it or to risk loosing it in the water. I have a funny little line on the bottom of my finger. When people ask where it came from I proudly tell them, if it were a ring I bought for myself I would tell them, I bought it. If someone likes it so much I would like to get the credit for picking out something someone else admires as well.

There have been times where creepy guys will come up in a store or something and ask if I have a BF I say yes. Sometimes they may ask if I'm engaged or married... I don't know if it's from the ring or not... but for the sake of getting them to leave me alone because I'm uncomfortable I tell them yes without even thinking twice about it, because I feel that BF and I act as though we are engaged or married without the technicallity. BUT if those same people were to ask "Oh is that from your BF" I would tell them No beacuse it is not.

To the OP: One thing that I noticed (I will try to wrap it up because this is long... I'm sorry everyone) is that you said you loved this ring but it was small and not appropriate for your ages to be an engagement ring. I took that as meaning you or you both were planning on something a little bigger and different for the ering. If this is the case... then why tell people it is? If you wouldn't want it as an ering don't tell people it is.

I see that you haven't posted since your original. I hope the opinions of the ladies has not scared you off. Do what YOU want... but I think there is some great advice that has been given and you can sift through it and take it as you like.

I would also like to see a pic of the ring. Please please post it.

ETA: To my knowledge my cousin hasn't gotten the ring. I believe I'm the only one in the family to have gotten any of her jewelry.

 

[NeverEndingUpgrade]

It sounds like to me the issue is not that you are wearing a non-e-ring on your left hand, but that deep down inside you have a sneaking suspicion that your BF of 4 years is never going to commit to marriage. If that is the case, then examine your situation, determine if you are really happy, and, if not, let him go so that you are open to finding the ONE who will give you that spine-tingling moment when he asks you to marry him and presents you with a beautiful ring. Or, at least asks you to marry him and then lets you pick out your own ring.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I''m going to have to agree with Deco, Neatfreak, TGal, et al. on this one. I''m ALL FOR a woman buying her own jewelry, in fact, I prefer for women to buy their own jewelry and I applaud you for buying a ring you love. The thing is, you can buy yourself an engagement ring, but you can''t buy yourself an engagement. I think in some way you''re trying to do the latter.

I completely recognize that you are having a rough time dealing with being in limbo. I know limbo well--if limbo were a town I probably would have been elected mayor. When I decided to leave my bf, I actually joined a support group of women who were in similar situations, so I have watched many, many women go through this.

I think that you are using this ring as a way to cope with the fact that your boyfriend is not ready and you''re feeling frustrated and overcooked. The ring isn''t going to help--talking with him, making sure you''re on the same page, staying focused on your own personal goals, having your own hobbies, feeling completely fulfilled outside of the relationship and even buying yourself some jewelry--all of those things are the things that will help.

The ring sounds lovely and I think you should wear it in health and happiness, but don''t make it something it''s not. An engagement is a very deep and private commitment between two people--when it happens, you couldn''t care less about the ring. Or how people look at you or what they think. When I was in limbo I used to envy those with wedding bands because I wanted that kind of security in my own relationship--now that we are married we don''t even wear our wedding bands half of the time because once you have the real security there is no focus on a ring.

 

[janinegirly]

i hate to pile on, but i'm in agreement with everyone. in fact i'm not even one for wearing a ring on the left finger at all (we know what it symbolizes and have plenty of other fingers)--but i can understand why some girls wear one there if it's a gift from a bf.

the part of your post that really didn't sit well with me is:

What makes a couple engaged? Agreeing to be married, right? The dropping to one knee, surprise thing is a cultural phenomenon that just doesn't seem to be part of his style. If anyone asked me who was a stranger or a neighbor who I didn't know well, I would just say I was engaged (I pretend to be his wife for doctor's appointment purposes all the time anyway).

You're really trying to parse words here--what makes a couple engaged is very straight forward. The man wanting to marry the girl and ASKING her (ie displaying intention to marry). None of this has to necessarily include dropping to one knee/surprise or sometimes even a ring! You saying this is just a cultural pheonmenan that isn't "his style" shows severe denial. It's clear that he doesn't want to be married (or therefore engaged) and is just milking the status quo for as long as he can. You wearing the ring doesn't bother him in the least bit b/c it keeps you satisfied, yet he didn't have to do anything and the ring has no remote connection to his desire for committment (seeing how had nothing to do with it). Win win for him!

Hopefully you'll post again though..we're just being honest..

 

[sandia_rose]

>Maybe you don''t like the face and "oh" you get when you say "No, (boyfriend''s name)
>didn''t buy it for me, I bought it." and I can appreciate that. Even nosier people might
>even say "well, why didn''t he buy it for you? that''s what boyfriends are for!" but those
>people are old-fashioned and usually aren''t hip on women being independent. Well, poo
>on them. Don''t let them rain on your parade. Enjoy YOUR ring, and be proud in saying you
>bought it for yourself.

I''ll echo some of the other opinions on here in that it''s OK to wear a ring that you bought for yourself, but you''re doing yourself a disservice by "pretending" to be engaged. By pretending, you''re just perpetrating the fantasy in your own mind, which isn''t good. If you want to be engaged and your boyfriend is not ready, you can either a) learn to accept it for now or b) have a heart-to-heart with your boyfriend as to what his timeframe is, etc. I know you don''t want to have The Talk with him, but if it''s making you this nuts, you should.

As to buying yourself a ring, I wear what most people would consider to be a wedding set on my left hand, but there''s a complicated story behind it. I''d like to be engaged, but I don''t pretend that it''s a "real" wedding set. I tell people the truth: That it''s a replacement for a lost ring and something I thought was pretty. People have said to me, "A man should buy you that," to which I reply, "I love my boyfriend and he loves me, but at this point, he''s still getting his brain around the idea of being married -- after being divorced from a 20 year marriage. I''m in no hurry to force him." I''ve said this to a few people, and only one came back with a comment of, "Well, you shouldn''t wear anything on that finger." Which then caused me to reply (echoing the above hip woman comment), "This is 2007. Why is it not cool for a woman to buy herself something she wants and wear it as she likes?" Makes people question their own outdated ideas.

When I graduated college, I bought myself a 1ct asscher stone and had a simple rhodium and white gold bezel setting made for it. It took me 10 years to get through a 4 year program (working full-time and paying for it 100% myself and then having a baby), and I wanted to reward myself with a "really good" and "real" piece of jewelry, since everything else I own is either costume or sterling silver. I wore that on my right hand for 4 or 5 years. Then, in October, I got the stomach bug / sinus infection from hell, was nauseated for almost 2 weeks and couldn''t keep food down and lost almost 10 pounds (and I am a small person to begin with). The ring got loose. I had it in my mind to get it resized or have a clip-on guard put in it until I put the weight back on, but with Christmas expenses, I didn''t want to spend the money. So, being that I''m a lefty and my left hand is the larger of my hands, I switched hands. The ring was still too big, so I put a silver band that I had in front of it as a guard. No one questioned it. WELL, a couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend surprised me with Stevie Wonder tickets. The concert was at the arena of a casino, and the night of the concert was freezing. My hands shrink in the cold...and I noticed during the concert that my rings were loose again....but stupid me didn''t think to take them off and put them in my purse. I lost the rings somewhere in the casino. My asscher was gorgeous enough where, realistically, someone found it and I know I''ll never see it again. Stupid me for not getting it insured. Anyway...I was heartbroken at losing my ring!!!!!

I bought myself another asscher that is similar to what I had, only with a halo and in sterling instead of gold, and this one is a white sapphire. The same store also had silver anniversary bands that were white and yellow sapphires - and being that I love canary and champagne diamonds, I bought that, too. I didn''t intend to wear them together, but they look great together! And I wear them on my left hand. My best friend commented, "Don''t you think that is going to freak Tom out or embarass him at people seeing it or make him feel weird for not having bought it for you?" I didn''t know, so I asked him. He said, "I know how much you loved your other ring. Why would it make me feel weird?" And I said, "Because it looks like wedding jewelery and I didn''t want you to think I was pressuring you." And he said, "Those rings look nice on you. I didn''t even think that. I''m just happy you got something you like, since you can''t get the other one back."

Ironically, I spent about 3x more than I would have, had I just gotten my lost ring resized!!! Anyway, if my boyfriend proposed to me, he would probably choose something slightly different than what I currently have (he knows I love vintage and would probably buy in an antique shop) and they most likely would be diamonds as opposed to another gem. In which case, I would wear what he bought me instead and then tell everyone he bought it for me. Of course, if I got engaged, I would be shouting from the roof, anyway!

But in the meantime, I don''t see anything wrong with buying yourself something you like and wearing it on whatever hand you choose. I don''t subscribe to the notion that you can''t wear anything on your left ring finger except wedding jewelery. In fact, I think a lot more non-married women wear wedding or wedding-ish jewelery simply because they like the look. I am a fan of the QVC jewelery shows that Lisa Mason hosts, and on each show that features jewelery, she says without fail - at least once - "If you like the look of a wedding set, you can wear this ring with (another ring in the show)." I also have a friend who is drop-dead gorgeous - she is so stunning that both men and women stare at her everywhere she goes. She has a boyfriend, but she''s not interested in marriage - they just like dating each other and seeing where it goes, for now. But, she started wearing a wedding-type set on her left hand a couple months back, and I asked her about it. Turns out that she did it because she got tired of men hitting on her everytime she goes out to a bar, club, etc. I have seen this happen with my own eyes, and some guys can be really relentless. She said that once she started wearing a wedding set, the harassment was reduced to almost nothing. She said that there is always some drunk jerk in a bar that doesn''t have a concept of "no," but for the most part, people see her rings and leave her alone.

Bridget in Connecticuit.

 

[Cleopatra]

Hi Brooke.Lynn. I don''t mean to sound harsh or anything, but it seems like you don''t respect that fact that your boyfriend just isn''t ready yet. I don''t see a problem with wearing a ring on your left hand, but at the same time, it seems as though you *want* people to think that you are currently engaged, while the fact still remains that you aren''t.

My FI and I have been together for over 7 years. We recently got engaged, and if it were up to FI, we would have been engaged a long long time ago. He was ready years ago, while I still felt that we were too young. We got engaged when we were *both* ready. We made a commitment to each other. I think I would have really been aggravated back then if FI had told given the image that we were engaged when we weren''t.

An engagement isn''t about 1 person. It isn''t about a ring on the left hand. It''s about 2 people committing their lives to each other.

Sorry - but I don''t get it. But would love to see pics of that ring!

 

[decodelighted]

Okay ... so I''ve thought a bit more about this, and many of the responses and I''m gonna say something that might sound kooky to folks since I''m usually all woman-power etc.

I really don''t think gals should wear a ring on that finger that isn''t a promise/engagement/wedding band. That is, *IF* they want to get married. Sometimes in life you have to let a VOID exist in order to attract what you want ... to entice the cosmos to fill that VOID. Just like if you''re TOO independent (not able to accept love, help etc) -- you can repel potential partners. VOIDS are uncomfortable. It''s easy to fill up with fakery & lies etc. But, IMHO, allowing yourself to deeply feel the void & survive is the best way to gain self-esteem WHILE ATTRACTING the very situation you want. Like I said -- just my opinion.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 12/13/2007 2:40:40 PM
Author: decodelighted
Okay ... so I've thought a bit more about this, and many of the responses and I'm gonna say something that might sound kooky to folks since I'm usually all woman-power etc.

I really don't think gals should wear a ring on that finger that isn't a promise/engagement/wedding band. That is, *IF* they want to get married. Sometimes in life you have to let a VOID exist in order to attract what you want ... to entice the cosmos to fill that VOID. Just like if you're TOO independent (not able to accept love, help etc) -- you can repel potential partners. VOIDS are uncomfortable. It's easy to fill up with fakery & lies etc. But, IMHO, allowing yourself to deeply feel the void & survive is the best way to gain self-esteem WHILE ATTRACTING the very situation you want. Like I said -- just my opinion.

I guess...if that's the way you think about it. I personally don't think I need an empty left ring finger to attract a marriage. That just seems silly to me. I suppose if I'm not married by Oct '09, I can come back and say you were on to something. My ring was not a promise ring, just a 1st year anniversary ring. It's sole purpose on my left hand is to NOT attract people. I'm not trying to toot my own horn or anything, but I get hit on, on a day to day basis. I even get harrassed. I can not say enough how often this ring has saved me. Granted, rude guys that don't care, will ignore it and offer me a "bigger & better" ring. But still...it has worked well for me and hasn't stopped the progress of my relationship in the slightest.

 

[Jewels305]

I''ve been wearing it on my left hand, and I okayed it with him. I also notified him that I would tell co-workers and friends that it was a gift from him (a lie).

This sentence, and the highlighted word in particular are what jumped out at me. Perhaps I am reading into it too much, but it seems to me as if wearing it on the left hand wasn''t something that he necessarily had any objection to, but I am not convinced that the lie about it being a gift from him was ok with him. I''m not sure that he was given much of a chance to say how he felt about it because he was "notified" that it was happening.

I believe that you are hoping for the attention of people thinking that you are engaged, I guess maybe that''s validating for you. But the truth is you''re left with the options of either lying and saying you''re engaged which you don''t want to do because your "BF would think it was lying," or telling them, "No, it just looks that way." When you actually do get engaged, people likely will be less excited, and you willl probably be disappointed.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I think the only danger with wearing a ring on the left ring finger is if you WANT for it to be an e-ring and it isn't. Then the issue isn't really the physical ring at all.